Tag Archives: McLaren

Pirelli, Translated

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Pirelli technicians, seen here, use magic to add the essence of soiled diapers to each tyre. This special elixir is formulated to make all teams, less Lotus, CRY LIKE LITTLE WHINY ASS TITTY BABIES.

 

Thanks to F1 Junkie for the link!

Apr.17 (GMM) Paul Hembery has rubbished suggestions Lotus and Ferrari are getting an unfair advantage in 2013.

One theory doing the rounds is that Lotus’ E21 is kind to the otherwise heavily-degrading tyres this year because Pirelli’s test car is the 2010-spec R30 — which was designed by Enstone based Lotus’ former incarnation, Renault.

“We have certainly done everything to avoid any team getting any advantage from our test data,” Pirelli’s Paul Hembery is quoted by German magazine Sport Bild.

He confirmed reports that rival teams rejected a proposal to share the burden of providing Pirelli with a test car.

“We even proposed that they alternate with each other to test our tyres, but none of our proposals proved popular,” said Briton Hembery.

“So they can’t start complaining now.”

Hembery also rejected a wild theory that Ferrari obtained an advantage through the shared nationality of its lead driver, Fernando Alonso, and main Pirelli tester Jaime Alguersuari.

He smiled: “Someone told me actually that Jaime and Fernando don’t even talk.

“Anyway, how could a comment be converted into a design?” he wondered. “That’s hard to accomplish.

“And even if you could get something from it, it would be pretty minimal.”

PIrelli – Oh. My. GOD. You little BITCHES. Shut. The. Fuck. UP. McLaren! Shut up! Your car sucks! Perez is not panning out. It’s not the tyres! Red Bull! Shutthefuckup! Your drivers hate each other! You can’t get enough gas in your car, um, TWICE in two years. The tyres are the problem?! Let me see.. . . I think I have a mirror around here. . . Here we go: C’mere. Look in this mirror. See that? THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM!! Hammy! You, you. . . Oh, just shut up. Oh, yes, the secret is that Pirelli is an Italian company and ‘Nando is kicking ass, so there must be a conspiracy. Guess what I heard the other day? The fucking company that makes all the asphalt for all the racetracks is FINNISH!!!!!! They send the asphalt formula to Kimi via fucking ice dragon.

SHUT UP!!!!!!!

2013 Chinese GP Driver’s Quotes, Translated

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Hello, I am a literal and visual metaphor for Mark Webber’s faith in all that is true and good; that there might be a god; that koalas are cute or not, and the value of the high road. Call me Ishmael.

Thanks to Formula 1 Blog for the quotes!

Infiniti Red Bull Racing
Sebastian Vettel
“After the last stop, the team told me there was quite a big gap to the cars ahead, but also a big gap behind, so we thought we should go for it in the closing stages. When I came on to the long straight and saw Lewis at the other end turning into the hair pin I thought ‘well, that’s a bit too far’, but obviously we had much more speed on the fresher tyres. It was a little bit disappointing to lose out by such a tiny bit; a few corners more and we could have tried something. Nonetheless, our strategy seemed to work today. We knew it would be difficult and that it was crucial to get clean laps, but we didn’t in the first
stint. I was faster than Nico (Hulkenberg) but if you follow another car you lean on your front tyres too much and it was hard to find the right compromise, but overall we can be happy.”

VET – “First of all: Do you guy know how distracting it is to have the Darth Vader Theme play  EVERY TIME you appear on screen or walk into a room? It’s fucking annoying! You can’t focus on anything! Our strategy seemed to work except for the small detail of coming in fourth. Mostly, the fucking attack koala that Mark let loose in the 23rd lap is what really did me in. Fighting that thing off cost me a second or two, for sure. Overall, we can be happy. By ‘we’, I mean ‘me’ and by ‘can be happy’ I mean, ‘At least fucking WEB DNF’d'”

Mark Webber
“The start of the race was going okay; we elected to get rid of the soft tyre quite quickly and then came back through the field pretty well. Regarding the incident with Jean-Eric, I was coming from a reasonable distance behind, Jean-Eric was really wide, but when we came close to the apex he wanted to hit it, which he is entitled to do, but by then I was committed to the inside and the incident happened. It was a couple of laps before our pit stop window, so I had to come in early. The guys thought the tyre was fixed when we left the stop, but it came off on the out lap. We have had a few problems this weekend; I think we could have done something from our start position today, but it wasn’t meant to be.”

WEB – “I’m thinking, when I went to the crossroads to sell my soul to be the fastest F1 driver, that I may have gone to the wrong crossroads. I probably should not have used those MapQuest maps that VET printed up for me.”

Scuderia Ferrari
Fernando Alonso
“It couldn’t have gone better than this today! I hadn’t won since Germany and this has a special feeling because it was a tricky race full of action. Along with the second place I got in Australia, this result shows that the car is competitive and that we are working in the right direction to always be in the fight for the podium. For that, I have to thank the team for the huge efforts it has made both here and back in the factory. They have worked so hard to put me in this position from which I can fight with the others on equal terms. We had a good feeling all through the weekend and qualifying third gave us the possibility of fighting for the top places. On top of that, maybe we were owed some good luck. Along
with that all the important factors worked perfectly, such as set-up, strategy, calling the pit stops and the stops themselves. All together it produced a win that wasn’t easy at the end of a race in which we made the most of our pace and did a good job of managing the tyres, which was definitely the most dangerous aspect. With no one dominating the Championship, it makes it extremely interesting, even if we are aware this is only the third race. We are under no illusions and we must continue to concentrate and do all we can to improve still further.”

ALO – “Told you fuckers! When all the goddamn parts stay on the car for the whole race, I will own your fucking asses! We owed some good luck: Yes, well, MAS was owed a lot of good luck and I was owed a little good luck. In fact, I got his share as well. Sorry, Felipe! (Confidential to everybody: HAVE YOU SEEN MY GIRLFRIEND!? Seriously: BUT and all you losers can suck my dick. I’m 31! Not only did I win this race but I’m fucking a perfect-nosed, 18+ hottie who gets carded EVERYWHERE!!”

Felipe Massa
“It’s difficult to understand exactly what happened today, because the start went very well. I was immediately quick and the car was working perfectly. At the first stop, I fitted the Medium tyres and after a few laps I began to suffer with graining on the front. That meant I lost ground to other cars and it was probably down to a problem linked to the track conditions and my driving style. All weekend, I haven’t felt comfortable with these tyres and in the race, any attempts I made to save them was useless. But for this problem, I would certainly have been in the fight for the podium, but I am still confident because, all the same, I was able to bring home a good points haul which is important in a season that has only just begun.”

MAS – “Whose dick to I have to suck for a fucking podium position, yo? Fuck me. I’m going to have to live off the energy of that glorious double-Ferrari-fuck-you we gave to Kimi for, like, a week.”

Vodafone McLaren Mercedes
Jenson Button
“I’m very happy to have finished fifth today – and the team should be too. The race was always going to be tricky: we weren’t quick enough to adopt the same strategy as the others, so we had to run longer than the rest and make two pitstops, rather than three. For us, a two-stopper was the fastest way to the end of the race. It meant I had to let others past me and protect the tyres. If we couldn’t run to our target lap, it would’ve destroyed our race. I had to cruise when I’d normally fight the others. It’s not the most
exciting way to go racing, but we got 10 points today because we did it. We know we still have a lot of work to do to challenge at the front, but we can take a lot of positives away from this weekend.”

BUT – I told PER: Estrella de Rojo: that’s that way to go-ho! I finally figured out most of the buttons. The majority of them just shot lime juice and tequila all over the place. A couple buttons, one would play the English version that Jon Secada song and another, the Spanish. One played this telenovela with all these really busty ladies that came on al the screen in the bus. So distracting! If I hadn’t hit that, I would’ve totally come in 4th.

Sergio Perez
“This was a difficult afternoon for me – there’s a lot for us to analyse, and a lot to learn. It wasn’t my best weekend in terms of pace, so there’s some work to do. Congratulation to Jenson – he drove a fantastic race today. He found a better rhythm and really made the strategy work. I couldn’t find a flow throughout the whole race and was struggling with the car. I had a reasonably good first stint and thought we could achieve a good result with the strategy, but then we encountered degradation with the tyres and that compromised our pace. We still don’t have the speed in the car, but it’s been a useful learning weekend for the whole team, we got some useful points on the board, and we head to the next
race with a clearer idea of just what we can do.”

PER – “Fucking Flecha de Rojo! I always hated that bus line! Sauber! I left Sauber for this shit? ‘Oh!’, everybody said. ‘Hamilton’s old spot in McLaren! McLaren’s history! McLaren’s car!’ Everybody said.  Me? I was , like: show me the money! Now, though …The fuck? Secretly, it turns out, everybody was saying, ‘We have a big pile of left-over doo-doo! Would you like to stick your dick in it?’ People! I RAN THIS RACE IN A USED MEXICAN BUS AND NO ONE NOTICED!!”

Lotus F1 Team
Kimi Räikkönen
“Second wasn’t quite what we wanted, but in the circumstances it was the best that we could manage today. I’m not 100% happy because we didn’t win, but it is what it is and second place is a good result after a bad start and the incident with Sergio [Perez]. It was quite difficult out there; obviously the car is not designed like that otherwise we would use it all the time, but I was surprised how good it was still. Of course there were some handling issues which was not ideal, but we just had to try to live with it and we still had pretty okay speed.”

RAI – “Bitches! I fucking ran that shit with the fucking nose of my car flapping in the wind! I hit people! My car was all fucked up! ‘Kimi!’, they said. ‘Your car! It’s all fucked up!’, I said, ‘I give a fuck?’ And I kept on racing. Sure: I came in second. VET thinks he’s the shit ’cause he made up 11 seconds on soft tyres? Seb, just because you hear Darth Vader’s theme, doesn’t mean you are Darth Vader. Also, FRIC is the fucking SHIT. Doesn’t help you start, though, apparently. That was bullshit.”

Romain Grosjean
“It was a long, tough race and again we not able to make it work quite as well as we wanted. I’m definitely not happy with ninth place; we started P6 and thought we had a good chance to end up within the top five, but unfortunately we could not manage it. I did as much as I could, but I couldn’t get the performance I wanted and being in traffic of course affects this. It was good to score some points for the team, but I want more in Bahrain for sure.”

GRO – “Oh, sure! Kimi gets all the cool shit and then he just smashes it and then that turns out to be the right thing to do! Two points! I needed another older brother like I needed a another hole in my head! Augh!”

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team
Lewis Hamilton
“It was a good race for me today and whilst I would have loved the win, I’m really happy with third place and being on the podium for the second race in a row. Fernando and Kimi were just a little bit too fast for us during the race and my tyres were shot at the end trying to keep ahead of Sebastian. I could see his car getting bigger and bigger in my mirrors so it was nice to be able to hang on for the third place. The guys did a great job this weekend to get us where we were; on pole and finishing third. We got the absolute most out of the car we had and that’s very satisfying. We’re not quite there yet in terms of overall pace but everyone is working so hard and I know we can do it.”

HAM – “I could give a shit less about just about anything as long as I keep scoring podium and fucking McLaren keeps screwing the pooch, I’ll just stand up here and spray champagne all over the you guys like I give a rat’s ass. My earrings and I look like geniuses. I’ll literally take that and FRIC to the bank. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg
“The race was tough for me today and with my set-up I had an unexpected level of understeer which made it difficult to drive. After my second pit stop, the feeling got worse and I had one front wheel in the air during the corners. The rear anti-roll bar, which influences the balance of the car, had broken so unfortunately we had to retire the car. It’s a shame and I’ve had a difficult start to the season with two DNFs. But it’s good to have the next race in just seven days time so hopefully we can put this result behind us with a strong weekend in Bahrain. It was great for the team to get another podium today.”

ROS – “So this is what BUT meant when he said he was so sick of being Haribo’s bitch. Hmm.”

Sauber F1 Team
Nico Hülkenberg
“It was quite a mixed race with mixed emotions. It was obviously very nice to be leading again, and to be at the front battling with the top teams. I had a reasonable start and some nice battles in the first couple of laps. I was able to gain some positions, but, somehow, towards the end of the race, we were losing or lacking a little bit of pace. Once you are in the lead or second you understandably hope for more. Nevertheless, it might not have been the true picture, as we were racing out of sequence with other people who were starting on soft tyres. But anyway, it was quite a good race. I don’t think the two issues I had in pit lane made a difference between winning or losing.”

HUL – “Seems like everyone has caught ‘Hulkenberg Fever’ but my team! What’s up with those pit-stops, yo? I have the ‘fever’! Maybe all y’all need to get ‘into sequence’ and get the fever!”

Esteban Gutiérrez
“First of all, I had a good start, and a good first lap. At that point in the race when the accident happened, we had a reasonable speed and were able to keep the pace in order to stay with the group in front. Right before going into the long straight I had Checo (Perez) fighting behind me, and I approached the corner too fast. I was braking at the same place where I usually brake, however, didn’t anticipate the loss of downforce and the amount of speed I had. I tried my best to stop, but didn’t succeed. It was definitely my fault, and I apologise to Adrian (Sutil) and to his team. It’s not a good feeling to finish a race like this, but we have something to encourage us to keep going and to keep pushing. We had a good pace, and let’s keep moving forward.”

GUT – “Holy crap, they race these cars fast! This ain’t circling the zocalo for chicks like back in secundaria! I was thinking about that, those chicas, when I drive right up SUT’s ass. My bad.”

Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team
Paul Di Resta
“A good result in the end and a strong recovery after a difficult start to the race. I was battling with Nico [Hulkenberg] on the opening lap, but unfortunately there was some contact with Adrian [Sutil] down at the hairpin, which put me on the grass and set us back three or four places. After that I was stuck in the pack, my tyres were graining, and I couldn’t really make much progress. It wasn’t until the third stint that I was in some clean air and the pace of the car was very strong. I was pushing all the way and I knew it
would be very close after the final stop with Grosjean and Hulkenberg. But the pit crew did a top job; they kept their nerve and we managed to stay ahead of both of them. If everything had gone to plan I’m sure we could have done an even better job, but it’s good to pick up more points and to see our race pace right up there once again.”

RES – “Four points for Force India, yo! Holy Shit! Can I use these points at, like, an arcade?!”

Adrian Sutil
“A very disappointing day for me. Things were going well in the opening laps and then under braking for the final hairpin I got hit from behind as I turned into the corner. I guess Gutierrez missed his braking point and had nowhere to go but into the back of my car. My rear wing was broken and there was no option but to stop. It’s always a shame not to finish a race and I had a good chance of scoring more points today. I was on the soft tyre and the strategy looked to be shaping up well.”

SUT – “I was thinking about Australia and how koalas are so cute and how much I loved Australia and then I got mixed up and I thought you were supposed to hit your own team members … Then GUT drove right up my ass and put me out my misery. Are we going to Australia next? What? BAHRAIN?! Fuck me.”

Williams F1 Team
Valtteri Bottas
“The team did a good job with the strategy today and we made the most out of what we had. I think it was the best race I have done this season but we need to find more pace to get closer to the front. I knew it was going to be close with Pastor at the end, so I was pushing hard in my final stint on the medium tyres. I was then right behind him on the faster option tyres and so able to make a move on the penultimate lap. It was a nice end to the race but we still need to improve so we can race for points.”

BOT – “I tried to pass Pastor, just for the sake of my own pride, then, I remembered what a maniac he is and I just said, ‘Fuck it.” And I decided it would be better to just finish. That was pretty much the highlight of my season so far.”

Pastor Maldonado
“It was a difficult race from the beginning. We lost a lot of time on the option tyres in the first stint and we just didn’t have the pace. We didn’t have a chance to fight for any higher positions and we know we are still far away from where we want to be, but we will keep our focus on improving.”

MAL – “Next race, I am totally hitting someone.”

Scuderia Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo
“I am really pleased to score my first points of the season and to confirm the qualifying performance. After yesterday afternoon I kept calm, knowing the real work would begin today. The last time I qualified this well was sixth in Bahrain last year and then I failed to score, so today, I really wanted to show people what I could do, so it’s great for me to have had a great race but it’s especially good for the team, who have worked so hard for this. Of course, the early pit stop to change the nose affected our plans and towards the end, Massa’s Ferrari was looking bigger and bigger ahead of me! So yes, maybe
I could have done even better, but for now I’ll settle for this seventh place. From the start of the season, we have had many changes in terms of personnel and it takes a while for that to gel and this weekend, it felt like everything clicked into place, after the first two race weekends were a bit up and down, but now I expect us to continue getting stronger from here on.”

RIC – “Is this what winning feels like???!!! Holy shit! THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX AS IMAGINED WITH ALONZO’S GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!”

Jean-Éric Vergne
“I think Mark could not have got through from where he tried and I’m not even sure if he was trying to pass me. Certainly I didn’t even know he was there. Unfortunately, the impact put me into a spin and the incident damaged my floor. From then I lost a lot of downforce. It was not a good race from then on, having lost a lot of time and having to drive a damaged car. It’s not been a good weekend, as I did not have a smooth time of it from the start. However, as I said yesterday, the pace of the car has improved
in the break since Malaysia, as could be seen from what Daniel was able to do today. Therefore I am now looking forward to Bahrain with a positive outlook.”

VER – “Mark was trying to pass on the inside and. . .you know how there’s that thing where you drive right at the thing you want to avoid? There are some CRAZY videos on youtube of people driving right at that parked semi or a cop car with all the flashing lights and shit. Anyway, that’s kinda what I did to Mark. . . and, then, since he went to the crossroads that VET told him to, he got blamed for hitting me!! Hah! Thanks, Seb!”

Caterham F1 Team
Charles Pic
“For me that was a good race, almost as good as we could have hoped for with our current performance levels and run to a good race strategy. The car felt good right from the start – the setup we went for worked well and I had a decent start on the soft tyres and came in just as they were starting to degrade heavily, came out ahead of Bianchi and for two thirds of the race I was pretty comfortably holding 15th place. Unfortunately on my third stop I came out in 16th and didn’t quite have enough pace to fight so I finished in 16th, but the fact we were able to keep pace with the Marussia for the whole race and at some points be just out of reach of a Williams is very encouraging for the future. Now we go straight to Bahrain where we hope things will become interesting.”

PIC – As always, China: exceptional clag! It isn’t like chewy clag we get at the cheap take-out places at home: this is the good shit. All tender and fresh tasting. Crisp! And you just know all the vitamins and nutrition are still there … albeit, slathered in oyster sauce. Anyway, yummy clag! Man, I just wish I wasn’t hungry, like, a half hout after the race. What’s up with that?”

Giedo van der Garde
“That really wasn’t a good race for me. I had another very strong start, passing three cars, but almost from the moment the first set of softs started going off I couldn’t find any real pace and was struggling for the whole race. After a good Friday it’s been a pretty tough weekend for me, but I’m a very positive person and this is all part of the learning curve I knew I’d have for the early season races and I know I have the team on my side to help me progress. We have the chance straight away to get back to the sort of performance we want in Bahrain so we’ll look at what we can learn from here and move on to the next race where I’m sure things will improve.”

GAR – “The practice, where there really no other cars on the track was great! The rest kinda sucked. Glad to be here!”

Marussia F1 Team
Jules Bianchi
“I am very happy to finish in 15th place today, but it was a tough race and to be honest I was happy to see the chequered flag after quite a difficult final stint holding onto the tyres. I got a good start and held position for quite a while before Pic was able to get ahead when we ran a slightly longer first stint. I spent the next two stints making up the time before retaking track position at the third round of pitstops. After that I was running with Maldonado and it was encouraging that I was able to maintain the gap to him for quite some time. Towards the end of the race though I had to focus on the tyre management
more while ensuring that I kept the gap to Pic behind me. Those final laps seemed to last for an eternity but we got the right result in the end. Overall it was an enjoyable race – certainly my most challenging yet – and I think we have all learned even more about the tyres today. I think we have made another good step and it will be important to maintain this in Bahrain before we can then switch focus to what we will bring for Europe.”

BIA – “Glad to be here! And, hey, check it out: mentioning the tyres. . .like it matters! Just a pro!”

Max Chilton
“Again, I think we have good reason to focus on the positives today as the race went well for me and the car felt good. I’m pleased that we end our time in China on a stronger note after a few challenges along the way. I didn’t get the best start but things improved through the race and that was reflected in my lap time relative to Van Der Garde. So looking at what has been a good race and also the signs from Free Practice earlier in the weekend, it’s all starting to come together I think. Importantly, we brought home another good combined result for the Team and demonstrated that we can understand and respond to issues quickly to achieve the right outcome. I hope that we will have an easier time of it
in Bahrain so I can make another positive start to the weekend and then have the opportunity to maintain that momentum.”

CHI – “GUYS! HOLY CRAP! ONCE AGAIN: NOT LAST! CAN YOU BELIVE THIS SHIT???!!! OK, NEW GOAL! NEXT RACE: EITHER PIC OR BIA IS TOTALLY EATING MY DUST!!!”

China GP Qualifying Translated

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Don’t let me get in my zone.

HAM – I wrote a song for you, Nicole. It’s called “P1”. Guys? Ready? OK, here we go: “Ohhh, I love me some take-out! Sichuan, Mandarin: I don’t care. . oh, yeah! I love this track! Ohh, FRIC: I think I love you more than Hariboooo! Yeah, baby!” Bless.

RAI – All you bitches didn’t want to believe Malaysia was a fluke! Remember me, not behind the door, not in the closet. . .BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN!!! Lights out, baby. Lights out.

ALO – Just wanted to show all y’all what we can rock when, you know, all the parts stay on the car. Sorry, all you lovers of tyre doughnuts!

ROS – Thank heavens we don’t worry about the whole “#1 ,#2” thing at this team! That means, when ALO goes sparky-bye-bye and Kimi goes down the wrong track, I’ll have a shot .. . ’cause there’s no #1 or #2 on this team!

MAS – The bitch is back, bitches!

GRO – I’m pretty sure they gave me all the awesome shit they give Kimi!

RIC – So, guys, um,  I’m confused: when you start in the top ten. . .. .Wait, what! I’m P7?! Oh, fuck! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?! Breathe, Daniel. Breeeatthhe.

BUT – Secretly, PER bought that Estrella Rojo bus. I totally qualified in it. It was a bitch, too, because all the buttons in this thing are in Spanish. Does anybody know what “Este buton es para pedir una Michelada” means?

VET – Seriously, you guys HAVE to stop playing the Darth Vader Theme when I walk in the room!

HUL – Oh, momentum of 2012! You were so fleeting! Come back! I’ll be good! I promise!

RES – I think I accidentally got Adrian’s spot.

PER – I went with a bus from Flecha de Rojo. I should’ve known better. Every time, on the way to Jalapa, the driver would stop for epazote. This thing REEKS of epazote!

SUT – Isn’t China close to Australia?! Sonofabitch!

WEB – No matter, mate: I’ve got the eucalyptus hidden in Seb’s helmet; I’ve got the koala in my suit. First time I pass VET, that fucking koala is going to eat his fucking heart to get to that plant. After that, it’s clag city. . .and I’m ok with that!

MAL – Ugh.

VER – Ugh.

BOT – I suppose you think this is funny.

GUT – Where can I get one of those Flecha de Rojo buses?!

BIA – Glad to be here!

CHI – GUYS! CHECK IT OUT! NOT IN LAST PLACE!! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!

PIC – I’m so torn: clag with black bean sauce or clag in garlic sauce. . . I can’t remember what I had last time. .. um. . .ok, before I forget, while I’m deciding: I want an order of two clag egg rolls.

GAR – Glad to be here!

BEAST MODE: Pre-Translations for China GP 2013

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Ermigawrd, tha Tyyrrrsh! Theerr tooo shhhurft! No, wait: Ermigard, the Tyyrrrrsh: therr too heeerd! We’re only going to come in sheeecoonnd!

Kiddies, has this been, like, the longest three weeks ever?! So many dysfunctional relationships, brewing like three week-old take out in the back of your fridge! Translation Services is SO HAPPY to see the teams and the racers tweeting from Shanghai! 

How many laps ’til WEB and VET toss all decorum out the window, climb out of their precious Newey-mobiles, and settle this shit mano a mano? I predict, in classic Aussie-style, Webbo pulls a feral, half-starved koala out of his suit, tosses into Seb’s car as Mark is passing him (against team orders) and laughs as the koala goes ape-shit over the eucalyptus that WEB has surreptitiously stashed under VET’s helmet. 

How many laps ’til Rosberg litters the track with Haribo candies, deployed from his car 007-style, in an effort to distract HAM and take some podium action? Later, Hamilton will say it wasn’t really Rosberg and his slick of candied cherries, it was that he was thinking about this really great song he was going to write for Nicole. Bless.

How many laps before ALO is running just. . . one. . . more . . . lap.. . on a rim or with something making sparks everywhere? No, no! Don’t pit yet, Fernando! We can squeeze just one more lap out! Do you have the duct tape we left in the cockpit?! Do you have it!? Ok, pull the car ov.. . . oh, fuck! More confetti covered tyre/doughnuts. Well, they look tasty!

How may laps until Massa regains his form completely and that ‘lil F1 driver we’ve missed so much quietly kicks everyone’s ass. . .Or places better than fourth? He’ll be on that comeback, finally, taking third . . all season.

How many laps before McLaren reveals the secret weapon they’ve been working on for the last three weeks: The ___________________!!!!!!!@!@!!@!!@!!!!!!1111!!!!! ? Psyche! We weren’t really working on anything! We all just took a bunch of happy pills and now we don’t really mind that we can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with the car.  .. other than the three wheel/four wheel controversy. Sergio! Do you still have the link to that bus in Jalapa?! Call that guy, will you? Thanks.

How many laps ’til Max Chilton CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S TOTALLY RACING IN THIS SHIT!!!? YOU GUYS! NOW WE ARE IN CHINA!?? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THIS IS NUTS!!! WOO-HOOOO!!!!

How many laps until Sutil is in his car, asking himself: “Ok, Australia, Australia. Something went right there. . .WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT??! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER!? AUGH!!”?

How many laps until Kimi tires of all y’all’s bullshit and calls upon the seven ice dragons to fly down from Linnunrata and just fucking deposit his ass in P1, call it a day and go have a beer? With or without the ice dragons, that’s how the shits going down!

Translation Services is happy because there will be a lot of fresh BS through which to paw. . . and find the truth.

McLaren: Upgrades, bitches!

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Yep, and all you fuckers were all, “Oh, no: Windows ME will be a total upgrade from 98! And I was all, “EEEEyyeah, maybe we should wait ’til XP comes out. ‘It’ll be more user-friendly!’ You said. ‘It’s more stable!’ You said. Fucking idiots. You know what? Any dumbass who upgraded to Windows ME? You can run Button’s fucking Twitter! I’m fucking sick of turning down marriage requests from all the fangirls!”

Button, Translated

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Thanks to Mirror and McLaren Soul for the link.

Have you surfed Craigslist Mexico for used buses?! It’s all FREAKS! However, hey, they generally come with all their wheels! Hah! Ha. Uhhh.

Jenson Button roared ‘don’t write me off’ and insisted he could still be world champion this year.

And the 33-year-old said the scale of McLaren’s remarkable turnaround in Sepang had been so significant he has a smile back on his face despite scoring just two points in two races.

After struggling to ninth in a disastrous Melbourne debut for the radical new car the 2009 champion said his car would never win a race in its current state.

But just seven days later engineers unlocked the car’s true potential and Button was squaring up to battle Lewis Hamilton for a podium place in Malaysia.

Only a pit stop cock-up ruined his chances.

“The championship is still on as far as I am concerned and I am aiming for that. Definitely,” said Button.

“Sebastian almost beat me to the title in 2009 and he didn’t score for the first four races.

“It’s a massive turnaround for us. Most of the race in Sepang we were quicker than the Lotus. Most of the race we were quicker than Ferrari. Who would have thought that five days before?

“We are still not where we want to be and we got a bit lucky with the circuit being so smooth which helped a bit but a lot is understanding where the downforce is.

“The car is still not perfected, it was really thrown together for Sepang.

“The great thing is there are so many cars that are competitive and taking points off each other, which is exactly what we need.

“It was such a positive weekend until the pit stop and it hurt. And it hurt when I woke up the next day knowing we scored nothing and we could have, at worst, been fifth.

“It is what it is. We’ve got to move on and look forward to China.

“I just wish it wasn’t around three weeks away. In a way, though, that’s good because it gives us extra time to work on the car.

“For us the gap means more than it does to most teams because it gives us time to perfect the car.

“I am a very happy driver at the moment knowing we have improved so much.

“And I know what the team can achieve over the next few weeks to take a strong car to in China.

“I have gone from being pretty down in Melbourne to being a lot more positive in the five days between the first two races.

“Things are not all sorted. We still have issues and need to get the car’s ride sorted but in terms of development the car is much better. We’ve had a massive turnaround.

“We are still off the pace of the Red Bulls but it is still amazing how much you can move forward in five days and I was surprised to be in fifth and still being able to see the leader.”

BUT – “Hah. Yeah, Sergio and I were already shopping Craigslist in the D.F. for an old Estrella de Oro bus to race instead of the car. If we got a Plus model, we could transport the team and they could watch movies on the bus! Maybe even during the race. One of the mechanics has a pirated copy of “Rush” he got in Sepang.

When I say “it was really thrown together in Sepang”, I’m pretty much admitting that we really did have those pontoons on there with zip-ties. I know it sounds crazy, but it would have been awesome! We had all this extra space for the livery. But, hey, the cleansing monsoon we needed didn’t arrive.

We’ve made a lot of improvements using flash cards: We show the guys pictures of cars with four wheels going really fast and a “thumb’s up” and pictures of cars with three wheels with a big “NO” symbol on there. I think they’re really starting to get it!

But, seriously, the car was fucked, FUCKED! at the beginning of the year, and we’ve really made some headway in decoding the curse that HAM left, scribbled on the back of a Haribo bag. I think we just need a pair of ridiculously large, diamond earrings to correctly shine light on the text to reveal the answer.” 

Hamilton Singing, Translated

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Seriously, if I’m at all responsible for Lewis thinking he should sing, I’m really sorry. Like, this is probably worse than the time I got caught with the transvestite hooker.

Amazing Gracias to Formula 1 Blog for the singing link telegram.

Things are looking up for Lewis Hamilton. He still has his girlfriend, Pussycat Dolls lead singer and X-Factor judge Nicole Scherzinger, as well as a new dog, named Roscoe, and a brand new jet worth £20m. The one thing he gained by going to Mercedes was a bit of autonomy and that could allow him to re-focus on his music. the one thing he loves and hasn’t seen to fruition.

That could be a case of history as producer Angel has been working with Hamilton and has recorded 12 songs. Angel said:

“He sounds better than certain singers. He’s a proper singer. It’s a breath of fresh air. He’s got a smooth vocal,” said Angel.

“I hope (he does release them) because it’s actually crazy. Right now he’s just recording. He’s a perfectionist. He doesn’t want to rush. If it doesn’t sound right, he’ll record it again.

“It’s a real diversity. He’s got rap — “dirty south” kind of tunes, some massive pop records and soul records. We’re doing all types of genres. We’ve written about 12 songs so far.”

How’s that for an endorsement? Comes in handy having a music business girlfriend and a desire to record songs. Lewis is a lover of music and has spent a lot of time learning guitar and one presumes having a well-known producer to handle vocal production, well that is the icing on the cake. Angel said:

“I was chilling in a restaurant and he was in the studio opposite. My manager got an email saying he’d been referred to us after hearing I did vocal production. We left the restaurant and went straight over and the day after we started working together.”

Hamilton came under criticism two years ago when his personal life seemed to be adding distraction and stress on his professional life. His on-track performance seemed to struggle from time-to-time and he admitted that his eye was off the ball… at the expense of McLaren. His desire to record music, travel with his pop music girlfriend and chill with Hollywood folks may have gotten in the way of his desire to be world champion again.

Will it have an impact on his new role at Mercedes? Most likely not as Hamilton proved last year that he is capable of re-focusing and getting on track with a terrific performance that came short of a title. Hamilton likes his new life and if the team keep asking teammate Nico Rosberg to stay behind Lewis, as in the Malaysian Grand Prix, then his life can only get better as the clear number one at Mercedes.

HAM – “So, guys! Guys! I’ve totally decided to join the awesome ranks of people-who-are-pretty-good-at-one-thing-but-pretty-much-suck-at-another and I’m totally recording another album/dropping some mad cash on studio time since I have so much money I don’t know what do with it all. Ok, ok, I know: Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, Eddie Murphy, Bill Cosby, Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas, Bruce Willis. .. I  know! It’s an impressive track record! A daunting task to achieve more than these guys have, musically, right? But I think I’m up to the challenge! Also, money.

Even though this album-thing already kinda became a thing with my last team, I figured: Hey, it’s new team, a new start. I know all the other drivers succeed by being completely committed to driving, to racing. I kinda think: it only bit me in the ass once before, I should try it again! Besides: I am Dope Beats! Really: I am. And I don’t say that just because I paid Jan Smith a kazillion dollars to say my name in the same breath as Drake and The Biebs. She did that ’cause I’m AAAAWESOME. (Confidential to all y’all: How do I know this album will be dope? Nicole and I did this thing with the Ouija Board and we totally contacted Rick James in the afterlife! For reals, yo! We dropped some tracks for Rick’s ghost and said it was at least as good as Eddie’s best tracks! Awesome, right!? Then his ghost asked us for some crack. . .but, awesome, right!!??)

Don’t worry, Merc! If I start sucking at racing, I’ll just blame the tyres. OMG, those A-holes at Pirelli, amiright?!!

Bless.

Bonus Translation: Angel – “Oh my GOD! These fucking checks that he’s writing me for sitting in the booth, listening to his cat-strangling, nodding my head to his “beats” are fucking HUGE! HUGE! 12 whole songs! 12 times I want my fucking soul back! Oh, but those sweet, sweet gigantic checks!”

Button, Translated

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Thanks, SkySports, for the link.

I’ve got 99 problems. . .One of them is: How many tires make zoom-zoom car go faster? I forget.

The 2009 World Champion was given the green light to leave pits during his third stop before his front right wheel was attached.

The 33-year-old’s car ground to a halt by the Sauber garage and the time lost waiting to be pushed back by the McLaren mechanics dropped him out of the points.

Button retired with three laps to go to ensure he can take a new gearbox in China without penalty, but feels that without the pit mistake he could have challenged both Mercedes cars for third place.

“It’s easy for me to say we would have been on the podium as we didn’t finish and I am sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think we had a chance to fight with the Mercedes,” Jenson told Sky Sports F1.

“We had one less pitstop to do, but I don’t know what would have happened, but I think at worst it would have been fifth. We could have pushed the Mercedes and they were fighting between themselves so it could have been interesting.

“But it is a good improvement over the last race just a week ago. We never thought we would be fighting for fifth, let alone a little bit better, so there are positives, but it is always very tough when you have an issue like this as it is a lot of points thrown away – even fifth is ten points. So that is tough, but the positives are that we are improving and I can see that we will be even more competitive in China.”

The pace shown by Button was a dramatic improvement on the Australian Grand Prix just seven days ago, and whilst the 2009 World Champion feels they will continue to progress in China, he is not expecting as a big a step in performance.

“We made some good improvements,” he added.

“This circuit helped us a bit as it is smoother than Albert Park, but in general we have been trying things and trying to understand the way the aero is working and I think we have a much better understanding now.

“We are getting there – we won’t have such a big step forward in China as we did from the last race to this race, but every little bit will count. We had a chance of finishing very high here today and hopefully we can do that again in China.”

BUT – It’s easy for me to say we would’ve had a podium spot. It is also easy for me to say that the pontoons we installed with zip-ties are what helped us through the really rainy parts of the track. What’s really hard for me to say is that, last year, my biggest problem was that I wasn’t following HAM on the Twitter. Well, that and all the empty fucking Haribo bags all over the garage. That was a pain in the ass. So, now, I’m free of HAM, but I have this problem where we’re struggling with the number of tires attached to the car. The universe, I guess, always finds its balance.

Ecclestone Translated

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“I’ve a big bag of cherry Haribo if you can do some more distracting shit. Otherwise, I’ve gotta just make stuff up.”
“You smell like my grandpa.”

Danke to NBC Motorsports for the link.

Lewis Hamilton denies Bernie Ecclestone’s claim he had a chance to join to join Sebastian Vettel at Red Bull this year.

According to Ecclestone talks were held at the British Grand Prix last year for Hamilton to replace Mark Webber at the team. But Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz opted to give Webber, who won the race, first refusal on the drive.

Hamilton said he didn’t know what to make of Ecclestone’s claim: “I think he said something about me talking to Red Bull?”

“I said to my management team to speak to all the teams and give me what the best options were. There was no particular one that I was pushing for more.”

Ecclestone said Vettel would have no objections to sharing a team with a driver of Hamilton’s caliber: “Sebastian wouldn’t have cared if Lewis had signed for the team.”

It’s the second time in five days Hamilton has distanced himself from remarks made by Ecclestone.

Heading into the Malaysian Grand Prix Ecclestone claimed that Hamilton would rather have taken a year’s sabbatical from racing than spend another season at McLaren.

“I don’t think I would leave this sport unless I didn’t have a good feeling about it, or a smile and an energy when I got in the car. I love racing, so there is no need to stop,” was Hamilton’s response to that suggestion.

However he did add: “I think Bernie has a better memory than me.”

ECC – Yoo-hooooo! Look over here! Pay no attention to the swirling police lights and group scream-therapy going on in Horner’s front yard! This is the real story, over here! Look over here! It’s Hamilton, being so Hamilton, you guys! Guys? Look? Over? Here? Guys. . . .. Wha. . . What was that? Woah. Is someone being led away in cuffs?!

HAM – You are old. Bless.

F1 Services – This is actually kinda of perfect. The Bern-Dawg is simultaneously trying to distract us with Hamilton Antics(tm) and make it come off like Webber is the driver to whom Red Bull is being the most loyal. Me likey, Bernie!

2013 Malaysia Grand Prix Driver Quotes, Translated

Aside

Muchas Gracias to Formula 1 Blog for the driver quotes.

MALAYSIA GRAND PRIX
KUALA LUMPUR
SUNDAY DRIVER QUOTES
24 MARCH 2013

Infiniti Red Bull Racing

Sebastian Vettel

“I messed up today. I would love to come up with a nice excuse as to why I did it, but I can’t. I can understand Mark’s frustration and the team not being happy with what I did today; I owe an explanation to him and the whole team. I will try to explain to them later. We talk about this situation happening many times and what we will do if and when it happens and normally it doesn’t, but today it did and I should have translated the call into action. I got the call and I ignored it. Mark and I are used to fighting each other when we’re close, but with the tyres how they are now, and not knowing how long they will last, it was an extremely big risk to ignore the call to stay second. We could have ended up finishing eighth or ninth after destroying the tyres in those two laps; I put myself above a team decision, which was wrong. I didn’t mean to and I apologise. I’m not happy I’ve won, I made a mistake and if I could undo it I would. It’s not easy right now and I owe apologies to Mark and the team.”

VET – “Did anybody realize, until this very moment, what an unbelivable cock I am? I mean, you thought Hamilton was a piece of work, what with his earrings and his cocksure unease of a dog that’s been beaten one too many times. But, shit, here I am: a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL, unable to OBEY FUCKING ORDERS. So, sure, I feel bad: poor Mark and  all that, real shame, to be sure. I feel terrible, of course, but, hey, I did what I did BECAUSE OF THE TYRES!!!!!! THE TYRES!!! It’s, um, ah, it’s. . . Not, um, that I’m a fucking egotistical prick, desperate to exorcise the ghost of the “dead” MSC. No, I just wasn’t sure about the tyres. Sorry, Mark! I guess.”

F1 Svcs- People, recall our recent post about the tyres! This cocksucker has moved from bitching about the tyres as part excuse and part windmill to fucking BLAMING THE TYRES FOR DISOBEYING TEAM ORDERS, BEING A DICK AND FUCKING MOTHER THERESA DYING. Vettel, most of all, I hate your fucking ass right now for making fucking Lewis fucking “Haribo” Hamilton seem FUCKING SYMPATHETIC. WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKK!!!????

Mark Webber

“I think Sebastian has respect for me and I have respect for him, but the situation today was not handled well. It’s hard to put your finger on it all now after the race; when we’re racing on the limit and pushing as hard as we can, then it’s the worst situation for a team. I am sure they are bricking themselves and know that things can go wrong. There’s a bit of history to this as well; my mind in the last 15 laps was thinking about a lot of things, but I was happy with the way I drove. I tried to isolate what happened at the end and we got something out of it today, but of course I’m not satisfied with the result. This puts heat on a few people and unfortunately there’s no rewind button. I know people want raw emotion from us after these situations and it’s there, but we need to remain cool. There’s three weeks until the next race, so time for us to work on things.”

WEB – “I totally have to stop hanging out with fucking Grosjean. I had all my shit rockin’ today. Shrimp was on the barbie. cheekbones fucking honed like a motherfucker: I was Powning! Apparently, VET got into my medicine cabinet and took a double decker of my Viagra. Who’s got the biggest cock, Seb? It won’t matter after I fucking bris your shit down to a nub with the 60 grit stubble on my chin dimple. If the next race was held tomorrow instead of, say, three weeks from now, I would basically drive Adrian’s car right up Seb’s ass right off P2 and empty a Foster’s onto his head as the other cars drove around us. Multi-21, VET! Multi-21!” 

Scuderia Ferrari

Fernando Alonso

“Today, unfortunately, we were very unlucky. After making a good start, I touched with Vettel at the second corner: it was a surprise to find him there, almost stopped and I don’t know what speed he was doing. Despite the fact the car was damaged, it didn’t seem to be too bad and, together with the team, we decided to keep going, because if we’d stopped immediately and then again on lap 3 or 4 to fit dry tyres, we would have dropped too far back and definitely lost the chance to finish up the front. It’s easy to criticise this decision, but at the time it seemed like the right one. It was certainly a shame, because here we could have fought with the Red Bulls, but circumstances didn’t help and apart from the wisdom of the decisions we took, bad luck really played its part, when you think how many off-track excursions there were in Australia without any consequence and even here when the cars first went out on track. Now we are already focusing on the coming races in China and Bahrain, where we hope to do better than last year, so that we arrive in Europe with as many points as possible.”

ALO – “If I had pulled that shit off, that would’ve been some righteous shit, no?. As it was, you got to see my front spoiler disintegrate into a million pieces. And, also, sparks! Somehow, isn’t it more exciting to think about what could have been? No? Fuck.”

Felipe Massa

“Today’s race was really complicated, because starting with a new set of intermediates on a track that was very damp at some points and completely dry at others, prevented me from having a good pace and I lost ground to many other drivers on the first lap. Maybe bringing forward the first stop to fit dry tyres was a slightly risky choice, because the track was still damp and this cost me time. Then on the dry track, the car improved, the tyre degradation wasn’t excessive and I managed to settle into a good pace, but at that point, any hope of finishing on the podium had vanished. I can’t say I’m satisfied with this result, but given all the difficulties I had at the start of the race, I am happy to bring home a good points haul”.

MAS – “Somehow, and I’m really not sure how, I came home with some points. Also, my team mate and I are still following each other on Twitter. . .. and speaking to each other.”

Vodafone McLaren Mercedes

Sergio Perez

“This afternoon my engineers sorted out a very good race strategy that enabled me to pass the cars immediately in front of me early on – so thank you and well done for that, guys. Unfortunately, towards the end of the race, my tyres began to degrade a bit too much, especially my front left, and we therefore felt it would be too risky to try to drive to the finish on that set. Consequently, we had no real option other than to make an extra pitstop, which caused me to lose position. I still ended up ninth, which is two places better than I finished in Melbourne last weekend, so I think it’s fair to say that we can see that progress is being made. In Shanghai in two weeks’ time let’s hope that that upward trend continues.”

PER – “Just so we’re clear, when I say “thanks and well done for that guys”, I mean: “Hey, um, ASSHOLES! STOP WITH THE FAVORS!” I think I’d rather fucking buy an decommissioned fucking Estrella Rojo bus and drag it around the track with a fucking tractor than drive this piece of shit car I have currently.”

Jenson Button

“We drove a good race today. Strategy-wise, we did everything right. We pitted on the correct laps and looked after the tyres exactly as we should have done. We’d have finished fifth but for the problem in the pitstop – maybe we’d even have been in the battle for third and fourth. It’s very disappointing that we weren’t able to demonstrate that, of course. Even at the end we had a chance of scoring a point, but unfortunately I was struggling with my front left [tyre] by that stage. It kept locking up, and it was producing such a bad vibration that I think the guys were worried that it might damage the front left suspension if I carried on. However, as I say, apart from the pitstop problem, I think we did a pretty good job. We’ve made improvements over the past week, and the result of those improvements was that we were more competitive here in Malaysia than we were in Australia last weekend, so there are definitely positives that we can take away with us. Hopefully, in China in two weeks’ time, we can continue that steady improvement and score a few more points.”

BUT – “Hey! Ah. . . At least we didn’t have to deploy the pontoons?”

Lotus F1 Team

Kimi Räikkönen

“Although the car felt very good on Friday, yesterday and today have been pretty difficult. Since Saturday morning it has not been behaving as we expected for some reason, especially in the wet where we really struggled for grip. It was a tough race and I lost part of my front wing at the start which didn’t help, but at least we scored a few points which is better than coming away with nothing. If we can get the car back to how it was in Australia then I’m sure we’ll be at the front again.”

RAI – “Hello, bitches. You know that scene in the American horror movies? The one where the little slut, recently fucked, is about to get what’s coming to her? And they do, like, two fake-out scares until she gets the blade right between her knockers (ironically, of course). You know that scene? Well, guess what, bitches! I was not behind the shower curtain: I WAS BEHIND THE DOOR!!!!! See you in China!!!! Fuckers.”

Romain Grosjean

“I think we can be quite happy with the result today. It was a tough race, starting wet and finishing dry, but that’s what you expect in Malaysia. I spent a lot of time stuck behind Felipe [Massa] in the middle phase of the race and I’m sure if I could have passed him earlier then I would have stayed ahead, but by the end my tyres were finished so it was best just to let him through. It’s not the result we would have wanted at the beginning of the weekend, but at the end of the day it’s more points for the team and we’ll try to come back stronger in Shanghai.”

GRO – “Oh, I forgot to add Kimi’s awesome exhaust to my list of excuses. Hey, um, does anybody know if Mark changed his cell number? The one I’m dialing just kicks right to voicemail.”

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team

Lewis Hamilton

“That was a fantastic job by the team today. They worked so hard over the winter and to achieve a podium at the second race of the season is a nice reward, particularly here in Malaysia at one of our home races. I have to say big congratulations to Nico. He drove a smarter and more controlled race than me this afternoon and deserved to finish where I did. The team made the call for us to hold positions and we both respected that. The race was tough, we were fighting hard with Red Bull and went aggressive on our fuel strategy but they were just too good today. Third and fourth places is still a great result for us however and just increases our motivation to keep pushing and close that gap.”

HAM – “I look like such a genius for ditching McLaren, I almost don’t care how I finish. Also, If I act to act the part of “gracious winner” for the rest of the season, I might not need to visit children’s hospitals every Friday to stop looking like an asshole. I can beat Nico, take podium, fuck Nicole and totally phone that shit in to the cancer wards! Bless.”

Nico Rosberg

“It was a great day for us as a team and we can be very happy of our performance here this weekend. It was a good feeling to be competitive and to be able to set fastest lap times during the race. Thanks to all of you at the team for all the hard work, results like these are very well deserved. Of course, it was disappointing for me having to hold position but I understand the team’s decision to safeguard our positions and to make sure that both cars got to the end with a strong team finish, especially in light of the tough times behind us. There are a lot of races to go and our performance today makes me look forward to fighting for more podium finishes in the future.”

ROS – “I took it up the ass today because I am the good soldier. Every now and then, though, even a soldier must be allowed to blow some shit up.”

Sauber F1 Team

Nico Hülkenberg

“I feel quite well rewarded going home with four points after my first race of the season in a new team and with a new car. I am quite happy with how it went, especially at the start of the race when we were quite quick on the intermediates. But then I was stuck in traffic and couldn’t find my way past other drivers. I think eighth was well deserved, considering I had to fight and push a lot today. I think the potential is there, and now we have to work on a few details.”

HUL – “I found the voo-doo doll, whomever of you assholes was pricking it with needles. But, motherfucker, if those needles weren’t stuck in there!!”

Esteban Gutiérrez

“P12 is an ok result, but Ideally we would have liked to finish in the points. At the end of the race we lost time because we stayed on the same set of tyres for too long. We tried to change the strategy and I did my best. That was all we could do at that stage. Overall the weekend is a step forward and we need to keep working and put everything together to achieve points.”

GUT – “Has anybody seen my HUL voo-doo doll?”

Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team

Adrian Sutil

“An early end to a race that promised so much for us. Both cars had the same problem with the wheel nuts and it cost us a lot of time in the pits. We’re not sure exactly what happened yet so the team stopped the cars to make sure we understand the issue. It’s a shame that this happened here because we had a very quick car today and I felt very comfortable as the track dried out. We have to stay positive, keep our heads up and remember that there are plenty of races left where we can make up for the disappointment of today.”

SUT – “I knew that shit was too good to be true. ‘Force India’?! Seriously: who named this team? Matt Stone and Trey Parker??”

Paul Di Resta

“It’s frustrating to come away with nothing given how competitive we have looked all weekend. We saw an issue at Adrian’s first pit stop when I was sat behind him, which cost me about 15 seconds, and then I had the same issue with the wheel nut at my second pit stop. As a precaution the team chose to retire the car. The good news is that we have the performance in the car, but this is definitely a missed opportunity because we had the potential to score a lot of points today. We will go away, take this on the chin, and come back fighting in China.”

RES -” I think we’re going to splice the footage of that pit-stop into the commercials of the abused cats and dogs. We’ll add some sad music and try to raise some money for a FUCKING WHEEL THINGY THAT FUCKING WORKS!!!”

Williams F1 Team

Valtteri Bottas

“I had a good start but then I drove off the dry line racing van der Garde and ran wide dropping to the back of the field. Once the track started to dry I was able to start overtaking a few cars and I had a good, clean race. The team did a great job with the strategy and with a few more laps I could have started attacking for a championship point. We maximised what we had today but I trust in the team that we can now continue working together to improve.”

BOT – “Holy shit, I passed some people. . . . . Then they passed me after I passed them. If only the race had been 80 laps! I might’ve passed them again!”

Pastor Maldonado

“The intermediate tyres made the start of the race very difficult as it was very slippery, particularly in the first sector. We had a good strategy to pit earlier in the race and opt for the dry tyres. I made a small mistake on braking into Turn 11 which forced me to run wide and damage the front wing slightly. After a new set of tyres, the pace in the second stint was good, but unfortunately my race ended early after a KERS problem forced us to retire the car. We will now work hard to prepare as best we can for the next two flyaway races.”

MAL – “When I say ‘KERS problem’, I mean ‘I drove off a perfectly good, dry course onto some very fun colored gravel that made my tyres look like happy, black doughnuts.'”

Scuderia Toro Rosso

Jean-Éric Vergne

“It’s good to finish in the points, but it’s a shame that a mistake in the pits cost us so much, as I could have done something better. So, overall I feel rather frustrated. But I’ll take the point gladly. After these first two races, we now have a short break before we go racing again and we must use that time to take a close look at how we performed and where we can do better, because there is certainly a lot of room for improvement, as both these two races have been missed opportunities. On the positive side, again today, once we got over our problems I had a good race pace and managed to make up a lot of places.”

VER – “Point! I got a point!”

Daniel Ricciardo

“I compromised my race even before the start when the conditions were very slippery, aquaplaning off at Turn 3. I managed to keep going, but I went across the gravel quite fast and damaged the floor. That probably played a part in my problem at the end. I got a reasonable start and made up a few places and was pretty pleased with the first couple of laps. But I did not have the pace to keep the Lotuses behind me and stay in the top ten, even though the switch to dry tyres was well timed. Like I said, I think the damage on that opening lap affected my overall performance all race long.”

RIC – “I was disappointed. There was not enough rain for poached clag, nor was there enough heat for roasted clag! I can eat raw clag every race! I came to Malaysia for, at least, some roasted clag. So, a disappointment.”

Caterham F1 Team

Charles Pic

“Off the line I had a great start and was up with Giedo for the first few laps while the track was wet enough for the inters. The team called me in to change onto the medium tyres for the first stint in the dry but as I was coming in to the box I saw Vergne being released right in front of me and I couldn’t avoid him as I was turning in and there was nothing I could do to avoid their mistake. The guys did a brilliant job to change the nose and the tyres and I was out again after losing about 25 seconds – that’s the sort of thing the pitcrew train for and it paid off in that first stop. It’s such a shame that incident happened as we could definitely have finished better if it hadn’t happened. It may have cost us a place and while that’s frustrating it’s also positive to see how well everyone reacted and to see that we didn’t stop pushing, on the pitwall or in the garage. We stopped another three times after that, going onto the hard compounds for two stints and the mediums for the last thirteen laps and the car felt pretty good throughout the whole race. I was able to push right to the flag and without the pitlane issue I’m sure the final result would look different.”

PIC – “If only for that one pit stop, I may not have been lapped by that Red Bull couple in the midst of some sort of domestic.”

Giedo van der Garde

“I had a really good start, really strong and the car felt great on the inters for the first stint. Just when he conditions were going from wet to dry I heard over the radio that I had a front left puncture but it was exactly at the time we were coming in to switch to the dry tyres so it only cost me a little bit of time. I came back out on the mediums and was running well in 17th with really good balance. From there the race was ok. The rain that had been forecast didn’t come so we didn’t have another chance to show what we can do on the inters and that’s a shame as I’m definitely quick on those tyres, but the car felt much better on both the medium and the hard compounds we put on in the second and third stops than it had yesterday. I didn’t have the same oversteer problems I had in FP3 or qualifying but we still have work to do to reduce oversteer on entry into the corners and we’ll look at that again in China. We’re also going to work on improving our setup options for qualifying, maximising every run in the practice sessions to help us get the most out of the car on Saturday afternoons and that will definitely help us put in a stronger showing in quali. I also want to say what a good job the boys did in the stops. It was pretty tight with Chilton each time but I stayed ahead of him after good work on the pitwall and really strong work from the pitcrew. When we finished I thanked them on the radio, and after the race Tony Fernandes told the whole team how proud he was of the work he’d seen today in the stops. He’s right – the boys are pushing hard and it’s good to see the efforts we’re making in the car are the same across the whole team.”

GAR – “So glad to be here!”

Marussia F1 Team

Jules Bianchi

“Obviously I’m delighted to finish 13th today, after 15th in my first race last weekend. I hope this is a trend we can continue! It was not an easy day though as we made life more difficult with a not so good start and opening lap and this really hurt the first part of my race. The lap time was really coming towards the end of the first stint but I was stuck behind the Caterham and unable to do much with it. After 18 laps or so I was able to get back into position and from then on I was very happy with my progress. It was nice to have held off Maldonado and to maintain the gap for so long. This shows we have the car to fight with them in the future. There are some things to learn from and improve after today and the weekend generally, but we have also made more progress already since Melbourne and we need to keep pushing. My thanks to the Team for a lot of hard work and more to come between now and China.”

BIA – “So glad to be here!”

Max Chilton

“I’m slightly disappointed with today because it seemed so many things were against us. First, the start didn’t work well and I lost a lot of time on the opening lap. That setback and being stuck behind the Caterhams really defined my race, which is tough to take because you know instinctively that the blue flag period is going to come much sooner in the race. The car performance is there and so is my pace, but there’s some work to do to bring all of that together and maximise every part of the race, including how we manage the blue flag phase. I’m sure that focus will ensure we can come back stronger in China. A good job by the Team this weekend as it has not been an easy time.”

CHI – “Guys! There are a lot of rules and shit up in this bitch! Flags and colors and crazy shit, it all happens so fast and you have to know what the colors mean! I’m, like, ‘Augh! What color was that? Was it blue? Did I win? So confusing!'” Really, though, I’m just practicing my ‘Hey, we-came-in-fourth, but, um ‘Meh?’ tone for the day I come in fourth. Otherwise, HOLY SHIT! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!!”