Pirelli, Translated

Say, there, Giuseppe, do you have more of that Essence of Soiled Diaper? I just ran this tyre though the How-Many-F1-Drivers-Will-Bitch-About-The-Tyres-?-Ometer. It went past “Makes Massa Cry”, but didn’t quite hit “Makes Hamilton Buy a Case of Haribo and Cry-Eat the Whole Thing.”

Danke to F1Zone for the link.

Pirelli has resisted pressure to radically alter their tyre compounds, although a tweaked hard tyre will be introduced at next month’s Spanish Grand Prix.

Pirelli had been under pressure, particularly champions Red Bull, to move away from the early season races defined by aggressive compounds.

“After evaluating tyre performance over the balance of the first four races, we took the decision – in consultation with all of the teams – to change the hard compound from Spain onwards, as we did in Barcelona two years ago when we also introduced a new hard tyre for the rest of the season,” said Pirelli motorsport director Paul Hembrey.”

“This latest version of the hard compound is much closer to the 2012 tyre, with the aim of giving the teams more opportunity to run a wider range of strategies in combination with the other compounds, which remain unchanged.”

The company has also nominated which tyres will be used at the next three races.

Pirelli’s hardest compounds – the medium and hard – will be used in Spain to cope with the high energy demands of the Circuit de Catalunya.

The two softest compounds – the supersoft and soft – will be used around the tight and twisty corners of Monaco, as has been the case since 2011.

For the Canadian Grand Prix, Pirelli will bring the supersoft and medium tyres.

Pirelli – “Fine, RBR, FINE! We won’t change the whole caboodle just because you guys walk onto the paddock, see the ‘Pirelli’ logo and drop to the floor screaming like a five year-old who discovers that the iPad didn’t get charged last night; we’ll tweak one fucking tyre. And by ‘tweak’, we mean ‘we won’t do shit, but we’ll tell you we did shit’ and YOU’LL STILL WIN EVERY FUCKING RACE! Or, heh, at least, one of your drivers will win. One of them wins on these crappy, crappy tyres; the other, you have a little problem with gassing his car up. Seriously, how can you complain about the tyres when you can barely keep one on the track and, of the drivers, you keep exactly zero of them happy?

Gah! Stop projecting!!!!!!”

Pirelli, Translated

Pirelli technicians, seen here, use magic to add the essence of soiled diapers to each tyre. This special elixir is formulated to make all teams, less Lotus, CRY LIKE LITTLE WHINY ASS TITTY BABIES.


Thanks to F1 Junkie for the link!

Apr.17 (GMM) Paul Hembery has rubbished suggestions Lotus and Ferrari are getting an unfair advantage in 2013.

One theory doing the rounds is that Lotus’ E21 is kind to the otherwise heavily-degrading tyres this year because Pirelli’s test car is the 2010-spec R30 — which was designed by Enstone based Lotus’ former incarnation, Renault.

“We have certainly done everything to avoid any team getting any advantage from our test data,” Pirelli’s Paul Hembery is quoted by German magazine Sport Bild.

He confirmed reports that rival teams rejected a proposal to share the burden of providing Pirelli with a test car.

“We even proposed that they alternate with each other to test our tyres, but none of our proposals proved popular,” said Briton Hembery.

“So they can’t start complaining now.”

Hembery also rejected a wild theory that Ferrari obtained an advantage through the shared nationality of its lead driver, Fernando Alonso, and main Pirelli tester Jaime Alguersuari.

He smiled: “Someone told me actually that Jaime and Fernando don’t even talk.

“Anyway, how could a comment be converted into a design?” he wondered. “That’s hard to accomplish.

“And even if you could get something from it, it would be pretty minimal.”

PIrelli – Oh. My. GOD. You little BITCHES. Shut. The. Fuck. UP. McLaren! Shut up! Your car sucks! Perez is not panning out. It’s not the tyres! Red Bull! Shutthefuckup! Your drivers hate each other! You can’t get enough gas in your car, um, TWICE in two years. The tyres are the problem?! Let me see.. . . I think I have a mirror around here. . . Here we go: C’mere. Look in this mirror. See that? THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM!! Hammy! You, you. . . Oh, just shut up. Oh, yes, the secret is that Pirelli is an Italian company and ‘Nando is kicking ass, so there must be a conspiracy. Guess what I heard the other day? The fucking company that makes all the asphalt for all the racetracks is FINNISH!!!!!! They send the asphalt formula to Kimi via fucking ice dragon.

SHUT UP!!!!!!!

In Case Anyone Doubts the Accuracy of the Translations

Can you believe they give me all the awesome toys and give none to Roman and then I just smash the toys and I STILL WIN?!!

Thanks to F1Zone for confirmation!

Lotus driver Kimi Raikkonen says he cannot understand why people are complaining about Pirelli’s tyres.

Several drivers, most vocally Mark Webber, have complained that Formula 1 has become too tyre centric during the early part of 2013.

But Raikkonen, who won in Australia, believes that using the tyres correctly is simply part of racing.

“I think you can push on these tyres, but it’s never perfect. You cannot always push 100%. I think they are very good in qualifying and have good grip, so it’s up to you and you have to look after them a bit more in the race,” he said.

“It’s not really any different from last year – at least for us anyway – so I don’t really understand why people are complaining.”

Team principal Eric Boullier believes it is up to the teams to understand the tyres.

“As a sport we asked our tyre supplier, Pirelli, to provide us with tyres which encourage different strategies and adapting to this is part of the competition,” he said.

“We’ve seen some great racing so far this year and Pirelli can take some of the credit for this. We are all allocated the same tyres so it’s up to us as teams and the drivers in the cars to make the most of them.”

As if any translation were required!

Tyres, Translated

Motor Racing - Formula One World Championship - Malaysian Grand Prix - Preparations - Sepang, Malaysia

Hey, assholes! Tyres have feelings, too, you know? We are, um, literally, rubber, yo! So, like, whatever you say about us bounces off us and sticks to you. Clag! You’re wearing emotional clag!

Thanks, James Allen!

Notice who is not quoted in this article? I have fallen in love with this sport partly because the degree to which these cats shun responsibility and refuse to accept the fucking fact that, yeah, right now, this is F1The fact that the tyres go off will not change the fact that your strategy was flawed/your car sucks/you didn’t put enough fuel in the car/god hates you/your pit crew sucks/HUL or PER or SUT or VER or CHI or PIC was in front of you and slowed you down. . . THIS IS FUCKING F1 RIGHT NOW.

So, take a lesson from the P2 ice-dragon: The tyres are nothing. They are a joke you use on the podium. You can win with a smashed nose and a smashed front fin. Drive the shit out of what you have, be glad you aren’t PIC or VER or GUT or, shit, for that matter, be glad you aren’t WEB or BUT.

Fucking race.

Pirelli, Translated

Grazie to Formula 1 Blog for the link.

These tyres are great! GREAT FOR US TO POOP ON! We are. We’re pooping on your tyres. Really, though, pooping on your tyres is the only thing we do together anymore.

Pirelli says they are not interested in reviewing their tire compounds until at least the Bahrain Grand Prix so we’d better get used to the idea of the high degradation compounds being the focal point of derision for teams like Red Bull and possibly others.

Red Bull has been the most vocal about the manner in which the tires are impacting their performance so far this  year but Pirelli motor sport boss, Paul Hembery, says that they see no reason to accomodate just one team:

“If the whole paddock is saying something then that is a bit different,” he said.

“You have to do something and make a change and do something different, but if it is isolated and you work out why their concerns are coming forth, because it is not what they say on the surface it is something deeper than that, and you try and work it out.

“We think we know what it was and what it is, but if you go away and do things for one team you will have the whole paddock in uproar.”

No doubt you can’t favor one team but I doubt Recd Bull are the only team concerned about the tire performance so far. McLaren’s Sergio Perez was also critical of the tires as well. The issue could be in a majority versus minority opinion to prompt Pirelli to re-examine their rubber. The fact is, the Malaysian Gr4and PRix may have been more impacted by driver battles than tires according to Hembery:

“I think we have to be happy,” he said. “The two leading teams clearly had issues between the drivers, that maybe took away from what would have been an interesting finale.

“As for wheel to wheel stuff… it is something we will have to review after four races. It is still very early days.”

That seems a bit of a convenient scape goat if you consider the teams were driving and holding station due to tire degradation and rubber preservation… a catch 22 no doubt. Not to be confused with a Multi 21 though.

Pirelli Translated – “We are thoroughly relishing being the non-existent scapegoat for RBR’s soap opera. The more they bitch about the tyres, the more obvious it becomes that it’s not about the tyres. Gentlemen, you know that drunk neighbor you have? The one that beats his dog because his wife his cheating on him? Hello! You guys are winning. Leave the dog alone. Here’s a tip, RBR: If you guys don’t like the tyres but you continue to go Multi-21 in spite of the tyres and your inter-team emotional dysfunction, NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO BITCH ABOUT THE TYRES! So, um, shut up about the tyres.

Until the tyres turn into big puddles of liquified rubber the moment they hit the track, I doubt anyone else is going to say anything just to drive you crazy.

Good luck at therapy today, guys!”