Am I pissed about that stupid, fake Mexican flag? Not really. Why not? ‘Cause the team gave me some hilarious, counterfeit Homer Simpson and Bart Simpson t-shirts they got at the same store. Good-bye presents, I guess.

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st
“It’s the day after, normally on the Monday, when you feel what you have achieved. It’s a great feeling, you have a grin on your face and it’s nice. On Sunday things happen fast and you don’t always realise what has been achieved until later. It’s down to team effort today. Everyone is willing to push; this morning the guys were working hard as we had some concerns about reliability on the car, so they were flat out trying to fix the problem and the car ran okay all race, so a big thanks to them. I’m not sure what we have done since the summer break in order that we have been winning races, but whatever it was it has worked. When you are a sports man, not every day is supposed to be a good day and you have ups and downs. Certainly you feel the points when you are low, they hurt more than when you are on a high, of course you enjoy those times, but I kept saying that there’s no guarantee for the next race or the one after that or after that! You never know what is coming next, so you have to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.”

VET – “You can take the VET-Bot 2000 out of Germany but you can’t take the ‘German’ out of the VET-Bot 2000.”

Mark Webber, 3rd
“The initial launch and my getaway was pretty good. Romain had a good start too, I wanted to get on the right for the breaking point at the first corner, but that’s what everyone did too. I got boxed in and didn’t get a good exit off the corner, but after that it was a strong race. Our pace was good, but you have to manage the tyres well here. Qualifying was where a lot of the race was decided. In the end I did what we could, but I think we left some on the table yesterday. I have some family and friends here this weekend, so it’s good to get a strong result. It would have been better to have had a win, but Seb did a good job here this weekend.”

WEB – “I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, I should be happy the fucking car didn’t catch on fire.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 2nd
“That was a really tough race. I had to have probably one of my best ever drives to keep Mark [Webber] behind and it’s a great feeling to have tamed at least one of the Bulls in Texas as they clearly had the fastest package today. We knew a good start would be the key, so making up one place in the first corner was really important and the car was just fantastic from there onwards. The whole team here and at Enstone are doing an amazing job. Every day I see them working hard together to keep us at the front and when you look at the gap to the next nearest challenger, it’s clear that we’re the second best team after Red Bull right now. I think this place must bring me luck; this time last year I found out my wife was pregnant and now I’ve equalled my best finish in Formula One, so I can’t wait to come back again and see what happens next year!”

GRO – “Nothing like starting a race behind Webbo to give a guy a confidence boost! As long as I can always make P3 or so in quali and then wait for Mark to bogart the start, I’ll be set for next seas. . . .Huh? What’s that? Mark’s retiring after this season?! Fuck.”

Heikki Kovalainen, 14th
“My start wasn’t great but then it was going okay until the first pit stop as I was racing with the pack with the car feeling quite good. After the pit stop I started to have a few problems, but it was difficult to know exactly what was going on. We had issues with downforce so we changed the front wing and after that it was much better, although still not as good as it’s felt previously this weekend. There was a KERS issue too, though not enough to account for my lack of race pace. We’ll have a good look at the data and hopefully be on top of things far better for the race in Brazil.”

KOV – “There I was, just a small town boy, born and raised in south Detroit. I took the midnight train going annnnnnyyyywheerrrre! Driver in a smokey room, smell of wine and cheap perfume, I took the midnight train going annnnnnyywhhhereeee! I just want to thank Nico ‘The Hulk’ Hulkenberg, Michael ‘The Maestro’ Schumacher, Pastor ‘The Little Bitch’ Maldonado, Davide ‘The Fuck?!’ Valsecchi, my postman and that guy who just happened to be walking by the Lotus garage. . . I need to thank them all for turning down the chance to drive for Lotus these last two races. I’m going to take the E21 through the drive thru of the McDonald’s I worked at this last year just as a nice ‘Fuck you!’ to my manager, Gary, who’s been up my ass since I started there. No, Gary, I can’t do anything about my accent!!!”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 4th
“That felt good out there this afternoon and I’m really happy with fourth place. It was so nice to have a race where I could fight for position and make progress. The car felt much better today than recently so the change in chassis has definitely made a difference and a big thanks to my guys in the garage for their efforts there. I had a great start today and that was crucial to my race. We had to give up third place to Mark fairly easily to make sure our tyre management and strategy worked as it was more important for the team to finish ahead of Ferrari. There was no way I was letting Fernando past at the end; I was ready for him to make his move and had a couple of tenths ready to pull out if he did! We’ve had a few difficult races on my side of the garage and I’m so proud of the team for all the hard work they have put in. We’re all determined to maintain our second place at the final race in Brazil next weekend.”

HAM – “Seriously, I’ve got more personalities than Sybil. It’s just too bad that the majority of them are variations of the same asshole.”

Nico Rosberg, 9th
“I didn’t have a great weekend here in Austin unfortunately. It really started yesterday in qualifying where I struggled with getting temperature into the tyres and starting from 12th place makes your race really difficult, especially in a one stop race. I made some nice overtaking moves but we weren’t able to do much with the strategy today because of the single stop so it’s disappointing to only have finished ninth as our car was quicker than that today. Overall though, as a team we managed to increase the gap to Ferrari and that’s a good result. After such a tough weekend, I’d love to be back in the car in Brazil tomorrow and not wait another seven days! We’ll be pushing really hard there to end the season on a high.”

ROS – “Well, you can’t come in ahead of Hammy every weekend, I guess. I miss you, penis angels! 

Ross Brawn, Mercedes team principal
“That was a pretty good race this afternoon with the car we had today. It was very definitely a managed race rather than one where the drivers could push flat out. Lewis made a fantastic start but it then became clear that trying to hold Webber behind would not help us in our quest to run a one stop strategy, which was essential. The car was not bad and both drivers had a pretty good balance, given the extreme difference in conditions to yesterday. Both Lewis and Nico did a perfect job managing the tyres in the race and their sets of primes were close to the end of their life when they crossed the line, which is exactly as it should be. They put in very, very controlled drives today which allowed us to consolidate our second position in the Constructors’ Championship. Now it’s time to head for Sao Paulo to finish the job.”

Brawn – “Not too much longer and I will no longer have to tolerate whichever of Hammy’s asshole personalities shows up. Nor will have have to listen to him blather on about Roscoe and the other one. I might have to borrow Nico’s penis angels just to celebrate after Brazil.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 5th
“Finishing in the top five today is a very positive result when you consider how difficult this weekend has been and the fact I had to start from the dirty side of the track. We were well aware it would be very difficult to maintain position and in fact I lost it to Perez. In the first part of the race, we weren’t quick and we decided to save the tyres and then attack round the pit stop. We were more competitive on the hards, we passed Perez and set off to get Hulkenberg, but even if our situation compared to Mercedes has improved, we were unable to beat them. I am very proud of this second place in the drivers’ Championship, it’s a small reward for me, the same as being first of the “mortals” behind Red Bull. My back is okay, as I did a good warm-up before the race and it didn’t bother me. I feel more tired from all the tension of the race, but now I have three days to rest and arrive in Brazil feeling a hundred percent. We really must improve there, because our goal is still to finish second in the constructor’s championship”

ALO – “Let’s just think about the fact that I ran this race with a bad back, a g-force induced concussion, in a 2013 Ferrari, and a bad case of blue balls since they were all, ”Nando! No sexy time with Sasha! Save your for back for COTA!’. Think about that! Then, I finally get close to Hammy. I nearly have him and I start slipping all over the track. It wasn’t clag, it wasn’t the tires. It was Hammy spilling his prescription for his Schizophrenia all over the track. The fucking dumbass was trying to pop that shit though visor.”

Felipe Massa, 12th
“It’s been a really difficult weekend and I was struggling right from Friday, unable to get the tyres up to temperature or to run at a good pace. At the start, I didn’t make up any places and then for all the race I was stuck in traffic, on a track where overtaking is not that easy. We knew that making a second stop was not the best choice, but I already found myself in a difficult situation and so we decided to risk stopping for a set of medium tyres: if anything had happened ahead of us, maybe a safety car, we might have profited from the situation. Unfortunately, nothing happened and the tyre wear of those ahead of me was very low, so I was behind them ending up in the same position from which I started. It’s a real shame because we could have done better. Now we must keep concentrated for the final round of the season in Brazil, my final race with Ferrari on my home track: it’s bound to be a very emotional weekend because of that. I hope I can be more competitive there and even if our rivals are very quick, we will do our best right to the very end.”

MAS – “I’m running out of ways to talk around the word ‘ignominy’. At least things won’t be so fucked up at Williams. . . .Wait. . . I’m driving for Williams next season?! Fuck.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 6th
“It was a very solid result yet again. If I’m not mistaken, since Monza that would have been the eighth points finish in a row if it wasn’t for the brake disc failure in India and the drive through in Abu Dhabi. That’s a pretty impressive statistic. It was an interesting race. I didn’t have to fight that much, only at the end with Fernando (Alonso), which was good fun. Unfortunately in the crucial part of the race, about 10 to 15 laps before the end, we didn’t quite have the pace of Fernando, so he was able to overtake me. During the last lap going into turn one I passed him, but then I just missed the apex and he was able to get me back at the exit. But we finished just a couple of seconds behind our competitors. I think it’s been a good weekend with a gain of a good eight points.”

HUL – “Hello! Hellllllooooo! Solid results! impressive statistics! Good gains! I didn’t even have to fight that much! I make this shit look easy! WHY ARE YOU ALL NOT LINING UP TO SIGN MY HOT, FAST ASS???!!!”

Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“It was a very tough race starting from P20. We had to make up a lot of positions on track. I managed a good first lap. I made up a couple of positions and then, once the safety car was deployed, we decided to pit in order to put me on a different strategy to the other cars. We need to analyse the situation now and see how much we gained from that. I think all in all the problem came from the ten place grid penalty, which made it complicated at the end.”

GUT – “Seriously, can someone please sign HUL?! I am so fucking sick of him asking if the pants he’s wearing make his ass look big!”

McLaren
Sergio Perez, 7th
“To be honest, I was expecting to achieve a little bit more than seventh today. On the opening lap, I managed to push past Fernando [Alonso], and the car initially felt pretty strong. After that, however, between about lap 10 and lap 15, the tyre degradation started to kick in, and we struggled relative to the others around us. They seemed to be coping with the degradation a little bit better than we were. But, more importantly, I want to say a big ‘thank you’ to all my Mexican and American fans for the support they’ve shown me all weekend. They came here to watch me perform, and, while I would love with all my heart to have given them a better result than seventh, it was still amazing to have their support throughout what has been a difficult but very special weekend.”

PER – “I don’t know if there are any words to describe the conflicted emotions I have this weekend. Sure, I’m pissed about being fired. On the other hand, thank god I’m getting the hell out this fuck-show. Ya la cargaron, you fucking McLaren fuckwads. Good luck with your fucking pontoon boat. You should’ve taken me up on that offer to bring in the Estrella de Oro bus. At least that thing had a TV and a VCR for watching old Luche Libre tapes. Your F1 car ain’t got mierda on that.”

Jenson Button, 10th
“Even though I was only battling for a single world championship point, I still wanted to do the best job I could this afternoon. As in all the past few races, I made contact with another car on the first lap – and that contact broke my left-hand front-wing endplate. It wasn’t quite as bad as in Abu Dhabi, but it still left me with quite a lot of understeer. We considered changing the nose-box at the pit stop, but, instead, the mechanics added some extra front wing, and that helped to re-balance the car. It still wasn’t ideal, because losing downforce at the front doesn’t affect only the front-end, it affects air-flow across the whole car as well. Still, I enjoyed the race. The first 30 laps, during which I was stuck behind Felipe [Massa], were particularly tough, but I was able to make some good moves at the end, and that made our day a bit more interesting. Now, I’m hoping for a trouble-free, exciting and prosperous final Grand Prix of the season in Brazil next weekend.”

BUT – “I wish I was leaving, like Checo, and also not British so I could be impolite, too.”

Martin Whitmarsh, McLaren team principal
“Both Checo and Jenson drove very well in trying circumstances here this afternoon, hampered in their efforts to make significant forward progress by a pit stop strategy that didn’t quite work out for either of them and a circuit whose layout always makes overtaking extremely difficult. We opted to put both our drivers on early one stop strategies, in an attempt to allow them to ‘under-cut’ their nearest rivals, but, as I say, as things turned out we failed to gain any advantage by doing that. That being the case, Checo drove a solid and controlled race to come home seventh, which was in fact the position from which he’d started the race, further underlining how difficult it was to overtake here today. Jenson started from P15, owing to a troubled qualifying yesterday, but thereafter drove an excellent race, skillfully nursing a car whose left hand front wing endplate had been significantly damaged in a lap one contact with another car. Despite the understeer handicap that that damage had caused, however, Jenson was able to record some impressive lap times – and, driving with measured aggression all the while, climbed the leader board to 10th place at the finish, expertly controlling his tyre wear, and taking a very hard-earned world championship point by pulling off a slick yet spectacular passing manoeuvre on Daniel [Ricciardo] on the race’s penultimate lap. That move marked a fitting end to a frustrating weekend for Jenson, but I hope he’ll take some comfort from the knowledge that today he equalled our old friend David’s [Coulthard] all-time record of 246 Grand Prix starts by a British driver. He’ll establish a new benchmark of 247 Grand Prix starts by a British driver next weekend in Brazil. Talking of Brazil, which will be the final Grand Prix of a gruelling 19 race schedule, we’ll now make our way to Sao Paulo as determined as ever to do our utmost to score as many world championship points as we possibly can and thereby consolidate our fifth place position in the constructors’ world championship. No, finishing fifth isn’t what McLaren is all about, but I want to say a big ‘thank you’ to our mechanics in particular, who have worked very hard and extremely diligently to ensure that our reliability has been first-rate this season even though our relative competitiveness hasn’t. Last but not least, once again I want to pay tribute to the Circuit of The Americas, and all who sail in her. Undoubtedly, Formula One has now found its spiritual home in the United States, and I think I speak for all at McLaren when I say that we love visiting Austin Texas and are already looking forward to coming back again next year, where we’ll be aiming to compete closer to the front of the field than we did here today.”

Whitmarsh – “I’m just going to keep talking in the hopes that I can talk long enough that everyone forgets about this weekend and this season.”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 8th
“I’m very happy to get my first points in Formula One today. The whole weekend has been good from setting up the car in practice through to the strategy and pitstops in the race. We managed the tyres well today and I had good feedback from my engineers on them throughout. We did have a bit of pressure from Rosberg at the end but I was able to keep pushing and hold the position. I want to say a big thanks to everyone in the team and at the factory as they have all been working so hard and really deserve this result.”

BOT – “So, I got some points and Pastor is leaving so pretty much this is the greatest weekend of, not only my life, but of anyone’s life that ever been lived by anyone ever.”

Pastor Maldonado, 17th
“It was a difficult race for me as the incident with Sutil compromised the strategy. We did manage to get 40 laps out of the prime tyres which was pleasing on a track like this. Overall, we had a difficult weekend and I’m looking forward to a better race in Brazil.”

MAL – “I blame the Stonecutters, the Masons, the members of Skull & Bones, Lee Harvey Oswald, and the aliens who built the Pyramids at Giza. . . .oh, and my team, for everything bad that’s happened to me, ever. THANKS FOR NOTHING, ASSHOLES!”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 11th
“It was a tough end to the day, really tough. It looked as though we were going to hang on to the flag to get the point for tenth place, but then in the last five laps, I lost pretty much all the grip I had and I saw the guys closing in on me. I tried to hold them off but I didn’t have enough left in the tyres to do it. It’s frustrating to get that close but I put up the best fight I could and there was nothing more I could have done today. It was very difficult to overtake in the early stages when the cars were full of fuel and it wasn’t easy to stay with the car in front through the fast corners, so we had to be patient.”

RIC – “I kinda can’t wait ’til this season is over and I can be the new Mark We. . .. . . Oh, god! WHAT HAVE I DONE??!!”

Jean-Eric Vergne, 16th
“The final result was nothing special, but I feel I had a good race. We had planned a two stop, but switched to a single tyre change and for the second part of the race, I was told I had to manage my Options carefully, but I was given the go ahead to push again with 15 laps to go and at that point my race pace was quite good. So I feel we did a good job with the car we had. On the last lap, I tried to pass my team-mate at Turn 1, and it didn’t work and we ran wide, but I think he had used a bit of KERS on the straight so I couldn’t pass him. I used all my KERS on the next straight to try and outbrake him but then Gutierrez clipped my rear wheel at Turn 12 and he tried to pass me and we touched.”

VER – “Blergh.”

Force India
Paul di Resta, 15th
“I made a good start and was in reasonable shape for the first stint. But it soon became clear that we were struggling for pace and not really in the zone with the tyres. We were pushing to do a one stop race, but the tyre wear was a bit higher than expected and I ran out of tyre performance with nine laps to go. It was hard to defend my position so I had to make a second pit stop. It’s a shame because we were quite optimistic before the race and we thought the warmer weather might play into our hands. So it’s a bit disappointing, but we will pick ourselves up and look to end the season with a better result in Brazil next weekend.”

RES – “Double blergh.”

Adrian Sutil, DNF

“It feels like I ran out of luck this weekend. Up until Saturday morning I was looking competitive and was happy with the car, but all of that promise disappeared with the problems we had in qualifying. In the race I made a good start, gained a few positions and was racing ahead of Maldonado on the back straight. For some reason he hit my left rear wheel and I immediately lost control of the car and crashed into the barriers. I don’t really understand why he was so close to me because the track is so wide there. I stayed on my line and there was a lot of space to the right and the left. So it was an early finish and a very disappointing day.”

SUT – “Well, at least I’m not Paul.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 18th
“It’s fair to say that today was the toughest race of the season for me. With just the one pit stop, switching from the medium to the hard tyre, it was a really long race with so much of my focus being given to looking after the tyres. Anyway, the start was good – enough to put me ahead of Van der Garde – and then I’m really happy with the race I drove as we were easily able to keep both Caterhams behind. I have to say a big thanks to the whole team as there has been a great deal of work not only to help us resolve the problems of the weekend, but also to bring new parts to the car and make them work to good effect at this late stage of the season. A really good race for us today and we go into the final race in Brazil next week able to feel more confident.”

BIA – “Just glad to not be at McLaren!”

Max Chilton, 21st
“Heading into this race with the drive through penalty to serve, I was always aware that this would be a tough and lonely race for me. I lost 15 seconds in the pit lane and the reality is that you are simply going to hit the blue flag phase much earlier and pay a hefty price for that in the second half of the race. I’m pleased with the job I did to try to play catch-up and I think my fastest lap reflects that. Unfortunately the other factors defined my race. On the bright side, I’ve finished yet another race – my 18th out of 18 – and the car is performing well versus the Caterhams, so we’ll throw everything we have at the final race next weekend.”

CHI – “THAT WEEKEND WAS NOT THE MOST AWESOME, BUT IT WAS STILL PRETTY AWESOME! ALSO, NOT MCLAREN! WOO-HOOOO!”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 19th
“I didn’t have a good start and was behind Bianchi at the end of the first lap. From there it wasn’t possible to pass him as, even though I had a quicker car round the whole lap, his straight line speed was better than mine and every time I got close my front tyres started graining because the car was understeering a lot so I couldn’t make a move past him stick. Sometimes it’s like this, there’s not much you can do when you’re so evenly matched. Despite how today went, overall it’s been a good week in Austin. The track is good and the atmosphere in Austin and at the circuit is amazing, but obviously for us we need a bit of a crazy race to be in with a chance of reclaiming tenth in the Championship, so now it goes down to the wire in Brazil. We’re ready, we just need to see what happens.”

GAR- “It’s all Bianchi’s fault.”

Charles Pic, 20th
“Off the line I passed Chilton and was right behind Giedo and Bianchi at the end of the first lap. However, the car balance today was the same as it’s been all weekend, just not quite there, which meant I couldn’t push at all. I was keeping up with my team mate for the whole race, up to the drive-through in the last couple of laps, but we just didn’t have the pace today to put in the normal sort of race performance we’ve seen for most of the season. We have the chance to bounce straight back in Brazil, and we’ll work hard over the next few days to understand what we need to do to find a set-up that allows us to get the most out of the package. I had my highest finish of the season in Brazil last year so we’ll aim to sort out the setup issue and be there to take advantage of anything that comes our way.”

PIC – “Love these clag tacos in Texas!”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director
“The variation in temperature we saw over the course of the weekend was quite remarkable, meaning that the drivers encountered different track conditions in every session. With such a wide spread of asphalt temperatures, you would ideally need more than just the two compounds stipulated in the regulations, but these were highly unusual circumstances and that was obviously not an option! As a result, the teams did not really have a proper read on the wear and degradation rates heading into the race. Nonetheless, most drivers chose a one stop strategy as we expected, helped by the safety car period at the beginning of the Grand Prix, which then led to a race with less strategy and fewer variables than we have been accustomed to recently.”

Hembery – “No, really, you all can go fuck yourselves.”