2014 Spanish Grand Prix GIF Recap

1. Lewis Hamilton

2. Nico Rosberg

3. Daniel Ricciardo

4. Sebastian Vettel

5. Valtteri Bottas

6. Fernando Alonso

7. Kimi Raikkonen

The emotional state Kimi allows the world to see:

Kimi’s true, interior emotional state:

8. Romain Grosjean

9. Sergio Perez

10. Nico Hulkenberg

11. Jenson Button

Reaction GIF: are you kidding me?, NeNe Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta

12. Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: what?, no, Hermione Granger, Emma Watson, Harry Potter
13. Felipe Massa
14. Daniil Kyvat
Reaction GIF: sad

 

15. Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: Chris Farley, Tommy Boy

 

16. Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: disappointed, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

 

17. Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: nope, disappointed, Lamorne Morris, New Girl
18. Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: disappointed, Rick Moranis
19. Max Chilton
20. Marcus Ericsson
DNF. Jean-Eric Vergne
DNF. Kamui Kobayashi
Maudit animated GIF

 

 

 

 

Chinese Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

No, Kimi, I don't know where your Enzo-Grappa went.

No, Kimi, I don’t know where your Enzo-Grappa went.

Toro Rosso
Daniil Kvyat, 10th

“It felt great today and I’m very happy with my performance. I had a good start and I managed to make up some positions during the first lap. Our pace was very strong today and I enjoyed the fight with Jenson pretty much throughout the race. We did a good job with the tyre management, so we were able to stay out longer. Even though it all went very well today, I think there’s still a lot more to come from the car, so I’m really looking forward to starting the European part of the season, where I hope to get some more points.”

KVY – ” You guys remember cute, little Anakin from ‘The Phantom Menace’? Y’all had better check my blood for midi-chlorians. I’ll just be back here, whacking out 10th and 9th places, biding my time until Lord Palpati. . . . Seb! I mean, Seb, retires.”

Jean-Eric Vergne, 12th
“First of all, congratulations to Daniil for his good race and another point for him and the team. As for my race, I had a bad start and a bad first lap. We need to understand what happened exactly to improve this aspect. After that, I could not make the best out of the option tyres because I was stuck behind Button, so it was not possible to build a gap and pull away. It was definitely a tough race but we should not have to forget some positive aspects: we had a really good qualifying yesterday, the general pace was not bad and we know exactly the direction to take in order to improve. This is the reason why I’m convinced that we can be stronger in a few weeks’ time in Barcelona.”

JEV – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be in my computer room, updating my resume. I’m going to have ‘Paths of Glory’ on the TV, volume off, and the Leonard Cohen-read audio book of ‘Being and Nothingness’ playing on a sad, old boombox. I’ll be wasted on absinthe and just mashing the keys of the keyboard with my drunken fists but, it’ll be an update!”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, DNF

“We started by losing fourth gear but it got worse and essentially we lost all gears. It’s the first time we’ve had a problem like this so we’ll have to understand what happened. It had been quite nice in the race as we’d been fighting for ninth position so we were in the points, which is a good improvement from before. We didn’t make it to the end of the race today but let’s hope we finish in the points in Barcelona.”

GRO – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be passed out on JEV’s couch.”

Pastor Maldonado, 14th
“Today wasn’t my best race ever but we finished. My pace wasn’t fantastic but at least we moved forwards and I pushed as hard as I could. We will look at the data as we seemed to lack pace on the straights which made it difficult to overtake and also difficult to defend. It will be nice to have a race weekend without any problems, and that’s what we are all working for when we head to Europe.”

MAL – “Life really is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes I just stare at the chocolates when I should be watching the road. When I hit things, it’s a really great chance to eat all the chocolates.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 17th

“I had a good fight with Kobayashi throughout the race and I’m very happy to be leaving China having finished ahead of him. This was my first straightforward race of the season so far and it is a big relief I have to say. The start was good and I got ahead of Kamui off the line but he regained position quite quickly. I stuck with him until the second stint when with Maldonado between us I dropped back a little but then I caught up again and we continued to enjoy a good battle. When he stopped for a third time for the option tyre we saw the opportunity to manage my tyres and stay out to get ahead. On new option tyres he was catching quite quickly and I had to work really hard to keep in front and not lose the place. Unfortunately, he caught me with only two corners left but in the end we keep the position, so I’m happy and have a good feeling with which to end the first long haul rounds of the season.”

BIA – “Everything is relative.”

Max Chilton, 19th
“It was a tough race but I’m pleased to have passed and kept Ericsson behind me and, of course, to secure my 23rd consecutive finish. The start went well – I got past a couple of cars actually – and the car felt good in that early stint. On the medium tyre I struggled a bit more with the balance and we changed the strategy, before changing back at the end when we pitted for a third time, basically to ensure that we were not going to be subject to a late charge by Ericsson on fresh rubber. A good race and a nice way to head into the start of the European season.”

CHI – “GUYS! GUYS! 23 STRAIGHT! WOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!! JULES WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME ANYMORE!!!! IT’S OK: HE’S FRENCH! GUYS! THE TYRES! WE HAD TO CHANGE STRATEGY, LIKE, DURING THE RACE!!! IT WAS FUCKING INTENSE!!!!!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!

McLaren
Jenson Button, 11th

“It was pretty difficult out there. It felt a little bit like qualifying yesterday: we just couldn’t get the front tyres working – they just grained. We’ve got a few upgrades for the next grand prix, in Barcelona, but they won’t be enough to close our performance gap to the fastest cars. But the guys are doing their best, and a result like this is disappointing for everyone, especially for the mechanics and the guys back at the factory, because they’ve all been working so hard.”

BUT – I’m so fucking depressed, I can’t even work up the energy to use the word ‘reckon’. This is fucked. Even fucking Perez flipping me off is ok: at least it makes me feel something, you know? Someone handed me a dictionary after the race and the page with the word ‘resignation’ on it was bookmarked and next to ‘resignation’, there was a GIF of me, doing this interview; inside that GIF, was another GIF of me, doing this interview; inside that GIF was another GIF of me, doin. . . . . OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!” 

Kevin Magnussen, 13th
“It felt like a long race, because there wasn’t much I could do out there. Our car lacks downforce – that’s its main problem. The way it’s set up, and how it feels, has always been positive; it’s just low on grip, that’s all. So, clearly, we need to work as hard as we can to create that missing downforce. I know the guys back in Woking are doing their best, and I have faith that they’ll deliver that downforce before too long.”

MAG – “It did feel long. It felt like fucking forever. Every. Fucking. Lap. Fucking Perez and his sarcastic, pouty-lipped, sad-face laughing at us. Twisting his fists at the sides of his eyes, making the baby crying ‘wah! wah!’ noise and fucking laughing his ass off and driving away in his fucking Force India??!!! Yes: delivering downforce before too long. How long is ‘long’? Fucking eternity. How many more races do we have? 15??!! Fuck.”

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“Our car isn’t competitive enough, we know that, its deficiencies mostly the consequence of insufficient downforce. Furthermore, the Shanghai circuit is front-limited – in other words it punishes lack of front-end grip. That being the case, the fact that we’ve been unable to get sufficient heat into our front tyres in the chilly weather conditions we’ve experienced this weekend has further compromised our performance here. There’s a three-week gap between now and the Spanish Grand Prix, and we’ll work flat-out between now and then in an effort to address our car’s shortcomings. We know what we have to do, and we’ll work night and day to do it.”

Boullier – “I keep having this nightmare where I’m still at Lotus, but it’s not really Lotus, but it’s kind of Lotus.”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 7th

“It was a good race for me despite some hard contact at the start which cost me a few positions. I also had to drive the whole race without telemetry which isn’t the easiest thing to do. We made progress over the whole weekend which is good. It’s great to make steps forward and we are looking to do the same in Spain in a three weeks’ time.”

BOT – “I had no telemetry either, Nico. At least I wasn’t a little bitch about it.”

Felipe Massa, 15th
“I had another great start today and we were fighting at the top. I felt some contact with Fernando but luckily the car wasn’t damaged so I could carry on. There was a mistake at the first pitstop and that effectively lost me the race as I came back out on track in last position. It is a frustrating situation and something we need to work on to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. We have time now to work hard and improve the car for Spain.”

MAS – “You know, if Bernie’s gonna do stupid shit like double points for whatever race, could we do some bonus scoring for FUCKING STARTING LIKE A DUDE’S SHOT FROM A CANNON, please? So, to recap: start like a mo-fo; race like a mo-fo; finish like a mo-fo. All we need to work on, then, is GETTING THE FUCKING TIRES ON THE FUCKING CAR FUCKING CORRECTLY. Jesus fucking CHRIST!”

Rob Smedley, Williams head of vehicle performance
“It’s bittersweet really as the car was quick. We had a good strategy and the team worked well together. It’s a real shame for Felipe and the whole team about the pitstop and it is something that we need to investigate to ensure it doesn’t happen again, as it cost us points today. To have one car in the top ten shows that we have the pace and that gives us continued optimism, so we will take the positives forward to Spain.”

Smedley – “We’ve tried praying. We’ve tried group therapy. We’ve tried sacrificing chickens. We’ve tried sacrificing goats. We’ve tried burning incense. We’ve had Felipe stop masturbating. Nothing fucking works. Dude’s cursed. We might as well hire fucking Webber at this point.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez, 16th

“It was a very complicated race in terms of tyre management. With these kind of temperatures the prime tyres were not really working for us. We had to do a three stop strategy, which ended up as a disadvantage for us. With our current pace we could not have higher expectations in terms of our results. I have total faith in my team, everybody is putting their best efforts into everything. I believe that Barcelona is the place where we can recover, make a step forward and fight for better positions and points.”

GUT – “Yeah, if we had run a two-stop, I coulda come in 15th. At least fucking Pastor stayed away from me. The little ‘message’ I had my cabrones send him must’ve worked. Getting a box full of tamales stuffed with human fingers will do that for a guy.”

Adrian Sutil, DNF
“Unfortunately it was a very short race for me. During the formation lap I already had problems. As it was a quite slow formation lap, I was not able to identify what the problem was. I just realised the engine was not working properly. At the start I had almost no power. Going into the first corner I noticed there was a problem with the engine. I lost a lot of positions during the first lap and fell back to last. I did a few more laps, but then went back to the pits. The team tried to solve the issue, but we could not do it quickly. I had to retire. However, I am still positive and looking forward.”

SUT – “Who’s a guy gotta blow to not DNF around here?! Seriously, point out the cock and I’m on that shit. I seriously have to stop hanging out with, um, myself? Fuck.”

Force India
Nico Hulkenberg, 6th

“Finishing in sixth and bringing both cars home in the points again was a very positive result for the team. It was actually a pretty straightforward race for me after we got in front of Massa: I had to manage my tyres, my pace and avoid mistakes, and it only got tricky at the end when Bottas was getting a bit closer. We have beaten all other customer Mercedes cars, which are our main competition at the moment, but we have also seen some other teams up their game so we will need to keep pushing.”

HUL – “Is it appropriate to keep walking past the Ferrari garage and do a little dance where I stick my ass way out and point at it and sing, ‘You coulda had this assss! Yooouuu coulddaaaa had this asssss. But you don’t! No, no, you dooon’t!’? I do that until Kimi starts whipping vodka bottles at me. It’s awesome.”

Sergio Perez, 9th
“To start from P16 and finish in ninth place is a good recovery after a difficult qualifying session yesterday. I made a good start and after that I just focused on making the two-stop strategy work. I think everybody suffered with tyre graining and I picked up a few flat spots, but we still made it work. It was not easy to overtake today, even the cars on a different strategy, so I think ninth place was the maximum. It means I’ve scored points in three out of four races, but I was hoping for more today after the weekend we had in Bahrain. It’s also clear that all the teams around us are finding pace so we have to keep working hard to be ready for Barcelona.”

PER – “Oh my god, my hands are fucking killing me from flipping off McLaren so much. I think I’m just going to have some gloves made that have the middle finger up all the time ’cause, seriously: all you fuckers can fuck the hell off. Force India is owning all your asses!” 

Red Bull
Daniel Ricciardo, 4th

“I started on the dirty side of the grid and had quite a poor getaway; I was spinning up on the line a bit too long and lost the two places. From then on however, I thought the race was good! With Seb, we were racing and you always want to hold on to your position, but the team radioed and he let me through. I did what I could after each stop and we improved the car; at the end I was doing all I could to catch Alonso and I think we got to within a couple of seconds of him as we went over the line. It’s going well with the team, I feel comfortable here and I did the best I could today. I really want that podium and we’re getting close!”

RIC – “What people don’t know is that I never stop smiling like this. Nev-VER. ‘Sure, Seb!’, I say. And I smile. ‘Right away, Seb!’, I say. And I smile. Now I just smile and kind of glance at Seb and he brings me a coffee. ‘Thanks Seb!’ I smile and he asks me if I want anything else. When he was all ‘Tough luck’ on the radio, I knew he could picture me smiling that smile inside my helmet. 30 seconds later, he pulls over to let me by. Nobody saw this, but he also stopped and brewed me some coffee. I like smiling.”

Sebastian Vettel, 5th (Fixed that typo for you, formula1.com. You’re welcome)
“I moved over for Daniel once I knew that we were on different strategies. When I was first asked, I didn’t understand as we were on the same tyre, unlike in Bahrain, so I double checked. When the team said we were on a different strategy, I moved over and then, as the race went on, I saw more and more that I didn’t have the pace. There was no point in holding Dan back. I’m not yet where I want to be with the car, but it’s an on-going process; hopefully at the next few races we will make some more steps in the right direction. Our weakness isn’t in the corners, but on the straights. The first stint today was okay but after that I’m not sure what happened.”

VET- “Has anyone seen Daniel? Does he want coffee? I have this coffee for him.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 1st

“The team have done an amazing job and all the hard work both here and at the factory is really paying off at the moment. This car is just unbelievable; in the final laps, I was pushing a little bit more to keep up the tyre temperatures and it just felt great to drive. I’m so, so happy today. We had to make a lot of changes after P2 in terms of the set-up of the car but after it rained on Saturday, we didn’t know exactly how it would go today. There was a lot of hard work done, sitting down with the engineers so that we didn’t guess anything and just made the right steps in anticipation for today. I really want to give a big shout-out to the team in Brackley and Brixworth for embracing me last year, for building this amazing car and engine and for continuously pushing forward with so much positive energy in 2014. We are definitely on a roll right now; I’m working hard, the team is working hard and we just want to improve even further when we get back to Europe.”

HAM – “I just wish everyone could feel how I feel right now. It’s so awesome. It’s really too bad that you can’t, you know, be me right now, because being me right now is so totally awesome. I love that everything is going great for the team as a by-product of everything going awesomely for me. I love helping people and the team. Especially when it’s me, helping, so awesomely. Not too much longer and I should be able to heal people just by laying hands on them. Hashtag Bless.” 

Nico Rosberg, 2nd
“That was not a perfect weekend for me. Too many things went wrong, beginning with a technical problem and a less than perfect job from me in qualifying. Today I didn’t have any telemetry, so there was no communication from the car to the pits. My engineers couldn’t see what was going on in my car and therefore they couldn’t set up my clutch for the start. The clutch was completely on the wrong place, which is why I had a really bad start. I had some contact with Bottas in Turn 1 and I thought that was it. Luckily my car wasn’t damaged and in the following laps the pace in the car seemed good, which meant I was able to climb some positions. To finish second in the end, on a weekend of damage limitation, is great. I collected some important points again, which makes me happy. It’s great to go back to Europe with the lead in the Championship. In Barcelona, the aim will be to have a normal weekend and be back in first place. It was again an amazing team result and the whole team can be very proud. Congratulations to Lewis on a fantastic weekend.”

ROS – “How long can you talk between gritted teeth, like, really gritted, until it’s, like, bad for you? Is it bad that I can hear my teeth cracking under the pressure of fake-smiling for Hammy? Fucker keeps coming up to me and putting his hands on me, closing his eyes and yelling, ‘HEAL-DUH!’ and then asking if I feel faster. Yeah, in Barcelona, I hope we have a normal weekend. And by ‘normal’, I mean, ME fucking WINNING the fucking race! That’s what’s normal! Gah!”

Ferrari

Fernando Alonso, 3rd
“After a difficult start to the season, this podium is a confidence boost for the whole team, providing extra motivation for all those who are doing their best to close the gap to the front. And I think this podium should be dedicated to Stefano, as everything we do up to July will also be the result of his efforts. We have definitely made a step forward, because compared to two weeks ago, we have partly closed the gap to the leaders, but we are well aware there’s still a long way to go and we have to keep our feet on the ground. In general, this has been a good weekend for me, as everything went well right from Friday, although the rain made qualifying more complicated than expected. I was on the limit all race long and I really don’t think I could have done any more. This is quite a unique track of its kind and now we must make the most of the long break before the next race to prepare as well as possible for whatever situation arises.”

ALO – “I heard the cries of my people: ‘Alonso! Alonso! You must do better so that Dasha is on our TV screens!’ So I said, ‘Fuck this car and fuck whomever you fire or don’t fire: fire everybody! Give me a Marussia! For you, my people who need pictures of Dasha on your TV, I will win! I. Will. Win.’ So I slammed, like, this big tumbler full of Enzo-Grappa and, hey, what can I say? Third: this car’s a piece of shit. Yo, nobody tell Mattiacci about the Enzo-Grappa! There’s barely enough for Kimi and I as it is!”

Kimi Raikkonen, 8th
“This has been a really difficult weekend. Right from Friday morning, I suffered with problems that we didn’t manage to solve completely and today in the race, I couldn’t get the result I wanted. The start was good, I made up two places but then I couldn’t make up any more ground, as I just didn’t have the pace, nor much grip at the front or the back. In the final stint on new tyres, the car handled better, but then, as the tyres degraded the situation got complicated again. I think the difficulties I encountered here stem from a combination of various factors, from my driving style combined with the low temperatures and the characteristics of the track. Today, we brought home valuable points thanks to the intense efforts of the whole team and now we will continue to work ceaselessly to improve. Fernando’s result is very encouraging and proves we are moving in the right direction.”

RAI – “I think ‘Nando switched out my Enzo-Grappa/vodka cocktail with all-vodka, which is fine, but daddy needs his Enzo-Grappa just will this car into the points. Of course, one arm is pretty sore from throwing all those vodka bottles at The Hulk. That couldn’t have helped shit. Fuck, maybe we just need to fire some more people.”

Caterham

Kamui Kobayashi, 18th
“Finishing 18th isn’t the final position we’d want, but after a really good battle with Jules I’m relatively pleased with how today’s race went. However, it’s a real shame that my move on him on the last lap now doesn’t count. We stuck to the original three stop strategy and that gave us a few interesting moments, particularly with Vettel who I was told I could pass as he was fuel saving and on old tyres and I was on new softs on the third stint. I hear he wasn’t too pleased about that but relative to him I had the pace then to immediately pull away and did so to avoid compromising our plan. Even though we had good race with Maldonado for the first third of the race it’s clear we don’t have the outright pace to fight Lotus or Sauber yet, but we have a good package coming for Spain and we are determined to try and close the gap. The first four races have been hard, but having both cars finish today shows the progress we and Renault have made with reliability. Now we have to build on that and use the next couple of weeks to recharge ourselves so we can come back stronger in Barcelona.”

Marcus Ericsson, 20th
“For me the whole race was dominated by understeer. On every set of tyres the balance just wasn’t there and that meant I couldn’t really push at all. It’s good that we got to the end of the race, but if I hadn’t had that understeer I’m sure I’d have been quicker. I just couldn’t push any more than I was. It was the same for the third and fourth stints which we did on softs but by that point I was pretty much on my own so just focused on getting to the end of the race. This is obviously the last of the early season flyaways and when we start the European season in Spain it’ll be back at a track I know really well. As a rookie that’s obviously good for me and with the amount of time I’ll be in the factory and in the simulator between now and then, and with the new parts we have coming in Barcelona, I’m sure we’ll come back stronger there and ready to make progress there and in the next few races.”

KOB and ERI – “What we like to do, between races, is go riding busses and then we like to talk to the people who sit next to us about all the things that happen to us and all the things that we see and all the things that some of our cousins do. Some of our cousins have friends and they do things and see things and things happen to them, too, so we talk to the people who sit next to us on the busses about those things, too. Sometimes we see dogs or other animals that are funny looking or doing funny things or surprising things. We see them in real life or on the internet and we tell the people sitting next to us about those things until those people find somewhere else to sit or start pulling on the ‘stop’ rope and shouting, ‘This is my stop! This is my stop!’. Then, someone else sits down where that person was sitting and we tell our new friend, sitting next to us, about all the things we see and do and that’s how we practice for these post-race interviews.”

2014 Chinese Grand Prix GIF Analysis

Lewis Hamilton

Nico Rosberg

 

Fernando Alonso

(Also, very happy for ‘Nando, because, when he podiums, we get more shots of Dasha.)

 

Daniel Ricciardo

Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Mike Myers, Wayne's World

 Sebastian Vettel

Reaction GIF: angry, Alan Rickman

 Nico Hulkenberg

Reaction GIF: thumbs up, smile

 Valtteri Bottas

Reaction GIF: right, flirting, wrestling

 Kimi Raikkonen

Reaction GIF: okay, don't care, Rob Lowe, Tommy Boy

Reaction GIF: okay, Christopher Eccleston, Doctor Who

Sergio Perez

Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Neil Patrick Harris

 Daniil Kvyat

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, Emilio Estevez, Breakfast Club

 Jenson Button

Reaction GIF: contemplating, Star Trek

Reaction GIF: contemplating, what?, Jensen Ackles, Dean Winchester, Supernatural

Reaction GIF: throw up, disgust, Team America

 Jean-Eric Vergne

Reaction GIF: nope, Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: gag, disgust, Jim Carrey, Liar Liar

Reaction GIF: disgust, Britney Spears

 

Pastor Maldonado

Reaction GIF: hi, Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump

Reaction GIF: oops, Kevin Malone, Brian Baumgartner, The Office
Felipe Massa
Reaction GIF: nope, SpongeBob SquarePants

 

Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: rain, stare

 

Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: no, Ryan Gosling
Kamui Kobayashi
Reaction GIF: hi, uncomfortable, Patrick Stewart, Star Trek
Max Chilton
Reaction GIF: smile, Elijah Wood, The Lord of the Rings
Marcus Ericsson
Reaction GIF: oh you, disappointed
Romain Grosjean
Reaction GIF: help, Aubrey Plaza, Parks and Recreation

 Adrian Sutil

Reaction GIF: nope, Conan O'Brien, Conan

2014 Bahrain Grand Prix in GIFs

Lewis Hamilton

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, Brent Spiner, Star Trek
Nico Rosberg
Reaction GIF: angry, Rowan Atkinson
Reaction GIF: clapping, not impressed, not funny, Peter Dinklage

 

Sergio Perez
Reaction GIF: excited, dance, Christian Bale, American Psycho
Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, scream, Raymond Cruz, Breaking Bad

With a special memo to McLaren from Sergio:

Reaction GIF: fuck you

 

Daniel Ricciardo
Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Paul Rudd, Our Idiot Brother

 

Nico Hulkenburg
Reaction GIF: thumbs up, oh you, Simon Pegg

 

Sebastian Vettel
Reaction GIF: wink, Milana Vayntrub

 

Felipe Massa

The Start:

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah
The rest of the race:
Reaction GIF: angry, Ari Gold, Entourage
Valtteri Bottas
Reaction GIF: confused, nod, agreeing

 

Fernando Alonso
Reaction GIF: Clint Eastwood, disgust, Gran Torino
Kimi Raikkonen
Reaction GIF: no, disappointed, Jonathan Banks, Mike Ehrmantraut, Breaking Bad
Daniil Kvyat
Reaction GIF: uncomfortable, Andy Samberg

 

Romain Grosjean
Reaction GIF: bored, not funny, eye roll, Girls' Generation
Max Chilton
Reaction GIF: clapping, Alison Brie
Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: what the fuck?, Dirch Passer
Reaction GIF: nope, what the fuck?

Reaction GIF: what the fuck?

Kamui Kobayashi
Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Hugh Laurie, House

 

Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: facepalm, are you kidding me?, Edward Norton, Rounders
Jenson Button
Reaction GIF: what?, confused, Jennifer Lawrence

 

Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: angry, scream, bullshit, Jim Carrey, Liar Liar

 

Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: what?, horrified, crazy

 

Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: facepalm, Michael Dorn, Worf, Star Trek

 

Jean-Eric Vergne
Reaction GIF: facepalm, Ryan Reynolds

 

Marcus Ericsson
Reaction GIF: stare, David Herman, Office Space

2014 Bahrain Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

Here we see Lewis Hamilton practicing his “Humble/So Sorry, Nico/We’re all on the same team, right?” face

Red Bull
Daniel Ricciardo, 4th

“It was an awesome race; it was exciting. I think the first stint was a bit follow-the-leader, but from the second stint onwards, the race really started to turn up the heat and there were more battles going on in front and behind – it was good to be a part of them. We got close to the podium today, I think within half a second, so I was doing all I could. The car came to me as the race went on and I was happy with how I moved up through the pack, so a good day. It was good fun to race Sebastian, it was hard but fair and we left each other room. That’s what we want from each other and we discussed it beforehand, we’re racers and that’s what we enjoy doing.”

RIC – “We discussed our strategy beforehand, yep. Of course, like always, VetBot2000 ‘discussed’ while staring, unblinkingly, at me very intently while sharpening a straight razor on a strap. It was a good discussion.”

Sebastian Vettel, 6th
“I think it was a busy race today, especially at the end after the safety car, but it’s a shame we couldn’t get further up. Daniel proved that there was a little bit more to get from the car today, I couldn’t really get to that bit, so I’m not so happy with my day. For some reason we seemed to be really slow on the straights, and not just against the Mercedes. Mercedes has a stronger package, so there’s work ahead of us. It was straight forward with Daniel today, we worked well together as a team and we raced well, but surely I would like to have finished higher up.”

VET – “Man, it is freaky running with the hoi-palloi, here, in the media pit. I’m in the media pit, smelling Maldonado’s flop-sweat and fucking Perez is on the podium!? Marko! Marko! Where the fuck is Marko?! Marko? Help?”

Toro Rosso

Daniil Kvyat, 11th
“Unfortunately today didn’t go as I would have liked. I was not happy with our pace and it was frustrating to see the other cars just passing me by. The start was a little bit messy and I lost a position. From then on I tried to push as much as possible, but it wasn’t enough to get into the points today. We will now have to analyze carefully what went wrong today and hopefully we will come back stronger at the next race in China.”

KVY – “I may be 19; I may be a rookie; I may be here primarily because Petra has a giant house payment to make, but I’m no dumbass: Those fucking Ice Dragons were flying around Kimi’s car ahead of me, looking all threatening, breathing icy blue fire and I thought to myself: ‘You know, 11th is fine today. 11th is juuuust fine.'”

Jean-Eric Vergne, DNF
“It was a bit of a mess at the start in Turn 8 with a lot of cars around me, but while the others were having a poor exit I had a clean one on the outside. When I then found myself next to a Lotus, I got squeezed more and more and when he realised I was about to overtake him anyway, he just closed the door. That is why our wheels touched and my car took off, out of control. Both rear wing and floor got heavily damaged with a huge loss of aero performance and it was just not possible to continue my race. Hopefully bad luck will leave us alone for the next races.”

JEV – “Yeah, this is a little bit of a let down, this, being bitten by the black widow that is Lotus F1. It’s a total bummer after deciding to go ahead and have that special surgery that strips all the flesh and everything from your body. So, um, yeah, basically, my fire suit kind of holds all my organs and muscles in place and then there’s my skeleton, which I had mostly replaced with leftover carbon fiber from last year’s car .. . so, yeah, having fucking Lotus assholes knock my spleen out, I mean, my “front wing” was kind of a bitch.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 17th

“In terms of pace, we took a step forward this weekend. Moreover, our degradation was positive and I think we did a very good job understanding our tyres. Only one team were demonstrably quicker than us today – Mercedes – but sadly they were a lot quicker than us. Having said that, our long-run pace was very good, especially over the last few laps, so I reckon we could have raced very hard to the finish on the primes. But unfortunately I didn’t get that opportunity.

“It’s tough for all the team, because they all worked really well and really hard. We were set for fifth place at worst and a podium finish at best, and that would have been a very positive outcome for all of us. In summary, then, there was lots of good racing out there – I can’t even remember how many cars I overtook but it was quite a lot – and I think it was the same for almost everyone out there. I really enjoyed it, in fact.

“Formula One may have new power units and technical regulations this year, but it’s clearly every bit as good as it ever was in terms of on-track spectacle.”

BUT – “Do you reckon that if I use the word ‘reckon’ in every post-qualy and post-race quote that no one will notice all the blood coming out of my even-my-ears-are-cute ears because doing the British thing and not FUCKING freaking out about this FUCKING piece of SHIT car?! Fucking Perez fucking flipping me the double-bird every time he went by?! If anybody needs me, I’ll be cry-eating a ten-liter bucket of scotch eggs and lovingly stroking a picture of Ross. Oh, Ross.”

Kevin Magnussen, DNF
“That wasn’t a great race for me. The start wasn’t ideal – I lost three positions – and after that we just didn’t have enough pace to make progress towards the front. We’d been expecting that the colder conditions might help us, but, as things panned out, we were actually a little less strong here than we were in Malaysia, for some reason.

“We’ll analyse that carefully, and I’m sure we’ll learn from it. We’re learning all the time, in fact. It’s disappointing that we didn’t score points today – two DNFs is never pleasant for any team – but we’ll approach the Chinese Grand Prix with the aim of doing quite a bit better than we did here in Bahrain.”

MAG – “Can somebody get me Perez’s Uncle’s phone number? I heard he has a used Estrella de Oro bus we could drop a PU106A into that’ll probably do better than this POS chassis: ’cause you know the problem ain’t the fucking engine. At least, in the bus, I could watch movies while everyone passes my slow ass.”

 

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“Well, it goes without saying that we’re leaving Bahrain bitterly disappointed. We didn’t have the fastest car this weekend, we know that, but, had our cars not both been afflicted with clutch problems towards the end of the race, triggering their retirements, at least we’d have been leaving with some more championship points on the scoreboard.

“In fact, had Jenson’s car run reliably to the flag, there’s every chance that he’d have been fighting for fifth, fourth or potentially even third place. Granted, minor placings aren’t what McLaren is all about – on the contrary we exist to win – but a third-, fourth- or fifth-place finish would have been extremely welcome in terms of our achieving what we’d set out to accomplish in these early-in-the-season fly-away races: namely, steadily pick up championship points while we develop our car’s performance envelope for the beginning of the European season in Barcelona.

“Anyway, from here we’ll go back to Woking, where we’ll work as hard as we possibly can to improve our cars for Shanghai, where we’ll be hoping to put up a significantly better showing than we did here in Sakhir this evening.”

Boullier – “Fucking deja vu all over again. Fuck.”

Williams
Felipe Massa, 7th

“The start was fantastic, I did everything right and I had good grip and it all went well. We were in a good position and fighting but sadly the tyre degradation was worse than we expected. The safety car didn’t help the strategy as I think we should have been up with the Force Indias rather than behind the Red Bulls so that is a shame. Other than that it was a good race, with some good battles and to finish with both cars in the points is really positive.”

MAS – “Memo to Mark Weber: That’s how you start a race, muthafucka!! Oh my God, that shit felt good. I was doing a little dance in my seat, singing, ‘Seems like funky days are black again!’ and I could see Hammy, see him. After that it was all Springsteen: “I had a friend who was a fast race car driver, then he got hit in the head with a spring.” I hate that fucking song. really, though, I blame the goddamned sanitized livery. In China, when we get the ‘Martini’ back on there, watch out, um. . . . I guess, Bottas!”

Valtteri Bottas, 8th
“After a poor start our race strategy was compromised. I had too much wheelspin and that lost me a few positions which is frustrating. We had issues with the tyres that were worse than expected but on a positive note we got some good points from both cars. We always want more though, so we will continue to work hard and look forward to the next race.”

BOT – “Yeah, I had too much wheel spin! Because I kept slamming the pedal to the metal because the fuck if I was going to let Massa get away with shit after last week. Then he goes un-fucking-conscious at the start and now I’m really freaking out and the ‘racing’ livery is bullshit; so, yeah: wheel spin. I had to call on all the powers of my Finnish Gods of Stoicism to remain calm. I think, later, I have to go sacrifice a goat or something, to pay them back. I can’t remember. I gotta look it up, or try ask Kimi. I don’t think he’s really in a talking mood right now, though.”

Caterham
Kamui Kobayashi, 15th

“I had an okay start but had an issue on lap one with a setting that gives us full boost and energy release – we sorted that out quickly and I passed Marcus [Ericsson] for 18th, then went after [Jules] Bianchi who I caught and passed on lap 10.

“My race pace was good in the first stint and the tyre deg was what we’d expected so we stuck to the strategy and boxed for the first time on lap 15 for another set of options. I came out behind Marcus and [Max] Chilton but got in front of them both and went after [Pastor] Maldonado in 16th but with the performance level of the car now I wasn’t able to catch him.

“We were on a two stop strategy so we came in for the mediums on lap 35. I was fighting with Gutierrez but let him go as he was on a different strategy and there wasn’t any point ruining that set of tyres just to race him, but then the safety car came out and I was able to make up the lap and was up with Maldonado and [Romain] Grosjean just as the safety car came in.

“After the restart I had to save fuel so couldn’t keep pace with the pack and that was pretty much the end of my race. Finishing 15th isn’t great but we really couldn’t do any more today. We’ll have to regroup for China and with a few updates we have for that race we’ll aim to make progress there.”

KOB – “Do you ever get the idea that I’m not paying any attention to actually fucking racing?”

Marcus Ericsson, DNF
“My start was good and I was up to 17th by the end of lap three, fighting with Grosjean and then went after Bianchi. The car balance really didn’t feel great and Kamui had better pace than me in the first few laps plus my tyre deg wasn’t great so we made our first stop on lap 11 at the same time as Chilton – the guys did a good job and I came back out still ahead of him at the start of the second stint.

“The car still didn’t feel great on the second set of tyres and I couldn’t hold back the Marussia or Kamui who was on a different strategy to me. I kept pushing up to the second stop on lap 26 when we went onto the third set of options and came out ahead of the Marussia again but then after a few more laps I lost power and was told to stop the car because we had an oil leak.

“It’s obviously disappointing not to be able to finish the race, especially as the car was feeling much better as the fuel level dropped. Still, for me it’s another part of the learning process and with every lap I’m racing my education continues. Now we have a couple more days of testing in Bahrain and then it’s off to China for another new track for me. We’ll have some new parts there so we’ll work on optimising them with setup and come back fighting in Shanghai.”

ERI – “Another thing that Kamui and I talk about on the radio while we’re racing is how it’s weird that Kevin and I both have two ‘s’ in our names and so people keep getting us confused. I was telling Kamui, via Gchat, during the race, when that does happen, I like to tell people, ‘Ok, this is how you can tell us apart: his name ends with ‘en’ and mine ends with ‘on’!’ Hah! That one always cracks me up. Kammy (I call him ‘Kammy’. We both drive green cars) Kammy just has the BEST emoticons, I guess ’cause he’s Japanese. They love that shit. Was there a race today?”

Force India
Sergio Perez, 3rd

“This podium is an amazing achievement and one of the most special results in my whole career. This is a massive confidence boost, especially after the very hard season I had last year, and it was the hardest-fought podium I ever had. It was an amazing feeling to cross the line because the last few laps were very difficult. I had to keep up the pace and I knew the Red Bulls were coming. In the end we managed to stay ahead and score this very special result in only my third race with the team. I also had a great fight with my teammate during the whole race. When he got ahead of me after the first stop, I tried to keep my head down to get back ahead. I managed to do that when we were fighting with the Williams and that was the crucial moment.”

PER – “Oh my god! I think my arms and my hands are going to fall off, they’re so fucking tired from fucking flipping off every last asshole at McLaren every time I see them. I don’t give a shit where I am on the track: if you drive a black car with one pathetic ad on your livery, you’re getting the bird. Fucking forget about my arms! I’ve got goddamn blisters on my knees from driving with my legs so I can flip all these pendejos back the stone age which, I think it where they got the design for their car: off some rock paintings. Fucking assholes. I AM KICKING YOUR ASSES IN A FUCKING FORCE INDIA CAR, BIIITCHEEEEZZZZZZ!”

Nico Hulkenberg, 5th
“It’s a great day for the team and I’m very happy for the guys. The battle with Checo was very clean and fair, and when you’re fighting for the podium you give everything but always stay within the lines. It was good fun. The end of the race was hard because I had to battle from the moment the safety car came in until the end of the race. I was behind Checo and I felt I had a little more pace, but I was in dirty air and that caused me to struggle towards the end. I held back Ricciardo for as long as I could and I managed to stay ahead of Vettel. It’s a great achievement for the team and we’ve shown once again that we are competitive so hopefully we can keep up the momentum in China.”

HUL – “I watched the awesome segment that Matchett did on dirty air and I’m just going to use that as an excuse for just about everything now.”

Vijay Mallya, Force India team principal
“Today is one of the greatest days in the history of our team. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s very satisfying to see Sahara Force India back on the podium after so many near misses in recent years. We have a great driver line-up and today we saw both Checo and Nico at their best as they battled for a place on the podium. Without the safety car our two-stop strategies would have been much more comfortable because we faced a strong assault from the Red Bulls in the closing stages. Nico did a fantastic job to keep them back for so long and hold on to fifth place. It gave Checo the breathing space he needed to secure third place. So I’m extremely proud of everyone in the team and congratulate all of them on this achievement. 2014 is a new chance and we have shown we’re moving forward in Australia, Malaysia and here. I couldn’t be happier.”

Mallya – “Thank you, Renault, for laying the most gigantic of F1 turds. Thank you so much.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez, DNF

“First of all, the most important is that I am okay. They did all the checks at the hospital and everything is fine. Concerning the accident, I was completely surprised that Pastor (Maldonado), who came out of the pits, ran into me. I was clearly in front of him. I turned into the corner and I was suddenly hit and I rolled over. There was nothing much I could do.”

GUT – “I’ve got some homies in El Norte, some bad-ass cabrones, enforcers in the fucking trenches of narco-tepotzlan and they are going to fucking show Maldonado what happens you have to sling drogas to The States for your millions and your goddamn money doesn’t just come bubbling up out of the ground. Cuidate, motherfucker. Cuidate.”

Adrian Sutil, DNF
“My race was over quite early. Jules (Bianchi) braked too late and went into my car in the hairpin. I was not able to do anything to prevent it, and my car was damaged. He was driving aggressively for the whole race and pushed me off at the start. With his move he destroyed mine as well as his own race. It was unnecessary. In general, the weekend was difficult for us. However, I wanted to finish the race to cover more kilometres and also to gain experience with the car. The next race in China will come soon, so it can only be better.”

SUT – “CAN SOMEBODY JUST HIT CHILTON FOR ONCE AND NOT ME!? PLEASE? GOD!!!! US BACK MARKERS ARE SUPPOSED TO STICK TOGETHER, I THOUGHT!! GOOOOOOODDDD-DAH!!!!”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 9th

“Today’s race was complicated for us, even if we knew what to expect because, with its long straights, this track shows up our weak points. The team did a super job and sorted the problem I had yesterday in the final part of qualifying and the start and strategy were perfect. The Safety Car helped us make up a bit of ground on the cars ahead of us and also allowed us to save fuel, but it was not enough to change the result, with eight cars ahead of us doing a better job. Although we did all we could, we can’t be happy with our level of performance and now our sole focus must be on working day and night. The season is in its early stages and I think we can stage a recovery. We have the resources and the potential to do it and it’s all down to us. Next week will be very important as we get back on track on Tuesday and Wednesday to test in preparation for the upcoming races. We have got a very aggressive programme, which we need as our rivals will not just be sitting back and watching.”

ALO – “A couple more races like this and I’m gonna have to lock up all my katanas. I’m losing sleep because I can hear them calling to me, begging me to use them to perform hara-kiri. Actually, fuck that: I should take my finest katana and fucking drive it right into the heart of this piece of shit car. Yep: A couple of shots of Enzo-Grappa and I’m going to stab the shit out of this car.”

Kimi Raikkonen, 10th
“I am very disappointed with today’s result, because after how qualifying went, I expected to do better. I didn’t get a good start and immediately lost some places. On the first lap, I was hit by Magnussen, luckily without it doing any damage, but trying to move up the order at this point was very difficult, because the lack of aero downforce and speed on the straight meant overtaking was complicated. We knew this track was less suited to the characteristics of our car than the first two and that the Mercedes would be very quick. Overall, the handling of our car has generally improved compared to the first races and this makes me confident for the upcoming ones. We can expect a lot of work to do and we will make the most of the test days to try and improve already in time for the next race in China.”

RAI – “Unless they can figure out a way to fuel this car with Enzo-Grappa or fucking dip the whole car in Enzo-Grappa, I’m going back to an all-vodka diet and, by ‘all-vodka diet’ I mean I’m going to dump all my vodka all over this car, the garage, anything red and I’m going to light the whole motherfucker up with a money-log from my money-heated hot tub. And I will laugh (silent, Finnish, to myself, very quietly, laughter) as it all goes up in flames.”

Stefano Domenicali, Ferrari team principal
“This race provided an epilogue to a weekend which turned out to be as difficult as we had thought it would be, even before arriving in Bahrain. This circuit is particularly tough for our car and Sakhir’s technical characteristics showed up the gaps in our performance. Now, we must forget this race and look ahead, because I don’t like seeing our drivers fighting hard everywhere and then being unable to attack or defend on the straights. We’ve got an important test ahead of us now, when I expect to see an initial step up in terms of quality. The team must not get downhearted, even if things have not turned out the way they should so far. They must continue to work in order to step up a gear as quickly as possible.”

Domenicali – “We are fucked.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 13th

“Yesterday’s qualifying didn’t go so well but I knew today’s race was going to be a lot closer. I didn’t get a very good start but through the course of the race I managed the tyres well, while still having a good race with the Caterhams. The safety car helped us out as I don’t think we had to fuel save as much as the others, once we had unlapped ourselves. All in all it’s great to be leaving Bahrain with 13th place and having finished every single race of my F1 career so far – 22 out of 22 now! Most important of all, it’s a nice feeling to have helped us back into 10th position in the constructors’ championship standings. Bring on China!”

CHI – “WOOOO-HOOOOOO! HASN’T ANYBODY FIGURED IT OUT YET? WOOOO-HOOOOO! THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MALDONADO!!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!!! BRRRRINNNNG IT-TAHHHH!!!!!!”

Jules Bianchi, 16th
“I’m really disappointed after another tough race for me; the third one in a row. I got a good start and made up three places by the end of the first lap and I was having a really good first stint, enjoying a good race with Sutil. I had the chance to get ahead of him and I was slightly ahead going into Turn 1, but he turned in on me and crashed into me, which punctured my left rear. I pitted but after that the car never felt the same and we can see now that the floor was damaged, which resulted in a loss of downforce and made the car difficult to drive for the rest of the race.”

BIA – “Coulda been 15th. Even 14th! Seriously though, can’t someone do something about Max?”

John Booth, Marussia team principal
“After a disappointing outing in Malaysia last weekend, where unfortunately we allowed 10th place in the constructors’ championship to slip through our grasp, it’s fantastic to regain the position again so quickly. Our performance today was no accident; it was the product of a lot of hard work by the factory in a very short space of time, coupled with the efforts of the trackside crew. Max had a tough start to the race and was stuck behind Ericsson for several laps but we re-optimised his ERS, which enabled him to overtake the Caterham. As a result of Kobayashi emerging just in front of Max after his second pit stop, at this point we opted to switch Max to a two-stop strategy to run to the end. The late safety car enabled us to put Max onto a fresh set of option tyres and he was able to pass Kobayashi at the restart. From there he comfortably pulled away and was able to stay in front of Maldonado, whilst also managing his fuel to the end of the race. Jules enjoyed a fantastic start to the race and after his first pit stop he was in a good battle with the Sauber of Sutil in which he was clearly quicker and trying to overtake. What happened next was unfortunate and that was effectively the end of Jules’ ability to race, however the fact that he was able to make it to the chequered flag gives him his first classified finish and provides the team with more valuable data. We’ve made a lot of progress this weekend and the test will give us the chance to improve the car further.”

Booth – “Data collection. That’s the business we’re in! Data for sale! Anybody want some Marussia Data? Data for sale!”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 1st

“What an incredible day. That was a really tough race tonight and I am absolutely delighted to have come home with the win. It’s a long time since I had a race like that! My weekend started off well but I didn’t really have great pace for qualifying and the race. I knew that I needed a good start and to go into the first corner in the lead was crucial to my race this evening. From there, it was such a battle. Nico drove fantastically well and, in all honesty, he had the pace on me today but I managed to hold on. I knew when the safety car came out that Nico would be on the option tyres and that he would be quick. To try and stay ahead of him was so hard and when I came across the line I was just so relieved. When you’re racing your team mate, the pressure is really intense and we both knew that we had to bring the cars home for the team and for the championship. All credit to the team for allowing us to race and I hope the fans loved the show that we were able to put on tonight. A big thank you to the team, especially to my engineers for all the information they were giving me during the race, and to everyone here and back at the factories for all their hard work. Another one-two is just fantastic for us. I’m also very proud to have joined Fangio with 24 Grand Prix wins today, he’s one of the great racers of all time so that’s a real honour.”

HAM – “Quite a sight to behold when someone as insufferable as I am attempts to appear diplomatic when, inside my head, I just want to start screaming about how I fucking rule and waggling my dick in everyone’s faces, isn’t it? After all, I have the power of God on my side. . . I think. Hashtag Bless.”

Nico Rosberg, 2nd
“It was a great battle out there this evening with Lewis and this kind of race is exactly why I am in Formula One; I love to race like today. Of course, it’s very disappointing to have finished second in the end but I gave it everything and it just didn’t quite come off for me. Lewis did a great job defending his position and, so often when I did manage to get past, I then couldn’t see him in the blind spot in my mirrors. Our strategy was good and to change it after the first stint was a decision that I made with the team. It was a slightly slower strategy but it gave me the best chance of catching Lewis at the end on the option tyres. The difference between the prime and the option was not as big as we expected however and that’s why I didn’t quite manage to get by. The positive must be that this was a great day for Formula One. The race was a fantastic show and hopefully it proves that the critics of our new technology are wrong. I can’t wait for China now and I want to end up on the top step there.”

ROS – “You think you’ve had cases of blue balls?! You have no fucking idea! GAH!!!”

Toto Wolff, Mercedes team executive director
“It has been a fantastic weekend for the team from start to finish. To have led every session with both cars is a real achievement and we can be very proud of the combined effort of our staff at Brackley, Brixworth and Stuttgart. The race was quite simply brilliant to watch, with battles throughout the field. Lewis and Nico drove with a great deal of maturity and respect for both each other and the team but still put on a great show. What we saw today was two drivers at the peak of their abilities fighting fair and square for victory. This is what we go racing for and it was a strong advert for the sport: in particular under these new regulations. With the result last week in Malaysia mirrored here tonight, we now find ourselves in a strong position in both Championships. We are under no illusions, however, that this is a given. We must take these moments and use them as inspiration in the on-going push to achieve our goals.”

Paddy Lowe, Mercedes team executive director (technical) 
“Another exceptional and well-deserved result for the team today after what has been a flawless weekend from everyone involved. From the very first laps in practice the car looked competitive and we didn’t miss a beat throughout. From the pit wall, the race was fascinating to watch. While there were undoubtedly some tense moments, we knew that both drivers would be sensible enough to bring the cars home: although it was worth throwing in a little reminder just to be sure! All credit to the teams at Brackley, Brixworth and Stuttgart for what they have achieved already this season. A particular note must go to the team at Mercedes AMG High Performance Powertrains, with their power units taking all three podium places and six of the top ten positions. It’s fantastic to show the world that not only can amazing technology be produced within this exciting new ‘Efficiency Formula’ but that racing is alive and well within our sport. We now have a two-day test here in Bahrain where we will be looking to build on our current performance and maintain this momentum into the next races. For now, though, we can enjoy what has been a highly successful few weeks for the team.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 12th

“It’s good that we didn’t have any problems during the weekend and we were able to finish the race with both cars. It’s not easy racing – what with the fuel management and energy recovery system – so there’s certainly more mental work going on in the cockpit. At certain points of the race we were quite quick, but then at other points we were really struggling with the rear grip. Fortunately, we now have two days of testing at Bahrain so we’ll be able to try a lot of different set-ups to try to get the car more as we want it.”

GRO – “I don’t even think this is a French film anymore. It’s like a Bergman film, mixed with a Von Trier film, mixed with ‘Requiem for a Dream’, mixed with that time, when I was 14 and I danced, unironically to Snow’s ‘Informer’. Fucking kill me, someone, please.”

Pastor Maldonado, 14th
“As we expected the pace was much better in the race than it was in qualifying. We were using quite an interesting strategy and were running on two stops which was working well until the incident. We will need to have a look again at what happened as Esteban seemed to be off his line coming into Turn 1 – maybe he missed his braking point, I don’t know – and by then I was in the corner with nowhere to go. For sure it’s difficult to understand and I was coming out from the pits and with cold tyres. I think he was very unlucky and it’s good he jumped straight out of the car. As a team it’s a plus that we finished with two cars which is very important and now we need to learn from this race and push hard for Shanghai.”

MAL – “Yeah, looking at the tape, it’s obviously Esteban’s fault. I mean, look at that: there he is, on a racing track! Racing! Just fucking asking to be hit! Frankly, I think I should be commended to showing people the depths to which a person can sink and the heights of assholery that can be reached if you just dream big enough!”

2014 Bahrain Grand Prix GIF Grid

Nico Rosberg

Reaction GIF: smile, yes, Gina Carano

 

Lewis Hamilton

Reaction GIF: smile, tired, baby
Valterri Bottas
Reaction GIF: wow
Sergio Perez
Reaction GIF: smile, sneaky, flirting, approval, William Shatner, James T. Kirk, Star Trek

 

Kimi Raikkonen
Reaction GIF: smile, Tom Haverford, Aziz Ansari, Parks and Recreation

 

Jensen Button
Reaction GIF: smile, dance, Barack Obama

 

Felipe Massa
Reaction GIF: wink, Jessica Walter, Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development
Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: clapping, David Tennant

 

Fernando Alonso
Reaction GIF: throw up, clapping
Sebastian Vettel
Reaction GIF: clapping, not impressed, not funny, stare
Nico Hulkenberg
Reaction GIF: oh snap, Simon Cowell
Daniil Kvyat
Reaction GIF: thumbs up
Daniel Ricciardo
Reaction GIF: nevermind, Martin Freeman, Sherlock
Jean-Eric Vergne
Reaction GIF: laugh, Stephen Colbert
Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: crying, Nestor Carbonell, Richard Alpert, Lost

 

Romain GrosjeanReaction GIF: disgust, Britney Spears

Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: what?, stare, Bubbles, Trailer Park Boys
Kamui Kobayashi
Reaction GIF: don't care, eye roll, Homer Simpson, Ned Flanders, The Simpsons

 

Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: don't care, don't know, Jimmy Fallon

 

Marcus Ericsson
Reaction GIF: don't know, don't care, Nicki Minaj

 

Max Chilton
Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, John Turturro, The Big Lebowski

 

Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: not funny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2014 Bahrain Grand Prix Drivers’ Post-Qualifying Quotes, Translated

I’m just so glad I don’t believe in God, like Hammy, ’cause at least I just have to live with Marko’s hate and not God’s, like Hammy.

Mercedes
Nico Rosberg (1st, Q3 – 1:33.185) 

“It’s fantastic to be on pole again here in Bahrain. I really enjoy the track and I won my GP2 Series title here so it has some pretty special memories for me. We’ve had a good weekend so far and I’ve been able improve my pace throughout the practice sessions so I was hoping for a strong qualifying. It’s so difficult to get everything completely right with all the new technology and set-up requirements on the car but I felt really comfortable this evening and was able to put some great laps together. I’m looking forward to the race as I had a good run on high fuel but we’re going to need to be careful with tyre degradation.”

ROS – “Oh, shit! Better start hydrating! All this cum! What the hell am I going to do? There are all these weight issues: on one hand, I’m ejacualting all my water weight; on the other hand, My shoes are swelling up like loaded diapers. I almost need Hammy to beat me every other race, just so I regain normal kidney function. C’mon, Hammy!”

Lewis Hamilton (2nd, Q3 – 1:33.464)
“Second place is pretty good for us today. I made a mistake on my last lap which was a shame but it’s great for the team to have both cars on the front row. They’ve done a fantastic job this weekend with the set-up simulations and we did a lot of testing here before the season started which has helped. The car has felt good so far but I definitely felt more comfortable in practice than I did this evening in qualifying. I’m not really sure why but we’ll have a good look at the data tonight and see if there is anything we can identify before the race tomorrow. Congratulations to Nico today, he’s done a great job so far this weekend and nailed a really quick lap in qualifying. I’m happy that it’s my team-mate there on pole and not someone else!”

HAM – “Yep, we had better check the data, ’cause it couldn’t be that I was slower than Nico today. I wonder of the data will show the hand of God coming down and holding my car back for 5-hundredths of a second. I wonder if the data will have the audio of God, laughing, as he does this to me, Lewis Hamilton, Center of the Universe? Perhaps if I tweet the data. I’m just so glad it’s Nico on pole and not someone else even if that someone else is me. Really. Happy. For. Nico. Hashtag Bless.”

Paddy Lowe, Mercedes team executive director (technical)
“It’s extremely satisfying to see that our car has the performance to take both slots on the front row for the first time under these new regulations. Our pace was evident from the beginning of Q1 and it was good to watch our drivers competing so closely throughout the sessions. Nico drove a superb lap on his first run in Q3 and Lewis clearly sensed he had to push to the limit to match his team-mate. Unfortunately this lead to a mistake at the first corner but his initial lap was still good enough to maintain second. It’s been a good day and we look forward to seeing if we can match that performance in the race tomorrow.”

Lowe – “Lewis, try not to freak out over second place and fuck the shit up, right?”

Toro Rosso
Daniil Kvyat (13th, Q2 – 1:35.145)

“I am a little bit disappointed and also surprised with only making it to Q2, because we were fast enough to get into Q3 looking at how the rest of the weekend went so far. But unfortunately the others were faster and we didn’t manage to improve enough so it wasn’t a very satisfying Qualifying session. We will have a look at this tonight and hopefully we can have another strong race tomorrow.”

KVY – “I think it might be time for a visit to Renault from my jump-suited friends. They won’t do anything, really. They’ll just stand there, glowering in a corner…In their jumpsuits. Remember the twins in Breaking Bad? Like, you knew those guys were bad-ass just from their matching suits, right? Renault’ll get their shit together once they’ve been turned inside out by Adidas-Fear.”

Jean-Eric Vergne (14th, Q2 – 1:35.286)
“Today the team did again a very good job to give me a car that was more suitable for me and I had a good feeling in Q2. We made a good step forward compared to yesterday, even though I felt down in power and we will have to investigate the reasons for this. Anyway, we have to stay positive, also because starting 14th on the grid is not too bad and everything is possible. We just have to keep our head down and stay focussed.”

VER – “Gotta stay positive. Gotta stay focussed. Keep telling ourselves it’ll be ok. It’s just a tornado: it’ll be ok. It’s just a hacking cough: it’ll be ok. It’s just a funny rash: it’ll be ok.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi (20th, Q1 – 1:37.310)

“The car balance was pretty good today. We lost some time on the straight – 0.3s – which I thought we had got on top of and ultimately this cost us getting ahead of Kobayashi. It’s something we need to look at as we need to get back in front of the Caterhams, not losing out to them. We will hope to recover a little bit of ground tomorrow but it will be tough.”

BIA – “Qualified ahead of Chilton. It’s a fucking great day.”

Max Chilton (22nd, Q1 – 1:37.913)
“I’m a little bit disappointed after that qualifying session as I thought we had done enough to edge a bit closer to Q2. When everything comes together we aren’t that far away and if you look at the overall spread of times we have made some progress. We didn’t achieve everything we could today, but having said that, I think tomorrow we’ll have a better showing.”

CHI – “TOMORROW! TO-MORROW! I LOVE YA! TOMORROW! THE GUYS LOVE IT WHEN I SING THIS AFTER EVERY QUALIFYING, DON’T YOU GUYS? TOMORROW! THE SUN’LL COME UP TOMO. . . . GUYS?”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas (4th, Q3 – 1:34.247)

“It was a good qualifying session; I think we got the maximum potential out of the car today. After the Red Bull penalty we are third and after the last two races it’s good to see the full potential of the car on a Saturday. We haven’t done too many laps this weekend so there are things we can still improve for the race, but if we get the strategy right and take the opportunities that come our way we should be in for a good result.”

BOT – “That oughta shut Felipe the fuck up.”

Felipe Massa (8th, Q3 – 1:34.511)
“That was not a very easy qualifying. I made a few mistakes on my lap in Q3 as I had a bit of oversteer, so lost some time and I really should have been quicker. We will start P7 tomorrow after Ricciardo’s penalty and it’s a long race so a lot could happen. We look competitive which is good to see, and we are in the fight for tomorrow.”

MAS – “It’s a fucking bitch to qualify when you’ve been up all week, not sleeping, with fucking radio transmissions echoing in your head about ‘x is faster than you’ and ‘y is faster than you’. Jesus, by Wednesday, just pouring milk into my cereal, I could see my cereal staring at me accusatorially. My fucking cereal, man, was like, ‘What? Can’t you pour that milk any faster? What’s wrong with you, slowy slowerton?’ Yeah, qualifying is hard when every breakfast ends with you, throwing a gallon of milk at the wall. Fuck”

Rob Smedley, Williams head of vehicle performance
“The team did an excellent job throughout the whole of qualifying, so we are very happy. We have good race pace which we showed in testing and with Ricciardo’s penalty we’ll be P3 and P7 on the grid, which is a good step forward towards where we want to be. We are also starting on the clean side of the grid, which is an added advantage. The FW36 has good overtaking capabilities so we are feeling positive for tomorrow. Overall, it’s been a good day to start off my time at Williams.”

Smedley – “That ought shut Felipe the fuck up.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez (15th, Q2 – 1:35.891)

“I am satisfied with the result of qualifying today. We managed to put together some fast laps. I want to thank my team; they did a good job in finding the right balance from my feedback. We need to look forward and still work hard, because we are missing quite a lot of pace to be where we want to be. I have a great team and we are all working hard. Today it was the optimum I could get out of the car on my last really good lap. With the lower temperatures the tyres are behaving in a different way. I feel positive for the race tomorrow, but with our pace we cannot be in the top ten at the moment. However, I am sure if we work consistently we can get some points in the future.”

GUT – “Hey, it’s Sauber. What the fuck do you want? Fucking 11th?!”

Adrian Sutil (18th, Q1 – 1:36.840) 
“Today there was not much to achieve. However, making it into Q2 could have been possible. Unfortunately, we are still too slow on the straights, and I am personally struggling with the fact the car is overweight. I only had one lap, as I had traffic on my second run. This resulted in aborting my final lap. We have to concentrate on tomorrow, and we need to be better in the race. However, it will be difficult to finish in the points. We are working on the car, and I think when we get to Europe we will be able to move further up the grid. I am looking forward to that and I will put all my efforts into it.”

SUT – “I wonder if I cum as much as Nico, but not into my shoes, I might get light enough to not blame my weight on every goddamn thing that goes wrong?”

Caterham
Kamui Kobayashi (19th, Q1 – 1:37.085)

“FP3 was a much better session than we’d had yesterday. The guys had worked until just before curfew to get the cars ready and they did really well to prepare for Saturday. The car was performing pretty well in FP3, a little oversteer, but that was to be expected with the track temperatures in the afternoon, but we didn’t want to make any changes as it was obviously going to be cooler in the evening.

“In quali my first run was good – one flying lap on the options that I didn’t think I could improve on so I boxed and we waited until there were about three minutes left and then went out for one more flying lap. I definitely got everything I could out of the car on that run and finished about four-tenths from Q2, a realistic view of where we are now with performance.

“That’s the first time this season we’ve really had a chance to extract maximum performance from the car, after a good Friday and Saturday, so it’s clear what we need to do to improve. We saw last week in Malaysia we have good race pace, but we need to bridge that gap to be able to fight in quali with teams like Lotus and Sauber, and that’s the target. For tomorrow I think we’re in a much better position than we were in the first two races, particularly with the work we did yesterday, so if we can continue this better reliability the race could be a good one for us.”

KOB – “Caterham, where if words were speed, we’d be kicking everyone’s ass all over the globe.”

Marcus Ericsson (21st, Q1 – 1:37.875) 
“We definitely made some improvements overnight and I want to thank everyone in the team for the efforts they put in to move on from what had been a bit of a difficult Friday. My final run on the options was the best of the weekend so far – we’d improved the braking and the overall balance so I went into quali feeling pretty positive about being able to fight with our nearest rivals.

“We started Q1 on a set of new options but I had a bit of a lock-up that cost me quite a bit of time on the first run. I wasn’t going to get any more out of that set of tyres so we boxed and then went for another final run towards the end of the session. My final lap was definitely my best of the weekend but I didn’t have a great out lap so I know I could have found more, but overall I’m reasonably pleased with how Saturday has gone. It’s been a much better weekend so far with reliability and with the improvements we made today I’m now focused on having another solid race tomorrow. I’m learning all the time, and with the mileage we’ve now done here in Bahrain I want to make tomorrow’s race my strongest yet – do that and this will have been a good weekend.”

ERI – “Just trying to match Kamui, prose-wise, here!”

Force India
Sergio Perez (5th, Q3 – 1:34.346)

“It was definitely a great qualifying session and the team did a fantastic job to give me such a competitive car. After the problems we had in the first two races I feel this has been the first real opportunity to show the potential of the car. I believe we could have been even closer to the front, but I couldn’t warm up my brakes enough on the out lap of my final run in Q3 and so I didn’t improve. We’re already thinking about tomorrow and I think the clear target must be to aim for the podium. We’re in the best possible position to fight at the front and I’m going to make the most of it. I’ve got some very good memories of this track but tomorrow I want to create even better ones.”

PER – “I’m not sure how I managed to qualify while flipping McLaren the double bird the whole time but, fucking a, if I didn’t do it! Where’s your pot-leafed fucking bandera de Mexico now, motherfuckers?!”

Nico Hulkenberg (12th, Q2 – 1:35.116)
“My lap in Q2 was not the best one. I made a mistake in turn 11 and ran wide on the exit kerb, which completely ruined my lap. I lost a couple of tenths and that made the difference between making it into Q3 and missing out. I do believe the chance for a good result tomorrow is still there and I feel optimistic. We showed on Friday that we have good long run pace and I have two new sets of soft tyres for the race. The strategy decisions for tomorrow will be important to help me move forward and with the cooler conditions it should be easier on the tyres compared to Malaysia.”

HUL – “Back here and I still am going to have to battle it out with ‘Nando for tenth. Fuck me.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean (16th, Q2 – 1:35.908)

“It was tight to get to Q2. We knew beforehand that we were around the cut off, so it was great to get through. If we look at the whole weekend we’ve been struggling on the track. This evening the car felt more together and more driveable – of course 16th is not great and we’re never going to be satisfied with that, but I’m happy with the way the team has been working and pushing in the right direction. We have to try things and try to understand why we are where we are and why we are not unlocking our potential. I hope the race pace will be a little bit better than the qualifying pace and then we can put up a good fight in the race.”

GRO – “Yeah, sometimes you’re not unlocking your potential. And, of course, sometimes, you dig up that stash of weed that you buried under that tree two summers ago when you just about got busted by your parents and, yeah: lots of potential there right? So, you dig that shit up; you think: ‘Fuck, I’m getting fucking hiiiiiigh tonight.’ You dig that shit up and it turns out that your stash all went moldy and fucked up BECAUSE IT WAS BURIED IN THE DIRT UNDER A TREE! And there really wasn’t any potential to unlock. Lotus: We are moldy weed. Go team. Fuck, Imma gonna hafta smoke something, being teammates with Pastor. My god.”

Pastor Maldonado (17th, Q1 – 1:36.663)
“We’re not here to fight for P16 and P17 so it’s a bit disappointing to see ourselves where we are in qualifying at the moment. We just need to be focused and try to push even more on the development of the car to catch the people around us. At the moment it’s fair to say our car is a bit on the slow side and quite difficult to drive. However we’ve made an important step forwards in terms of reliability. There have been no problems this weekend which is quite positive so fingers crossed for tomorrow. For race pace we look much more competitive than in qualifying. I’m looking forward to the race and seeing what is possible.”

MAL – “Yep, it’s the car. Lotus: Cross Your Fingers and Smoke that Moldy Weed. Go team”

Red Bull
Daniel Ricciardo (3rd, Q3 – 1:34.051)

“Today was nice, tomorrow will be less nice with the ten place penalty, but I was really happy with qualifying. I think through all the runs and on both tyres I was happy with my performance. We may have saved one set of tyres compared to the others, so that’s good, hopefully I’m going to need it tomorrow for coming through the pack; hopefully it will help us. I did the best I could today, so for that I’m pleased. I think Seb and I will both be charging hard tomorrow and will aim to put on a good race.”

RIC – “It’s not so much that I’m the ‘Mark’ this season or that they’ve given me Mark’s old car or any of that: it’s that I’m infected with the aura of Mark and, really, the only cure for that is for fucking Marko to die so, um, it’s been fun!”

Sebastian Vettel (11th, Q2 – 1:34.985)
“We weren’t quick enough today. I was pretty happy yesterday, but I think this morning didn’t help us when I spun off and did some damage to the car. It’s hard to say how big the impact of that was, as once you start qualifying you just get your head down and try to do the best you can. It was quite tight with Kimi and there wasn’t a lot missing to get to Q3, but that’s how it goes. We get an extra set of tyres tomorrow and I think in the race things will calm down and we’ll be able to be a bit more consistent and attack for some good points. I think our speed is okay on a longer run – and actually on a shorter run too, as Dan has shown today. It will be hard to overtake some cars tomorrow, but we will try our best.”

VET – “Some motherfuckers are going to get the shit Force-choked out of them, that’s all I’m gonna say.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“A superb lap from Daniel to finish qualifying in third. It’s unfortunate he has to take the ten place penalty, but nonetheless a really impressive qualifying performance from him today. Unfortunately Sebastian’s qualifying was plagued by a couple of issues that cost him straight line speed and some compromised downshifts. Hopefully that can be rectified overnight. Sebastian will start tenth tomorrow and, with freedom of choice of tyres, it still puts us in a reasonable position for the race.”

Horner – “Watching Adrian get Force-choked is this weird combination of scary and satisfying.”

Thierry Salvi, Renault Sport
“Again a tough session today and quite different for our drivers. We had to work on Seb’s car before qualy and had to face several issues. Seb started in a downgraded mode since we found a damaged wastegate and then the team experienced some problems with the downshifts. We were able to manage during the session until the last run of Q2. Dan again extracted the most from the car to get close to Mercedes. We are clearly in the challenger situation with two silver cars in front as a target. We know what we have to achieve to get back to the front and that’s what we are focused on night and day. Tomorrow will be tricky race starting in the middle and again we’ll ask a lot from both drivers to get back to the front.”

Salvi – “I just gave you this entire quote while being Forced-choked!”

McLaren


Jenson Button (7th, Q3 – 1:34.387)

“Although we haven’t qualified where we’d ideally like to have done, as a team I reckon we’ve done a more or less perfect job so far this weekend.

“It was very tight out there, we did all we could, and we ended up very close to P4; all you can do is get the best out of the car, and that’s what we did here today.

“The four fly-away races are all about picking up points as and when you can. We’ve done that pretty well the first two races, and we’ve got to continue doing that. We’re not the quickest, so we’ve got to make the best of what we have and what we are.

“A podium finish tomorrow would be great, but it’ll be very difficult because the first two places are already fully booked as long as the two Mercedes cars are reliable. But let’s be positive: we’ve got a fighting chance of making up places tomorrow, and third place is only three spots better than where we’ll be starting from [sixth].”

BUT – “I might’ve qualified higher, I reckon, but every time I saw Checo, flipping us the double bird and driving with his knees, I fucking fell over from laughter.”

Kevin Magnussen (9th, Q3 – 1:34.712)
“I’m not entirely happy with my qualifying position today, to be honest.

“We’d hoped that the cool temperatures would confer more of an advantage to us, and help us a little bit more, but it didn’t work out that way. Having said that, Jenson did a very good job, and got a bit more out of the car than I did, and I think that’s probably the most anyone could have got out of it today.

“Our race pace might be better than our qualifying pace was, and we should hopefully be a bit more competitive tomorrow as a result of that. We should be in the thick of the fight for points.

“But, first of all, I need to make a clean start tomorrow. I don’t want any damage to the front wing at the first corner!”

MAG – “Gah! Even qualifying is hard! Goddammit!

Ferrari
Kimi Raikkonen (6th, Q3 – 1:34.368)

“I am reasonably pleased with my qualifying, because up until this morning, I did not feel completely comfortable in the car, but the faith I put in what we had at our disposal was paid back with this result. We are improving in all areas, on the engine, data acquisition, electronics and the new parts fitted to the car have given me a better feeling from the front end. Sure, we are not yet where we want to be, but I think we are on the right path and we have the right people to give us every possibility to continue to move forward. It’s hard to say how tomorrow’s race will go, because in the simulation done yesterday, I was struggling on the Medium tyre, while the balance was better on the Soft. We know we can’t fight with Mercedes, but today’s result gives me more confidence than at the previous races and I will do my best to bring home a good result.”

RAI – “‘Nando kept telling to lay off the Vodka and go with the Enzo-Grappa. Fuck, if it didn’t work! Now, make no mistake: this shit wasn’t easy. Laying off the Vodka for a week, just in the hopes that some Grappa from a giant bottle with a dead Italian inside the bottle would make me faster: fuck, dude, I’m Finnish. I don’t believe in shit! I believe in ice, Ice Dragons and giant piles of money, burning in an oven to heat the water of my hot tub. But, fuck if this shit didn’t make me faster! Also, watching Sasha blow Fernando in that Ferrari seat/chair thing probably didn’t hurt.”

Fernando Alonso (10th, Q3 – 1:34.992)
“We tried our best as usual today and now we need to wait for the car to come back from parc ferme to work out why there was a drop in power in Q3. In winter testing here we had already seen that this circuit is particularly suited to the Mercedes powered cars, because the long straights allow them to use their top end performance. But given how free practice and the first two parts of qualifying had gone, maybe we could have hoped to be a bit higher up the order. Now, we must think only of doing well tomorrow, especially at the start, given we are on the clean side because of Ricciardo’s penalty. Then we must work out the best strategy, choosing between two or three stops. A lot will depend on how the tyres perform: I think that, in lower temperatures than we have seen so far, the Medium could throw up some surprises.”

ALO – ” I don’t know how he did it, but I think Kimi watered down my Enzo-Grappa.”