2014 Spanish Grand Prix GIF Recap

1. Lewis Hamilton

2. Nico Rosberg

3. Daniel Ricciardo

4. Sebastian Vettel

5. Valtteri Bottas

6. Fernando Alonso

7. Kimi Raikkonen

The emotional state Kimi allows the world to see:

Kimi’s true, interior emotional state:

8. Romain Grosjean

9. Sergio Perez

10. Nico Hulkenberg

11. Jenson Button

Reaction GIF: are you kidding me?, NeNe Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta

12. Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: what?, no, Hermione Granger, Emma Watson, Harry Potter
13. Felipe Massa
14. Daniil Kyvat
Reaction GIF: sad

 

15. Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: Chris Farley, Tommy Boy

 

16. Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: disappointed, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

 

17. Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: nope, disappointed, Lamorne Morris, New Girl
18. Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: disappointed, Rick Moranis
19. Max Chilton
20. Marcus Ericsson
DNF. Jean-Eric Vergne
DNF. Kamui Kobayashi
Maudit animated GIF

 

 

 

 

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Chinese Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

No, Kimi, I don't know where your Enzo-Grappa went.

No, Kimi, I don’t know where your Enzo-Grappa went.

Toro Rosso
Daniil Kvyat, 10th

“It felt great today and I’m very happy with my performance. I had a good start and I managed to make up some positions during the first lap. Our pace was very strong today and I enjoyed the fight with Jenson pretty much throughout the race. We did a good job with the tyre management, so we were able to stay out longer. Even though it all went very well today, I think there’s still a lot more to come from the car, so I’m really looking forward to starting the European part of the season, where I hope to get some more points.”

KVY – ” You guys remember cute, little Anakin from ‘The Phantom Menace’? Y’all had better check my blood for midi-chlorians. I’ll just be back here, whacking out 10th and 9th places, biding my time until Lord Palpati. . . . Seb! I mean, Seb, retires.”

Jean-Eric Vergne, 12th
“First of all, congratulations to Daniil for his good race and another point for him and the team. As for my race, I had a bad start and a bad first lap. We need to understand what happened exactly to improve this aspect. After that, I could not make the best out of the option tyres because I was stuck behind Button, so it was not possible to build a gap and pull away. It was definitely a tough race but we should not have to forget some positive aspects: we had a really good qualifying yesterday, the general pace was not bad and we know exactly the direction to take in order to improve. This is the reason why I’m convinced that we can be stronger in a few weeks’ time in Barcelona.”

JEV – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be in my computer room, updating my resume. I’m going to have ‘Paths of Glory’ on the TV, volume off, and the Leonard Cohen-read audio book of ‘Being and Nothingness’ playing on a sad, old boombox. I’ll be wasted on absinthe and just mashing the keys of the keyboard with my drunken fists but, it’ll be an update!”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, DNF

“We started by losing fourth gear but it got worse and essentially we lost all gears. It’s the first time we’ve had a problem like this so we’ll have to understand what happened. It had been quite nice in the race as we’d been fighting for ninth position so we were in the points, which is a good improvement from before. We didn’t make it to the end of the race today but let’s hope we finish in the points in Barcelona.”

GRO – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be passed out on JEV’s couch.”

Pastor Maldonado, 14th
“Today wasn’t my best race ever but we finished. My pace wasn’t fantastic but at least we moved forwards and I pushed as hard as I could. We will look at the data as we seemed to lack pace on the straights which made it difficult to overtake and also difficult to defend. It will be nice to have a race weekend without any problems, and that’s what we are all working for when we head to Europe.”

MAL – “Life really is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes I just stare at the chocolates when I should be watching the road. When I hit things, it’s a really great chance to eat all the chocolates.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 17th

“I had a good fight with Kobayashi throughout the race and I’m very happy to be leaving China having finished ahead of him. This was my first straightforward race of the season so far and it is a big relief I have to say. The start was good and I got ahead of Kamui off the line but he regained position quite quickly. I stuck with him until the second stint when with Maldonado between us I dropped back a little but then I caught up again and we continued to enjoy a good battle. When he stopped for a third time for the option tyre we saw the opportunity to manage my tyres and stay out to get ahead. On new option tyres he was catching quite quickly and I had to work really hard to keep in front and not lose the place. Unfortunately, he caught me with only two corners left but in the end we keep the position, so I’m happy and have a good feeling with which to end the first long haul rounds of the season.”

BIA – “Everything is relative.”

Max Chilton, 19th
“It was a tough race but I’m pleased to have passed and kept Ericsson behind me and, of course, to secure my 23rd consecutive finish. The start went well – I got past a couple of cars actually – and the car felt good in that early stint. On the medium tyre I struggled a bit more with the balance and we changed the strategy, before changing back at the end when we pitted for a third time, basically to ensure that we were not going to be subject to a late charge by Ericsson on fresh rubber. A good race and a nice way to head into the start of the European season.”

CHI – “GUYS! GUYS! 23 STRAIGHT! WOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!! JULES WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME ANYMORE!!!! IT’S OK: HE’S FRENCH! GUYS! THE TYRES! WE HAD TO CHANGE STRATEGY, LIKE, DURING THE RACE!!! IT WAS FUCKING INTENSE!!!!!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!

McLaren
Jenson Button, 11th

“It was pretty difficult out there. It felt a little bit like qualifying yesterday: we just couldn’t get the front tyres working – they just grained. We’ve got a few upgrades for the next grand prix, in Barcelona, but they won’t be enough to close our performance gap to the fastest cars. But the guys are doing their best, and a result like this is disappointing for everyone, especially for the mechanics and the guys back at the factory, because they’ve all been working so hard.”

BUT – I’m so fucking depressed, I can’t even work up the energy to use the word ‘reckon’. This is fucked. Even fucking Perez flipping me off is ok: at least it makes me feel something, you know? Someone handed me a dictionary after the race and the page with the word ‘resignation’ on it was bookmarked and next to ‘resignation’, there was a GIF of me, doing this interview; inside that GIF, was another GIF of me, doing this interview; inside that GIF was another GIF of me, doin. . . . . OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!” 

Kevin Magnussen, 13th
“It felt like a long race, because there wasn’t much I could do out there. Our car lacks downforce – that’s its main problem. The way it’s set up, and how it feels, has always been positive; it’s just low on grip, that’s all. So, clearly, we need to work as hard as we can to create that missing downforce. I know the guys back in Woking are doing their best, and I have faith that they’ll deliver that downforce before too long.”

MAG – “It did feel long. It felt like fucking forever. Every. Fucking. Lap. Fucking Perez and his sarcastic, pouty-lipped, sad-face laughing at us. Twisting his fists at the sides of his eyes, making the baby crying ‘wah! wah!’ noise and fucking laughing his ass off and driving away in his fucking Force India??!!! Yes: delivering downforce before too long. How long is ‘long’? Fucking eternity. How many more races do we have? 15??!! Fuck.”

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“Our car isn’t competitive enough, we know that, its deficiencies mostly the consequence of insufficient downforce. Furthermore, the Shanghai circuit is front-limited – in other words it punishes lack of front-end grip. That being the case, the fact that we’ve been unable to get sufficient heat into our front tyres in the chilly weather conditions we’ve experienced this weekend has further compromised our performance here. There’s a three-week gap between now and the Spanish Grand Prix, and we’ll work flat-out between now and then in an effort to address our car’s shortcomings. We know what we have to do, and we’ll work night and day to do it.”

Boullier – “I keep having this nightmare where I’m still at Lotus, but it’s not really Lotus, but it’s kind of Lotus.”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 7th

“It was a good race for me despite some hard contact at the start which cost me a few positions. I also had to drive the whole race without telemetry which isn’t the easiest thing to do. We made progress over the whole weekend which is good. It’s great to make steps forward and we are looking to do the same in Spain in a three weeks’ time.”

BOT – “I had no telemetry either, Nico. At least I wasn’t a little bitch about it.”

Felipe Massa, 15th
“I had another great start today and we were fighting at the top. I felt some contact with Fernando but luckily the car wasn’t damaged so I could carry on. There was a mistake at the first pitstop and that effectively lost me the race as I came back out on track in last position. It is a frustrating situation and something we need to work on to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. We have time now to work hard and improve the car for Spain.”

MAS – “You know, if Bernie’s gonna do stupid shit like double points for whatever race, could we do some bonus scoring for FUCKING STARTING LIKE A DUDE’S SHOT FROM A CANNON, please? So, to recap: start like a mo-fo; race like a mo-fo; finish like a mo-fo. All we need to work on, then, is GETTING THE FUCKING TIRES ON THE FUCKING CAR FUCKING CORRECTLY. Jesus fucking CHRIST!”

Rob Smedley, Williams head of vehicle performance
“It’s bittersweet really as the car was quick. We had a good strategy and the team worked well together. It’s a real shame for Felipe and the whole team about the pitstop and it is something that we need to investigate to ensure it doesn’t happen again, as it cost us points today. To have one car in the top ten shows that we have the pace and that gives us continued optimism, so we will take the positives forward to Spain.”

Smedley – “We’ve tried praying. We’ve tried group therapy. We’ve tried sacrificing chickens. We’ve tried sacrificing goats. We’ve tried burning incense. We’ve had Felipe stop masturbating. Nothing fucking works. Dude’s cursed. We might as well hire fucking Webber at this point.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez, 16th

“It was a very complicated race in terms of tyre management. With these kind of temperatures the prime tyres were not really working for us. We had to do a three stop strategy, which ended up as a disadvantage for us. With our current pace we could not have higher expectations in terms of our results. I have total faith in my team, everybody is putting their best efforts into everything. I believe that Barcelona is the place where we can recover, make a step forward and fight for better positions and points.”

GUT – “Yeah, if we had run a two-stop, I coulda come in 15th. At least fucking Pastor stayed away from me. The little ‘message’ I had my cabrones send him must’ve worked. Getting a box full of tamales stuffed with human fingers will do that for a guy.”

Adrian Sutil, DNF
“Unfortunately it was a very short race for me. During the formation lap I already had problems. As it was a quite slow formation lap, I was not able to identify what the problem was. I just realised the engine was not working properly. At the start I had almost no power. Going into the first corner I noticed there was a problem with the engine. I lost a lot of positions during the first lap and fell back to last. I did a few more laps, but then went back to the pits. The team tried to solve the issue, but we could not do it quickly. I had to retire. However, I am still positive and looking forward.”

SUT – “Who’s a guy gotta blow to not DNF around here?! Seriously, point out the cock and I’m on that shit. I seriously have to stop hanging out with, um, myself? Fuck.”

Force India
Nico Hulkenberg, 6th

“Finishing in sixth and bringing both cars home in the points again was a very positive result for the team. It was actually a pretty straightforward race for me after we got in front of Massa: I had to manage my tyres, my pace and avoid mistakes, and it only got tricky at the end when Bottas was getting a bit closer. We have beaten all other customer Mercedes cars, which are our main competition at the moment, but we have also seen some other teams up their game so we will need to keep pushing.”

HUL – “Is it appropriate to keep walking past the Ferrari garage and do a little dance where I stick my ass way out and point at it and sing, ‘You coulda had this assss! Yooouuu coulddaaaa had this asssss. But you don’t! No, no, you dooon’t!’? I do that until Kimi starts whipping vodka bottles at me. It’s awesome.”

Sergio Perez, 9th
“To start from P16 and finish in ninth place is a good recovery after a difficult qualifying session yesterday. I made a good start and after that I just focused on making the two-stop strategy work. I think everybody suffered with tyre graining and I picked up a few flat spots, but we still made it work. It was not easy to overtake today, even the cars on a different strategy, so I think ninth place was the maximum. It means I’ve scored points in three out of four races, but I was hoping for more today after the weekend we had in Bahrain. It’s also clear that all the teams around us are finding pace so we have to keep working hard to be ready for Barcelona.”

PER – “Oh my god, my hands are fucking killing me from flipping off McLaren so much. I think I’m just going to have some gloves made that have the middle finger up all the time ’cause, seriously: all you fuckers can fuck the hell off. Force India is owning all your asses!” 

Red Bull
Daniel Ricciardo, 4th

“I started on the dirty side of the grid and had quite a poor getaway; I was spinning up on the line a bit too long and lost the two places. From then on however, I thought the race was good! With Seb, we were racing and you always want to hold on to your position, but the team radioed and he let me through. I did what I could after each stop and we improved the car; at the end I was doing all I could to catch Alonso and I think we got to within a couple of seconds of him as we went over the line. It’s going well with the team, I feel comfortable here and I did the best I could today. I really want that podium and we’re getting close!”

RIC – “What people don’t know is that I never stop smiling like this. Nev-VER. ‘Sure, Seb!’, I say. And I smile. ‘Right away, Seb!’, I say. And I smile. Now I just smile and kind of glance at Seb and he brings me a coffee. ‘Thanks Seb!’ I smile and he asks me if I want anything else. When he was all ‘Tough luck’ on the radio, I knew he could picture me smiling that smile inside my helmet. 30 seconds later, he pulls over to let me by. Nobody saw this, but he also stopped and brewed me some coffee. I like smiling.”

Sebastian Vettel, 5th (Fixed that typo for you, formula1.com. You’re welcome)
“I moved over for Daniel once I knew that we were on different strategies. When I was first asked, I didn’t understand as we were on the same tyre, unlike in Bahrain, so I double checked. When the team said we were on a different strategy, I moved over and then, as the race went on, I saw more and more that I didn’t have the pace. There was no point in holding Dan back. I’m not yet where I want to be with the car, but it’s an on-going process; hopefully at the next few races we will make some more steps in the right direction. Our weakness isn’t in the corners, but on the straights. The first stint today was okay but after that I’m not sure what happened.”

VET- “Has anyone seen Daniel? Does he want coffee? I have this coffee for him.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 1st

“The team have done an amazing job and all the hard work both here and at the factory is really paying off at the moment. This car is just unbelievable; in the final laps, I was pushing a little bit more to keep up the tyre temperatures and it just felt great to drive. I’m so, so happy today. We had to make a lot of changes after P2 in terms of the set-up of the car but after it rained on Saturday, we didn’t know exactly how it would go today. There was a lot of hard work done, sitting down with the engineers so that we didn’t guess anything and just made the right steps in anticipation for today. I really want to give a big shout-out to the team in Brackley and Brixworth for embracing me last year, for building this amazing car and engine and for continuously pushing forward with so much positive energy in 2014. We are definitely on a roll right now; I’m working hard, the team is working hard and we just want to improve even further when we get back to Europe.”

HAM – “I just wish everyone could feel how I feel right now. It’s so awesome. It’s really too bad that you can’t, you know, be me right now, because being me right now is so totally awesome. I love that everything is going great for the team as a by-product of everything going awesomely for me. I love helping people and the team. Especially when it’s me, helping, so awesomely. Not too much longer and I should be able to heal people just by laying hands on them. Hashtag Bless.” 

Nico Rosberg, 2nd
“That was not a perfect weekend for me. Too many things went wrong, beginning with a technical problem and a less than perfect job from me in qualifying. Today I didn’t have any telemetry, so there was no communication from the car to the pits. My engineers couldn’t see what was going on in my car and therefore they couldn’t set up my clutch for the start. The clutch was completely on the wrong place, which is why I had a really bad start. I had some contact with Bottas in Turn 1 and I thought that was it. Luckily my car wasn’t damaged and in the following laps the pace in the car seemed good, which meant I was able to climb some positions. To finish second in the end, on a weekend of damage limitation, is great. I collected some important points again, which makes me happy. It’s great to go back to Europe with the lead in the Championship. In Barcelona, the aim will be to have a normal weekend and be back in first place. It was again an amazing team result and the whole team can be very proud. Congratulations to Lewis on a fantastic weekend.”

ROS – “How long can you talk between gritted teeth, like, really gritted, until it’s, like, bad for you? Is it bad that I can hear my teeth cracking under the pressure of fake-smiling for Hammy? Fucker keeps coming up to me and putting his hands on me, closing his eyes and yelling, ‘HEAL-DUH!’ and then asking if I feel faster. Yeah, in Barcelona, I hope we have a normal weekend. And by ‘normal’, I mean, ME fucking WINNING the fucking race! That’s what’s normal! Gah!”

Ferrari

Fernando Alonso, 3rd
“After a difficult start to the season, this podium is a confidence boost for the whole team, providing extra motivation for all those who are doing their best to close the gap to the front. And I think this podium should be dedicated to Stefano, as everything we do up to July will also be the result of his efforts. We have definitely made a step forward, because compared to two weeks ago, we have partly closed the gap to the leaders, but we are well aware there’s still a long way to go and we have to keep our feet on the ground. In general, this has been a good weekend for me, as everything went well right from Friday, although the rain made qualifying more complicated than expected. I was on the limit all race long and I really don’t think I could have done any more. This is quite a unique track of its kind and now we must make the most of the long break before the next race to prepare as well as possible for whatever situation arises.”

ALO – “I heard the cries of my people: ‘Alonso! Alonso! You must do better so that Dasha is on our TV screens!’ So I said, ‘Fuck this car and fuck whomever you fire or don’t fire: fire everybody! Give me a Marussia! For you, my people who need pictures of Dasha on your TV, I will win! I. Will. Win.’ So I slammed, like, this big tumbler full of Enzo-Grappa and, hey, what can I say? Third: this car’s a piece of shit. Yo, nobody tell Mattiacci about the Enzo-Grappa! There’s barely enough for Kimi and I as it is!”

Kimi Raikkonen, 8th
“This has been a really difficult weekend. Right from Friday morning, I suffered with problems that we didn’t manage to solve completely and today in the race, I couldn’t get the result I wanted. The start was good, I made up two places but then I couldn’t make up any more ground, as I just didn’t have the pace, nor much grip at the front or the back. In the final stint on new tyres, the car handled better, but then, as the tyres degraded the situation got complicated again. I think the difficulties I encountered here stem from a combination of various factors, from my driving style combined with the low temperatures and the characteristics of the track. Today, we brought home valuable points thanks to the intense efforts of the whole team and now we will continue to work ceaselessly to improve. Fernando’s result is very encouraging and proves we are moving in the right direction.”

RAI – “I think ‘Nando switched out my Enzo-Grappa/vodka cocktail with all-vodka, which is fine, but daddy needs his Enzo-Grappa just will this car into the points. Of course, one arm is pretty sore from throwing all those vodka bottles at The Hulk. That couldn’t have helped shit. Fuck, maybe we just need to fire some more people.”

Caterham

Kamui Kobayashi, 18th
“Finishing 18th isn’t the final position we’d want, but after a really good battle with Jules I’m relatively pleased with how today’s race went. However, it’s a real shame that my move on him on the last lap now doesn’t count. We stuck to the original three stop strategy and that gave us a few interesting moments, particularly with Vettel who I was told I could pass as he was fuel saving and on old tyres and I was on new softs on the third stint. I hear he wasn’t too pleased about that but relative to him I had the pace then to immediately pull away and did so to avoid compromising our plan. Even though we had good race with Maldonado for the first third of the race it’s clear we don’t have the outright pace to fight Lotus or Sauber yet, but we have a good package coming for Spain and we are determined to try and close the gap. The first four races have been hard, but having both cars finish today shows the progress we and Renault have made with reliability. Now we have to build on that and use the next couple of weeks to recharge ourselves so we can come back stronger in Barcelona.”

Marcus Ericsson, 20th
“For me the whole race was dominated by understeer. On every set of tyres the balance just wasn’t there and that meant I couldn’t really push at all. It’s good that we got to the end of the race, but if I hadn’t had that understeer I’m sure I’d have been quicker. I just couldn’t push any more than I was. It was the same for the third and fourth stints which we did on softs but by that point I was pretty much on my own so just focused on getting to the end of the race. This is obviously the last of the early season flyaways and when we start the European season in Spain it’ll be back at a track I know really well. As a rookie that’s obviously good for me and with the amount of time I’ll be in the factory and in the simulator between now and then, and with the new parts we have coming in Barcelona, I’m sure we’ll come back stronger there and ready to make progress there and in the next few races.”

KOB and ERI – “What we like to do, between races, is go riding busses and then we like to talk to the people who sit next to us about all the things that happen to us and all the things that we see and all the things that some of our cousins do. Some of our cousins have friends and they do things and see things and things happen to them, too, so we talk to the people who sit next to us on the busses about those things, too. Sometimes we see dogs or other animals that are funny looking or doing funny things or surprising things. We see them in real life or on the internet and we tell the people sitting next to us about those things until those people find somewhere else to sit or start pulling on the ‘stop’ rope and shouting, ‘This is my stop! This is my stop!’. Then, someone else sits down where that person was sitting and we tell our new friend, sitting next to us, about all the things we see and do and that’s how we practice for these post-race interviews.”

2014 Malaysian Grand Prix GIF Report

Sebastian Vettel

After Qualifying (excluding his little cock up in Q3, of course):

After the race:

Reaction GIF: clapping, Patrick Stewart, Star Trek

Daniel Ricciardo

Reaction GIF: fuck this shit, angry, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Lewis Hamilton

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, dance, Brad Pitt, Burn After Reading

Nico Rosberg
 Reaction GIF: wink, Tom Selleck, Magnum, P.I.

Fernando Alonso
 Reaction GIF: clapping, sad, nod, agreeing

 Nico Hulkenberg

Reaction GIF: smile, yes, oh snap, nod, approval, nice, Christian Bale, American Psycho

 

Jenson Button
 Reaction GIF: not bad, agreeing, Kobe Bryant

 

Felipe Massa
Reaction GIF: fuck you, laugh, Fred Rogers

 

Valtteri Bottas
Reaction GIF: what the fuck?
Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: okay, Jon Hamm
Daniil Kvyat
Reaction GIF: agreeing, not bad, Joel McHale, Community

 

Romain Grosjean
Reaction GIF: no, Jake Gyllenhaal

 

Kimi Raikkonen
Reaction GIF: fuck you, Ken Jeong, The Hangover

 

Kamui Kobayashi
Reaction GIF: what?, yes, nod, thumbs up, Emma Watson
Marcus Ericsson
Reaction GIF: nod, yes, contemplating, agreeing, Jack Black, Nacho Libre

 

Max Chilton
Reaction GIF: whoa

 

Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: okay, tell me more
Reaction GIF: stare, Samuel L. Jackson, Black Snake Moan

 

Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: disappointed, stare, waiting, Christina Hendricks, Joan Holloway, Mad Men
Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: contemplating, Larry David

 

Jean Eric Vergne
Reaction GIF: disappointed, despair
Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: no, José Mourinho
Sergio Perez
Reaction GIF: facepalm, Star Trek

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2014 Australian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

This is not metaphorical! I repeat: THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR!

Mercedes

Nico Rosberg, 1st 
“That was an incredible day for us. To start the season with a win is unbelievable and I have to say a big thank you to everybody who was involved in building our car over the winter. I always dreamed of having such a strong Silver Arrow and now it seems we are there. In the race, everything went perfectly for me. My start was great and I was able to push from there until the end, with our fuel consumption well under control. However, despite our success today, we also know that there is still some work to do. We saw over the weekend that reliability is still a concern and it prevented us from having a strong two-car finish. We have two weeks to improve that. I am very much looking forward to Malaysia and I would love to race again tomorrow!”

ROS – “No, seriously: Can I live in my car? I fucking love my fucking car so much right now. My only real problem is, like, this is a real concern, ok? So, um, can you, like, get dehydrated, um, from, ahh, fucking ejaculating too much? No, really. I’m serious you guys! I mean, first of all, Hammy DNFs, right? Pow! Right in my pants. The VETBot 2000 DNFs: Ungh-uhhhh! Mess in my pants. Then I go all VETBot 2000 on the field, leading by some ridiculous margin: Sploosh! Again, in my pants. Dudes, like, by the time I got out of my car at the garage, not only were my penis-angels exhausted, it felt like my boots were made of sponges. So, um, yeah any feedback on the dehydration issue might be helpful. Hammy, how was your race? Oh! I just came again.”

Lewis Hamilton, DNF
“My start didn’t feel great today and I had a lot less power than usual when pulling away, so it was obvious immediately that something was wrong. It looks like we only had five cylinders firing and, while I wanted to keep going, we had to play safe and save the engine. It’s unfortunate but that’s racing and we will recover from this. We have a great car and engine, and the pace was really strong today as Nico clearly showed. Big congratulations to him and the team for achieving the win, it’s a fantastic result for us. Of course I’m disappointed with my own race and when I think about all the work that has gone on back at our factories, it’s tough to have a costly hiccup. However we have achieved an incredible amount to get here, to be at the front and to be so competitive; we will bounce back and learn from this. There is a very long way to go this season.”

HAM – “Anybody who doesn’t think I am totally full of shit should take one look at my Twitter feed. After today – what was essentially a confirmation that, even with all the praying and bullshit “blessed” hashtags, there is no fucking God – I should be tweeting fucking “blessed” hashtags and pictures of Coco chewing on her crucifix-shaped doggie toy and talking to everyone about how right now, in the sand, there’s only one set of footprints and that’s God carrying me. I should be tweeting all that shit. What am I tweeting? Fucking crickets. Not even Haribo tweets. There is no god. I hate my life.”

Toto Wolff, Mercedes team executive director
“It was a day of light and shadow for us. Nico did a perfect job this afternoon: a great start and a really controlled drive all the way to the final lap. He delivered the car’s performance how he needed to, when he needed to, and took a very composed and deserved victory. On the other side, we were disappointed to lose Lewis so early after a misfiring cylinder forced him to retire. He had done everything right this weekend until that point and it was a situation beyond his control. We know that reliability will be crucial to this long season and we will be working hard to improve the situation for the race in Malaysia. Finally, this victory has a very special meaning for us, too. I would like to dedicate it to Michael, who has been in all our thoughts this weekend. He will keep fighting, as only he knows how, and we are sending all our strength to him today.”

Wolff – “Whoops! We gave Hammy Webber’s old car!”

Sauber
Adrian Sutil, 12th

“It was an exciting race, and especially the start, but luckily I went through without any incidents. We had a few issues with the powertrain during the first stint, but after the pit stop that improved. Nevertheless this cost us a lot of time that we couldn’t recover. I was on a two-stop strategy, but we switched to a one stop because of the safety car. This could have worked well, but the safety car phase didn’t help us. In addition we were simply too slow, but we managed to finish the race, which was our goal. We came close to the points, but we need to improve our speed. There is a lot of data now to analyse and we can only improve. I hope that we will progress quickly.”

SUT – “Wait, I thought I left Force India. Fuck.”

Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“It was a different kind of racing today, but definitely something we take as a reference. In general we are missing speed and it’s a challenge to be able to compete at the front like this. As a team, we need to make sure we put everything together because the lack of speed we have on the straight is quite significant. However, we can be very happy that we both finished the race today. This means a step forward for the team and its reliability.”

GUT – “Can we go back to Jerez and do some more pre-season stuff where we kinda rocked it?”

Force India
Nico Hulkenberg, 7th

“Seventh place is a positive way to start the season. I was very happy to see the chequered flag – the first time I’ve done so in Melbourne – and it’s important to score some good points early on. I made a strong start and enjoyed good track position for the first two stints when I was running up in fourth. The only real issue I had was some front left graining on the soft tyres, which never really cleared up and that compromised my first two stints. It was a shame to lose two positions at my second stop [to Button and Alonso] but it looks like some of the cars around us have a bit more pace at the moment. I want to thank the team for the amazing job they’ve done over the winter and this weekend to get us to this point. It’s been a great effort and it’s nice to reward everyone with some points at the first race.”

HUL – “I’m here! I might be kinda fast! Get used to it!”

Sergio Perez, 11th
“I’m satisfied to finish the race, but disappointed not to score points. My race became very difficult on lap one when I got hit by the Sauber of Gutierrez at turn three. It gave me a puncture and I had to return to the pits very slowly, which dropped me to the back of the pack. After that I just tried to keep a consistent pace on the medium tyres and I was quite fortunate that the safety car came out, which helped me recover some positions. Points were close, but my progress was hurt by being stuck behind the Sauber of Adrian for such a long time. It’s positive to finish the race because it gives the team lots of information and hopefully that will make us stronger for Malaysia.”

PER – “Oh, sure, the fuckers at McLaren fire the Mexican and then spend the off-season developing a car that can actually go, uh, like, fast? I spent all of last season drinking away the the pain of driving my Estrella de Oro pontoon boat of a car and now Jensen backdoors it into third with an actual, fast car?! What the FUCK, people?! Anyway, mad props to Force India for putting me in a car that is exactly as fast as the fabled fucking McLaren I had last year. Now, where did I put my michelada?”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 9th

“This is obviously a good result, even though the car was very difficult to drive. We had problems with the brakes which made us lose a lot of time but at the end we are all satisfied to finish the race with two cars in the points. I’m very pleased with the overall three points especially for the team, more than for myself. After a long difficult time and so much hard work this winter, this is a great relief for all the guys in the garage and it’s nice for us drivers to be able to give them something back. It looks like things are turning well and hopefully it will always be better from now on. As for my mistake in the last corner, I was trying to defend myself from Mercedes, looking for the best line to get a good exit, but I went on the grass and I was lucky enough not to spin the car. It’s really a shame but it’s just the first race and I’m sure we will have plenty of opportunities to score more points. Overall, it’s a good result today.”

VER – “Holt shit! We finished! The Renault made it to the finish! Did anyone expect that, really? I didn’t. Shit, I figured I’d be hanging my balls in the pool with the VetBot2000 after a few laps. But, hey: points! That’s more than the VetBot2000 got or, heh, even Daniel. Heh.”

Daniil Kvyat, 10th
“It was a very intense afternoon and finishing my first race with a point is a great feeling. It was a fantastic first Grand Prix weekend with the team, everyone worked really hard and scoring points was a great way to end it. So well done to everyone! The start was a bit messy, but after that I managed to get into a rhythm and the car seemed competitive compared to those around us. It was close at the end with Jev, but I had to save fuel towards the end, so I was not going to attack him. I never expected to score a point in my first race, so it feels amazing. It’s a real boost for us and now we have to keep on working hard and if we keep on the way we are going, then we can look forward to a really positive season.”

KVY – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the back, whacking off to a giant pile of crude-soaked rubles.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, DNF

“In a way, it was a pretty positive day. I expected to do around 15 to 20 laps in the race after all the issues we’ve had this weekend, and we managed 45! We’ve learnt a lot today and all the changes made to the car have been positive. We still have a long way to go, but at least I know more about tyre usage, all my engineers know where we need to improve with the chassis, and we’ve learnt a lot about aero balance and fuel consumption. Of course there’s more to do with the energy management and recovery and some work yet with the braking. We’ve still got lots of work to do, but we’re definitely heading in the right direction.”

GRO – “In a way, it was a positive day. . . .If you ignore the fact that the car sucks, that I’m teammates with Pastor Fucking Maldonado, that Boullier has left me behind, that I’m French. . . . Oh, fuck, this wasn’t a positive day at all. Not at all. No, seriously, am I in some F1-themed Camus novel? Hah-ha. Ok, this shit ain’t funny.”

Pastor Maldonado, DNF
“It was obviously very disappointing, but if you look at the positives we did more laps than in the pre-season which is quite encouraging as we have more data which is very important for making progress. We had a very negative free practice but we did plenty of laps during the race which is very positive for the team. I’m looking forward to the next race and we’ll keep pushing.”

MAL – “Bright side: I didn’t hit anybody!”

Federico Gastaldi, Lotus deputy team principal
“Though the results do not show it, everyone in the team has done a fantastic job in very challenging circumstances. Both our cars finished with problems related to the same MGU-K component so we and Renault F1 Sport both know where we have to focus for our improvements heading to Malaysia. It’s clear we also have other improvements to make, but the team spirit and resolve has not diminished. We know what we have to do and we will do it.”

Alan Permane, Lotus trackside operations director
“In simple terms, we’ve finished a disappointing weekend with a disappointing race, with neither car finishing. However the 45 laps completed by Romain’s car is the longest run completed by the E22 and while we accept we’re way behind, we’re working hard to catch up. It’s not the way we want to go racing. We need to make a big leap forward in Malaysia and we’re working every hour to ensure we make this leap. I’m very sure and very confident that we’ll see a big improvement in two weeks’ time.”

Julien Barbieux, Renault Sport F1 team support leader
“After such a difficult built up to the race it was some sort of plus to get two cars to just under half distance, but shows we are still not at the level we want. We have struggled all weekend to find the right balance between reliability and performance, but we seemed to turn a corner today and Pastor and Romain were both on the pace of the top 10. Unfortunately both drivers suffered from a malfunctioning MGU-K and were forced to retire. We’ve learnt a huge amount from the running as it was the first time we have completed a longer run on both cars. We have improved operationally and there will be a huge combined effort from Viry and Enstone to improve on this performance in Malaysia and get closer to the full potential of the car.”

Barbieux, Permane, Gastaldi – “Does anybody have an extra can of turd polish around? We’ve already burned through ours. Maybe McLaren has some left from last year. Fuck.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 14th

“Today’s race was by no means perfect but we have started the season with a two-car finish, and on my side a 14th place as well, so we have to be pleased with that. The start was obviously extremely concerning. I was on the grid preparing for the formation lap with the usual procedures and suddenly everything just cut out. At that point I was worried that my race was already over, but the team did a fantastic job to push me off the grid and back to the garage where they reset the car and I was able to start the race from the pit lane. From that point on I knew we had an important job to do to get the car home, but at the same time do the hard work to we needed to be able to evaluate the car over a race distance. It was quite pleasing to be able to catch Ericsson in the process. We’ve learned an awful lot today that will stand us in good stead as we prepare for the next race in Malaysia and also to start developing the car for the longer term. After a tough time in testing when we did not achieve all the mileage we had hoped for, it’s good to take home a 14th place finish from the first race of the season. It’s a nice reward for all the hard work across the whole team.”

CHI – “14TH! FINISHED! AGAIN! YOU GUYS! HOW ARE NOT LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF THIS!? I PASSED SOME DUDES! SURE, SURE: HIS CAR WAS NOT REALLY RUNNING WHEN I PASSED HIM. . . BUT, HEY, A PASS IS A PASS, RIGHT? WOO-HOOOOO! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!”

Jules Bianchi, NC
“The problem at the start was really quite worrying and I did not expect to be able to race, but the team got me to the garage and fought hard to get me back on track. I was six laps down when I did rejoin and of course I was never going to recover from that, but that was not the point. Being in the race – and finishing it – enabled us to gather the maximum amount of information and test various strategies for maximising the power unit. In many ways it was more like a test than a race for me, which was far from ideal, but as is the case in testing, the mileage was important and this will be crucial for the engineers to start moving us forward. Hopefully I will be able to benefit from this next time around. I am pleased that we have some reward for all the hard work and we look forward to better things in Malaysia.”

BIA – “Mr. Consistency over there finished another fucking race and I get to do some test laps in Australia. If I have to look at that big smile and that goddamned spikey, happy hair again, I’m going slap his lucky bagpipes over his ‘heed’ and play that shit until he bleeds haggis out his ass.”

Caterham

Kamui Kobayashi, DNF
“That isn’t how I wanted my first race back to go, and I’m sorry for the team and for Felipe (Massa) that both our races ended early. I had a really good start but then into turn one I made contact with Felipe. From the initial data it looked like I had a brake system issue which obviously meant I couldn’t do much about the contact and when we got the car back and looked at the information in much more detail it was clear that was the problem. After the race I went to the stewards and they went through the data from the car and confirmed this was the case. We’ll have a close look at what caused that problem and make sure we fix it.

“It’s been a tough weekend for us, but we still have a lot more data that will help us keep improving, and the really positive thing is that we were still quite competitive, even with the issues we had on Friday. Race two is Malaysia, one of our team’s home races, and we’ll keep pushing there, just as we will all weekend.”

KOB – “Man, I hope that Felipe understands that I was merely the vehicle for God’s hatred of him.”

Marcus Ericsson, DNF
“Even though my first race in F1 ended with a DNF I’m still proud of the way we fought today. It’s been a very difficult weekend overall, one of the hardest in my whole career, but we still showed a bit of the potential we have in the first laps of the first stint when I passed Sutil and was running well in twelfth. My first ever live pit stop a Grand Prix went really well but then unfortunately an oil pressure problem forced us to stop – we don’t know what caused that yet but if we hadn’t had that I think we’d have finished ahead of the Marussias as I was pretty comfortable ahead of Chilton until the issue.

“Friday was tough, obviously, but we had a better Saturday and then today we started to show some of the race pace this car has. For the last few laps of the first stint I was driving with pretty flat spotted tyres but the rear was still behaving well and the Power Unit felt good. That’s encouraging for the next race in Malaysia which is on a track I’ve raced at before and one I like, so I’m leaving Australia in a positive frame of mind and just want to get on with it again as soon as possible!”

ERI – “Fucking Chilton fucking ‘Woooo-hooooooooo’ing’ as he passed me. Is it going to be like this all fucking season?”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 6th 

“The car performed very well today which is looking encouraging for the season ahead, and on the whole as a team we can be pleased that we have made a good step forward from last season. I’m a little disappointed with myself because I was pushing a bit too hard and hit the wall which caused a puncture and put me back a long way. I spent the rest of the race trying to make up for that mistake and managed to make some good overtakes, but I need to learn from this and make sure it doesn’t happen again. It felt great to be able to race hard with people around me and I want to say a big thank you to the race team and everyone back at Grove and Brixworth who have done a great job with this car. We should have finished higher today than we did with the pace we had and I’m looking forward to seeing what we can do in Malaysia.”

BOT – Oh my god! I hadn’t realized how much of my energy was being spent, helping Pastor with his math and reading questions! Freed from that responsibility, I’m like a singing bird; a blossom in the Finnish Spring! In fact, when I hit that wall, I was humming a little tune to myself, so much was joy filling my heart. Now I just have to get used to Felipe, shouting all the time at the sky, ‘WHY, GOD, WHHHY?’ and everything should be fine. Anything’s better than Pastor, walking around, asking everybody about the lyrics to ‘Sabotage’.”

Felipe Massa, DNF
“I’m obviously very disappointed as I had the sort of car capable of challenging for a podium today, but the incident in the first corner ruined my race. I tried to have a calm start and not take any risks, but was hit from behind after Kobayashi braked too late and there was nothing I could do to avoid being taken out of the race. It’s a shame but there are a lot of positive things that the team can take from this weekend in terms of pace and reliability, so I’m just thinking about the next race and having a strong result there.”

MAS – “Everybody sees Charlie Brown as a metaphor. Fuck. The only thing I’m missing is a goddamned smartassed Beagle and a best friend who carries a blanket around all the time. Funnily enough, my shrink’s name is Lucy. I think I will go cry to her now and await more of God’s malice in Malaysia.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 5th

“I’d have liked to start the season with a podium, but getting both cars to the flag is a good result, which can give us confidence, especially on the reliability front. I had some problems with the electric motor at the start and had to make a few changes from the steering wheel, but after the first ten laps everything went well. When I managed to pass Hulkenberg after the pit stop my pace was definitely better, although it was impossible to overtake. 35 seconds down on the leader is too big a gap and to work out what we need to do to close that gap, we will need to analyse the race, work out what are the strong and weak points on the car and with that in mind, the laps I did behind Nico can provide very useful information. We are a great team and I have total faith in our guys, because they did a great job today. We still have lots to learn about this new Formula One, as the race was very strange and very difficult. But it’s only the start. We must concentrate on doing better in Malaysia.”

ALO – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be over here, completely content with coming in second or third or fifth to those fuckers at Mercedes, ’cause we’re fucked as far as that goes. Just gimme my Ferrari chair and Sasha blowing me while I take big swigs off a bottle of that vodka Kimi’s been leaving around the garage and I’ll beeee juuuuuusssst fiiine.”

Kimi Raikkonen, 8th
“That wasn’t a straightforward race. At the start, I managed to get away well and even though I was hit from behind by another car at the first corner, my car was undamaged. The speed was good, but at one point I was suffering with graining on the front tyres, I had very little grip and a lot of understeer. From then on, the car’s handling was not the same. When it was time for the first stop, we had to do a double stop and that cost me a place. It’s definitely too early to make any definite judgement, because even if at the moment we don’t seem to be in great shape, we still managed to finish the race, scoring valuable points. We can’t be pleased with this result and we know there are many areas where we need to improve. But I’m sure that analysing the data from this first race will give us a clearer idea of the direction to work in.”

RAI – “In theory, this shit should be easy, but when these fuckers can’t give me a properly balanced car while I blurt out random grunts and orders through a Vodka fog, it’s like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Red car, black car: just get behind the wheel and fuck off, thank you very much. Heh, at least I got out of Lotus when I did. Damn, you couldn’t pay me to . . . Oh, wait: THEY DIDN’T FUCKING PAY ME. Ha-ha, bitches!”

Stefano Domenicali, Ferrari team principal
“The first race of the championship has provided a clear picture of the hierarchy at the start of season. It’s also shown which teams appear to have done the best job of dealing with these new regulations. Today, we achieved our objective in terms of reliability, but the gap we need to make up, especially to Mercedes, was clear to see. The information we have gathered this weekend clearly points to the direction we must take and what areas need the most work. It will be important to catch up as quickly as possible and react in the way this team has always proved capable of doing. Our engineers know what the priorities are and which areas need the most immediate attention.”

Domenicali – “Remember how, last season, we were all ‘Fucking Red Bull this and fucking Red Bull’ that? Well, just take all those quotes, switch in ‘Mercedes’ for ‘Red Bull’ and fuck off.”

Pat Fry, Ferrari chassis director
“Going into this race, getting both cars to the finish seemed like the most difficult task, but in the end, we managed it. Today we saw how reliability can never be taken for granted: it caught some people out and it also affected our performance at some stages of the race. On both the F14 Ts, we had some electrical problems, especially on Kimi’s car, which meant he couldn’t use all the car’s potential. Fernando found himself behind Hulkenberg for many laps and he was only able to show what the car was capable of once he got ahead thanks to a spot on pit stop strategy. Kimi got a great start, but then for much of the race he suffered with graining on the front tyres and thus found himself having to defend, without being able to attack. There is much work ahead if we are to improve the car’s performance. We are up against several very strong opponents, but we have all the right tools to get the job done of closing the gap between us.”

Fry – “Augh! Kimi! Don’t sic the Ice Dragons on us! We’ll make the car better! We promise!”

McLaren
Kevin Magnussen, 3rd

“It’s just fantastic to be on the podium! What happened today just feels surreal. Being on the podium in the first race of my Formula 1 career – it’s amazing. My ‘moment’ at the start was quite scary – I got on the power a bit too quickly, and nearly lost it. But the car was fantastic today – I was always able to place it exactly where I wanted, and I had the pace to fight the Red Bull. I had a bit of a go at Daniel towards the ends of the race, but didn’t quite have the speed to get past. I want to say a big congratulations to the team for doing such a good job over the winter and for working so hard to prepare me for this – it’s just crazy! Where do we go from here? Well, we need to continue improving. And I’m sure we will. I’ll try to learn as much as I can, and to carry this experience forward to Malaysia. It’s a completely different circuit, so there’s no guarantee we’ll have the sort of speed we showed here today, but I’m sure the team will keep pushing as hard as they’ve done already this year. I’m very happy, and I’m sure the guys are happy to be leading the constructors’ world championship, as indeed I am too. That’s a big boost, and the guys completely deserve it. Me? I’ll just keep pushing as hard as I can.”

MAG – “HOLY SHIT! I AM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!!!! THIS IS NUTS! WHERE’S MAX? HE WAS GOING TO SHOW ME HOW TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES SO JOYOUSLY!!!” 

Jenson Button, 4th
“It was a great drive by Kevin today – I had a lot of fun chasing him and Daniel down at the end of the race, but my tyres were several laps older than theirs, so it was always going to be tricky. Still, I had a good race – the car’s balance wasn’t quite right when I was in traffic – I struggled with understeer when I was behind people – but the car worked very well in clear air. For some reason, it seems to be more difficult to overtake now than it used to be, so we had to do it during the pit stops. During my second stop, we damaged the nose – which made it a bit cooler in the cockpit! – but the guys did a great job of putting me in the right place at the right time. When the Safety Car came out, I quickly dived into the pit lane at the last second – which gained me a couple of places. And then the second stop gained me a couple more. They were both great calls. As a team, I think we can be very proud of the job we did today. I don’t think we expected to be leading the constructors’ world championship at the end of this weekend, but I think the pace in the car is generally there: in clear air, we seem capable of fighting every team except one. I’m really looking forward to getting back in the car in Malaysia. It’s been an emotional day for me, but it’s been great to have my sister, my fiancée and lots of friends around me, so that definitely helped.”

BUT – “Yep, and I’m hot. Really hot.”

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“To be in first place in the constructors’ world championship is a very nice feeling, but let’s not forget that today’s race was only the first of 19, and I’ll be a lot happier if we’re still in first place in the constructors’ world championship after the 19th race! Having said that, I’m not making any predictions, and it’s clear that we’ve got a lot of work to do in order to close the performance gap between our car and the fastest car. Kevin scored 18 of the 33 constructors’ world championship points we racked up today, Jenson 15, and both guys drove superbly. Indeed, Kevin’s drive was one of the finest performances by a Formula 1 rookie in living memory. Despite his youth and inexperience, he drove like a man who’d notched up 100 grands prix already. It was a complex and challenging race, yet he managed those complexities and challenges faultlessly. Jenson recovered skilfully from his disappointing qualifying result, which was the result of his not being able to put in a final quick lap owing to inopportune yellow flags, and drove the sort of measured yet combative race that he’s become famous for. Finally, I want to give a huge amount of credit to the guys, not only here in Melbourne but also in Woking and Brixworth, who have done such sterling work to deliver such a solid and reliable car for Kevin and Jenson to race here today. Our next stop is Malaysia, which will be hot and hard. But we’re ready for the challenge.”

Boullier – “Well, I don’t know. Kimi won’t talk to anybody and there are Vodka bottles every where and Romain is just nuts and we’re out of money so, fuck, I don’t kno . . . . . . What? What’s that? I don’t work at Lotus anymore? I work at McLaren?! What? And McLaren doesn’t suck this year? OhhhhhHHhhhh. Sorry: I just came in my pants.”