2014 Bahrain Grand Prix Drivers’ Post-Qualifying Quotes, Translated

I’m just so glad I don’t believe in God, like Hammy, ’cause at least I just have to live with Marko’s hate and not God’s, like Hammy.

Mercedes
Nico Rosberg (1st, Q3 – 1:33.185) 

“It’s fantastic to be on pole again here in Bahrain. I really enjoy the track and I won my GP2 Series title here so it has some pretty special memories for me. We’ve had a good weekend so far and I’ve been able improve my pace throughout the practice sessions so I was hoping for a strong qualifying. It’s so difficult to get everything completely right with all the new technology and set-up requirements on the car but I felt really comfortable this evening and was able to put some great laps together. I’m looking forward to the race as I had a good run on high fuel but we’re going to need to be careful with tyre degradation.”

ROS – “Oh, shit! Better start hydrating! All this cum! What the hell am I going to do? There are all these weight issues: on one hand, I’m ejacualting all my water weight; on the other hand, My shoes are swelling up like loaded diapers. I almost need Hammy to beat me every other race, just so I regain normal kidney function. C’mon, Hammy!”

Lewis Hamilton (2nd, Q3 – 1:33.464)
“Second place is pretty good for us today. I made a mistake on my last lap which was a shame but it’s great for the team to have both cars on the front row. They’ve done a fantastic job this weekend with the set-up simulations and we did a lot of testing here before the season started which has helped. The car has felt good so far but I definitely felt more comfortable in practice than I did this evening in qualifying. I’m not really sure why but we’ll have a good look at the data tonight and see if there is anything we can identify before the race tomorrow. Congratulations to Nico today, he’s done a great job so far this weekend and nailed a really quick lap in qualifying. I’m happy that it’s my team-mate there on pole and not someone else!”

HAM – “Yep, we had better check the data, ’cause it couldn’t be that I was slower than Nico today. I wonder of the data will show the hand of God coming down and holding my car back for 5-hundredths of a second. I wonder if the data will have the audio of God, laughing, as he does this to me, Lewis Hamilton, Center of the Universe? Perhaps if I tweet the data. I’m just so glad it’s Nico on pole and not someone else even if that someone else is me. Really. Happy. For. Nico. Hashtag Bless.”

Paddy Lowe, Mercedes team executive director (technical)
“It’s extremely satisfying to see that our car has the performance to take both slots on the front row for the first time under these new regulations. Our pace was evident from the beginning of Q1 and it was good to watch our drivers competing so closely throughout the sessions. Nico drove a superb lap on his first run in Q3 and Lewis clearly sensed he had to push to the limit to match his team-mate. Unfortunately this lead to a mistake at the first corner but his initial lap was still good enough to maintain second. It’s been a good day and we look forward to seeing if we can match that performance in the race tomorrow.”

Lowe – “Lewis, try not to freak out over second place and fuck the shit up, right?”

Toro Rosso
Daniil Kvyat (13th, Q2 – 1:35.145)

“I am a little bit disappointed and also surprised with only making it to Q2, because we were fast enough to get into Q3 looking at how the rest of the weekend went so far. But unfortunately the others were faster and we didn’t manage to improve enough so it wasn’t a very satisfying Qualifying session. We will have a look at this tonight and hopefully we can have another strong race tomorrow.”

KVY – “I think it might be time for a visit to Renault from my jump-suited friends. They won’t do anything, really. They’ll just stand there, glowering in a corner…In their jumpsuits. Remember the twins in Breaking Bad? Like, you knew those guys were bad-ass just from their matching suits, right? Renault’ll get their shit together once they’ve been turned inside out by Adidas-Fear.”

Jean-Eric Vergne (14th, Q2 – 1:35.286)
“Today the team did again a very good job to give me a car that was more suitable for me and I had a good feeling in Q2. We made a good step forward compared to yesterday, even though I felt down in power and we will have to investigate the reasons for this. Anyway, we have to stay positive, also because starting 14th on the grid is not too bad and everything is possible. We just have to keep our head down and stay focussed.”

VER – “Gotta stay positive. Gotta stay focussed. Keep telling ourselves it’ll be ok. It’s just a tornado: it’ll be ok. It’s just a hacking cough: it’ll be ok. It’s just a funny rash: it’ll be ok.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi (20th, Q1 – 1:37.310)

“The car balance was pretty good today. We lost some time on the straight – 0.3s – which I thought we had got on top of and ultimately this cost us getting ahead of Kobayashi. It’s something we need to look at as we need to get back in front of the Caterhams, not losing out to them. We will hope to recover a little bit of ground tomorrow but it will be tough.”

BIA – “Qualified ahead of Chilton. It’s a fucking great day.”

Max Chilton (22nd, Q1 – 1:37.913)
“I’m a little bit disappointed after that qualifying session as I thought we had done enough to edge a bit closer to Q2. When everything comes together we aren’t that far away and if you look at the overall spread of times we have made some progress. We didn’t achieve everything we could today, but having said that, I think tomorrow we’ll have a better showing.”

CHI – “TOMORROW! TO-MORROW! I LOVE YA! TOMORROW! THE GUYS LOVE IT WHEN I SING THIS AFTER EVERY QUALIFYING, DON’T YOU GUYS? TOMORROW! THE SUN’LL COME UP TOMO. . . . GUYS?”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas (4th, Q3 – 1:34.247)

“It was a good qualifying session; I think we got the maximum potential out of the car today. After the Red Bull penalty we are third and after the last two races it’s good to see the full potential of the car on a Saturday. We haven’t done too many laps this weekend so there are things we can still improve for the race, but if we get the strategy right and take the opportunities that come our way we should be in for a good result.”

BOT – “That oughta shut Felipe the fuck up.”

Felipe Massa (8th, Q3 – 1:34.511)
“That was not a very easy qualifying. I made a few mistakes on my lap in Q3 as I had a bit of oversteer, so lost some time and I really should have been quicker. We will start P7 tomorrow after Ricciardo’s penalty and it’s a long race so a lot could happen. We look competitive which is good to see, and we are in the fight for tomorrow.”

MAS – “It’s a fucking bitch to qualify when you’ve been up all week, not sleeping, with fucking radio transmissions echoing in your head about ‘x is faster than you’ and ‘y is faster than you’. Jesus, by Wednesday, just pouring milk into my cereal, I could see my cereal staring at me accusatorially. My fucking cereal, man, was like, ‘What? Can’t you pour that milk any faster? What’s wrong with you, slowy slowerton?’ Yeah, qualifying is hard when every breakfast ends with you, throwing a gallon of milk at the wall. Fuck”

Rob Smedley, Williams head of vehicle performance
“The team did an excellent job throughout the whole of qualifying, so we are very happy. We have good race pace which we showed in testing and with Ricciardo’s penalty we’ll be P3 and P7 on the grid, which is a good step forward towards where we want to be. We are also starting on the clean side of the grid, which is an added advantage. The FW36 has good overtaking capabilities so we are feeling positive for tomorrow. Overall, it’s been a good day to start off my time at Williams.”

Smedley – “That ought shut Felipe the fuck up.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez (15th, Q2 – 1:35.891)

“I am satisfied with the result of qualifying today. We managed to put together some fast laps. I want to thank my team; they did a good job in finding the right balance from my feedback. We need to look forward and still work hard, because we are missing quite a lot of pace to be where we want to be. I have a great team and we are all working hard. Today it was the optimum I could get out of the car on my last really good lap. With the lower temperatures the tyres are behaving in a different way. I feel positive for the race tomorrow, but with our pace we cannot be in the top ten at the moment. However, I am sure if we work consistently we can get some points in the future.”

GUT – “Hey, it’s Sauber. What the fuck do you want? Fucking 11th?!”

Adrian Sutil (18th, Q1 – 1:36.840) 
“Today there was not much to achieve. However, making it into Q2 could have been possible. Unfortunately, we are still too slow on the straights, and I am personally struggling with the fact the car is overweight. I only had one lap, as I had traffic on my second run. This resulted in aborting my final lap. We have to concentrate on tomorrow, and we need to be better in the race. However, it will be difficult to finish in the points. We are working on the car, and I think when we get to Europe we will be able to move further up the grid. I am looking forward to that and I will put all my efforts into it.”

SUT – “I wonder if I cum as much as Nico, but not into my shoes, I might get light enough to not blame my weight on every goddamn thing that goes wrong?”

Caterham
Kamui Kobayashi (19th, Q1 – 1:37.085)

“FP3 was a much better session than we’d had yesterday. The guys had worked until just before curfew to get the cars ready and they did really well to prepare for Saturday. The car was performing pretty well in FP3, a little oversteer, but that was to be expected with the track temperatures in the afternoon, but we didn’t want to make any changes as it was obviously going to be cooler in the evening.

“In quali my first run was good – one flying lap on the options that I didn’t think I could improve on so I boxed and we waited until there were about three minutes left and then went out for one more flying lap. I definitely got everything I could out of the car on that run and finished about four-tenths from Q2, a realistic view of where we are now with performance.

“That’s the first time this season we’ve really had a chance to extract maximum performance from the car, after a good Friday and Saturday, so it’s clear what we need to do to improve. We saw last week in Malaysia we have good race pace, but we need to bridge that gap to be able to fight in quali with teams like Lotus and Sauber, and that’s the target. For tomorrow I think we’re in a much better position than we were in the first two races, particularly with the work we did yesterday, so if we can continue this better reliability the race could be a good one for us.”

KOB – “Caterham, where if words were speed, we’d be kicking everyone’s ass all over the globe.”

Marcus Ericsson (21st, Q1 – 1:37.875) 
“We definitely made some improvements overnight and I want to thank everyone in the team for the efforts they put in to move on from what had been a bit of a difficult Friday. My final run on the options was the best of the weekend so far – we’d improved the braking and the overall balance so I went into quali feeling pretty positive about being able to fight with our nearest rivals.

“We started Q1 on a set of new options but I had a bit of a lock-up that cost me quite a bit of time on the first run. I wasn’t going to get any more out of that set of tyres so we boxed and then went for another final run towards the end of the session. My final lap was definitely my best of the weekend but I didn’t have a great out lap so I know I could have found more, but overall I’m reasonably pleased with how Saturday has gone. It’s been a much better weekend so far with reliability and with the improvements we made today I’m now focused on having another solid race tomorrow. I’m learning all the time, and with the mileage we’ve now done here in Bahrain I want to make tomorrow’s race my strongest yet – do that and this will have been a good weekend.”

ERI – “Just trying to match Kamui, prose-wise, here!”

Force India
Sergio Perez (5th, Q3 – 1:34.346)

“It was definitely a great qualifying session and the team did a fantastic job to give me such a competitive car. After the problems we had in the first two races I feel this has been the first real opportunity to show the potential of the car. I believe we could have been even closer to the front, but I couldn’t warm up my brakes enough on the out lap of my final run in Q3 and so I didn’t improve. We’re already thinking about tomorrow and I think the clear target must be to aim for the podium. We’re in the best possible position to fight at the front and I’m going to make the most of it. I’ve got some very good memories of this track but tomorrow I want to create even better ones.”

PER – “I’m not sure how I managed to qualify while flipping McLaren the double bird the whole time but, fucking a, if I didn’t do it! Where’s your pot-leafed fucking bandera de Mexico now, motherfuckers?!”

Nico Hulkenberg (12th, Q2 – 1:35.116)
“My lap in Q2 was not the best one. I made a mistake in turn 11 and ran wide on the exit kerb, which completely ruined my lap. I lost a couple of tenths and that made the difference between making it into Q3 and missing out. I do believe the chance for a good result tomorrow is still there and I feel optimistic. We showed on Friday that we have good long run pace and I have two new sets of soft tyres for the race. The strategy decisions for tomorrow will be important to help me move forward and with the cooler conditions it should be easier on the tyres compared to Malaysia.”

HUL – “Back here and I still am going to have to battle it out with ‘Nando for tenth. Fuck me.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean (16th, Q2 – 1:35.908)

“It was tight to get to Q2. We knew beforehand that we were around the cut off, so it was great to get through. If we look at the whole weekend we’ve been struggling on the track. This evening the car felt more together and more driveable – of course 16th is not great and we’re never going to be satisfied with that, but I’m happy with the way the team has been working and pushing in the right direction. We have to try things and try to understand why we are where we are and why we are not unlocking our potential. I hope the race pace will be a little bit better than the qualifying pace and then we can put up a good fight in the race.”

GRO – “Yeah, sometimes you’re not unlocking your potential. And, of course, sometimes, you dig up that stash of weed that you buried under that tree two summers ago when you just about got busted by your parents and, yeah: lots of potential there right? So, you dig that shit up; you think: ‘Fuck, I’m getting fucking hiiiiiigh tonight.’ You dig that shit up and it turns out that your stash all went moldy and fucked up BECAUSE IT WAS BURIED IN THE DIRT UNDER A TREE! And there really wasn’t any potential to unlock. Lotus: We are moldy weed. Go team. Fuck, Imma gonna hafta smoke something, being teammates with Pastor. My god.”

Pastor Maldonado (17th, Q1 – 1:36.663)
“We’re not here to fight for P16 and P17 so it’s a bit disappointing to see ourselves where we are in qualifying at the moment. We just need to be focused and try to push even more on the development of the car to catch the people around us. At the moment it’s fair to say our car is a bit on the slow side and quite difficult to drive. However we’ve made an important step forwards in terms of reliability. There have been no problems this weekend which is quite positive so fingers crossed for tomorrow. For race pace we look much more competitive than in qualifying. I’m looking forward to the race and seeing what is possible.”

MAL – “Yep, it’s the car. Lotus: Cross Your Fingers and Smoke that Moldy Weed. Go team”

Red Bull
Daniel Ricciardo (3rd, Q3 – 1:34.051)

“Today was nice, tomorrow will be less nice with the ten place penalty, but I was really happy with qualifying. I think through all the runs and on both tyres I was happy with my performance. We may have saved one set of tyres compared to the others, so that’s good, hopefully I’m going to need it tomorrow for coming through the pack; hopefully it will help us. I did the best I could today, so for that I’m pleased. I think Seb and I will both be charging hard tomorrow and will aim to put on a good race.”

RIC – “It’s not so much that I’m the ‘Mark’ this season or that they’ve given me Mark’s old car or any of that: it’s that I’m infected with the aura of Mark and, really, the only cure for that is for fucking Marko to die so, um, it’s been fun!”

Sebastian Vettel (11th, Q2 – 1:34.985)
“We weren’t quick enough today. I was pretty happy yesterday, but I think this morning didn’t help us when I spun off and did some damage to the car. It’s hard to say how big the impact of that was, as once you start qualifying you just get your head down and try to do the best you can. It was quite tight with Kimi and there wasn’t a lot missing to get to Q3, but that’s how it goes. We get an extra set of tyres tomorrow and I think in the race things will calm down and we’ll be able to be a bit more consistent and attack for some good points. I think our speed is okay on a longer run – and actually on a shorter run too, as Dan has shown today. It will be hard to overtake some cars tomorrow, but we will try our best.”

VET – “Some motherfuckers are going to get the shit Force-choked out of them, that’s all I’m gonna say.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“A superb lap from Daniel to finish qualifying in third. It’s unfortunate he has to take the ten place penalty, but nonetheless a really impressive qualifying performance from him today. Unfortunately Sebastian’s qualifying was plagued by a couple of issues that cost him straight line speed and some compromised downshifts. Hopefully that can be rectified overnight. Sebastian will start tenth tomorrow and, with freedom of choice of tyres, it still puts us in a reasonable position for the race.”

Horner – “Watching Adrian get Force-choked is this weird combination of scary and satisfying.”

Thierry Salvi, Renault Sport
“Again a tough session today and quite different for our drivers. We had to work on Seb’s car before qualy and had to face several issues. Seb started in a downgraded mode since we found a damaged wastegate and then the team experienced some problems with the downshifts. We were able to manage during the session until the last run of Q2. Dan again extracted the most from the car to get close to Mercedes. We are clearly in the challenger situation with two silver cars in front as a target. We know what we have to achieve to get back to the front and that’s what we are focused on night and day. Tomorrow will be tricky race starting in the middle and again we’ll ask a lot from both drivers to get back to the front.”

Salvi – “I just gave you this entire quote while being Forced-choked!”

McLaren


Jenson Button (7th, Q3 – 1:34.387)

“Although we haven’t qualified where we’d ideally like to have done, as a team I reckon we’ve done a more or less perfect job so far this weekend.

“It was very tight out there, we did all we could, and we ended up very close to P4; all you can do is get the best out of the car, and that’s what we did here today.

“The four fly-away races are all about picking up points as and when you can. We’ve done that pretty well the first two races, and we’ve got to continue doing that. We’re not the quickest, so we’ve got to make the best of what we have and what we are.

“A podium finish tomorrow would be great, but it’ll be very difficult because the first two places are already fully booked as long as the two Mercedes cars are reliable. But let’s be positive: we’ve got a fighting chance of making up places tomorrow, and third place is only three spots better than where we’ll be starting from [sixth].”

BUT – “I might’ve qualified higher, I reckon, but every time I saw Checo, flipping us the double bird and driving with his knees, I fucking fell over from laughter.”

Kevin Magnussen (9th, Q3 – 1:34.712)
“I’m not entirely happy with my qualifying position today, to be honest.

“We’d hoped that the cool temperatures would confer more of an advantage to us, and help us a little bit more, but it didn’t work out that way. Having said that, Jenson did a very good job, and got a bit more out of the car than I did, and I think that’s probably the most anyone could have got out of it today.

“Our race pace might be better than our qualifying pace was, and we should hopefully be a bit more competitive tomorrow as a result of that. We should be in the thick of the fight for points.

“But, first of all, I need to make a clean start tomorrow. I don’t want any damage to the front wing at the first corner!”

MAG – “Gah! Even qualifying is hard! Goddammit!

Ferrari
Kimi Raikkonen (6th, Q3 – 1:34.368)

“I am reasonably pleased with my qualifying, because up until this morning, I did not feel completely comfortable in the car, but the faith I put in what we had at our disposal was paid back with this result. We are improving in all areas, on the engine, data acquisition, electronics and the new parts fitted to the car have given me a better feeling from the front end. Sure, we are not yet where we want to be, but I think we are on the right path and we have the right people to give us every possibility to continue to move forward. It’s hard to say how tomorrow’s race will go, because in the simulation done yesterday, I was struggling on the Medium tyre, while the balance was better on the Soft. We know we can’t fight with Mercedes, but today’s result gives me more confidence than at the previous races and I will do my best to bring home a good result.”

RAI – “‘Nando kept telling to lay off the Vodka and go with the Enzo-Grappa. Fuck, if it didn’t work! Now, make no mistake: this shit wasn’t easy. Laying off the Vodka for a week, just in the hopes that some Grappa from a giant bottle with a dead Italian inside the bottle would make me faster: fuck, dude, I’m Finnish. I don’t believe in shit! I believe in ice, Ice Dragons and giant piles of money, burning in an oven to heat the water of my hot tub. But, fuck if this shit didn’t make me faster! Also, watching Sasha blow Fernando in that Ferrari seat/chair thing probably didn’t hurt.”

Fernando Alonso (10th, Q3 – 1:34.992)
“We tried our best as usual today and now we need to wait for the car to come back from parc ferme to work out why there was a drop in power in Q3. In winter testing here we had already seen that this circuit is particularly suited to the Mercedes powered cars, because the long straights allow them to use their top end performance. But given how free practice and the first two parts of qualifying had gone, maybe we could have hoped to be a bit higher up the order. Now, we must think only of doing well tomorrow, especially at the start, given we are on the clean side because of Ricciardo’s penalty. Then we must work out the best strategy, choosing between two or three stops. A lot will depend on how the tyres perform: I think that, in lower temperatures than we have seen so far, the Medium could throw up some surprises.”

ALO – ” I don’t know how he did it, but I think Kimi watered down my Enzo-Grappa.”

 

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2014 Malaysian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

If it’s a day that ends in ‘y’, be sure to go fuck yourself and your fucking team orders

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 1st

“I’m incredibly happy today. This is my first win in Malaysia after eight attempts and to do it for our Petronas family in their home country makes it even more special. It’s all down to the team. They have done a fantastic job and I have to say a huge thank you to everyone here at the track and back at our factories who have been pushing non-stop to get the car where it is. The race was tougher than it perhaps looked today and the conditions here always make it a great challenge. But I was able to look after the car, the tyres and the fuel and still keep a bit of pace in hand which made my job that little bit easier. It’s great to see Mercedes leading the championship but we know that we have to make these early races pay. Anything can happen as we saw in Australia, so this is an important result for us. One-two finishes don’t happen very often and this is a real achievement for the team. Finally, I would like to offer this victory in tribute to all those affected by the tragedy of MH370. A special mention also goes to my step-mum Linda for her 50th birthday tomorrow!”

HAM – “Baby is so happy when Baby gets what he wants! Next week, when things go to shit, I’ll go back to pouting on the radio and tweeting telemetry. BTW: So sad about the plane crash people stuff! God rest their souls. These things happen for a reason; God puts commas where we try to put periods. Although, for lots of those people, it was probably pretty period-y.  It does make me sad, though, that they won’t be able to see me race or do fast things or listen to my music or think about me and the rich things I do. Happy Birthday, Linda! Hashtag Bless.”

Nico Rosberg, 2nd
“This is an incredible day for our team and for Mercedes-Benz. Everyone back at our factories in Brackley and Brixworth, and all employees of Mercedes-Benz, can feel very proud today. For the first time in the modern Silver Arrows era, we have achieved a one-two finish which is an incredible result. The team did a phenomenal job over the winter and my thanks once again for that. I also want to thank our partners Petronas. They have given our team so much support, along with the best products for our power unit, so we are proud to be associated with them and I hope they enjoy the celebrations today. I had a great start again, even though it was tight with Sebastian. It was very close at the wall and I just closed the eyes, went for the gap and did it. Later I was able to control the pace and to defend my position against Seb but Lewis was out of my reach, so congratulations to him for his win. I really look forward now to next weekend in Bahrain.”

ROS – “I just closed my eyes, went for the gap, let the angels on my dick start their dancing. . ..  and then. . gah! It’s like when you feel a sneeze coming on and then you don’t sneeze. Although, I have to say, after nearly passing out from hyper-ejaculating related dehydration last week, it was best for me and the team that I retain my fluids. I’ll probably get dehydrated this week, anyway, after puking every time I have to see Hammy’s smug fucking happy face. Thank god there’s only one week between races. Two weeks and my esophagus would’ve been toast.”

Red Bull

Sebastian Vettel, 3rd
“We have certainly made a good step forwards, but we still have a lot of work to do. It’s great to get a podium finish today. Considering where we were, not even two months ago, I think this weekend is a massive step in the right direction. It’s a shame we didn’t finish with both cars, but it’s good to see the car is quick and we need the laps; for now it’s important to collect points. The guys are pushing back in the factory and at Renault – it’s been a massive job from them – and we’ll try to be up there very soon again. It was a shame to lose a place at the start, but third was our maximum position today, so I’m very happy with that. It’s a shame for Daniel with what happened, he drove really well.”

VET – “Marko and I have been watching a lot of ‘Clone Wars’ lately and picking up a lot of motivational tips from the Separatist-soon-to-be-The-Empire guys and, yeah, it’s funny: doing a force choke on the guys at Enstone and Renault really gets their attention! Like, this shit works. Won’t be long until this seems-to-be-unfinished car is FULLY OPERATIONAL. Except for Danny’s car. Fuck him.”

Daniel Ricciardo, DNF
“It was looking like we could have a solid points finish today; the race was going pretty well. The start was really good and I made up a couple of positions and I was starting to, let’s say, mix it up at the front, which is nice. It’s fun being up there and fighting for the top few spots, but then we had a problem at the last pit stop and then we had a puncture. I think we had a front wing failure and a few other things went on and then the stop-go penalty, so the race ended pretty quickly for us, it went from looking good to looking pretty bad in a short amount of time. I’m really disappointed, but at the same time there’s a little bit in me which is happy because I think I’ve come out the first two races how I wanted to, in a way. I still want to improve, but we’ve started off on the right foot, so for that I’m pleased and with a little bit of luck we’ll turn things around soon and I’ll get some points. I love racing up the front, it’s been a privilege so far and a lot of fun in the last couple of races. It’s a bit addictive actually, I want more, so you’ll see me up there plenty of times this year.”

RIC – “Well, I can’t say nobody warned me. One thing that does make more sense now are all the little scraps of paper I keep finding in the nooks and crannies of the garage with “help me!” scrawled on there in Mark’s hand-writing. Time to respond to those ‘anonymous’ emails I’m getting about a support group for victims of team abuse.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“Considering where we were a month ago, to be on the podium with Sebastian in Malaysia in a dry race, is an incredible performance. We knew that we had some ground to catch up to the Mercedes, so to finish as close as Sebastian did today was a really positive performance and, while we know we’ve got a lot of work to do, we can begin to realise the scale of our challenge. It’s a great shame for Daniel who did everything right today – a great start and a great first lap and a really impressive opening part of the race. It was unlucky that when he came in to a pit stop, the front left didn’t go on properly and the car was released, it was judged to be an unsafe release and we had a drive through penalty. Thereafter the wing failed – we don’t know what caused that yet. I think Daniel’s clearly shown his potential and that the Australian GP wasn’t a one off; it’s great to have two guys pushing like they are.”

Horner – “Remember this quote when, next season, we’re blaming Danny for holding up Seb after his car catches fire and the smoke kinda slows Seb down for a second and so Seb doesn’t get a purple lap and that makes Marko/Seb angry and then I have to deal with that. Fuck that Danny guy.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 6th

“It was hot out there this afternoon! And when you’ve spent all that time watching the two Williams battling in your mirrors, it makes it feel even hotter. Still, it was an enjoyable race, and I couldn’t really have expected more. I think we got the most we could out of the package this afternoon, and I didn’t think I’d be finishing sixth after the way the car had performed earlier in the weekend.

“It’s encouraging for all the guys that we called both the pit stops and the fuel usage perfectly throughout the race. I also want to say a big ‘thanks’ to everyone back at the MTC [McLaren Technology Centre] for working so hard to bring the updates to the track. Every little helps. Nonetheless, there’s no getting away from the fact that we’re still weak in the high-speed corners; this car does have its strengths, but we’ve got a lot of work to do. We got the best out of the car today, but we know we still need to improve.

BUT – “It’s just really nice to not-suck as much as we sucked last year. Even though we still kinda suck.”

Kevin Magnussen, 9th
“I’m sorry for the team that I messed things up going into the second corner, with the incident with Kimi. I think we could have scored some good points today, so I’m disappointed with and for myself, too. Grands prix are long races, so I shouldn’t have made a mistake like that so early on in the afternoon. But that sort of stuff happens sometimes – and, when it does, you just have to learn from it, and I will.

“After the incident, it wasn’t easy to recover, and we struggled with the high track temperatures, and in the high-speed corners, too. As I say, I’ll learn from this race and I’ll see what I can do at the next one. It’s good that the Bahrain Grand Prix is so soon; it’ll feel good to put this one behind me, and move on.”

MAG – “I wonder if Sutil still has that prescription for ‘Sutil-itis’? Fuck, this shit is hard, actually, this racing thing. Do we do this all fucking year?! Fuck.”

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“Clearly, we’d expected to be leaving Sepang with rather more than the 10 points we scored here this afternoon. Having said that, Jenson drove a faultless race, moving steadily from his P10 grid slot to P6 at flag-fall. Had qualifying gone better for him, perhaps he could have finished a little farther up, but probably not much.

“Kevin made a good start, but, as he shaped up to pass Kimi’s Ferrari, the two cars touched, causing a puncture for Kimi and a broken left-side front-wing end-plate for Kevin. Kevin’s first pit-stop was consequently elongated by our need to fit a replacement nose-cone assembly, which deficit was compounded by the stop-go penalty he was awarded soon after. Such races are a Formula 1 rookie’s rights of passage, inevitable and unsurprising, but Kevin’s reaction was impressive from two perspectives: first, he put his head down and drove his heart out for the remainder of the afternoon, recovering very well to finish ninth at the finish; and, second, he apologised to the team unreservedly on the slowing-down lap, which wasn’t strictly necessary but was good to hear all the same.

“Overall, then, despite having got both our cars to the finish in points-scoring positions, we’re far from satisfied; but we’re working tirelessly to improve things, and that’s exactly what we’ll do.
“From here we go to Bahrain, where we hope to spice things up a bit by putting on a better show in the home race of our principal shareholder, Mumtalakat.”

Boullier – “Still so happy I got the fuck out of Lotus!”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 11th

“Eleventh place is good for all the guys at Enstone and at the track, and it’s good for me too. Finishing the race was our first objective and then we wanted to see where we were with our car. It’s not perfect yet but it’s good to be where we are at this stage. I had a big loss of downforce around eight laps to the end especially in the rear of the car which made things difficult, especially when I had to defend. Without that issue, I’m sure we could have finished higher. It’s good to be back and close to the points so it’s a positive for all of us. It was a good battle at the end. I kept remembering our past battles to make sure Kimi couldn’t go through!”

GRO – “Hey, hey! We finished a race! Well, one car anyway. Well, to be honest: Does anyone actually expect Pastor to finish a single race this season? Fuck. Do you know what I’m really sick of? I’m just realizing that ALL HE WEARS are these T-shirts with the 2012 Spanish GP results printed on the back. He must have, like, 50 of those fuckers. Seriously, even Kimi and his Ice Dragons weren’t as annoying as this shit.”

Pastor Maldonado, DNF
“After the start we were losing a lot of power so we’ll have to investigate later to see what the issue is and analyse the data. This problem meant I had to retire in order to protect the engine. Despite that, this weekend has been clearly a step forwards. Since Saturday, we’ve been able to run far more with the car and Romain was able to finish the race. Today obviously was not so good for me, but we’re not the only ones with issues so early in the season. This is all related to all the complex packages in the car, but we have learnt a lot this weekend and will make progress for the next.”

MAL – “Trombone sounds you hear when the adults talk to the kids in those Peanuts cartoons.”

Sauber
Adrian Sutil, DNF

“In my last lap I lost power and then suddenly the car switched off. I don’t know what happened, so we need to analyse it. It is a shame. Many things don’t work well at the moment, so we need to learn from that. In general, our pace was too slow and the grip level was poor. This was unusual for us and we didn’t expect that. We will keep working on the issues we have and we will be back stronger for the next races. We don’t have much time until Bahrain, so we don’t expect to have many updates there. However, for the upcoming races we have a plan which we are working on in order to improve.”

SUT – “We have a plan. Yep: we’re going to stea. . . um, borrow one of RBR’s cars from last year and paint it with whatever boring-ass livery we’re using right now.”

Esteban Gutierrez, DNF
“After quite a long stint, I made a pit stop and couldn’t engage first gear. I tried it many times, but it didn’t work, so there was not much I could do. In the end we made a step forward this weekend. Obviously it was not a good race, but we have to keep positive. We must solve our issues so we are consistent and reliable at the track and have no technical problems. We still have a long season ahead and I am confident we can improve.”

GUT – “I was sitting there, in the pit, and all the guys were all shouting, ‘GRIND IT ‘TIL YOU FIND IT! GRIND IT ‘TIL YOU FIND IT!’ and laughing. Fucking assholes were falling down they were laughing so hard. Fucking Sauber.”

Giampaolo Dall’Ara , Sauber head of track engineering
“The start of the race was okay, as Adrian was able to gain several positions. We were on a three stop strategy with both cars, because our goal was to keep up with the cars in front of us. Both drivers started on the medium tyre. Adrian then shifted to the hard compound at his first stop, because he was not happy with the medium tyre. Esteban changed to the hard tyre during his second stop, and then wanted to go back to the medium for the last stint. But during his pit stop he wasn’t able to engage first gear. Before that Adrian was forced to stop out on the track. His car lost electric power supply and switched off completely. We will investigate both problems in order to solve them before the next race in Bahrain. Overall, our performance in the race wasn’t where we expected it to be, so we have some homework to do.”

Dall’Ara – “Huh-uh, huh-uh! I said ‘Three stop strategy’. Uh-huh.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, DNF

“I think I had a great start today but very soon I felt some problems with the car. I lost power in the car and I just saw everybody overtaking me. Then I found myself in a sandwich between a Caterham and Bianchi and maybe I was a bit too ambitious to think I could try and pass the two cars. It was just not possible and this resulted in the collision, which damaged my front wing. At this point I knew that my race was compromised, so I was hoping for some rain and maybe a safety car to change the cards on the table and re-join the pack. But then I continued to suffer with the car and my race was over. It’s really a shame, as this was a race in which we could have been strong and achieve a good result. The race pace on hard tyres was pretty good. On the positive side, we have a good car and we won’t have to wait long before being back on track, as Bahrain is just around the corner.”

VER – “I’ve said a lot of words and things just now but the most important fact is that the idea of a Caterham/Bianchi sandwich has given me a really gigantic boner.”

Daniil Kvyat, 10th
“It’s good to finish in the top 10 for a second time in a row now. This afternoon’s race was very difficult and intense with a lot of fighting. The first two stints were hard when I was fighting the Williams and McLaren in the early stages, but they were faster than me on the straight. I was quite happy with the final stint and having managed to defend my position. Overall it was a good weekend and I hope we continue to improve like this as the car definitely has potential. So I’m looking forward to going straight to Bahrain to race again in a week’s time. It will be interesting to be on a track where we have actually tested with this car.”

KVY – “All the Ice Dragons and all the Italian racing history and all the British racing history and all the energy drink dollars and all you fuckers will all eventually bow to the power of oil-soaked Rubles! Respect, bitches!”

Franz Tost, Toro Rosso team principal 
“Daniil did another good race, scoring a point again here after Melbourne. He could stand the pressure from the others until the end of the race and defend his position, without making any mistake. As for JEV, after yesterday’s very good performance in qualifying, he unfortunately faced some problems today from the very beginning of his race. Soon after the start, in his first lap, he lost many positions, when something went wrong in the power unit management.”

Tost – “New strategy! We are looking into Russian citizenship for Jean-Eric!”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 8th 

“I think we need to be happy about today as moving from P18 to P8 is a good result and we have more points in the bag. The car was not as competitive this weekend as it was in Melbourne, but the team has done a very good in producing a car that is looking like it can consistently fight in the top 10. I had a really good start, making up six places on the first lap, and from then on the pace was pretty good and I was able to make up more places without too much trouble by using our very strong straight line speed on the long straights. Qualifying has shown that there are parts of the car we need to address, but the start to the season has been encouraging for us so far.”

BOT – “I am totally looking forward to being this season’s Romain Grosj. . . .Oh: Fuck me.”

Felipe Massa, 7th
“Getting both cars in the points today is a positive result for the team. I had a very good start and made up some good places on the first lap, but my progress was halted a bit by the McLaren of Magnussen in the first stint which had good traction out of the last corner which made it difficult for me to overtake. I also had the same issue later on in the race with Jenson as I was able to get up close to the back of him in the closing stages when on better tyres, but just couldn’t get past. On the whole I don’t think this track particularly suited our car, so we have done well to finish where we have, and I’m confident that we will be more competitive in Bahrain.”

MAS – “FUCK ALL YOU FUCKERS. MASSA IS THROUGH TAKING SHIT FROM ANY OF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. MASSA WILL RACE HOW MASSA WANTS TO RACE AND, IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH MASSA, FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OFF. Oh, wait: Smedley’s here? GODDAMMIT! Hi, Rob. How are you? Me? I’m fine. Hm, what? Oh, nothing. Jus’ chillin’.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 15th

“It was a pretty demanding race I have to say. I didn’t get a fantastic start and I knew there was going to be trouble in Turn 1, which I at least managed to avoid. We had a close battle with Ericsson for much of the race and towards the end we were very close and pushing him all the way to the line, eventually ending up just 0.1s adrift. We are a little disappointed today, but we’ll regroup and focus on what we can do for Bahrain next weekend.”

CHI – “WOOO-HOOO! 15TH! YEAH! I MUST’VE PASSED SOME PEOP. . . .WHA? ONLY 15 CARS FINISHED? OH. WELL. . . OH. THAT SHIT WAS STILL A BLAST! WOO-HOO!”

Jules Bianchi, DNF
“Unfortunately the situation with Maldonado was a consequence of what happened off the start, when Vergne hit me from behind and punctured my left rear tyre. Quite simply I could not avoid Maldonado; there was nothing I could do. We came in to change the tyres and to fit a new front wing but when I returned to the track the car was not easy to drive and we suspected a problem with the brakes. We could not continue to drive this way and had no choice but to retire. It was disappointing to end my race after eight laps and this is not the reward the team deserves after a week where we seemed to make good progress through the sessions.”

BIA – “It appears that the only way Max is ever going to not-finish a race is by me killing him, so I’m going to do that now.”

Force India
Nico Hulkenberg, 5th

“Today was a super team effort and I’m very happy with fifth place. We were the only team among the frontrunners to do a two-stop race and we had good pace all afternoon. It shows that the team’s hard work over the winter is paying off and it feels great to be so competitive and fighting up at the front. We showed that we could manage the tyres well, although I felt a bit more comfortable on the medium compound tyres than on the hards, but we always had the tyre management under control. So I’m feeling happy that we can take all these positives to Bahrain and leave Malaysia with a good helping of points.”

HUL – “I can fucking smell that fucking podium, motherfucker. Just give me that shit. I will fucking wreck that fucking podium.”

Sergio Perez, DNS
“I’m disappointed not to have a chance to race today. We are still investigating the cause of the problem but the car kept going into neutral when I was downshifting on the way to the grid. I made it back to the garage but we could not find a solution. I need to focus on the positives because we learned a lot from the weekend so I hope we can come back stronger in Bahrain. It’s been a frustrating weekend for me but at least we are racing again in seven days and can look forward to putting the disappointment behind us.”

PER – “Ja-ja! Ok, funny joke, guys: You painted my McLaren car from last year with Force India colors and put the stupid nose on it, but I can tell it’s my car from last year because, right there, is the margarita/michelada button and look how much wear is on it. I was punching the shit out of that button last year.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 4th

“The points scored today are the result of a trouble free weekend, in which the small improvements on the car worked as we had expected and it ran very reliably. We definitely have a lot more work to do, because while we are moving forward, the others are doing the same. Everyone in our team is doing their utmost to close down the gap. There’s still a lot to learn in these early races, but it’s no secret that we definitely need to improve our top speed, as could be seen from my duel with Hulkenberg. I was able to get him thanks to fresher tyres, but we definitely need to up our performance right from the very next race. It will be very hot in Bahrain and the tyre compounds are softer. This might be an advantage to us, because on the harder tyres we are sliding a lot. Also, from the data we gathered there during winter testing, we might be able to extract more of our potential, but that will apply to everyone.”

ALO – “Fighting off fucking Hulkenberg and fucking Force fucking India. Fucking Enzo would be spinning in his grave if he weren’t actually preserved in a giant bottle of grappa they keep in the basement at Maranello. There’s a little tap, there, on the bottle, and they let me and Kimi take shots of that grappa before every race. If Kimi wasn’t already made of half-vodka, the magic Enzo-grappa might actually help his ass finish higher. 

Kimi Raikkonen, 12th
“I am very disappointed with how this race turned out, because I got a good start, but then the collision with Magnussen damaged my right rear tyre, which meant I had to make an extra stop. That wiped out any chance I had of fighting for a good finish. After the accident, the car’s handling was not the same, as the tyre had caused damage to the floor, which led to a loss of downforce. On my first set of tyres, I had some difficulties and it was only after the final stop, when I fitted the mediums that it went better, but by then it was too late. Hard to say how things might have gone without that problem, because our rivals were very quick, but maybe I could have finished close to Fernando. It was a really unlucky day, but overall we managed to improve our performance and now we must concentrate on the positive aspects of this weekend and work to improve starting already next week in Bahrain.”

RAI – “It’s going to take a lot of watching Sasha blow ‘Nando in that Ferrari seat-chair thing he has to get my boner back this week.”

Caterham

Kamui Kobayashi, 13th
“Thirteenth in our second race of the season is a very good result for the team, especially after such a bad weekend until the race! I had a great start, and no brake problems this time going into turn one, and by the end of the first lap I was up to 16th, running at the same pace as Sutil just ahead and with the car performing much better than it had all weekend.

“We were looking at what was going on around us and with the good tyre degradation we had we adapted the strategy and decided to go long on the first stint on options, finally boxing on lap 15, going out again on another set of mediums which were working well right from the first lap of the second stint. I was ahead of Chilton and found really good pace on the new set of tyres and I went after the Saubers ahead and was catching them fast. We stopped for the second time on lap 32 and went onto the primes for the final stint, knowing it would be a long run to the flag but also knowing that if we kept it on the track we could have a good finish, and that’s how it turned out.

“Thirteenth place in Malaysia puts us back in 10th in the championship and gives everyone the sort of boost we needed. There’s still a huge amount of work to do and a lot of today was new for me – that was the first time I’ve driven the car on full tanks on these tyres and we obviously have to keep putting more performance on the car so we can really fight one or two of the teams ahead. That looks like it’s a realistic target at this stage, but for now, focusing on today, finally we’ve had a good day and we should be happy about that.”

KOB – “Not hitting people and not crashing and actually finishing a race does make me very talkative, yes. Why do ask? Hey, did I ever tell you about this other time I finished a race? It was warm that day. Not as warm as today but, still, pretty warm. There were some people in the stands. They were watching the race. Some of them were smoking. Those fans: they sure were smooookin’. This race, the one I finished, that time. I remember the tyres: the tyres were, like, wearing out; so I kept a good eye on them. Did I mention I was wearing an onion on my belt? That was the fashion at the time. . . Hey! Where are you going??!”

Marcus Ericsson, 14th
“First I want to thank the boys in the garage for working so hard to fix my car after yesterday’s accident. I was feeling a bit low last night, but to have finished my first full grand prix in 14th, helping us move up into 10th place in the constructors’ championship, is a great feeling, for me and everyone in Caterham.

“My start couldn’t have been much better – I passed both Marussias and was right up with Kamui by the end of lap one in 17th having made up five places. I was quickly into a good rhythm and keeping pace with my teammate but about ten laps into the first stint I started having some issues with the rear grip which was costing me a bit of time. We boxed for the first time on lap 11 but had a problem during the stop and I came out behind Chilton and Vergne. The second stint was really good – to be honest I was a bit surprised that I was fighting Raikkonen but he and Vergne made a couple of moves on me which I was able to defend, and then I went after Chilton. We boxed for another set of new options on lap 26 and I came back out ahead of the Marussia and focused on pulling away from him.

“I stayed ahead of Chilton after the third stop for the primes and from there I just wanted to get the car home. It was all okay until the last couple of laps when I started losing power, and I finished just ahead of the Marussia at the line as he’d been almost able to catch me with the ERS issue, but that 14th place, by 0.1 seconds, is what puts us into 10th so I’m really glad I could hang on. That tiny margin also shows that every single detail counts at this level of competition, and the tiniest advantage can make a big difference.

“It’s been a tough weekend, really tough for everyone, but we’ll head to Bahrain knowing we have something to build on, and something to defend. That’s a big positive and I can’t wait to get back in the car in a few days time and start all over again.”

ERI – “Whatever Kamui was smoking. . . I just shot a bunch up, right into my veins.”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“This was a tough race, with track temperature of 46 degrees at the start and the most abrasive surface that we visit all year. In spite of this the tyres showed an overall balance of performance that allowed a close battle for the lead. There was no blistering or graining, and while drivers had to manage thermal degradation, a three-stop race is in line with the requirements the sport has asked Pirelli to deliver.”

Hembery – “Hey, Renault! I feel for ya, bra. If you need any lube, I’ve got some left over from last year. Don’t worry guys, take it from me: eventually, your assholes will heal and you will be able to poop normally again. Pro tip: avoid leafy greens!

2013 Japanese Grand Prix, Post-Qualifying Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

 

“Seb, you think it’s disgusting that I touched my balls and then shook your hand? Shit, I’m fucking drinking my ball sweat right now! Tastes like holy water, yo!”

Red Bull

Mark Webber (1st, Q3 – 1m 30.915)

“It’s a great track and we always enjoy driving here. The laps weren’t too bad today to be honest, but you always want a little bit more here and there. Sebastian had a problem in qualifying, so it’s a little bit of a hollow pole position if you like; he still did a phenomenal lap. But, I’m happy to be on pole; you have to grab the opportunities when you can and still get the laps in. It’s a very, very nice farewell for me to have pole position on my last attempt here at Suzuka. It’s a great circuit and I’ll never forget the first sector today, it’s what us guys strive for and it’s what our profession is all about; driving that is a real highlight for us.”

WEB – “I could tell something was a little jinky right off, mate. Something about the car felt bodgy. Then I realized the car wasn’t bodgy, the car was perfect and I just wasn’t used to perfection. Next thing I noticed was this picture of Marko, Seb and Cristian together on a beach and it was covered in sparkles and unicorn stickers. I kinda looked around to see if anyone was putting me on and everyone was acting quite normal. I figured: fuck it: I’ll drive this car and see what happens. The only real problem was getting used the Seb’s seat. It’s formed for his metallic endo-skeleton so it wasn’t very comfortable. I’ll do my best to not hold the VET-Bot 2000 up at the start. Really.”

Sebastian Vettel (2nd, Q3 – 1m 31.089s)
“First of all congratulations to Mark, I think he did a very good lap. We had an issue in qualifying, but I’m not a big fan of thinking that without this, with this, if this, you know… it’s always unknown and we’re P2. I’m happy with the result, a front row for the team is great. The car was phenomenal today, especially in the first sector. You realise afterwards that the car was really fantastic through there and you don’t get many days when the car feels that great and you can really push it to the limit. I enjoyed qualifying today and I’m happy with second place”

VET – “They make him race with this car?! Man, if I had emotions, I’d feel really bad for him.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“It’s great to have secured front row for tomorrow’s race. It was a very strong performance by Mark today to claim his first pole of the year and Sebastian, despite the failure of KERS on his car, produced a great lap also to get onto the front row for tomorrow’s race. We need to understand the issue with his car, as it’s the second session we had a KERS problem. Hopefully we can convert these very strong grid positions into a good points haul tomorrow.”

Horner – “Can someone take this call from Marko? He won’t stop fucking calling me or texting me about what happened.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton (3rd, Q3 – 1m 31.253s)

“I am really happy with P3 on the grid and the team has done a great job this weekend, so thank you to everybody for their hard work. It seems to me that we have a better package here than we’ve had for a while and the car felt awesome to drive. The wind direction changed around from yesterday’s practice session and that changed the characteristics of the circuit, which felt like it had much more grip. Third place is a strong result from Qualifying but the Red Bulls were just out of reach today. Managing the tyre degradation will be key tomorrow so hopefully we can get a good start from the clean side of the grid, then see what we can do from there against the guys in front.”

HAM – “Like any borderline bi-polar sociopath, I’m pretty happy when shit goes my way. When this fucking Merc craps out come race-time, watch for my hang-dog, victim bullshit to rear its lovely head. Pray for me. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg (6th, Q3 – 1m 31.397s)
“It was a good lap but it’s annoying when you step out of the car and the gap to the cars ahead is so close. I have put my set-up more towards tomorrow afternoon, so I’m quite confident about what will be a challenging race for the tyres. P6 is not a bad position to start from and I will try to climb some places up the order. Qualifying always involves some compromises in terms of set-up but we saw in Korea that it was working out quite well for me in the race until my wing broke. I hope we have found the same good balance between qualifying and race performance this weekend.”

ROS – I’m sorta torn between placing two spots behind HAM due to a sparky, fall-y-off-y nose and having that to rub in his face and coming in two spots ahead of him and having the little angels dance on my cock. Either way, I’m totally jizzing inside this suit.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean (4th, Q3 – 1m 31.365s)

“The Red Bulls have looked very strong and we knew it would be tight with Lewis [Hamilton] for P3, so I think we did a good job to take P4. The car feels much better than it did yesterday; especially on the hard tyres which we had been struggling with previously but were then fastest with in Q1 today. The team worked hard to address this overnight and we’ve shown great progress through the weekend once again. It’s a tight, technical circuit, the wind is still making things tricky and it should stay pretty hot, so it’ll be interesting to see what we can do in the race. I’m feeling pretty good.”

GRO – “I’m wondering if they pulled a “Red Bull Special” on me and gave me Kimi’s car for Quali.”

Kimi Raikkonen (9th, Q3 – 1m 31.684s)
“The car has felt much better here than it has in recent races; even if we don’t have a better position on the grid for tomorrow. A small mistake on my quick lap cost me a little bit of time and it’s very close here, so a small amount lost can mean quite a few positions dropped. We’ll have to see what happens in the race, but the car has certainly been more to my liking this weekend so the position on the grid is not a drama.”

RAI – “Motherfuckers. You gave me Romain’s car!!!”

Felipe Massa (5th, Q3 – 1m 31.378s)
“Managing to put together a perfect lap on this incredible track is always extremely satisfying and it reminded me of my pole here in 2006. Even if it’s a fifth place, it’s still a good starting point for tomorrow. Already yesterday, I could feel the car was well balanced and today we did a good job, managing to get all the potential out of it. More than this was not possible, but I am very happy all the same. Sure, tomorrow’s race will not be easy, because we have some very fast cars ahead of us, but we can be in the game and for that we must concentrate to the maximum on strategy and tyre management. Getting a good result will depend very much on having a strong pace. Last year, I finished second here and this evening I will try and remember how I did it.”

MAS – “Guys! I qualified ahead of Alonso! Guys! Wait. Did you fuckers give me Alonso’s car?! You bastards!”

Fernando Alonso (8th, Q3 – 1m 31.665s)
“Today’s result is more or less what we were expecting, not having had a great pace all weekend, always being between sixth and tenth and even in Q3, I could not do more. Here the long run tests went better in terms of degradation than in Korea and that gives us hope that we can make up ground in the race. Tomorrow, we will give it our best shot, as always, trying to count on our strong points; the start, the strategy and the way we manage tyre degradation. The aim is definitely not just to finish in the first eight to keep the Championship alive, because if Vettel doesn’t win here, he will do it in one of the next races, when the number of combinations that can affect the result will be less. Now we need to pick up points for second place in the Constructors’ Championship and for that we need to finish ahead of Mercedes, who are only one point behind us.”

ALO – “They make him race with this car?! Man, if I had emotions, I’d feel really bad for him.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg (7th, Q3 – 1m 31.644s)

“We knew we could fight for the top ten today, but P7 is a nice surprise. It was very tight, everything had to fall into place and I think we managed to do that. Compared to yesterday, the wind changed so we had a tail wind on the straights and this makes you really quick. That means we have a head wind in sector one, which gives you a lot of grip. It was so much fun to put a really good lap together in Q3. I am very happy. Clearly tomorrow we’ll be aiming for points.”

HUL – “P7! In a Sauber! Get in line, bitches! Look at my ass! Yeah! You know why it’s so fucking perfect? ALL THE FAT!  It’s doesn’t matter! You want this fat ass so bad right now! You know why I’m so fucking fast right now? Desperation!!!”

McLaren
Jenson Button (10th, Q3 – 1m 31.827s)

“In Q3 at Suzuka you want to go out and have fun – which is exactly what I did. I couldn’t have gone any quicker. I did three laps in Q2 and Q3 that were almost identical, so I think P10 was as good as our car could get here today. There wasn’t any more time left out on the track, but it was fun trying to find it! Looking forward to tomorrow’s grand prix, I think it’s going to be a different sort of race to those we’ve experienced recently, because the tyre degradation is more reasonable here than it’s been in previous races. Actually, I think both compounds are working well here. I’m really looking forward to the race, and hopefully we’ll be able to make progress and bag a decent haul of points. It’s going to be tough out there though – but that’s why we enjoy this sport.”

BUT – “Fun! I’m having fun! I enjoy this sport! I’m having fun in this enjoyable sport! My sports therapist has been working with me on positive reinforcement. It’s totally working!”

Sergio Perez (11th, Q2 – 1m 31.989s)
“It was frustrating to miss out on Q3 by the smallest of margins. It was extremely close: my first set of tyres in Q2 were the Options I’d run during Q1 when we’d aborted because of the red flag. That meant my reference for my second Q2 run wasn’t ideal as I didn’t really know where the track was going. Obviously, yesterday we missed out on some useful track time owing to the accident, so this morning was spent trying to recover that time, changing set-up and learning about the track. To miss out by just over tenth wasn’t ideal but, on the other hand, I think we’re in a good position to score points tomorrow.”

PER – “How much longer is this season? It seems really long.”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo (16th, Q2 – 1m 32.485s)

“That wasn’t a good session for us, which is disappointing as yesterday was one of the best Fridays we have had in a while. The wind has played a bit of a part today, but we definitely should have been further up than that. I would have liked a better result of course, but we will have to see what we can do in the race. I just wasn’t happy with the balance of the car. Jev’s problem? I heard about it, but from what I’ve been told there’s no reason for me to be concerned about it for the race, as everything was fine on my car.”

RIC – “Those A-holes told me they were going to give me Mark’s car this weekend. I think something got fucked up. I suppose I should just get used to being fucked over my Cristian. Man, and I put unicorn emoticons in all my texts to him this week!”

Marussia
Max Chilton (19th, Q1 – 1m 34.320s)
“I’m so happy to have put us ahead of both Caterhams’ in qualifying for the first time since China. One would have been a result, but to beat both Pic and Van der Garde is really incredible and shows just how much fight there is in all of us at this crucial stage in the season. It has not been the most straightforward weekend for us on track and leaving the garage after the red flag, with just under three minutes of the Q1 session, remaining seemed like a tough ask. The track conditions had also shifted in that time and the wind made things more difficult in sector one for sure. I gave it all I had and my lap was as good as I could have asked of myself. I’m just really looking forward to my first Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka and I hope we can carry the momentum through into the race tomorrow. Well done to all of us in the team.”

CHI – “OH HELLS YESSSSS!!!!!! QUALIFIED IN 19TH PLACE!!!!! THIS RACING SHIT IS AWESOME!!!!! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“It’s been an action-packed day at Suzuka, which is a sign of just how challenging this circuit is. There has been quite a high degree of track evolution over the weekend so far and we’d expect to see two pit stops in the normal course of events tomorrow. There’s a much smaller lap time difference between the two nominated compounds than we’ve had in the previous two races, which clearly had an effect on the strategy as it made it easier for the frontrunners to get through Q1 using the hard compounds, as we saw with Grosjean’s impressive run through Q1. This opens up different strategic possibilities for the race tomorrow, with a number of options potentially paying off. The times are actually very close, so there’s an opportunity for strategy to really make a difference. Although this is a very demanding track for tyres, with the highest lateral energy loads of the year, wear and degradation is where we expect it to be: we saw in qualifying that times didn’t drop off significantly even with used tyres.”

Hembrey – “As with every week: Y’all can go fuck yerselves.”

Memo to VET and Marko

Webber: “I can see your ball sack shrinking.”

Psychologically, it must be very hard for you to deal with a guy who won’t sink to your level. It’s called fucking diplomacy.

Q: (Jonathan Legard – BBC Radio Five Live) Mark, how much have you resolved everything in your own mind over what happened at the last race and how to go forward and I suppose linked in there, is the haircut part of the new mean look?

MW: No, definitely not mate, the haircut’s not… it was a little bit of a screw up. Once he’d started he was on his way. Haircut is not part of the new look or new feel. Going forward, mate, I think we know everything that happened; obviously in Malaysia there was plenty of interest from everyone, other teams, media etc, but for me myself mate, it’s not an unusual situation and I’m looking forward to racing here this weekend and getting on with it. When you’re at the front in Formula One there’s always stuff going down so it just depends on how much is going down that you’ve got to manage. In the end, for me, I’m looking forward to driving the car here, putting in first gear and driving out of the garage and getting down there to feel what the car’s like on the circuit. That’s what I’m looking forward to, mate.

Team ClusterFuck/Marko, Translated

Thanks to SpeedTV for the link.

People say I’m tone-deaf. I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about: I can hear just fine. I just stay like this until Seb has something to say. I hear just fine.

Helmut Marko insists preseason comments he made about Mark Webber were never supposed to be interpreted as criticism of the Australian driver.

Austrian Marko, seen by most as team owner Dietrich Mateschitz’s right hand man, said before the 2013 championship kicked off that Webber “can’t maintain form” throughout an entire F1 campaign and “has a little trouble with the pressure.”


Webber hit back by saying it is obvious he is not “part of Marko’s agenda.”Marko’s apparent criticism might have gained new significance in the wake of the recent ‘Multi-21’ affair, where despite the fact Sebastian Vettel ignored team orders in Malaysia, it is Webber’s place alongside him that appears most in doubt.But Marko is quoted by Spain’s El Confidential as insisting all the fuss about his preseason Webber comments was exaggerated.“First, the interview was conducted in German,” he said. “It just happened to be Christmas, and so it was translated into other languages.

“I was asked why Vettel is champion and not Mark, so I tried to explain the differences with some facts.

“I did not think it would be taken as a criticism of Mark,” he insisted.

Marko continued: “Mark has always been a driver with a good reputation, and I have always said of him that when he has a good car, he is a winner.

“But when he has a good car, unfortunately for him, so too does Vettel. So, psychologically, it must be very hard for him.

“In the circumstances,” Marko insisted, “the magazine tried to say that I was against Mark.”

Marko made the comments about Webber in an interview with Red Bull’s in-house magazine, Red Bulletin.

“Hey, uh, Marko. Ok, we just did a PR on the “No Team Orders” policy. We need you to get out there. . .get Seb’s dick out of your mouth for two seconds and call that guy you know at El Confidential. So, let’s be clear: no team orders, right? The gloves are off. You realize that WEB is going to lash out like an angry child, right? So, yeah, get out there and just say some shit that makes it look like you might not necessarily favor VET completely. I don’t know! Say it was mis-translated! Say it was Christmas! Say the moon was full and you were vacuuming and a black cat ran through your yard and a little elf pinched your bottom right as you were quoted! Say whatever the fuck you want. Wait, don’t do that.
Whatever you do, don’t patronize to Mark with some shit about how it’s “psychologically hard” to be around someone as awesome as VET. ‘Cause, yeah, that. Probably. Won’t. Help. We’re trying to convince Kimi to come over next year, you know?! Can you at least try to make this show not look someone’s inter-family brawl at a drunken picnic? Please?”

Light Posting/Vettel, Translated

Kimi to RBR, eh? I have to check with Helmut and Bernie, but the idea of making The Fin my bitch seems. . . . um. . . unlikely.

We’ll be on holiday for a few days, so posting will be pretty light. I know, I know! There’s a lot of exciting articles and news that require translation; it’s all so confusing otherwise, isn’t it? Not to worry: We’ll be back this weekend and get caught up on all the F1 news that’s fit to translate. Thanks, everyone, for all the “likes” and “follows”!

Marko, Translated

Danke to MotorSportsTalk for the link.

I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

Red Bull advisor Helmut Marko has revealed that the team considers the dispute between Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber to be over.

Vettel ignored team orders to overtake Webber for the lead in the dying stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix last Sunday, as the internal tension at Red Bull boiled over for all to see. Although many believe the matter is far from over, Marko has assured the media that the issue has been put to bed.

“In the debrief afterwards, there was the relevant discussions about the race and then there was a handshake between the two drivers,” Marko said to the BBC.

“For us, now, the issue is settled.”

Marko has frequently favored Vettel over Webber, calling the Australian “inconsistent”, but on this matter he has said that triple-champion Vettel was in the wrong.

“I don’t think he will do that again.

“They don’t have to be completely on the same page but it must be a solid working partnership.”

Although the handshake between the two drivers suggests that the situation is not irreparable, the matter is likely to still be the talk of the paddock when Formula One returns in two weeks’ time at the Chinese Grand Prix. However, Red Bull will be keen on drawing a line underneath the entire dispute, in order to prevent their championship charge being damaged from the inside.

Marko – “This shit is over because VET and I say it’s over. Anybody who continues to have a problem with this shit, they are the one with the problem. Then we’re gonna have a problem.”

You know, I remember this one time, I was a kid. This other kid: some asshole in his half-tint, rim-less glasses was giving me shit. Probably for being a fat dork, which, hey. Somehow, his mom gets involved and makes us shake hands. I never saw that kid again. I can assure you, my fat dork status notwithstanding, I would’ve attempted to kick the shit out of that kid, had we crossed paths.

I’m betting WEB holds that “handshake” in the same light. Just sayin