2013 Japanese Grand Prix, Post-Qualifying Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

 

“Seb, you think it’s disgusting that I touched my balls and then shook your hand? Shit, I’m fucking drinking my ball sweat right now! Tastes like holy water, yo!”

Red Bull

Mark Webber (1st, Q3 – 1m 30.915)

“It’s a great track and we always enjoy driving here. The laps weren’t too bad today to be honest, but you always want a little bit more here and there. Sebastian had a problem in qualifying, so it’s a little bit of a hollow pole position if you like; he still did a phenomenal lap. But, I’m happy to be on pole; you have to grab the opportunities when you can and still get the laps in. It’s a very, very nice farewell for me to have pole position on my last attempt here at Suzuka. It’s a great circuit and I’ll never forget the first sector today, it’s what us guys strive for and it’s what our profession is all about; driving that is a real highlight for us.”

WEB – “I could tell something was a little jinky right off, mate. Something about the car felt bodgy. Then I realized the car wasn’t bodgy, the car was perfect and I just wasn’t used to perfection. Next thing I noticed was this picture of Marko, Seb and Cristian together on a beach and it was covered in sparkles and unicorn stickers. I kinda looked around to see if anyone was putting me on and everyone was acting quite normal. I figured: fuck it: I’ll drive this car and see what happens. The only real problem was getting used the Seb’s seat. It’s formed for his metallic endo-skeleton so it wasn’t very comfortable. I’ll do my best to not hold the VET-Bot 2000 up at the start. Really.”

Sebastian Vettel (2nd, Q3 – 1m 31.089s)
“First of all congratulations to Mark, I think he did a very good lap. We had an issue in qualifying, but I’m not a big fan of thinking that without this, with this, if this, you know… it’s always unknown and we’re P2. I’m happy with the result, a front row for the team is great. The car was phenomenal today, especially in the first sector. You realise afterwards that the car was really fantastic through there and you don’t get many days when the car feels that great and you can really push it to the limit. I enjoyed qualifying today and I’m happy with second place”

VET – “They make him race with this car?! Man, if I had emotions, I’d feel really bad for him.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“It’s great to have secured front row for tomorrow’s race. It was a very strong performance by Mark today to claim his first pole of the year and Sebastian, despite the failure of KERS on his car, produced a great lap also to get onto the front row for tomorrow’s race. We need to understand the issue with his car, as it’s the second session we had a KERS problem. Hopefully we can convert these very strong grid positions into a good points haul tomorrow.”

Horner – “Can someone take this call from Marko? He won’t stop fucking calling me or texting me about what happened.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton (3rd, Q3 – 1m 31.253s)

“I am really happy with P3 on the grid and the team has done a great job this weekend, so thank you to everybody for their hard work. It seems to me that we have a better package here than we’ve had for a while and the car felt awesome to drive. The wind direction changed around from yesterday’s practice session and that changed the characteristics of the circuit, which felt like it had much more grip. Third place is a strong result from Qualifying but the Red Bulls were just out of reach today. Managing the tyre degradation will be key tomorrow so hopefully we can get a good start from the clean side of the grid, then see what we can do from there against the guys in front.”

HAM – “Like any borderline bi-polar sociopath, I’m pretty happy when shit goes my way. When this fucking Merc craps out come race-time, watch for my hang-dog, victim bullshit to rear its lovely head. Pray for me. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg (6th, Q3 – 1m 31.397s)
“It was a good lap but it’s annoying when you step out of the car and the gap to the cars ahead is so close. I have put my set-up more towards tomorrow afternoon, so I’m quite confident about what will be a challenging race for the tyres. P6 is not a bad position to start from and I will try to climb some places up the order. Qualifying always involves some compromises in terms of set-up but we saw in Korea that it was working out quite well for me in the race until my wing broke. I hope we have found the same good balance between qualifying and race performance this weekend.”

ROS – I’m sorta torn between placing two spots behind HAM due to a sparky, fall-y-off-y nose and having that to rub in his face and coming in two spots ahead of him and having the little angels dance on my cock. Either way, I’m totally jizzing inside this suit.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean (4th, Q3 – 1m 31.365s)

“The Red Bulls have looked very strong and we knew it would be tight with Lewis [Hamilton] for P3, so I think we did a good job to take P4. The car feels much better than it did yesterday; especially on the hard tyres which we had been struggling with previously but were then fastest with in Q1 today. The team worked hard to address this overnight and we’ve shown great progress through the weekend once again. It’s a tight, technical circuit, the wind is still making things tricky and it should stay pretty hot, so it’ll be interesting to see what we can do in the race. I’m feeling pretty good.”

GRO – “I’m wondering if they pulled a “Red Bull Special” on me and gave me Kimi’s car for Quali.”

Kimi Raikkonen (9th, Q3 – 1m 31.684s)
“The car has felt much better here than it has in recent races; even if we don’t have a better position on the grid for tomorrow. A small mistake on my quick lap cost me a little bit of time and it’s very close here, so a small amount lost can mean quite a few positions dropped. We’ll have to see what happens in the race, but the car has certainly been more to my liking this weekend so the position on the grid is not a drama.”

RAI – “Motherfuckers. You gave me Romain’s car!!!”

Felipe Massa (5th, Q3 – 1m 31.378s)
“Managing to put together a perfect lap on this incredible track is always extremely satisfying and it reminded me of my pole here in 2006. Even if it’s a fifth place, it’s still a good starting point for tomorrow. Already yesterday, I could feel the car was well balanced and today we did a good job, managing to get all the potential out of it. More than this was not possible, but I am very happy all the same. Sure, tomorrow’s race will not be easy, because we have some very fast cars ahead of us, but we can be in the game and for that we must concentrate to the maximum on strategy and tyre management. Getting a good result will depend very much on having a strong pace. Last year, I finished second here and this evening I will try and remember how I did it.”

MAS – “Guys! I qualified ahead of Alonso! Guys! Wait. Did you fuckers give me Alonso’s car?! You bastards!”

Fernando Alonso (8th, Q3 – 1m 31.665s)
“Today’s result is more or less what we were expecting, not having had a great pace all weekend, always being between sixth and tenth and even in Q3, I could not do more. Here the long run tests went better in terms of degradation than in Korea and that gives us hope that we can make up ground in the race. Tomorrow, we will give it our best shot, as always, trying to count on our strong points; the start, the strategy and the way we manage tyre degradation. The aim is definitely not just to finish in the first eight to keep the Championship alive, because if Vettel doesn’t win here, he will do it in one of the next races, when the number of combinations that can affect the result will be less. Now we need to pick up points for second place in the Constructors’ Championship and for that we need to finish ahead of Mercedes, who are only one point behind us.”

ALO – “They make him race with this car?! Man, if I had emotions, I’d feel really bad for him.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg (7th, Q3 – 1m 31.644s)

“We knew we could fight for the top ten today, but P7 is a nice surprise. It was very tight, everything had to fall into place and I think we managed to do that. Compared to yesterday, the wind changed so we had a tail wind on the straights and this makes you really quick. That means we have a head wind in sector one, which gives you a lot of grip. It was so much fun to put a really good lap together in Q3. I am very happy. Clearly tomorrow we’ll be aiming for points.”

HUL – “P7! In a Sauber! Get in line, bitches! Look at my ass! Yeah! You know why it’s so fucking perfect? ALL THE FAT!  It’s doesn’t matter! You want this fat ass so bad right now! You know why I’m so fucking fast right now? Desperation!!!”

McLaren
Jenson Button (10th, Q3 – 1m 31.827s)

“In Q3 at Suzuka you want to go out and have fun – which is exactly what I did. I couldn’t have gone any quicker. I did three laps in Q2 and Q3 that were almost identical, so I think P10 was as good as our car could get here today. There wasn’t any more time left out on the track, but it was fun trying to find it! Looking forward to tomorrow’s grand prix, I think it’s going to be a different sort of race to those we’ve experienced recently, because the tyre degradation is more reasonable here than it’s been in previous races. Actually, I think both compounds are working well here. I’m really looking forward to the race, and hopefully we’ll be able to make progress and bag a decent haul of points. It’s going to be tough out there though – but that’s why we enjoy this sport.”

BUT – “Fun! I’m having fun! I enjoy this sport! I’m having fun in this enjoyable sport! My sports therapist has been working with me on positive reinforcement. It’s totally working!”

Sergio Perez (11th, Q2 – 1m 31.989s)
“It was frustrating to miss out on Q3 by the smallest of margins. It was extremely close: my first set of tyres in Q2 were the Options I’d run during Q1 when we’d aborted because of the red flag. That meant my reference for my second Q2 run wasn’t ideal as I didn’t really know where the track was going. Obviously, yesterday we missed out on some useful track time owing to the accident, so this morning was spent trying to recover that time, changing set-up and learning about the track. To miss out by just over tenth wasn’t ideal but, on the other hand, I think we’re in a good position to score points tomorrow.”

PER – “How much longer is this season? It seems really long.”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo (16th, Q2 – 1m 32.485s)

“That wasn’t a good session for us, which is disappointing as yesterday was one of the best Fridays we have had in a while. The wind has played a bit of a part today, but we definitely should have been further up than that. I would have liked a better result of course, but we will have to see what we can do in the race. I just wasn’t happy with the balance of the car. Jev’s problem? I heard about it, but from what I’ve been told there’s no reason for me to be concerned about it for the race, as everything was fine on my car.”

RIC – “Those A-holes told me they were going to give me Mark’s car this weekend. I think something got fucked up. I suppose I should just get used to being fucked over my Cristian. Man, and I put unicorn emoticons in all my texts to him this week!”

Marussia
Max Chilton (19th, Q1 – 1m 34.320s)
“I’m so happy to have put us ahead of both Caterhams’ in qualifying for the first time since China. One would have been a result, but to beat both Pic and Van der Garde is really incredible and shows just how much fight there is in all of us at this crucial stage in the season. It has not been the most straightforward weekend for us on track and leaving the garage after the red flag, with just under three minutes of the Q1 session, remaining seemed like a tough ask. The track conditions had also shifted in that time and the wind made things more difficult in sector one for sure. I gave it all I had and my lap was as good as I could have asked of myself. I’m just really looking forward to my first Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka and I hope we can carry the momentum through into the race tomorrow. Well done to all of us in the team.”

CHI – “OH HELLS YESSSSS!!!!!! QUALIFIED IN 19TH PLACE!!!!! THIS RACING SHIT IS AWESOME!!!!! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“It’s been an action-packed day at Suzuka, which is a sign of just how challenging this circuit is. There has been quite a high degree of track evolution over the weekend so far and we’d expect to see two pit stops in the normal course of events tomorrow. There’s a much smaller lap time difference between the two nominated compounds than we’ve had in the previous two races, which clearly had an effect on the strategy as it made it easier for the frontrunners to get through Q1 using the hard compounds, as we saw with Grosjean’s impressive run through Q1. This opens up different strategic possibilities for the race tomorrow, with a number of options potentially paying off. The times are actually very close, so there’s an opportunity for strategy to really make a difference. Although this is a very demanding track for tyres, with the highest lateral energy loads of the year, wear and degradation is where we expect it to be: we saw in qualifying that times didn’t drop off significantly even with used tyres.”

Hembrey – “As with every week: Y’all can go fuck yerselves.”

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