Mercedes

Nico Rosberg (1st)
“This is a great moment for me and our team to win in the home of motor racing at Silverstone. We have such great momentum in our Silver Arrows team and I’m very proud to be part of it. This win is for every single person who has been involved in building our car. It was a shame for Lewis today, and I had also a problem with my tyre but I was lucky because of the Safety Car. It was so special to win today, especially in front of fellow team members and their families as our factory is only ten minutes away from the track. The race was really exciting. I had to manage the tyres really carefully, I was told to avoid the kerbs. At the end, it was difficult to hold Mark and to look after my tyres but I was able to keep the position, and take a great victory for us. Now we can look forward to another home race next weekend at the Nurburgring.”

ROS – “Yeah, it’s a shame when fucking karma comes and, like a magical unicorn filled with sparkles and light; a unicorn that poops bacon, fucking rains down the absolute justice of the universe onto the cheesiest cheeseball that ever cheesed a ball. Tonight, when I go to sleep, my soft soft pillow will be filled with the sounds of the synapses in HAM’s head, trying to make the picture of himself sending a text to his soul and in the text is the understanding that his not-winning is what God wants, that he is not God’s favorite, and every time he prays about winning, the devil pulls out his giant, red cock and masturbates all over the damned. Fucking ‘Bless’, my ass.”

Lewis Hamilton (4th)
“Of course, I’m disappointed by today’s race and I would have loved to deliver the win this afternoon for all the British fans here at Silverstone. The race started so well for us today; I felt comfortable out in front and was managing my pace. The tyre problem was such a shame and from then, it was just a case of giving it my all and battling as far up the field as possible. I had some good overtaking moves and, given another lap, I might have got Fernando and ended up on the podium. Everything considered, fourth place is pretty good after having been last on lap 10 and we’ll take that. It’s a great result for the team today, big congratulations to Nico who came through a tricky situation to take the win for us. We’ve now moved up to second place in the constructors’ championship which is a nice reward for everyone at the factories just down the road from here.”

HAM – “Happy! I’m so happy for everyone! If I keep shouting about how happy I am for everyone, perhaps I won’t hear the words of Nicole’s text in my head: the words ‘I’ and ‘am’ and ‘dumping’ and ‘your’ and ‘giant’ and ‘earringed’ and ‘ass’. The words ‘Walk your own fucking not-really-even-your-dog dog’ were in that text, too. If I keep shouting how happy I am, I won’t hear my mother and father debating over which child will be their favorite next.  Over my shouting, I won’t hear Ross and Wolffie telling everyone that ‘at least we have a Number Two driver’ with a shrug. Over my shouting (and my my dope beats) (and my Haribo-chewing), I wont hear my quiet sobbing. /sniff/ Bless.”

Red Bull

Mark Webber (2nd)
“What a day! I don’t think any of us expected it to unfold like this. The start was pretty bad, we have to look into that as we had had a good run of starts recently. Then I had contact with Grosjean and the wing was damaged; the boys did a great job in the stop when they changed it, After that we got into the race. I was praying for a safety car, but not for the reason they were coming, as you knew you could be next. When you have something like that, it’s Russian Roulette; when you see that many tyre issues for the fellow competitors then it’s never comforting. I made the most of those safety cars – and today the strategy was one of the best we’ve done. I think it worked very, very well. I worked hard to manipulate the pace when I had to and then it was Nico and I left at the end. It would have been nice to have had a few more laps, but that’s how it was today. It was nearly a really special day, but it was still a nice day.”

WEB – “I’m not sure how this week could’ve been better! I got a new razor for my third shave of the day, so I only had, what – for a normal human – would be three-day’s growth by the end of the race. Hmmm. . . Maybe, instead of struggling with my Viagra dosage and starting like a chump, I need to examine the effect my facial hair is having on the performance of the car! I do get faster has the race progresses. . . Perhaps there’s a correlation! Anyway: awesome week! New razor, got the F1 monkey off my back, took a shit of start and polished into a 2nd place silver cowpie. . . . What else happened. . .. hmmmm. . .oh, yeah! FUCKING VET DNF’D!! HA HAHA HAHAHAHHHAAAA HA!!! WOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!”

Sebastian Vettel (DNF)
“Obviously it’s quite disappointing to retire when we were only a few laps from the end. We had a gearbox issue, I think fifth gear broke and damaged the rest of the gearbox as well, so it was not possible to carry on. It’s a shame because we were in a good position and it’s a nice race to win here, so yeah I guess we have to come back next year and try again. It’s good that it’s only a short time until the next race.”

VET – “Bernie told me if I walked off with this one, ratings would suffer. I knew something was up when Newey asked to open my brain flap and I felt some tugging at the ‘FUCKING WIN AT ALL COSTS’ servo. I’m like the anti pre-scandal Armstrong. . . . . .. Hmmmm, I need to talk to my programmers about ‘getting’ cancer and then coming back, all sympathetic n’shit. I could come back from cancer, win every GP, poop on the podium and people would be all, ‘Oh, that’s just VET being VET.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso (3rd)
“If I’d been told this morning that I would have ended up on the podium, I would not have believed it possible. Yesterday in qualifying, we finished a long way down and our expectations for this race were to aim for a fifth or sixth place, hoping to score as many points as possible. After some negative experiences, today we can say we were lucky on a few occasions, beginning with Perez and then at the first stop with a completely worn out tyre – fortunately at the last corner – and then with Vettel’s retirement. At the end of a difficult weekend, it was unimaginable that we could make up so much ground, but now we must try and improve, starting with the very next race in Germany. Only there will we understand if we have indeed slipped backwards or if this weekend was a one-off. Up until the Canadian Grand Prix we saw a Ferrari capable of fighting for the podium, but one that struggled a bit in qualifying, before then having a great race pace, so now the aim is to get back to that situation. It’s impossible to say what happened to the tyres and that’s something the experts will have to clear up.”

ALO – “I’m rockin’ the new facial hair; drivin’ like a man possessed, a sexy surgeon of asphalt slowpokes. I got shit blowin’ up in my face, rubber and belts and carbon all up in my grill. I will this car onto the podium. I am a speed potter, molding this lumpy red-hued clay into something fast and magic. All that, and it took a VET ‘mechanical’ to get me on the podium. All that, and they give a silver cowpie. Fucking British.”

Felipe Massa (6th)
“I am very pleased with my race which this time was truly impeccable. After a fantastic start and a perfect first lap, maybe one of the best of my career, I managed to drive an attacking first stint. On lap 10, when I was right in the middle of the corner at Turn 5, my left rear tyre failed and I had to pit. After this forced stop, I found myself last and from then on, I began a great charge up the order, thanks to a lot of very nice passing moves. Without that tyre problem I could have made it to the podium, because today I had a good feeling with the car and both myself and Fernando had shown we could fight with those at the front. Now, our greatest concern revolves around safety, because even if I can’t really tell what happened today, it’s unacceptable having to drive knowing you are not safe. Even if, luckily, nothing serious happened, what we saw is very dangerous. I already had this problem twice before in Bahrain and if something isn’t done about it as soon as possible, I am sure it will happen again. In a few days we will be at the Nürburgring, a track I like a lot and where I hope to have a car that is more competitive in qualifying, so that I can start further forward, which would allow me to have another strong race.”

MAS – “WOOO-HOOOOO! FUCKING FINISHED AGAIN!!! Godhatesme. WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!”

Lotus

Kimi Raikkonen (5th)
“I tried to hold on at the end of the race, but with tyres that were maybe twenty laps older than the others’ it was impossible to keep them behind. It’s a shame as the race went pretty well until then; we had good pace and looked set for a pretty easy P2, but this is racing sometimes. It’s three races now where we haven’t had the result we maybe expect, but hopefully if we can have a bit more luck and also get rid of some of the mistakes we’ll be able to get back to the front.”

RAI – “This shit keeps up, I’ll have a fucking lobotomy just so I can tolerate being VET’s team-mate.”

Romain Grosjean (19th)
“Towards the end of the race we lost quite a big part of the front wing meaning it became really difficult to drive, so in the end it was best to retire because of safety considerations. We don’t know if it was caused by some debris or something to do with the fact that it was a new part; we will be working to find out the root of the problem. Before that my race wasn’t going quite to plan and we were suffering with tyre performance. This was related to the front wing issue which started earlier in the race. The safety cars didn’t really go our way either so it’s a race I’d rather forget. Let’s go to Germany and have a better weekend.”

GRO – “Perhaps there’s a nice community college where a can participate in a nice 18-month program to get my certification in a productive career. I hear there’s lots of opportunity in the fields of: Dental Hygienist, Bartender, Home Inspector, HVAC Technician, Auto Mechan. . . .Wait, no. Nothing with cars, nothing with cars.”

Eric Boullier, Lotus team principal
“The outcome of the race isn’t rewarding with the amount of work that has been done by the team recently. Most of the upgrades we brought here seem to be working which is a positive sign, although we did struggle a bit in qualifying to generate good grip from the tyres. Our strategy was great today until the last safety car when we should have called Kimi in to save at least one position and make the podium. Unfortunately, we made the wrong call for which we apologise to Kimi and to the team. This sometimes happens and it isn’t easy to manage when you have so many safety car periods. We will be in Germany in a few days’ time where we’re confident we will be competitive and aiming to make amends.”

Alan Permane, Lotus trackside operations director
“We have mixed feelings today. We made some good places up during the race but in hindsight, we should have pitted Kimi at the final safety car. It wasn’t obvious at the time, but the benefit of hindsight is always enlightening. Romain had a front wing failure near the end of the race, the cause of which we don’t know yet. We weren’t affected by the tyres issues that we have seen today but warned our drivers to stay clear of the kerb at Turn 4 as there was a suspicion it might be the cause. Despite not being as good as it could have been, it was a better weekend for us than the last two. Further upgrades we have coming for Germany mean we fight on.”

Boullier/Permane – “Kimi! Please don’t leave! We promise we’ll be better!”

Force India
Adrian Sutil (7th)
“The start of the race was looking very good because we were always planning a two-stop strategy and I was up into fourth on lap one. It was a challenge to look after the tyres and keep them going, but the main problem for me was the second safety car because the cars around me chose to pit. I stayed out and was third at the restart, but the cars behind with fresh rubber had a big advantage and were able to overtake me quite easily in the final few laps. It’s disappointing to slip back so close to the finish, but seventh place gives us some good points so we can be happy with the result.”

SUT – “One more race like this and I won’t have to fly Coach to Budapest!”

Paul di Resta (9th)
“That wasn’t the cleanest of races for me, but given everything that’s happened this weekend I think we can feel satisfied with two points today. It was a bit of a scruffy race because I lost my front wing trying to get ahead of Nico [Hulkenberg], so we chose to change it when the safety car came out, which probably cost me a couple of positions. Towards the end of the race I had fresh tyres, and was closing in on Ricciardo, but I ran out of laps and he was just out of reach. So a weekend of highs and lows, but it’s definitely good to continue our points run and have another double points finish for the team.”

RES – “One more race like this and I won’t have to fly to Budapest in the luggage hold!”

Toro Rosso

Daniel Ricciardo (8th)
“That was a chaotic race, but for most of it I was in a reasonably strong position. I didn’t get the best of starts, but managed to make up for that, however I then lost a bit of time at both pit stops. Towards the end of the race, I had a very good pace but I think we might have done better with a different strategy when the last safety car came out as prior to that I could match the Force India and the Ferraris. At the end we were on used tyres and those who changed for a third time were able to pass me. Eighth is a good result, but I see it as a missed opportunity to score more points, because today we were quicker than the Ferraris so to finish behind them, particularly Massa who had a tyre problem, is a bit disappointing. I don’t know what was happening with the tyres, as I kept seeing people going off the track and there was debris everywhere. It was a little bit dangerous and we need to look into it. For my part, I just had normal degradation.”

RIC – “Has WEB retired yet? When’s the end of the season? I’m already practicing pretending that VET is human and not staring when they attach his head.”

Jean-Eric Vergne (DNF)
“I got a bad start and that’s something we must look at carefully, as it compromised our performance. But it would not have made a big difference today, because of the problem I had when my tyre failed. I don’t know what happened, I did not feel any warning signs and it just let go under braking. I did manage to come back to the pits, fit new tyres and go out again, but the team immediately told me I had quite significant damage to the car, which in any case I could feel. The car was very difficult to drive from then on and in the end, the team took the decision to retire me, as there was no sense in carrying on. I did not feel in danger, but it’s just a shame that this sort of problem can waste a whole weekend’s work for the team. I am very upset about it and something needs to be done about it soon. So, from a results point of view, this is a race to forget, but I believe we showed the car was very quick and we can be in the fight in the coming races.”

VER – “Man, if it weren’t for these tyres, I would’ve come in, like, 18th! Or even 17th! Man! C’mon!”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg (10th)
“The race today was a lot of fun. I hade some good duels and was able to push to the limit. It was fun to drive the car on such a high-speed track like Silverstone. At a point in the race, I lost the overview of what was going on, with the two safety cars and lots of tyre debris on the track. I had a slow puncture during my second stint, which is why we had to pit earlier. I think our speed was what we expected it to be, and overall was better than in qualifying yesterday.”

HUL – “If Force India is the new Ferrari, can we be the new Force India!?”

Esteban Gutierrez (14th)
“It was a crazy race, because a lot of things happened and I just tried to focus and make the best out of the situation. I had to pit because of a problem with my front left tyre. This also damaged my front wing, which forced me to pit again two laps later. This is something that needs to be looked into for safety reasons and also to avoid having a race that is defined by the tyres. The car was still a bit tricky to drive in the slow corners, but overall it was ok.”

GUT – “Wowzers! I’ve seen fewer blow outs on the road from the DF to Cuernavaca!”

Williams

Pastor Maldonado (11th)
“It was a difficult race but our pace was consistent. We weren’t quick enough but I was happy with the balance of the car and we had no problems with our tyres. I am looking forward to continuing to improve, particularly in qualifying. We were close to scoring our first point today, but before the second restart I was on the inside when Hulkenberg went off the track and he made contact with me when he rejoined, which cost me two positions.”

MAL – “Almost got a point! I’ve been working on my numbers, so I’m pretty excited to almost have gotten a point!”

Valtteri Bottas (12th)
“It wasn’t an easy race for me because the car was quite difficult to handle. We didn’t have the best set-up for qualifying and the race, and we also lost some time in the pit stops, so we need to improve in all areas moving forward. Points were certainly possible today but unfortunately we just missed out.”

BOT – “I’m acting sad about missing out on some points but, really, I’m sort of glad because trying to help MAL with numbers n’shit has gotten really old lately. Used to be, he’d just be fine hitting other cars. Now he wants points and he wants to know how to add the points and, ugh, it’s just so many questions and I have my own shit to deal with.”

McLaren
Jenson Button (13th)
“I started on the Prime tyre, but that quickly grained and gave me problems early on in the first stint. I was happier on the Option. Our pace wasn’t too bad, but the last stint was particularly tough. After the final Safety Car, there wasn’t a lot of tread left on my tyres, so getting them up to temperature was very tricky – we struggle with that anyway. Into the closing laps, I was vulnerable. All the cars on fresher tyres were fighting to get past, and as soon as I went offline to defend, it became even more difficult to get temperature back into the tyre. For safety reasons, the reasons behind this weekend’s tyre failures need to be addressed. It’s dangerous for the driver of the car, because he can lose control; but it’s also dangerous for the driver of the car behind, because you can get hit by a belt of rubber. Hopefully, things can be changed for the next race. Finally, I want to say a big ‘thank-you’ to all the fans who have supported us this weekend. Every year, your support seems to grow bigger, and your passion for the sport grows deeper – it has been an honour and a privilege to race in front of such an enthusiastic bunch of people. Your support has truly made my weekend. So, thank you.”

BUT – “If it weren’t for the fans and all the groupies who want to fuck me and my hot girlfriend, who actually is fucking me, I’d probably just kill myself. So, jesus, thanks everybody!”

Sergio Perez (20th)
“This was a big shame for the team – we needed this result. My race had been going well. I’d been running inside the top 10 for most of the afternoon when my left-rear tyre suddenly exploded. I just felt an explosion along the Hangar Straight – there was nothing I could really do about it. The tyres are a big concern. Luckily nothing too serious happened to anyone, but we need to sit down together, get an explanation and get something done. Overall, we made a solid improvement through the weekend. We made some useful improvements and showed that our pace is a step forward. Those are all positives to take away. We were just very unlucky today.”

PER – “You fuckers: I had to watch fucking CHI with that big, stupid grin on his face, fucking clinging to the steering wheel, fucking happy and scared all at once, beat my ass this weekend. Now I have to go to Germany and listen to that Ompa-oompa shit all weekend? It’s bad enough, listening to that beat at home in Mexico, now I have to hear in Germany?! If it weren’t for BUT’s girlfriend, I’d kill myself.”

Caterham
Charles Pic (15th)
“I think that was a pretty good race, I’m pleased with how it went. We were managing the tyre deg for most of the afternoon but just before the last safety car came out I was ahead of Bottas and looking at an exciting last few laps. We finally ended up 15th which is not too bad, and we were comfortably ahead of our nearest competitors so it’s a reasonably positive result, despite losing a lot of the gains we’d made when the second safety car came out. For me this has been a good weekend, one where we’ve started to get a bit back to the performance levels we saw in Bahrain and Spain. The pitstops were good, we ran to a strategy that gave me a chance to fight the Williams cars until the flag and we have a lot more information about the updates we brought here, both from today and the aero work we did yesterday. Overall this puts us in a much better position than we were in when we left Canada so now we’ll go straight to Germany and aim to continue this upward curve there.”

PIC – “Kidneys and Clag! My fav! It’s so much fun to tell people I spell it “Kidneys and Klag”! Fucking cracks me up everytime!”

Giedo van der Garde (18th)
“That was a bit of a frustrating afternoon to be honest, but there wasn’t much more I could do. We started the race running with a strategy we’d begun yesterday in FP3 and in quali which was all about managing the tyre deg as long as possible so we could take advantage of anything that happened ahead. The plan was running ok and we were on target for managing the deg levels but then the first safety car came out and as we’d already boxed we effectively lost track time to everyone who hadn’t stopped. With the position we were in then in the race there wasn’t a lot more we could do so we continued with the plan and it was working ok for the last stint, but then we had the second safety car straight after I’d stopped again so it was back to where we’d been at the start. As we only had a few laps left and I was on new mediums I was able to push to the flag and had a good battle with Chilton right until we crossed the line, practically together. I did pass him with a couple of laps left, but it was very tight on track and I had to give the place back which is obviously a shame, but we had a clean fight and without the safety cars I think I’d have been clear of him. Even though we went into this weekend knowing we had a fight on our hands I think we’ve made a bit of progress, getting us nearer to where we want to be relative to our nearest rivals. Next it’s Germany on a track I like racing on and, coming straight after Silverstone, we can keep pushing on. That’s what this season’s all about, keep learning, keep fighting and never give up.”

GAR – “I’ve been possessed by the demon spirit of HAM. Get me an exorcism, stat!!”

Marussia

Jules Bianchi (16th)
“Generally a difficult race, which began with quite a bad start. After that I just had to follow Charles, but it was a fight to stay with him as the Caterham was a bit stronger today. We decided to pit early but then the first safety car period followed and so that didn’t work out for us. For the rest of the race it was the same story until the last safety car, which could have been another opportunity to get past, but although the gap was narrow we were unable to get by. It has not been a straightforward weekend and we have just a couple of days to get to grips with that before we head to Germany, where we hope for better things.”

BIA – “Eating PIC’s clag leftovers was fine. I just put some curry on that clag. Listening to his joke about spelling clag with a ‘K’ got on my fucking nerves, though.”

Max Chilton (17th)
“Today has been a day that I will never forget. I was really psyched on the grid and got a great start, which helped. I got past Jules and Pic at the start, they passed again and then I took back position and we had a really close tussle for the first few laps. They just had a little bit better pace for a few laps and I dropped behind Van Der Garde. I got passed him again right towards the end and we would have been fine but then the safety car came out and he had just pitted, so that worked out really well for him. He had the final 10 laps on new tyres and I was on old tyres, so we had a great fight, but I managed to keep him behind me at the end. All in all, an eventful weekend with so many experiences to take away with me.”

CHI – “GUYS!!! WHEN IS THIS SHIT NOT AWESOME?!!!! I DIDN’T EVEN COME IN LAST!!!!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT??!!! I LOVE THIS RACING SHIT!!!!!!”

Pirelli

Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director
“There have obviously been some issues with rear-left tyre failures which we have not seen before. We are taking the situation very seriously and we are currently investigating all tyres to determine the cause as soon as possible, ahead of the next Grand Prix in Germany. At the moment, we can’t really say much more until we have fully investigated and analysed all of these incidents, which is our top priority. However, we can exclude that the new bonding process, which we introduced at this race, is at cause for the tyre failures we have seen today. There might be some aspect to this circuit that impacts specifically on the latest version of our 2013 specification tyres but at this point we do not want to speculate but will now put together all the evidence to find out what happened and then take appropriate next steps should these be required.”

Hembry – “Does anyone have a rock I could hide under?”