HAM – I wrote a song for you, Nicole. It’s called “P1”. Guys? Ready? OK, here we go: “Ohhh, I love me some take-out! Sichuan, Mandarin: I don’t care. . oh, yeah! I love this track! Ohh, FRIC: I think I love you more than Hariboooo! Yeah, baby!” Bless.

RAI – All you bitches didn’t want to believe Malaysia was a fluke! Remember me, not behind the door, not in the closet. . .BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN!!! Lights out, baby. Lights out.

ALO – Just wanted to show all y’all what we can rock when, you know, all the parts stay on the car. Sorry, all you lovers of tyre doughnuts!

ROS – Thank heavens we don’t worry about the whole “#1 ,#2” thing at this team! That means, when ALO goes sparky-bye-bye and Kimi goes down the wrong track, I’ll have a shot .. . ’cause there’s no #1 or #2 on this team!

MAS – The bitch is back, bitches!

GRO – I’m pretty sure they gave me all the awesome shit they give Kimi!

RIC – So, guys, um,  I’m confused: when you start in the top ten. . .. .Wait, what! I’m P7?! Oh, fuck! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?! Breathe, Daniel. Breeeatthhe.

BUT – Secretly, PER bought that Estrella Rojo bus. I totally qualified in it. It was a bitch, too, because all the buttons in this thing are in Spanish. Does anybody know what “Este buton es para pedir una Michelada” means?

VET – Seriously, you guys HAVE to stop playing the Darth Vader Theme when I walk in the room!

HUL – Oh, momentum of 2012! You were so fleeting! Come back! I’ll be good! I promise!

RES – I think I accidentally got Adrian’s spot.

PER – I went with a bus from Flecha de Rojo. I should’ve known better. Every time, on the way to Jalapa, the driver would stop for epazote. This thing REEKS of epazote!

SUT – Isn’t China close to Australia?! Sonofabitch!

WEB – No matter, mate: I’ve got the eucalyptus hidden in Seb’s helmet; I’ve got the koala in my suit. First time I pass VET, that fucking koala is going to eat his fucking heart to get to that plant. After that, it’s clag city. . .and I’m ok with that!

MAL – Ugh.

VER – Ugh.

BOT – I suppose you think this is funny.

GUT – Where can I get one of those Flecha de Rojo buses?!

BIA – Glad to be here!

CHI – GUYS! CHECK IT OUT! NOT IN LAST PLACE!! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!

PIC – I’m so torn: clag with black bean sauce or clag in garlic sauce. . . I can’t remember what I had last time. .. um. . .ok, before I forget, while I’m deciding: I want an order of two clag egg rolls.

GAR – Glad to be here!