Horner, Translated

Aside

Let’s see. . . . which excuse will seem the most valid? Augh! I wish one of these telemetry screens would just list some excuse options!”

Danke to Adam Scott.

Christian Horner says he doesn’t know why Red Bull lost performance in China after being so strong in the first two races, but expects form to ebb and flow each weekend.

It was lack of one-lap pace relative to the opposition that ultimate tipped RBR towards starting on the medium tyre and using the soft at the end.

“I’m not sure, to be honest with you,” said Horner when asked about the car’s Shanghai form. “The last couple of years this track hasn’t been out strongest. It has a heavy emphasis on front wear and degradation, you tend to be front limited here rather than rear. So we’ll see next weekend whether things move around in Bahrain.

“I think we’re seeing that qualifying is paying less of a premium than trying to preserve the tyres. Our car performs very, very well, it’s a quick car, but a quick car abuses the tyre more, and the tyres can’t cope with that.

“Obviously then we have to adapt our approach and set-up and the way that we operate the car to ensure that we get more out of the tyres. It’s the same for everybody, it’s just a different way of going about things.”

Meanwhile Horner insisted that Vettel would have been at least third in China had he not got caught behind Nico Hulkenberg in the opening stint.

“Seb managed to pass Jenson, who he knew he had to clear quickly, but then Hulkenberg cruised past both of them, and that cost him quite a bit of time in that first stint.

“If Sebastian had found one more second in that first stint and not been locked up behind him his race would have been quite different. He would certainly have been on the podium, and maybe even second. I think it was the right thing to do, it was worth giving it a go.”

Horner – It was Nico. It was software. It was the tyres. It was the track. We were out of major Constructor’s Points not due to anything fucked up that happened in qualifying. . . Noooo. . .It’s not the emotional pall of a dysfunctional family that everyone on the RBR paddock refuses to acknowledge. . . it’s, uh. . .. . what phase of the moon are we in? I know we shouldn’t have raced in China during the year of The Snake!

Advertisements

China GP Qualifying Translated

Don’t let me get in my zone.

HAM – I wrote a song for you, Nicole. It’s called “P1”. Guys? Ready? OK, here we go: “Ohhh, I love me some take-out! Sichuan, Mandarin: I don’t care. . oh, yeah! I love this track! Ohh, FRIC: I think I love you more than Hariboooo! Yeah, baby!” Bless.

RAI – All you bitches didn’t want to believe Malaysia was a fluke! Remember me, not behind the door, not in the closet. . .BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN!!! Lights out, baby. Lights out.

ALO – Just wanted to show all y’all what we can rock when, you know, all the parts stay on the car. Sorry, all you lovers of tyre doughnuts!

ROS – Thank heavens we don’t worry about the whole “#1 ,#2” thing at this team! That means, when ALO goes sparky-bye-bye and Kimi goes down the wrong track, I’ll have a shot .. . ’cause there’s no #1 or #2 on this team!

MAS – The bitch is back, bitches!

GRO – I’m pretty sure they gave me all the awesome shit they give Kimi!

RIC – So, guys, um,  I’m confused: when you start in the top ten. . .. .Wait, what! I’m P7?! Oh, fuck! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?! Breathe, Daniel. Breeeatthhe.

BUT – Secretly, PER bought that Estrella Rojo bus. I totally qualified in it. It was a bitch, too, because all the buttons in this thing are in Spanish. Does anybody know what “Este buton es para pedir una Michelada” means?

VET – Seriously, you guys HAVE to stop playing the Darth Vader Theme when I walk in the room!

HUL – Oh, momentum of 2012! You were so fleeting! Come back! I’ll be good! I promise!

RES – I think I accidentally got Adrian’s spot.

PER – I went with a bus from Flecha de Rojo. I should’ve known better. Every time, on the way to Jalapa, the driver would stop for epazote. This thing REEKS of epazote!

SUT – Isn’t China close to Australia?! Sonofabitch!

WEB – No matter, mate: I’ve got the eucalyptus hidden in Seb’s helmet; I’ve got the koala in my suit. First time I pass VET, that fucking koala is going to eat his fucking heart to get to that plant. After that, it’s clag city. . .and I’m ok with that!

MAL – Ugh.

VER – Ugh.

BOT – I suppose you think this is funny.

GUT – Where can I get one of those Flecha de Rojo buses?!

BIA – Glad to be here!

CHI – GUYS! CHECK IT OUT! NOT IN LAST PLACE!! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!

PIC – I’m so torn: clag with black bean sauce or clag in garlic sauce. . . I can’t remember what I had last time. .. um. . .ok, before I forget, while I’m deciding: I want an order of two clag egg rolls.

GAR – Glad to be here!

Button, Translated

Thanks to Mirror and McLaren Soul for the link.

Have you surfed Craigslist Mexico for used buses?! It’s all FREAKS! However, hey, they generally come with all their wheels! Hah! Ha. Uhhh.

Jenson Button roared ‘don’t write me off’ and insisted he could still be world champion this year.

And the 33-year-old said the scale of McLaren’s remarkable turnaround in Sepang had been so significant he has a smile back on his face despite scoring just two points in two races.

After struggling to ninth in a disastrous Melbourne debut for the radical new car the 2009 champion said his car would never win a race in its current state.

But just seven days later engineers unlocked the car’s true potential and Button was squaring up to battle Lewis Hamilton for a podium place in Malaysia.

Only a pit stop cock-up ruined his chances.

“The championship is still on as far as I am concerned and I am aiming for that. Definitely,” said Button.

“Sebastian almost beat me to the title in 2009 and he didn’t score for the first four races.

“It’s a massive turnaround for us. Most of the race in Sepang we were quicker than the Lotus. Most of the race we were quicker than Ferrari. Who would have thought that five days before?

“We are still not where we want to be and we got a bit lucky with the circuit being so smooth which helped a bit but a lot is understanding where the downforce is.

“The car is still not perfected, it was really thrown together for Sepang.

“The great thing is there are so many cars that are competitive and taking points off each other, which is exactly what we need.

“It was such a positive weekend until the pit stop and it hurt. And it hurt when I woke up the next day knowing we scored nothing and we could have, at worst, been fifth.

“It is what it is. We’ve got to move on and look forward to China.

“I just wish it wasn’t around three weeks away. In a way, though, that’s good because it gives us extra time to work on the car.

“For us the gap means more than it does to most teams because it gives us time to perfect the car.

“I am a very happy driver at the moment knowing we have improved so much.

“And I know what the team can achieve over the next few weeks to take a strong car to in China.

“I have gone from being pretty down in Melbourne to being a lot more positive in the five days between the first two races.

“Things are not all sorted. We still have issues and need to get the car’s ride sorted but in terms of development the car is much better. We’ve had a massive turnaround.

“We are still off the pace of the Red Bulls but it is still amazing how much you can move forward in five days and I was surprised to be in fifth and still being able to see the leader.”

BUT – “Hah. Yeah, Sergio and I were already shopping Craigslist in the D.F. for an old Estrella de Oro bus to race instead of the car. If we got a Plus model, we could transport the team and they could watch movies on the bus! Maybe even during the race. One of the mechanics has a pirated copy of “Rush” he got in Sepang.

When I say “it was really thrown together in Sepang”, I’m pretty much admitting that we really did have those pontoons on there with zip-ties. I know it sounds crazy, but it would have been awesome! We had all this extra space for the livery. But, hey, the cleansing monsoon we needed didn’t arrive.

We’ve made a lot of improvements using flash cards: We show the guys pictures of cars with four wheels going really fast and a “thumb’s up” and pictures of cars with three wheels with a big “NO” symbol on there. I think they’re really starting to get it!

But, seriously, the car was fucked, FUCKED! at the beginning of the year, and we’ve really made some headway in decoding the curse that HAM left, scribbled on the back of a Haribo bag. I think we just need a pair of ridiculously large, diamond earrings to correctly shine light on the text to reveal the answer.”