BEAST MODE: Pre-Translations for China GP 2013

Ermigawrd, tha Tyyrrrsh! Theerr tooo shhhurft! No, wait: Ermigard, the Tyyrrrrsh: therr too heeerd! We’re only going to come in sheeecoonnd!

Kiddies, has this been, like, the longest three weeks ever?! So many dysfunctional relationships, brewing like three week-old take out in the back of your fridge! Translation Services is SO HAPPY to see the teams and the racers tweeting from Shanghai! 

How many laps ’til WEB and VET toss all decorum out the window, climb out of their precious Newey-mobiles, and settle this shit mano a mano? I predict, in classic Aussie-style, Webbo pulls a feral, half-starved koala out of his suit, tosses into Seb’s car as Mark is passing him (against team orders) and laughs as the koala goes ape-shit over the eucalyptus that WEB has surreptitiously stashed under VET’s helmet. 

How many laps ’til Rosberg litters the track with Haribo candies, deployed from his car 007-style, in an effort to distract HAM and take some podium action? Later, Hamilton will say it wasn’t really Rosberg and his slick of candied cherries, it was that he was thinking about this really great song he was going to write for Nicole. Bless.

How many laps before ALO is running just. . . one. . . more . . . lap.. . on a rim or with something making sparks everywhere? No, no! Don’t pit yet, Fernando! We can squeeze just one more lap out! Do you have the duct tape we left in the cockpit?! Do you have it!? Ok, pull the car ov.. . . oh, fuck! More confetti covered tyre/doughnuts. Well, they look tasty!

How may laps until Massa regains his form completely and that ‘lil F1 driver we’ve missed so much quietly kicks everyone’s ass. . .Or places better than fourth? He’ll be on that comeback, finally, taking third . . all season.

How many laps before McLaren reveals the secret weapon they’ve been working on for the last three weeks: The ___________________!!!!!!!@!@!!@!!@!!!!!!1111!!!!! ? Psyche! We weren’t really working on anything! We all just took a bunch of happy pills and now we don’t really mind that we can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with the car.  .. other than the three wheel/four wheel controversy. Sergio! Do you still have the link to that bus in Jalapa?! Call that guy, will you? Thanks.

How many laps ’til Max Chilton CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S TOTALLY RACING IN THIS SHIT!!!? YOU GUYS! NOW WE ARE IN CHINA!?? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THIS IS NUTS!!! WOO-HOOOO!!!!

How many laps until Sutil is in his car, asking himself: “Ok, Australia, Australia. Something went right there. . .WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT??! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER!? AUGH!!”?

How many laps until Kimi tires of all y’all’s bullshit and calls upon the seven ice dragons to fly down from Linnunrata and just fucking deposit his ass in P1, call it a day and go have a beer? With or without the ice dragons, that’s how the shits going down!

Translation Services is happy because there will be a lot of fresh BS through which to paw. . . and find the truth.

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