Hey, Metric System! You make no sense! Everybody’s runnin’ around, saying, “Three kilos of fuel! Three kilos!” I don’t know what the fuck a ‘kilo’ is. I know 50’s pop hits, broad comedy and the sad, early days of VH1. I switched the thingy from ‘kg’ to ‘oz’ and put in 3. Job done!
Don’t let me get in my zone.
HAM – I wrote a song for you, Nicole. It’s called “P1”. Guys? Ready? OK, here we go: “Ohhh, I love me some take-out! Sichuan, Mandarin: I don’t care. . oh, yeah! I love this track! Ohh, FRIC: I think I love you more than Hariboooo! Yeah, baby!” Bless.
RAI – All you bitches didn’t want to believe Malaysia was a fluke! Remember me, not behind the door, not in the closet. . .BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN!!! Lights out, baby. Lights out.
ALO – Just wanted to show all y’all what we can rock when, you know, all the parts stay on the car. Sorry, all you lovers of tyre doughnuts!
ROS – Thank heavens we don’t worry about the whole “#1 ,#2” thing at this team! That means, when ALO goes sparky-bye-bye and Kimi goes down the wrong track, I’ll have a shot .. . ’cause there’s no #1 or #2 on this team!
MAS – The bitch is back, bitches!
GRO – I’m pretty sure they gave me all the awesome shit they give Kimi!
RIC – So, guys, um, I’m confused: when you start in the top ten. . .. .Wait, what! I’m P7?! Oh, fuck! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?! Breathe, Daniel. Breeeatthhe.
BUT – Secretly, PER bought that Estrella Rojo bus. I totally qualified in it. It was a bitch, too, because all the buttons in this thing are in Spanish. Does anybody know what “Este buton es para pedir una Michelada” means?
VET – Seriously, you guys HAVE to stop playing the Darth Vader Theme when I walk in the room!
HUL – Oh, momentum of 2012! You were so fleeting! Come back! I’ll be good! I promise!
RES – I think I accidentally got Adrian’s spot.
PER – I went with a bus from Flecha de Rojo. I should’ve known better. Every time, on the way to Jalapa, the driver would stop for epazote. This thing REEKS of epazote!
SUT – Isn’t China close to Australia?! Sonofabitch!
WEB – No matter, mate: I’ve got the eucalyptus hidden in Seb’s helmet; I’ve got the koala in my suit. First time I pass VET, that fucking koala is going to eat his fucking heart to get to that plant. After that, it’s clag city. . .and I’m ok with that!
MAL – Ugh.
VER – Ugh.
BOT – I suppose you think this is funny.
GUT – Where can I get one of those Flecha de Rojo buses?!
BIA – Glad to be here!
CHI – GUYS! CHECK IT OUT! NOT IN LAST PLACE!! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!
PIC – I’m so torn: clag with black bean sauce or clag in garlic sauce. . . I can’t remember what I had last time. .. um. . .ok, before I forget, while I’m deciding: I want an order of two clag egg rolls.
GAR – Glad to be here!
Webber: “I can see your ball sack shrinking.”
Psychologically, it must be very hard for you to deal with a guy who won’t sink to your level. It’s called fucking diplomacy.
Q: (Jonathan Legard – BBC Radio Five Live) Mark, how much have you resolved everything in your own mind over what happened at the last race and how to go forward and I suppose linked in there, is the haircut part of the new mean look?
MW: No, definitely not mate, the haircut’s not… it was a little bit of a screw up. Once he’d started he was on his way. Haircut is not part of the new look or new feel. Going forward, mate, I think we know everything that happened; obviously in Malaysia there was plenty of interest from everyone, other teams, media etc, but for me myself mate, it’s not an unusual situation and I’m looking forward to racing here this weekend and getting on with it. When you’re at the front in Formula One there’s always stuff going down so it just depends on how much is going down that you’ve got to manage. In the end, for me, I’m looking forward to driving the car here, putting in first gear and driving out of the garage and getting down there to feel what the car’s like on the circuit. That’s what I’m looking forward to, mate.
Thanks to SpeedTV for the link.
People say I’m tone-deaf. I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about: I can hear just fine. I just stay like this until Seb has something to say. I hear just fine.
Helmut Marko insists preseason comments he made about Mark Webber were never supposed to be interpreted as criticism of the Australian driver.
Austrian Marko, seen by most as team owner Dietrich Mateschitz’s right hand man, said before the 2013 championship kicked off that Webber “can’t maintain form” throughout an entire F1 campaign and “has a little trouble with the pressure.”
“I was asked why Vettel is champion and not Mark, so I tried to explain the differences with some facts.
“I did not think it would be taken as a criticism of Mark,” he insisted.
Marko continued: “Mark has always been a driver with a good reputation, and I have always said of him that when he has a good car, he is a winner.
“But when he has a good car, unfortunately for him, so too does Vettel. So, psychologically, it must be very hard for him.
“In the circumstances,” Marko insisted, “the magazine tried to say that I was against Mark.”
Marko made the comments about Webber in an interview with Red Bull’s in-house magazine, Red Bulletin.
Ermigawrd, tha Tyyrrrsh! Theerr tooo shhhurft! No, wait: Ermigard, the Tyyrrrrsh: therr too heeerd! We’re only going to come in sheeecoonnd!
Kiddies, has this been, like, the longest three weeks ever?! So many dysfunctional relationships, brewing like three week-old take out in the back of your fridge! Translation Services is SO HAPPY to see the teams and the racers tweeting from Shanghai!
How many laps ’til WEB and VET toss all decorum out the window, climb out of their precious Newey-mobiles, and settle this shit mano a mano? I predict, in classic Aussie-style, Webbo pulls a feral, half-starved koala out of his suit, tosses into Seb’s car as Mark is passing him (against team orders) and laughs as the koala goes ape-shit over the eucalyptus that WEB has surreptitiously stashed under VET’s helmet.
How many laps ’til Rosberg litters the track with Haribo candies, deployed from his car 007-style, in an effort to distract HAM and take some podium action? Later, Hamilton will say it wasn’t really Rosberg and his slick of candied cherries, it was that he was thinking about this really great song he was going to write for Nicole. Bless.
How many laps before ALO is running just. . . one. . . more . . . lap.. . on a rim or with something making sparks everywhere? No, no! Don’t pit yet, Fernando! We can squeeze just one more lap out! Do you have the duct tape we left in the cockpit?! Do you have it!? Ok, pull the car ov.. . . oh, fuck! More confetti covered tyre/doughnuts. Well, they look tasty!
How may laps until Massa regains his form completely and that ‘lil F1 driver we’ve missed so much quietly kicks everyone’s ass. . .Or places better than fourth? He’ll be on that comeback, finally, taking third . . all season.
How many laps before McLaren reveals the secret weapon they’ve been working on for the last three weeks: The ___________________!!!!!!!@!@!!@!!@!!!!!!1111!!!!! ? Psyche! We weren’t really working on anything! We all just took a bunch of happy pills and now we don’t really mind that we can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with the car. .. other than the three wheel/four wheel controversy. Sergio! Do you still have the link to that bus in Jalapa?! Call that guy, will you? Thanks.
How many laps ’til Max Chilton CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S TOTALLY RACING IN THIS SHIT!!!? YOU GUYS! NOW WE ARE IN CHINA!?? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THIS IS NUTS!!! WOO-HOOOO!!!!
How many laps until Sutil is in his car, asking himself: “Ok, Australia, Australia. Something went right there. . .WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT??! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER!? AUGH!!”?
How many laps until Kimi tires of all y’all’s bullshit and calls upon the seven ice dragons to fly down from Linnunrata and just fucking deposit his ass in P1, call it a day and go have a beer? With or without the ice dragons, that’s how the shits going down!
Translation Services is happy because there will be a lot of fresh BS through which to paw. . . and find the truth.
Still bitter about Schumi whacking me at Monaco in ’98. Webber should just get used to eating poop. . . or quit, I guess. Just up and quitting is an option.
Thanks to F1Zone.net for the link.
Mark Webber should be able to cope with life as a highly-paid and rated ‘number 2′.
That is the view of former Williams driver Alex Wurz, who is the latest pundit to comment on the ‘Multi-21′ affair in the wake of the recent Malaysian grand prix.
Some, including 1997 world champion Jacques Villeneuve, said the affair and Red Bull’s reaction shows it is “clear” Sebastian Vettel is the team’s number 1.
On the issue of Australian Webber settling for the subordinate role, Austrian Wurz said: “He has a double digit million salary to help him deal with the pain.
“If he believes another team could serve him better, then he should say goodbye,” Wurz told Spox. “But at the moment I think he will swallow the bitter pill.
“At the end of the day, he is on a team with which he can celebrate successes. If he is lucky and Vettel is not, maybe he could even win the title.
“Otherwise, he plays second fiddle, earns good money and is one of the stars of the show. Easy!” the 39-year-old insisted.
On the issue of number 1s, some saw the situation behind the warring Red Bulls in Malaysia as evidence Lewis Hamilton has arrived at Mercedes with clear favourite status.
“I think not,” Wurz commented.
“For sure (Nico) Rosberg and his management will have been straight onto getting an explanation.
“(They will be asking) if a pecking order has been established. Or whether it was a spontaneous decision based on logic.
“Maybe (Ross) Brawn was not thinking about the friction and the misunderstanding that may arise.”
Former Toyota driver Allan McNish, however, thinks Briton Hamilton’s new status is obvious.
“Even though it’s not official,” he told the BBC, “there’s definitely a strong focus on Hamilton being their main challenge for the championship.
“They’ve opened their arms to Hamilton and they’ve certainly got their arm round him quite well at the moment.”
Wurz – “‘Bernie promised me a possible paddock spot for a new team if I just randomly and pointlessly stirred up shit that’s done-been stirred to death. But, hey! You can totally trust my judgement the next time I steward a race. Heh, I might hand out a few ‘bitter pills’ myself, just for the hell of it. Also, bitterness.”
After a weekend which flattered to deceive in Malaysia, Technical Director James Allison gives us the lowdown on wet weather woes, setup solutions and why the great tyre debate makes for pleasurable reading
Last year we ran a strategy which saw our drivers make one stop fewer than the rest of the field. In the end this proved a bridge too far for Kimi, largely down to the fact that he tends to be fractionally harder on his front tyres than Romain. As it turned out this race was a bit of a graining fest for the fronts, which was unfortunate as prior to that point he was sitting quite pretty in that race.
Not really; they’re just one step softer all round than last year and the new construction makes it harder to access the rubber on the inner corner of the tyre. In other words, the available rubber is reduced as it’s very tricky to get the entire width of the tyre in contact with the road. Certain teams are keen for a switch back to last year’s rubber, but teams will always push for what’s in their best interest. We feel the current tyres makes for entertaining racing, but then we would say that as our car tends to prosper when the tyres are tender.
The result in Sepang was obviously not what we were looking for, but that can largely be attributed to being half a minute down after seven laps. I have to be completely candid and say that wet weather is not our forte. We struggle to get the intermediate tyres warm enough to grip the road, and our current rear wing configuration for – whilst aerodynamically stable in wet conditions – does not generate the sort of downforce levels required for a wet track. Unfortunately we will be fighting an uphill battle with this until we bring a new, higher downforce rear wing to the track.
Romain started off the weekend with a setup that was far too oversteer biased, but through gradually moving towards greater levels of understeer he became significantly more comfortable in the car; subsequently putting in a very good race performance. As mentioned previously, these tyres really do reward a well-balanced car, but the format of a race weekend places sufficient time constraints to make finding that sweet spot a challenge. In Melbourne we didn’t quite manage to find the zone with Romain, but by the end of the week in Malaysia we had it much more to his liking and he subsequently rewarded us with a sterling drive.
We’ll be upgrading Romain to the latest spec exhaust and related bodywork as run by Kimi in Malaysia. We also have a few small tweaks to the front wing, rear wind endplates and sidepod vanes. One of the benefits gained from the new exhaust package is an increase in rear downforce through corners where the ratio of exhaust speed to car speed is high, which tend to be the lower speed corners. This is a good step forward which we hope will aid us in protecting the tyres at this kind of circuit.
Allison: “We are going to continue to do all the kick-ass shit we’ve been doing. The only really question mark for the season will be how much to twist the knife when RBR and Hammy bitch about the tyres.”
GRO – “Uh, guys? After Malaysia, I’m thinking my car’s ok. I mean, I know I was bitching about Kimi getting all the nice toys but, um, yeah. Were you at that race?”
Yep, and all you fuckers were all, “Oh, no: Windows ME will be a total upgrade from 98! And I was all, “EEEEyyeah, maybe we should wait ’til XP comes out. ‘It’ll be more user-friendly!’ You said. ‘It’s more stable!’ You said. Fucking idiots. You know what? Any dumbass who upgraded to Windows ME? You can run Button’s fucking Twitter! I’m fucking sick of turning down marriage requests from all the fangirls!”
“The cries of the oppressed? Yeah, no, I can’t hear shit with ALL THIS MONEY CLOGGING MY EARS.”
LONDON: Formula One has no concerns about this month’s Bahrain Grand Prix becoming a target for anti-government protesters, commercial supremoBernie Ecclestone said on Friday.
The race at the Sakhir desert circuit was cancelled in 2011 when a Shi’ite-led pro-democracy uprising was crushed and at least 35 people – activists put the tally far higher – were killed.
Last year’s grand prix, the biggest sporting event in the US-allied Gulf island kingdom and watched by hundreds of millions around the world, went ahead controversially amid tight security and against a backdrop of burning tyres and riot police firing teargas at petrol-bomb throwing protesters in Shi’ite villages.
Bahrain’s opposition and government resumed reconciliation talks in February for the first time since July 2011 and, even if little progress has been reported, Ecclestone felt the situation had improved.
“I haven’t had any negative reports from anybody there,” the 82-year-old British billionaire said as he prepared for a double header with the Chinese Grand Prix on April 14 and Bahrain on the 21st.
“Somebody who actually lives there came to see me yesterday and said everything’s very normal.
“I think they (both sides) are talking now anyway… so I don’t think they’ll upset the talks by making protests,” added Ecclestone. “It didn’t help them last year, so if they had any brains they’d just get on with their talks.”
Demonstrators have continued small protests on an almost daily basis to demand equality and a constitutional monarchy in the tiny kingdom ruled by the Sunni al-Khalifa family and home to the US Fifth Fleet.
At least 10 civilians and several policemen were injured last month during protests to mark the second anniversary of the arrival of forces from neighbouring Saudi Arabia which helped crush the uprising.
Police said the demonstrators had barricaded roads and torched vehicles. Pictures published in the foreign media have shown slogans daubed on walls calling for a boycott of the race.
Asked whether there was a risk of the race being targeted more directly after the protests and international pressure failed to stop it going ahead last year, Ecclestone said: “No, I think quite the opposite.
“No concerns, none at all,” he added. Ecclestone said he would again be in Bahrain for the grand prix, fourth round of the 19 race season, and praised local organisers for their efforts.
He assured them that Bahrain, the first country to host a grand prix in the Middle East and on the calendar since 2004, had a long-term future in F1 despite Abu Dhabi’s glittering floodlit race now being a much more popular fixture with both teams and sponsors.
Ecclestone – “Somebody I know in Syria said shits cool there, too. I don’t know what all this hub-bub is about burning tyres and shit. As I said: “That’s normal.” Don’t any y’all listen to me? I haven’t heard bupkus on the newsreels ahead of “The Croods”. (We went last week: yo, that shit is HI-LARIOUS!) People tell me to check the Twitter. I assume they mean the ticker-tape machine that tallies my daily stock orgasms. It, too, has indicated that there is little valid suffering in this place called “Bahrain”, where I have a track, upon which my minions race for my entertainment. Also, money.
Look, seriously, any of you fuckers mess with my shit and we’ll pull some extraordinary renditions on your ass. You think I don’t know about torture? How ’bout you and I hang out at a photo op with WEB and VET?! Witnessing awkwardness of that magnitude kicks waterboarding’s ass any day. You’d need, like, two magnums of rosewater, later, just to relax. IT’S THAT TENSE!”
But, seriously: all my Bahrain homies! Chill out, yo!”
Yes, please tell us that we aren’t the #1 at Mercedes. We like jokes! Bless.
And it was on that day that fucking Hamilton’s ego became so massive, that it took form as a sentient being in a nearly-appropriate corollary size.
profanef1 