Horner, Translated

Aside

Let’s see. . . . which excuse will seem the most valid? Augh! I wish one of these telemetry screens would just list some excuse options!”

Danke to Adam Scott.

Christian Horner says he doesn’t know why Red Bull lost performance in China after being so strong in the first two races, but expects form to ebb and flow each weekend.

It was lack of one-lap pace relative to the opposition that ultimate tipped RBR towards starting on the medium tyre and using the soft at the end.

“I’m not sure, to be honest with you,” said Horner when asked about the car’s Shanghai form. “The last couple of years this track hasn’t been out strongest. It has a heavy emphasis on front wear and degradation, you tend to be front limited here rather than rear. So we’ll see next weekend whether things move around in Bahrain.

“I think we’re seeing that qualifying is paying less of a premium than trying to preserve the tyres. Our car performs very, very well, it’s a quick car, but a quick car abuses the tyre more, and the tyres can’t cope with that.

“Obviously then we have to adapt our approach and set-up and the way that we operate the car to ensure that we get more out of the tyres. It’s the same for everybody, it’s just a different way of going about things.”

Meanwhile Horner insisted that Vettel would have been at least third in China had he not got caught behind Nico Hulkenberg in the opening stint.

“Seb managed to pass Jenson, who he knew he had to clear quickly, but then Hulkenberg cruised past both of them, and that cost him quite a bit of time in that first stint.

“If Sebastian had found one more second in that first stint and not been locked up behind him his race would have been quite different. He would certainly have been on the podium, and maybe even second. I think it was the right thing to do, it was worth giving it a go.”

Horner – It was Nico. It was software. It was the tyres. It was the track. We were out of major Constructor’s Points not due to anything fucked up that happened in qualifying. . . Noooo. . .It’s not the emotional pall of a dysfunctional family that everyone on the RBR paddock refuses to acknowledge. . . it’s, uh. . .. . what phase of the moon are we in? I know we shouldn’t have raced in China during the year of The Snake!

2013 Chinese GP Driver’s Quotes, Translated

Hello, I am a literal and visual metaphor for Mark Webber’s faith in all that is true and good; that there might be a god; that koalas are cute or not, and the value of the high road. Call me Ishmael.

Thanks to Formula 1 Blog for the quotes!

Infiniti Red Bull Racing
Sebastian Vettel
“After the last stop, the team told me there was quite a big gap to the cars ahead, but also a big gap behind, so we thought we should go for it in the closing stages. When I came on to the long straight and saw Lewis at the other end turning into the hair pin I thought ‘well, that’s a bit too far’, but obviously we had much more speed on the fresher tyres. It was a little bit disappointing to lose out by such a tiny bit; a few corners more and we could have tried something. Nonetheless, our strategy seemed to work today. We knew it would be difficult and that it was crucial to get clean laps, but we didn’t in the first
stint. I was faster than Nico (Hulkenberg) but if you follow another car you lean on your front tyres too much and it was hard to find the right compromise, but overall we can be happy.”

VET – “First of all: Do you guy know how distracting it is to have the Darth Vader Theme play  EVERY TIME you appear on screen or walk into a room? It’s fucking annoying! You can’t focus on anything! Our strategy seemed to work except for the small detail of coming in fourth. Mostly, the fucking attack koala that Mark let loose in the 23rd lap is what really did me in. Fighting that thing off cost me a second or two, for sure. Overall, we can be happy. By ‘we’, I mean ‘me’ and by ‘can be happy’ I mean, ‘At least fucking WEB DNF’d'”

Mark Webber
“The start of the race was going okay; we elected to get rid of the soft tyre quite quickly and then came back through the field pretty well. Regarding the incident with Jean-Eric, I was coming from a reasonable distance behind, Jean-Eric was really wide, but when we came close to the apex he wanted to hit it, which he is entitled to do, but by then I was committed to the inside and the incident happened. It was a couple of laps before our pit stop window, so I had to come in early. The guys thought the tyre was fixed when we left the stop, but it came off on the out lap. We have had a few problems this weekend; I think we could have done something from our start position today, but it wasn’t meant to be.”

WEB – “I’m thinking, when I went to the crossroads to sell my soul to be the fastest F1 driver, that I may have gone to the wrong crossroads. I probably should not have used those MapQuest maps that VET printed up for me.”

Scuderia Ferrari
Fernando Alonso
“It couldn’t have gone better than this today! I hadn’t won since Germany and this has a special feeling because it was a tricky race full of action. Along with the second place I got in Australia, this result shows that the car is competitive and that we are working in the right direction to always be in the fight for the podium. For that, I have to thank the team for the huge efforts it has made both here and back in the factory. They have worked so hard to put me in this position from which I can fight with the others on equal terms. We had a good feeling all through the weekend and qualifying third gave us the possibility of fighting for the top places. On top of that, maybe we were owed some good luck. Along
with that all the important factors worked perfectly, such as set-up, strategy, calling the pit stops and the stops themselves. All together it produced a win that wasn’t easy at the end of a race in which we made the most of our pace and did a good job of managing the tyres, which was definitely the most dangerous aspect. With no one dominating the Championship, it makes it extremely interesting, even if we are aware this is only the third race. We are under no illusions and we must continue to concentrate and do all we can to improve still further.”

ALO – “Told you fuckers! When all the goddamn parts stay on the car for the whole race, I will own your fucking asses! We owed some good luck: Yes, well, MAS was owed a lot of good luck and I was owed a little good luck. In fact, I got his share as well. Sorry, Felipe! (Confidential to everybody: HAVE YOU SEEN MY GIRLFRIEND!? Seriously: BUT and all you losers can suck my dick. I’m 31! Not only did I win this race but I’m fucking a perfect-nosed, 18+ hottie who gets carded EVERYWHERE!!”

Felipe Massa
“It’s difficult to understand exactly what happened today, because the start went very well. I was immediately quick and the car was working perfectly. At the first stop, I fitted the Medium tyres and after a few laps I began to suffer with graining on the front. That meant I lost ground to other cars and it was probably down to a problem linked to the track conditions and my driving style. All weekend, I haven’t felt comfortable with these tyres and in the race, any attempts I made to save them was useless. But for this problem, I would certainly have been in the fight for the podium, but I am still confident because, all the same, I was able to bring home a good points haul which is important in a season that has only just begun.”

MAS – “Whose dick to I have to suck for a fucking podium position, yo? Fuck me. I’m going to have to live off the energy of that glorious double-Ferrari-fuck-you we gave to Kimi for, like, a week.”

Vodafone McLaren Mercedes
Jenson Button
“I’m very happy to have finished fifth today – and the team should be too. The race was always going to be tricky: we weren’t quick enough to adopt the same strategy as the others, so we had to run longer than the rest and make two pitstops, rather than three. For us, a two-stopper was the fastest way to the end of the race. It meant I had to let others past me and protect the tyres. If we couldn’t run to our target lap, it would’ve destroyed our race. I had to cruise when I’d normally fight the others. It’s not the most
exciting way to go racing, but we got 10 points today because we did it. We know we still have a lot of work to do to challenge at the front, but we can take a lot of positives away from this weekend.”

BUT – I told PER: Estrella de Rojo: that’s that way to go-ho! I finally figured out most of the buttons. The majority of them just shot lime juice and tequila all over the place. A couple buttons, one would play the English version that Jon Secada song and another, the Spanish. One played this telenovela with all these really busty ladies that came on al the screen in the bus. So distracting! If I hadn’t hit that, I would’ve totally come in 4th.

Sergio Perez
“This was a difficult afternoon for me – there’s a lot for us to analyse, and a lot to learn. It wasn’t my best weekend in terms of pace, so there’s some work to do. Congratulation to Jenson – he drove a fantastic race today. He found a better rhythm and really made the strategy work. I couldn’t find a flow throughout the whole race and was struggling with the car. I had a reasonably good first stint and thought we could achieve a good result with the strategy, but then we encountered degradation with the tyres and that compromised our pace. We still don’t have the speed in the car, but it’s been a useful learning weekend for the whole team, we got some useful points on the board, and we head to the next
race with a clearer idea of just what we can do.”

PER – “Fucking Flecha de Rojo! I always hated that bus line! Sauber! I left Sauber for this shit? ‘Oh!’, everybody said. ‘Hamilton’s old spot in McLaren! McLaren’s history! McLaren’s car!’ Everybody said.  Me? I was , like: show me the money! Now, though …The fuck? Secretly, it turns out, everybody was saying, ‘We have a big pile of left-over doo-doo! Would you like to stick your dick in it?’ People! I RAN THIS RACE IN A USED MEXICAN BUS AND NO ONE NOTICED!!”

Lotus F1 Team
Kimi Räikkönen
“Second wasn’t quite what we wanted, but in the circumstances it was the best that we could manage today. I’m not 100% happy because we didn’t win, but it is what it is and second place is a good result after a bad start and the incident with Sergio [Perez]. It was quite difficult out there; obviously the car is not designed like that otherwise we would use it all the time, but I was surprised how good it was still. Of course there were some handling issues which was not ideal, but we just had to try to live with it and we still had pretty okay speed.”

RAI – “Bitches! I fucking ran that shit with the fucking nose of my car flapping in the wind! I hit people! My car was all fucked up! ‘Kimi!’, they said. ‘Your car! It’s all fucked up!’, I said, ‘I give a fuck?’ And I kept on racing. Sure: I came in second. VET thinks he’s the shit ’cause he made up 11 seconds on soft tyres? Seb, just because you hear Darth Vader’s theme, doesn’t mean you are Darth Vader. Also, FRIC is the fucking SHIT. Doesn’t help you start, though, apparently. That was bullshit.”

Romain Grosjean
“It was a long, tough race and again we not able to make it work quite as well as we wanted. I’m definitely not happy with ninth place; we started P6 and thought we had a good chance to end up within the top five, but unfortunately we could not manage it. I did as much as I could, but I couldn’t get the performance I wanted and being in traffic of course affects this. It was good to score some points for the team, but I want more in Bahrain for sure.”

GRO – “Oh, sure! Kimi gets all the cool shit and then he just smashes it and then that turns out to be the right thing to do! Two points! I needed another older brother like I needed a another hole in my head! Augh!”

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team
Lewis Hamilton
“It was a good race for me today and whilst I would have loved the win, I’m really happy with third place and being on the podium for the second race in a row. Fernando and Kimi were just a little bit too fast for us during the race and my tyres were shot at the end trying to keep ahead of Sebastian. I could see his car getting bigger and bigger in my mirrors so it was nice to be able to hang on for the third place. The guys did a great job this weekend to get us where we were; on pole and finishing third. We got the absolute most out of the car we had and that’s very satisfying. We’re not quite there yet in terms of overall pace but everyone is working so hard and I know we can do it.”

HAM – “I could give a shit less about just about anything as long as I keep scoring podium and fucking McLaren keeps screwing the pooch, I’ll just stand up here and spray champagne all over the you guys like I give a rat’s ass. My earrings and I look like geniuses. I’ll literally take that and FRIC to the bank. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg
“The race was tough for me today and with my set-up I had an unexpected level of understeer which made it difficult to drive. After my second pit stop, the feeling got worse and I had one front wheel in the air during the corners. The rear anti-roll bar, which influences the balance of the car, had broken so unfortunately we had to retire the car. It’s a shame and I’ve had a difficult start to the season with two DNFs. But it’s good to have the next race in just seven days time so hopefully we can put this result behind us with a strong weekend in Bahrain. It was great for the team to get another podium today.”

ROS – “So this is what BUT meant when he said he was so sick of being Haribo’s bitch. Hmm.”

Sauber F1 Team
Nico Hülkenberg
“It was quite a mixed race with mixed emotions. It was obviously very nice to be leading again, and to be at the front battling with the top teams. I had a reasonable start and some nice battles in the first couple of laps. I was able to gain some positions, but, somehow, towards the end of the race, we were losing or lacking a little bit of pace. Once you are in the lead or second you understandably hope for more. Nevertheless, it might not have been the true picture, as we were racing out of sequence with other people who were starting on soft tyres. But anyway, it was quite a good race. I don’t think the two issues I had in pit lane made a difference between winning or losing.”

HUL – “Seems like everyone has caught ‘Hulkenberg Fever’ but my team! What’s up with those pit-stops, yo? I have the ‘fever’! Maybe all y’all need to get ‘into sequence’ and get the fever!”

Esteban Gutiérrez
“First of all, I had a good start, and a good first lap. At that point in the race when the accident happened, we had a reasonable speed and were able to keep the pace in order to stay with the group in front. Right before going into the long straight I had Checo (Perez) fighting behind me, and I approached the corner too fast. I was braking at the same place where I usually brake, however, didn’t anticipate the loss of downforce and the amount of speed I had. I tried my best to stop, but didn’t succeed. It was definitely my fault, and I apologise to Adrian (Sutil) and to his team. It’s not a good feeling to finish a race like this, but we have something to encourage us to keep going and to keep pushing. We had a good pace, and let’s keep moving forward.”

GUT – “Holy crap, they race these cars fast! This ain’t circling the zocalo for chicks like back in secundaria! I was thinking about that, those chicas, when I drive right up SUT’s ass. My bad.”

Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team
Paul Di Resta
“A good result in the end and a strong recovery after a difficult start to the race. I was battling with Nico [Hulkenberg] on the opening lap, but unfortunately there was some contact with Adrian [Sutil] down at the hairpin, which put me on the grass and set us back three or four places. After that I was stuck in the pack, my tyres were graining, and I couldn’t really make much progress. It wasn’t until the third stint that I was in some clean air and the pace of the car was very strong. I was pushing all the way and I knew it
would be very close after the final stop with Grosjean and Hulkenberg. But the pit crew did a top job; they kept their nerve and we managed to stay ahead of both of them. If everything had gone to plan I’m sure we could have done an even better job, but it’s good to pick up more points and to see our race pace right up there once again.”

RES – “Four points for Force India, yo! Holy Shit! Can I use these points at, like, an arcade?!”

Adrian Sutil
“A very disappointing day for me. Things were going well in the opening laps and then under braking for the final hairpin I got hit from behind as I turned into the corner. I guess Gutierrez missed his braking point and had nowhere to go but into the back of my car. My rear wing was broken and there was no option but to stop. It’s always a shame not to finish a race and I had a good chance of scoring more points today. I was on the soft tyre and the strategy looked to be shaping up well.”

SUT – “I was thinking about Australia and how koalas are so cute and how much I loved Australia and then I got mixed up and I thought you were supposed to hit your own team members … Then GUT drove right up my ass and put me out my misery. Are we going to Australia next? What? BAHRAIN?! Fuck me.”

Williams F1 Team
Valtteri Bottas
“The team did a good job with the strategy today and we made the most out of what we had. I think it was the best race I have done this season but we need to find more pace to get closer to the front. I knew it was going to be close with Pastor at the end, so I was pushing hard in my final stint on the medium tyres. I was then right behind him on the faster option tyres and so able to make a move on the penultimate lap. It was a nice end to the race but we still need to improve so we can race for points.”

BOT – “I tried to pass Pastor, just for the sake of my own pride, then, I remembered what a maniac he is and I just said, ‘Fuck it.” And I decided it would be better to just finish. That was pretty much the highlight of my season so far.”

Pastor Maldonado
“It was a difficult race from the beginning. We lost a lot of time on the option tyres in the first stint and we just didn’t have the pace. We didn’t have a chance to fight for any higher positions and we know we are still far away from where we want to be, but we will keep our focus on improving.”

MAL – “Next race, I am totally hitting someone.”

Scuderia Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo
“I am really pleased to score my first points of the season and to confirm the qualifying performance. After yesterday afternoon I kept calm, knowing the real work would begin today. The last time I qualified this well was sixth in Bahrain last year and then I failed to score, so today, I really wanted to show people what I could do, so it’s great for me to have had a great race but it’s especially good for the team, who have worked so hard for this. Of course, the early pit stop to change the nose affected our plans and towards the end, Massa’s Ferrari was looking bigger and bigger ahead of me! So yes, maybe
I could have done even better, but for now I’ll settle for this seventh place. From the start of the season, we have had many changes in terms of personnel and it takes a while for that to gel and this weekend, it felt like everything clicked into place, after the first two race weekends were a bit up and down, but now I expect us to continue getting stronger from here on.”

RIC – “Is this what winning feels like???!!! Holy shit! THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX AS IMAGINED WITH ALONZO’S GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!”

Jean-Éric Vergne
“I think Mark could not have got through from where he tried and I’m not even sure if he was trying to pass me. Certainly I didn’t even know he was there. Unfortunately, the impact put me into a spin and the incident damaged my floor. From then I lost a lot of downforce. It was not a good race from then on, having lost a lot of time and having to drive a damaged car. It’s not been a good weekend, as I did not have a smooth time of it from the start. However, as I said yesterday, the pace of the car has improved
in the break since Malaysia, as could be seen from what Daniel was able to do today. Therefore I am now looking forward to Bahrain with a positive outlook.”

VER – “Mark was trying to pass on the inside and. . .you know how there’s that thing where you drive right at the thing you want to avoid? There are some CRAZY videos on youtube of people driving right at that parked semi or a cop car with all the flashing lights and shit. Anyway, that’s kinda what I did to Mark. . . and, then, since he went to the crossroads that VET told him to, he got blamed for hitting me!! Hah! Thanks, Seb!”

Caterham F1 Team
Charles Pic
“For me that was a good race, almost as good as we could have hoped for with our current performance levels and run to a good race strategy. The car felt good right from the start – the setup we went for worked well and I had a decent start on the soft tyres and came in just as they were starting to degrade heavily, came out ahead of Bianchi and for two thirds of the race I was pretty comfortably holding 15th place. Unfortunately on my third stop I came out in 16th and didn’t quite have enough pace to fight so I finished in 16th, but the fact we were able to keep pace with the Marussia for the whole race and at some points be just out of reach of a Williams is very encouraging for the future. Now we go straight to Bahrain where we hope things will become interesting.”

PIC – As always, China: exceptional clag! It isn’t like chewy clag we get at the cheap take-out places at home: this is the good shit. All tender and fresh tasting. Crisp! And you just know all the vitamins and nutrition are still there … albeit, slathered in oyster sauce. Anyway, yummy clag! Man, I just wish I wasn’t hungry, like, a half hout after the race. What’s up with that?”

Giedo van der Garde
“That really wasn’t a good race for me. I had another very strong start, passing three cars, but almost from the moment the first set of softs started going off I couldn’t find any real pace and was struggling for the whole race. After a good Friday it’s been a pretty tough weekend for me, but I’m a very positive person and this is all part of the learning curve I knew I’d have for the early season races and I know I have the team on my side to help me progress. We have the chance straight away to get back to the sort of performance we want in Bahrain so we’ll look at what we can learn from here and move on to the next race where I’m sure things will improve.”

GAR – “The practice, where there really no other cars on the track was great! The rest kinda sucked. Glad to be here!”

Marussia F1 Team
Jules Bianchi
“I am very happy to finish in 15th place today, but it was a tough race and to be honest I was happy to see the chequered flag after quite a difficult final stint holding onto the tyres. I got a good start and held position for quite a while before Pic was able to get ahead when we ran a slightly longer first stint. I spent the next two stints making up the time before retaking track position at the third round of pitstops. After that I was running with Maldonado and it was encouraging that I was able to maintain the gap to him for quite some time. Towards the end of the race though I had to focus on the tyre management
more while ensuring that I kept the gap to Pic behind me. Those final laps seemed to last for an eternity but we got the right result in the end. Overall it was an enjoyable race – certainly my most challenging yet – and I think we have all learned even more about the tyres today. I think we have made another good step and it will be important to maintain this in Bahrain before we can then switch focus to what we will bring for Europe.”

BIA – “Glad to be here! And, hey, check it out: mentioning the tyres. . .like it matters! Just a pro!”

Max Chilton
“Again, I think we have good reason to focus on the positives today as the race went well for me and the car felt good. I’m pleased that we end our time in China on a stronger note after a few challenges along the way. I didn’t get the best start but things improved through the race and that was reflected in my lap time relative to Van Der Garde. So looking at what has been a good race and also the signs from Free Practice earlier in the weekend, it’s all starting to come together I think. Importantly, we brought home another good combined result for the Team and demonstrated that we can understand and respond to issues quickly to achieve the right outcome. I hope that we will have an easier time of it
in Bahrain so I can make another positive start to the weekend and then have the opportunity to maintain that momentum.”

CHI – “GUYS! HOLY CRAP! ONCE AGAIN: NOT LAST! CAN YOU BELIVE THIS SHIT???!!! OK, NEW GOAL! NEXT RACE: EITHER PIC OR BIA IS TOTALLY EATING MY DUST!!!”

China GP Qualifying Translated

Don’t let me get in my zone.

HAM – I wrote a song for you, Nicole. It’s called “P1”. Guys? Ready? OK, here we go: “Ohhh, I love me some take-out! Sichuan, Mandarin: I don’t care. . oh, yeah! I love this track! Ohh, FRIC: I think I love you more than Hariboooo! Yeah, baby!” Bless.

RAI – All you bitches didn’t want to believe Malaysia was a fluke! Remember me, not behind the door, not in the closet. . .BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN!!! Lights out, baby. Lights out.

ALO – Just wanted to show all y’all what we can rock when, you know, all the parts stay on the car. Sorry, all you lovers of tyre doughnuts!

ROS – Thank heavens we don’t worry about the whole “#1 ,#2” thing at this team! That means, when ALO goes sparky-bye-bye and Kimi goes down the wrong track, I’ll have a shot .. . ’cause there’s no #1 or #2 on this team!

MAS – The bitch is back, bitches!

GRO – I’m pretty sure they gave me all the awesome shit they give Kimi!

RIC – So, guys, um,  I’m confused: when you start in the top ten. . .. .Wait, what! I’m P7?! Oh, fuck! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?! Breathe, Daniel. Breeeatthhe.

BUT – Secretly, PER bought that Estrella Rojo bus. I totally qualified in it. It was a bitch, too, because all the buttons in this thing are in Spanish. Does anybody know what “Este buton es para pedir una Michelada” means?

VET – Seriously, you guys HAVE to stop playing the Darth Vader Theme when I walk in the room!

HUL – Oh, momentum of 2012! You were so fleeting! Come back! I’ll be good! I promise!

RES – I think I accidentally got Adrian’s spot.

PER – I went with a bus from Flecha de Rojo. I should’ve known better. Every time, on the way to Jalapa, the driver would stop for epazote. This thing REEKS of epazote!

SUT – Isn’t China close to Australia?! Sonofabitch!

WEB – No matter, mate: I’ve got the eucalyptus hidden in Seb’s helmet; I’ve got the koala in my suit. First time I pass VET, that fucking koala is going to eat his fucking heart to get to that plant. After that, it’s clag city. . .and I’m ok with that!

MAL – Ugh.

VER – Ugh.

BOT – I suppose you think this is funny.

GUT – Where can I get one of those Flecha de Rojo buses?!

BIA – Glad to be here!

CHI – GUYS! CHECK IT OUT! NOT IN LAST PLACE!! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!

PIC – I’m so torn: clag with black bean sauce or clag in garlic sauce. . . I can’t remember what I had last time. .. um. . .ok, before I forget, while I’m deciding: I want an order of two clag egg rolls.

GAR – Glad to be here!

Memo to VET and Marko

Webber: “I can see your ball sack shrinking.”

Psychologically, it must be very hard for you to deal with a guy who won’t sink to your level. It’s called fucking diplomacy.

Q: (Jonathan Legard – BBC Radio Five Live) Mark, how much have you resolved everything in your own mind over what happened at the last race and how to go forward and I suppose linked in there, is the haircut part of the new mean look?

MW: No, definitely not mate, the haircut’s not… it was a little bit of a screw up. Once he’d started he was on his way. Haircut is not part of the new look or new feel. Going forward, mate, I think we know everything that happened; obviously in Malaysia there was plenty of interest from everyone, other teams, media etc, but for me myself mate, it’s not an unusual situation and I’m looking forward to racing here this weekend and getting on with it. When you’re at the front in Formula One there’s always stuff going down so it just depends on how much is going down that you’ve got to manage. In the end, for me, I’m looking forward to driving the car here, putting in first gear and driving out of the garage and getting down there to feel what the car’s like on the circuit. That’s what I’m looking forward to, mate.

Team ClusterFuck/Marko, Translated

Thanks to SpeedTV for the link.

People say I’m tone-deaf. I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about: I can hear just fine. I just stay like this until Seb has something to say. I hear just fine.

Helmut Marko insists preseason comments he made about Mark Webber were never supposed to be interpreted as criticism of the Australian driver.

Austrian Marko, seen by most as team owner Dietrich Mateschitz’s right hand man, said before the 2013 championship kicked off that Webber “can’t maintain form” throughout an entire F1 campaign and “has a little trouble with the pressure.”


Webber hit back by saying it is obvious he is not “part of Marko’s agenda.”Marko’s apparent criticism might have gained new significance in the wake of the recent ‘Multi-21’ affair, where despite the fact Sebastian Vettel ignored team orders in Malaysia, it is Webber’s place alongside him that appears most in doubt.But Marko is quoted by Spain’s El Confidential as insisting all the fuss about his preseason Webber comments was exaggerated.“First, the interview was conducted in German,” he said. “It just happened to be Christmas, and so it was translated into other languages.

“I was asked why Vettel is champion and not Mark, so I tried to explain the differences with some facts.

“I did not think it would be taken as a criticism of Mark,” he insisted.

Marko continued: “Mark has always been a driver with a good reputation, and I have always said of him that when he has a good car, he is a winner.

“But when he has a good car, unfortunately for him, so too does Vettel. So, psychologically, it must be very hard for him.

“In the circumstances,” Marko insisted, “the magazine tried to say that I was against Mark.”

Marko made the comments about Webber in an interview with Red Bull’s in-house magazine, Red Bulletin.

“Hey, uh, Marko. Ok, we just did a PR on the “No Team Orders” policy. We need you to get out there. . .get Seb’s dick out of your mouth for two seconds and call that guy you know at El Confidential. So, let’s be clear: no team orders, right? The gloves are off. You realize that WEB is going to lash out like an angry child, right? So, yeah, get out there and just say some shit that makes it look like you might not necessarily favor VET completely. I don’t know! Say it was mis-translated! Say it was Christmas! Say the moon was full and you were vacuuming and a black cat ran through your yard and a little elf pinched your bottom right as you were quoted! Say whatever the fuck you want. Wait, don’t do that.
Whatever you do, don’t patronize to Mark with some shit about how it’s “psychologically hard” to be around someone as awesome as VET. ‘Cause, yeah, that. Probably. Won’t. Help. We’re trying to convince Kimi to come over next year, you know?! Can you at least try to make this show not look someone’s inter-family brawl at a drunken picnic? Please?”

BEAST MODE: Pre-Translations for China GP 2013

Ermigawrd, tha Tyyrrrsh! Theerr tooo shhhurft! No, wait: Ermigard, the Tyyrrrrsh: therr too heeerd! We’re only going to come in sheeecoonnd!

Kiddies, has this been, like, the longest three weeks ever?! So many dysfunctional relationships, brewing like three week-old take out in the back of your fridge! Translation Services is SO HAPPY to see the teams and the racers tweeting from Shanghai! 

How many laps ’til WEB and VET toss all decorum out the window, climb out of their precious Newey-mobiles, and settle this shit mano a mano? I predict, in classic Aussie-style, Webbo pulls a feral, half-starved koala out of his suit, tosses into Seb’s car as Mark is passing him (against team orders) and laughs as the koala goes ape-shit over the eucalyptus that WEB has surreptitiously stashed under VET’s helmet. 

How many laps ’til Rosberg litters the track with Haribo candies, deployed from his car 007-style, in an effort to distract HAM and take some podium action? Later, Hamilton will say it wasn’t really Rosberg and his slick of candied cherries, it was that he was thinking about this really great song he was going to write for Nicole. Bless.

How many laps before ALO is running just. . . one. . . more . . . lap.. . on a rim or with something making sparks everywhere? No, no! Don’t pit yet, Fernando! We can squeeze just one more lap out! Do you have the duct tape we left in the cockpit?! Do you have it!? Ok, pull the car ov.. . . oh, fuck! More confetti covered tyre/doughnuts. Well, they look tasty!

How may laps until Massa regains his form completely and that ‘lil F1 driver we’ve missed so much quietly kicks everyone’s ass. . .Or places better than fourth? He’ll be on that comeback, finally, taking third . . all season.

How many laps before McLaren reveals the secret weapon they’ve been working on for the last three weeks: The ___________________!!!!!!!@!@!!@!!@!!!!!!1111!!!!! ? Psyche! We weren’t really working on anything! We all just took a bunch of happy pills and now we don’t really mind that we can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with the car.  .. other than the three wheel/four wheel controversy. Sergio! Do you still have the link to that bus in Jalapa?! Call that guy, will you? Thanks.

How many laps ’til Max Chilton CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S TOTALLY RACING IN THIS SHIT!!!? YOU GUYS! NOW WE ARE IN CHINA!?? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THIS IS NUTS!!! WOO-HOOOO!!!!

How many laps until Sutil is in his car, asking himself: “Ok, Australia, Australia. Something went right there. . .WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT??! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER!? AUGH!!”?

How many laps until Kimi tires of all y’all’s bullshit and calls upon the seven ice dragons to fly down from Linnunrata and just fucking deposit his ass in P1, call it a day and go have a beer? With or without the ice dragons, that’s how the shits going down!

Translation Services is happy because there will be a lot of fresh BS through which to paw. . . and find the truth.

Wurz, Translated

Still bitter about Schumi whacking me at Monaco in ’98. Webber should just get used to eating poop. . . or quit, I guess. Just up and quitting is an option.

Thanks to F1Zone.net for the link.

Mark Webber should be able to cope with life as a highly-paid and rated ‘number 2′.

That is the view of former Williams driver Alex Wurz, who is the latest pundit to comment on the ‘Multi-21′ affair in the wake of the recent Malaysian grand prix.

Some, including 1997 world champion Jacques Villeneuve, said the affair and Red Bull’s reaction shows it is “clear” Sebastian Vettel is the team’s number 1.

On the issue of Australian Webber settling for the subordinate role, Austrian Wurz said: “He has a double digit million salary to help him deal with the pain.

“If he believes another team could serve him better, then he should say goodbye,” Wurz told Spox. “But at the moment I think he will swallow the bitter pill.

“At the end of the day, he is on a team with which he can celebrate successes. If he is lucky and Vettel is not, maybe he could even win the title.

“Otherwise, he plays second fiddle, earns good money and is one of the stars of the show. Easy!” the 39-year-old insisted.

On the issue of number 1s, some saw the situation behind the warring Red Bulls in Malaysia as evidence Lewis Hamilton has arrived at Mercedes with clear favourite status.

“I think not,” Wurz commented.

“For sure (Nico) Rosberg and his management will have been straight onto getting an explanation.

“(They will be asking) if a pecking order has been established. Or whether it was a spontaneous decision based on logic.

“Maybe (Ross) Brawn was not thinking about the friction and the misunderstanding that may arise.”

Former Toyota driver Allan McNish, however, thinks Briton Hamilton’s new status is obvious.

“Even though it’s not official,” he told the BBC, “there’s definitely a strong focus on Hamilton being their main challenge for the championship.

“They’ve opened their arms to Hamilton and they’ve certainly got their arm round him quite well at the moment.”

Wurz – “‘Bernie promised me a possible paddock spot for a new team if I just randomly and pointlessly stirred up shit that’s done-been stirred to death. But, hey! You can totally trust my judgement the next time I steward a race. Heh, I might hand out a few ‘bitter pills’ myself, just for the hell of it. Also, bitterness.”

Light Posting/Vettel, Translated

Kimi to RBR, eh? I have to check with Helmut and Bernie, but the idea of making The Fin my bitch seems. . . . um. . . unlikely.

We’ll be on holiday for a few days, so posting will be pretty light. I know, I know! There’s a lot of exciting articles and news that require translation; it’s all so confusing otherwise, isn’t it? Not to worry: We’ll be back this weekend and get caught up on all the F1 news that’s fit to translate. Thanks, everyone, for all the “likes” and “follows”!

Pirelli, Translated

Grazie to Formula 1 Blog for the link.

These tyres are great! GREAT FOR US TO POOP ON! We are. We’re pooping on your tyres. Really, though, pooping on your tyres is the only thing we do together anymore.

Pirelli says they are not interested in reviewing their tire compounds until at least the Bahrain Grand Prix so we’d better get used to the idea of the high degradation compounds being the focal point of derision for teams like Red Bull and possibly others.

Red Bull has been the most vocal about the manner in which the tires are impacting their performance so far this  year but Pirelli motor sport boss, Paul Hembery, says that they see no reason to accomodate just one team:

“If the whole paddock is saying something then that is a bit different,” he said.

“You have to do something and make a change and do something different, but if it is isolated and you work out why their concerns are coming forth, because it is not what they say on the surface it is something deeper than that, and you try and work it out.

“We think we know what it was and what it is, but if you go away and do things for one team you will have the whole paddock in uproar.”

No doubt you can’t favor one team but I doubt Recd Bull are the only team concerned about the tire performance so far. McLaren’s Sergio Perez was also critical of the tires as well. The issue could be in a majority versus minority opinion to prompt Pirelli to re-examine their rubber. The fact is, the Malaysian Gr4and PRix may have been more impacted by driver battles than tires according to Hembery:

“I think we have to be happy,” he said. “The two leading teams clearly had issues between the drivers, that maybe took away from what would have been an interesting finale.

“As for wheel to wheel stuff… it is something we will have to review after four races. It is still very early days.”

That seems a bit of a convenient scape goat if you consider the teams were driving and holding station due to tire degradation and rubber preservation… a catch 22 no doubt. Not to be confused with a Multi 21 though.

Pirelli Translated – “We are thoroughly relishing being the non-existent scapegoat for RBR’s soap opera. The more they bitch about the tyres, the more obvious it becomes that it’s not about the tyres. Gentlemen, you know that drunk neighbor you have? The one that beats his dog because his wife his cheating on him? Hello! You guys are winning. Leave the dog alone. Here’s a tip, RBR: If you guys don’t like the tyres but you continue to go Multi-21 in spite of the tyres and your inter-team emotional dysfunction, NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO BITCH ABOUT THE TYRES! So, um, shut up about the tyres.

Until the tyres turn into big puddles of liquified rubber the moment they hit the track, I doubt anyone else is going to say anything just to drive you crazy.

Good luck at therapy today, guys!”

Marko, Translated

Danke to MotorSportsTalk for the link.

I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

Red Bull advisor Helmut Marko has revealed that the team considers the dispute between Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber to be over.

Vettel ignored team orders to overtake Webber for the lead in the dying stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix last Sunday, as the internal tension at Red Bull boiled over for all to see. Although many believe the matter is far from over, Marko has assured the media that the issue has been put to bed.

“In the debrief afterwards, there was the relevant discussions about the race and then there was a handshake between the two drivers,” Marko said to the BBC.

“For us, now, the issue is settled.”

Marko has frequently favored Vettel over Webber, calling the Australian “inconsistent”, but on this matter he has said that triple-champion Vettel was in the wrong.

“I don’t think he will do that again.

“They don’t have to be completely on the same page but it must be a solid working partnership.”

Although the handshake between the two drivers suggests that the situation is not irreparable, the matter is likely to still be the talk of the paddock when Formula One returns in two weeks’ time at the Chinese Grand Prix. However, Red Bull will be keen on drawing a line underneath the entire dispute, in order to prevent their championship charge being damaged from the inside.

Marko – “This shit is over because VET and I say it’s over. Anybody who continues to have a problem with this shit, they are the one with the problem. Then we’re gonna have a problem.”

You know, I remember this one time, I was a kid. This other kid: some asshole in his half-tint, rim-less glasses was giving me shit. Probably for being a fat dork, which, hey. Somehow, his mom gets involved and makes us shake hands. I never saw that kid again. I can assure you, my fat dork status notwithstanding, I would’ve attempted to kick the shit out of that kid, had we crossed paths.

I’m betting WEB holds that “handshake” in the same light. Just sayin