Friday Practice, Translated

In fact, it is true: every time a driver bitches about the tyres, an angel gets their wings.

Thanks for the link, Bernie!

Lotus
Kimi Raikkonen, P1 – 1:35.345, 9th; P2 – 1:34.154, 1st

“It’s nice to be fastest but you never know what the others are doing; we just stick to our programme and don’t take too much notice of what else is happening. I actually made a mistake through the final corners on my fastest lap, so there’s still more time to be found. It’s tricky to get the setup right here and the wind can make a big difference; it might work for you one way but make things more tricky the other. It wasn’t a bad start today; things aren’t exactly where we want them but we’re reasonably fast, so let’s see what we can do from here.”

RAI – “See? While all you little bitches are changing your diapers and crying because daddy won’t give you different tyres, I am quietly kicking all of your asses. Even, EVEN if I don’t win this race or the Driver’s Championship, I’ll earn the begrudging respect of the most devoted non-Lotus fan becauseI don’t spend half my life bitching about shit I can’t control!!!!”

Romain Grosjean, P1 – 1:35.611, 10th; P2 – 1:34.631, 7th
“The new chassis feels good. Today we’ve been working on getting the right correlation between chassis, setup and tyres to extract everything we want from it. It’s easy to know what you want, the difficult bit is getting the little details sorted, but we’re getting there and it’s been a positive day. We’ve seen that Kimi was fastest today so that gives us a great target for tomorrow.”

GRO – “7th?! I told you assholes to let me smash up the nose and wing before I went out there!!”

Alan Permane, Lotus trackside operations director
“It was a fairly standard Friday for us, which is a nice way to start the weekend. We looked at setup work in the morning before moving to longer runs, higher fuel race pace and degradation analysis on both tyre compounds in the afternoon, with no problems or interruptions to the programme. We were able to push both allocated compounds of tyres pretty well in the hot conditions today and generally the cars are well balanced. Romain’s running a new chassis and overall is happy with the car so we’re looking forward to an exciting qualifying session tomorrow.”

Permane – “Except for Roman’s useless bitching, could anyone love life more than me right now? Maybe Kanye West, he is tapping all the best asses, right? Other than him: I wouldn’t trade places with anyone else in the world. I see Horner in the Director’s lounge, in a corner, crying, an ashtray full of butts on the table in front of him, holding his head in his hands and I just laugh and laugh and laaaauuugh.

Red Bull
Mark Webber, P1 – 1:35.101, 7th; P2 – 1:34.184, 2nd

“I would have liked to have got some more running in P2, but I still think we learned what we expected today. Saturdays are perhaps becoming less important overall than they used to be, but they’re still important in terms of traffic. You don’t want to be in too much traffic on Sunday, as the tyres don’t like being disturbed and wear more which will shorten your first stint – so you still need to be in a good position. We still have areas to improve on the car. Lotus and Ferrari look strong and Mercedes is there too.”

WEB – “I keep getting these scrawled notes in my mailbox. They say: ‘Mark, This is God. I’m not sure why. Maybe you’re just too good-looking. Yo, sorry, but, I JUST HATE YOUR GUTS. Love, God.'”

Sebastian Vettel, P1 – 1:34.790, 4th; P2 – 1:34.282, 3rd
“It’s pretty close. If you look at the opposition then Ferrari and Lotus were strong today and I think it will be close in qualifying. It’s important to work with the tyres around the track. I wasn’t so happy with my short runs today – but that’s why we have the Friday practice sessions I guess; I was happier with the longer runs. The tyres still seem to be the dominating factor. The car seems quick, so we have to make sure we use that and then we should be on the right page.”

VET – I am so glad to be in Bahrain! All these protestors, taking rubber bullets from some King or something. For once, it’s nice not to be the biggest asshole in the country where we’re racing.

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, P1 – 1:34.564, 2nd; P2 – 1:34.310, 4th

“It was a positive day and we are reasonably pleased with how the car behaved. We had no major problems and more importantly, we didn’t have to make any radical changes to the F138 to adapt it to this track and its long straights and slow corners, characteristics which I like a lot and usually produce a great show in the race. Unfortunately, the wind and sand make everything a bit more complicated here, because the track surface never gets completely clean. However, the initial feelings are good and I think we can be up in the leading group tomorrow, a group that is all within the same two, maximum three-tenths. We have not yet decided if we will use the aero updates we tried in the morning. It is not yet completely clear how they worked and in the afternoon, we concentrated on comparing the two tyre compounds we have for this race. Ahead of us is another long evening of studying data to choose the best strategy and set-up for qualifying and the race.”

ALO – Oh. My. GOD. Did you hear that, you fucking assholes? I’m, like, pretending to be worried about the wind. .. and the sand. We’re thinking we might put this wing on the car that makes it go even FASTER. . .Or, we might not. Seriously: at this point, we really are totally fucking with all of you. Maybe I’ll “bitch” about the tyres, just to make it seem like I care. Really, the only thing that scares me are those ice dragons that always seen to be around Kimi. . . What? What do you mean: ‘What ice dragons?’ You SEE THEM, right?! Oh, fuck.”

Felipe Massa, P1 – 1:34.487, 1st; P2 – 1:34.552, 6th
“Everything went well today, even if it’s not easy to say at the moment where we will be on Sunday. Car balance was good and it behaved well in all conditions, even if we suffered a bit with tyre wear, especially at the rear. It’s pretty normal to have significant degradation in such high temperatures and on this front, we have a lot of work to do to prepare for the race. On the medium tyres, the F138 worked really well, even over a long run, but the key on Sunday will be managing the degradation of both compounds, as well as deciding on whether or not to use the updates we tried here this morning.”

MAS – “Fuck me, I need a hotter girlfriend.”

Pat Fry, Ferrari chassis director

“Of the aerodynamic updates we tried this morning, some worked well, while with others we have yet to decide if we will use them this weekend, because it is still too early to say what real advantage they bring. There was not enough time to test them fully, but I’m still pleased at how we managed to get through the work programme planned for both cars. In the afternoon session, we had a good balance on the hard tyre, while we found it a little bit more difficult with the Medium. On this compound, Fernando was unable to improve his time, partly down to traffic, but I’m sure that tomorrow he will find a way to go better. Race pace seems good here and now we face a careful analysis of all the data we gathered to see where we are compared to our main rivals.”

Fry – “Muhahahahahaaaaaaaa! MUHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Force India
Paul di Resta, P1 – 1:34.949, 5th; P2 – 1:34.543, 5th

“As Fridays go it’s been positive and we’ve achieved as much as we could realistically have hoped for. The car is working well and responding as we expected, and we’ve already got a reasonable idea of where we stand. There is still some optimising to do, as always, but if we can take another step forward tonight we should be in a strong position going into qualifying.”

RES – “It’s ‘Force India’! Who the fuck am I kidding?”

Adrian Sutil, P1 – 1:35.119, 8th; P2 – 1:34.932, 9th
“Lots of laps and lots of things to evaluate today, but I’m still not totally comfortable with the car – either for short or long runs. It all feels very low grip at the moment so the set-up is not quite right for me yet. As for the tyres, there are no real concerns. My long runs looked competitive and both the medium and hard compounds seem to be working well for us in the high temperatures – as they did in Malaysia.”

SUT – “I am seriously considering not hitting Paul this weekend. OK, hey, when do we go back to Australia?”

Mercedes

Nico Rosberg, P1 – 1:34.621, 3rd; P2 – 1:34.666, 8th
“Our test programme was pretty good today in that we managed to complete everything on our plan. However it’s clear that we weren’t as strong as on the Fridays of the previous three race weekends. The car had a lot of understeer and the race will be very tough on the rear tyres. The problem is that when you want to save the rear tyres, you try to set up the car with more understeer and that costs you time over one lap. So it’s all about finding the right compromise. We’ve still got some work to do tonight to find a good balance for tomorrow and the race.”

ROS – “This car is like a Republican. Booooo, Compromise!”

Lewis Hamilton, P1 – 1:35.792, 13th; P2 – 1:34.976, 10th
“We worked as hard as we could today but couldn’t quite get the balance of the car to where it needs to be. I had some issues in P1 which we were able to improve for this afternoon so that’s a positive, but we need to identify where we are losing time and find more performance. We have changed the set-up of the car to what we thought would suit this track but we need to look at that and make sure it is the right direction to go. The heat here is so hard on the tyres so another positive is that we did as many laps as possible to look at long runs and race preparation. We’re not as far off as we might look today but there is a lot of hard work ahead and it will be a tough battle for us this weekend.”

HAM – “We worked as hard as we could this weekend. Except for when I was re-tweeting tweets with the N-word in the hashtags. I’m fucking pissed at Kimi for taking away the tyres as a valid excuse. Shit, people are going to start thinking I have some sort of control over the outcome! Bless.”

Ross Brawn, Mercedes team principal
“Neither driver enjoyed the same good balance today that we achieved during practice at the past three races and, in the hot conditions, that proved quite damaging for the tyre condition and therefore overall pace. We got a good read on how the two tyre types compare and were also able to compare some set-up items such as downforce levels to assess their impact over long and short runs. There is a lot of data to analyse and clear areas for improvement, so we will be working late into the night in order to find better solutions for tomorrow.”

Brawn – “I give it ’til Monaco. After that, Lewis is going to be tweeting telemetry between that inspirational bullshit and pictures of Roscoe.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, P1 – 1:35.069, 6th; P2 – 1:35.356, 11th

“Today’s sessions were very productive for us. We completed some useful investigative work this morning before focusing on longer runs this afternoon. It’s very difficult to know exactly what to do with set-up. This is a big traction circuit, with lots of low-speed exits and a few high-speed corners too, and that puts a lot of load into the rear tyres. The tyres are behaving a bit strangely here – driving conservatively doesn’t seem to help their wear-life, so there’s only so much you can do without damaging your outright pace. But we’ve tried a few things, and we’ll get there. I’ve already got a good feeling that we’ve found a set-up and a direction for tomorrow that will be more competitive. There’s a lot we can take away from today that will help us for tomorrow.”

BUT – “I’m so good-looking, I no longer care. Hey! Anyone want to watch a YouTube of Sergio literally being shat upon? We could watch it in my Estrella de Oro bus and have a Margarita! There’s this button…”

Sergio Perez, P1 – 1:35.640, 11th; P2 – 1:35.589, 13th
“We managed to complete our full run-plan in both the morning and afternoon, which was a positive, but it’s going to be a difficult weekend for us. Although we’ll probably be fighting to get into Q3, there’s still plenty of potential for having a good race on Sunday. The team has shown before that, with solid preparation, we can run a clever strategy on Sunday, and I think we have enough raw material from today to help us race strongly this weekend. So, scoring points is a realistic ambition for us here in Bahrain.”

PER – “Monday, they love my passion and curiosity. Thursday, they’re questioning my drive and abilities. There’s more fucking mind-gaming going on here than the second draft of the script for ‘Y Tu Mama Tambien’.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, P1 – 1:36.014, 14th; P2 – 1:35.506, 12th

“A hot day in the office, but it’s fine because you get to breathe some cooler fresh air going down the straights. It seems our pace is similar to that in China, at the end of a day when everything worked well. It’s all looking quite positive and I got a good feeling from the car. As for the tyres, the lap time difference between the prime and option is not as great as in China, but the heat means there is quite a lot of thermal degradation which will make life quite tricky in the race.”

VER – “Unlike the oppressed citizens of Bahrain, I, for one, am happy to be here!”

Daniel Ricciardo, P1 – 1:36.485, 15th; P2 – 1:35.761, 14th
“The first day here is quite complicated as the track is always dusty in the morning and that makes setting the car up rather tricky as the track is always improving. You are obliged therefore not to get too carried away in terms of making lots of changes. In the afternoon, we were tempted to make some changes and I’m not sure they were an improvement. So tonight, we must look at the data and decide which direction to go in tomorrow. We did a lot of laps, so we have plenty of data to study and I believe we have a good platform to work from. The option which I tried this afternoon is obviously going to be quicker for qualifying, but the gap is not as great as last weekend. It pays not to push the tyres too hard I think. The weather? I come from Perth, so I’ve been looking forward to some sun for a while now.”

RIC – “If we change anything, we might fuck up something on this barely-functioning car. Don’t even look at the car. I said, DON’T LOOK AT IT!!!”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, P1 – 1:36.755, 17th; P2 – 1:36.133, 15th

“We were able to run our practice programme as planed today. Everything went quite smoothly. In terms of performance, there is still quite a lot of work for us to do. I expected this circuit might highlight some of the weaknesses of the car, but I think there is some potential. I’m still not happy with the balance of the car, but I think we can find more performance tomorrow if we sort out the balance. We have a long night ahead of us to try and maximise everything for this weekend.”

HUL – “I am totally looking forward to leading some random, mid-race, laps, thus creating the impression that I know what I’m doing. As always, by the end, it’ll be me and MAS in 9th and 11th, trying to figure out who the fuck we pissed off.”

Esteban Gutierrez, P1 – 1:37.214, 18th; P2 – 1:36.616, 18th
“I think we managed to improve the balance of the car in the second session compared to this morning. The first session was a bit tricky in terms of the balance of the car. We were trying a lot of different settings and measurements, but everything came together this afternoon. However, we are still missing speed in the slow corners due to lack of stability and traction. We will look at the data and work on these characteristics so we can create a car with a better margin.”

GUT – “See, in Mexico, we just willingly let the same party run the joint for 70 years. I don’t know why these people are even trying. The less energy you spend fighting, the more energy you can spend drinking. Huh? They can’t drink here? THE FUCK??!”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, P1 – 1:36.498, 16th; P2 – 1:36.279, 16th

“We completed our planned programme today. We tested some development parts this morning and then we were back to working on set-up for the weekend this afternoon. Our short run pace isn’t as strong, but on higher fuel and used tyres the car felt better. This is what we were expecting today, and so we’ll continue to push hard tomorrow.”

MAL – “What is this? Like, three races and I haven’t hit anybody?! Check that shit! It has to be some sort of record!”

Valtteri Bottas, P1 – 1:35.783, 12th; P2 – 1:36.579, 17th
“It wasn’t a bad day for us. We gathered some valuable data in FP1 to help us to evaluate which direction to continue with the development of the FW35. In FP2 we completed some longer runs on the medium tyre, and now we will go through the data to see where we can improve as the tyre wear is big here, especially on the rears.”

BOT – “Huh-uh-huh: I said ‘rears’.”

Caterham

Charles Pic, P1 – 1:37.850s, 19th; P2 – 1:37.313, 19th
“We’ve made some progress today and I think we can be quite pleased with the job we’ve done in both FP1 and FP2. In the morning session we ran the car in the same configuration we raced in China and ran through a pretty normal FP1 program, using just the hard tyres and working on the baseline setup. In FP2 we ran a couple of new parts at the back of the car and saw more rear grip which is positive. We did find that meant there was quite a bit of understeer that we’ll need to work on for quali, but the performance run time was a good sign of where we are heading, so overall today has been ok.”

PIC – “The clag here is really dusty. They say: ‘Just eat it with some hummus!’ Hummus makes me so gassy! I don’t know: maybe I’ll try it with some baba ganoush. Or some blood of the oppressed. Some of the dignitaries at the track have said that’s really tasty.”

Giedo van der Garde, P1 – no time; P2 – 1:37.970, 22nd
“After sitting out the morning session I went straight back to work in FP2 and ran through a normal Friday afternoon program that included work on both tyre compounds on short and long runs. The tyre deg here was pretty big, especially on the mediums, but they’re coming up to temperature well and that suggests that if we can manage the deg levels this track might suit us better than the last race in China.”

GAR – “Still, with the tyres. Just like a big boy!”

Heikki Kovalainen, P1 – 1:38.401s, 20th
“It was good to be back in the car and great to be back at work with the team. The main priority today was to help give my impressions of the 2013 car in the spec it ran in for the first three races this year against the car I raced last year, and to give my feedback on the 2013 tyres. The first impression I had was that this car, which is obviously closer to the 2012 car than what will be raced for most of the rest of the season, is certainly trickier to find a balance on than the 2012 car, and the 2013 tyres go off a lot faster than last years. After one session I clearly haven’t had enough time in the car to find out how much we could change the handling with setup alterations, but I’ve been able to give the team a lot of feedback that I think will be useful this weekend on setup and tyres, and looking ahead to Spain where we’ll have more new parts.”

KOV – “No, seriously, I am so fucking glad to be here.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, P1 – 1:39.445, 21st; P2 – 1:37.313, 20th

“I’m pleased that I was able to complete plenty of running in both sessions today. This is especially important given the tough conditions we are facing, which are obviously impacting quite a lot on the way the car is behaving here. The heat is making it difficult to find good grip. We’ve tried a few things and gathered plenty of data, all of which will need some careful thought overnight, but I’m sure we can reach some conclusions which will improve things for tomorrow.”

CHI – “YOU GUYS! THERE IS SO MUCH SAND IN THIS DESERT! AND IT IS MAD HOT HERE! MAN! IT’S SO HOT, IT’S MAKING ME JUST A BIT CRANKY! STILL: SO GLAD TO BE HERE!”

Jules Bianchi, P1 – no time; P2 – 1:37.363, 21st
“It was not an easy task getting up to speed this afternoon. Having watched and listened to the challenges Max and Rodolfo were experiencing this morning, it was clear that FP2 would not be straightforward for me either. The heat is playing a big part in the way the car has been performing but I think, for my part, we were limited by the time to improve on these issues in the space of an afternoon. Given this, I am not so unhappy with my time as I was making progress and I am sure that, overnight, we will find a good solution for tomorrow.”

BIA – “Sometimes, man, I just get tired of all of Max’s positivity bullshit.”

Rodolfo Gonzalez, P1 – 1:40.215, 22nd
“Although my first experience of the MR02 was quite brief, it provided a good start for my FP1 programme at various races this year. With my programme, I had actually experienced and achieved quite a few different things before the problem with the gearbox. I felt comfortable with the car and I could see that Max and Jules were going to have quite a challenging day with the heat and the track conditions. I’m looking forward to being able to make a wider contribution to the team’s performance during a Grand Prix weekend and next time will be better for sure.”

GON – Holy fuck! At least there were some other newbies who didn’t know what the fuck they were doing? WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO RACE IN THIS HEAT?! Oh, someone just handed me a stack of hundreds labelled ‘oil money’. What was I saying?”

Pirelli

Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director
“As expected, track evolution played a prominent role in today’s action, with many of the competitors not running until later in each session in order to take advantage of more rubber being laid onto the track. The track is going to keep on evolving as the weekend goes on, so we are still not seeing the full picture yet. Wear and degradation is where we expect it to be at this point during the weekend, with the rear tyres worked particularly hard here, but when it comes to the race the cars will certainly be able to complete longer stints than we are seeing at the moment. Already some drivers are completing more than 15 laps on the hard tyre, so we are certainly on track to see a three-stop strategy for the race, although it’s possible that some teams will attempt a two-stopper. Once we’ve analysed the data from tonight and seen the times from tomorrow’s final free practice session, we should be able to have a clear idea of the optimal strategy.”

Hembrey – “Have I mentioned to anyone that my body heart actually pumps the tears of little bitch drivers in the place of blood? No? Oh. well, no matter: keep up your bitching, you assholes. I’ll suck Bernie’s cock for a thousand years if it means I keep getting the tyre contract. I’ll fill my swimming pool with your salty, whiney, floor-pounding, air-kicking, grown-men-pouting tears and laugh every time I do a cannon ball, splashing Kimi, who iis sleeping poolside, vodka bottles strewn about like so many talons of the ice dragons.

Grosjean, Translated

You guys said you were going to give me a chassis just like Kimi’s! Where’s the zoomy-zoomy busted nose and smashed wing?

Thanks to Autosport.com for the link!

Romain Grosjean will get a new chassis for this weekend’s Bahrain Grand Prix as he continues to try to get on top of his problems.

The Lotus driver has struggled with the handling of his car and has been unable to match the pace of his team-mate Kimi Raikkonen, especially in race conditions, where Grosjean is finding it very hard to make his tyres work properly.

In order to rule out any car problems, AUTOSPORT has learned that Lotus has decided to bring a new chassis for Grosjean at Sakhir.

Grosjean said on Thursday in Bahrain that his confidence was still high despite his issues, but conceded finding the right operating window for the tyres is proving harder than in 2012.

“If the car is where we want we should be fine. The confidence is there. I just need to put everything together,” said the Frenchman.

“I think the tyres are more difficult to get into the window than last year’s ones and if you are out it’s a disaster.

“Since we have little time of running it’s always hard to find the right one for the race.”

GRO- Ok, ok, I know you guys brought me a new chassis, 1. Because I asked because it CAN’T be me that’s the problem and 2. Secretly, you want to prove to me that the problem is me. Ok, one more thing, one more thing: would anybody mind if I take a hammer to the nose and front wing? I told you I wanted one JUST LIKE KIMI’S!!! 

In Case Anyone Doubts the Accuracy of the Translations

Can you believe they give me all the awesome toys and give none to Roman and then I just smash the toys and I STILL WIN?!!

Thanks to F1Zone for confirmation!

Lotus driver Kimi Raikkonen says he cannot understand why people are complaining about Pirelli’s tyres.

Several drivers, most vocally Mark Webber, have complained that Formula 1 has become too tyre centric during the early part of 2013.

But Raikkonen, who won in Australia, believes that using the tyres correctly is simply part of racing.

“I think you can push on these tyres, but it’s never perfect. You cannot always push 100%. I think they are very good in qualifying and have good grip, so it’s up to you and you have to look after them a bit more in the race,” he said.

“It’s not really any different from last year – at least for us anyway – so I don’t really understand why people are complaining.”

Team principal Eric Boullier believes it is up to the teams to understand the tyres.

“As a sport we asked our tyre supplier, Pirelli, to provide us with tyres which encourage different strategies and adapting to this is part of the competition,” he said.

“We’ve seen some great racing so far this year and Pirelli can take some of the credit for this. We are all allocated the same tyres so it’s up to us as teams and the drivers in the cars to make the most of them.”

As if any translation were required!

2013 Chinese GP Driver’s Quotes, Translated

Hello, I am a literal and visual metaphor for Mark Webber’s faith in all that is true and good; that there might be a god; that koalas are cute or not, and the value of the high road. Call me Ishmael.

Thanks to Formula 1 Blog for the quotes!

Infiniti Red Bull Racing
Sebastian Vettel
“After the last stop, the team told me there was quite a big gap to the cars ahead, but also a big gap behind, so we thought we should go for it in the closing stages. When I came on to the long straight and saw Lewis at the other end turning into the hair pin I thought ‘well, that’s a bit too far’, but obviously we had much more speed on the fresher tyres. It was a little bit disappointing to lose out by such a tiny bit; a few corners more and we could have tried something. Nonetheless, our strategy seemed to work today. We knew it would be difficult and that it was crucial to get clean laps, but we didn’t in the first
stint. I was faster than Nico (Hulkenberg) but if you follow another car you lean on your front tyres too much and it was hard to find the right compromise, but overall we can be happy.”

VET – “First of all: Do you guy know how distracting it is to have the Darth Vader Theme play  EVERY TIME you appear on screen or walk into a room? It’s fucking annoying! You can’t focus on anything! Our strategy seemed to work except for the small detail of coming in fourth. Mostly, the fucking attack koala that Mark let loose in the 23rd lap is what really did me in. Fighting that thing off cost me a second or two, for sure. Overall, we can be happy. By ‘we’, I mean ‘me’ and by ‘can be happy’ I mean, ‘At least fucking WEB DNF’d'”

Mark Webber
“The start of the race was going okay; we elected to get rid of the soft tyre quite quickly and then came back through the field pretty well. Regarding the incident with Jean-Eric, I was coming from a reasonable distance behind, Jean-Eric was really wide, but when we came close to the apex he wanted to hit it, which he is entitled to do, but by then I was committed to the inside and the incident happened. It was a couple of laps before our pit stop window, so I had to come in early. The guys thought the tyre was fixed when we left the stop, but it came off on the out lap. We have had a few problems this weekend; I think we could have done something from our start position today, but it wasn’t meant to be.”

WEB – “I’m thinking, when I went to the crossroads to sell my soul to be the fastest F1 driver, that I may have gone to the wrong crossroads. I probably should not have used those MapQuest maps that VET printed up for me.”

Scuderia Ferrari
Fernando Alonso
“It couldn’t have gone better than this today! I hadn’t won since Germany and this has a special feeling because it was a tricky race full of action. Along with the second place I got in Australia, this result shows that the car is competitive and that we are working in the right direction to always be in the fight for the podium. For that, I have to thank the team for the huge efforts it has made both here and back in the factory. They have worked so hard to put me in this position from which I can fight with the others on equal terms. We had a good feeling all through the weekend and qualifying third gave us the possibility of fighting for the top places. On top of that, maybe we were owed some good luck. Along
with that all the important factors worked perfectly, such as set-up, strategy, calling the pit stops and the stops themselves. All together it produced a win that wasn’t easy at the end of a race in which we made the most of our pace and did a good job of managing the tyres, which was definitely the most dangerous aspect. With no one dominating the Championship, it makes it extremely interesting, even if we are aware this is only the third race. We are under no illusions and we must continue to concentrate and do all we can to improve still further.”

ALO – “Told you fuckers! When all the goddamn parts stay on the car for the whole race, I will own your fucking asses! We owed some good luck: Yes, well, MAS was owed a lot of good luck and I was owed a little good luck. In fact, I got his share as well. Sorry, Felipe! (Confidential to everybody: HAVE YOU SEEN MY GIRLFRIEND!? Seriously: BUT and all you losers can suck my dick. I’m 31! Not only did I win this race but I’m fucking a perfect-nosed, 18+ hottie who gets carded EVERYWHERE!!”

Felipe Massa
“It’s difficult to understand exactly what happened today, because the start went very well. I was immediately quick and the car was working perfectly. At the first stop, I fitted the Medium tyres and after a few laps I began to suffer with graining on the front. That meant I lost ground to other cars and it was probably down to a problem linked to the track conditions and my driving style. All weekend, I haven’t felt comfortable with these tyres and in the race, any attempts I made to save them was useless. But for this problem, I would certainly have been in the fight for the podium, but I am still confident because, all the same, I was able to bring home a good points haul which is important in a season that has only just begun.”

MAS – “Whose dick to I have to suck for a fucking podium position, yo? Fuck me. I’m going to have to live off the energy of that glorious double-Ferrari-fuck-you we gave to Kimi for, like, a week.”

Vodafone McLaren Mercedes
Jenson Button
“I’m very happy to have finished fifth today – and the team should be too. The race was always going to be tricky: we weren’t quick enough to adopt the same strategy as the others, so we had to run longer than the rest and make two pitstops, rather than three. For us, a two-stopper was the fastest way to the end of the race. It meant I had to let others past me and protect the tyres. If we couldn’t run to our target lap, it would’ve destroyed our race. I had to cruise when I’d normally fight the others. It’s not the most
exciting way to go racing, but we got 10 points today because we did it. We know we still have a lot of work to do to challenge at the front, but we can take a lot of positives away from this weekend.”

BUT – I told PER: Estrella de Rojo: that’s that way to go-ho! I finally figured out most of the buttons. The majority of them just shot lime juice and tequila all over the place. A couple buttons, one would play the English version that Jon Secada song and another, the Spanish. One played this telenovela with all these really busty ladies that came on al the screen in the bus. So distracting! If I hadn’t hit that, I would’ve totally come in 4th.

Sergio Perez
“This was a difficult afternoon for me – there’s a lot for us to analyse, and a lot to learn. It wasn’t my best weekend in terms of pace, so there’s some work to do. Congratulation to Jenson – he drove a fantastic race today. He found a better rhythm and really made the strategy work. I couldn’t find a flow throughout the whole race and was struggling with the car. I had a reasonably good first stint and thought we could achieve a good result with the strategy, but then we encountered degradation with the tyres and that compromised our pace. We still don’t have the speed in the car, but it’s been a useful learning weekend for the whole team, we got some useful points on the board, and we head to the next
race with a clearer idea of just what we can do.”

PER – “Fucking Flecha de Rojo! I always hated that bus line! Sauber! I left Sauber for this shit? ‘Oh!’, everybody said. ‘Hamilton’s old spot in McLaren! McLaren’s history! McLaren’s car!’ Everybody said.  Me? I was , like: show me the money! Now, though …The fuck? Secretly, it turns out, everybody was saying, ‘We have a big pile of left-over doo-doo! Would you like to stick your dick in it?’ People! I RAN THIS RACE IN A USED MEXICAN BUS AND NO ONE NOTICED!!”

Lotus F1 Team
Kimi Räikkönen
“Second wasn’t quite what we wanted, but in the circumstances it was the best that we could manage today. I’m not 100% happy because we didn’t win, but it is what it is and second place is a good result after a bad start and the incident with Sergio [Perez]. It was quite difficult out there; obviously the car is not designed like that otherwise we would use it all the time, but I was surprised how good it was still. Of course there were some handling issues which was not ideal, but we just had to try to live with it and we still had pretty okay speed.”

RAI – “Bitches! I fucking ran that shit with the fucking nose of my car flapping in the wind! I hit people! My car was all fucked up! ‘Kimi!’, they said. ‘Your car! It’s all fucked up!’, I said, ‘I give a fuck?’ And I kept on racing. Sure: I came in second. VET thinks he’s the shit ’cause he made up 11 seconds on soft tyres? Seb, just because you hear Darth Vader’s theme, doesn’t mean you are Darth Vader. Also, FRIC is the fucking SHIT. Doesn’t help you start, though, apparently. That was bullshit.”

Romain Grosjean
“It was a long, tough race and again we not able to make it work quite as well as we wanted. I’m definitely not happy with ninth place; we started P6 and thought we had a good chance to end up within the top five, but unfortunately we could not manage it. I did as much as I could, but I couldn’t get the performance I wanted and being in traffic of course affects this. It was good to score some points for the team, but I want more in Bahrain for sure.”

GRO – “Oh, sure! Kimi gets all the cool shit and then he just smashes it and then that turns out to be the right thing to do! Two points! I needed another older brother like I needed a another hole in my head! Augh!”

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team
Lewis Hamilton
“It was a good race for me today and whilst I would have loved the win, I’m really happy with third place and being on the podium for the second race in a row. Fernando and Kimi were just a little bit too fast for us during the race and my tyres were shot at the end trying to keep ahead of Sebastian. I could see his car getting bigger and bigger in my mirrors so it was nice to be able to hang on for the third place. The guys did a great job this weekend to get us where we were; on pole and finishing third. We got the absolute most out of the car we had and that’s very satisfying. We’re not quite there yet in terms of overall pace but everyone is working so hard and I know we can do it.”

HAM – “I could give a shit less about just about anything as long as I keep scoring podium and fucking McLaren keeps screwing the pooch, I’ll just stand up here and spray champagne all over the you guys like I give a rat’s ass. My earrings and I look like geniuses. I’ll literally take that and FRIC to the bank. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg
“The race was tough for me today and with my set-up I had an unexpected level of understeer which made it difficult to drive. After my second pit stop, the feeling got worse and I had one front wheel in the air during the corners. The rear anti-roll bar, which influences the balance of the car, had broken so unfortunately we had to retire the car. It’s a shame and I’ve had a difficult start to the season with two DNFs. But it’s good to have the next race in just seven days time so hopefully we can put this result behind us with a strong weekend in Bahrain. It was great for the team to get another podium today.”

ROS – “So this is what BUT meant when he said he was so sick of being Haribo’s bitch. Hmm.”

Sauber F1 Team
Nico Hülkenberg
“It was quite a mixed race with mixed emotions. It was obviously very nice to be leading again, and to be at the front battling with the top teams. I had a reasonable start and some nice battles in the first couple of laps. I was able to gain some positions, but, somehow, towards the end of the race, we were losing or lacking a little bit of pace. Once you are in the lead or second you understandably hope for more. Nevertheless, it might not have been the true picture, as we were racing out of sequence with other people who were starting on soft tyres. But anyway, it was quite a good race. I don’t think the two issues I had in pit lane made a difference between winning or losing.”

HUL – “Seems like everyone has caught ‘Hulkenberg Fever’ but my team! What’s up with those pit-stops, yo? I have the ‘fever’! Maybe all y’all need to get ‘into sequence’ and get the fever!”

Esteban Gutiérrez
“First of all, I had a good start, and a good first lap. At that point in the race when the accident happened, we had a reasonable speed and were able to keep the pace in order to stay with the group in front. Right before going into the long straight I had Checo (Perez) fighting behind me, and I approached the corner too fast. I was braking at the same place where I usually brake, however, didn’t anticipate the loss of downforce and the amount of speed I had. I tried my best to stop, but didn’t succeed. It was definitely my fault, and I apologise to Adrian (Sutil) and to his team. It’s not a good feeling to finish a race like this, but we have something to encourage us to keep going and to keep pushing. We had a good pace, and let’s keep moving forward.”

GUT – “Holy crap, they race these cars fast! This ain’t circling the zocalo for chicks like back in secundaria! I was thinking about that, those chicas, when I drive right up SUT’s ass. My bad.”

Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team
Paul Di Resta
“A good result in the end and a strong recovery after a difficult start to the race. I was battling with Nico [Hulkenberg] on the opening lap, but unfortunately there was some contact with Adrian [Sutil] down at the hairpin, which put me on the grass and set us back three or four places. After that I was stuck in the pack, my tyres were graining, and I couldn’t really make much progress. It wasn’t until the third stint that I was in some clean air and the pace of the car was very strong. I was pushing all the way and I knew it
would be very close after the final stop with Grosjean and Hulkenberg. But the pit crew did a top job; they kept their nerve and we managed to stay ahead of both of them. If everything had gone to plan I’m sure we could have done an even better job, but it’s good to pick up more points and to see our race pace right up there once again.”

RES – “Four points for Force India, yo! Holy Shit! Can I use these points at, like, an arcade?!”

Adrian Sutil
“A very disappointing day for me. Things were going well in the opening laps and then under braking for the final hairpin I got hit from behind as I turned into the corner. I guess Gutierrez missed his braking point and had nowhere to go but into the back of my car. My rear wing was broken and there was no option but to stop. It’s always a shame not to finish a race and I had a good chance of scoring more points today. I was on the soft tyre and the strategy looked to be shaping up well.”

SUT – “I was thinking about Australia and how koalas are so cute and how much I loved Australia and then I got mixed up and I thought you were supposed to hit your own team members … Then GUT drove right up my ass and put me out my misery. Are we going to Australia next? What? BAHRAIN?! Fuck me.”

Williams F1 Team
Valtteri Bottas
“The team did a good job with the strategy today and we made the most out of what we had. I think it was the best race I have done this season but we need to find more pace to get closer to the front. I knew it was going to be close with Pastor at the end, so I was pushing hard in my final stint on the medium tyres. I was then right behind him on the faster option tyres and so able to make a move on the penultimate lap. It was a nice end to the race but we still need to improve so we can race for points.”

BOT – “I tried to pass Pastor, just for the sake of my own pride, then, I remembered what a maniac he is and I just said, ‘Fuck it.” And I decided it would be better to just finish. That was pretty much the highlight of my season so far.”

Pastor Maldonado
“It was a difficult race from the beginning. We lost a lot of time on the option tyres in the first stint and we just didn’t have the pace. We didn’t have a chance to fight for any higher positions and we know we are still far away from where we want to be, but we will keep our focus on improving.”

MAL – “Next race, I am totally hitting someone.”

Scuderia Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo
“I am really pleased to score my first points of the season and to confirm the qualifying performance. After yesterday afternoon I kept calm, knowing the real work would begin today. The last time I qualified this well was sixth in Bahrain last year and then I failed to score, so today, I really wanted to show people what I could do, so it’s great for me to have had a great race but it’s especially good for the team, who have worked so hard for this. Of course, the early pit stop to change the nose affected our plans and towards the end, Massa’s Ferrari was looking bigger and bigger ahead of me! So yes, maybe
I could have done even better, but for now I’ll settle for this seventh place. From the start of the season, we have had many changes in terms of personnel and it takes a while for that to gel and this weekend, it felt like everything clicked into place, after the first two race weekends were a bit up and down, but now I expect us to continue getting stronger from here on.”

RIC – “Is this what winning feels like???!!! Holy shit! THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX AS IMAGINED WITH ALONZO’S GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!”

Jean-Éric Vergne
“I think Mark could not have got through from where he tried and I’m not even sure if he was trying to pass me. Certainly I didn’t even know he was there. Unfortunately, the impact put me into a spin and the incident damaged my floor. From then I lost a lot of downforce. It was not a good race from then on, having lost a lot of time and having to drive a damaged car. It’s not been a good weekend, as I did not have a smooth time of it from the start. However, as I said yesterday, the pace of the car has improved
in the break since Malaysia, as could be seen from what Daniel was able to do today. Therefore I am now looking forward to Bahrain with a positive outlook.”

VER – “Mark was trying to pass on the inside and. . .you know how there’s that thing where you drive right at the thing you want to avoid? There are some CRAZY videos on youtube of people driving right at that parked semi or a cop car with all the flashing lights and shit. Anyway, that’s kinda what I did to Mark. . . and, then, since he went to the crossroads that VET told him to, he got blamed for hitting me!! Hah! Thanks, Seb!”

Caterham F1 Team
Charles Pic
“For me that was a good race, almost as good as we could have hoped for with our current performance levels and run to a good race strategy. The car felt good right from the start – the setup we went for worked well and I had a decent start on the soft tyres and came in just as they were starting to degrade heavily, came out ahead of Bianchi and for two thirds of the race I was pretty comfortably holding 15th place. Unfortunately on my third stop I came out in 16th and didn’t quite have enough pace to fight so I finished in 16th, but the fact we were able to keep pace with the Marussia for the whole race and at some points be just out of reach of a Williams is very encouraging for the future. Now we go straight to Bahrain where we hope things will become interesting.”

PIC – As always, China: exceptional clag! It isn’t like chewy clag we get at the cheap take-out places at home: this is the good shit. All tender and fresh tasting. Crisp! And you just know all the vitamins and nutrition are still there … albeit, slathered in oyster sauce. Anyway, yummy clag! Man, I just wish I wasn’t hungry, like, a half hout after the race. What’s up with that?”

Giedo van der Garde
“That really wasn’t a good race for me. I had another very strong start, passing three cars, but almost from the moment the first set of softs started going off I couldn’t find any real pace and was struggling for the whole race. After a good Friday it’s been a pretty tough weekend for me, but I’m a very positive person and this is all part of the learning curve I knew I’d have for the early season races and I know I have the team on my side to help me progress. We have the chance straight away to get back to the sort of performance we want in Bahrain so we’ll look at what we can learn from here and move on to the next race where I’m sure things will improve.”

GAR – “The practice, where there really no other cars on the track was great! The rest kinda sucked. Glad to be here!”

Marussia F1 Team
Jules Bianchi
“I am very happy to finish in 15th place today, but it was a tough race and to be honest I was happy to see the chequered flag after quite a difficult final stint holding onto the tyres. I got a good start and held position for quite a while before Pic was able to get ahead when we ran a slightly longer first stint. I spent the next two stints making up the time before retaking track position at the third round of pitstops. After that I was running with Maldonado and it was encouraging that I was able to maintain the gap to him for quite some time. Towards the end of the race though I had to focus on the tyre management
more while ensuring that I kept the gap to Pic behind me. Those final laps seemed to last for an eternity but we got the right result in the end. Overall it was an enjoyable race – certainly my most challenging yet – and I think we have all learned even more about the tyres today. I think we have made another good step and it will be important to maintain this in Bahrain before we can then switch focus to what we will bring for Europe.”

BIA – “Glad to be here! And, hey, check it out: mentioning the tyres. . .like it matters! Just a pro!”

Max Chilton
“Again, I think we have good reason to focus on the positives today as the race went well for me and the car felt good. I’m pleased that we end our time in China on a stronger note after a few challenges along the way. I didn’t get the best start but things improved through the race and that was reflected in my lap time relative to Van Der Garde. So looking at what has been a good race and also the signs from Free Practice earlier in the weekend, it’s all starting to come together I think. Importantly, we brought home another good combined result for the Team and demonstrated that we can understand and respond to issues quickly to achieve the right outcome. I hope that we will have an easier time of it
in Bahrain so I can make another positive start to the weekend and then have the opportunity to maintain that momentum.”

CHI – “GUYS! HOLY CRAP! ONCE AGAIN: NOT LAST! CAN YOU BELIVE THIS SHIT???!!! OK, NEW GOAL! NEXT RACE: EITHER PIC OR BIA IS TOTALLY EATING MY DUST!!!”

China GP Qualifying Translated

Don’t let me get in my zone.

HAM – I wrote a song for you, Nicole. It’s called “P1”. Guys? Ready? OK, here we go: “Ohhh, I love me some take-out! Sichuan, Mandarin: I don’t care. . oh, yeah! I love this track! Ohh, FRIC: I think I love you more than Hariboooo! Yeah, baby!” Bless.

RAI – All you bitches didn’t want to believe Malaysia was a fluke! Remember me, not behind the door, not in the closet. . .BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN!!! Lights out, baby. Lights out.

ALO – Just wanted to show all y’all what we can rock when, you know, all the parts stay on the car. Sorry, all you lovers of tyre doughnuts!

ROS – Thank heavens we don’t worry about the whole “#1 ,#2” thing at this team! That means, when ALO goes sparky-bye-bye and Kimi goes down the wrong track, I’ll have a shot .. . ’cause there’s no #1 or #2 on this team!

MAS – The bitch is back, bitches!

GRO – I’m pretty sure they gave me all the awesome shit they give Kimi!

RIC – So, guys, um,  I’m confused: when you start in the top ten. . .. .Wait, what! I’m P7?! Oh, fuck! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?! Breathe, Daniel. Breeeatthhe.

BUT – Secretly, PER bought that Estrella Rojo bus. I totally qualified in it. It was a bitch, too, because all the buttons in this thing are in Spanish. Does anybody know what “Este buton es para pedir una Michelada” means?

VET – Seriously, you guys HAVE to stop playing the Darth Vader Theme when I walk in the room!

HUL – Oh, momentum of 2012! You were so fleeting! Come back! I’ll be good! I promise!

RES – I think I accidentally got Adrian’s spot.

PER – I went with a bus from Flecha de Rojo. I should’ve known better. Every time, on the way to Jalapa, the driver would stop for epazote. This thing REEKS of epazote!

SUT – Isn’t China close to Australia?! Sonofabitch!

WEB – No matter, mate: I’ve got the eucalyptus hidden in Seb’s helmet; I’ve got the koala in my suit. First time I pass VET, that fucking koala is going to eat his fucking heart to get to that plant. After that, it’s clag city. . .and I’m ok with that!

MAL – Ugh.

VER – Ugh.

BOT – I suppose you think this is funny.

GUT – Where can I get one of those Flecha de Rojo buses?!

BIA – Glad to be here!

CHI – GUYS! CHECK IT OUT! NOT IN LAST PLACE!! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!

PIC – I’m so torn: clag with black bean sauce or clag in garlic sauce. . . I can’t remember what I had last time. .. um. . .ok, before I forget, while I’m deciding: I want an order of two clag egg rolls.

GAR – Glad to be here!

BEAST MODE: Pre-Translations for China GP 2013

Ermigawrd, tha Tyyrrrsh! Theerr tooo shhhurft! No, wait: Ermigard, the Tyyrrrrsh: therr too heeerd! We’re only going to come in sheeecoonnd!

Kiddies, has this been, like, the longest three weeks ever?! So many dysfunctional relationships, brewing like three week-old take out in the back of your fridge! Translation Services is SO HAPPY to see the teams and the racers tweeting from Shanghai! 

How many laps ’til WEB and VET toss all decorum out the window, climb out of their precious Newey-mobiles, and settle this shit mano a mano? I predict, in classic Aussie-style, Webbo pulls a feral, half-starved koala out of his suit, tosses into Seb’s car as Mark is passing him (against team orders) and laughs as the koala goes ape-shit over the eucalyptus that WEB has surreptitiously stashed under VET’s helmet. 

How many laps ’til Rosberg litters the track with Haribo candies, deployed from his car 007-style, in an effort to distract HAM and take some podium action? Later, Hamilton will say it wasn’t really Rosberg and his slick of candied cherries, it was that he was thinking about this really great song he was going to write for Nicole. Bless.

How many laps before ALO is running just. . . one. . . more . . . lap.. . on a rim or with something making sparks everywhere? No, no! Don’t pit yet, Fernando! We can squeeze just one more lap out! Do you have the duct tape we left in the cockpit?! Do you have it!? Ok, pull the car ov.. . . oh, fuck! More confetti covered tyre/doughnuts. Well, they look tasty!

How may laps until Massa regains his form completely and that ‘lil F1 driver we’ve missed so much quietly kicks everyone’s ass. . .Or places better than fourth? He’ll be on that comeback, finally, taking third . . all season.

How many laps before McLaren reveals the secret weapon they’ve been working on for the last three weeks: The ___________________!!!!!!!@!@!!@!!@!!!!!!1111!!!!! ? Psyche! We weren’t really working on anything! We all just took a bunch of happy pills and now we don’t really mind that we can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with the car.  .. other than the three wheel/four wheel controversy. Sergio! Do you still have the link to that bus in Jalapa?! Call that guy, will you? Thanks.

How many laps ’til Max Chilton CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S TOTALLY RACING IN THIS SHIT!!!? YOU GUYS! NOW WE ARE IN CHINA!?? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THIS IS NUTS!!! WOO-HOOOO!!!!

How many laps until Sutil is in his car, asking himself: “Ok, Australia, Australia. Something went right there. . .WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT??! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER!? AUGH!!”?

How many laps until Kimi tires of all y’all’s bullshit and calls upon the seven ice dragons to fly down from Linnunrata and just fucking deposit his ass in P1, call it a day and go have a beer? With or without the ice dragons, that’s how the shits going down!

Translation Services is happy because there will be a lot of fresh BS through which to paw. . . and find the truth.

Allison, Untranslated

Kittos to Lotus F1 for the link!

JAMES ALLISON ON THE CHINESE GRAND PRIX

After a weekend which flattered to deceive in Malaysia, Technical Director James Allison gives us the lowdown on wet weather woes, setup solutions and why the great tyre debate makes for pleasurable reading

“Sub-text?! We don’t need any fucking sub-text! Besides, have you ever tried to okee-doke Kimi? It’s fucking impossible! Seriously: it’s like he can read your MIND!”
MELBOURNE AND SEPANG HAVE SOME SIMILAR CHARACTERISTICS; HOW DOES SHANGHAI DIFFER?
China presents quite a different challenge to the last two circuits. Melbourne has a lot of medium speed corners with relatively few at either end of the scale, while Sepang has a reasonable spread; perhaps slightly biased towards the more high speed corners than average. Shanghai by contrast has almost no high speed corners, featuring predominantly low speed ones with a smattering of medium. Some of the lower speed corners are also extended in their radius, even with tightening arcs. This provides quite a stern test for the tyres, as you have a significant excess of torque over grip making it very easy to wreck a set of rear tyres rather quickly. It’s generally quite cool in Shanghai as well – unseasonably so last year – meaning that graining will be an issue once again; particularly given the smoothness of the asphalt which is comparable to that of Melbourne. From what we’ve learned so far the E21 is reasonable in conditions where graining is rife, so we’re hoping for more of the same in China.

2012 SAW KIMI’S RACE UNRAVEL LATE ON; WHAT WAS THIS DOWN TO?

Last year we ran a strategy which saw our drivers make one stop fewer than the rest of the field. In the end this proved a bridge too far for Kimi, largely down to the fact that he tends to be fractionally harder on his front tyres than Romain. As it turned out this race was a bit of a graining fest for the fronts, which was unfortunate as prior to that point he was sitting quite pretty in that race.

A FEW TEAMS HAVE SUGGESTED THAT THIS YEAR’S TYRES ARE TOO BIG A STEP FROM THOSE OF 2012; WOULD YOU AGREE?

Not really; they’re just one step softer all round than last year and the new construction makes it harder to access the rubber on the inner corner of the tyre. In other words, the available rubber is reduced as it’s very tricky to get the entire width of the tyre in contact with the road. Certain teams are keen for a switch back to last year’s rubber, but teams will always push for what’s in their best interest. We feel the current tyres makes for entertaining racing, but then we would say that as our car tends to prosper when the tyres are tender.

THE INCLEMENT CONDITIONS IN MALAYSIA WEREN’T IN OUR FAVOUR; WHERE DO WE STAND ON THAT?

The result in Sepang was obviously not what we were looking for, but that can largely be attributed to being half a minute down after seven laps. I have to be completely candid and say that wet weather is not our forte. We struggle to get the intermediate tyres warm enough to grip the road, and our current rear wing configuration for – whilst aerodynamically stable in wet conditions – does not generate the sort of downforce levels required for a wet track. Unfortunately we will be fighting an uphill battle with this until we bring a new, higher downforce rear wing to the track.

ROMAIN SHOWED MARKED IMPROVEMENT OVER THE WEEKEND IN MALAYSIA; IS HE NOW HAPPIER WITH THE CAR?

Romain started off the weekend with a setup that was far too oversteer biased, but through gradually moving towards greater levels of understeer he became significantly more comfortable in the car; subsequently putting in a very good race performance. As mentioned previously, these tyres really do reward a well-balanced car, but the format of a race weekend places sufficient time constraints to make finding that sweet spot a challenge. In Melbourne we didn’t quite manage to find the zone with Romain, but by the end of the week in Malaysia we had it much more to his liking and he subsequently rewarded us with a sterling drive.

DO WE HAVE ANY UPGRADES PLANNED FOR CHINA?

We’ll be upgrading Romain to the latest spec exhaust and related bodywork as run by Kimi in Malaysia. We also have a few small tweaks to the front wing, rear wind endplates and sidepod vanes. One of the benefits gained from the new exhaust package is an increase in rear downforce through corners where the ratio of exhaust speed to car speed is high, which tend to be the lower speed corners. This is a good step forward which we hope will aid us in protecting the tyres at this kind of circuit.

Allison: “We are going to continue to do all the kick-ass shit we’ve been doing. The only really question mark for the season will be how much to twist the knife when RBR and Hammy bitch about the tyres.”

GRO – “Uh, guys? After Malaysia, I’m thinking my car’s ok. I mean, I know I was bitching about Kimi getting all the nice toys but, um, yeah. Were you at that race?”

Light Posting/Vettel, Translated

Kimi to RBR, eh? I have to check with Helmut and Bernie, but the idea of making The Fin my bitch seems. . . . um. . . unlikely.

We’ll be on holiday for a few days, so posting will be pretty light. I know, I know! There’s a lot of exciting articles and news that require translation; it’s all so confusing otherwise, isn’t it? Not to worry: We’ll be back this weekend and get caught up on all the F1 news that’s fit to translate. Thanks, everyone, for all the “likes” and “follows”!

Inscrutable Kimi, Translated, Part 2

The first rule of Kimi Klub is that you don’t talk about Kimi Klub. The second rule of Kimi Klub is that YOU. DON’T. TALK. ABOUT. KIMI. KLUB! Any questions?

Thanks to Lotus F1 for the link!

Toni Vilander has been a very close friend to Kimi since they started racing together as 10-year-olds and were also in the army together.

Toni won the 2012 FIA World Endurance Championship for Ferrari in the GTE class and is a very experienced GT racer.

“As we race in different places we have not been seeing each other very often, but I think the friendship is forever” he says.

Toni is a father himself and Kimi is also the godparent of his son Luukas.

Was it any kind of a surprise to Toni to see his friend having such a consistent season after two years’ absence?

“I was more surprised about Kimi making a comeback than how he performed during last season” says Toni. “When he stopped, he was so fed up with Formula 1 and kept saying “never again”. I think it’s a good thing to have some distance away from everything and do something totally different, like rallying. That’s how your way of thinking changes and your approach gets stronger and stronger.

“Kimi is Kimi. It doesn’t matter how different the cars, the tyres or the rules are, it takes only a couple of laps and he is straight away within a second of the top guys. That’s what he did at the beginning of the Lotus era, too.”

Kimi’s image as a laid back person was seen even more during his first season as a Lotus F1 Team driver. His physio, Mark Arnall, has been working with Kimi since 2001 and asserts that the laid back image gives a false impression of how hard the Finnish star trains.

“When Kimi races he is not laid back. He fights and keeps fighting as long as the car is moving. That’s how he works in training as well. Since we started, he has always been like that. He gives 110% every time, whatever the programme.”

Kimi even ensures that his trainer stays in top condition. “He gave me the latest heart rate monitor from Finnish company Suunto for Christmas” says Mark.

One long-time trusted friend has a big input into how Kimi looks on track. Uffe Tägtström – one of the leading helmet designers in the racing world – has been designing Kimi’s helmets since his karting days.

The driver is very much involved in the design process too, so how artistic is Kimi?

“Artistic? I would not say he is very artistic, but he knows what he wants and he is very fashion-conscious. He is certainly of his generation” Uffe says.

Kimi has always been a trend setter in design style. “Sometimes it has been that whatever Kimi brings to his helmet design, it doesn’t take that much time to see the same idea in some way on somebody else’s helmet, too.”

Kimi saves all his helmets and remembers the season just by having a look at the helmet design.

“Usually Kimi gives a hint of what should be on his helmet for the season ahead” says Uffe. “I’ll then make five different versions of the idea on the computer and he picks what he likes the most.

“Last year he wanted to have his race number up there. He had the number previously during the McLaren times, but then it was at the back of the helmet. Now the number has changed from 9 to 7, but there isn’t that much of a change for 2013, just some new partners” Uffe explains.

At the 2012 Monaco Grand Prix, Kimi showed his respect to a driver of the 1970s when he incorporated the James Hunt design and name on his helmet.

“The idea was there for many years, but with McLaren and Ferrari, there was no opportunity to use it. Last year it was perfect and the feedback was great too” Uffe praises.

Let’s wait and see what Monaco brings along this time…

Fucking Kimi is so inscrutable, we couldn’t find anybody to say shit about him, good or bad. “Kimi works way harder than people realize.” Duh!

I love that even the guy who designs his helmet is, like: “EeeeYeah. . He’s not artistic. I’m so Finnish, I have no tolerance for any bullshit at all, ever. I can’t even be expected to patronize the guy who pays my bills second-hand. Please: I have 73 grants from the IFACCA that say I know shit about Art and he, has zero grants from the IFACCA, but he does have 1 ka-billion $US that say I will put whatever the fuck he says to put on his helmet.” And thus ends the interview. 

At this point, Kimi would have to light Mark Webber on fire on the track while not responding to direct orders from the team not to do so for me to say that he isn’t the greatest human ever to breathe the air of our little, funny globe/planet/thingy, here, in space. In the galaxy. In the Universe. Since The Big Bang. Since the seven dragons.

Kimi’s Mom, Translated

Kittos to Lotus F1 for the link.

Iceman – the nickname given to Kimi Räikkönen by Ron Dennis at the beginning of the 2002 season – suits the 2007 Formula 1 World Champion perfectly.

The Finnish star is most likely the coolest guy in Formula 1… ever. There is nothing that really makes him upset, angry or happy for more than fifteen minutes or so. Kimi is quick to put everything behind him. The cool nature is innate.

Kimi’s mother Paula remembers him only once being very nervous and losing his cool outlook. He was six years old at the time.

Paula took her son for a regular check-up with their doctor and Kimi had to wait in the corner with toys to keep him occupied as mother and doctor talked. There were many toys, but suddenly Kimi became agitated, biting his finger nails and acting very nervously.

“The doctor started to think that Kimi perhaps had a concentration problem,” Paula explains,“but it was only a question of the toys!

“In those days Kimi was interested in jigsaw puzzles and felt that the jigsaw puzzle available in the surgery was too easy. He saw the puzzle for older children – for 10-15 years old – but could not reach it. The doctor’s assistant refused to give it to him and told him it was meant for older children, not for him.

“Finally Kimi got the more difficult jigsaw puzzle, put the pieces in place and smiled. The doctor was laughing; convinced now that this kid did not have any kind of problem with concentration,” Paula says with the pride of a parent in her voice.

Kimi learnt to drive around that age and – as with putting the pieces together in a jigsaw puzzle – so he started to become the master of putting pieces right in his racing, without losing his concentration in any circumstances.

Paula confirms that Kimi’s willpower has always been tremendously strong.

“He is always going his own way. Whatever you do, you cannot change his mind if he has decided something. As a small kid, if I wanted him to help me in some household chores – let’s say like taking a trash can out – if I saw he didn’t want to do it, i had to ask in an opposite way. I’d say to him: “Don’t you take the trash can out; I will do it myself.” Usually that way Kimi did it,” his mother recalls.

So when did his parents find out that their younger son had the talent to become a world-class motorsport star?

“The closest people – like parents – never see those kind of things themselves,” says Paula. “I think we noticed some promising signs for the first time when Kimi was about ten years old and started in the junior classes of go-karts in Finland. It was a father of one the competitors – who had a lot of experience as a mechanic for his own son – who started to ask; “who’s that boy in car number 104?” [which was Kimi].

“He said that with that attitude and that speed he would go far; and he was right” Paula smiles.

His mother also knows the strengths of her son.

“An absurd will to win every time and a never give-up attitude; that’s Kimi. From the time he started racing, he kept turning the steering wheel as long as the wheels kept rolling. I think it is that Finnish-style of tenacious fighting spirit we call ‘sisu’ in him.”

How surprised was Paula when Kimi decided to make a comeback to Formula 1?

“To be honest, I was amazed. Kimi never talks about his work with me if I don’t ask first, but I heard some rumours of his negotiations with Williams and I asked him about that. He answered that he would go to Lotus, because it was a better option for him.

“It was a surprise. His friends had been saying to me that Kimi was so tired and finished with Formula 1 and then suddenly he went back. I think it was very good for him to have his break as he seems to really be enjoying racing again” she emphasizes.

The closest people – relatives and friends – know a totally different Kimi Räikkönen compared to the one race fans see. He is far from lacking emotion, far from being blunt and tough. Quite to the contrary, he likes to help, he likes to be around, he likes to take care of his family.

Kimi’s brother Rami has two sons, Justus and Tiitus. Kimi is a godparent of the elder, Justus, and continually brings presents for both of them.

“The boys are in a way like I was with Kimi; competing with each other in every possible way. Kimi likes to keep them well equipped with all kind of racing stuff for kids. This Christmas he bought them tablets; or should I say Santa Claus brought tablets for them”Rami reveals.

But how close are the ever-competing Rami and Kimi nowadays?

“Kimi is my brother. I think it’s a very normal brother-to-brother relationship. We talk almost every week, we play ice hockey and do some other sports together. We both have our own work and that takes time; especially Kimi who works and travels a lot.”

Kimi’s Mom – “On the day that Kimi was born. . .  Oh, I’ve never told anyone this. . .On the day Kimi was born, we were in the delivery room, the doctor was there, a nurse and no one else. Not long before Kimi was born, an unearthly chill filled the room. The doctor and his staff, who had been shouting out words of encouragement, turned strangely silent. Our excited breath became visible inside the room and steam rose from my body. Seven ice dragons appeared in the room, then, surrounding the bed where I lay. Their crystalline wings and translucent bodies barely rustled in the now silent delivery room as their nostrils flared and their chests heaved in the suddenly, ice-cold October air. 

My body, though, had not stopped. My baby, Kimi, was coming. The ice-dragons stoically watched as the doctor and the nurses went about the business – who, being from Finland, must’ve seen this sort of thing before – of bringing young Kimi into the world. Kimi cried for a moment when he arrived, not from the cold: I could tell he was unperturbed by the presence of seven ice-dragons in the room. The dragons’ icy wings shook as they watched Kimi take his first, crisp, breathes and the crystals from their bodies filled the room with a ephemeral, snowy fog. It was through this fog that I saw the largest ice dragon, with a wry grin/not-grin, lay a small racing car, with a sort of trident or futuristic plane logo on the side, next to the now-swaddled infant. Kimi took the still-frosty car in his hands and the dragon half-whispered, half-roared, “Nyyrikki hunts again!!”

The fog turned to blizzard as the six remaining dragons roared their approval, flapping their wings, chanting as they all, all seven, dissipated into the taciturn, Finnish night, “A new Ukko, a new Nyyrikki, A new hunter thunders!”

Other than that, and the puzzle story, nothing really strange happened in Kimi’s youth. It was a normal, Finnish childhood.”