Kimi to RBR, eh? I have to check with Helmut and Bernie, but the idea of making The Fin my bitch seems. . . . um. . . unlikely.
We’ll be on holiday for a few days, so posting will be pretty light. I know, I know! There’s a lot of exciting articles and news that require translation; it’s all so confusing otherwise, isn’t it? Not to worry: We’ll be back this weekend and get caught up on all the F1 news that’s fit to translate. Thanks, everyone, for all the “likes” and “follows”!
Thanks to Mirror and McLaren Soul for the link.
Have you surfed Craigslist Mexico for used buses?! It’s all FREAKS! However, hey, they generally come with all their wheels! Hah! Ha. Uhhh.
Jenson Button roared ‘don’t write me off’ and insisted he could still be world champion this year.
And the 33-year-old said the scale of McLaren’s remarkable turnaround in Sepang had been so significant he has a smile back on his face despite scoring just two points in two races.
After struggling to ninth in a disastrous Melbourne debut for the radical new car the 2009 champion said his car would never win a race in its current state.
But just seven days later engineers unlocked the car’s true potential and Button was squaring up to battle Lewis Hamilton for a podium place in Malaysia.
Only a pit stop cock-up ruined his chances.
“The championship is still on as far as I am concerned and I am aiming for that. Definitely,” said Button.
“Sebastian almost beat me to the title in 2009 and he didn’t score for the first four races.
“It’s a massive turnaround for us. Most of the race in Sepang we were quicker than the Lotus. Most of the race we were quicker than Ferrari. Who would have thought that five days before?
“We are still not where we want to be and we got a bit lucky with the circuit being so smooth which helped a bit but a lot is understanding where the downforce is.
“The car is still not perfected, it was really thrown together for Sepang.
“The great thing is there are so many cars that are competitive and taking points off each other, which is exactly what we need.
“It was such a positive weekend until the pit stop and it hurt. And it hurt when I woke up the next day knowing we scored nothing and we could have, at worst, been fifth.
“It is what it is. We’ve got to move on and look forward to China.
“I just wish it wasn’t around three weeks away. In a way, though, that’s good because it gives us extra time to work on the car.
“For us the gap means more than it does to most teams because it gives us time to perfect the car.
“I am a very happy driver at the moment knowing we have improved so much.
“And I know what the team can achieve over the next few weeks to take a strong car to in China.
“I have gone from being pretty down in Melbourne to being a lot more positive in the five days between the first two races.
“Things are not all sorted. We still have issues and need to get the car’s ride sorted but in terms of development the car is much better. We’ve had a massive turnaround.
“We are still off the pace of the Red Bulls but it is still amazing how much you can move forward in five days and I was surprised to be in fifth and still being able to see the leader.”
BUT – “Hah. Yeah, Sergio and I were already shopping Craigslist in the D.F. for an old Estrella de Oro bus to race instead of the car. If we got a Plus model, we could transport the team and they could watch movies on the bus! Maybe even during the race. One of the mechanics has a pirated copy of “Rush” he got in Sepang.
When I say “it was really thrown together in Sepang”, I’m pretty much admitting that we really did have those pontoons on there with zip-ties. I know it sounds crazy, but it would have been awesome! We had all this extra space for the livery. But, hey, the cleansing monsoon we needed didn’t arrive.
We’ve made a lot of improvements using flash cards: We show the guys pictures of cars with four wheels going really fast and a “thumb’s up” and pictures of cars with three wheels with a big “NO” symbol on there. I think they’re really starting to get it!
But, seriously, the car was fucked, FUCKED! at the beginning of the year, and we’ve really made some headway in decoding the curse that HAM left, scribbled on the back of a Haribo bag. I think we just need a pair of ridiculously large, diamond earrings to correctly shine light on the text to reveal the answer.”
The first rule of Kimi Klub is that you don’t talk about Kimi Klub. The second rule of Kimi Klub is that YOU. DON’T. TALK. ABOUT. KIMI. KLUB! Any questions?
Thanks to Lotus F1 for the link!
Toni Vilander has been a very close friend to Kimi since they started racing together as 10-year-olds and were also in the army together.
Toni won the 2012 FIA World Endurance Championship for Ferrari in the GTE class and is a very experienced GT racer.
“As we race in different places we have not been seeing each other very often, but I think the friendship is forever” he says.
Toni is a father himself and Kimi is also the godparent of his son Luukas.
Was it any kind of a surprise to Toni to see his friend having such a consistent season after two years’ absence?
“I was more surprised about Kimi making a comeback than how he performed during last season” says Toni. “When he stopped, he was so fed up with Formula 1 and kept saying “never again”. I think it’s a good thing to have some distance away from everything and do something totally different, like rallying. That’s how your way of thinking changes and your approach gets stronger and stronger.
“Kimi is Kimi. It doesn’t matter how different the cars, the tyres or the rules are, it takes only a couple of laps and he is straight away within a second of the top guys. That’s what he did at the beginning of the Lotus era, too.”
Kimi’s image as a laid back person was seen even more during his first season as a Lotus F1 Team driver. His physio, Mark Arnall, has been working with Kimi since 2001 and asserts that the laid back image gives a false impression of how hard the Finnish star trains.
“When Kimi races he is not laid back. He fights and keeps fighting as long as the car is moving. That’s how he works in training as well. Since we started, he has always been like that. He gives 110% every time, whatever the programme.”
Kimi even ensures that his trainer stays in top condition. “He gave me the latest heart rate monitor from Finnish company Suunto for Christmas” says Mark.
One long-time trusted friend has a big input into how Kimi looks on track. Uffe Tägtström – one of the leading helmet designers in the racing world – has been designing Kimi’s helmets since his karting days.
The driver is very much involved in the design process too, so how artistic is Kimi?
“Artistic? I would not say he is very artistic, but he knows what he wants and he is very fashion-conscious. He is certainly of his generation” Uffe says.
Kimi has always been a trend setter in design style. “Sometimes it has been that whatever Kimi brings to his helmet design, it doesn’t take that much time to see the same idea in some way on somebody else’s helmet, too.”
Kimi saves all his helmets and remembers the season just by having a look at the helmet design.
“Usually Kimi gives a hint of what should be on his helmet for the season ahead” says Uffe. “I’ll then make five different versions of the idea on the computer and he picks what he likes the most.
“Last year he wanted to have his race number up there. He had the number previously during the McLaren times, but then it was at the back of the helmet. Now the number has changed from 9 to 7, but there isn’t that much of a change for 2013, just some new partners” Uffe explains.
At the 2012 Monaco Grand Prix, Kimi showed his respect to a driver of the 1970s when he incorporated the James Hunt design and name on his helmet.
“The idea was there for many years, but with McLaren and Ferrari, there was no opportunity to use it. Last year it was perfect and the feedback was great too” Uffe praises.
Let’s wait and see what Monaco brings along this time…
Fucking Kimi is so inscrutable, we couldn’t find anybody to say shit about him, good or bad. “Kimi works way harder than people realize.” Duh!
I love that even the guy who designs his helmet is, like: “EeeeYeah. . He’s not artistic. I’m so Finnish, I have no tolerance for any bullshit at all, ever. I can’t even be expected to patronize the guy who pays my bills second-hand. Please: I have 73 grants from the IFACCA that say I know shit about Art and he, has zero grants from the IFACCA, but he does have 1 ka-billion $US that say I will put whatever the fuck he says to put on his helmet.” And thus ends the interview.
At this point, Kimi would have to light Mark Webber on fire on the track while not responding to direct orders from the team not to do so for me to say that he isn’t the greatest human ever to breathe the air of our little, funny globe/planet/thingy, here, in space. In the galaxy. In the Universe. Since The Big Bang. Since the seven dragons.
Seriously, if I’m at all responsible for Lewis thinking he should sing, I’m really sorry. Like, this is probably worse than the time I got caught with the transvestite hooker.
Amazing Gracias to Formula 1 Blog for the singing link telegram.
Things are looking up for Lewis Hamilton. He still has his girlfriend, Pussycat Dolls lead singer and X-Factor judge Nicole Scherzinger, as well as a new dog, named Roscoe, and a brand new jet worth £20m. The one thing he gained by going to Mercedes was a bit of autonomy and that could allow him to re-focus on his music. the one thing he loves and hasn’t seen to fruition.
That could be a case of history as producer Angel has been working with Hamilton and has recorded 12 songs. Angel said:
“He sounds better than certain singers. He’s a proper singer. It’s a breath of fresh air. He’s got a smooth vocal,” said Angel.
“I hope (he does release them) because it’s actually crazy. Right now he’s just recording. He’s a perfectionist. He doesn’t want to rush. If it doesn’t sound right, he’ll record it again.
“It’s a real diversity. He’s got rap — “dirty south” kind of tunes, some massive pop records and soul records. We’re doing all types of genres. We’ve written about 12 songs so far.”
How’s that for an endorsement? Comes in handy having a music business girlfriend and a desire to record songs. Lewis is a lover of music and has spent a lot of time learning guitar and one presumes having a well-known producer to handle vocal production, well that is the icing on the cake. Angel said:
“I was chilling in a restaurant and he was in the studio opposite. My manager got an email saying he’d been referred to us after hearing I did vocal production. We left the restaurant and went straight over and the day after we started working together.”
Hamilton came under criticism two years ago when his personal life seemed to be adding distraction and stress on his professional life. His on-track performance seemed to struggle from time-to-time and he admitted that his eye was off the ball… at the expense of McLaren. His desire to record music, travel with his pop music girlfriend and chill with Hollywood folks may have gotten in the way of his desire to be world champion again.
Will it have an impact on his new role at Mercedes? Most likely not as Hamilton proved last year that he is capable of re-focusing and getting on track with a terrific performance that came short of a title. Hamilton likes his new life and if the team keep asking teammate Nico Rosberg to stay behind Lewis, as in the Malaysian Grand Prix, then his life can only get better as the clear number one at Mercedes.
HAM – “So, guys! Guys! I’ve totally decided to join the awesome ranks of people-who-are-pretty-good-at-one-thing-but-pretty-much-suck-at-another and I’m totally recording another album/dropping some mad cash on studio time since I have so much money I don’t know what do with it all. Ok, ok, I know: Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, Eddie Murphy, Bill Cosby, Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas, Bruce Willis. .. I know! It’s an impressive track record! A daunting task to achieve more than these guys have, musically, right? But I think I’m up to the challenge! Also, money.
Even though this album-thing already kinda became a thing with my last team, I figured: Hey, it’s new team, a new start. I know all the other drivers succeed by being completely committed to driving, to racing. I kinda think: it only bit me in the ass once before, I should try it again! Besides: I am Dope Beats! Really: I am. And I don’t say that just because I paid Jan Smith a kazillion dollars to say my name in the same breath as Drake and The Biebs. She did that ’cause I’m AAAAWESOME. (Confidential to all y’all: How do I know this album will be dope? Nicole and I did this thing with the Ouija Board and we totally contacted Rick James in the afterlife! For reals, yo! We dropped some tracks for Rick’s ghost and said it was at least as good as Eddie’s best tracks! Awesome, right!? Then his ghost asked us for some crack. . .but, awesome, right!!??)
Don’t worry, Merc! If I start sucking at racing, I’ll just blame the tyres. OMG, those A-holes at Pirelli, amiright?!!
Bless.
Bonus Translation: Angel – “Oh my GOD! These fucking checks that he’s writing me for sitting in the booth, listening to his cat-strangling, nodding my head to his “beats” are fucking HUGE! HUGE! 12 whole songs! 12 times I want my fucking soul back! Oh, but those sweet, sweet gigantic checks!”
This stylish hat helps keep me warm when I think cold thoughts of icy, unfulfilling victory.
Thanks to formula 1.com for the link (and their timing!).
As a 27-time Grand Prix winner, Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel is no stranger to crossing the finishing line in first position. As such, we thought it would be more than appropriate for the 25-year-old triple world champion to be one of the first drivers to take our new ‘Finishing Line’ questionnaire, designed to provide an alternative insight into the minds of today’s Formula One stars…
The sportsperson I most admire is…
Sebastian Vettel: Michael Schumacher, as I know him best. It could also be Michael Jordan, but I have never met him so I’ll stick to what I know.
I’m hoping that, after, like, my eighth or ninth championship, they’ll have to change a rule just to make it more interesting. . .you know, to make the other drivers more hopeful, I guess.
The best actor in the world is…
SV: John Travolta.
I was in diapers when Pulp Fiction came out, but I’ve heard he’s awesome in that. Swordfish: awesome. Thin Red Line was really weird, but he was in that, I think. Look Who’s Talking 1 and 2 were hilarious. Battleship Earth is a real touchstone for me. I’ve decided that I’m going to go “full-creep” and convert to Scientology so I thought, what better way to acquaint myself with the church than enjoy some John Travolta movies? Did you want to watch some Tom Cruise movies? I’ve got a whole bunch here. No? Wanna listen to some Beck?
The most memorable overtaking move of my career was…
SV: Many – some from way back, some quite recently…
HAH-HA! HAH! HA! Ha! Ah! Ha. . . .Aaaa . . aaaa. . . uh. . .uhhhhhh
My favourite song of all time is…
SV: It depends on the mood. If I really have to pick one, Back In Black.
I like it because it rhymes with “Stab you in the back!”
The best thing about the off-season is…
SV: Being home.
The worst haircut I ever got was…
SV: My short hairdo at the beginning of 2007!
I cut it really short after I had dreads! Well, Bernie made me cut them off.
The last time I lost my temper was…
SV: I lose my temper over small things – but calm down again very fast. A well-tempered personality…
It helps that my heart has adapted to pumping nearly-frozen blood.
My first pet was…
SV: The family dog – a Dalmatian by the name of Floyd.
When I say “Dalmatian by the name of Floyd” I mean “Team mate by the name of Mark”.
My most treasured possession is…
SV: My memory.
Who am I again?
The funniest person I know is…
SV: In terms of humour, Bernie Ecclestone.
I lose my shit every time he does his Andy Warhol impression!
My favourite drink is…
SV: Red Bull and apple spritzer.
And the liquified hope of the other drivers. I use it like vermouth!
You would never catch me wearing…
SV: Nothing.
Not even the emperor’s clothes!
The best excuse to give your team boss after crashing the car is…
SV: I am always honest – even to my disadvantage…
Well, honest. . .dishonest. .. advantage. . . disadvantage. . These are all just words, you know? And, like, if we get to attached to meaning, you know? The words just start to hold us back. . . . like slow team-mates, you know?
The last time I lost something was…
SV: I ‘almost’ lose things – recently I thought I’d lost my wallet, but hadn’t. Even more recently I thought I’d lost my passport, but hadn’t…
Like that time I thought I’d lost all the respect that people had for me? Shit, I had had it on the buffet, like, forever. And I kept telling myself: “Put that shit somewhere safe and where you’ll remember that that is where you put it.” Then, it was recycling day like three days ago and I just grabbed up all this stuff and put it out in the alley. I haven’t seen that respect since then, but I know it’s around here. . . somewhere.
My favourite holiday destination is…
SV: Home.
My favourite time of the day is…
SV: Morning.
Something about the morning air. I don’t know what it is. When you’re, you know, sharpening knives in the morning. It just seems like they get sharper.
The strangest rumour I’ve ever read about myself is…
SV: That I had bought an Alp in Austria. And that I had signed for Ferrari.
And that I thought Bernie Ecclestone was the funniest person I know.
The best present I’ve been given by a fan is…
SV: A drawing – of me and my car – from a fan at this year’s Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne.
It was in crayon and I was all on fire, like I was really fast. And I had these huge fangs and claws and I was, like, eating these human bones. And you could tell I was, like, this totally victorious, undefeatable monster. Down in the corner, scrawled, like, really heavily. . .Like, it took, like, three crayons just to write this. It said, “To: Seb From: Mark”. The crayon was flaking off all over, it was so thick. It’s hard to say, really: I know so many Marks. I’m on the Twitter and stuff. . .so many fans. Love the fans!
The best cure for a hangover is…
SV: Water.
I’ve been hungover A LOT (lately).
Tell you what: I’ll smile while I attempt to get the spray from this Mumm to a high enough PSI to cut your fucking head off. How’s THAT for diplomacy!? Your head and my fucking dignity laying on the podium deck?!
Thanks, SkySports, for the link.
I’ve got 99 problems. . .One of them is: How many tires make zoom-zoom car go faster? I forget.
The 2009 World Champion was given the green light to leave pits during his third stop before his front right wheel was attached.
The 33-year-old’s car ground to a halt by the Sauber garage and the time lost waiting to be pushed back by the McLaren mechanics dropped him out of the points.
Button retired with three laps to go to ensure he can take a new gearbox in China without penalty, but feels that without the pit mistake he could have challenged both Mercedes cars for third place.
“It’s easy for me to say we would have been on the podium as we didn’t finish and I am sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think we had a chance to fight with the Mercedes,” Jenson told Sky Sports F1.
“We had one less pitstop to do, but I don’t know what would have happened, but I think at worst it would have been fifth. We could have pushed the Mercedes and they were fighting between themselves so it could have been interesting.
“But it is a good improvement over the last race just a week ago. We never thought we would be fighting for fifth, let alone a little bit better, so there are positives, but it is always very tough when you have an issue like this as it is a lot of points thrown away – even fifth is ten points. So that is tough, but the positives are that we are improving and I can see that we will be even more competitive in China.”
The pace shown by Button was a dramatic improvement on the Australian Grand Prix just seven days ago, and whilst the 2009 World Champion feels they will continue to progress in China, he is not expecting as a big a step in performance.
“We made some good improvements,” he added.
“This circuit helped us a bit as it is smoother than Albert Park, but in general we have been trying things and trying to understand the way the aero is working and I think we have a much better understanding now.
“We are getting there – we won’t have such a big step forward in China as we did from the last race to this race, but every little bit will count. We had a chance of finishing very high here today and hopefully we can do that again in China.”
BUT – It’s easy for me to say we would’ve had a podium spot. It is also easy for me to say that the pontoons we installed with zip-ties are what helped us through the really rainy parts of the track. What’s really hard for me to say is that, last year, my biggest problem was that I wasn’t following HAM on the Twitter. Well, that and all the empty fucking Haribo bags all over the garage. That was a pain in the ass. So, now, I’m free of HAM, but I have this problem where we’re struggling with the number of tires attached to the car. The universe, I guess, always finds its balance.
Gracias a NBC Motorsports for the link.
“You want me to look HOW on the podium?!”
Lewis Hamilton has denied he is treated as a “number one driver” at Mercedes.
Hamilton’s team mate Nico Rosberg was ordered not to overtake him in the closing stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix. But Hamilton denied he is being given preferential treatment at Mercedes:
“We don’t have a one and two at Mercedes. I have always said, from the moment I was speaking to the team, that I wanted equality.”
Hamilton’s pace was slow in the latter stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix as he had been told repeatedly by his team to save fuel. Behind him Rosberg had received similar but less frequent messages and believed he could go faster.
Rosberg told his team: “Tell him to speed up a bit this is too slow” but team principal Ross Brawn replied: “Nico please drop back, leave a gap.”
“We have to look after the cars,” Brawn added. “There’s a massive gap behind and there’s nothing to gain in front. I want to bring these cars home, please.”
Hamilton later said he felt Rosberg should have been on the podium instead of him: “You have be able to look at yourself in the mirror [and say] you won fair and square.”
“In Malaysia I don’t feel like I won my spot fair and square. Although I did drive a decent race, I don’t feel spectacular about it.”
HAM – “Just an FYI: I think you are all stupid! The only thing that’s killing me is that my PR people are telling me to act all conciliatory towards Nico, lest I also end up looking like Darth Vettel over there. Do any of you have any idea how hard it was to hide my victory boner while I put on my “sad-face” on that podium?! Winning is easy, “secretly” being the #1 driver at Mercedes is easy, looking bummed about all that is hard! Bless.”
“I’ve a big bag of cherry Haribo if you can do some more distracting shit. Otherwise, I’ve gotta just make stuff up.”
“You smell like my grandpa.”
Danke to NBC Motorsports for the link.
Lewis Hamilton denies Bernie Ecclestone’s claim he had a chance to join to join Sebastian Vettel at Red Bull this year.
According to Ecclestone talks were held at the British Grand Prix last year for Hamilton to replace Mark Webber at the team. But Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz opted to give Webber, who won the race, first refusal on the drive.
Hamilton said he didn’t know what to make of Ecclestone’s claim: “I think he said something about me talking to Red Bull?”
“I said to my management team to speak to all the teams and give me what the best options were. There was no particular one that I was pushing for more.”
Ecclestone said Vettel would have no objections to sharing a team with a driver of Hamilton’s caliber: “Sebastian wouldn’t have cared if Lewis had signed for the team.”
It’s the second time in five days Hamilton has distanced himself from remarks made by Ecclestone.
Heading into the Malaysian Grand Prix Ecclestone claimed that Hamilton would rather have taken a year’s sabbatical from racing than spend another season at McLaren.
“I don’t think I would leave this sport unless I didn’t have a good feeling about it, or a smile and an energy when I got in the car. I love racing, so there is no need to stop,” was Hamilton’s response to that suggestion.
However he did add: “I think Bernie has a better memory than me.”
ECC – Yoo-hooooo! Look over here! Pay no attention to the swirling police lights and group scream-therapy going on in Horner’s front yard! This is the real story, over here! Look over here! It’s Hamilton, being so Hamilton, you guys! Guys? Look? Over? Here? Guys. . . .. Wha. . . What was that? Woah. Is someone being led away in cuffs?!
HAM – You are old. Bless.
F1 Services – This is actually kinda of perfect. The Bern-Dawg is simultaneously trying to distract us with Hamilton Antics(tm) and make it come off like Webber is the driver to whom Red Bull is being the most loyal. Me likey, Bernie!
Muchas Gracias to Formula 1 Blog for the driver quotes.
MALAYSIA GRAND PRIX
KUALA LUMPUR
SUNDAY DRIVER QUOTES
24 MARCH 2013
Infiniti Red Bull Racing
Sebastian Vettel
“I messed up today. I would love to come up with a nice excuse as to why I did it, but I can’t. I can understand Mark’s frustration and the team not being happy with what I did today; I owe an explanation to him and the whole team. I will try to explain to them later. We talk about this situation happening many times and what we will do if and when it happens and normally it doesn’t, but today it did and I should have translated the call into action. I got the call and I ignored it. Mark and I are used to fighting each other when we’re close, but with the tyres how they are now, and not knowing how long they will last, it was an extremely big risk to ignore the call to stay second. We could have ended up finishing eighth or ninth after destroying the tyres in those two laps; I put myself above a team decision, which was wrong. I didn’t mean to and I apologise. I’m not happy I’ve won, I made a mistake and if I could undo it I would. It’s not easy right now and I owe apologies to Mark and the team.”
VET – “Did anybody realize, until this very moment, what an unbelivable cock I am? I mean, you thought Hamilton was a piece of work, what with his earrings and his cocksure unease of a dog that’s been beaten one too many times. But, shit, here I am: a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL, unable to OBEY FUCKING ORDERS. So, sure, I feel bad: poor Mark and all that, real shame, to be sure. I feel terrible, of course, but, hey, I did what I did BECAUSE OF THE TYRES!!!!!! THE TYRES!!! It’s, um, ah, it’s. . . Not, um, that I’m a fucking egotistical prick, desperate to exorcise the ghost of the “dead” MSC. No, I just wasn’t sure about the tyres. Sorry, Mark! I guess.”
F1 Svcs- People, recall our recent post about the tyres! This cocksucker has moved from bitching about the tyres as part excuse and part windmill to fucking BLAMING THE TYRES FOR DISOBEYING TEAM ORDERS, BEING A DICK AND FUCKING MOTHER THERESA DYING. Vettel, most of all, I hate your fucking ass right now for making fucking Lewis fucking “Haribo” Hamilton seem FUCKING SYMPATHETIC. WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKK!!!????
Mark Webber
“I think Sebastian has respect for me and I have respect for him, but the situation today was not handled well. It’s hard to put your finger on it all now after the race; when we’re racing on the limit and pushing as hard as we can, then it’s the worst situation for a team. I am sure they are bricking themselves and know that things can go wrong. There’s a bit of history to this as well; my mind in the last 15 laps was thinking about a lot of things, but I was happy with the way I drove. I tried to isolate what happened at the end and we got something out of it today, but of course I’m not satisfied with the result. This puts heat on a few people and unfortunately there’s no rewind button. I know people want raw emotion from us after these situations and it’s there, but we need to remain cool. There’s three weeks until the next race, so time for us to work on things.”
WEB – “I totally have to stop hanging out with fucking Grosjean. I had all my shit rockin’ today. Shrimp was on the barbie. cheekbones fucking honed like a motherfucker: I was Powning! Apparently, VET got into my medicine cabinet and took a double decker of my Viagra. Who’s got the biggest cock, Seb? It won’t matter after I fucking bris your shit down to a nub with the 60 grit stubble on my chin dimple. If the next race was held tomorrow instead of, say, three weeks from now, I would basically drive Adrian’s car right up Seb’s ass right off P2 and empty a Foster’s onto his head as the other cars drove around us. Multi-21, VET! Multi-21!”
Scuderia Ferrari
Fernando Alonso
“Today, unfortunately, we were very unlucky. After making a good start, I touched with Vettel at the second corner: it was a surprise to find him there, almost stopped and I don’t know what speed he was doing. Despite the fact the car was damaged, it didn’t seem to be too bad and, together with the team, we decided to keep going, because if we’d stopped immediately and then again on lap 3 or 4 to fit dry tyres, we would have dropped too far back and definitely lost the chance to finish up the front. It’s easy to criticise this decision, but at the time it seemed like the right one. It was certainly a shame, because here we could have fought with the Red Bulls, but circumstances didn’t help and apart from the wisdom of the decisions we took, bad luck really played its part, when you think how many off-track excursions there were in Australia without any consequence and even here when the cars first went out on track. Now we are already focusing on the coming races in China and Bahrain, where we hope to do better than last year, so that we arrive in Europe with as many points as possible.”
ALO – “If I had pulled that shit off, that would’ve been some righteous shit, no?. As it was, you got to see my front spoiler disintegrate into a million pieces. And, also, sparks! Somehow, isn’t it more exciting to think about what could have been? No? Fuck.”
Felipe Massa
“Today’s race was really complicated, because starting with a new set of intermediates on a track that was very damp at some points and completely dry at others, prevented me from having a good pace and I lost ground to many other drivers on the first lap. Maybe bringing forward the first stop to fit dry tyres was a slightly risky choice, because the track was still damp and this cost me time. Then on the dry track, the car improved, the tyre degradation wasn’t excessive and I managed to settle into a good pace, but at that point, any hope of finishing on the podium had vanished. I can’t say I’m satisfied with this result, but given all the difficulties I had at the start of the race, I am happy to bring home a good points haul”.
MAS – “Somehow, and I’m really not sure how, I came home with some points. Also, my team mate and I are still following each other on Twitter. . .. and speaking to each other.”
Vodafone McLaren Mercedes
Sergio Perez
“This afternoon my engineers sorted out a very good race strategy that enabled me to pass the cars immediately in front of me early on – so thank you and well done for that, guys. Unfortunately, towards the end of the race, my tyres began to degrade a bit too much, especially my front left, and we therefore felt it would be too risky to try to drive to the finish on that set. Consequently, we had no real option other than to make an extra pitstop, which caused me to lose position. I still ended up ninth, which is two places better than I finished in Melbourne last weekend, so I think it’s fair to say that we can see that progress is being made. In Shanghai in two weeks’ time let’s hope that that upward trend continues.”
PER – “Just so we’re clear, when I say “thanks and well done for that guys”, I mean: “Hey, um, ASSHOLES! STOP WITH THE FAVORS!” I think I’d rather fucking buy an decommissioned fucking Estrella Rojo bus and drag it around the track with a fucking tractor than drive this piece of shit car I have currently.”
Jenson Button
“We drove a good race today. Strategy-wise, we did everything right. We pitted on the correct laps and looked after the tyres exactly as we should have done. We’d have finished fifth but for the problem in the pitstop – maybe we’d even have been in the battle for third and fourth. It’s very disappointing that we weren’t able to demonstrate that, of course. Even at the end we had a chance of scoring a point, but unfortunately I was struggling with my front left [tyre] by that stage. It kept locking up, and it was producing such a bad vibration that I think the guys were worried that it might damage the front left suspension if I carried on. However, as I say, apart from the pitstop problem, I think we did a pretty good job. We’ve made improvements over the past week, and the result of those improvements was that we were more competitive here in Malaysia than we were in Australia last weekend, so there are definitely positives that we can take away with us. Hopefully, in China in two weeks’ time, we can continue that steady improvement and score a few more points.”
BUT – “Hey! Ah. . . At least we didn’t have to deploy the pontoons?”
Lotus F1 Team
Kimi Räikkönen
“Although the car felt very good on Friday, yesterday and today have been pretty difficult. Since Saturday morning it has not been behaving as we expected for some reason, especially in the wet where we really struggled for grip. It was a tough race and I lost part of my front wing at the start which didn’t help, but at least we scored a few points which is better than coming away with nothing. If we can get the car back to how it was in Australia then I’m sure we’ll be at the front again.”
RAI – “Hello, bitches. You know that scene in the American horror movies? The one where the little slut, recently fucked, is about to get what’s coming to her? And they do, like, two fake-out scares until she gets the blade right between her knockers (ironically, of course). You know that scene? Well, guess what, bitches! I was not behind the shower curtain: I WAS BEHIND THE DOOR!!!!! See you in China!!!! Fuckers.”
Romain Grosjean
“I think we can be quite happy with the result today. It was a tough race, starting wet and finishing dry, but that’s what you expect in Malaysia. I spent a lot of time stuck behind Felipe [Massa] in the middle phase of the race and I’m sure if I could have passed him earlier then I would have stayed ahead, but by the end my tyres were finished so it was best just to let him through. It’s not the result we would have wanted at the beginning of the weekend, but at the end of the day it’s more points for the team and we’ll try to come back stronger in Shanghai.”
GRO – “Oh, I forgot to add Kimi’s awesome exhaust to my list of excuses. Hey, um, does anybody know if Mark changed his cell number? The one I’m dialing just kicks right to voicemail.”
Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team
Lewis Hamilton
“That was a fantastic job by the team today. They worked so hard over the winter and to achieve a podium at the second race of the season is a nice reward, particularly here in Malaysia at one of our home races. I have to say big congratulations to Nico. He drove a smarter and more controlled race than me this afternoon and deserved to finish where I did. The team made the call for us to hold positions and we both respected that. The race was tough, we were fighting hard with Red Bull and went aggressive on our fuel strategy but they were just too good today. Third and fourth places is still a great result for us however and just increases our motivation to keep pushing and close that gap.”
HAM – “I look like such a genius for ditching McLaren, I almost don’t care how I finish. Also, If I act to act the part of “gracious winner” for the rest of the season, I might not need to visit children’s hospitals every Friday to stop looking like an asshole. I can beat Nico, take podium, fuck Nicole and totally phone that shit in to the cancer wards! Bless.”
Nico Rosberg
“It was a great day for us as a team and we can be very happy of our performance here this weekend. It was a good feeling to be competitive and to be able to set fastest lap times during the race. Thanks to all of you at the team for all the hard work, results like these are very well deserved. Of course, it was disappointing for me having to hold position but I understand the team’s decision to safeguard our positions and to make sure that both cars got to the end with a strong team finish, especially in light of the tough times behind us. There are a lot of races to go and our performance today makes me look forward to fighting for more podium finishes in the future.”
ROS – “I took it up the ass today because I am the good soldier. Every now and then, though, even a soldier must be allowed to blow some shit up.”
Sauber F1 Team
Nico Hülkenberg
“I feel quite well rewarded going home with four points after my first race of the season in a new team and with a new car. I am quite happy with how it went, especially at the start of the race when we were quite quick on the intermediates. But then I was stuck in traffic and couldn’t find my way past other drivers. I think eighth was well deserved, considering I had to fight and push a lot today. I think the potential is there, and now we have to work on a few details.”
HUL – “I found the voo-doo doll, whomever of you assholes was pricking it with needles. But, motherfucker, if those needles weren’t stuck in there!!”
Esteban Gutiérrez
“P12 is an ok result, but Ideally we would have liked to finish in the points. At the end of the race we lost time because we stayed on the same set of tyres for too long. We tried to change the strategy and I did my best. That was all we could do at that stage. Overall the weekend is a step forward and we need to keep working and put everything together to achieve points.”
GUT – “Has anybody seen my HUL voo-doo doll?”
Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team
Adrian Sutil
“An early end to a race that promised so much for us. Both cars had the same problem with the wheel nuts and it cost us a lot of time in the pits. We’re not sure exactly what happened yet so the team stopped the cars to make sure we understand the issue. It’s a shame that this happened here because we had a very quick car today and I felt very comfortable as the track dried out. We have to stay positive, keep our heads up and remember that there are plenty of races left where we can make up for the disappointment of today.”
SUT – “I knew that shit was too good to be true. ‘Force India’?! Seriously: who named this team? Matt Stone and Trey Parker??”
Paul Di Resta
“It’s frustrating to come away with nothing given how competitive we have looked all weekend. We saw an issue at Adrian’s first pit stop when I was sat behind him, which cost me about 15 seconds, and then I had the same issue with the wheel nut at my second pit stop. As a precaution the team chose to retire the car. The good news is that we have the performance in the car, but this is definitely a missed opportunity because we had the potential to score a lot of points today. We will go away, take this on the chin, and come back fighting in China.”
RES -” I think we’re going to splice the footage of that pit-stop into the commercials of the abused cats and dogs. We’ll add some sad music and try to raise some money for a FUCKING WHEEL THINGY THAT FUCKING WORKS!!!”
Williams F1 Team
Valtteri Bottas
“I had a good start but then I drove off the dry line racing van der Garde and ran wide dropping to the back of the field. Once the track started to dry I was able to start overtaking a few cars and I had a good, clean race. The team did a great job with the strategy and with a few more laps I could have started attacking for a championship point. We maximised what we had today but I trust in the team that we can now continue working together to improve.”
BOT – “Holy shit, I passed some people. . . . . Then they passed me after I passed them. If only the race had been 80 laps! I might’ve passed them again!”
Pastor Maldonado
“The intermediate tyres made the start of the race very difficult as it was very slippery, particularly in the first sector. We had a good strategy to pit earlier in the race and opt for the dry tyres. I made a small mistake on braking into Turn 11 which forced me to run wide and damage the front wing slightly. After a new set of tyres, the pace in the second stint was good, but unfortunately my race ended early after a KERS problem forced us to retire the car. We will now work hard to prepare as best we can for the next two flyaway races.”
MAL – “When I say ‘KERS problem’, I mean ‘I drove off a perfectly good, dry course onto some very fun colored gravel that made my tyres look like happy, black doughnuts.'”
Scuderia Toro Rosso
Jean-Éric Vergne
“It’s good to finish in the points, but it’s a shame that a mistake in the pits cost us so much, as I could have done something better. So, overall I feel rather frustrated. But I’ll take the point gladly. After these first two races, we now have a short break before we go racing again and we must use that time to take a close look at how we performed and where we can do better, because there is certainly a lot of room for improvement, as both these two races have been missed opportunities. On the positive side, again today, once we got over our problems I had a good race pace and managed to make up a lot of places.”
VER – “Point! I got a point!”
Daniel Ricciardo
“I compromised my race even before the start when the conditions were very slippery, aquaplaning off at Turn 3. I managed to keep going, but I went across the gravel quite fast and damaged the floor. That probably played a part in my problem at the end. I got a reasonable start and made up a few places and was pretty pleased with the first couple of laps. But I did not have the pace to keep the Lotuses behind me and stay in the top ten, even though the switch to dry tyres was well timed. Like I said, I think the damage on that opening lap affected my overall performance all race long.”
RIC – “I was disappointed. There was not enough rain for poached clag, nor was there enough heat for roasted clag! I can eat raw clag every race! I came to Malaysia for, at least, some roasted clag. So, a disappointment.”
Caterham F1 Team
Charles Pic
“Off the line I had a great start and was up with Giedo for the first few laps while the track was wet enough for the inters. The team called me in to change onto the medium tyres for the first stint in the dry but as I was coming in to the box I saw Vergne being released right in front of me and I couldn’t avoid him as I was turning in and there was nothing I could do to avoid their mistake. The guys did a brilliant job to change the nose and the tyres and I was out again after losing about 25 seconds – that’s the sort of thing the pitcrew train for and it paid off in that first stop. It’s such a shame that incident happened as we could definitely have finished better if it hadn’t happened. It may have cost us a place and while that’s frustrating it’s also positive to see how well everyone reacted and to see that we didn’t stop pushing, on the pitwall or in the garage. We stopped another three times after that, going onto the hard compounds for two stints and the mediums for the last thirteen laps and the car felt pretty good throughout the whole race. I was able to push right to the flag and without the pitlane issue I’m sure the final result would look different.”
PIC – “If only for that one pit stop, I may not have been lapped by that Red Bull couple in the midst of some sort of domestic.”
Giedo van der Garde
“I had a really good start, really strong and the car felt great on the inters for the first stint. Just when he conditions were going from wet to dry I heard over the radio that I had a front left puncture but it was exactly at the time we were coming in to switch to the dry tyres so it only cost me a little bit of time. I came back out on the mediums and was running well in 17th with really good balance. From there the race was ok. The rain that had been forecast didn’t come so we didn’t have another chance to show what we can do on the inters and that’s a shame as I’m definitely quick on those tyres, but the car felt much better on both the medium and the hard compounds we put on in the second and third stops than it had yesterday. I didn’t have the same oversteer problems I had in FP3 or qualifying but we still have work to do to reduce oversteer on entry into the corners and we’ll look at that again in China. We’re also going to work on improving our setup options for qualifying, maximising every run in the practice sessions to help us get the most out of the car on Saturday afternoons and that will definitely help us put in a stronger showing in quali. I also want to say what a good job the boys did in the stops. It was pretty tight with Chilton each time but I stayed ahead of him after good work on the pitwall and really strong work from the pitcrew. When we finished I thanked them on the radio, and after the race Tony Fernandes told the whole team how proud he was of the work he’d seen today in the stops. He’s right – the boys are pushing hard and it’s good to see the efforts we’re making in the car are the same across the whole team.”
GAR – “So glad to be here!”
Marussia F1 Team
Jules Bianchi
“Obviously I’m delighted to finish 13th today, after 15th in my first race last weekend. I hope this is a trend we can continue! It was not an easy day though as we made life more difficult with a not so good start and opening lap and this really hurt the first part of my race. The lap time was really coming towards the end of the first stint but I was stuck behind the Caterham and unable to do much with it. After 18 laps or so I was able to get back into position and from then on I was very happy with my progress. It was nice to have held off Maldonado and to maintain the gap for so long. This shows we have the car to fight with them in the future. There are some things to learn from and improve after today and the weekend generally, but we have also made more progress already since Melbourne and we need to keep pushing. My thanks to the Team for a lot of hard work and more to come between now and China.”
BIA – “So glad to be here!”
Max Chilton
“I’m slightly disappointed with today because it seemed so many things were against us. First, the start didn’t work well and I lost a lot of time on the opening lap. That setback and being stuck behind the Caterhams really defined my race, which is tough to take because you know instinctively that the blue flag period is going to come much sooner in the race. The car performance is there and so is my pace, but there’s some work to do to bring all of that together and maximise every part of the race, including how we manage the blue flag phase. I’m sure that focus will ensure we can come back stronger in China. A good job by the Team this weekend as it has not been an easy time.”
CHI – “Guys! There are a lot of rules and shit up in this bitch! Flags and colors and crazy shit, it all happens so fast and you have to know what the colors mean! I’m, like, ‘Augh! What color was that? Was it blue? Did I win? So confusing!'” Really, though, I’m just practicing my ‘Hey, we-came-in-fourth, but, um ‘Meh?’ tone for the day I come in fourth. Otherwise, HOLY SHIT! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!!”
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