2013 Japanese Grand Prix, Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

“Hammy. Guess where I’ve got my hand. Hammy. Hammy. Hammy? Where do I have it. . . . Now? Hammy?”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“A very rewarding win today; it’s a great feeling. I love this track and it’s just fantastic to win here. It was a horrible start to be honest; we found ourselves sitting in third place and then tried to go longer in the first stint. I had great traction after I got past Romain and after that the only threat was Mark who got stuck behind Romain. We could then manage the gap until the end of the race. The Championship is the big target of course, but the season is very long still and the best way to wrap it up is not to think about it. I’m happy to go home for a bit now and to relax before we go out to India. That’s an impressive country and I’m looking forward to racing there in a couple of weeks.”

VET – “You don’t even realize you are being hypnotized right now, do you?”

Mark Webber, 2nd
“We were on the back foot a bit after Romain’s great start. I wanted to put pressure on him for the win. Sebastian was on a different strategy to me and in the end it worked out pretty similar. It’s hard to know which was right (a two or three stop strategy), as we were trying to cover off Romain. I did my best and in the end it was a good result.”

WEB – “It is hard to know which strategy was right, except the fucker who ran the two-stop took fucking first and the fucker that went with the three-stop took fucking second. Fuck this shit: I have to go shave.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 3rd
“Today was just a very, very good race. What a start! It was superb to go past both the Red Bulls like that and it’ll be one of my best memories of the year. The car was fantastic on the first set of tyres and we managed to pull away, but then the Red Bulls were able to reel us in later on. Ultimately, we were the only car to almost catch the bull. It’s been a great home race for my engineer; it’s always good to come to Japan and it’s really good to be back on the podium again.”

GRO – “Mmmm-MMM! Did you bitches see that start?! Even the Ice Dragons saw that start and said, ‘Fucking A!’. Taciturn Finn, who? I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about. I could give a shit less who takes Kimi’s seat next season. I’m just so excited NOT to be the one walking around the garage on eggshells, worrying about whether or not some Finnish mythological figure was going jump out and freeze my weiner off for having looked at Kimi the wrong way. I hope Massa signs with us ’cause I’ve heard he sort likes being pooped on.”

Kimi Raikkonen, 5th
“I had a very poor start. I left the line with wheel spin and lost a few places which wasn’t ideal, but I managed to gain places back later on in the race. After the final pit stop the car was working much better. It ran well in the last half of the race and I was very happy with it. It was a pretty normal race I would say. It’s difficult to overtake here so it’s good that we got some points. We did what we could.”

RAI – “Fuckers forgot to give me my car back after the “switcheroo for quali” weekend. Assholes. You’re all going to look pretty funny trying to piss through frozen dicks.”

Eric Boullier, Lotus team principal
“It’s great to see such a good fight in the race and both our cars show so strongly. Once again, both drivers, our strategists and the pit crew performed brilliantly and we did the very best we could on track. We don’t have the pace to beat Red Bull, but today we showed them that we are nevertheless quite formidable whilst also underlining to Mercedes and Ferrari that we are a strong contender for the final four races of the season. We must say a big thanks to everyone at Enstone for the fantastic car we have in the E21. To see Romain leading the race was very satisfying and we hope to see that again very soon.”

Boullier – “I’ve been shitting my pants and holding my breath since Kimi announced that he was leaving. Thank fucking god Romain has finally pulled his head of his ass.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 4th

“Fourth place was the most I could do today, as the three ahead of me were really out of reach and so, given our starting position and how practice went in general, I am happy. It was an action packed race and even if we suffered with traffic, degradation was more normal than in Korea and we were back to having a good pace. Certainly, we need to find something extra if we want to finish on the podium in the next four races. Today, Mercedes had a few problems and we made up some important points, but we must give it our all, if we want to stay second in the Constructors’ classification, because they are not far behind. I am very proud of having become the driver with the most points in the history of this sport, even if for a few years now, with the change to the points system, you get more. Now I want to celebrate this record and think about the next race in India. This one is already in the past.”

ALO – “You like that caveat? ‘Oh, I got more points under the old system, when you got fewer points so, really, Seb’s points are bullshit except that Seb is winning everything ever and, oh, fuck it.’ Speaking of putting things in the past, could we just put this whole season in the past and get this shit over with? I’m ready for next sea. . . . . .What? What’s that? Kimi is my team-mate next season?! Where’s Dasha? Daddy needs a blowjob.”

Felipe Massa, 10th
That was a really difficult day, with the drive-through wiping out any chance of having a good race or bringing home more points. When I came down pit lane, I didn’t realise I was going too fast. It’s the first time it’s happened to me and it’s a real shame, because in the first stint of the race, I had a good pace. Having taken the penalty, I was stuck in traffic and the cars that had made a third stop towards the end of the race were able to pass me easily on new tyres. I am disappointed, because I’m sure that without that mistake I could have got a good result. In the remaining races, we must continue to fight and I hope we can be competitive starting right away in India.”

MAS – “Yeah, yeah: I was speeding in pit lane. You know, I just felt so free. Disregarding team orders, doing whatever the hell I wanted; just driving and not worrying about where ALO was and what ALO needed and how they were going to tell me to do something to help out ALO. . . LIKE HE DOESN’T HAVE THE FUCKING HOTTEST GIRLFRIEND EVER!!!?? Anyway, I was thinking about all that and feeling that and I guess I just got a little carried away in pit lane. 

Sauber

Nico Hulkenberg, 6th
“I think, we did everything we could today. I was already surprised by the pace of the car going to the grid as it felt really good. Again I managed to keep both Ferraris behind me for a long time, even if it wasn’t enough as my tyres just gave up a little bit at the end of the race. We were fighting throughout the race today. Just after my second pit stop I was surprised I was able to pull away a bit from Fernando (Alonso), but he was probably saving his tyres. It was a great team result with P6 and P7, and hopefully a nice present for Peter Sauber. I’m fairly confident we can fight for points again in India.”

HUL – “Is this what it’s like being addicted to heroin? My brain is so filled with endorphins and shit right now, I can’t even think straight. I was able to pull away from Alonso because I’m flying right now! Fffffflllllyyyyyyyyiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngg!!!!!!!!!”

Esteban Gutierrez, 7th
“Finally I can feel great satisfaction after the race. It has been a lot of work to get up to this point and, while it has not been an easy path, I think it has been a very solid one. Over the past few races we have been improving a lot and, as I said yesterday, we have to keep optimistic and this is the result of that. Knowing we can achieve something like this, you really go forward and do your best and push. Even though the last few laps were very difficult with Nico Rosberg behind me, it was overall a great race. I want to thank the team as is has done a great job today. Also many happy returns to Peter Sauber on his 70th birthday.”

GUT – “Has anybody noticed how cute I am? Way cuter than Perez, yo!”

Mercedes

Nico Rosberg, 8th
“I made a good start today and was in a strong position until my first pit stop. Unfortunately we then had the incident as I left the pit box which ultimately cost me a top position. We will analyse internally with the team what went wrong but it was immediately clear that we would get a penalty. After that, we switched to a three-stop strategy and that worked out as well as it could for us. I was able to do some good overtaking manoeuvres, although I wasn’t happy with Perez as the rules are clear; you can defend once and close the door but you can’t switch sides again. Trying to overtake the Sauber at the end was very tough and while it’s difficult to be satisfied with eighth place given our potential, at least we were able to salvage some points.”

ROS – “Fucking Perez fucking destroyed my buzz just as the angels were working their magic. Fucking asshole. I needed that shit, too, after that craptastic race. Checo! You owe me one jizzed-in race suit, asshole!”

Lewis Hamilton, DNF
“I got a fantastic start this afternoon, better than both Red Bulls for probably the first time this year. Mark moved right, so I had to move as well, which sandwiched Sebastian between me and Romain. Seb’s front wing clipped my right rear, cut the tyre and that was that. It wasn’t his fault at all, just one of those things that wasn’t meant to be this afternoon. I feel most gutted for the team – the guys here at the track and in the factory – because they are doing an amazing job right now and we’re just not getting the reward for it. Looking to the last four races, I will just be going out there to enjoy them and score as many points as I can for the team. I still believe that second in the Constructors’ Championship is in our reach if our luck takes a turn for the better and that’s what we will all be aiming for.”

GOD – “This is God, speaking and translating for Hammy today. I have spoken. That is all. Bless.”

Ross Brawn, Mercedes team principal
“A tough afternoon for us which was made more frustrating by the fact that we had a good car today and unfortunately did not get the opportunity to demonstrate that. Our lap times were pretty competitive and the tyre durability was good but for various reasons, we weren’t able to race well. We suffered a puncture with Lewis off the line and, whilst he managed to recover to the pits, the damage subsequently proved too great to continue. With Nico, we had the issue with the pit stop which led to the drive through penalty. We’re normally a pretty reliable team in the pits and I don’t fully understand what happened yet but we will investigate and take any necessary actions. The team has worked extremely hard over the past two weeks and I still believe we have the potential to finish the season in second place in the Constructors’ Championship but we have to use the potential of the car to the full in the four remaining races to achieve that aim.”

Brawn – “I’m outta here!”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 9th

“The first two stints of the race were pretty difficult as I had massive understeer. That was my fault: on the lap-to-grid, it felt like I had too much front-end, so I took some wing out of the car. It was the wrong thing to do – it left me with too much understeer, and I kept locking up the fronts, which destroyed the front tyres. For the third set, we added some front-wing, and the balance came back to me. In the end, the car was really good to drive – especially my final stint on the Option tyre, which was a lot of fun, especially as I was able to chase down and pass a couple of other cars. In the closing laps, I made a great move on Paul [di Resta] around the outside of the chicane. I made the same move on Felipe [Massa] too, but he forced me over the kerb, so I ended up getting him on the straight. So it was an enjoyable end to the race, but a disappointing beginning.”

BUT – “I’ve been watching and listening to some of Hammy’s videos and beats on the secret intra-F1 YouTube. I’m thinking I need to commision a song/rap/thing from him. Something along the lines of: ‘FUCK THIS FUCKING CAR / YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CAR / FUCK YOU / OH BABY / YEAH / FUCK THIS SHIT’. It’ll be quite danceable.”

Sergio Perez, 15th
“It was a very unfortunate afternoon for us. I had such bad luck – things just didn’t go our way today. In fact, I think you could say that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. We had an incident with Nico [Rosberg] in the pit lane, some slow pit stops, and then another incident with Nico, which caused me to suffer a puncture – luckily, however, right at the entrance of the pit lane. After a difficult race like this, all we can do is look ahead. In two weeks’ time we’ll start all over again – I’ll be hoping for more luck in New Delhi.”

PER – “I have to totally stop hanging out with MAL.”

Translation Svcs – It’s too late.

Martin Whitmarsh, McLaren team principal
“Today’s race was a tough one for both our drivers, but they showed stout character in dealing with various adverse occurrences with great determination throughout all 53 laps. Jenson made a good start off the line, but through no fault of his own was then embroiled in a first-corner incident, consequently dropping a few places. As a result, he also flat-spotted his tyres, which caused a significant vibration that we elected to curtail by bringing him in for his first tyre stop earlier than we otherwise would have done. We were consequently forced to convert his planned two-stop strategy to a three-stopper, which was a pity, but he drove a truly excellent race thereafter, taking advantage of rubber fresher than that of his rivals in his fourth and final stint to pull off some excellent overtaking manoeuvres and bag a hard-won ninth place by the flag. Checo made an excellent start, moving from P11 on the grid to P8 at the end of lap one, and was able to keep pace with all but the three front-runners throughout his first stint. Unfortunately, his first tyre stop was compromised by the unsafe release of Nico’s Mercedes, causing him [ie, Checo] to emerge behind Esteban’s [Gutierrez] Sauber, behind which he lost a lot of time throughout his second stint, unable to overtake despite making plenty of brave attempts to do so. Then, in his third stint, Checo suffered a left-rear puncture, also ironically in an incident with Nico, which necessitated an extra unscheduled pit stop that put him out of contention for a points-scoring finish. Had that not occurred, he, like Jenson, would have earned some valuable points. From here we go to New Delhi, where we hope to consolidate our fifth place in the Constructors’ World Championship by enjoying what we hope will be a less eventful and more productive afternoon than we did here at Suzuka today.”

Whitmarsh – “Checho’s a dick but he has this amazing Tequila he swears will erase the memory of this season. . . .And, at this point, that’s pretty much the only reason we’re keeping him around.”

Force India
Paul di Resta, 11th

“At the start of the race I didn’t get a good launch and a few cars came by me, and then we lost out at the first pit stop because the Williams of Bottas jumped us. That compromised the second stint, which is why we went very aggressive with an early second stop to get track position and move ahead of the Williams. The car felt better for the final stint and it looked like we were on course for a point. In the end we were about five laps too short with the tyre life because I couldn’t defend from Jenson [Button]. With four races to go we need to take the positives from this weekend and will travel to India determined to get back in the points.”

RES – “Blergh. Still Force India.”

Adrian Sutil, 14th
“It’s been a very tough weekend and starting from the back of the grid made it difficult to get close to the points. In the end I finished P14 and had some good battles, but there was a lot of oversteer in the car and it was not easy to be consistent. The best part of the race was the start because I moved up to P16, but we just didn’t have the race pace we needed today and couldn’t get the performance from the tyres.”

SUT – “Man, remember Bahrain and Monaco? Oh, those were the da. . . Huh? That was just earlier this season? Fuck. Still Force India.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 12th

“There are some positive elements from today, because the car worked very well in this afternoon, However, our pit stops were not the best and cost us some time. After the start I found myself in traffic, so the team decided to call me in a bit early for the switch from the Option to the Prime, but the pit stop was slow and just put me back in the traffic. It was hard to overtake, so we tried lengthening the next two stints and the remaining pit stops were not the best. Apart from that, my pace seemed reasonable, so it’s a shame, as I think I could have done better, especially as I had a lot of new tyres for the race. I really hope I have a bit more luck and another good car in India.”

VER – “Have fun at RBR, Daniel!”

Daniel Ricciardo, 13th
“I am disappointed not to have scored some points today, because I am convinced I was heading for the top ten, which would have been an encouraging result, after struggling with the balance of the car on Saturday. We started on the Hard tyre and after I made a good start to move up two places, it was looking good as I passed Bottas on the track and moved up the order as those on the Medium pitted ahead of me. I was moving up the order again after my first stop and then I made a move on the outside of Sutil at the 130R and got past him. But after that, I ran wide onto the grass, which lost me a bit of time. Sadly, the Stewards decided I had gained an advantage by going off the track and had to take a drive-through penalty, which of course ruined my race. I was ninth when I came in for the penalty and it dropped me down outside the points.”

RIC – “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 16th

“It was pleasing to be able to make a move on the last lap to gain a position over my team mate. I felt we got the strategy slightly wrong today and we were struggling with the pace a bit, but we did manage to get 100% out of the car.”

MAL – “The levels of delusion under which I operate almost make you wonder if I’m operating from some other dimensional realm. . . .Either that or Checo’s tequila is much stronger than anyone realizes.”

Valtteri Bottas, 17th

“At the beginning of the race we didn’t look too bad and managed to keep some cars behind us. At the end of the second stint and into the third stint our pace seemed to drop off and we weren’t able to keep our positions. As the tyres wore out at the end we did struggle a bit, so unfortunately we couldn’t fight anymore.”

BOT – “I thought down here, in the backmarkers, we all kinda stuck together. Nothing like having your own team mate drive you off the road to make you feel like you’re at RBR. Hey, MAL, all the shit they pull? IT’S FUCKING FIGURATIVE!!!!”

Caterham
Charles Pic, 18th

“I had a good start but we’d already decided to serve the drive-through penalty at the end of lap one to get it out of the way and I was playing catch up from there. My target from there was to pass Chilton and I finished almost 20 seconds clear of him so that’s about as much as we could have hoped for today. I was on a set of hards for the first stint and they held up okay, they felt pretty good and I was given the all-clear to push quite early on so aimed to cut the gap as much as I could. We stopped for the first time on lap 17 and did the second stint on new options and my pace was good on them, right up until the second stop on lap 35. The final stint was on another set of hards and I came out around 11 seconds behind the Marussia so pushed as hard as I could and had the gap down to eight seconds with 11 laps left. I was gaining on him at about a second a lap and with five laps left I got him and pulled away, finally finishing 18th. I have to say I’m pretty happy about that, bearing in mind the time I lost on the first lap but I just kept pushing. I think it’s a fair result today for the work the whole team put in, and one that shows we never stop fighting.”

PIC – “Clag Sushi, clag okonomiyaki, clag noodles. . . I fucking love Japan. I had this dream once that I was on Iron Chef against Morimoto and the secret ingredient turned out to be clag and I totally kicked his ass!!!!”

Giedo van der Garde, DNF
“My start was okay but going into turn one I was squeezed between both the Marussia cars and had nowhere to go. I lost my front wing in contact with Bianchi and then the car went straight off and into the wall. It was quite a heavy impact but I’m okay. Obviously that’s disappointing, but it was a racing incident and sometimes these things happen so now we’ll move on to India and push for a better weekend there and for the rest of the season.”

GAR – “Meh.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 19th

“Generally this has been a really positive weekend for me and one where we’ve made all the right moves. It was great to qualify ahead of my three nearest competitors for the first time yesterday and today I held position for most of the race, so it was pretty disappointing to lose out just a few laps from the end. I was happy with the way our race was panning out but on the prime tyre in the final stint I struggled a lot more and made a small mistake going onto the marbles, which caused me to go off. From then on, with those tyres, there was little I could do to recover. Although we lost out in the end, I think we have to focus on the positives. The car is a lot stronger and we are in a good place for the fight with the Caterhams.”

CHI – “WOO-HOOOOO!!! FINISHED AGAIN!!! I LOVE THIS SHIT!!! WATCH OUT! THAT CLAG IS SLIPPERY!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Jules Bianchi, DNF
“All in all I think this is a weekend that was destined not to come my way, which is a shame as I love the Suzuka Circuit. We did our best to fight back and I was very confident in the way we would approach the race. Unfortunately, as I turned into the first corner on the opening lap, Van der Garde hit my rear wing which pushed me off track and into the gravel. Nothing more to say really, except my thanks to the Team for a lot of hard work this weekend. We’ll be back to do better in India I hope because there are good signs for the car performance.”

BIA – “I’m just happy for Max.”

Pirelli

Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director
“This was always going to be a very close race, with little difference in lap times between the two nominated compounds. As a result we saw varied approaches to strategy, with both the medium and the hard tyre being used at different points for the second and third stints. The majority of drivers stopped twice as we expected: wear is quite low at Suzuka due to the flowing nature of the circuit – which means that traction demands are low – but the high lateral energy loads mean that the limiting factor is degradation. This of course is exacerbated when you have a close race with the cars following behind each other, as aerodynamic efficiency is compromised and the cars slide more. Vettel was able to use a two-stop strategy to make the difference here, but it was extremely close with Webber and Grosjean. Once more we received a great welcome in Japan: one of the most difficult circuits in the world for drivers, cars and tyres, with an absolutely amazing atmosphere thanks to some fantastic fans.”

Hembery – “I love how all these assholes bitch about the tyres and then they use the fucking tyres to completely fuck over Webber. ‘Oh, Mark never would’ve made it. Oh, Seb just came in at the right time. Oh, no, we would never just arbitrarily fuck over Mark and lay it at Pirelli’s doorstep. Neeeverrrr’ Again: y’all all go fuck yourselves.”

2013 Japanese Grand Prix, Post-Qualifying Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

 

“Seb, you think it’s disgusting that I touched my balls and then shook your hand? Shit, I’m fucking drinking my ball sweat right now! Tastes like holy water, yo!”

Red Bull

Mark Webber (1st, Q3 – 1m 30.915)

“It’s a great track and we always enjoy driving here. The laps weren’t too bad today to be honest, but you always want a little bit more here and there. Sebastian had a problem in qualifying, so it’s a little bit of a hollow pole position if you like; he still did a phenomenal lap. But, I’m happy to be on pole; you have to grab the opportunities when you can and still get the laps in. It’s a very, very nice farewell for me to have pole position on my last attempt here at Suzuka. It’s a great circuit and I’ll never forget the first sector today, it’s what us guys strive for and it’s what our profession is all about; driving that is a real highlight for us.”

WEB – “I could tell something was a little jinky right off, mate. Something about the car felt bodgy. Then I realized the car wasn’t bodgy, the car was perfect and I just wasn’t used to perfection. Next thing I noticed was this picture of Marko, Seb and Cristian together on a beach and it was covered in sparkles and unicorn stickers. I kinda looked around to see if anyone was putting me on and everyone was acting quite normal. I figured: fuck it: I’ll drive this car and see what happens. The only real problem was getting used the Seb’s seat. It’s formed for his metallic endo-skeleton so it wasn’t very comfortable. I’ll do my best to not hold the VET-Bot 2000 up at the start. Really.”

Sebastian Vettel (2nd, Q3 – 1m 31.089s)
“First of all congratulations to Mark, I think he did a very good lap. We had an issue in qualifying, but I’m not a big fan of thinking that without this, with this, if this, you know… it’s always unknown and we’re P2. I’m happy with the result, a front row for the team is great. The car was phenomenal today, especially in the first sector. You realise afterwards that the car was really fantastic through there and you don’t get many days when the car feels that great and you can really push it to the limit. I enjoyed qualifying today and I’m happy with second place”

VET – “They make him race with this car?! Man, if I had emotions, I’d feel really bad for him.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“It’s great to have secured front row for tomorrow’s race. It was a very strong performance by Mark today to claim his first pole of the year and Sebastian, despite the failure of KERS on his car, produced a great lap also to get onto the front row for tomorrow’s race. We need to understand the issue with his car, as it’s the second session we had a KERS problem. Hopefully we can convert these very strong grid positions into a good points haul tomorrow.”

Horner – “Can someone take this call from Marko? He won’t stop fucking calling me or texting me about what happened.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton (3rd, Q3 – 1m 31.253s)

“I am really happy with P3 on the grid and the team has done a great job this weekend, so thank you to everybody for their hard work. It seems to me that we have a better package here than we’ve had for a while and the car felt awesome to drive. The wind direction changed around from yesterday’s practice session and that changed the characteristics of the circuit, which felt like it had much more grip. Third place is a strong result from Qualifying but the Red Bulls were just out of reach today. Managing the tyre degradation will be key tomorrow so hopefully we can get a good start from the clean side of the grid, then see what we can do from there against the guys in front.”

HAM – “Like any borderline bi-polar sociopath, I’m pretty happy when shit goes my way. When this fucking Merc craps out come race-time, watch for my hang-dog, victim bullshit to rear its lovely head. Pray for me. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg (6th, Q3 – 1m 31.397s)
“It was a good lap but it’s annoying when you step out of the car and the gap to the cars ahead is so close. I have put my set-up more towards tomorrow afternoon, so I’m quite confident about what will be a challenging race for the tyres. P6 is not a bad position to start from and I will try to climb some places up the order. Qualifying always involves some compromises in terms of set-up but we saw in Korea that it was working out quite well for me in the race until my wing broke. I hope we have found the same good balance between qualifying and race performance this weekend.”

ROS – I’m sorta torn between placing two spots behind HAM due to a sparky, fall-y-off-y nose and having that to rub in his face and coming in two spots ahead of him and having the little angels dance on my cock. Either way, I’m totally jizzing inside this suit.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean (4th, Q3 – 1m 31.365s)

“The Red Bulls have looked very strong and we knew it would be tight with Lewis [Hamilton] for P3, so I think we did a good job to take P4. The car feels much better than it did yesterday; especially on the hard tyres which we had been struggling with previously but were then fastest with in Q1 today. The team worked hard to address this overnight and we’ve shown great progress through the weekend once again. It’s a tight, technical circuit, the wind is still making things tricky and it should stay pretty hot, so it’ll be interesting to see what we can do in the race. I’m feeling pretty good.”

GRO – “I’m wondering if they pulled a “Red Bull Special” on me and gave me Kimi’s car for Quali.”

Kimi Raikkonen (9th, Q3 – 1m 31.684s)
“The car has felt much better here than it has in recent races; even if we don’t have a better position on the grid for tomorrow. A small mistake on my quick lap cost me a little bit of time and it’s very close here, so a small amount lost can mean quite a few positions dropped. We’ll have to see what happens in the race, but the car has certainly been more to my liking this weekend so the position on the grid is not a drama.”

RAI – “Motherfuckers. You gave me Romain’s car!!!”

Felipe Massa (5th, Q3 – 1m 31.378s)
“Managing to put together a perfect lap on this incredible track is always extremely satisfying and it reminded me of my pole here in 2006. Even if it’s a fifth place, it’s still a good starting point for tomorrow. Already yesterday, I could feel the car was well balanced and today we did a good job, managing to get all the potential out of it. More than this was not possible, but I am very happy all the same. Sure, tomorrow’s race will not be easy, because we have some very fast cars ahead of us, but we can be in the game and for that we must concentrate to the maximum on strategy and tyre management. Getting a good result will depend very much on having a strong pace. Last year, I finished second here and this evening I will try and remember how I did it.”

MAS – “Guys! I qualified ahead of Alonso! Guys! Wait. Did you fuckers give me Alonso’s car?! You bastards!”

Fernando Alonso (8th, Q3 – 1m 31.665s)
“Today’s result is more or less what we were expecting, not having had a great pace all weekend, always being between sixth and tenth and even in Q3, I could not do more. Here the long run tests went better in terms of degradation than in Korea and that gives us hope that we can make up ground in the race. Tomorrow, we will give it our best shot, as always, trying to count on our strong points; the start, the strategy and the way we manage tyre degradation. The aim is definitely not just to finish in the first eight to keep the Championship alive, because if Vettel doesn’t win here, he will do it in one of the next races, when the number of combinations that can affect the result will be less. Now we need to pick up points for second place in the Constructors’ Championship and for that we need to finish ahead of Mercedes, who are only one point behind us.”

ALO – “They make him race with this car?! Man, if I had emotions, I’d feel really bad for him.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg (7th, Q3 – 1m 31.644s)

“We knew we could fight for the top ten today, but P7 is a nice surprise. It was very tight, everything had to fall into place and I think we managed to do that. Compared to yesterday, the wind changed so we had a tail wind on the straights and this makes you really quick. That means we have a head wind in sector one, which gives you a lot of grip. It was so much fun to put a really good lap together in Q3. I am very happy. Clearly tomorrow we’ll be aiming for points.”

HUL – “P7! In a Sauber! Get in line, bitches! Look at my ass! Yeah! You know why it’s so fucking perfect? ALL THE FAT!  It’s doesn’t matter! You want this fat ass so bad right now! You know why I’m so fucking fast right now? Desperation!!!”

McLaren
Jenson Button (10th, Q3 – 1m 31.827s)

“In Q3 at Suzuka you want to go out and have fun – which is exactly what I did. I couldn’t have gone any quicker. I did three laps in Q2 and Q3 that were almost identical, so I think P10 was as good as our car could get here today. There wasn’t any more time left out on the track, but it was fun trying to find it! Looking forward to tomorrow’s grand prix, I think it’s going to be a different sort of race to those we’ve experienced recently, because the tyre degradation is more reasonable here than it’s been in previous races. Actually, I think both compounds are working well here. I’m really looking forward to the race, and hopefully we’ll be able to make progress and bag a decent haul of points. It’s going to be tough out there though – but that’s why we enjoy this sport.”

BUT – “Fun! I’m having fun! I enjoy this sport! I’m having fun in this enjoyable sport! My sports therapist has been working with me on positive reinforcement. It’s totally working!”

Sergio Perez (11th, Q2 – 1m 31.989s)
“It was frustrating to miss out on Q3 by the smallest of margins. It was extremely close: my first set of tyres in Q2 were the Options I’d run during Q1 when we’d aborted because of the red flag. That meant my reference for my second Q2 run wasn’t ideal as I didn’t really know where the track was going. Obviously, yesterday we missed out on some useful track time owing to the accident, so this morning was spent trying to recover that time, changing set-up and learning about the track. To miss out by just over tenth wasn’t ideal but, on the other hand, I think we’re in a good position to score points tomorrow.”

PER – “How much longer is this season? It seems really long.”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo (16th, Q2 – 1m 32.485s)

“That wasn’t a good session for us, which is disappointing as yesterday was one of the best Fridays we have had in a while. The wind has played a bit of a part today, but we definitely should have been further up than that. I would have liked a better result of course, but we will have to see what we can do in the race. I just wasn’t happy with the balance of the car. Jev’s problem? I heard about it, but from what I’ve been told there’s no reason for me to be concerned about it for the race, as everything was fine on my car.”

RIC – “Those A-holes told me they were going to give me Mark’s car this weekend. I think something got fucked up. I suppose I should just get used to being fucked over my Cristian. Man, and I put unicorn emoticons in all my texts to him this week!”

Marussia
Max Chilton (19th, Q1 – 1m 34.320s)
“I’m so happy to have put us ahead of both Caterhams’ in qualifying for the first time since China. One would have been a result, but to beat both Pic and Van der Garde is really incredible and shows just how much fight there is in all of us at this crucial stage in the season. It has not been the most straightforward weekend for us on track and leaving the garage after the red flag, with just under three minutes of the Q1 session, remaining seemed like a tough ask. The track conditions had also shifted in that time and the wind made things more difficult in sector one for sure. I gave it all I had and my lap was as good as I could have asked of myself. I’m just really looking forward to my first Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka and I hope we can carry the momentum through into the race tomorrow. Well done to all of us in the team.”

CHI – “OH HELLS YESSSSS!!!!!! QUALIFIED IN 19TH PLACE!!!!! THIS RACING SHIT IS AWESOME!!!!! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“It’s been an action-packed day at Suzuka, which is a sign of just how challenging this circuit is. There has been quite a high degree of track evolution over the weekend so far and we’d expect to see two pit stops in the normal course of events tomorrow. There’s a much smaller lap time difference between the two nominated compounds than we’ve had in the previous two races, which clearly had an effect on the strategy as it made it easier for the frontrunners to get through Q1 using the hard compounds, as we saw with Grosjean’s impressive run through Q1. This opens up different strategic possibilities for the race tomorrow, with a number of options potentially paying off. The times are actually very close, so there’s an opportunity for strategy to really make a difference. Although this is a very demanding track for tyres, with the highest lateral energy loads of the year, wear and degradation is where we expect it to be: we saw in qualifying that times didn’t drop off significantly even with used tyres.”

Hembrey – “As with every week: Y’all can go fuck yerselves.”

Driver Ringtones: Fernando Alonso – The Ghost Dog

It would make me really happy if Fernando based his whole driving aesthetic on some mad RZA beats and a Cliff’s Notes version of Samurai Theory.

There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the moment. A man’s whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there is nothing left to do, and nothing else to pursue.

When one has made a decision to kill (pass! I mean pass) a person, even if it will be very difficult to succeed by advancing straight ahead, it will not do to think about doing it in a long, roundabout way. One’s heart may slacken, he may miss his chance, and by and large there will be no success. The Way of the Samurai is one of immediacy, and it is best to dash in headlong.

There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.

Our bodies are given life from the midst of nothingness. Existing where there is nothing is the meaning of the phrase “Form is emptiness.” That all things are provided for by nothingness is the meaning of the phrase “Emptiness is form.” One should not think that these are two separate things.