Briatore, Translated. . . AH-gain.

I can’t think of annny possible reason I would need more money. . .None at all.

Flavio Briatore has backtracked on his claims that Christian Horner has no control at Red Bull, adamant the team boss has done an “excellent” job.

Weighing in on Red Bull’s saga from Sunday’s Malaysian GP, the former Renault team boss said Sebastian Vettel’s flouting of the orders was “proof no one is in charge at Red Bull.”

Speaking to RAI Radio, the Italian added that “Christian didn’t even have the strength to get on the podium because they’re terrified with a driver in charge instead of the team manager.”

“The fact Christian didn’t go on the podium after scoring a one-two says a lot about his weakness compared to the others.”

The 62-year-old has now backtracked, with his office releasing a statement saying his comments were ‘misinterpreted.’

Briatore added: “I have known Chris for many years and we have always enjoyed a great working relationship.

“Besides considering him a good friend, I have a lot of respect for him professionally.

“As a team principal, I think Chris has done an excellent job not only for Red Bull, but for Formula One in general, and he is still undoubtedly doing so.”

Briatore – “Ugh, I forgot the part where I might need to keep ballin’ like a playa. Hatas gon’ hate, but playas gotta play. And, when players are just getting off a ban from the game and they need homies to let them back into the game so Elisabetta can stay stocked in thongs. . Thong are not cheap, yo! Anyway, I kinda cracked outta turn the other day. Love you all. Perhaps you’ve an opening, soon, on a team. I promise to always get that fourth, pesky, tire on there real good.”

What’s Really Going to Happen on SkySports Tonight

ECC – “Ok, I got it all worked out with Rupert. Tonight, I’m going to be in the rafters above the studio, working your arms and head. No, no, it’s ok: Rupe’s gonna digitize all that out before the signal hits the satellite. I’m going to be up there, ok, and VET’s going have his hand up your ass, working the mouth. Don’t get any smart ideas, Mister, or we’ll just make it look like you’re wanking it as you try to sing Skyfall on live TV.”

Briatore, Translated

Grazie a Planet F1 for the link.

Riiiiight. Tell me again how I don’t know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.

The triple World Champion had been told to hold station behind Webber heading into the final stages of Sunday’s Malaysian Grand Prix, with Webber in the lead and having been instructed to protect his tyres and turn down his engine.

Rather than follow the team’s instructions, Vettel attacked and passed Webber, leaving the Australian and team principal Christian Horner fuming.

In the aftermath Vettel said that he had made a “big mistake” and apologised to Webber, a gesture that was met with a cold reception.

While Webber said that he needed time to consider what had happened, Briatore feels that the situation has gone too far to be mended.

“I think there’s no relationship anymore,” the Italian told RAI Radio.

“It was already very formal beforehand between the two Red Bull drivers, that was very clear last year, but I don’t think this relationship can be fixed.

“They are two professionals, they will win races and so on, but it’s unthinkable Mark may help Vettel in the future, and I don’t think Vettel will help Mark.

“So we’ll have two enemies inside a single team.”

While unimpressed with Vettel’s actions, Briatore was also critical of Horner – both for his approach to the situation and his decision to allow Adrian Newey to accept the constructors’ award on the podium.

“Sepang was proof no one is in charge at Red Bull,” he mused.

“Vettel is the boss there. You can’t have a team manager also doing the driving.

“If there was a manager with balls, he (Horner) would have had them switch positions again.

Briatore – “I know nothing about the short con or the long con. Nooooo. Nothing. Not a thing. I wouldn’t know anything about that nor do you have any proof to say that I might know anything about that.

No matter what you say about me, I will say this: I do know how do run a fucking team. As in: let’s say I needed, as team principal, a driver to, um – hypothetically, of course – drive into a wall. If, when I ran this hypothetical team, that driver would. Run. His. Fucking. Car. Into. A. Wall. Because I said so. Because, I have, um, how do say. . . . . ? Mother-fucking balls. So, putting aside the fact that everything I’m talking about is hypothetical. I probably know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

Button, Translated

Thanks, SkySports, for the link.

I’ve got 99 problems. . .One of them is: How many tires make zoom-zoom car go faster? I forget.

The 2009 World Champion was given the green light to leave pits during his third stop before his front right wheel was attached.

The 33-year-old’s car ground to a halt by the Sauber garage and the time lost waiting to be pushed back by the McLaren mechanics dropped him out of the points.

Button retired with three laps to go to ensure he can take a new gearbox in China without penalty, but feels that without the pit mistake he could have challenged both Mercedes cars for third place.

“It’s easy for me to say we would have been on the podium as we didn’t finish and I am sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think we had a chance to fight with the Mercedes,” Jenson told Sky Sports F1.

“We had one less pitstop to do, but I don’t know what would have happened, but I think at worst it would have been fifth. We could have pushed the Mercedes and they were fighting between themselves so it could have been interesting.

“But it is a good improvement over the last race just a week ago. We never thought we would be fighting for fifth, let alone a little bit better, so there are positives, but it is always very tough when you have an issue like this as it is a lot of points thrown away – even fifth is ten points. So that is tough, but the positives are that we are improving and I can see that we will be even more competitive in China.”

The pace shown by Button was a dramatic improvement on the Australian Grand Prix just seven days ago, and whilst the 2009 World Champion feels they will continue to progress in China, he is not expecting as a big a step in performance.

“We made some good improvements,” he added.

“This circuit helped us a bit as it is smoother than Albert Park, but in general we have been trying things and trying to understand the way the aero is working and I think we have a much better understanding now.

“We are getting there – we won’t have such a big step forward in China as we did from the last race to this race, but every little bit will count. We had a chance of finishing very high here today and hopefully we can do that again in China.”

BUT – It’s easy for me to say we would’ve had a podium spot. It is also easy for me to say that the pontoons we installed with zip-ties are what helped us through the really rainy parts of the track. What’s really hard for me to say is that, last year, my biggest problem was that I wasn’t following HAM on the Twitter. Well, that and all the empty fucking Haribo bags all over the garage. That was a pain in the ass. So, now, I’m free of HAM, but I have this problem where we’re struggling with the number of tires attached to the car. The universe, I guess, always finds its balance.

Hamilton, Translated

Gracias a NBC Motorsports for the link.

“You want me to look HOW on the podium?!”

Lewis Hamilton has denied he is treated as a “number one driver” at Mercedes.

Hamilton’s team mate Nico Rosberg was ordered not to overtake him in the closing stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix. But Hamilton denied he is being given preferential treatment at Mercedes:

“We don’t have a one and two at Mercedes. I have always said, from the moment I was speaking to the team, that I wanted equality.”

Hamilton’s pace was slow in the latter stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix as he had been told repeatedly by his team to save fuel. Behind him Rosberg had received similar but less frequent messages and believed he could go faster.

Rosberg told his team: “Tell him to speed up a bit this is too slow” but team principal Ross Brawn replied: “Nico please drop back, leave a gap.”

“We have to look after the cars,” Brawn added. “There’s a massive gap behind and there’s nothing to gain in front. I want to bring these cars home, please.”

Hamilton later said he felt Rosberg should have been on the podium instead of him: “You have be able to look at yourself in the mirror [and say] you won fair and square.”

“In Malaysia I don’t feel like I won my spot fair and square. Although I did drive a decent race, I don’t feel spectacular about it.”

HAM – “Just an FYI: I think you are all stupid! The only thing that’s killing me is that my PR people are telling me to act all conciliatory towards Nico, lest I also end up looking like Darth Vettel over there. Do any of you have any idea how hard it was to hide my victory boner while I put on my “sad-face” on that podium?! Winning is easy, “secretly” being the #1 driver at Mercedes is easy, looking bummed about all that is hard! Bless.”

Will Buxton’s Real Secret

F1 Translation Svcs-

The real secret, the real person wearing the mask, is Will Buxton! All along, he’s allowed us believe he’s half-journalist, half-comic relief: a sort of Roland Hedley grid-pixie, bopping around the cars, dodging Grid Girls like so many mini-skirted trees, angling for a quote from anyone willing to keep a straight face in the presence of those headphones. VET, shit. The problem with this VET thing is not that he’s a dick or not, it’s that he ripped off the mask and then rubbed our noses in the stinky dookie of his soul-less-ness. As new truths go, I like this Will Buxton one better. Makes me feel better about humanity.

Nice job, Will! You had us going! Now we see, though, that you are the next freaking Sam Posey! But with My Favorite Martian-style headphones. Hey, when that does happen, dial it down just a notch. Sam is awesome but, sometimes, he goes just a liiiiitle to purple with the prose.

(Confidential to Will: We are totally partying with you in Austin this year!)