Button, Translated

Thanks, SkySports, for the link.

I’ve got 99 problems. . .One of them is: How many tires make zoom-zoom car go faster? I forget.

The 2009 World Champion was given the green light to leave pits during his third stop before his front right wheel was attached.

The 33-year-old’s car ground to a halt by the Sauber garage and the time lost waiting to be pushed back by the McLaren mechanics dropped him out of the points.

Button retired with three laps to go to ensure he can take a new gearbox in China without penalty, but feels that without the pit mistake he could have challenged both Mercedes cars for third place.

“It’s easy for me to say we would have been on the podium as we didn’t finish and I am sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think we had a chance to fight with the Mercedes,” Jenson told Sky Sports F1.

“We had one less pitstop to do, but I don’t know what would have happened, but I think at worst it would have been fifth. We could have pushed the Mercedes and they were fighting between themselves so it could have been interesting.

“But it is a good improvement over the last race just a week ago. We never thought we would be fighting for fifth, let alone a little bit better, so there are positives, but it is always very tough when you have an issue like this as it is a lot of points thrown away – even fifth is ten points. So that is tough, but the positives are that we are improving and I can see that we will be even more competitive in China.”

The pace shown by Button was a dramatic improvement on the Australian Grand Prix just seven days ago, and whilst the 2009 World Champion feels they will continue to progress in China, he is not expecting as a big a step in performance.

“We made some good improvements,” he added.

“This circuit helped us a bit as it is smoother than Albert Park, but in general we have been trying things and trying to understand the way the aero is working and I think we have a much better understanding now.

“We are getting there – we won’t have such a big step forward in China as we did from the last race to this race, but every little bit will count. We had a chance of finishing very high here today and hopefully we can do that again in China.”

BUT – It’s easy for me to say we would’ve had a podium spot. It is also easy for me to say that the pontoons we installed with zip-ties are what helped us through the really rainy parts of the track. What’s really hard for me to say is that, last year, my biggest problem was that I wasn’t following HAM on the Twitter. Well, that and all the empty fucking Haribo bags all over the garage. That was a pain in the ass. So, now, I’m free of HAM, but I have this problem where we’re struggling with the number of tires attached to the car. The universe, I guess, always finds its balance.

Hamilton, Translated

Gracias a NBC Motorsports for the link.

“You want me to look HOW on the podium?!”

Lewis Hamilton has denied he is treated as a “number one driver” at Mercedes.

Hamilton’s team mate Nico Rosberg was ordered not to overtake him in the closing stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix. But Hamilton denied he is being given preferential treatment at Mercedes:

“We don’t have a one and two at Mercedes. I have always said, from the moment I was speaking to the team, that I wanted equality.”

Hamilton’s pace was slow in the latter stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix as he had been told repeatedly by his team to save fuel. Behind him Rosberg had received similar but less frequent messages and believed he could go faster.

Rosberg told his team: “Tell him to speed up a bit this is too slow” but team principal Ross Brawn replied: “Nico please drop back, leave a gap.”

“We have to look after the cars,” Brawn added. “There’s a massive gap behind and there’s nothing to gain in front. I want to bring these cars home, please.”

Hamilton later said he felt Rosberg should have been on the podium instead of him: “You have be able to look at yourself in the mirror [and say] you won fair and square.”

“In Malaysia I don’t feel like I won my spot fair and square. Although I did drive a decent race, I don’t feel spectacular about it.”

HAM – “Just an FYI: I think you are all stupid! The only thing that’s killing me is that my PR people are telling me to act all conciliatory towards Nico, lest I also end up looking like Darth Vettel over there. Do any of you have any idea how hard it was to hide my victory boner while I put on my “sad-face” on that podium?! Winning is easy, “secretly” being the #1 driver at Mercedes is easy, looking bummed about all that is hard! Bless.”

Will Buxton’s Real Secret

F1 Translation Svcs-

The real secret, the real person wearing the mask, is Will Buxton! All along, he’s allowed us believe he’s half-journalist, half-comic relief: a sort of Roland Hedley grid-pixie, bopping around the cars, dodging Grid Girls like so many mini-skirted trees, angling for a quote from anyone willing to keep a straight face in the presence of those headphones. VET, shit. The problem with this VET thing is not that he’s a dick or not, it’s that he ripped off the mask and then rubbed our noses in the stinky dookie of his soul-less-ness. As new truths go, I like this Will Buxton one better. Makes me feel better about humanity.

Nice job, Will! You had us going! Now we see, though, that you are the next freaking Sam Posey! But with My Favorite Martian-style headphones. Hey, when that does happen, dial it down just a notch. Sam is awesome but, sometimes, he goes just a liiiiitle to purple with the prose.

(Confidential to Will: We are totally partying with you in Austin this year!)

Ecclestone Translated

“I’ve a big bag of cherry Haribo if you can do some more distracting shit. Otherwise, I’ve gotta just make stuff up.”
“You smell like my grandpa.”

Danke to NBC Motorsports for the link.

Lewis Hamilton denies Bernie Ecclestone’s claim he had a chance to join to join Sebastian Vettel at Red Bull this year.

According to Ecclestone talks were held at the British Grand Prix last year for Hamilton to replace Mark Webber at the team. But Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz opted to give Webber, who won the race, first refusal on the drive.

Hamilton said he didn’t know what to make of Ecclestone’s claim: “I think he said something about me talking to Red Bull?”

“I said to my management team to speak to all the teams and give me what the best options were. There was no particular one that I was pushing for more.”

Ecclestone said Vettel would have no objections to sharing a team with a driver of Hamilton’s caliber: “Sebastian wouldn’t have cared if Lewis had signed for the team.”

It’s the second time in five days Hamilton has distanced himself from remarks made by Ecclestone.

Heading into the Malaysian Grand Prix Ecclestone claimed that Hamilton would rather have taken a year’s sabbatical from racing than spend another season at McLaren.

“I don’t think I would leave this sport unless I didn’t have a good feeling about it, or a smile and an energy when I got in the car. I love racing, so there is no need to stop,” was Hamilton’s response to that suggestion.

However he did add: “I think Bernie has a better memory than me.”

ECC – Yoo-hooooo! Look over here! Pay no attention to the swirling police lights and group scream-therapy going on in Horner’s front yard! This is the real story, over here! Look over here! It’s Hamilton, being so Hamilton, you guys! Guys? Look? Over? Here? Guys. . . .. Wha. . . What was that? Woah. Is someone being led away in cuffs?!

HAM – You are old. Bless.

F1 Services – This is actually kinda of perfect. The Bern-Dawg is simultaneously trying to distract us with Hamilton Antics(tm) and make it come off like Webber is the driver to whom Red Bull is being the most loyal. Me likey, Bernie!

2013 Malaysia Grand Prix Driver Quotes, Translated

Aside

Muchas Gracias to Formula 1 Blog for the driver quotes.

MALAYSIA GRAND PRIX
KUALA LUMPUR
SUNDAY DRIVER QUOTES
24 MARCH 2013

Infiniti Red Bull Racing

Sebastian Vettel

“I messed up today. I would love to come up with a nice excuse as to why I did it, but I can’t. I can understand Mark’s frustration and the team not being happy with what I did today; I owe an explanation to him and the whole team. I will try to explain to them later. We talk about this situation happening many times and what we will do if and when it happens and normally it doesn’t, but today it did and I should have translated the call into action. I got the call and I ignored it. Mark and I are used to fighting each other when we’re close, but with the tyres how they are now, and not knowing how long they will last, it was an extremely big risk to ignore the call to stay second. We could have ended up finishing eighth or ninth after destroying the tyres in those two laps; I put myself above a team decision, which was wrong. I didn’t mean to and I apologise. I’m not happy I’ve won, I made a mistake and if I could undo it I would. It’s not easy right now and I owe apologies to Mark and the team.”

VET“Did anybody realize, until this very moment, what an unbelivable cock I am? I mean, you thought Hamilton was a piece of work, what with his earrings and his cocksure unease of a dog that’s been beaten one too many times. But, shit, here I am: a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL, unable to OBEY FUCKING ORDERS. So, sure, I feel bad: poor Mark and  all that, real shame, to be sure. I feel terrible, of course, but, hey, I did what I did BECAUSE OF THE TYRES!!!!!! THE TYRES!!! It’s, um, ah, it’s. . . Not, um, that I’m a fucking egotistical prick, desperate to exorcise the ghost of the “dead” MSC. No, I just wasn’t sure about the tyres. Sorry, Mark! I guess.”

F1 Svcs- People, recall our recent post about the tyres! This cocksucker has moved from bitching about the tyres as part excuse and part windmill to fucking BLAMING THE TYRES FOR DISOBEYING TEAM ORDERS, BEING A DICK AND FUCKING MOTHER THERESA DYING. Vettel, most of all, I hate your fucking ass right now for making fucking Lewis fucking “Haribo” Hamilton seem FUCKING SYMPATHETIC. WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKK!!!????

Mark Webber

“I think Sebastian has respect for me and I have respect for him, but the situation today was not handled well. It’s hard to put your finger on it all now after the race; when we’re racing on the limit and pushing as hard as we can, then it’s the worst situation for a team. I am sure they are bricking themselves and know that things can go wrong. There’s a bit of history to this as well; my mind in the last 15 laps was thinking about a lot of things, but I was happy with the way I drove. I tried to isolate what happened at the end and we got something out of it today, but of course I’m not satisfied with the result. This puts heat on a few people and unfortunately there’s no rewind button. I know people want raw emotion from us after these situations and it’s there, but we need to remain cool. There’s three weeks until the next race, so time for us to work on things.”

WEB – “I totally have to stop hanging out with fucking Grosjean. I had all my shit rockin’ today. Shrimp was on the barbie. cheekbones fucking honed like a motherfucker: I was Powning! Apparently, VET got into my medicine cabinet and took a double decker of my Viagra. Who’s got the biggest cock, Seb? It won’t matter after I fucking bris your shit down to a nub with the 60 grit stubble on my chin dimple. If the next race was held tomorrow instead of, say, three weeks from now, I would basically drive Adrian’s car right up Seb’s ass right off P2 and empty a Foster’s onto his head as the other cars drove around us. Multi-21, VET! Multi-21!” 

Scuderia Ferrari

Fernando Alonso

“Today, unfortunately, we were very unlucky. After making a good start, I touched with Vettel at the second corner: it was a surprise to find him there, almost stopped and I don’t know what speed he was doing. Despite the fact the car was damaged, it didn’t seem to be too bad and, together with the team, we decided to keep going, because if we’d stopped immediately and then again on lap 3 or 4 to fit dry tyres, we would have dropped too far back and definitely lost the chance to finish up the front. It’s easy to criticise this decision, but at the time it seemed like the right one. It was certainly a shame, because here we could have fought with the Red Bulls, but circumstances didn’t help and apart from the wisdom of the decisions we took, bad luck really played its part, when you think how many off-track excursions there were in Australia without any consequence and even here when the cars first went out on track. Now we are already focusing on the coming races in China and Bahrain, where we hope to do better than last year, so that we arrive in Europe with as many points as possible.”

ALO – “If I had pulled that shit off, that would’ve been some righteous shit, no?. As it was, you got to see my front spoiler disintegrate into a million pieces. And, also, sparks! Somehow, isn’t it more exciting to think about what could have been? No? Fuck.”

Felipe Massa

“Today’s race was really complicated, because starting with a new set of intermediates on a track that was very damp at some points and completely dry at others, prevented me from having a good pace and I lost ground to many other drivers on the first lap. Maybe bringing forward the first stop to fit dry tyres was a slightly risky choice, because the track was still damp and this cost me time. Then on the dry track, the car improved, the tyre degradation wasn’t excessive and I managed to settle into a good pace, but at that point, any hope of finishing on the podium had vanished. I can’t say I’m satisfied with this result, but given all the difficulties I had at the start of the race, I am happy to bring home a good points haul”.

MAS – “Somehow, and I’m really not sure how, I came home with some points. Also, my team mate and I are still following each other on Twitter. . .. and speaking to each other.”

Vodafone McLaren Mercedes

Sergio Perez

“This afternoon my engineers sorted out a very good race strategy that enabled me to pass the cars immediately in front of me early on – so thank you and well done for that, guys. Unfortunately, towards the end of the race, my tyres began to degrade a bit too much, especially my front left, and we therefore felt it would be too risky to try to drive to the finish on that set. Consequently, we had no real option other than to make an extra pitstop, which caused me to lose position. I still ended up ninth, which is two places better than I finished in Melbourne last weekend, so I think it’s fair to say that we can see that progress is being made. In Shanghai in two weeks’ time let’s hope that that upward trend continues.”

PER – “Just so we’re clear, when I say “thanks and well done for that guys”, I mean: “Hey, um, ASSHOLES! STOP WITH THE FAVORS!” I think I’d rather fucking buy an decommissioned fucking Estrella Rojo bus and drag it around the track with a fucking tractor than drive this piece of shit car I have currently.”

Jenson Button

“We drove a good race today. Strategy-wise, we did everything right. We pitted on the correct laps and looked after the tyres exactly as we should have done. We’d have finished fifth but for the problem in the pitstop – maybe we’d even have been in the battle for third and fourth. It’s very disappointing that we weren’t able to demonstrate that, of course. Even at the end we had a chance of scoring a point, but unfortunately I was struggling with my front left [tyre] by that stage. It kept locking up, and it was producing such a bad vibration that I think the guys were worried that it might damage the front left suspension if I carried on. However, as I say, apart from the pitstop problem, I think we did a pretty good job. We’ve made improvements over the past week, and the result of those improvements was that we were more competitive here in Malaysia than we were in Australia last weekend, so there are definitely positives that we can take away with us. Hopefully, in China in two weeks’ time, we can continue that steady improvement and score a few more points.”

BUT – “Hey! Ah. . . At least we didn’t have to deploy the pontoons?”

Lotus F1 Team

Kimi Räikkönen

“Although the car felt very good on Friday, yesterday and today have been pretty difficult. Since Saturday morning it has not been behaving as we expected for some reason, especially in the wet where we really struggled for grip. It was a tough race and I lost part of my front wing at the start which didn’t help, but at least we scored a few points which is better than coming away with nothing. If we can get the car back to how it was in Australia then I’m sure we’ll be at the front again.”

RAI – “Hello, bitches. You know that scene in the American horror movies? The one where the little slut, recently fucked, is about to get what’s coming to her? And they do, like, two fake-out scares until she gets the blade right between her knockers (ironically, of course). You know that scene? Well, guess what, bitches! I was not behind the shower curtain: I WAS BEHIND THE DOOR!!!!! See you in China!!!! Fuckers.”

Romain Grosjean

“I think we can be quite happy with the result today. It was a tough race, starting wet and finishing dry, but that’s what you expect in Malaysia. I spent a lot of time stuck behind Felipe [Massa] in the middle phase of the race and I’m sure if I could have passed him earlier then I would have stayed ahead, but by the end my tyres were finished so it was best just to let him through. It’s not the result we would have wanted at the beginning of the weekend, but at the end of the day it’s more points for the team and we’ll try to come back stronger in Shanghai.”

GRO – “Oh, I forgot to add Kimi’s awesome exhaust to my list of excuses. Hey, um, does anybody know if Mark changed his cell number? The one I’m dialing just kicks right to voicemail.”

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team

Lewis Hamilton

“That was a fantastic job by the team today. They worked so hard over the winter and to achieve a podium at the second race of the season is a nice reward, particularly here in Malaysia at one of our home races. I have to say big congratulations to Nico. He drove a smarter and more controlled race than me this afternoon and deserved to finish where I did. The team made the call for us to hold positions and we both respected that. The race was tough, we were fighting hard with Red Bull and went aggressive on our fuel strategy but they were just too good today. Third and fourth places is still a great result for us however and just increases our motivation to keep pushing and close that gap.”

HAM – “I look like such a genius for ditching McLaren, I almost don’t care how I finish. Also, If I act to act the part of “gracious winner” for the rest of the season, I might not need to visit children’s hospitals every Friday to stop looking like an asshole. I can beat Nico, take podium, fuck Nicole and totally phone that shit in to the cancer wards! Bless.”

Nico Rosberg

“It was a great day for us as a team and we can be very happy of our performance here this weekend. It was a good feeling to be competitive and to be able to set fastest lap times during the race. Thanks to all of you at the team for all the hard work, results like these are very well deserved. Of course, it was disappointing for me having to hold position but I understand the team’s decision to safeguard our positions and to make sure that both cars got to the end with a strong team finish, especially in light of the tough times behind us. There are a lot of races to go and our performance today makes me look forward to fighting for more podium finishes in the future.”

ROS – “I took it up the ass today because I am the good soldier. Every now and then, though, even a soldier must be allowed to blow some shit up.”

Sauber F1 Team

Nico Hülkenberg

“I feel quite well rewarded going home with four points after my first race of the season in a new team and with a new car. I am quite happy with how it went, especially at the start of the race when we were quite quick on the intermediates. But then I was stuck in traffic and couldn’t find my way past other drivers. I think eighth was well deserved, considering I had to fight and push a lot today. I think the potential is there, and now we have to work on a few details.”

HUL – “I found the voo-doo doll, whomever of you assholes was pricking it with needles. But, motherfucker, if those needles weren’t stuck in there!!”

Esteban Gutiérrez

“P12 is an ok result, but Ideally we would have liked to finish in the points. At the end of the race we lost time because we stayed on the same set of tyres for too long. We tried to change the strategy and I did my best. That was all we could do at that stage. Overall the weekend is a step forward and we need to keep working and put everything together to achieve points.”

GUT – “Has anybody seen my HUL voo-doo doll?”

Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team

Adrian Sutil

“An early end to a race that promised so much for us. Both cars had the same problem with the wheel nuts and it cost us a lot of time in the pits. We’re not sure exactly what happened yet so the team stopped the cars to make sure we understand the issue. It’s a shame that this happened here because we had a very quick car today and I felt very comfortable as the track dried out. We have to stay positive, keep our heads up and remember that there are plenty of races left where we can make up for the disappointment of today.”

SUT – “I knew that shit was too good to be true. ‘Force India’?! Seriously: who named this team? Matt Stone and Trey Parker??”

Paul Di Resta

“It’s frustrating to come away with nothing given how competitive we have looked all weekend. We saw an issue at Adrian’s first pit stop when I was sat behind him, which cost me about 15 seconds, and then I had the same issue with the wheel nut at my second pit stop. As a precaution the team chose to retire the car. The good news is that we have the performance in the car, but this is definitely a missed opportunity because we had the potential to score a lot of points today. We will go away, take this on the chin, and come back fighting in China.”

RES -” I think we’re going to splice the footage of that pit-stop into the commercials of the abused cats and dogs. We’ll add some sad music and try to raise some money for a FUCKING WHEEL THINGY THAT FUCKING WORKS!!!”

Williams F1 Team

Valtteri Bottas

“I had a good start but then I drove off the dry line racing van der Garde and ran wide dropping to the back of the field. Once the track started to dry I was able to start overtaking a few cars and I had a good, clean race. The team did a great job with the strategy and with a few more laps I could have started attacking for a championship point. We maximised what we had today but I trust in the team that we can now continue working together to improve.”

BOT – “Holy shit, I passed some people. . . . . Then they passed me after I passed them. If only the race had been 80 laps! I might’ve passed them again!”

Pastor Maldonado

“The intermediate tyres made the start of the race very difficult as it was very slippery, particularly in the first sector. We had a good strategy to pit earlier in the race and opt for the dry tyres. I made a small mistake on braking into Turn 11 which forced me to run wide and damage the front wing slightly. After a new set of tyres, the pace in the second stint was good, but unfortunately my race ended early after a KERS problem forced us to retire the car. We will now work hard to prepare as best we can for the next two flyaway races.”

MAL – “When I say ‘KERS problem’, I mean ‘I drove off a perfectly good, dry course onto some very fun colored gravel that made my tyres look like happy, black doughnuts.'”

Scuderia Toro Rosso

Jean-Éric Vergne

“It’s good to finish in the points, but it’s a shame that a mistake in the pits cost us so much, as I could have done something better. So, overall I feel rather frustrated. But I’ll take the point gladly. After these first two races, we now have a short break before we go racing again and we must use that time to take a close look at how we performed and where we can do better, because there is certainly a lot of room for improvement, as both these two races have been missed opportunities. On the positive side, again today, once we got over our problems I had a good race pace and managed to make up a lot of places.”

VER – “Point! I got a point!”

Daniel Ricciardo

“I compromised my race even before the start when the conditions were very slippery, aquaplaning off at Turn 3. I managed to keep going, but I went across the gravel quite fast and damaged the floor. That probably played a part in my problem at the end. I got a reasonable start and made up a few places and was pretty pleased with the first couple of laps. But I did not have the pace to keep the Lotuses behind me and stay in the top ten, even though the switch to dry tyres was well timed. Like I said, I think the damage on that opening lap affected my overall performance all race long.”

RIC – “I was disappointed. There was not enough rain for poached clag, nor was there enough heat for roasted clag! I can eat raw clag every race! I came to Malaysia for, at least, some roasted clag. So, a disappointment.”

Caterham F1 Team

Charles Pic

“Off the line I had a great start and was up with Giedo for the first few laps while the track was wet enough for the inters. The team called me in to change onto the medium tyres for the first stint in the dry but as I was coming in to the box I saw Vergne being released right in front of me and I couldn’t avoid him as I was turning in and there was nothing I could do to avoid their mistake. The guys did a brilliant job to change the nose and the tyres and I was out again after losing about 25 seconds – that’s the sort of thing the pitcrew train for and it paid off in that first stop. It’s such a shame that incident happened as we could definitely have finished better if it hadn’t happened. It may have cost us a place and while that’s frustrating it’s also positive to see how well everyone reacted and to see that we didn’t stop pushing, on the pitwall or in the garage. We stopped another three times after that, going onto the hard compounds for two stints and the mediums for the last thirteen laps and the car felt pretty good throughout the whole race. I was able to push right to the flag and without the pitlane issue I’m sure the final result would look different.”

PIC – “If only for that one pit stop, I may not have been lapped by that Red Bull couple in the midst of some sort of domestic.”

Giedo van der Garde

“I had a really good start, really strong and the car felt great on the inters for the first stint. Just when he conditions were going from wet to dry I heard over the radio that I had a front left puncture but it was exactly at the time we were coming in to switch to the dry tyres so it only cost me a little bit of time. I came back out on the mediums and was running well in 17th with really good balance. From there the race was ok. The rain that had been forecast didn’t come so we didn’t have another chance to show what we can do on the inters and that’s a shame as I’m definitely quick on those tyres, but the car felt much better on both the medium and the hard compounds we put on in the second and third stops than it had yesterday. I didn’t have the same oversteer problems I had in FP3 or qualifying but we still have work to do to reduce oversteer on entry into the corners and we’ll look at that again in China. We’re also going to work on improving our setup options for qualifying, maximising every run in the practice sessions to help us get the most out of the car on Saturday afternoons and that will definitely help us put in a stronger showing in quali. I also want to say what a good job the boys did in the stops. It was pretty tight with Chilton each time but I stayed ahead of him after good work on the pitwall and really strong work from the pitcrew. When we finished I thanked them on the radio, and after the race Tony Fernandes told the whole team how proud he was of the work he’d seen today in the stops. He’s right – the boys are pushing hard and it’s good to see the efforts we’re making in the car are the same across the whole team.”

GAR – “So glad to be here!”

Marussia F1 Team

Jules Bianchi

“Obviously I’m delighted to finish 13th today, after 15th in my first race last weekend. I hope this is a trend we can continue! It was not an easy day though as we made life more difficult with a not so good start and opening lap and this really hurt the first part of my race. The lap time was really coming towards the end of the first stint but I was stuck behind the Caterham and unable to do much with it. After 18 laps or so I was able to get back into position and from then on I was very happy with my progress. It was nice to have held off Maldonado and to maintain the gap for so long. This shows we have the car to fight with them in the future. There are some things to learn from and improve after today and the weekend generally, but we have also made more progress already since Melbourne and we need to keep pushing. My thanks to the Team for a lot of hard work and more to come between now and China.”

BIA – “So glad to be here!”

Max Chilton

“I’m slightly disappointed with today because it seemed so many things were against us. First, the start didn’t work well and I lost a lot of time on the opening lap. That setback and being stuck behind the Caterhams really defined my race, which is tough to take because you know instinctively that the blue flag period is going to come much sooner in the race. The car performance is there and so is my pace, but there’s some work to do to bring all of that together and maximise every part of the race, including how we manage the blue flag phase. I’m sure that focus will ensure we can come back stronger in China. A good job by the Team this weekend as it has not been an easy time.”

CHI – “Guys! There are a lot of rules and shit up in this bitch! Flags and colors and crazy shit, it all happens so fast and you have to know what the colors mean! I’m, like, ‘Augh! What color was that? Was it blue? Did I win? So confusing!'” Really, though, I’m just practicing my ‘Hey, we-came-in-fourth, but, um ‘Meh?’ tone for the day I come in fourth. Otherwise, HOLY SHIT! SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!!”

Radio Silence

Must go offline to prevent being spoiled on Q results and GP results until Sunday night. Translation services are suspended until then.

Rest assured someone at Sepang is saying something that, on its face, is, at the very least, horrifically self-deceiving; disingenuous at best!

We’re looking forward to sifting through the bullshit and prevarication come Sunday!

Friday Practice Driver Quotes, Translated.

Thanks to Formula 1 Blog for the quotes.

Infiniti Red Bull Racing

Sebastian Vettel

“I think it was unusual today as in the second session one part of the track was pretty wet and the other was dry – but it all dried out quite fast, as it was so hot. This afternoon we couldn’t do so much due to the weather, but this morning it looked okay, although the tyres don’t last very long! We need to try a couple of things now overnight to improve and take a step forwards.”

Mark Webber

“It was a pretty smooth run for us today, but we need to improve and keep finding pace. The slicks were not too bad in those conditions and the crossover point looks quite interesting. The tyres are still the most important thing at the moment – it’s all about those! It’s pretty warm in the car, but if I’m warm, then so is everyone else and in general it’s not as bad as previous years.”

VET/WEB – We had a team meeting, see. We were talking about the importance of “framing”. So, like, even if Mark has P2, but forgot to take his Viagra and takes it up the ass from, like, six cars, we can say: “But, but, but. . . THE TYRES!” And even if Seb ends up losing to Kimi this season, he can say: “Sure, I came in second. This season was a little bit of a disappointment. There was Silverstone, where HAM won in front of his crowd, guided by Roscoe and the image of his dad, beating the shit out of him. We had the faster car this season, but Kimi just fucking rocked it AND THE TYRESSS SSSUCKEDDDD!” 

It’s beautiful: Even if VET ends up winning again, he can say IT WAS IN SPITE OF THESE AWFUL TYRES. 

Scuderia Ferrari

Fernando Alonso

“Today, the car worked well in all conditions and that is very good news for us. This circuit is more representative than Australia for evaluating the car’s performance and so it was important to understand here today if the positive feelings from the winter were not just an illusion. On my lap on the Medium tyres, I did not have the right balance, otherwise I could have managed to improve, as I did on the Hards and I could probably have been on the “front row.” Now we must see how tomorrow goes, when it could rain at any moment and on a track where tyre degradation is much higher than in Melbourne. With a high number of pit stops likely, a car that works better in the race than in qualifying could be an advantage. However, tomorrow we will try and do our best to get a place on the front row, because, as usual, the start, strategy and pit stops will hold the key”.

Felipe Massa

“Overall, it was a good day, even if the rain that arrived for the end of the second session cost us some valuable time, when it came to comparing the two compounds over a long run. The car responded well in both sessions and, as for the tyres Pirelli brought here, I felt much more comfortable on the Mediums that we’d already used in Australia. We now have a long evening to work on understanding what the real behaviour of the tyres is, because that is definitely what can make the difference and could make us more competitive, as we prepare for both qualifying and the race”.

ALO/MAS- The weather here is FUCKED. Hope one of us makes podium!

Vodafone McLaren Mercedes

Jenson Button

“Today we got through a decent amount of satisfactory work, and we duly gathered some more useful info about MP4-28. On a dry track it feels better than it did in Melbourne, but even then its pace still isn’t there compared with that of the front-running cars. We’ve identified some further improvements that we can make before tomorrow, though, which is encouraging, and it’s been a good day in terms of learning. Back at the McLaren Technology Centre in Woking [Surrey, UK] the guys are working as hard as they possibly can to find extra performance – and here in Sepang, too, every single member of our race team is doing a truly awesome job. It’s a lot easier to work on a car that’s winning races than it is to work on a car that’s not fully competitive, so fair play to everyone for getting their heads down and battling through.”

Sergio Perez

“Today was a very busy day, during which both Jenson and I tried a number of options in an effort to decide which spec to go with tomorrow and Sunday. Our car has improved since Melbourne – which is quite cheering when you consider that we raced there only four days ago – and it felt better in both dry and wet conditions today. Having said that, although as I say it felt better on a dry track today than it did in Melbourne, it would still probably qualify and race a bit better on a wet track than on a dry track, relative to our opposition, so we won’t be upset if it rains quite a bit over the next couple of days.”

BUT/PER: Everything is fucked. We can only hope that there’s a fucking monsoon and the track floods and everyone is washed away and we can deploy these pontoons we fab’d into the car and we’ll float across the finish line. Fucking blips, our asses.

Lotus F1 Team

Kimi Räikkönen

“It was a pretty good day. We tried changing a few things on the car and made progress with where we wanted to be at the end of the sessions. We had some running in the wet which you often get around here and the car feels fine. We ran pretty heavy today so I don’t know how we’ll be when everyone is light for qualifying, but I’m happy with where we are and expect we’ll be reasonable tomorrow.”

Romain Grosjean

“We’re still working on the setup of the car as it’s not quite right for me and it’s difficult to understand why exactly. The new front wing does feel better than the one before so that helps. Kimi was running an  updated aero package which looks to be an improvement so we know there’s more pace to come in that area, but there are still things we can do with the current specification once I get everything working for me. It was pretty hot out there – quite a contrast to Melbourne – but I felt comfortable and I’m looking forward to making some improvements tomorrow before we head into qualifying.”

RAI – Feel that cold breath on your necks, bitches? That’s the fucking winds of the ice-devil, mother-fucking Kimi fucking Raikkonen, yours truly, stuffing a napkin into my shirt collar, sharpening my knives, preparing to carve into all of your sorry, slow asses.

GRO – Fuck me. Webber and I totally have to stop hanging out. Fuck.

Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula One Team

Nico Rosberg

“We worked a lot on our long run pace today, rather than being quick over one lap. As we saw in Melbourne, tyre management will be the key to success, so that’s our focus for the practice sessions. The conditions were tough out there and the heat is unbelievable. Generally we learnt a lot today but we still have some homework to do tonight and tomorrow.”

Lewis Hamilton

“We made some positive steps with the set-up over the two sessions today. I had a good long run in the dry which has given us a lot of information to look at tonight. We didn’t learn too much in the wet this afternoon however as the conditions were quite mixed when I went out. We focused mainly on longer runs today so I haven’t done a quick lap yet on either set of tyres; that will come tomorrow. I’m happy with the direction that we’re going and let’s see what the weekend brings.”

ROS/HAM – Tweaky, tweaky, tweaky. Also praying. Bless.

Sauber F1 Team

Nico Hülkenberg

“All in all it was a difficult Friday. I don’t know what to make of it yet. I think we still have a lot to do until the next session tomorrow. It’s a tough call, because I was not able to get a proper long run due to the weather. I think we still have potential in terms of the balance of the car and we have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.”

Esteban Gutiérrez

“From a set-up point of view it was a very productive today. We were able to improve the car from free practice one to free practice two in terms of its balance. Then unfortunately we had several issues, but we managed to get back on track to use the time we had. I didn’t have time for a proper run with the medium tyres, but getting some laps in the wet and then changing back to dry conditions was very positive. Tomorrow we have to catch up on the time we missed out on today.”

HUL – Ha, ha! Ok, which one of you assholes has the Hulkenberg voo-doo doll? Shit ain’t funny, yo!

GUT – Glad to be here!

Sahara Force India Formula 1 Team

Adrian Sutil

“The morning went OK and the balance was quite good. We made a change during the lunch hour to cure some oversteer and my general feeling with the car is good. I missed out on some running this afternoon, but I think the rain interrupted things for everybody so I didn’t miss too much dry track time. I still managed a run on the hard and the medium this afternoon so I’ve got a feel for both the tyre compounds.”

SUT – Whatever the fuck I did last week, I’m totally doing that again. . . . Whatever it was. .Please don’t let this end!

Paul Di Resta

“I think we’ve had a reasonable day. We’ve got some tyre data and first impressions suggest that our performance level is pretty similar to where it was in Melbourne last week. Hopefully we can continue the progress overnight. Generally I’m fairly happy but, as always, there’s some work to do tonight to make sure we’re comfortable on both the compounds going into the race.”

RES – What Adrian said.

Williams F1 Team

Pastor Maldonado

“We didn’t have the pace today unfortunately. We need to analyse the data tonight to see what we can do. We have a lot of work to do but we’ll be pushing hard to see what we can achieve tomorrow.”

MAL – If this fucking car lets me keep it on the track, I will totally finish. Anything else that happens? Have I mentioned my fucking car?

Valtteri Bottas

“We had a number of parts to test today following the race in Melbourne and we were evaluating different things between the two cars. We will analyse the data to see what worked well and make some decisions for qualifying tomorrow. We hope to find some improvements, but we know we still have a lot of work to do to close the gap.”

BOT – Glad to be here!

Scuderia Toro Rosso

Jean-Éric Vergne

“I think this was a positive day, including the reliability front which is important. We concentrated on our long run work and we got some good answers from that, which is the most important thing, rather than looking for quick lap times. Consistent times over a distance are more important. For tomorrow, we can now look at finding more pace. Tyre degradation is quite high, but we expected that and it’s the same for everybody. If it’s dry for the whole race, tyre management will be quite tricky. I didn’t learn much on the Inters, except that driving the car in the wet on a heavy fuel load is difficult! The heat? I’m fine with it.”

Daniel Ricciardo

“We learned a lot about the tyres today. In the morning, they seemed to struggle in the heat and we made some changes to help deal with that in between the two sessions. We managed to improve the balance of the car to prolong tyre life and I think we succeeded to a certain extent in doing that. We still have more work to do on that. The heat doesn’t affect the brakes much as there’s time to cool them down, but you have to watch the engine temps and also the body temperatures, because looking in the garage the guys seemed to have just come out of the shower! This is a more physical race than others and it is definitely warm, but having come here a few times, I’m prepared for it and enjoying it.”

VER/RIC – It’s really hot! I hope there’s lots of yummy clag to eat! Roasted clag is our favorite! If it rains enough, there might even be poached clag!

Caterham F1 Team

Charles Pic

“Friday has been ok for us and it’s mostly been looking at tyre degradation and balance. There was a little too much understeer in the first session this morning so we tried a couple of setup changes and they seemed to work. In the afternoon we had to change the plan a bit when the rain started but that gave us a chance to run seven laps on the intermediate tyres which could be important for Saturday and Sunday. We also had our first runs on the medium tyres here and wear rates were ok on those. I had a small mistake on my quickest lap on the performance run and that cost me quite a bit of time so I think there’s more to come tomorrow, especially in qualifying. We’ve also been working on improvements in the garage between runs, cutting down the turnaround times, and that’s working well. Overall it’s been a good week in Malaysia so far for me. It’s been busy but I’m enjoying it – we’ve had a great welcome wherever we go and I’m sure that’ll continue all weekend.”

Giedo van der Garde

“I think we’ve had a pretty good day. We’ve completed a lot of laps on all the tyres except the full wets and run through the whole program. In FP1 it was the normal runplan, focusing on the hard prime tyres and starting to understand deg levels on those – our pace on that compound and the wear rates were both encouraging, but we’ll have to work a bit more on getting them up to temperature efficiently and then keeping them in that first phase of degradation as long as possible. In FP2 we did a couple of short and long runs on the primes and one on the medium tyre, as well as a stint on the inters when the rain started. It wasn’t the intense rain we had on track yesterday but it was still enough to mean we needed to run the inters and with rain possible in quali and in the race that’s more good data for us. It’s also good for me to get as many laps as possible done on the intermediates – it’s all part of the learning process and with full running in both FP1 and FP2 today, compared to Melbourne, we’re in a better position for tomorrow and Sunday than we were last weekend.”

PIC/GAR – It’s just so nice to be on the track, driving, pretending we’re in first or fourth or, I guess, not 19th.

Marussia F1 Team

Jules Bianchi

“I’m happy with the work we have been able to complete today, but it’s always difficult to end Friday without a clear picture of where we stand and where there are still so many variables to consider. I am pleased with my performance today though and we seem to be making progress on the set-up we need here. This is just one of those races and circuits and it’s the same for every team. It’s my first time racing here and I am happy with the way I have acclimatised to the track. Now we have to see what the rest of the weekend holds. It could be frustrating, it could be exciting. We will see.”

BIA – Seriously: Happy to be here!

Max Chilton

“Today hasn’t been the most straightforward of days but I know from experience that this circuit presents a variety of challenges, so not entirely unexpected. We have had our frustrations in a few areas but we’ve made some progress and completed some good runs – unfortunately not my new option run. I’m looking forward to seeing how the rest of the weekend will shape up now. The rain looks sets to play its part – that much looks clear. The rest is a little open right now so I think we will see an interesting qualifying and race.”

CHI – Guys! I am SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW! Did you know we run this shit IN THE RAIN?! When I’m not fucking freaking out, I’m SO GLAD TO BE HERE!!!!!

Como Se Dice “Mentiroso”?

Thanks to autosport.com for the link.

“I don’t regret anything at all,” explained the Mexican. “If they told me before we signed I would be in this position I would have definitely [still] signed with the best team.

Sergio Perez

You can, in fact, hide your lying eyes.

“For me, McLaren is the best team and after joining the team I am so happy. I prefer to be in this position with McLaren than at any other team and winning.”

PER: I fucking regret everything I’ve done since Hamilton confided in me – at the F1 Semana Santa Party – that he was thinking about leaving McLaren for Mercedes and I started thinking, “Well, if that dumb lymie bolts like the fresa he is, I’m on that shit like flies on carne colgando en el mercado!” And, sonofabitch, if it didn’t work. So, here I am, at McLaren and, dios mio, does their car mamar! Riiight, I’d rather here than with with any other team and winning. I’d rather be cantando Oaxaca, than having to smile while spewing this bullshit about being happy. I’m going to need to do, like, five miercoles locos at Christine’s in Ixtapa and make out with, like, 14 ugly gringas to get over this shit and we are only two races in. At least with Sauber, it was all “Can you believe how well Perez is doing with Sauber?!”. Ya la cargaste, Martin.

Please, To All That is Holy (Or, Possibly, Unholy. . . .Or Both)

Gracias a Formula 1 Blog for the link.

What do you do when your car isn’t all that it could be and you happen to be McLaren International? You start an aggressive development program intent on bringing your car to a competitive state. That’s what the folks from Woking will be doing this weekend at the Malaysian Grand Prix. Sam Michael explained to the press in a phone-in.

“We have some modifications to the car,” Michael.

“We have two lines of new parts, one is normal development that would have come anyway, and then we have some experimental stuff to work through on tyre degradation, some of which are back-run test items to help us further understand [the car].

“We will definitely be doing some specific tests during the weekend at Malaysia, and we have managed to do some work in the last few days.

“Whether that will resolve the problems in terms of our competitiveness I really can’t tell you to be honest because I don’t know yet.”

It’s never easy in Formula One and McLaren know this better than most. They’ve unloaded a relatively difficult chassis in the MP4-28 in Australia a week ago and quickly determined they are far off the pace of their competitors at the top. Change is needed and needed quickly.

Another component of hopeful thinking is that Malaysia can be riddled with rain soaked racing sessions and McLaren driver Jenson Button is starting his rain dance telling AUTOSPORT:

“I’d rather it was mixed conditions, then we have more of a chance to score points” said Button.

“Inters were very good to us in the last race, with P3 in Q2.

“When you have a quick car, you want it to be dry every day; no wind, calm, but when you don’t have such a quick car you want everything thrown at the field so you have an opportunity.”

Perhaps a few tests, changes and some rain could find McLaren minimizing the damage they would otherwise face in the first fly-away races. Most teams will usually wait until the series returns to Europe for the Spanish Grand Prix to make major car changes but McLaren don’t have that luxury.

Team McLaren: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE, OH, LORD JESUS, PLEASE! MY FIRST BORN SON UNTO YOU I GIVE. THE SECOND BORN, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ASK, MY LORD. WHATEVER YOU ASK, MY SWEET/UNHOLY/WHATEVER LORD. PLEASE, DO NOT LET US BE SHAT UPON BY THE UNHOLY ANUS OF YOUR MOST REPUGNANT CHILD: LEWIS HAMILTON. WE BEG OF YOU: DO NOT LET THIS SMUG MOTHERFUCKER BE PROVEN RIGHT. AMEN.