Horner, Translated


Let’s see. . . . which excuse will seem the most valid? Augh! I wish one of these telemetry screens would just list some excuse options!”

Danke to Adam Scott.

Christian Horner says he doesn’t know why Red Bull lost performance in China after being so strong in the first two races, but expects form to ebb and flow each weekend.

It was lack of one-lap pace relative to the opposition that ultimate tipped RBR towards starting on the medium tyre and using the soft at the end.

“I’m not sure, to be honest with you,” said Horner when asked about the car’s Shanghai form. “The last couple of years this track hasn’t been out strongest. It has a heavy emphasis on front wear and degradation, you tend to be front limited here rather than rear. So we’ll see next weekend whether things move around in Bahrain.

“I think we’re seeing that qualifying is paying less of a premium than trying to preserve the tyres. Our car performs very, very well, it’s a quick car, but a quick car abuses the tyre more, and the tyres can’t cope with that.

“Obviously then we have to adapt our approach and set-up and the way that we operate the car to ensure that we get more out of the tyres. It’s the same for everybody, it’s just a different way of going about things.”

Meanwhile Horner insisted that Vettel would have been at least third in China had he not got caught behind Nico Hulkenberg in the opening stint.

“Seb managed to pass Jenson, who he knew he had to clear quickly, but then Hulkenberg cruised past both of them, and that cost him quite a bit of time in that first stint.

“If Sebastian had found one more second in that first stint and not been locked up behind him his race would have been quite different. He would certainly have been on the podium, and maybe even second. I think it was the right thing to do, it was worth giving it a go.”

Horner – It was Nico. It was software. It was the tyres. It was the track. We were out of major Constructor’s Points not due to anything fucked up that happened in qualifying. . . Noooo. . .It’s not the emotional pall of a dysfunctional family that everyone on the RBR paddock refuses to acknowledge. . . it’s, uh. . .. . what phase of the moon are we in? I know we shouldn’t have raced in China during the year of The Snake!

Bowzer, Translated

Hey, Metric System! You make no sense! Everybody’s runnin’ around, saying, “Three kilos of fuel! Three kilos!” I don’t know what the fuck a ‘kilo’ is. I know 50’s pop hits, broad comedy and the sad, early days of VH1. I switched the thingy from ‘kg’ to ‘oz’ and put in 3. Job done!

Memo to VET and Marko

Webber: “I can see your ball sack shrinking.”

Psychologically, it must be very hard for you to deal with a guy who won’t sink to your level. It’s called fucking diplomacy.

Q: (Jonathan Legard – BBC Radio Five Live) Mark, how much have you resolved everything in your own mind over what happened at the last race and how to go forward and I suppose linked in there, is the haircut part of the new mean look?

MW: No, definitely not mate, the haircut’s not… it was a little bit of a screw up. Once he’d started he was on his way. Haircut is not part of the new look or new feel. Going forward, mate, I think we know everything that happened; obviously in Malaysia there was plenty of interest from everyone, other teams, media etc, but for me myself mate, it’s not an unusual situation and I’m looking forward to racing here this weekend and getting on with it. When you’re at the front in Formula One there’s always stuff going down so it just depends on how much is going down that you’ve got to manage. In the end, for me, I’m looking forward to driving the car here, putting in first gear and driving out of the garage and getting down there to feel what the car’s like on the circuit. That’s what I’m looking forward to, mate.

Team ClusterFuck/Marko, Translated

Thanks to SpeedTV for the link.

People say I’m tone-deaf. I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about: I can hear just fine. I just stay like this until Seb has something to say. I hear just fine.

Helmut Marko insists preseason comments he made about Mark Webber were never supposed to be interpreted as criticism of the Australian driver.

Austrian Marko, seen by most as team owner Dietrich Mateschitz’s right hand man, said before the 2013 championship kicked off that Webber “can’t maintain form” throughout an entire F1 campaign and “has a little trouble with the pressure.”

Webber hit back by saying it is obvious he is not “part of Marko’s agenda.”Marko’s apparent criticism might have gained new significance in the wake of the recent ‘Multi-21’ affair, where despite the fact Sebastian Vettel ignored team orders in Malaysia, it is Webber’s place alongside him that appears most in doubt.But Marko is quoted by Spain’s El Confidential as insisting all the fuss about his preseason Webber comments was exaggerated.“First, the interview was conducted in German,” he said. “It just happened to be Christmas, and so it was translated into other languages.

“I was asked why Vettel is champion and not Mark, so I tried to explain the differences with some facts.

“I did not think it would be taken as a criticism of Mark,” he insisted.

Marko continued: “Mark has always been a driver with a good reputation, and I have always said of him that when he has a good car, he is a winner.

“But when he has a good car, unfortunately for him, so too does Vettel. So, psychologically, it must be very hard for him.

“In the circumstances,” Marko insisted, “the magazine tried to say that I was against Mark.”

Marko made the comments about Webber in an interview with Red Bull’s in-house magazine, Red Bulletin.

“Hey, uh, Marko. Ok, we just did a PR on the “No Team Orders” policy. We need you to get out there. . .get Seb’s dick out of your mouth for two seconds and call that guy you know at El Confidential. So, let’s be clear: no team orders, right? The gloves are off. You realize that WEB is going to lash out like an angry child, right? So, yeah, get out there and just say some shit that makes it look like you might not necessarily favor VET completely. I don’t know! Say it was mis-translated! Say it was Christmas! Say the moon was full and you were vacuuming and a black cat ran through your yard and a little elf pinched your bottom right as you were quoted! Say whatever the fuck you want. Wait, don’t do that.
Whatever you do, don’t patronize to Mark with some shit about how it’s “psychologically hard” to be around someone as awesome as VET. ‘Cause, yeah, that. Probably. Won’t. Help. We’re trying to convince Kimi to come over next year, you know?! Can you at least try to make this show not look someone’s inter-family brawl at a drunken picnic? Please?”

Wurz, Translated

Still bitter about Schumi whacking me at Monaco in ’98. Webber should just get used to eating poop. . . or quit, I guess. Just up and quitting is an option.

Thanks to F1Zone.net for the link.

Mark Webber should be able to cope with life as a highly-paid and rated ‘number 2′.

That is the view of former Williams driver Alex Wurz, who is the latest pundit to comment on the ‘Multi-21′ affair in the wake of the recent Malaysian grand prix.

Some, including 1997 world champion Jacques Villeneuve, said the affair and Red Bull’s reaction shows it is “clear” Sebastian Vettel is the team’s number 1.

On the issue of Australian Webber settling for the subordinate role, Austrian Wurz said: “He has a double digit million salary to help him deal with the pain.

“If he believes another team could serve him better, then he should say goodbye,” Wurz told Spox. “But at the moment I think he will swallow the bitter pill.

“At the end of the day, he is on a team with which he can celebrate successes. If he is lucky and Vettel is not, maybe he could even win the title.

“Otherwise, he plays second fiddle, earns good money and is one of the stars of the show. Easy!” the 39-year-old insisted.

On the issue of number 1s, some saw the situation behind the warring Red Bulls in Malaysia as evidence Lewis Hamilton has arrived at Mercedes with clear favourite status.

“I think not,” Wurz commented.

“For sure (Nico) Rosberg and his management will have been straight onto getting an explanation.

“(They will be asking) if a pecking order has been established. Or whether it was a spontaneous decision based on logic.

“Maybe (Ross) Brawn was not thinking about the friction and the misunderstanding that may arise.”

Former Toyota driver Allan McNish, however, thinks Briton Hamilton’s new status is obvious.

“Even though it’s not official,” he told the BBC, “there’s definitely a strong focus on Hamilton being their main challenge for the championship.

“They’ve opened their arms to Hamilton and they’ve certainly got their arm round him quite well at the moment.”

Wurz – “‘Bernie promised me a possible paddock spot for a new team if I just randomly and pointlessly stirred up shit that’s done-been stirred to death. But, hey! You can totally trust my judgement the next time I steward a race. Heh, I might hand out a few ‘bitter pills’ myself, just for the hell of it. Also, bitterness.”

Allison, Untranslated

Kittos to Lotus F1 for the link!


After a weekend which flattered to deceive in Malaysia, Technical Director James Allison gives us the lowdown on wet weather woes, setup solutions and why the great tyre debate makes for pleasurable reading

“Sub-text?! We don’t need any fucking sub-text! Besides, have you ever tried to okee-doke Kimi? It’s fucking impossible! Seriously: it’s like he can read your MIND!”
China presents quite a different challenge to the last two circuits. Melbourne has a lot of medium speed corners with relatively few at either end of the scale, while Sepang has a reasonable spread; perhaps slightly biased towards the more high speed corners than average. Shanghai by contrast has almost no high speed corners, featuring predominantly low speed ones with a smattering of medium. Some of the lower speed corners are also extended in their radius, even with tightening arcs. This provides quite a stern test for the tyres, as you have a significant excess of torque over grip making it very easy to wreck a set of rear tyres rather quickly. It’s generally quite cool in Shanghai as well – unseasonably so last year – meaning that graining will be an issue once again; particularly given the smoothness of the asphalt which is comparable to that of Melbourne. From what we’ve learned so far the E21 is reasonable in conditions where graining is rife, so we’re hoping for more of the same in China.


Last year we ran a strategy which saw our drivers make one stop fewer than the rest of the field. In the end this proved a bridge too far for Kimi, largely down to the fact that he tends to be fractionally harder on his front tyres than Romain. As it turned out this race was a bit of a graining fest for the fronts, which was unfortunate as prior to that point he was sitting quite pretty in that race.


Not really; they’re just one step softer all round than last year and the new construction makes it harder to access the rubber on the inner corner of the tyre. In other words, the available rubber is reduced as it’s very tricky to get the entire width of the tyre in contact with the road. Certain teams are keen for a switch back to last year’s rubber, but teams will always push for what’s in their best interest. We feel the current tyres makes for entertaining racing, but then we would say that as our car tends to prosper when the tyres are tender.


The result in Sepang was obviously not what we were looking for, but that can largely be attributed to being half a minute down after seven laps. I have to be completely candid and say that wet weather is not our forte. We struggle to get the intermediate tyres warm enough to grip the road, and our current rear wing configuration for – whilst aerodynamically stable in wet conditions – does not generate the sort of downforce levels required for a wet track. Unfortunately we will be fighting an uphill battle with this until we bring a new, higher downforce rear wing to the track.


Romain started off the weekend with a setup that was far too oversteer biased, but through gradually moving towards greater levels of understeer he became significantly more comfortable in the car; subsequently putting in a very good race performance. As mentioned previously, these tyres really do reward a well-balanced car, but the format of a race weekend places sufficient time constraints to make finding that sweet spot a challenge. In Melbourne we didn’t quite manage to find the zone with Romain, but by the end of the week in Malaysia we had it much more to his liking and he subsequently rewarded us with a sterling drive.


We’ll be upgrading Romain to the latest spec exhaust and related bodywork as run by Kimi in Malaysia. We also have a few small tweaks to the front wing, rear wind endplates and sidepod vanes. One of the benefits gained from the new exhaust package is an increase in rear downforce through corners where the ratio of exhaust speed to car speed is high, which tend to be the lower speed corners. This is a good step forward which we hope will aid us in protecting the tyres at this kind of circuit.

Allison: “We are going to continue to do all the kick-ass shit we’ve been doing. The only really question mark for the season will be how much to twist the knife when RBR and Hammy bitch about the tyres.”

GRO – “Uh, guys? After Malaysia, I’m thinking my car’s ok. I mean, I know I was bitching about Kimi getting all the nice toys but, um, yeah. Were you at that race?”

Light Posting/Vettel, Translated

Kimi to RBR, eh? I have to check with Helmut and Bernie, but the idea of making The Fin my bitch seems. . . . um. . . unlikely.

We’ll be on holiday for a few days, so posting will be pretty light. I know, I know! There’s a lot of exciting articles and news that require translation; it’s all so confusing otherwise, isn’t it? Not to worry: We’ll be back this weekend and get caught up on all the F1 news that’s fit to translate. Thanks, everyone, for all the “likes” and “follows”!

Pirelli, Translated

Grazie to Formula 1 Blog for the link.

These tyres are great! GREAT FOR US TO POOP ON! We are. We’re pooping on your tyres. Really, though, pooping on your tyres is the only thing we do together anymore.

Pirelli says they are not interested in reviewing their tire compounds until at least the Bahrain Grand Prix so we’d better get used to the idea of the high degradation compounds being the focal point of derision for teams like Red Bull and possibly others.

Red Bull has been the most vocal about the manner in which the tires are impacting their performance so far this  year but Pirelli motor sport boss, Paul Hembery, says that they see no reason to accomodate just one team:

“If the whole paddock is saying something then that is a bit different,” he said.

“You have to do something and make a change and do something different, but if it is isolated and you work out why their concerns are coming forth, because it is not what they say on the surface it is something deeper than that, and you try and work it out.

“We think we know what it was and what it is, but if you go away and do things for one team you will have the whole paddock in uproar.”

No doubt you can’t favor one team but I doubt Recd Bull are the only team concerned about the tire performance so far. McLaren’s Sergio Perez was also critical of the tires as well. The issue could be in a majority versus minority opinion to prompt Pirelli to re-examine their rubber. The fact is, the Malaysian Gr4and PRix may have been more impacted by driver battles than tires according to Hembery:

“I think we have to be happy,” he said. “The two leading teams clearly had issues between the drivers, that maybe took away from what would have been an interesting finale.

“As for wheel to wheel stuff… it is something we will have to review after four races. It is still very early days.”

That seems a bit of a convenient scape goat if you consider the teams were driving and holding station due to tire degradation and rubber preservation… a catch 22 no doubt. Not to be confused with a Multi 21 though.

Pirelli Translated – “We are thoroughly relishing being the non-existent scapegoat for RBR’s soap opera. The more they bitch about the tyres, the more obvious it becomes that it’s not about the tyres. Gentlemen, you know that drunk neighbor you have? The one that beats his dog because his wife his cheating on him? Hello! You guys are winning. Leave the dog alone. Here’s a tip, RBR: If you guys don’t like the tyres but you continue to go Multi-21 in spite of the tyres and your inter-team emotional dysfunction, NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO BITCH ABOUT THE TYRES! So, um, shut up about the tyres.

Until the tyres turn into big puddles of liquified rubber the moment they hit the track, I doubt anyone else is going to say anything just to drive you crazy.

Good luck at therapy today, guys!”

Marko, Translated

Danke to MotorSportsTalk for the link.

I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

Red Bull advisor Helmut Marko has revealed that the team considers the dispute between Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber to be over.

Vettel ignored team orders to overtake Webber for the lead in the dying stages of the Malaysian Grand Prix last Sunday, as the internal tension at Red Bull boiled over for all to see. Although many believe the matter is far from over, Marko has assured the media that the issue has been put to bed.

“In the debrief afterwards, there was the relevant discussions about the race and then there was a handshake between the two drivers,” Marko said to the BBC.

“For us, now, the issue is settled.”

Marko has frequently favored Vettel over Webber, calling the Australian “inconsistent”, but on this matter he has said that triple-champion Vettel was in the wrong.

“I don’t think he will do that again.

“They don’t have to be completely on the same page but it must be a solid working partnership.”

Although the handshake between the two drivers suggests that the situation is not irreparable, the matter is likely to still be the talk of the paddock when Formula One returns in two weeks’ time at the Chinese Grand Prix. However, Red Bull will be keen on drawing a line underneath the entire dispute, in order to prevent their championship charge being damaged from the inside.

Marko – “This shit is over because VET and I say it’s over. Anybody who continues to have a problem with this shit, they are the one with the problem. Then we’re gonna have a problem.”

You know, I remember this one time, I was a kid. This other kid: some asshole in his half-tint, rim-less glasses was giving me shit. Probably for being a fat dork, which, hey. Somehow, his mom gets involved and makes us shake hands. I never saw that kid again. I can assure you, my fat dork status notwithstanding, I would’ve attempted to kick the shit out of that kid, had we crossed paths.

I’m betting WEB holds that “handshake” in the same light. Just sayin

Briatore, Translated

Grazie a Planet F1 for the link.

Riiiiight. Tell me again how I don’t know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.

The triple World Champion had been told to hold station behind Webber heading into the final stages of Sunday’s Malaysian Grand Prix, with Webber in the lead and having been instructed to protect his tyres and turn down his engine.

Rather than follow the team’s instructions, Vettel attacked and passed Webber, leaving the Australian and team principal Christian Horner fuming.

In the aftermath Vettel said that he had made a “big mistake” and apologised to Webber, a gesture that was met with a cold reception.

While Webber said that he needed time to consider what had happened, Briatore feels that the situation has gone too far to be mended.

“I think there’s no relationship anymore,” the Italian told RAI Radio.

“It was already very formal beforehand between the two Red Bull drivers, that was very clear last year, but I don’t think this relationship can be fixed.

“They are two professionals, they will win races and so on, but it’s unthinkable Mark may help Vettel in the future, and I don’t think Vettel will help Mark.

“So we’ll have two enemies inside a single team.”

While unimpressed with Vettel’s actions, Briatore was also critical of Horner – both for his approach to the situation and his decision to allow Adrian Newey to accept the constructors’ award on the podium.

“Sepang was proof no one is in charge at Red Bull,” he mused.

“Vettel is the boss there. You can’t have a team manager also doing the driving.

“If there was a manager with balls, he (Horner) would have had them switch positions again.

Briatore – “I know nothing about the short con or the long con. Nooooo. Nothing. Not a thing. I wouldn’t know anything about that nor do you have any proof to say that I might know anything about that.

No matter what you say about me, I will say this: I do know how do run a fucking team. As in: let’s say I needed, as team principal, a driver to, um – hypothetically, of course – drive into a wall. If, when I ran this hypothetical team, that driver would. Run. His. Fucking. Car. Into. A. Wall. Because I said so. Because, I have, um, how do say. . . . . ? Mother-fucking balls. So, putting aside the fact that everything I’m talking about is hypothetical. I probably know what the fuck I’m talking about.”