2014 Malaysian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

If it’s a day that ends in ‘y’, be sure to go fuck yourself and your fucking team orders

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 1st

“I’m incredibly happy today. This is my first win in Malaysia after eight attempts and to do it for our Petronas family in their home country makes it even more special. It’s all down to the team. They have done a fantastic job and I have to say a huge thank you to everyone here at the track and back at our factories who have been pushing non-stop to get the car where it is. The race was tougher than it perhaps looked today and the conditions here always make it a great challenge. But I was able to look after the car, the tyres and the fuel and still keep a bit of pace in hand which made my job that little bit easier. It’s great to see Mercedes leading the championship but we know that we have to make these early races pay. Anything can happen as we saw in Australia, so this is an important result for us. One-two finishes don’t happen very often and this is a real achievement for the team. Finally, I would like to offer this victory in tribute to all those affected by the tragedy of MH370. A special mention also goes to my step-mum Linda for her 50th birthday tomorrow!”

HAM – “Baby is so happy when Baby gets what he wants! Next week, when things go to shit, I’ll go back to pouting on the radio and tweeting telemetry. BTW: So sad about the plane crash people stuff! God rest their souls. These things happen for a reason; God puts commas where we try to put periods. Although, for lots of those people, it was probably pretty period-y.  It does make me sad, though, that they won’t be able to see me race or do fast things or listen to my music or think about me and the rich things I do. Happy Birthday, Linda! Hashtag Bless.”

Nico Rosberg, 2nd
“This is an incredible day for our team and for Mercedes-Benz. Everyone back at our factories in Brackley and Brixworth, and all employees of Mercedes-Benz, can feel very proud today. For the first time in the modern Silver Arrows era, we have achieved a one-two finish which is an incredible result. The team did a phenomenal job over the winter and my thanks once again for that. I also want to thank our partners Petronas. They have given our team so much support, along with the best products for our power unit, so we are proud to be associated with them and I hope they enjoy the celebrations today. I had a great start again, even though it was tight with Sebastian. It was very close at the wall and I just closed the eyes, went for the gap and did it. Later I was able to control the pace and to defend my position against Seb but Lewis was out of my reach, so congratulations to him for his win. I really look forward now to next weekend in Bahrain.”

ROS – “I just closed my eyes, went for the gap, let the angels on my dick start their dancing. . ..  and then. . gah! It’s like when you feel a sneeze coming on and then you don’t sneeze. Although, I have to say, after nearly passing out from hyper-ejaculating related dehydration last week, it was best for me and the team that I retain my fluids. I’ll probably get dehydrated this week, anyway, after puking every time I have to see Hammy’s smug fucking happy face. Thank god there’s only one week between races. Two weeks and my esophagus would’ve been toast.”

Red Bull

Sebastian Vettel, 3rd
“We have certainly made a good step forwards, but we still have a lot of work to do. It’s great to get a podium finish today. Considering where we were, not even two months ago, I think this weekend is a massive step in the right direction. It’s a shame we didn’t finish with both cars, but it’s good to see the car is quick and we need the laps; for now it’s important to collect points. The guys are pushing back in the factory and at Renault – it’s been a massive job from them – and we’ll try to be up there very soon again. It was a shame to lose a place at the start, but third was our maximum position today, so I’m very happy with that. It’s a shame for Daniel with what happened, he drove really well.”

VET – “Marko and I have been watching a lot of ‘Clone Wars’ lately and picking up a lot of motivational tips from the Separatist-soon-to-be-The-Empire guys and, yeah, it’s funny: doing a force choke on the guys at Enstone and Renault really gets their attention! Like, this shit works. Won’t be long until this seems-to-be-unfinished car is FULLY OPERATIONAL. Except for Danny’s car. Fuck him.”

Daniel Ricciardo, DNF
“It was looking like we could have a solid points finish today; the race was going pretty well. The start was really good and I made up a couple of positions and I was starting to, let’s say, mix it up at the front, which is nice. It’s fun being up there and fighting for the top few spots, but then we had a problem at the last pit stop and then we had a puncture. I think we had a front wing failure and a few other things went on and then the stop-go penalty, so the race ended pretty quickly for us, it went from looking good to looking pretty bad in a short amount of time. I’m really disappointed, but at the same time there’s a little bit in me which is happy because I think I’ve come out the first two races how I wanted to, in a way. I still want to improve, but we’ve started off on the right foot, so for that I’m pleased and with a little bit of luck we’ll turn things around soon and I’ll get some points. I love racing up the front, it’s been a privilege so far and a lot of fun in the last couple of races. It’s a bit addictive actually, I want more, so you’ll see me up there plenty of times this year.”

RIC – “Well, I can’t say nobody warned me. One thing that does make more sense now are all the little scraps of paper I keep finding in the nooks and crannies of the garage with “help me!” scrawled on there in Mark’s hand-writing. Time to respond to those ‘anonymous’ emails I’m getting about a support group for victims of team abuse.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“Considering where we were a month ago, to be on the podium with Sebastian in Malaysia in a dry race, is an incredible performance. We knew that we had some ground to catch up to the Mercedes, so to finish as close as Sebastian did today was a really positive performance and, while we know we’ve got a lot of work to do, we can begin to realise the scale of our challenge. It’s a great shame for Daniel who did everything right today – a great start and a great first lap and a really impressive opening part of the race. It was unlucky that when he came in to a pit stop, the front left didn’t go on properly and the car was released, it was judged to be an unsafe release and we had a drive through penalty. Thereafter the wing failed – we don’t know what caused that yet. I think Daniel’s clearly shown his potential and that the Australian GP wasn’t a one off; it’s great to have two guys pushing like they are.”

Horner – “Remember this quote when, next season, we’re blaming Danny for holding up Seb after his car catches fire and the smoke kinda slows Seb down for a second and so Seb doesn’t get a purple lap and that makes Marko/Seb angry and then I have to deal with that. Fuck that Danny guy.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 6th

“It was hot out there this afternoon! And when you’ve spent all that time watching the two Williams battling in your mirrors, it makes it feel even hotter. Still, it was an enjoyable race, and I couldn’t really have expected more. I think we got the most we could out of the package this afternoon, and I didn’t think I’d be finishing sixth after the way the car had performed earlier in the weekend.

“It’s encouraging for all the guys that we called both the pit stops and the fuel usage perfectly throughout the race. I also want to say a big ‘thanks’ to everyone back at the MTC [McLaren Technology Centre] for working so hard to bring the updates to the track. Every little helps. Nonetheless, there’s no getting away from the fact that we’re still weak in the high-speed corners; this car does have its strengths, but we’ve got a lot of work to do. We got the best out of the car today, but we know we still need to improve.

BUT – “It’s just really nice to not-suck as much as we sucked last year. Even though we still kinda suck.”

Kevin Magnussen, 9th
“I’m sorry for the team that I messed things up going into the second corner, with the incident with Kimi. I think we could have scored some good points today, so I’m disappointed with and for myself, too. Grands prix are long races, so I shouldn’t have made a mistake like that so early on in the afternoon. But that sort of stuff happens sometimes – and, when it does, you just have to learn from it, and I will.

“After the incident, it wasn’t easy to recover, and we struggled with the high track temperatures, and in the high-speed corners, too. As I say, I’ll learn from this race and I’ll see what I can do at the next one. It’s good that the Bahrain Grand Prix is so soon; it’ll feel good to put this one behind me, and move on.”

MAG – “I wonder if Sutil still has that prescription for ‘Sutil-itis’? Fuck, this shit is hard, actually, this racing thing. Do we do this all fucking year?! Fuck.”

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“Clearly, we’d expected to be leaving Sepang with rather more than the 10 points we scored here this afternoon. Having said that, Jenson drove a faultless race, moving steadily from his P10 grid slot to P6 at flag-fall. Had qualifying gone better for him, perhaps he could have finished a little farther up, but probably not much.

“Kevin made a good start, but, as he shaped up to pass Kimi’s Ferrari, the two cars touched, causing a puncture for Kimi and a broken left-side front-wing end-plate for Kevin. Kevin’s first pit-stop was consequently elongated by our need to fit a replacement nose-cone assembly, which deficit was compounded by the stop-go penalty he was awarded soon after. Such races are a Formula 1 rookie’s rights of passage, inevitable and unsurprising, but Kevin’s reaction was impressive from two perspectives: first, he put his head down and drove his heart out for the remainder of the afternoon, recovering very well to finish ninth at the finish; and, second, he apologised to the team unreservedly on the slowing-down lap, which wasn’t strictly necessary but was good to hear all the same.

“Overall, then, despite having got both our cars to the finish in points-scoring positions, we’re far from satisfied; but we’re working tirelessly to improve things, and that’s exactly what we’ll do.
“From here we go to Bahrain, where we hope to spice things up a bit by putting on a better show in the home race of our principal shareholder, Mumtalakat.”

Boullier – “Still so happy I got the fuck out of Lotus!”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 11th

“Eleventh place is good for all the guys at Enstone and at the track, and it’s good for me too. Finishing the race was our first objective and then we wanted to see where we were with our car. It’s not perfect yet but it’s good to be where we are at this stage. I had a big loss of downforce around eight laps to the end especially in the rear of the car which made things difficult, especially when I had to defend. Without that issue, I’m sure we could have finished higher. It’s good to be back and close to the points so it’s a positive for all of us. It was a good battle at the end. I kept remembering our past battles to make sure Kimi couldn’t go through!”

GRO – “Hey, hey! We finished a race! Well, one car anyway. Well, to be honest: Does anyone actually expect Pastor to finish a single race this season? Fuck. Do you know what I’m really sick of? I’m just realizing that ALL HE WEARS are these T-shirts with the 2012 Spanish GP results printed on the back. He must have, like, 50 of those fuckers. Seriously, even Kimi and his Ice Dragons weren’t as annoying as this shit.”

Pastor Maldonado, DNF
“After the start we were losing a lot of power so we’ll have to investigate later to see what the issue is and analyse the data. This problem meant I had to retire in order to protect the engine. Despite that, this weekend has been clearly a step forwards. Since Saturday, we’ve been able to run far more with the car and Romain was able to finish the race. Today obviously was not so good for me, but we’re not the only ones with issues so early in the season. This is all related to all the complex packages in the car, but we have learnt a lot this weekend and will make progress for the next.”

MAL – “Trombone sounds you hear when the adults talk to the kids in those Peanuts cartoons.”

Sauber
Adrian Sutil, DNF

“In my last lap I lost power and then suddenly the car switched off. I don’t know what happened, so we need to analyse it. It is a shame. Many things don’t work well at the moment, so we need to learn from that. In general, our pace was too slow and the grip level was poor. This was unusual for us and we didn’t expect that. We will keep working on the issues we have and we will be back stronger for the next races. We don’t have much time until Bahrain, so we don’t expect to have many updates there. However, for the upcoming races we have a plan which we are working on in order to improve.”

SUT – “We have a plan. Yep: we’re going to stea. . . um, borrow one of RBR’s cars from last year and paint it with whatever boring-ass livery we’re using right now.”

Esteban Gutierrez, DNF
“After quite a long stint, I made a pit stop and couldn’t engage first gear. I tried it many times, but it didn’t work, so there was not much I could do. In the end we made a step forward this weekend. Obviously it was not a good race, but we have to keep positive. We must solve our issues so we are consistent and reliable at the track and have no technical problems. We still have a long season ahead and I am confident we can improve.”

GUT – “I was sitting there, in the pit, and all the guys were all shouting, ‘GRIND IT ‘TIL YOU FIND IT! GRIND IT ‘TIL YOU FIND IT!’ and laughing. Fucking assholes were falling down they were laughing so hard. Fucking Sauber.”

Giampaolo Dall’Ara , Sauber head of track engineering
“The start of the race was okay, as Adrian was able to gain several positions. We were on a three stop strategy with both cars, because our goal was to keep up with the cars in front of us. Both drivers started on the medium tyre. Adrian then shifted to the hard compound at his first stop, because he was not happy with the medium tyre. Esteban changed to the hard tyre during his second stop, and then wanted to go back to the medium for the last stint. But during his pit stop he wasn’t able to engage first gear. Before that Adrian was forced to stop out on the track. His car lost electric power supply and switched off completely. We will investigate both problems in order to solve them before the next race in Bahrain. Overall, our performance in the race wasn’t where we expected it to be, so we have some homework to do.”

Dall’Ara – “Huh-uh, huh-uh! I said ‘Three stop strategy’. Uh-huh.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, DNF

“I think I had a great start today but very soon I felt some problems with the car. I lost power in the car and I just saw everybody overtaking me. Then I found myself in a sandwich between a Caterham and Bianchi and maybe I was a bit too ambitious to think I could try and pass the two cars. It was just not possible and this resulted in the collision, which damaged my front wing. At this point I knew that my race was compromised, so I was hoping for some rain and maybe a safety car to change the cards on the table and re-join the pack. But then I continued to suffer with the car and my race was over. It’s really a shame, as this was a race in which we could have been strong and achieve a good result. The race pace on hard tyres was pretty good. On the positive side, we have a good car and we won’t have to wait long before being back on track, as Bahrain is just around the corner.”

VER – “I’ve said a lot of words and things just now but the most important fact is that the idea of a Caterham/Bianchi sandwich has given me a really gigantic boner.”

Daniil Kvyat, 10th
“It’s good to finish in the top 10 for a second time in a row now. This afternoon’s race was very difficult and intense with a lot of fighting. The first two stints were hard when I was fighting the Williams and McLaren in the early stages, but they were faster than me on the straight. I was quite happy with the final stint and having managed to defend my position. Overall it was a good weekend and I hope we continue to improve like this as the car definitely has potential. So I’m looking forward to going straight to Bahrain to race again in a week’s time. It will be interesting to be on a track where we have actually tested with this car.”

KVY – “All the Ice Dragons and all the Italian racing history and all the British racing history and all the energy drink dollars and all you fuckers will all eventually bow to the power of oil-soaked Rubles! Respect, bitches!”

Franz Tost, Toro Rosso team principal 
“Daniil did another good race, scoring a point again here after Melbourne. He could stand the pressure from the others until the end of the race and defend his position, without making any mistake. As for JEV, after yesterday’s very good performance in qualifying, he unfortunately faced some problems today from the very beginning of his race. Soon after the start, in his first lap, he lost many positions, when something went wrong in the power unit management.”

Tost – “New strategy! We are looking into Russian citizenship for Jean-Eric!”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 8th 

“I think we need to be happy about today as moving from P18 to P8 is a good result and we have more points in the bag. The car was not as competitive this weekend as it was in Melbourne, but the team has done a very good in producing a car that is looking like it can consistently fight in the top 10. I had a really good start, making up six places on the first lap, and from then on the pace was pretty good and I was able to make up more places without too much trouble by using our very strong straight line speed on the long straights. Qualifying has shown that there are parts of the car we need to address, but the start to the season has been encouraging for us so far.”

BOT – “I am totally looking forward to being this season’s Romain Grosj. . . .Oh: Fuck me.”

Felipe Massa, 7th
“Getting both cars in the points today is a positive result for the team. I had a very good start and made up some good places on the first lap, but my progress was halted a bit by the McLaren of Magnussen in the first stint which had good traction out of the last corner which made it difficult for me to overtake. I also had the same issue later on in the race with Jenson as I was able to get up close to the back of him in the closing stages when on better tyres, but just couldn’t get past. On the whole I don’t think this track particularly suited our car, so we have done well to finish where we have, and I’m confident that we will be more competitive in Bahrain.”

MAS – “FUCK ALL YOU FUCKERS. MASSA IS THROUGH TAKING SHIT FROM ANY OF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. MASSA WILL RACE HOW MASSA WANTS TO RACE AND, IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH MASSA, FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OFF. Oh, wait: Smedley’s here? GODDAMMIT! Hi, Rob. How are you? Me? I’m fine. Hm, what? Oh, nothing. Jus’ chillin’.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 15th

“It was a pretty demanding race I have to say. I didn’t get a fantastic start and I knew there was going to be trouble in Turn 1, which I at least managed to avoid. We had a close battle with Ericsson for much of the race and towards the end we were very close and pushing him all the way to the line, eventually ending up just 0.1s adrift. We are a little disappointed today, but we’ll regroup and focus on what we can do for Bahrain next weekend.”

CHI – “WOOO-HOOO! 15TH! YEAH! I MUST’VE PASSED SOME PEOP. . . .WHA? ONLY 15 CARS FINISHED? OH. WELL. . . OH. THAT SHIT WAS STILL A BLAST! WOO-HOO!”

Jules Bianchi, DNF
“Unfortunately the situation with Maldonado was a consequence of what happened off the start, when Vergne hit me from behind and punctured my left rear tyre. Quite simply I could not avoid Maldonado; there was nothing I could do. We came in to change the tyres and to fit a new front wing but when I returned to the track the car was not easy to drive and we suspected a problem with the brakes. We could not continue to drive this way and had no choice but to retire. It was disappointing to end my race after eight laps and this is not the reward the team deserves after a week where we seemed to make good progress through the sessions.”

BIA – “It appears that the only way Max is ever going to not-finish a race is by me killing him, so I’m going to do that now.”

Force India
Nico Hulkenberg, 5th

“Today was a super team effort and I’m very happy with fifth place. We were the only team among the frontrunners to do a two-stop race and we had good pace all afternoon. It shows that the team’s hard work over the winter is paying off and it feels great to be so competitive and fighting up at the front. We showed that we could manage the tyres well, although I felt a bit more comfortable on the medium compound tyres than on the hards, but we always had the tyre management under control. So I’m feeling happy that we can take all these positives to Bahrain and leave Malaysia with a good helping of points.”

HUL – “I can fucking smell that fucking podium, motherfucker. Just give me that shit. I will fucking wreck that fucking podium.”

Sergio Perez, DNS
“I’m disappointed not to have a chance to race today. We are still investigating the cause of the problem but the car kept going into neutral when I was downshifting on the way to the grid. I made it back to the garage but we could not find a solution. I need to focus on the positives because we learned a lot from the weekend so I hope we can come back stronger in Bahrain. It’s been a frustrating weekend for me but at least we are racing again in seven days and can look forward to putting the disappointment behind us.”

PER – “Ja-ja! Ok, funny joke, guys: You painted my McLaren car from last year with Force India colors and put the stupid nose on it, but I can tell it’s my car from last year because, right there, is the margarita/michelada button and look how much wear is on it. I was punching the shit out of that button last year.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 4th

“The points scored today are the result of a trouble free weekend, in which the small improvements on the car worked as we had expected and it ran very reliably. We definitely have a lot more work to do, because while we are moving forward, the others are doing the same. Everyone in our team is doing their utmost to close down the gap. There’s still a lot to learn in these early races, but it’s no secret that we definitely need to improve our top speed, as could be seen from my duel with Hulkenberg. I was able to get him thanks to fresher tyres, but we definitely need to up our performance right from the very next race. It will be very hot in Bahrain and the tyre compounds are softer. This might be an advantage to us, because on the harder tyres we are sliding a lot. Also, from the data we gathered there during winter testing, we might be able to extract more of our potential, but that will apply to everyone.”

ALO – “Fighting off fucking Hulkenberg and fucking Force fucking India. Fucking Enzo would be spinning in his grave if he weren’t actually preserved in a giant bottle of grappa they keep in the basement at Maranello. There’s a little tap, there, on the bottle, and they let me and Kimi take shots of that grappa before every race. If Kimi wasn’t already made of half-vodka, the magic Enzo-grappa might actually help his ass finish higher. 

Kimi Raikkonen, 12th
“I am very disappointed with how this race turned out, because I got a good start, but then the collision with Magnussen damaged my right rear tyre, which meant I had to make an extra stop. That wiped out any chance I had of fighting for a good finish. After the accident, the car’s handling was not the same, as the tyre had caused damage to the floor, which led to a loss of downforce. On my first set of tyres, I had some difficulties and it was only after the final stop, when I fitted the mediums that it went better, but by then it was too late. Hard to say how things might have gone without that problem, because our rivals were very quick, but maybe I could have finished close to Fernando. It was a really unlucky day, but overall we managed to improve our performance and now we must concentrate on the positive aspects of this weekend and work to improve starting already next week in Bahrain.”

RAI – “It’s going to take a lot of watching Sasha blow ‘Nando in that Ferrari seat-chair thing he has to get my boner back this week.”

Caterham

Kamui Kobayashi, 13th
“Thirteenth in our second race of the season is a very good result for the team, especially after such a bad weekend until the race! I had a great start, and no brake problems this time going into turn one, and by the end of the first lap I was up to 16th, running at the same pace as Sutil just ahead and with the car performing much better than it had all weekend.

“We were looking at what was going on around us and with the good tyre degradation we had we adapted the strategy and decided to go long on the first stint on options, finally boxing on lap 15, going out again on another set of mediums which were working well right from the first lap of the second stint. I was ahead of Chilton and found really good pace on the new set of tyres and I went after the Saubers ahead and was catching them fast. We stopped for the second time on lap 32 and went onto the primes for the final stint, knowing it would be a long run to the flag but also knowing that if we kept it on the track we could have a good finish, and that’s how it turned out.

“Thirteenth place in Malaysia puts us back in 10th in the championship and gives everyone the sort of boost we needed. There’s still a huge amount of work to do and a lot of today was new for me – that was the first time I’ve driven the car on full tanks on these tyres and we obviously have to keep putting more performance on the car so we can really fight one or two of the teams ahead. That looks like it’s a realistic target at this stage, but for now, focusing on today, finally we’ve had a good day and we should be happy about that.”

KOB – “Not hitting people and not crashing and actually finishing a race does make me very talkative, yes. Why do ask? Hey, did I ever tell you about this other time I finished a race? It was warm that day. Not as warm as today but, still, pretty warm. There were some people in the stands. They were watching the race. Some of them were smoking. Those fans: they sure were smooookin’. This race, the one I finished, that time. I remember the tyres: the tyres were, like, wearing out; so I kept a good eye on them. Did I mention I was wearing an onion on my belt? That was the fashion at the time. . . Hey! Where are you going??!”

Marcus Ericsson, 14th
“First I want to thank the boys in the garage for working so hard to fix my car after yesterday’s accident. I was feeling a bit low last night, but to have finished my first full grand prix in 14th, helping us move up into 10th place in the constructors’ championship, is a great feeling, for me and everyone in Caterham.

“My start couldn’t have been much better – I passed both Marussias and was right up with Kamui by the end of lap one in 17th having made up five places. I was quickly into a good rhythm and keeping pace with my teammate but about ten laps into the first stint I started having some issues with the rear grip which was costing me a bit of time. We boxed for the first time on lap 11 but had a problem during the stop and I came out behind Chilton and Vergne. The second stint was really good – to be honest I was a bit surprised that I was fighting Raikkonen but he and Vergne made a couple of moves on me which I was able to defend, and then I went after Chilton. We boxed for another set of new options on lap 26 and I came back out ahead of the Marussia and focused on pulling away from him.

“I stayed ahead of Chilton after the third stop for the primes and from there I just wanted to get the car home. It was all okay until the last couple of laps when I started losing power, and I finished just ahead of the Marussia at the line as he’d been almost able to catch me with the ERS issue, but that 14th place, by 0.1 seconds, is what puts us into 10th so I’m really glad I could hang on. That tiny margin also shows that every single detail counts at this level of competition, and the tiniest advantage can make a big difference.

“It’s been a tough weekend, really tough for everyone, but we’ll head to Bahrain knowing we have something to build on, and something to defend. That’s a big positive and I can’t wait to get back in the car in a few days time and start all over again.”

ERI – “Whatever Kamui was smoking. . . I just shot a bunch up, right into my veins.”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“This was a tough race, with track temperature of 46 degrees at the start and the most abrasive surface that we visit all year. In spite of this the tyres showed an overall balance of performance that allowed a close battle for the lead. There was no blistering or graining, and while drivers had to manage thermal degradation, a three-stop race is in line with the requirements the sport has asked Pirelli to deliver.”

Hembery – “Hey, Renault! I feel for ya, bra. If you need any lube, I’ve got some left over from last year. Don’t worry guys, take it from me: eventually, your assholes will heal and you will be able to poop normally again. Pro tip: avoid leafy greens!

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2014 Malaysian Grand Prix GIF Report

Sebastian Vettel

After Qualifying (excluding his little cock up in Q3, of course):

After the race:

Reaction GIF: clapping, Patrick Stewart, Star Trek

Daniel Ricciardo

Reaction GIF: fuck this shit, angry, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Lewis Hamilton

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, dance, Brad Pitt, Burn After Reading

Nico Rosberg
 Reaction GIF: wink, Tom Selleck, Magnum, P.I.

Fernando Alonso
 Reaction GIF: clapping, sad, nod, agreeing

 Nico Hulkenberg

Reaction GIF: smile, yes, oh snap, nod, approval, nice, Christian Bale, American Psycho

 

Jenson Button
 Reaction GIF: not bad, agreeing, Kobe Bryant

 

Felipe Massa
Reaction GIF: fuck you, laugh, Fred Rogers

 

Valtteri Bottas
Reaction GIF: what the fuck?
Kevin Magnussen
Reaction GIF: okay, Jon Hamm
Daniil Kvyat
Reaction GIF: agreeing, not bad, Joel McHale, Community

 

Romain Grosjean
Reaction GIF: no, Jake Gyllenhaal

 

Kimi Raikkonen
Reaction GIF: fuck you, Ken Jeong, The Hangover

 

Kamui Kobayashi
Reaction GIF: what?, yes, nod, thumbs up, Emma Watson
Marcus Ericsson
Reaction GIF: nod, yes, contemplating, agreeing, Jack Black, Nacho Libre

 

Max Chilton
Reaction GIF: whoa

 

Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: okay, tell me more
Reaction GIF: stare, Samuel L. Jackson, Black Snake Moan

 

Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: disappointed, stare, waiting, Christina Hendricks, Joan Holloway, Mad Men
Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: contemplating, Larry David

 

Jean Eric Vergne
Reaction GIF: disappointed, despair
Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: no, José Mourinho
Sergio Perez
Reaction GIF: facepalm, Star Trek

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2014 Australian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

This is not metaphorical! I repeat: THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR!

Mercedes

Nico Rosberg, 1st 
“That was an incredible day for us. To start the season with a win is unbelievable and I have to say a big thank you to everybody who was involved in building our car over the winter. I always dreamed of having such a strong Silver Arrow and now it seems we are there. In the race, everything went perfectly for me. My start was great and I was able to push from there until the end, with our fuel consumption well under control. However, despite our success today, we also know that there is still some work to do. We saw over the weekend that reliability is still a concern and it prevented us from having a strong two-car finish. We have two weeks to improve that. I am very much looking forward to Malaysia and I would love to race again tomorrow!”

ROS – “No, seriously: Can I live in my car? I fucking love my fucking car so much right now. My only real problem is, like, this is a real concern, ok? So, um, can you, like, get dehydrated, um, from, ahh, fucking ejaculating too much? No, really. I’m serious you guys! I mean, first of all, Hammy DNFs, right? Pow! Right in my pants. The VETBot 2000 DNFs: Ungh-uhhhh! Mess in my pants. Then I go all VETBot 2000 on the field, leading by some ridiculous margin: Sploosh! Again, in my pants. Dudes, like, by the time I got out of my car at the garage, not only were my penis-angels exhausted, it felt like my boots were made of sponges. So, um, yeah any feedback on the dehydration issue might be helpful. Hammy, how was your race? Oh! I just came again.”

Lewis Hamilton, DNF
“My start didn’t feel great today and I had a lot less power than usual when pulling away, so it was obvious immediately that something was wrong. It looks like we only had five cylinders firing and, while I wanted to keep going, we had to play safe and save the engine. It’s unfortunate but that’s racing and we will recover from this. We have a great car and engine, and the pace was really strong today as Nico clearly showed. Big congratulations to him and the team for achieving the win, it’s a fantastic result for us. Of course I’m disappointed with my own race and when I think about all the work that has gone on back at our factories, it’s tough to have a costly hiccup. However we have achieved an incredible amount to get here, to be at the front and to be so competitive; we will bounce back and learn from this. There is a very long way to go this season.”

HAM – “Anybody who doesn’t think I am totally full of shit should take one look at my Twitter feed. After today – what was essentially a confirmation that, even with all the praying and bullshit “blessed” hashtags, there is no fucking God – I should be tweeting fucking “blessed” hashtags and pictures of Coco chewing on her crucifix-shaped doggie toy and talking to everyone about how right now, in the sand, there’s only one set of footprints and that’s God carrying me. I should be tweeting all that shit. What am I tweeting? Fucking crickets. Not even Haribo tweets. There is no god. I hate my life.”

Toto Wolff, Mercedes team executive director
“It was a day of light and shadow for us. Nico did a perfect job this afternoon: a great start and a really controlled drive all the way to the final lap. He delivered the car’s performance how he needed to, when he needed to, and took a very composed and deserved victory. On the other side, we were disappointed to lose Lewis so early after a misfiring cylinder forced him to retire. He had done everything right this weekend until that point and it was a situation beyond his control. We know that reliability will be crucial to this long season and we will be working hard to improve the situation for the race in Malaysia. Finally, this victory has a very special meaning for us, too. I would like to dedicate it to Michael, who has been in all our thoughts this weekend. He will keep fighting, as only he knows how, and we are sending all our strength to him today.”

Wolff – “Whoops! We gave Hammy Webber’s old car!”

Sauber
Adrian Sutil, 12th

“It was an exciting race, and especially the start, but luckily I went through without any incidents. We had a few issues with the powertrain during the first stint, but after the pit stop that improved. Nevertheless this cost us a lot of time that we couldn’t recover. I was on a two-stop strategy, but we switched to a one stop because of the safety car. This could have worked well, but the safety car phase didn’t help us. In addition we were simply too slow, but we managed to finish the race, which was our goal. We came close to the points, but we need to improve our speed. There is a lot of data now to analyse and we can only improve. I hope that we will progress quickly.”

SUT – “Wait, I thought I left Force India. Fuck.”

Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“It was a different kind of racing today, but definitely something we take as a reference. In general we are missing speed and it’s a challenge to be able to compete at the front like this. As a team, we need to make sure we put everything together because the lack of speed we have on the straight is quite significant. However, we can be very happy that we both finished the race today. This means a step forward for the team and its reliability.”

GUT – “Can we go back to Jerez and do some more pre-season stuff where we kinda rocked it?”

Force India
Nico Hulkenberg, 7th

“Seventh place is a positive way to start the season. I was very happy to see the chequered flag – the first time I’ve done so in Melbourne – and it’s important to score some good points early on. I made a strong start and enjoyed good track position for the first two stints when I was running up in fourth. The only real issue I had was some front left graining on the soft tyres, which never really cleared up and that compromised my first two stints. It was a shame to lose two positions at my second stop [to Button and Alonso] but it looks like some of the cars around us have a bit more pace at the moment. I want to thank the team for the amazing job they’ve done over the winter and this weekend to get us to this point. It’s been a great effort and it’s nice to reward everyone with some points at the first race.”

HUL – “I’m here! I might be kinda fast! Get used to it!”

Sergio Perez, 11th
“I’m satisfied to finish the race, but disappointed not to score points. My race became very difficult on lap one when I got hit by the Sauber of Gutierrez at turn three. It gave me a puncture and I had to return to the pits very slowly, which dropped me to the back of the pack. After that I just tried to keep a consistent pace on the medium tyres and I was quite fortunate that the safety car came out, which helped me recover some positions. Points were close, but my progress was hurt by being stuck behind the Sauber of Adrian for such a long time. It’s positive to finish the race because it gives the team lots of information and hopefully that will make us stronger for Malaysia.”

PER – “Oh, sure, the fuckers at McLaren fire the Mexican and then spend the off-season developing a car that can actually go, uh, like, fast? I spent all of last season drinking away the the pain of driving my Estrella de Oro pontoon boat of a car and now Jensen backdoors it into third with an actual, fast car?! What the FUCK, people?! Anyway, mad props to Force India for putting me in a car that is exactly as fast as the fabled fucking McLaren I had last year. Now, where did I put my michelada?”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 9th

“This is obviously a good result, even though the car was very difficult to drive. We had problems with the brakes which made us lose a lot of time but at the end we are all satisfied to finish the race with two cars in the points. I’m very pleased with the overall three points especially for the team, more than for myself. After a long difficult time and so much hard work this winter, this is a great relief for all the guys in the garage and it’s nice for us drivers to be able to give them something back. It looks like things are turning well and hopefully it will always be better from now on. As for my mistake in the last corner, I was trying to defend myself from Mercedes, looking for the best line to get a good exit, but I went on the grass and I was lucky enough not to spin the car. It’s really a shame but it’s just the first race and I’m sure we will have plenty of opportunities to score more points. Overall, it’s a good result today.”

VER – “Holt shit! We finished! The Renault made it to the finish! Did anyone expect that, really? I didn’t. Shit, I figured I’d be hanging my balls in the pool with the VetBot2000 after a few laps. But, hey: points! That’s more than the VetBot2000 got or, heh, even Daniel. Heh.”

Daniil Kvyat, 10th
“It was a very intense afternoon and finishing my first race with a point is a great feeling. It was a fantastic first Grand Prix weekend with the team, everyone worked really hard and scoring points was a great way to end it. So well done to everyone! The start was a bit messy, but after that I managed to get into a rhythm and the car seemed competitive compared to those around us. It was close at the end with Jev, but I had to save fuel towards the end, so I was not going to attack him. I never expected to score a point in my first race, so it feels amazing. It’s a real boost for us and now we have to keep on working hard and if we keep on the way we are going, then we can look forward to a really positive season.”

KVY – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the back, whacking off to a giant pile of crude-soaked rubles.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, DNF

“In a way, it was a pretty positive day. I expected to do around 15 to 20 laps in the race after all the issues we’ve had this weekend, and we managed 45! We’ve learnt a lot today and all the changes made to the car have been positive. We still have a long way to go, but at least I know more about tyre usage, all my engineers know where we need to improve with the chassis, and we’ve learnt a lot about aero balance and fuel consumption. Of course there’s more to do with the energy management and recovery and some work yet with the braking. We’ve still got lots of work to do, but we’re definitely heading in the right direction.”

GRO – “In a way, it was a positive day. . . .If you ignore the fact that the car sucks, that I’m teammates with Pastor Fucking Maldonado, that Boullier has left me behind, that I’m French. . . . Oh, fuck, this wasn’t a positive day at all. Not at all. No, seriously, am I in some F1-themed Camus novel? Hah-ha. Ok, this shit ain’t funny.”

Pastor Maldonado, DNF
“It was obviously very disappointing, but if you look at the positives we did more laps than in the pre-season which is quite encouraging as we have more data which is very important for making progress. We had a very negative free practice but we did plenty of laps during the race which is very positive for the team. I’m looking forward to the next race and we’ll keep pushing.”

MAL – “Bright side: I didn’t hit anybody!”

Federico Gastaldi, Lotus deputy team principal
“Though the results do not show it, everyone in the team has done a fantastic job in very challenging circumstances. Both our cars finished with problems related to the same MGU-K component so we and Renault F1 Sport both know where we have to focus for our improvements heading to Malaysia. It’s clear we also have other improvements to make, but the team spirit and resolve has not diminished. We know what we have to do and we will do it.”

Alan Permane, Lotus trackside operations director
“In simple terms, we’ve finished a disappointing weekend with a disappointing race, with neither car finishing. However the 45 laps completed by Romain’s car is the longest run completed by the E22 and while we accept we’re way behind, we’re working hard to catch up. It’s not the way we want to go racing. We need to make a big leap forward in Malaysia and we’re working every hour to ensure we make this leap. I’m very sure and very confident that we’ll see a big improvement in two weeks’ time.”

Julien Barbieux, Renault Sport F1 team support leader
“After such a difficult built up to the race it was some sort of plus to get two cars to just under half distance, but shows we are still not at the level we want. We have struggled all weekend to find the right balance between reliability and performance, but we seemed to turn a corner today and Pastor and Romain were both on the pace of the top 10. Unfortunately both drivers suffered from a malfunctioning MGU-K and were forced to retire. We’ve learnt a huge amount from the running as it was the first time we have completed a longer run on both cars. We have improved operationally and there will be a huge combined effort from Viry and Enstone to improve on this performance in Malaysia and get closer to the full potential of the car.”

Barbieux, Permane, Gastaldi – “Does anybody have an extra can of turd polish around? We’ve already burned through ours. Maybe McLaren has some left from last year. Fuck.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 14th

“Today’s race was by no means perfect but we have started the season with a two-car finish, and on my side a 14th place as well, so we have to be pleased with that. The start was obviously extremely concerning. I was on the grid preparing for the formation lap with the usual procedures and suddenly everything just cut out. At that point I was worried that my race was already over, but the team did a fantastic job to push me off the grid and back to the garage where they reset the car and I was able to start the race from the pit lane. From that point on I knew we had an important job to do to get the car home, but at the same time do the hard work to we needed to be able to evaluate the car over a race distance. It was quite pleasing to be able to catch Ericsson in the process. We’ve learned an awful lot today that will stand us in good stead as we prepare for the next race in Malaysia and also to start developing the car for the longer term. After a tough time in testing when we did not achieve all the mileage we had hoped for, it’s good to take home a 14th place finish from the first race of the season. It’s a nice reward for all the hard work across the whole team.”

CHI – “14TH! FINISHED! AGAIN! YOU GUYS! HOW ARE NOT LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF THIS!? I PASSED SOME DUDES! SURE, SURE: HIS CAR WAS NOT REALLY RUNNING WHEN I PASSED HIM. . . BUT, HEY, A PASS IS A PASS, RIGHT? WOO-HOOOOO! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!”

Jules Bianchi, NC
“The problem at the start was really quite worrying and I did not expect to be able to race, but the team got me to the garage and fought hard to get me back on track. I was six laps down when I did rejoin and of course I was never going to recover from that, but that was not the point. Being in the race – and finishing it – enabled us to gather the maximum amount of information and test various strategies for maximising the power unit. In many ways it was more like a test than a race for me, which was far from ideal, but as is the case in testing, the mileage was important and this will be crucial for the engineers to start moving us forward. Hopefully I will be able to benefit from this next time around. I am pleased that we have some reward for all the hard work and we look forward to better things in Malaysia.”

BIA – “Mr. Consistency over there finished another fucking race and I get to do some test laps in Australia. If I have to look at that big smile and that goddamned spikey, happy hair again, I’m going slap his lucky bagpipes over his ‘heed’ and play that shit until he bleeds haggis out his ass.”

Caterham

Kamui Kobayashi, DNF
“That isn’t how I wanted my first race back to go, and I’m sorry for the team and for Felipe (Massa) that both our races ended early. I had a really good start but then into turn one I made contact with Felipe. From the initial data it looked like I had a brake system issue which obviously meant I couldn’t do much about the contact and when we got the car back and looked at the information in much more detail it was clear that was the problem. After the race I went to the stewards and they went through the data from the car and confirmed this was the case. We’ll have a close look at what caused that problem and make sure we fix it.

“It’s been a tough weekend for us, but we still have a lot more data that will help us keep improving, and the really positive thing is that we were still quite competitive, even with the issues we had on Friday. Race two is Malaysia, one of our team’s home races, and we’ll keep pushing there, just as we will all weekend.”

KOB – “Man, I hope that Felipe understands that I was merely the vehicle for God’s hatred of him.”

Marcus Ericsson, DNF
“Even though my first race in F1 ended with a DNF I’m still proud of the way we fought today. It’s been a very difficult weekend overall, one of the hardest in my whole career, but we still showed a bit of the potential we have in the first laps of the first stint when I passed Sutil and was running well in twelfth. My first ever live pit stop a Grand Prix went really well but then unfortunately an oil pressure problem forced us to stop – we don’t know what caused that yet but if we hadn’t had that I think we’d have finished ahead of the Marussias as I was pretty comfortable ahead of Chilton until the issue.

“Friday was tough, obviously, but we had a better Saturday and then today we started to show some of the race pace this car has. For the last few laps of the first stint I was driving with pretty flat spotted tyres but the rear was still behaving well and the Power Unit felt good. That’s encouraging for the next race in Malaysia which is on a track I’ve raced at before and one I like, so I’m leaving Australia in a positive frame of mind and just want to get on with it again as soon as possible!”

ERI – “Fucking Chilton fucking ‘Woooo-hooooooooo’ing’ as he passed me. Is it going to be like this all fucking season?”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 6th 

“The car performed very well today which is looking encouraging for the season ahead, and on the whole as a team we can be pleased that we have made a good step forward from last season. I’m a little disappointed with myself because I was pushing a bit too hard and hit the wall which caused a puncture and put me back a long way. I spent the rest of the race trying to make up for that mistake and managed to make some good overtakes, but I need to learn from this and make sure it doesn’t happen again. It felt great to be able to race hard with people around me and I want to say a big thank you to the race team and everyone back at Grove and Brixworth who have done a great job with this car. We should have finished higher today than we did with the pace we had and I’m looking forward to seeing what we can do in Malaysia.”

BOT – Oh my god! I hadn’t realized how much of my energy was being spent, helping Pastor with his math and reading questions! Freed from that responsibility, I’m like a singing bird; a blossom in the Finnish Spring! In fact, when I hit that wall, I was humming a little tune to myself, so much was joy filling my heart. Now I just have to get used to Felipe, shouting all the time at the sky, ‘WHY, GOD, WHHHY?’ and everything should be fine. Anything’s better than Pastor, walking around, asking everybody about the lyrics to ‘Sabotage’.”

Felipe Massa, DNF
“I’m obviously very disappointed as I had the sort of car capable of challenging for a podium today, but the incident in the first corner ruined my race. I tried to have a calm start and not take any risks, but was hit from behind after Kobayashi braked too late and there was nothing I could do to avoid being taken out of the race. It’s a shame but there are a lot of positive things that the team can take from this weekend in terms of pace and reliability, so I’m just thinking about the next race and having a strong result there.”

MAS – “Everybody sees Charlie Brown as a metaphor. Fuck. The only thing I’m missing is a goddamned smartassed Beagle and a best friend who carries a blanket around all the time. Funnily enough, my shrink’s name is Lucy. I think I will go cry to her now and await more of God’s malice in Malaysia.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 5th

“I’d have liked to start the season with a podium, but getting both cars to the flag is a good result, which can give us confidence, especially on the reliability front. I had some problems with the electric motor at the start and had to make a few changes from the steering wheel, but after the first ten laps everything went well. When I managed to pass Hulkenberg after the pit stop my pace was definitely better, although it was impossible to overtake. 35 seconds down on the leader is too big a gap and to work out what we need to do to close that gap, we will need to analyse the race, work out what are the strong and weak points on the car and with that in mind, the laps I did behind Nico can provide very useful information. We are a great team and I have total faith in our guys, because they did a great job today. We still have lots to learn about this new Formula One, as the race was very strange and very difficult. But it’s only the start. We must concentrate on doing better in Malaysia.”

ALO – “If anybody needs me, I’ll be over here, completely content with coming in second or third or fifth to those fuckers at Mercedes, ’cause we’re fucked as far as that goes. Just gimme my Ferrari chair and Sasha blowing me while I take big swigs off a bottle of that vodka Kimi’s been leaving around the garage and I’ll beeee juuuuuusssst fiiine.”

Kimi Raikkonen, 8th
“That wasn’t a straightforward race. At the start, I managed to get away well and even though I was hit from behind by another car at the first corner, my car was undamaged. The speed was good, but at one point I was suffering with graining on the front tyres, I had very little grip and a lot of understeer. From then on, the car’s handling was not the same. When it was time for the first stop, we had to do a double stop and that cost me a place. It’s definitely too early to make any definite judgement, because even if at the moment we don’t seem to be in great shape, we still managed to finish the race, scoring valuable points. We can’t be pleased with this result and we know there are many areas where we need to improve. But I’m sure that analysing the data from this first race will give us a clearer idea of the direction to work in.”

RAI – “In theory, this shit should be easy, but when these fuckers can’t give me a properly balanced car while I blurt out random grunts and orders through a Vodka fog, it’s like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Red car, black car: just get behind the wheel and fuck off, thank you very much. Heh, at least I got out of Lotus when I did. Damn, you couldn’t pay me to . . . Oh, wait: THEY DIDN’T FUCKING PAY ME. Ha-ha, bitches!”

Stefano Domenicali, Ferrari team principal
“The first race of the championship has provided a clear picture of the hierarchy at the start of season. It’s also shown which teams appear to have done the best job of dealing with these new regulations. Today, we achieved our objective in terms of reliability, but the gap we need to make up, especially to Mercedes, was clear to see. The information we have gathered this weekend clearly points to the direction we must take and what areas need the most work. It will be important to catch up as quickly as possible and react in the way this team has always proved capable of doing. Our engineers know what the priorities are and which areas need the most immediate attention.”

Domenicali – “Remember how, last season, we were all ‘Fucking Red Bull this and fucking Red Bull’ that? Well, just take all those quotes, switch in ‘Mercedes’ for ‘Red Bull’ and fuck off.”

Pat Fry, Ferrari chassis director
“Going into this race, getting both cars to the finish seemed like the most difficult task, but in the end, we managed it. Today we saw how reliability can never be taken for granted: it caught some people out and it also affected our performance at some stages of the race. On both the F14 Ts, we had some electrical problems, especially on Kimi’s car, which meant he couldn’t use all the car’s potential. Fernando found himself behind Hulkenberg for many laps and he was only able to show what the car was capable of once he got ahead thanks to a spot on pit stop strategy. Kimi got a great start, but then for much of the race he suffered with graining on the front tyres and thus found himself having to defend, without being able to attack. There is much work ahead if we are to improve the car’s performance. We are up against several very strong opponents, but we have all the right tools to get the job done of closing the gap between us.”

Fry – “Augh! Kimi! Don’t sic the Ice Dragons on us! We’ll make the car better! We promise!”

McLaren
Kevin Magnussen, 3rd

“It’s just fantastic to be on the podium! What happened today just feels surreal. Being on the podium in the first race of my Formula 1 career – it’s amazing. My ‘moment’ at the start was quite scary – I got on the power a bit too quickly, and nearly lost it. But the car was fantastic today – I was always able to place it exactly where I wanted, and I had the pace to fight the Red Bull. I had a bit of a go at Daniel towards the ends of the race, but didn’t quite have the speed to get past. I want to say a big congratulations to the team for doing such a good job over the winter and for working so hard to prepare me for this – it’s just crazy! Where do we go from here? Well, we need to continue improving. And I’m sure we will. I’ll try to learn as much as I can, and to carry this experience forward to Malaysia. It’s a completely different circuit, so there’s no guarantee we’ll have the sort of speed we showed here today, but I’m sure the team will keep pushing as hard as they’ve done already this year. I’m very happy, and I’m sure the guys are happy to be leading the constructors’ world championship, as indeed I am too. That’s a big boost, and the guys completely deserve it. Me? I’ll just keep pushing as hard as I can.”

MAG – “HOLY SHIT! I AM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!!!! THIS IS NUTS! WHERE’S MAX? HE WAS GOING TO SHOW ME HOW TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES SO JOYOUSLY!!!” 

Jenson Button, 4th
“It was a great drive by Kevin today – I had a lot of fun chasing him and Daniel down at the end of the race, but my tyres were several laps older than theirs, so it was always going to be tricky. Still, I had a good race – the car’s balance wasn’t quite right when I was in traffic – I struggled with understeer when I was behind people – but the car worked very well in clear air. For some reason, it seems to be more difficult to overtake now than it used to be, so we had to do it during the pit stops. During my second stop, we damaged the nose – which made it a bit cooler in the cockpit! – but the guys did a great job of putting me in the right place at the right time. When the Safety Car came out, I quickly dived into the pit lane at the last second – which gained me a couple of places. And then the second stop gained me a couple more. They were both great calls. As a team, I think we can be very proud of the job we did today. I don’t think we expected to be leading the constructors’ world championship at the end of this weekend, but I think the pace in the car is generally there: in clear air, we seem capable of fighting every team except one. I’m really looking forward to getting back in the car in Malaysia. It’s been an emotional day for me, but it’s been great to have my sister, my fiancée and lots of friends around me, so that definitely helped.”

BUT – “Yep, and I’m hot. Really hot.”

Eric Boullier, McLaren racing director
“To be in first place in the constructors’ world championship is a very nice feeling, but let’s not forget that today’s race was only the first of 19, and I’ll be a lot happier if we’re still in first place in the constructors’ world championship after the 19th race! Having said that, I’m not making any predictions, and it’s clear that we’ve got a lot of work to do in order to close the performance gap between our car and the fastest car. Kevin scored 18 of the 33 constructors’ world championship points we racked up today, Jenson 15, and both guys drove superbly. Indeed, Kevin’s drive was one of the finest performances by a Formula 1 rookie in living memory. Despite his youth and inexperience, he drove like a man who’d notched up 100 grands prix already. It was a complex and challenging race, yet he managed those complexities and challenges faultlessly. Jenson recovered skilfully from his disappointing qualifying result, which was the result of his not being able to put in a final quick lap owing to inopportune yellow flags, and drove the sort of measured yet combative race that he’s become famous for. Finally, I want to give a huge amount of credit to the guys, not only here in Melbourne but also in Woking and Brixworth, who have done such sterling work to deliver such a solid and reliable car for Kevin and Jenson to race here today. Our next stop is Malaysia, which will be hot and hard. But we’re ready for the challenge.”

Boullier – “Well, I don’t know. Kimi won’t talk to anybody and there are Vodka bottles every where and Romain is just nuts and we’re out of money so, fuck, I don’t kno . . . . . . What? What’s that? I don’t work at Lotus anymore? I work at McLaren?! What? And McLaren doesn’t suck this year? OhhhhhHHhhhh. Sorry: I just came in my pants.”

2014 Australian Grand Prix GIF Review

Kevin Magnussen

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, Paco Rodriguez

Daniel Ricciardo

Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, Jonah Hill, 21 Jump Street
Reaction GIF: fuck yeah, Rob Ryan
then
Reaction GIF: angry, John Cleese, Monty Python

Reaction GIF: oh my god, scream, angry, Tom Hiddleston, The Deep Blue Sea

Reaction GIF: no, crying, sad, Nestor Carbonell, Richard Alpert, Lost

Daniil Kyvat

Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Carl, Up

Kamui Kobayashi
Reaction GIF: despair, Wendell Pierce, Sonja Sohn, Bunk Moreland, Kima Greggs, The Wire
Felipe Massa
Reaction GIF: bullshit, Lance Reddick, Cedric Daniels, The Wire
Kimi Raikkonen
Reaction GIF: stare, not funny
Romain Grosjean
Reaction GIF: despair, are you kidding me?, don't know, don't care, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter
Pastor Maldonado
Reaction GIF: what?, stare, Rainn Wilson, Dwight Schrute, The Office
Jenson Button
Reaction GIF: whoa, happy, clapping, Ben Affleck
Lewis Hamilton
Reaction GIF: laugh, are you kidding me?, Michael Jordan
Fernando Alonso
Reaction GIF: don't know, Misha Collins
Nico Rosberg
Reaction GIF: Bill Murray, Lost in Translation
Reaction GIF: approval, smile, Clint Eastwood, For a Few Dollars More
Sebastian Vettel
Reaction GIF: disgust, eating, Nick Offerman, Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
Nico Hulkenberg
Reaction GIF: wink, Nicolas Cage, Con Air
Jean Eric Vergne
Reaction GIF: smile, clapping, Patrick Kilpatrick, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins
Valtteri Bottas
Reaction GIF: disappointed, Donovan McNabb
Jules Bianchi
Reaction GIF: right, not impressed, John Krasinski
Marcus Ericsson
Reaction GIF: right, okay, Matthew Gray Gubler
Sergio Perez
Reaction GIF: wow, not impressed, Aubrey Plaza, Safety Not Guaranteed
Adrian Sutil
Reaction GIF: clapping, Charles Dance, The Golden Child
Esteban Gutierrez
Reaction GIF: not bad, nod, José Mourinho
Max Chilton
Reaction GIF: thumbs up, Jesse Spencer, House

2013 US Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

Am I pissed about that stupid, fake Mexican flag? Not really. Why not? ‘Cause the team gave me some hilarious, counterfeit Homer Simpson and Bart Simpson t-shirts they got at the same store. Good-bye presents, I guess.

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“It’s the day after, normally on the Monday, when you feel what you have achieved. It’s a great feeling, you have a grin on your face and it’s nice. On Sunday things happen fast and you don’t always realise what has been achieved until later. It’s down to team effort today. Everyone is willing to push; this morning the guys were working hard as we had some concerns about reliability on the car, so they were flat out trying to fix the problem and the car ran okay all race, so a big thanks to them. I’m not sure what we have done since the summer break in order that we have been winning races, but whatever it was it has worked. When you are a sports man, not every day is supposed to be a good day and you have ups and downs. Certainly you feel the points when you are low, they hurt more than when you are on a high, of course you enjoy those times, but I kept saying that there’s no guarantee for the next race or the one after that or after that! You never know what is coming next, so you have to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.”

VET – “You can take the VET-Bot 2000 out of Germany but you can’t take the ‘German’ out of the VET-Bot 2000.”

Mark Webber, 3rd
“The initial launch and my getaway was pretty good. Romain had a good start too, I wanted to get on the right for the breaking point at the first corner, but that’s what everyone did too. I got boxed in and didn’t get a good exit off the corner, but after that it was a strong race. Our pace was good, but you have to manage the tyres well here. Qualifying was where a lot of the race was decided. In the end I did what we could, but I think we left some on the table yesterday. I have some family and friends here this weekend, so it’s good to get a strong result. It would have been better to have had a win, but Seb did a good job here this weekend.”

WEB – “I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, I should be happy the fucking car didn’t catch on fire.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 2nd

“That was a really tough race. I had to have probably one of my best ever drives to keep Mark [Webber] behind and it’s a great feeling to have tamed at least one of the Bulls in Texas as they clearly had the fastest package today. We knew a good start would be the key, so making up one place in the first corner was really important and the car was just fantastic from there onwards. The whole team here and at Enstone are doing an amazing job. Every day I see them working hard together to keep us at the front and when you look at the gap to the next nearest challenger, it’s clear that we’re the second best team after Red Bull right now. I think this place must bring me luck; this time last year I found out my wife was pregnant and now I’ve equalled my best finish in Formula One, so I can’t wait to come back again and see what happens next year!”

GRO – “Nothing like starting a race behind Webbo to give a guy a confidence boost! As long as I can always make P3 or so in quali and then wait for Mark to bogart the start, I’ll be set for next seas. . . .Huh? What’s that? Mark’s retiring after this season?! Fuck.”


Heikki Kovalainen, 14th
“My start wasn’t great but then it was going okay until the first pit stop as I was racing with the pack with the car feeling quite good. After the pit stop I started to have a few problems, but it was difficult to know exactly what was going on. We had issues with downforce so we changed the front wing and after that it was much better, although still not as good as it’s felt previously this weekend. There was a KERS issue too, though not enough to account for my lack of race pace. We’ll have a good look at the data and hopefully be on top of things far better for the race in Brazil.”

KOV – “There I was, just a small town boy, born and raised in south Detroit. I took the midnight train going annnnnnyyyywheerrrre! Driver in a smokey room, smell of wine and cheap perfume, I took the midnight train going annnnnnyywhhhereeee! I just want to thank Nico ‘The Hulk’ Hulkenberg, Michael ‘The Maestro’ Schumacher, Pastor ‘The Little Bitch’ Maldonado, Davide ‘The Fuck?!’ Valsecchi, my postman and that guy who just happened to be walking by the Lotus garage. . . I need to thank them all for turning down the chance to drive for Lotus these last two races. I’m going to take the E21 through the drive thru of the McDonald’s I worked at this last year just as a nice ‘Fuck you!’ to my manager, Gary, who’s been up my ass since I started there. No, Gary, I can’t do anything about my accent!!!”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 4th

“That felt good out there this afternoon and I’m really happy with fourth place. It was so nice to have a race where I could fight for position and make progress. The car felt much better today than recently so the change in chassis has definitely made a difference and a big thanks to my guys in the garage for their efforts there. I had a great start today and that was crucial to my race. We had to give up third place to Mark fairly easily to make sure our tyre management and strategy worked as it was more important for the team to finish ahead of Ferrari. There was no way I was letting Fernando past at the end; I was ready for him to make his move and had a couple of tenths ready to pull out if he did! We’ve had a few difficult races on my side of the garage and I’m so proud of the team for all the hard work they have put in. We’re all determined to maintain our second place at the final race in Brazil next weekend.”

HAM – “Seriously, I’ve got more personalities than Sybil. It’s just too bad that the majority of them are variations of the same asshole.”

Nico Rosberg, 9th
“I didn’t have a great weekend here in Austin unfortunately. It really started yesterday in qualifying where I struggled with getting temperature into the tyres and starting from 12th place makes your race really difficult, especially in a one stop race. I made some nice overtaking moves but we weren’t able to do much with the strategy today because of the single stop so it’s disappointing to only have finished ninth as our car was quicker than that today. Overall though, as a team we managed to increase the gap to Ferrari and that’s a good result. After such a tough weekend, I’d love to be back in the car in Brazil tomorrow and not wait another seven days! We’ll be pushing really hard there to end the season on a high.”

ROS – “Well, you can’t come in ahead of Hammy every weekend, I guess. I miss you, penis angels! 

Ross Brawn, Mercedes team principal
“That was a pretty good race this afternoon with the car we had today. It was very definitely a managed race rather than one where the drivers could push flat out. Lewis made a fantastic start but it then became clear that trying to hold Webber behind would not help us in our quest to run a one stop strategy, which was essential. The car was not bad and both drivers had a pretty good balance, given the extreme difference in conditions to yesterday. Both Lewis and Nico did a perfect job managing the tyres in the race and their sets of primes were close to the end of their life when they crossed the line, which is exactly as it should be. They put in very, very controlled drives today which allowed us to consolidate our second position in the Constructors’ Championship. Now it’s time to head for Sao Paulo to finish the job.”

Brawn – “Not too much longer and I will no longer have to tolerate whichever of Hammy’s asshole personalities shows up. Nor will have have to listen to him blather on about Roscoe and the other one. I might have to borrow Nico’s penis angels just to celebrate after Brazil.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 5th

“Finishing in the top five today is a very positive result when you consider how difficult this weekend has been and the fact I had to start from the dirty side of the track. We were well aware it would be very difficult to maintain position and in fact I lost it to Perez. In the first part of the race, we weren’t quick and we decided to save the tyres and then attack round the pit stop. We were more competitive on the hards, we passed Perez and set off to get Hulkenberg, but even if our situation compared to Mercedes has improved, we were unable to beat them. I am very proud of this second place in the drivers’ Championship, it’s a small reward for me, the same as being first of the “mortals” behind Red Bull. My back is okay, as I did a good warm-up before the race and it didn’t bother me. I feel more tired from all the tension of the race, but now I have three days to rest and arrive in Brazil feeling a hundred percent. We really must improve there, because our goal is still to finish second in the constructor’s championship”

ALO – “Let’s just think about the fact that I ran this race with a bad back, a g-force induced concussion, in a 2013 Ferrari, and a bad case of blue balls since they were all, ”Nando! No sexy time with Sasha! Save your for back for COTA!’. Think about that! Then, I finally get close to Hammy. I nearly have him and I start slipping all over the track. It wasn’t clag, it wasn’t the tires. It was Hammy spilling his prescription for his Schizophrenia all over the track. The fucking dumbass was trying to pop that shit though visor.”

Felipe Massa, 12th
“It’s been a really difficult weekend and I was struggling right from Friday, unable to get the tyres up to temperature or to run at a good pace. At the start, I didn’t make up any places and then for all the race I was stuck in traffic, on a track where overtaking is not that easy. We knew that making a second stop was not the best choice, but I already found myself in a difficult situation and so we decided to risk stopping for a set of medium tyres: if anything had happened ahead of us, maybe a safety car, we might have profited from the situation. Unfortunately, nothing happened and the tyre wear of those ahead of me was very low, so I was behind them ending up in the same position from which I started. It’s a real shame because we could have done better. Now we must keep concentrated for the final round of the season in Brazil, my final race with Ferrari on my home track: it’s bound to be a very emotional weekend because of that. I hope I can be more competitive there and even if our rivals are very quick, we will do our best right to the very end.”

MAS – “I’m running out of ways to talk around the word ‘ignominy’. At least things won’t be so fucked up at Williams. . . .Wait. . . I’m driving for Williams next season?! Fuck.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 6th

“It was a very solid result yet again. If I’m not mistaken, since Monza that would have been the eighth points finish in a row if it wasn’t for the brake disc failure in India and the drive through in Abu Dhabi. That’s a pretty impressive statistic. It was an interesting race. I didn’t have to fight that much, only at the end with Fernando (Alonso), which was good fun. Unfortunately in the crucial part of the race, about 10 to 15 laps before the end, we didn’t quite have the pace of Fernando, so he was able to overtake me. During the last lap going into turn one I passed him, but then I just missed the apex and he was able to get me back at the exit. But we finished just a couple of seconds behind our competitors. I think it’s been a good weekend with a gain of a good eight points.”

HUL – “Hello! Hellllllooooo! Solid results! impressive statistics! Good gains! I didn’t even have to fight that much! I make this shit look easy! WHY ARE YOU ALL NOT LINING UP TO SIGN MY HOT, FAST ASS???!!!”

Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“It was a very tough race starting from P20. We had to make up a lot of positions on track. I managed a good first lap. I made up a couple of positions and then, once the safety car was deployed, we decided to pit in order to put me on a different strategy to the other cars. We need to analyse the situation now and see how much we gained from that. I think all in all the problem came from the ten place grid penalty, which made it complicated at the end.”

GUT – “Seriously, can someone please sign HUL?! I am so fucking sick of him asking if the pants he’s wearing make his ass look big!”

McLaren
Sergio Perez, 7th

“To be honest, I was expecting to achieve a little bit more than seventh today. On the opening lap, I managed to push past Fernando [Alonso], and the car initially felt pretty strong. After that, however, between about lap 10 and lap 15, the tyre degradation started to kick in, and we struggled relative to the others around us. They seemed to be coping with the degradation a little bit better than we were. But, more importantly, I want to say a big ‘thank you’ to all my Mexican and American fans for the support they’ve shown me all weekend. They came here to watch me perform, and, while I would love with all my heart to have given them a better result than seventh, it was still amazing to have their support throughout what has been a difficult but very special weekend.”

PER – “I don’t know if there are any words to describe the conflicted emotions I have this weekend. Sure, I’m pissed about being fired. On the other hand, thank god I’m getting the hell out this fuck-show. Ya la cargaron, you fucking McLaren fuckwads. Good luck with your fucking pontoon boat. You should’ve taken me up on that offer to bring in the Estrella de Oro bus. At least that thing had a TV and a VCR for watching old Luche Libre tapes. Your F1 car ain’t got mierda on that.”

Jenson Button, 10th
“Even though I was only battling for a single world championship point, I still wanted to do the best job I could this afternoon. As in all the past few races, I made contact with another car on the first lap – and that contact broke my left-hand front-wing endplate. It wasn’t quite as bad as in Abu Dhabi, but it still left me with quite a lot of understeer. We considered changing the nose-box at the pit stop, but, instead, the mechanics added some extra front wing, and that helped to re-balance the car. It still wasn’t ideal, because losing downforce at the front doesn’t affect only the front-end, it affects air-flow across the whole car as well. Still, I enjoyed the race. The first 30 laps, during which I was stuck behind Felipe [Massa], were particularly tough, but I was able to make some good moves at the end, and that made our day a bit more interesting. Now, I’m hoping for a trouble-free, exciting and prosperous final Grand Prix of the season in Brazil next weekend.”

BUT – “I wish I was leaving, like Checo, and also not British so I could be impolite, too.”

Martin Whitmarsh, McLaren team principal
“Both Checo and Jenson drove very well in trying circumstances here this afternoon, hampered in their efforts to make significant forward progress by a pit stop strategy that didn’t quite work out for either of them and a circuit whose layout always makes overtaking extremely difficult. We opted to put both our drivers on early one stop strategies, in an attempt to allow them to ‘under-cut’ their nearest rivals, but, as I say, as things turned out we failed to gain any advantage by doing that. That being the case, Checo drove a solid and controlled race to come home seventh, which was in fact the position from which he’d started the race, further underlining how difficult it was to overtake here today. Jenson started from P15, owing to a troubled qualifying yesterday, but thereafter drove an excellent race, skillfully nursing a car whose left hand front wing endplate had been significantly damaged in a lap one contact with another car. Despite the understeer handicap that that damage had caused, however, Jenson was able to record some impressive lap times – and, driving with measured aggression all the while, climbed the leader board to 10th place at the finish, expertly controlling his tyre wear, and taking a very hard-earned world championship point by pulling off a slick yet spectacular passing manoeuvre on Daniel [Ricciardo] on the race’s penultimate lap. That move marked a fitting end to a frustrating weekend for Jenson, but I hope he’ll take some comfort from the knowledge that today he equalled our old friend David’s [Coulthard] all-time record of 246 Grand Prix starts by a British driver. He’ll establish a new benchmark of 247 Grand Prix starts by a British driver next weekend in Brazil. Talking of Brazil, which will be the final Grand Prix of a gruelling 19 race schedule, we’ll now make our way to Sao Paulo as determined as ever to do our utmost to score as many world championship points as we possibly can and thereby consolidate our fifth place position in the constructors’ world championship. No, finishing fifth isn’t what McLaren is all about, but I want to say a big ‘thank you’ to our mechanics in particular, who have worked very hard and extremely diligently to ensure that our reliability has been first-rate this season even though our relative competitiveness hasn’t. Last but not least, once again I want to pay tribute to the Circuit of The Americas, and all who sail in her. Undoubtedly, Formula One has now found its spiritual home in the United States, and I think I speak for all at McLaren when I say that we love visiting Austin Texas and are already looking forward to coming back again next year, where we’ll be aiming to compete closer to the front of the field than we did here today.”

Whitmarsh – “I’m just going to keep talking in the hopes that I can talk long enough that everyone forgets about this weekend and this season.”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 8th

“I’m very happy to get my first points in Formula One today. The whole weekend has been good from setting up the car in practice through to the strategy and pitstops in the race. We managed the tyres well today and I had good feedback from my engineers on them throughout. We did have a bit of pressure from Rosberg at the end but I was able to keep pushing and hold the position. I want to say a big thanks to everyone in the team and at the factory as they have all been working so hard and really deserve this result.”

BOT – “So, I got some points and Pastor is leaving so pretty much this is the greatest weekend of, not only my life, but of anyone’s life that ever been lived by anyone ever.”

Pastor Maldonado, 17th
“It was a difficult race for me as the incident with Sutil compromised the strategy. We did manage to get 40 laps out of the prime tyres which was pleasing on a track like this. Overall, we had a difficult weekend and I’m looking forward to a better race in Brazil.”

MAL – “I blame the Stonecutters, the Masons, the members of Skull & Bones, Lee Harvey Oswald, and the aliens who built the Pyramids at Giza. . . .oh, and my team, for everything bad that’s happened to me, ever. THANKS FOR NOTHING, ASSHOLES!”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 11th

“It was a tough end to the day, really tough. It looked as though we were going to hang on to the flag to get the point for tenth place, but then in the last five laps, I lost pretty much all the grip I had and I saw the guys closing in on me. I tried to hold them off but I didn’t have enough left in the tyres to do it. It’s frustrating to get that close but I put up the best fight I could and there was nothing more I could have done today. It was very difficult to overtake in the early stages when the cars were full of fuel and it wasn’t easy to stay with the car in front through the fast corners, so we had to be patient.”

RIC – “I kinda can’t wait ’til this season is over and I can be the new Mark We. . .. . . Oh, god! WHAT HAVE I DONE??!!”

Jean-Eric Vergne, 16th
“The final result was nothing special, but I feel I had a good race. We had planned a two stop, but switched to a single tyre change and for the second part of the race, I was told I had to manage my Options carefully, but I was given the go ahead to push again with 15 laps to go and at that point my race pace was quite good. So I feel we did a good job with the car we had. On the last lap, I tried to pass my team-mate at Turn 1, and it didn’t work and we ran wide, but I think he had used a bit of KERS on the straight so I couldn’t pass him. I used all my KERS on the next straight to try and outbrake him but then Gutierrez clipped my rear wheel at Turn 12 and he tried to pass me and we touched.”

VER – “Blergh.”

Force India
Paul di Resta, 15th

“I made a good start and was in reasonable shape for the first stint. But it soon became clear that we were struggling for pace and not really in the zone with the tyres. We were pushing to do a one stop race, but the tyre wear was a bit higher than expected and I ran out of tyre performance with nine laps to go. It was hard to defend my position so I had to make a second pit stop. It’s a shame because we were quite optimistic before the race and we thought the warmer weather might play into our hands. So it’s a bit disappointing, but we will pick ourselves up and look to end the season with a better result in Brazil next weekend.”

RES – “Double blergh.”

Adrian Sutil, DNF

“It feels like I ran out of luck this weekend. Up until Saturday morning I was looking competitive and was happy with the car, but all of that promise disappeared with the problems we had in qualifying. In the race I made a good start, gained a few positions and was racing ahead of Maldonado on the back straight. For some reason he hit my left rear wheel and I immediately lost control of the car and crashed into the barriers. I don’t really understand why he was so close to me because the track is so wide there. I stayed on my line and there was a lot of space to the right and the left. So it was an early finish and a very disappointing day.”

SUT – “Well, at least I’m not Paul.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 18th

“It’s fair to say that today was the toughest race of the season for me. With just the one pit stop, switching from the medium to the hard tyre, it was a really long race with so much of my focus being given to looking after the tyres. Anyway, the start was good – enough to put me ahead of Van der Garde – and then I’m really happy with the race I drove as we were easily able to keep both Caterhams behind. I have to say a big thanks to the whole team as there has been a great deal of work not only to help us resolve the problems of the weekend, but also to bring new parts to the car and make them work to good effect at this late stage of the season. A really good race for us today and we go into the final race in Brazil next week able to feel more confident.”

BIA – “Just glad to not be at McLaren!”

Max Chilton, 21st
“Heading into this race with the drive through penalty to serve, I was always aware that this would be a tough and lonely race for me. I lost 15 seconds in the pit lane and the reality is that you are simply going to hit the blue flag phase much earlier and pay a hefty price for that in the second half of the race. I’m pleased with the job I did to try to play catch-up and I think my fastest lap reflects that. Unfortunately the other factors defined my race. On the bright side, I’ve finished yet another race – my 18th out of 18 – and the car is performing well versus the Caterhams, so we’ll throw everything we have at the final race next weekend.”

CHI – “THAT WEEKEND WAS NOT THE MOST AWESOME, BUT IT WAS STILL PRETTY AWESOME! ALSO, NOT MCLAREN! WOO-HOOOO!”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 19th

“I didn’t have a good start and was behind Bianchi at the end of the first lap. From there it wasn’t possible to pass him as, even though I had a quicker car round the whole lap, his straight line speed was better than mine and every time I got close my front tyres started graining because the car was understeering a lot so I couldn’t make a move past him stick. Sometimes it’s like this, there’s not much you can do when you’re so evenly matched. Despite how today went, overall it’s been a good week in Austin. The track is good and the atmosphere in Austin and at the circuit is amazing, but obviously for us we need a bit of a crazy race to be in with a chance of reclaiming tenth in the Championship, so now it goes down to the wire in Brazil. We’re ready, we just need to see what happens.”

GAR- “It’s all Bianchi’s fault.”

Charles Pic, 20th
“Off the line I passed Chilton and was right behind Giedo and Bianchi at the end of the first lap. However, the car balance today was the same as it’s been all weekend, just not quite there, which meant I couldn’t push at all. I was keeping up with my team mate for the whole race, up to the drive-through in the last couple of laps, but we just didn’t have the pace today to put in the normal sort of race performance we’ve seen for most of the season. We have the chance to bounce straight back in Brazil, and we’ll work hard over the next few days to understand what we need to do to find a set-up that allows us to get the most out of the package. I had my highest finish of the season in Brazil last year so we’ll aim to sort out the setup issue and be there to take advantage of anything that comes our way.”

PIC – “Love these clag tacos in Texas!”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“The variation in temperature we saw over the course of the weekend was quite remarkable, meaning that the drivers encountered different track conditions in every session. With such a wide spread of asphalt temperatures, you would ideally need more than just the two compounds stipulated in the regulations, but these were highly unusual circumstances and that was obviously not an option! As a result, the teams did not really have a proper read on the wear and degradation rates heading into the race. Nonetheless, most drivers chose a one stop strategy as we expected, helped by the safety car period at the beginning of the Grand Prix, which then led to a race with less strategy and fewer variables than we have been accustomed to recently.”

Hembery – “No, really, you all can go fuck yourselves.”

2013 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

So happy for Nico. So happy. So very, very happy.

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“I think today was incredible; the pace we had was scary at some stages, I felt very, very good on the soft tyres and was able to pull out a good gap in the first couple of laps. I think it’s difficult, being an active member of the team, to put things like today into perspective. When I think of the times we’ve experienced over the last few years, it’s incredible to have a strong group of people together that believes so much in what they do. To be part of that is great and makes me proud. The car was so enjoyable on every single lap. There are not that many races when you are in complete control of the car – so it’s special. I didn’t get the maximum out of myself yesterday, but we made up for it today.”

VET – “Fucking Rocky, making me fucking rein my shit in. It’s bullshit. Why do I need to do those doughnuts at the end of the race? It’s not a celebration! It’s all my pent-up glory!! That’s the price of forcing me to contain my true potential: I’m’a gonna turn this F1 shit into some NASCAR, dick-wagglin’ malarky.”


Mark Webber, 2nd
“Seb was on another planet today and was very, very strong in the first stint. He was super quick and his tyres didn’t wear out, which is a recipe for disaster for the rest of the opposition, me included. Nico had a very good start on both Sebastian and I, but fortunately it wasn’t a long run to the first corner. We got under way from there and I attacked Nico on the first lap, but then we had to look after the tyres, so we waited and then on lap eight or nine we were in trouble with the rears. I made a good move on Nico to get back into position. It would have been good to win, but we got second and I’ll go to Austin and try and do better.”

WEB – “I wonder if I’ll look back on all this and think that, maybe, I should’ve been nicer to Adrian?”

Mercedes
Nico Rosberg, 3rd

“I had a great start to the race and was able to catch Mark off the line. I thought there might be a chance to get Seb but it wasn’t quite possible. I was able to push hard in the first stint on the option tyres but the second stint wasn’t quite as good as the car had a lot of oversteer on the primes and Mark was able to pass me. After the second stop, the set-up worked much better and we were able to set some really good lap times. We didn’t quite manage to take the challenge to the Red Bulls today but we were closer at least to one of them and hopefully we can make it happen in the last two races. As a team, we scored some great points for the Constructors’ Championship this weekend and I’m very happy about that.”

ROS – “Hey-hey, y’all! I’ll tell you one thing: the rosewater wasn’t the only thing poppin’ up on that 3rd place podium, yo! Only a few people know that when my eyes get all squinty and glazed over like that, it only means one thing: Angels. On my dick. Dancing. ‘Til I come. Why? Hammy’s tears, Hammy’s tears. Sigh.” 

Lewis Hamilton, 7th
“That was a tough race this evening for me. My race just didn’t quite come together and I’m not really sure why as I gave it my all out there. I had some problems with grip and, of course, it’s so difficult to overtake here when you are in traffic but we also need to figure out why I’m not getting the maximum performance from the car at the moment. The guys worked so hard this weekend to get my car repaired and ready for the race so it’s frustrating not to have delivered a better performance for them. A massive thank you to everyone for their efforts and it’s great that we have extended our lead for P2 in the Constructors’ Championship. All points count but Nico did a really good job today to maximise the potential of the car. Hopefully the last two races will be stronger for me and I look forward to that challenge.”

HAM – I suppose, really, that this is just God, testing me. Everyone at church who has, like, really crappy things happen to them, that’s how they rationalize it: ‘It was god’s will.’ So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to just keep telling myself it was God’s will that Felipe FUCKING MASSA PASSED ME. AUUUGHH!!! Oh, man. This is harder than I thought. It was God’s will. It was God’s will that MassA PassssSSEDDD MEEE.. . .. . ..AUGHH! You forsaking motherfucker!!!!!!! MASSSAAA???!!! AUGHHGH!!!!! Bless.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 4th

“That was a pretty long race. I got a good start and made up two places in the first few corners, but after that I lost a lot of time behind the Force India. I could overtake him with the DRS, but he had much better top speed and could just drive straight back past at the next straight. That middle stint cost us the chance of a podium in the end, and on pace we could maybe even have pushed Mark [Webber] for second place, but that’s how it goes sometimes. It’s a shame we couldn’t make it four podiums in a row, but to come away with fourth place after a difficult couple of days is a decent result.”

GRO – “Not only are they paying me and not Kimi, but they secretly gave me his car, too.”

Kimi Raikkonen, DNF
“There was some contact in front of me through the first corner so I stuck to the inside, but unfortunately one of the Caterhams touched my front wheel and it broke the track rod. It wasn’t a heavy impact, but the angle made it worse. It’s never easy starting so far back on the grid, but after the penalty it was a better choice to help our chances in the race rather than starting from the pit lane. After a difficult start to the weekend we did well yesterday so it was a shame we couldn’t start where we qualified, but these things happen sometimes; it’s just back luck.”

RAI – “What? Eh? Sorry, I can’t hear your insipid, dumbass questions over the sound of my flip-flops heading towards the door. KIMI OUT!”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 5th
“I am happy to have brought home points for the team in a race that was always going to be tough, on what has been a very difficult weekend for us. Given the gap to the top four, I certainly couldn’t have done more. Starting from further back, we knew we would find ourselves in traffic, therefore having done well at the start, I tried to overtake as much as possible. When we saw that we were always behind another car, it became impossible to think in terms of a single stop and it was clearly better to switch to two and attack. As the Mediums were holding up quite well, we thought we’d use the Softs for a short stint to try and do a series of quick laps. As for what happened with Vergne after the second pit stop, I don’t know what the stewards will say, but the rule states that if you have an equal amount of car to the other one on the track then you can use all the space. But this was only one incident in a race which, for me, was fantastic. Now, if we don’t want to give up our fight in the Constructors’ Championship, we absolutely must do better and finish the last two races on the podium.”

ALO – “You know. . . Shit, I don’t even know what to say. You know that scene in Lord of the Rings where Gandalf is being all badass to the fire demon thing? What is it? The Balrog? Anyway, I’m like Gandalf, you know? I’m a fucking wizard in this car. . . this fucking Hobbit car. And I’m being all bad ass and doing my best and then, at the last moment, right, the goddamn Balrog sucks me down that endless pit into oblivion. So frustrating. ‘Oh, but Gandalf comes back as Gandalf the White and he’s more powerful than ever!’ you say. Yeah, well, take that and second place in the WDC and stick it up your fucking LOTR freakazoid ass!”

Felipe Massa, 8th
“Today I was competitive from start to finish and pulled off a lot of passing moves with a car that handled well. It was a great race. Our strategy was based on a single stop, but when we realised that the pace was too quick for the rear tyres and the wear was greater than expected, we decided to make a second stop so as not to take any risks. Fitting the Mediums rather than the Softs was not the best decision, because the softer compound was quicker by at least a second per lap: I’d managed to do 19 laps on them in the first stint and it would not have been a problem to do the same in the final part of the race.It’s a real shame, because we could have finished at least fifth, but even if this is not the result we deserved, I am still pleased with my performance. Now we head for Texas and Brazil, two tracks that on paper should suit our car better and where I hope I can continue to be competitive.”

MAS – “Yo-ho! Still here! Fuck that Hulkenberg Fever! Get yo’self some hot Massa action for your team! Cheap!”

Force India
Paul di Resta, 6th

“It’s a great feeling to finish sixth and make the one-stop strategy work. I said yesterday that we had opted to set the car up more for the race and it really paid off today. There were times when we had to be very quick and times when we had to manage the pace and look after the tyres. Towards the end of the race I was battling with Fernando and Lewis, but it was impossible to hold Fernando back because he was on much fresher soft tyres. Lewis was on the mediums so I just focussed on getting clean exits from the hairpin and the chicane leading onto the long straights, and was able to stay ahead. The eight points are just what we needed and everybody in the team deserves credit for the big effort that has gone in this week. That’s two strong weekends in a row and we will move to Austin determined to keep up the momentum.”

RES – “Please don’t fire me.”

Adrian Sutil, 10th
“Considering that I started in P17 I have to be quite satisfied about scoring a point and I’m happy about the team result today. It’s not been an easy weekend with the problems I had during practice and qualifying, but the strategy today was the right one and we came away with a point. I was running in ninth until the last lap ahead of Perez, but by that time I had done 27 laps on the soft tyres and it was very hard to defend because I had no traction out of the slow speed corners. The points scored in the last two races have been very important for the championship position.”

SUT – Feel that hot, fucking breath on your neck McLaren? That’s motherfucking Force fucking India right up on your ass! Hope you losers find the magic pontoons or Sergio’s Uncle drives that Flecha Roja bus up from Guadalajara or some shit. ‘Cause you are about to get the beat-down from Force India! Respect!”

McLaren
Sergio Perez, 9th

“This was a very complicated race – and harder than we’d expected. I struggled a little on my first set of Prime tyres, and I’m not too sure why. We had bad rear tyre degradation and poor traction overall. We’d opted to run with minimal downforce in the hope of being able to pass other cars in the race. But, despite that, in the event I found it difficult to overtake, and the fact that I spent a lot of the race stuck in traffic therefore made things very difficult. Still, it was a positive to be able to take ninth position from Adrian [Sutil] on the very last lap – one more point for the team may not sound much but it’s always helpful. The next race is in Austin [Texas, USA]. I can’t wait to go racing again so close to my home [Mexico], and to see the people who’ve supported me so well during this difficult season.”

PER – “I can’t wait for my uncle, Paco, to get up to Austin with that bus he promised me. He’s been running it around the Mexico City GP track and swears that thing does comparable lap times to the MP4-28. Shit, it’s easier on tyres and has a little blender for margaritas and pina coladas. Which, hey, after this season in this car, we could all use a drink. . . Am I right, people?!”

Jenson Button, 12th
“You make your own luck when you start down in 12th – where first-lap congestion is inevitable – and, sure enough, there was a little bit of argy-bargy into Turn One. I duly locked-up both my front tyres, couldn’t slow the car down sufficiently, and drove into the back of Paul [di Resta], which broke my front-wing end-plate. It’s a real pity to keep on having first-lap incidents, especially when the car is working reasonably well now. I’ve been in a similar situation for the past two races, and things haven’t really gone my way. Still, I managed 44 laps on the Prime – and, in terms of getting the most out of what we had, that felt positive. So, all in all, given how far behind we were after lap two [when he made his unscheduled early pit-stop], to finish so close to 10th by the chequer wasn’t so bad.”

BUT – “I’m just sort of glad I’m British right now. Between kidney pie and Benny Hill and Eddie “The Eagle”, we’re just sort of used to putting a good face on complete and total suck. I’m not even sure how Checo is keeping his shit together. He’s always wandering around the garage, muttering about buses and his uncle and 10 peso trips to Acapulco to go foam dancing. At least I’m still the cutest F1 dri. . . . What? What’s that? Gutierrez has been voted “Cutest F1 Driver” this week??!!! Fuck.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 11th

“Today was a very tough race from the perspective of trying to manage the tyres, but we managed to cope with it pretty well. I certainly feel that the pace and consistency of the car has improved with the new aero package we ran this weekend and I could feel that the car was improving as the race went on. Unfortunately I came out in to traffic after my second pitstop which meant that I couldn’t really show the improved pace we had, and in the end I had to settle for a finish just outside the points. Overall the weekend has seen some positive steps forward which will give us a boost for the next race.”

MAL – “Yeah, I came in 11th. Man, what’s this giant wad in my pocket? Oh, look! It’s 10 million American Dollars that say 11th is the new 10th. What’s that? These dollars smell like oil? Oh, I’ll find someone who wants my stinky dollars.”

Valtteri Bottas, 15th
“I don’t think P15 was really reflective of the pace we had today. My race was compromised by the first lap when I was jumped by the Caterhams who started on the option tyres and so had more grip and were able to overtake me. After the prime tyres started to work my race pace was very good and I was able to fight hard with the cars around me. The positive from this weekend is that the car is feeling better and we have definitely made some gains which is promising for the final two races.”

BOT – “‘Jumped by Caterhams. Jumped by Caterhams. Have I ever told you how I get freaked out by Kindergartners? Yeah, I have to cross the street when I see those little fuckers coming down the sidewalk. Little fucking monsters. Them and the Caterhams.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“Obviously we were looking for a better result this weekend, so we can not be happy. The pace is there, but qualifying yesterday affected the race today. Our strategy today wasn’t ideal either. I still had some good fights going on today, which I enjoyed, so I will take those positives with me and look forward to Austin.”

GUT – “Still super cute! And not in a McLaren!”

Nico Hulkenberg, 14th
“I’m not quite sure what happened today. I had felt comfortable with the car all weekend, but from lap one I was struggling with it. All the balance and the confidence I had was gone today, and I don’t know why. I had a lot of understeer in the first two stints. I couldn’t really rotate the car, which cost a lot of lap time. Then the unsafe release during my second pit stop, which resulted in a drive through penalty, was also quite costly. Now we have to evaluate as to why the car was so different today. It is disappointing, because there was a realistic chance for points today.”

HUL – “I need to find out what the hell Massa is smoking. I heard he’s got a little bottle he uses to collect ‘Nando’s tears and he drinks that shit and it’s like he’s Kurt Russell in some fucking Disney movie!”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 16th
“This was not at all the race I was hoping for. In this sport, if the start doesn’t go well, it’s hard to recover, so I want to look at the data to understand what happened. The car didn’t get off the line well and then, at Turn 1 there was a bit of chaos as I dropped back into the group behind me. I had to run wide to avoid some accidents and from then on, my race was pretty much over. At the moment, our pace is not sufficient to fight back into the top ten if something like this happens. We must see what we can do to have better starts, because when we get good ones, we have generally gone on to score points.”

RIC – “Here’s a litany of empty excuses I need to burn up before the end of this season.”

Jean-Eric Vergne, 17th
“This is a very disappointing result. To sum it up, going for a one stop strategy was the right decision, but we made the change from Soft to Medium a little bit too early, so there was no life in the tyres towards the end, just as all that group of cars came up behind me. The original plan was for a two stop, but looking at how the race was developing, we decided to take this gamble, but it didn’t pay off. I tried all I could to keep the tyres alive, but it was not enough. A shame, as I was in the points for most of the race, especially as the car felt good and I was running at a strong pace. It seems that luck is just not on my side this season, as it’s not the first time I’ve been having a good race until circumstances have worked against me. The incident with Alonso? For a while now, if a driver puts a wheel outside the track when overtaking he gets a penalty and he had four wheels outside the line. In any case, he would have passed me down the next straight as I was struggling with my tyres by then.”

VER – “Mostly what I do at this point is pretend I’m in really deep, existentialist French film and I pretend there are all these hot, American undergrads really enjoying the movie and that’s pretty much what gives my life meaning right now.”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 18th

“I have to say that’s one of my best ever races. The car was great today and the work the boys did in the stops, they were really on it and that helped a lot in the race. At the start I was ahead of Raikkonen who made contact with my left rear in turn one. I nearly spun after the contact, and lost a bit of time to my teammate and Chilton, but both Charles and I passed him by the end of the second lap and then we also got Bottas. I’m obviously pleased the luck went my way this time and I made it through the first lap and from there the car was feeling great, just really well balanced. In the first stop I went from softs to mediums and I could really push everywhere – I had a bit of oversteer but nothing too bad. I was behind my teammate after the stops but had more pace and the team made the call to let me past – with clear air I could really push and opened up a gap to him right to the flag. We know we need more luck and things to happen to the cars ahead to be able to get back tenth place in the championship, but it’s still good to have finished so far ahead of our nearest rivals. We need to carry that form through for the final two races and I know that if things come our way, we can do what’s required to finish my rookie season on a really positive note.”

GAR – “Fuck yeah! Fucking happy to be here!”

Charles Pic, 19th
“The car’s been understeering all weekend and it just carried on the same today in the race. I had an ok start, passed Chilton and Bottas by the end of lap two and was immediately pulling away until the first stop on lap eight when we went from options to primes. In the second stint the car just didn’t have any balance I could work with. I was ahead of Giedo but the team told me to let him pass so I did but with the way the car felt I couldn’t get any more out of it. That was the same pretty much right to the flag – in the final stint it felt a bit better but still nowhere near enough what I’d wanted.”

PIC – “Yup, as I predicted: it was all sandy clag with some hummus and baba ganoush this weekend. All the LED lights and money in the world ain’t gonna give this shit flavor. Next race: The States! Texas! Tacos and clag! Guns and clag!”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 20th

“I think we are quite surprised by our performance today after we had seemed to arrive at an improvement in qualifying. It was a very long race, I have to say. The car balance was not as we expected and I had to really push very hard to keep pace with the Caterhams, which is not ideal for managing the tyres. I think we will have to have a good look at everything before we go to Austin as, in theory, our new developments had seemed positive. It has been a tough weekend so we hope for better things in the final two races.”

BIA – “Is this shit over yet? What? We’re supposed to do this 22 times next year??!!!?? Fuck.”

Max Chilton, 21st
“That was a tough race for us today. We’ve made some good progress this weekend but for some reason we were unable to show that today. The start was good – again – so well done to the Team for getting on top of that because that last few races have been very good in that respect. Into the race the car balance was difficult and we were just battling for pace. It’s a shame, because our new developments seemed positive, but they haven’t translated into the race today. On the plus side, I finished yet another race – so that’s 17 out of 17 now – and of course we still hold position in the Constructors’ Championship. I think we have a lot of work to do to get on top of this before Austin as we need two strong final races.”

CHI – “GUYS!!! FUCKING 17 IN A ROW!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!????? WOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“First of all, congratulations to Sebastian Vettel for winning this race. A variety of strategies were deployed, with good levels of wear and degradation on both compounds, which meant that drivers were able to complete long opening stints even on the soft tyre. Sebastian drove a masterful race to win without ever losing the lead, making the most of the fact that he had not used the medium compound at all in qualifying, leaving him with two fresh sets of mediums today. As usual we saw a high degree of track evolution and falling track temperatures over the course of the race, although perhaps not to the extent we actually anticipated.”

Hembrey – “As always: double finger to you fucking assholes blaming the tyres on your shit-ass results.”

2013 Indian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

17th to 3rd. It appears that using Kimi’s sunglasses does help you drive better. Next race, watch out assholes, I’m adopting his method of driving in flip-flops as well!

Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“First of all I would love to say thank you to the crowds. It was an unbelievable reception today and it’s a shame we are not racing here next year. I’m speechless. I crossed the line and I was empty. I took ages to think about something to say. It’s one of these moments where you want to say so many things but you can’t. It’s been such a phenomenal season. I think the team and the spirit inside the team is so strong; I said it on the radio already – it gives me so much power. It’s a pleasure to jump in the car and go out for the guys and girls and try to give it all I have. The car was fantastic today. I didn’t think about the donuts before the race today – it just happened. My engineer directed for the usual procedure, but I said ‘not this time!’ There are so many people in the main grandstand, I just had to do it. I want to say a big thank you to the team – all the people behind us. It was for sure not an easy season and even though people on the outside thought we had it in our hands, I think it was difficult. It a was tough season for me personally, to receive boos even though we haven’t done anything wrong; to overcome that and give the right answer on the track and get acceptance makes me very proud. To join people like Prost, Fangio and Michael is unbelievable. I think this is one of the best days in my life so far. There are so many people that I have to thank; I’ve always tried to listen and learn and it’s incredible to race some of the best drivers in the world.”

Translation Svcs – While we here at Translation Svcs feed on snark much like the VET-Bot 2000 feeds on, um, team spirit, I guess, we sort of feel like this was actual sincerity on Vettel’s part. Listening to him declare his love for Adrian and Cristian on the radio touched a warm and fuzzy spot on our gnarled and bitterly blackened hearts. We’re almost willing to forgive the wonderful contradiction between him saying “I always try to listen” and saying “Fuck it! I’m doing some doughnuts!!!!!!”. VET-Bot 2000, we are not sure if you are human, half-human or not-human; if you “secretly” get the better car with the magic turbo boost; or if you’re a combination of all that, PLUS just really fucking fast. . . . Either way, you clinched the WDC so, this week, we’ll be mostly nice as a way of saying congratulations.

Mark Webber,DNF
“Obviously I’m pretty disappointed with today’s race, but there is not much I can do, the alternator went wrong with very short notice so we had to stop straight away. It’s tough because we did a lot of things right this weekend, but I’ve got a smile on my face as I could not have done any more. Well done to Seb on his Championship and also to all the Team; to get a fourth title is amazing. It’s been a great job by the whole team to achieve the title four years on the trot and it has once again set itself as the benchmark for the others.”

WEB – “I’ve got a smile on my face right now because I’m a fucking professional. Shortly, I will be proceeding to a small, dark, well-insulated room where I will anger-shave my anger-whiskers. Then I will hold a koala-shaped pillow to my face and scream into it until I fall asleep.”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“To achieve four double World Championships is the culmination of an enormous amount of dedication and commitment from the whole team. For Sebastian to have joined the illustrious names of Fangio, Prost and Schumacher is an incredible achievement, especially at such a young age and it’s a privilege to work with him. It’s an enormous day for the team to have won its fourth consecutive Constructors’ World Championship. Without the dedication and determination of all the staff from all of the departments throughout the company and from all of our Partners and the backing of Dietrich Mateschitz and support of Red Bull, none of this would be possible. There’s going to be an awfully lot of happy people in Milton Keynes and Salzburg this evening. We’ve got three races to go and we’re just going to go for it. The most disappointing thing today was obviously the failure on Mark’s car when we were set for a 1-2 finish; we had a sudden alternator failure, but sometimes that’s racing. It was just desperately disappointing to happen while we were on course to achieve a 1-2 finish. I think it’s going to take quite a few days for this success to sink in and it’s important for the team to enjoy the moment – we will be pushing all the way to the chequered flag in Brazil.”

Horner – “That’s racing. Every week: that’s racing. Car’s on fire: that’s racing. Nothing to see here. Go Seb!”

Thierry Salvi, Renault support for Red Bull
“Seb showed his capacity to be very, very quick yet again and to come back to the front despite a very early pit stop. That was a demonstration. Mark pushed very hard from the beginning and was a serious rival to Seb until his failure. A huge result for the team today, with the quadruple double finally done and dusted! It’s a very proud moment for us to have contributed to these titles and to see the partnership go from strength to strength. It was not a perfect day with the alternator issue for Mark, but it doesn’t have to sour the celebrations for too long.”

Salvi – “Mark who?”

Mercedes
Nico Rosberg, 2nd

“A great job from Sebastian today and his fourth title is well deserved. For our team, it was a very important race today. We scored a lot of points and climbed back up to second place in the Constructors’ Championship. I’m quite confident that we can keep that position until the end of the season as the team is doing a great job and our car looks good but it will be a fight. I had good pace today and we really nailed the set-up here. The team did a fantastic job on the strategy and thanks to the boys for that. The only thing which didn’t work out perfectly was when I dropped behind Felipe at the start as it was not easy to overtake him on the track, but then we managed to clear him in the pits. Our target was to be the best of the rest this weekend and it worked out perfectly.”

ROS – “I’m not really sure how the hell I  came in second but, uh, hey! I’m down with it! I got past Felipe. Hey, Hammy! How did you do against Felipe? Uguughhh. . . Oh, yeah. . . .Um, does anyone have a towel? I just came again.”

Lewis Hamilton, 6th
“Massive congratulations to Seb on becoming four-time World Champion today. That’s an awesome achievement and he’s put in some incredible performances this season. I really hope we get to take the fight to him next year! Looking at my race today, it’s great that we got some good points, particularly with Nico’s podium, and that the team are back to second place. The car has been pretty good this weekend but the race was frustrating for me. I tried so hard to get past Felipe but it just wasn’t possible and unfortunately I destroyed my tyres in doing so. Finishing in sixth place is never satisfying but we’ve got three more races and we’ll keep pushing. I’m confident that we can get some more good results to keep the team in second place and we’ll keep fighting to achieve just that.”

HAM – “I am just happy to be here. Loving being in F1 with someone as talented as Seb. It’s so good to have a great relationship with Seb and that Seb knows that I totally support him and, man, am I lonely. Bless.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 3rd

“If you had told me yesterday that I’d be on the podium here I would have said you were crazy! Straight from the beginning of the race I felt very comfortable on the option tyres and we looked in pretty good shape, then we fitted the mediums and the car was really quick. I lost quite a lot of time behind [Esteban] Gutierrez which maybe cost us the fight for second, but we managed to come back from that well. When I saw that I was fourth in front of [Felipe] Massa with 27 laps to go I knew it was going to be close with him as we had to take care of the tyres, plus we had an engine issue at the end of the race which made things quite tricky. In the final laps Kimi was really struggling with his tyres so I managed to pass him and luckily had enough pace to keep Felipe behind. Before the race our best prediction was fourth if we had a strong start and a perfect race, so it was an amazing result and a great performance from the team.”

GRO – “HOW DOES IT FEEL, KIMI?!!! SHOE’S ON THE OTHER FOOT NOW, BITCH!!!!!! /GRO MIC DROP/”

Kimi Raikkonen, 7th
“We ran maybe the first twenty laps with no brakes as they had overheated massively, so every time I got close to somebody I lost braking. At the end of the race I ran out of tyre performance too so it’s been a pretty disappointing day. I knew the tyres would drop off quite quickly, but there wasn’t much to lose between trying to get to the end and making an extra pit stop in terms of time lost. In the end it didn’t work.”

RAI – “Yeah, whatever. I’ve already painted all the ice dragons red. Have fun with Maldonado, Romain. You think I’m an asshole? Ask Valtteri about assholes for teammates.”

Ferrari
Felipe Massa, 4th

“That was a nice race and I am very happy, because the strategy worked. I managed to always run at a good pace, even with the Soft tyres. Here, I could have fought for the podium, but as the track evolved, some cars, such as Grosjean in the Lotus, managed to make just one stop, which was impossible for us. I lost a position to Rosberg, who came in early for his second stop, but I have to be happy with this day when we made no mistakes. Today, we lost second place in the Constructors’ classification, because Mercedes was very quick and we are well aware, that even if it won’t be easy, there are still three races and we will do our utmost right to the very end. I want to congratulate Sebastian, who deserves everything he has achieved so far. I am really happy for him, because he is a great driver and a very nice guy. From today, his name will sit alongside the greatest drivers in the history of Formula One, such as Senna, Schumacher and few others.”

MAS – “Hey, motherfuckers! Still relevant! I’m like Hulkenberg but with some gravitas. I could be like the Crash Davis of your (Yes! Your F1 team!) team! Teaching that young driver about pussy n’shit! Think about it! Fourth!”

Fernando Alonso, 11th
“Today, the problem I had on the first lap compromised my entire race, because we had to immediately change the nose and with one extra stop, without any opportunity to overtake, it was all an uphill struggle. In front of me, Webber touched someone and then me, then at turn 4 I also touched with Button. The steering felt very heavy in right hand turns and the only thing to do was pit. If you look at Webber’s race or Perez’s then I’d say our strategy was good, because when the others began to pit, those two were leading, but it’s also true that it went well for those who started on the Softs. I must congratulate Vettel, because in this, as in other sports, it’s the best that win. I’m a bit sad at not having scored points for the Constructors’ title, but now, if we want to take that second place, we have to do better in the next three races and try to always finish on the podium, at least with one car, if not both.”

ALO – “If anybody needs me, I’ll just be over in this corner, curled up in a ball.”

McLaren
Sergio Perez, 5th

“Unlike the past two or three weekends, I was finally able to enjoy a clean race without any bad luck! Fifth place is a great result for me. Without question, I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders, but it’s always sweeter when you perform well while under pressure. I’m extremely satisfied. In the closing laps, it was a fantastic feeling to get past Kimi [Raikkonen] and Lewis [Hamilton] in a single move. I just braked as late as I could for turn four to try and keep Lewis behind – and I managed to do it. It’s been a tough season, but today’s result is a promising sign and really motivates the whole workforce ahead of the last three races, where we’ll be doing our best to get more strong finishes under our belts. Finally, I want to give a big congratulations to Sebastian. He’s shown over the past few years that he’s a truly great champion. He’s had a great season and what he’s achieved is incredible. Now, I really hope we can fight against him next season!”

PER – “Si, cabron! As long as, at the end of some races, I can zip past some mo-fos whose tyres have completely gone off, I will continue to show promise! Whatever we did to the car this weekend: pontoons, some sparkly decals, whatever the fuck we did, totally worked!”

Jenson Button, 14th
“Today was just one of those days… Exiting turn four on the first lap, I got hit quite hard on the right-hand-side by Fernando [Alonso]. I don’t quite know why he couldn’t make the apex, as I’d given him loads of room, but he hit me in the side pretty hard. The contact damaged the car and damaged the wheel rim, which also gave me a puncture, although it didn’t cause me an issue until about three laps later. It was an extra shame that I was running on the medium compound tyre when I had the puncture, as that was the one you wanted to run long around here! So that incident destroyed my strategy for the rest of the afternoon. Without that contact, and the resultant puncture, I think we could have had some fun out there. It’s just a shame, because our car was quick around here – Checo showed just what was possible by driving an extremely good race. Congratulations to Seb for winning his fourth world championship. That’s very impressive – especially to win four in a row. His team did a great job, Adrian Newey demonstrated how good he is, and Seb finished it off nicely with a win.”

BUT – “Great job to Seb for getting to drive that magic car that Newey built for you, and only you, to victory. Fucker.”

Force India
Paul di Resta, 8th

“It’s great to score points here in India – the team’s home Grand Prix and a really important race for us. We took an aggressive strategy by pitting at the end of the first lap to change from softs to medium tyres – which was always the plan. After that we effectively split the race in two and I pitted again for my second set of medium tyres on lap 30. The other positive is that we’ve steadily improved the car over the last few weeks and I’m feeling more comfortable, so I think we can be optimistic of performing at a similar level in Abu Dhabi next week.”

RES – “Please don’t fire me, guys!”

Adrian Sutil, 9th
“The target was to score points so eighth and ninth places are a great result for us today. My one-stop strategy was the riskier approach and it was only during the race that we decided to go ahead with it. The medium tyres, which I started on, were performing really well and I realised that doing a one-stop race was possible. We thought that the soft tyres would only last around five laps, so I made sure I really looked after them, and in the end I managed just under twenty laps. After some difficult races recently, we showed everybody what we can achieve with some great teamwork today.”

SUT – “Hembery! After, like, ten laps on the softs, is was like fucking ‘2001: A Space Odessey’ up in this bitch! Lights and things were streaming all out of the monolith and I saw the secrets to the universe flash all around me. I felt so free! Force India!”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 10th

“I am pretty pleased with today’s performance, even if during the race I thought we were looking better than a tenth place finish, especially after the first stint went well and the pace was looking good. It seemed as though we could have matched Sutil and Di Resta, so there’s a little bit of disappointment about the fact I couldn’t get past them and get a couple more points. Generally, I am pleased with what I did in the car and now we move on to Abu Dhabi, where we have a lot of support, so I hope we can give them a good result next Sunday. Vettel? Phenomenal! Particularly since the summer break, when he grabbed the title and never let anyone else look at it.”

RIC – “I suppose I should get used to the feeling of Seb taking all the nice things and me not getting to look at them.”

Jean-Eric Vergne, 13th
“I think the strategy we had was a good one, coming in very early to get rid of the Soft tyre. It could have paid off to the extent of getting into the points, but we were just too slow, even though we did everything we could. I just couldn’t do better today, so of course I am disappointed, because making up one place from my grid position is not really enough. At least we only have a few days to wait before trying again in Abu Dhabi. Vettel? What he’s done is something truly special, so congratulations.”

VER – “Blergh.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 12th

“This was a better weekend for us, with the car showing better race pace which is encouraging. I had another strong start and made up a good number of places on the first lap. I was fighting hard at the end of the race to try and get us in to the top ten but unfortunately we didn’t quite make it today. We can take positives from this weekend and I feel we are getting closer to the points so hopefully we can score some more in the final three races.”

MAL – “Hey! I didn’t hit anybody! Let’s build on that momentum! Does anybody want some mad Venezuelan oil money? I promise not to run my teammate off the track too frequently!”

Valtteri Bottas, 16th
“The first lap was very slippery for me and I was sliding a lot more than other cars and lost some positions, but my pace in the first stint was getting better and I was getting more and more grip from the tyres. However I had a radio failure which meant my first pit stop was later than planned and I lost track position, and in the second stint I was fighting closely with a lot of other cars and that traffic cost us a bit of time. Our race pace was stronger than in the last few races and I felt that I was on the right strategy, but the lack of running in free air meant that I wasn’t able to capitalise on this and challenge for points.”

BOT – “Just kinda stayed back here so I wouldn’t have to smell MAL’s farts.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez, 15th

“This wasn’t a great weekend, yet I gained valuable experience during the race today. Unfortunately, I made a mistake at the start and I paid for that with a drive through. We had a good pace today and I had good fights with Fernando (Alonso) and Roman (Grosjean). I enjoyed that. The car had a very good balance. At the end I struggled a bit on the options, but still I think if I avoid mistakes and we are able to qualify better we can for sure finish in the top ten again.”

GUT – “Still the cute one!”

Nico Hulkenberg, 19th
“Today I would have passed the finish line in eighth place. We don’t know yet what happened. When I was braking into the last turn something clicked and all of a sudden my brakes were gone. Something must have been broken on the car. Following that I pitted and went out again, but something wasn’t right. It is very disappointing.”

HUL – “Hulkenberg? Fever?”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 17th

“I’m so happy with my performance in that race. The start was great and with the help of my engineers we did a good job of driving around a problem that at one stage had looked like it might end in retirement. Thankfully it eased and we could set about recovering our strategy, which in the end played out very nicely for me. From the video, the circumstances of the first corner seem pretty clear – I was ahead of Van der Garde and he hit both Pic and myself with his front wing. When I looked in my mirrors I could see he had damaged his wing. Overall, it hasn’t been an entirely straightforward weekend but we have been there or thereabouts with the Caterhams’ on pace and we had it in the car today to do a good job. I’m obviously very happy to maintain my record of finishing every race but it will be an even nicer feeling if I can still be saying that in Brazil! My thanks to the team for all the hard work, which is clearly paying off. Finally, congratulations to Sebastian on a well-deserved fourth title.”

CHI – “WOOOO-HOOOOOO!! FINISHED AGAIN!!!! LOVE THIS SHIT! SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!!!!! LET’S GO GOLFING.”

Jules Bianchi, 18th
“I am happy that we finished the race with both cars again but disappointed with my position to be honest. Our two strategies were very close, although the theory was that mine would be just a little quicker. The car was good and the strategy should have paid off had it not been for a problem at the first pit stop, which cost me a lot of time. At the end of the race that really made the difference. Overall we have to be pleased with the car performance and think positively about every opportunity for the team to hold position in the Championship. My best wishes to Sebastian – a great achievement for him.”

BIA – “Fucking Chilton and his goddamned positivity fucking powering him to glory. . .Well, 17th, anyway.”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, DNF

“I’m really disappointed my race ended so early. I made a fair start but coming out of turn one Chilton left me no room and we made contact, breaking my front wing and suspension. It’s been made really clear to us that we have to give each other room but today I wasn’t given any at all and that’s what’s finished my race before it really got going. It’s such a shame as this weekend the car’s felt really good, the balance has been there right from the first practice session and we know we have the pace on Sundays to pull away from the cars we’re fighting with. Having it all end so quickly is obviously bad, for me and everyone in the team who keep working so hard, but we can come back from this straight away next weekend in Abu Dhabi and that’s exactly what I aim to do.”

GAR – “Chilton’s so busy smiling and being happy, his eyes get all squinty and he can’t see so well and he hits me and . . . Man, I’d be angry but he’s so fucking happy.”

Charles Pic, DNF
“After the start and coming out of turn one I was ahead of Chilton and my team mate. Giedo didn’t have anywhere to go and made contact with my right rear tyre and it punctured which meant I had to come in immediately for a stop. We’d started on the soft tyres so we were always going to have to stop early, but obviously not on lap one, and with the time I’d lost with the first lap puncture I was back to where we were in Japan, having to play catch-up for the rest of the race. On the first set of mediums the car started behaving strangely and I was told to box again on lap 16. It turned out we had another puncture on the right rear and the tyre had lost a lot of pressure so we put on another new set of mediums and I pushed to close the gap to the cars ahead, but with such a big deficit it was always going to be unlikely I’d be able to catch and pass them. We gave it a go but we started losing hydraulic pressure, affecting the gearbox first, making changes harder, and then the steering started getting heavier and on lap 39 I was given the call to retire the car. My engineer explained afterwards we had to stop because of a hydraulics leak which is why we’d had problems with the gearbox and the power steering and we had to retire to stop any more problems with the rest of the car. Overall this has been a bit of a tough weekend, but we will keep fighting, next weekend and for the rest of the season.”

PIC – “Have you guys ever had the clag-naan? The shit is for reals, yo! And it just goes with everything: curried clag, clag with paneer, clag with saag. . . EVERYTHING! Where’re we going next? Abu Dhabi?! Fuck. Fucking clag with sand. Can’t wait.”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“With a notable lap time difference between the two compounds, strategy was at the forefront of this action-packed Indian Grand Prix. We saw some very different approaches being taken all the way down the grid, which was roughly split between drivers starting on the soft and the medium tyre. We also saw many teams split their strategies between both cars, in order to cover every possibility. Sebastian Vettel’s early pit stop meant that he was able to undercut his direct rivals on the same strategy, but Webber was able to gain track position by staying out longer: which basically summed up how the different tactics worked. However, we are disappointed to see that some teams went against our recommendations and used the compounds for longer than we advised them to do. Most of all though, congratulations to Sebastian and Red Bull for their fourth consecutive double championship: a testament to their astounding capabilities in every area all year, including their skills at using the tyres and strategy to gain an advantage.”

Hembery – “Only Sutil saw through our ruse and realized that all the secrets of the universe were to be revealed to the one who pushed the softs past ten laps. Also, we slipped him a lot of LSD right before the race. That helped.”