F1 Ringtones: All F1 Phones when $$$. . I Mean, Russia Calls.

Bernie to all drivers from Russia: “If you are so able to, you can do it!”

(I’m assuming that everyone in F1 (except for Mercedes) has phones that are so technologically advanced that they can handle four-minute videos as a ringtone.)

F1 Ringtone: Bernie’s Phone when Sergey Sirotkin and Daniil Kvyat Call

I couldn’t find a song titled “I Know What Side My Bread’s Buttered On” or “I’m Not Fucking Stupid (I Need That Russian Money Bad Blues)” or “Have You Seen Petra’s Fucking Mortgage Payments?”.

2013 Japanese Grand Prix, Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

“Hammy. Guess where I’ve got my hand. Hammy. Hammy. Hammy? Where do I have it. . . . Now? Hammy?”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“A very rewarding win today; it’s a great feeling. I love this track and it’s just fantastic to win here. It was a horrible start to be honest; we found ourselves sitting in third place and then tried to go longer in the first stint. I had great traction after I got past Romain and after that the only threat was Mark who got stuck behind Romain. We could then manage the gap until the end of the race. The Championship is the big target of course, but the season is very long still and the best way to wrap it up is not to think about it. I’m happy to go home for a bit now and to relax before we go out to India. That’s an impressive country and I’m looking forward to racing there in a couple of weeks.”

VET – “You don’t even realize you are being hypnotized right now, do you?”

Mark Webber, 2nd
“We were on the back foot a bit after Romain’s great start. I wanted to put pressure on him for the win. Sebastian was on a different strategy to me and in the end it worked out pretty similar. It’s hard to know which was right (a two or three stop strategy), as we were trying to cover off Romain. I did my best and in the end it was a good result.”

WEB – “It is hard to know which strategy was right, except the fucker who ran the two-stop took fucking first and the fucker that went with the three-stop took fucking second. Fuck this shit: I have to go shave.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 3rd
“Today was just a very, very good race. What a start! It was superb to go past both the Red Bulls like that and it’ll be one of my best memories of the year. The car was fantastic on the first set of tyres and we managed to pull away, but then the Red Bulls were able to reel us in later on. Ultimately, we were the only car to almost catch the bull. It’s been a great home race for my engineer; it’s always good to come to Japan and it’s really good to be back on the podium again.”

GRO – “Mmmm-MMM! Did you bitches see that start?! Even the Ice Dragons saw that start and said, ‘Fucking A!’. Taciturn Finn, who? I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about. I could give a shit less who takes Kimi’s seat next season. I’m just so excited NOT to be the one walking around the garage on eggshells, worrying about whether or not some Finnish mythological figure was going jump out and freeze my weiner off for having looked at Kimi the wrong way. I hope Massa signs with us ’cause I’ve heard he sort likes being pooped on.”

Kimi Raikkonen, 5th
“I had a very poor start. I left the line with wheel spin and lost a few places which wasn’t ideal, but I managed to gain places back later on in the race. After the final pit stop the car was working much better. It ran well in the last half of the race and I was very happy with it. It was a pretty normal race I would say. It’s difficult to overtake here so it’s good that we got some points. We did what we could.”

RAI – “Fuckers forgot to give me my car back after the “switcheroo for quali” weekend. Assholes. You’re all going to look pretty funny trying to piss through frozen dicks.”

Eric Boullier, Lotus team principal
“It’s great to see such a good fight in the race and both our cars show so strongly. Once again, both drivers, our strategists and the pit crew performed brilliantly and we did the very best we could on track. We don’t have the pace to beat Red Bull, but today we showed them that we are nevertheless quite formidable whilst also underlining to Mercedes and Ferrari that we are a strong contender for the final four races of the season. We must say a big thanks to everyone at Enstone for the fantastic car we have in the E21. To see Romain leading the race was very satisfying and we hope to see that again very soon.”

Boullier – “I’ve been shitting my pants and holding my breath since Kimi announced that he was leaving. Thank fucking god Romain has finally pulled his head of his ass.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 4th

“Fourth place was the most I could do today, as the three ahead of me were really out of reach and so, given our starting position and how practice went in general, I am happy. It was an action packed race and even if we suffered with traffic, degradation was more normal than in Korea and we were back to having a good pace. Certainly, we need to find something extra if we want to finish on the podium in the next four races. Today, Mercedes had a few problems and we made up some important points, but we must give it our all, if we want to stay second in the Constructors’ classification, because they are not far behind. I am very proud of having become the driver with the most points in the history of this sport, even if for a few years now, with the change to the points system, you get more. Now I want to celebrate this record and think about the next race in India. This one is already in the past.”

ALO – “You like that caveat? ‘Oh, I got more points under the old system, when you got fewer points so, really, Seb’s points are bullshit except that Seb is winning everything ever and, oh, fuck it.’ Speaking of putting things in the past, could we just put this whole season in the past and get this shit over with? I’m ready for next sea. . . . . .What? What’s that? Kimi is my team-mate next season?! Where’s Dasha? Daddy needs a blowjob.”

Felipe Massa, 10th
That was a really difficult day, with the drive-through wiping out any chance of having a good race or bringing home more points. When I came down pit lane, I didn’t realise I was going too fast. It’s the first time it’s happened to me and it’s a real shame, because in the first stint of the race, I had a good pace. Having taken the penalty, I was stuck in traffic and the cars that had made a third stop towards the end of the race were able to pass me easily on new tyres. I am disappointed, because I’m sure that without that mistake I could have got a good result. In the remaining races, we must continue to fight and I hope we can be competitive starting right away in India.”

MAS – “Yeah, yeah: I was speeding in pit lane. You know, I just felt so free. Disregarding team orders, doing whatever the hell I wanted; just driving and not worrying about where ALO was and what ALO needed and how they were going to tell me to do something to help out ALO. . . LIKE HE DOESN’T HAVE THE FUCKING HOTTEST GIRLFRIEND EVER!!!?? Anyway, I was thinking about all that and feeling that and I guess I just got a little carried away in pit lane. 

Sauber

Nico Hulkenberg, 6th
“I think, we did everything we could today. I was already surprised by the pace of the car going to the grid as it felt really good. Again I managed to keep both Ferraris behind me for a long time, even if it wasn’t enough as my tyres just gave up a little bit at the end of the race. We were fighting throughout the race today. Just after my second pit stop I was surprised I was able to pull away a bit from Fernando (Alonso), but he was probably saving his tyres. It was a great team result with P6 and P7, and hopefully a nice present for Peter Sauber. I’m fairly confident we can fight for points again in India.”

HUL – “Is this what it’s like being addicted to heroin? My brain is so filled with endorphins and shit right now, I can’t even think straight. I was able to pull away from Alonso because I’m flying right now! Fffffflllllyyyyyyyyiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngg!!!!!!!!!”

Esteban Gutierrez, 7th
“Finally I can feel great satisfaction after the race. It has been a lot of work to get up to this point and, while it has not been an easy path, I think it has been a very solid one. Over the past few races we have been improving a lot and, as I said yesterday, we have to keep optimistic and this is the result of that. Knowing we can achieve something like this, you really go forward and do your best and push. Even though the last few laps were very difficult with Nico Rosberg behind me, it was overall a great race. I want to thank the team as is has done a great job today. Also many happy returns to Peter Sauber on his 70th birthday.”

GUT – “Has anybody noticed how cute I am? Way cuter than Perez, yo!”

Mercedes

Nico Rosberg, 8th
“I made a good start today and was in a strong position until my first pit stop. Unfortunately we then had the incident as I left the pit box which ultimately cost me a top position. We will analyse internally with the team what went wrong but it was immediately clear that we would get a penalty. After that, we switched to a three-stop strategy and that worked out as well as it could for us. I was able to do some good overtaking manoeuvres, although I wasn’t happy with Perez as the rules are clear; you can defend once and close the door but you can’t switch sides again. Trying to overtake the Sauber at the end was very tough and while it’s difficult to be satisfied with eighth place given our potential, at least we were able to salvage some points.”

ROS – “Fucking Perez fucking destroyed my buzz just as the angels were working their magic. Fucking asshole. I needed that shit, too, after that craptastic race. Checo! You owe me one jizzed-in race suit, asshole!”

Lewis Hamilton, DNF
“I got a fantastic start this afternoon, better than both Red Bulls for probably the first time this year. Mark moved right, so I had to move as well, which sandwiched Sebastian between me and Romain. Seb’s front wing clipped my right rear, cut the tyre and that was that. It wasn’t his fault at all, just one of those things that wasn’t meant to be this afternoon. I feel most gutted for the team – the guys here at the track and in the factory – because they are doing an amazing job right now and we’re just not getting the reward for it. Looking to the last four races, I will just be going out there to enjoy them and score as many points as I can for the team. I still believe that second in the Constructors’ Championship is in our reach if our luck takes a turn for the better and that’s what we will all be aiming for.”

GOD – “This is God, speaking and translating for Hammy today. I have spoken. That is all. Bless.”

Ross Brawn, Mercedes team principal
“A tough afternoon for us which was made more frustrating by the fact that we had a good car today and unfortunately did not get the opportunity to demonstrate that. Our lap times were pretty competitive and the tyre durability was good but for various reasons, we weren’t able to race well. We suffered a puncture with Lewis off the line and, whilst he managed to recover to the pits, the damage subsequently proved too great to continue. With Nico, we had the issue with the pit stop which led to the drive through penalty. We’re normally a pretty reliable team in the pits and I don’t fully understand what happened yet but we will investigate and take any necessary actions. The team has worked extremely hard over the past two weeks and I still believe we have the potential to finish the season in second place in the Constructors’ Championship but we have to use the potential of the car to the full in the four remaining races to achieve that aim.”

Brawn – “I’m outta here!”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 9th

“The first two stints of the race were pretty difficult as I had massive understeer. That was my fault: on the lap-to-grid, it felt like I had too much front-end, so I took some wing out of the car. It was the wrong thing to do – it left me with too much understeer, and I kept locking up the fronts, which destroyed the front tyres. For the third set, we added some front-wing, and the balance came back to me. In the end, the car was really good to drive – especially my final stint on the Option tyre, which was a lot of fun, especially as I was able to chase down and pass a couple of other cars. In the closing laps, I made a great move on Paul [di Resta] around the outside of the chicane. I made the same move on Felipe [Massa] too, but he forced me over the kerb, so I ended up getting him on the straight. So it was an enjoyable end to the race, but a disappointing beginning.”

BUT – “I’ve been watching and listening to some of Hammy’s videos and beats on the secret intra-F1 YouTube. I’m thinking I need to commision a song/rap/thing from him. Something along the lines of: ‘FUCK THIS FUCKING CAR / YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CAR / FUCK YOU / OH BABY / YEAH / FUCK THIS SHIT’. It’ll be quite danceable.”

Sergio Perez, 15th
“It was a very unfortunate afternoon for us. I had such bad luck – things just didn’t go our way today. In fact, I think you could say that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. We had an incident with Nico [Rosberg] in the pit lane, some slow pit stops, and then another incident with Nico, which caused me to suffer a puncture – luckily, however, right at the entrance of the pit lane. After a difficult race like this, all we can do is look ahead. In two weeks’ time we’ll start all over again – I’ll be hoping for more luck in New Delhi.”

PER – “I have to totally stop hanging out with MAL.”

Translation Svcs – It’s too late.

Martin Whitmarsh, McLaren team principal
“Today’s race was a tough one for both our drivers, but they showed stout character in dealing with various adverse occurrences with great determination throughout all 53 laps. Jenson made a good start off the line, but through no fault of his own was then embroiled in a first-corner incident, consequently dropping a few places. As a result, he also flat-spotted his tyres, which caused a significant vibration that we elected to curtail by bringing him in for his first tyre stop earlier than we otherwise would have done. We were consequently forced to convert his planned two-stop strategy to a three-stopper, which was a pity, but he drove a truly excellent race thereafter, taking advantage of rubber fresher than that of his rivals in his fourth and final stint to pull off some excellent overtaking manoeuvres and bag a hard-won ninth place by the flag. Checo made an excellent start, moving from P11 on the grid to P8 at the end of lap one, and was able to keep pace with all but the three front-runners throughout his first stint. Unfortunately, his first tyre stop was compromised by the unsafe release of Nico’s Mercedes, causing him [ie, Checo] to emerge behind Esteban’s [Gutierrez] Sauber, behind which he lost a lot of time throughout his second stint, unable to overtake despite making plenty of brave attempts to do so. Then, in his third stint, Checo suffered a left-rear puncture, also ironically in an incident with Nico, which necessitated an extra unscheduled pit stop that put him out of contention for a points-scoring finish. Had that not occurred, he, like Jenson, would have earned some valuable points. From here we go to New Delhi, where we hope to consolidate our fifth place in the Constructors’ World Championship by enjoying what we hope will be a less eventful and more productive afternoon than we did here at Suzuka today.”

Whitmarsh – “Checho’s a dick but he has this amazing Tequila he swears will erase the memory of this season. . . .And, at this point, that’s pretty much the only reason we’re keeping him around.”

Force India
Paul di Resta, 11th

“At the start of the race I didn’t get a good launch and a few cars came by me, and then we lost out at the first pit stop because the Williams of Bottas jumped us. That compromised the second stint, which is why we went very aggressive with an early second stop to get track position and move ahead of the Williams. The car felt better for the final stint and it looked like we were on course for a point. In the end we were about five laps too short with the tyre life because I couldn’t defend from Jenson [Button]. With four races to go we need to take the positives from this weekend and will travel to India determined to get back in the points.”

RES – “Blergh. Still Force India.”

Adrian Sutil, 14th
“It’s been a very tough weekend and starting from the back of the grid made it difficult to get close to the points. In the end I finished P14 and had some good battles, but there was a lot of oversteer in the car and it was not easy to be consistent. The best part of the race was the start because I moved up to P16, but we just didn’t have the race pace we needed today and couldn’t get the performance from the tyres.”

SUT – “Man, remember Bahrain and Monaco? Oh, those were the da. . . Huh? That was just earlier this season? Fuck. Still Force India.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 12th

“There are some positive elements from today, because the car worked very well in this afternoon, However, our pit stops were not the best and cost us some time. After the start I found myself in traffic, so the team decided to call me in a bit early for the switch from the Option to the Prime, but the pit stop was slow and just put me back in the traffic. It was hard to overtake, so we tried lengthening the next two stints and the remaining pit stops were not the best. Apart from that, my pace seemed reasonable, so it’s a shame, as I think I could have done better, especially as I had a lot of new tyres for the race. I really hope I have a bit more luck and another good car in India.”

VER – “Have fun at RBR, Daniel!”

Daniel Ricciardo, 13th
“I am disappointed not to have scored some points today, because I am convinced I was heading for the top ten, which would have been an encouraging result, after struggling with the balance of the car on Saturday. We started on the Hard tyre and after I made a good start to move up two places, it was looking good as I passed Bottas on the track and moved up the order as those on the Medium pitted ahead of me. I was moving up the order again after my first stop and then I made a move on the outside of Sutil at the 130R and got past him. But after that, I ran wide onto the grass, which lost me a bit of time. Sadly, the Stewards decided I had gained an advantage by going off the track and had to take a drive-through penalty, which of course ruined my race. I was ninth when I came in for the penalty and it dropped me down outside the points.”

RIC – “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 16th

“It was pleasing to be able to make a move on the last lap to gain a position over my team mate. I felt we got the strategy slightly wrong today and we were struggling with the pace a bit, but we did manage to get 100% out of the car.”

MAL – “The levels of delusion under which I operate almost make you wonder if I’m operating from some other dimensional realm. . . .Either that or Checo’s tequila is much stronger than anyone realizes.”

Valtteri Bottas, 17th

“At the beginning of the race we didn’t look too bad and managed to keep some cars behind us. At the end of the second stint and into the third stint our pace seemed to drop off and we weren’t able to keep our positions. As the tyres wore out at the end we did struggle a bit, so unfortunately we couldn’t fight anymore.”

BOT – “I thought down here, in the backmarkers, we all kinda stuck together. Nothing like having your own team mate drive you off the road to make you feel like you’re at RBR. Hey, MAL, all the shit they pull? IT’S FUCKING FIGURATIVE!!!!”

Caterham
Charles Pic, 18th

“I had a good start but we’d already decided to serve the drive-through penalty at the end of lap one to get it out of the way and I was playing catch up from there. My target from there was to pass Chilton and I finished almost 20 seconds clear of him so that’s about as much as we could have hoped for today. I was on a set of hards for the first stint and they held up okay, they felt pretty good and I was given the all-clear to push quite early on so aimed to cut the gap as much as I could. We stopped for the first time on lap 17 and did the second stint on new options and my pace was good on them, right up until the second stop on lap 35. The final stint was on another set of hards and I came out around 11 seconds behind the Marussia so pushed as hard as I could and had the gap down to eight seconds with 11 laps left. I was gaining on him at about a second a lap and with five laps left I got him and pulled away, finally finishing 18th. I have to say I’m pretty happy about that, bearing in mind the time I lost on the first lap but I just kept pushing. I think it’s a fair result today for the work the whole team put in, and one that shows we never stop fighting.”

PIC – “Clag Sushi, clag okonomiyaki, clag noodles. . . I fucking love Japan. I had this dream once that I was on Iron Chef against Morimoto and the secret ingredient turned out to be clag and I totally kicked his ass!!!!”

Giedo van der Garde, DNF
“My start was okay but going into turn one I was squeezed between both the Marussia cars and had nowhere to go. I lost my front wing in contact with Bianchi and then the car went straight off and into the wall. It was quite a heavy impact but I’m okay. Obviously that’s disappointing, but it was a racing incident and sometimes these things happen so now we’ll move on to India and push for a better weekend there and for the rest of the season.”

GAR – “Meh.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 19th

“Generally this has been a really positive weekend for me and one where we’ve made all the right moves. It was great to qualify ahead of my three nearest competitors for the first time yesterday and today I held position for most of the race, so it was pretty disappointing to lose out just a few laps from the end. I was happy with the way our race was panning out but on the prime tyre in the final stint I struggled a lot more and made a small mistake going onto the marbles, which caused me to go off. From then on, with those tyres, there was little I could do to recover. Although we lost out in the end, I think we have to focus on the positives. The car is a lot stronger and we are in a good place for the fight with the Caterhams.”

CHI – “WOO-HOOOOO!!! FINISHED AGAIN!!! I LOVE THIS SHIT!!! WATCH OUT! THAT CLAG IS SLIPPERY!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Jules Bianchi, DNF
“All in all I think this is a weekend that was destined not to come my way, which is a shame as I love the Suzuka Circuit. We did our best to fight back and I was very confident in the way we would approach the race. Unfortunately, as I turned into the first corner on the opening lap, Van der Garde hit my rear wing which pushed me off track and into the gravel. Nothing more to say really, except my thanks to the Team for a lot of hard work this weekend. We’ll be back to do better in India I hope because there are good signs for the car performance.”

BIA – “I’m just happy for Max.”

Pirelli

Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director
“This was always going to be a very close race, with little difference in lap times between the two nominated compounds. As a result we saw varied approaches to strategy, with both the medium and the hard tyre being used at different points for the second and third stints. The majority of drivers stopped twice as we expected: wear is quite low at Suzuka due to the flowing nature of the circuit – which means that traction demands are low – but the high lateral energy loads mean that the limiting factor is degradation. This of course is exacerbated when you have a close race with the cars following behind each other, as aerodynamic efficiency is compromised and the cars slide more. Vettel was able to use a two-stop strategy to make the difference here, but it was extremely close with Webber and Grosjean. Once more we received a great welcome in Japan: one of the most difficult circuits in the world for drivers, cars and tyres, with an absolutely amazing atmosphere thanks to some fantastic fans.”

Hembery – “I love how all these assholes bitch about the tyres and then they use the fucking tyres to completely fuck over Webber. ‘Oh, Mark never would’ve made it. Oh, Seb just came in at the right time. Oh, no, we would never just arbitrarily fuck over Mark and lay it at Pirelli’s doorstep. Neeeverrrr’ Again: y’all all go fuck yourselves.”

Driver Ringtones: Fernando Alonso – The Ghost Dog

It would make me really happy if Fernando based his whole driving aesthetic on some mad RZA beats and a Cliff’s Notes version of Samurai Theory.

There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the moment. A man’s whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there is nothing left to do, and nothing else to pursue.

When one has made a decision to kill (pass! I mean pass) a person, even if it will be very difficult to succeed by advancing straight ahead, it will not do to think about doing it in a long, roundabout way. One’s heart may slacken, he may miss his chance, and by and large there will be no success. The Way of the Samurai is one of immediacy, and it is best to dash in headlong.

There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.

Our bodies are given life from the midst of nothingness. Existing where there is nothing is the meaning of the phrase “Form is emptiness.” That all things are provided for by nothingness is the meaning of the phrase “Emptiness is form.” One should not think that these are two separate things.

2013 Korean Grand Prix Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

“I’m pooping on my contract today. Just pooping on my contract today.”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“It was a long race today, but it’s really great to win. The start was crucial, it’s always tricky here as you’re nervous about the long straight when you start from pole. Fortunately we had good traction off the line and I had a strong exit out of the first corner. We kept the lead and tried to control the race from there. I think Mercedes had more range than us today, but we were able to win which is great. It was a very strong performance from the whole team and I’m happy. We’re just focusing on continuing to take one step at a time and trying to get the best out of the car at every single race.”

VET – “The start was crucial. Everything was in doubt until the moment the cars began moving.”

Mark Webber, DNF
“The incident with Sutil was obviously the end of my race today. It was in Turn 3 on the restart, everyone bottles back up and I was looking for a big exit on the next straight to use some KERS on Daniel (Ricciardo) and the Williams. Then Sutil, I don’t know what happened, but obviously he hit me from the inside and that was that. There was quite a lot of damage at the back of the car and I hope it hasn’t gone towards the chassis – we will have to see before the next race. Before that I was very happy with how I drove and we’d got back to a very good position before I got the puncture. After the Pirelli tyre failure on Perez’ car, I was very lucky to miss the tread of the tyre that came off and then unbelievably I managed to get a puncture from going through the debris.”

WEB – “Has anybody ever looked at my Wiki page? Could one my fans go on there and just go ahead and add a header for a section titled ‘LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKED UP SHIT THAT HAS HAPPENED TO MARK WEBBER IN HIS CAREER AND, MY GOD, HOW DOES HE EVEN FUCKING MAINTAIN THE WILL TO FUCKING LIVE???!!!!’? Could someone do that, please?”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“A really disciplined drive by Sebastian today to win his third consecutive Korean GP. It was a race dominated by tyre preservation and Sebastian managed it extremely well. It was a great shame to lose Mark who would have been on the podium today after he picked up a puncture from the debris from Perez’ incident. Then, after that he was the innocent victim of the incident that saw Sutil losing his car and hitting him, which caused a fire. It was somewhat frustrating to see our car on fire for what seemed to be an age.”

Horner – “We only had to ask VET to slow down about 75 times as opposed to the normal 150 times.”

Lotus
Kimi Raikkonen, 2nd

“Second place is okay and a good result for the team, but we’re here to win and having to fight your way to the front from a bad starting position is not ideal. Qualifying was pretty awful for me, but it’s difficult to say whether a better grid position would have made the difference. Sebastian was faster than us at the end; not massively, but a little bit for sure and his tyres were fresher too so I think it would have been tough to catch him in any case. We were closer to the Red Bull today than we have been in some races, but not close enough. People might say it was good luck with the safety car, but sometimes these things go with you and others they go against you. We made up some places even before that happened, and if we hadn’t had the speed then we wouldn’t have been in a position to take advantage. You could see at the end that we had more than enough pace to keep the others behind, so I think it’s deserved.”

RAI – “For reals, I am just fucking with y’all. I’m rockin’ this shit with my bad back. As soon as I climb in the car? Yeah, I kick off those Lotus boots and I hammer the pedals in my flip-flops. ‘Tyre Management’? Yeah, it’s called ‘driving with your flip-flops on’, bitches. I’m just here to make Ferrari feel jizzy about me coming (hah! I said ‘coming’) back to Big Red and to make Lotus and their funny Twitter feed soak their black wind-breakers with sad tears or regret. Nobody’s going to beat fucking VET.”

Romain Grosjean, 3rd
“It’s a fantastic result for the team. Of course, one step higher on the podium would have been better for me and two steps better would have been superb, but it didn’t quite work out that way. Our battle with Lewis (Hamilton) was good and our pace was great, but the two safety car periods hurt our attempts to battle for the win. After the restart I should have been in front of Kimi on the road, but it was my mistake which let him past. I went a bit wide in Turn 15 and got on the Astroturf – which is very slippery – and that let him get a run on me. Then there were yellow flags into Turn 3 so I couldn’t take the place back straight away. Of course, I was asking the team to let me past Kimi as I was on fresher tyres, but they left us to race which is our philosophy of fair play. You lose so much downforce in sectors two and three and obviously our cars are pretty close on performance so it’s pretty hard to pass, but we have to be very happy with a double podium.”

GRO – “I probably could’ve passed Kimi but I am not fucking stupid: I prefer my cock and balls as they are and not frozen off by the frosty blue breath of the Ice Dragon. If I had pulled that shit, passing Kimi, you know sometime in the next 24 hours, I’d step out of the bathroom or the shower or wherever and in a crystalline moment, my junk’d be iced, detached and tossed to the floor to shatter apart into a million bits. . . . . . . Not that that hasn’t happened, metaphorically, already, I guess. Hey! Double podium, though, right?”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 4th

“Today I drove one of the best races in my career so far. I have had cars in the mirrors before, but today there were a lot and it was a bit annoying. Lewis (Hamilton) really put the pressure on at the end, especially in the last sector. I knew I needed to get out of Turn 1 well. The car’s traction was very good today, so that kept me alive against Fernando and then Lewis later on. We were also very fast on the straight. I had a good start, although on the outside into Turn 1, which was a loss at first, but then I had a real good slip stream and was able to get past on the outside. A big thank you to the entire team for providing such an excellent car today.”

HUL – “Feel that heat, bitches?! That’s the Hulkenberg Fever y’all are feelin’!!! There ain’t no cure for the Hulkenberg Fever save one: SIGN MOTHER-FUCKIN’ HULKENBERG TO THE OPEN SEAT ON YOUR TEAM!!!! The line forms over there, bitches! Passing ‘Nando was fun. But, man, passing fuck-nuts Hamilton like he was standing still? Passing him and hearing his sobbing as I passed him? That was like hearing all the Kraftwerk all in my head all at once.”

Esteban Gutierrez, 11th
“I had a very good start, then I arrived at Turn 3 and saw what was going on. I tried to protect my position, my rears locked and that’s why I lost a couple of positions. To recover from that was quite a challenge. I had some good fights with Massa and Checo (Perez) coming from the back. Of course, I wanted to score points today, but this is racing. It’s a great experience and will help me to improve my race craft. We had good pace today and are definitely able to fight in the top ten.”

GUT – “I got kinda freaked out, being in 10th, thinking about the points I might get. Then Checo was all up my ass and I figured he’d just run me off the track to get what he wanted. Those guys from Guadalajara are fucking dicks. I decided that rather than roll the dice on the ‘Will-Checo-Run-You-Off-the-Track-Out-of-Pure-Spite’ lottery, I’d just let him pass.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 5th

“That was not a great day for us and it feels like we deserved more as a team. After Grosjean got ahead of me at the start, there was no way past and it seemed that we were losing out to others on traction cars all day. In my second stint, running the prime tyre, my right front was just destroyed all of a sudden. When that happens, you start losing temperature, understeering and locking up under braking, so it was really hard to maintain the pace in those laps. It was a really difficult part of the race but I had to get to a certain target lap before I made the final stop. After the safety car, we were just losing out in traction to the Sauber. Our car was really strong through the middle sector but not quick enough on the straights to stay ahead. It was a nice battle with Fernando but it’s hard to take when it’s only for P5 or P6. It was just not a good race for us today but we have the chance to bounce back in Suzuka.”

HAM – “Victim! Victim. Victim! Victim. Victim, victim, victim. . . . Victim! Vic. TIM! Victim! Victim? Victim. Bless.”

Nico Rosberg, 7th
“That was another very tough race for me. I couldn’t believe what happened with the wing: I was on course for a podium finish after overtaking Lewis and two seconds later, the front wing just broke. It was pretty scary because that could have been a dangerous situation but the engineers told me over the radio that it was under control and I could carry some speed back to the pits. It’s a shame because the car felt great today and I found a good balance and how to get the most out of the car, which I hadn’t managed until this point of the weekend. It’s been a real up and down season so far for me but it’s good that we have another race in a week’s time. Our car is very competitive and I had good pace compared to the cars on the podium. So I’m looking forward to the next races.”

ROS – “Haaaammmmy! Oh, Haaammmmyyy? The only reason I didn’t beat you again this week? THE FUCKING NOSE OF MY FUCKING CAR CAME FUCKING OFF! Did you see those sparks and shit? It was fucked up! My nose came off and I still came in only two spots behind you. That’s how much you fucking suck. Fucking Hulkenberg walked past you like you were standing still. THAT’S how much you suck. I am totally looking forward to seeing my penis angels in Suzuka!” 

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 6th

We knew this would be a difficult race and unfortunately the results confirmed the concerns we had already experienced on Friday, when we had a few problems with tyre degradation on the long run. It wasn’t a surprise to be off the pace in qualifying, as that’s been the case since the start of the season, but the fact that we didn’t have the pace in the race was one. Unfortunately, at the start, I couldn’t keep the Sauber behind me and that meant I had a particularly stressful race in terms of the tyres. What happened to Felipe at the third corner was not a problem for me: there were a lot of us there at that point and someone must have touched him. I tried to avoid him and continued without it affecting my race, because by then, I was already behind Hulkenberg. Now we must think only about Suzuka and try to get back on the podium, rediscovering the form we usually have on Sunday, that allows us to fight at the front. Vettel is a very long way off in terms of points, but above all in performance terms and we cannot expect miracles between now and the end of the championship. Second place in the constructors’ championship is probably a more realistic target, but one thing’s certain, we are not giving up now and we will give it our best shot right to the very end.”

ALO – “I’m pretty much packing up my ball and going home. Massa can fuck off. Seb can totally fuck off. Montezemolo can fuck off. I’m preemptively telling Kimi to fuck off. Pirelli? Yep, you can fuck off. I’ll just be over here with my dolly. . . I mean my Dasha dol. . . Dasha! I’ll just be over here with Dasha.”

Felipe Massa, 9th
“Today’s race was really very complicated, because my chances of getting a good result evaporated right from the first lap, when I found myself in the middle of a group, all of us fighting and I decided to go down the inside to try and brake later. Unfortunately, some of the cars were slower and in order to avoid driving into one of the Mercedes, I was forced to move over to the right, ending up in a spin. Luckily, the car was alright, but at that point I was contemplating a race from the back of the pack. Thanks to a few nice passing moves I still managed to bring home some points, which was a good thing compared to how it looked after the start. Today, we weren’t competitive and there were at least three or four teams quicker than us, including Sauber, but I hope this was mainly track dependent and that our car will be better suited to the Suzuka track.”

MAS – “Points, guys! More points! And even though I spun out! Points! And ‘Nando didn’t spin out and he barely got more points, guys! Guys? Guys? Points?”

Stefano Domenicali, Ferrari team principal
“After positive results in Belgium, Monza and Singapore, there’s no use denying that today’s result doesn’t make us happy. We were hoping to be able to attack the two Mercedes on the opening lap, as we knew we could deal with their race pace. Unfortunately, that was not the case and the incidents just after the start affected our race, wiping out any chance of getting close to the podium. In these conditions we didn’t manage to get the most out of our car and now the only thing we can do is keep our concentration high for the next round in Japan, where we get an immediate chance to redeem ourselves. Even if the drivers’ title is now an almost impossible target, we still have an obligation to continue to give our all to the very end of the championship, because we are still fighting for second place in the constructors’ championship.”

Domenicali – “It’s not like we’re fucking McLaren over here.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 8th

“Turn 3 was always going to be something of a mess on the first lap. And, sure enough, there was an incident; a car got hit, went wide and hit me. That contact damaged my front wing endplate. It didn’t really cause me too much of a problem in terms of staying with the cars in front, but it really started to hurt the temperatures, so we had to pit for a new nosebox on lap four. That cost me a bit of time. Our pace on the prime tyre was very good, however, and I was able to run two strong stints on the prime to stay in the hunt. During my second pit stop, the (pit-release) lights went green then went red again, so I briefly stopped as a precaution straight after I was released. I had a quick look behind me to check that everything was okay – everything seemed fine, so I continued. Considering those delays, eighth place wasn’t a bad result. Still, I was a bit gutted to lose seventh right at the end of the race. As soon as I lost the DRS to the bunch of cars in front, that was it for me: I couldn’t get any temperature back in the tyres. It was always going to be difficult with Nico (Rosberg) at the end: his tyres were almost 10 laps fresher than mine. I did 33 laps on my final set, whereas the previous set did 18! I’m really happy to have picked up those points – four points were about as good as it was going to get today.”

BUT – “Shit is so fucked up here, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. Ummmmm. . . .TYRES!”

Sergio Perez, 10th
“We definitely deserved more today – we were very unlucky. With regards to my tyre delamination, although that particular set was already quite old, I braked at the same point as normal and got a flat-spot from the lock-up. I’d done 21 laps with that set, when, all of a sudden, the front-right just exploded, destroying the front wing. It was lucky, because there weren’t any other cars around me. Still, from a team point of view, it’s very disappointing for a single incident like this to destroy the good progress we’d made all weekend. Regarding Felipe, we were racing very hard trying to get some points – on one occasion, I thought he was going to leave me more space, then he turned in, I tried to brake and we touched a little bit. On the second incident, I thought I had the corner. I’m pleased that the stewards felt there was no need for any further action – it was just racing.”

PER – “Shit is so fucked up here, the stewards don’t even give a shit anymore. Luck. Yeah, luck. We’re so unlucky: I was told to be careful with the tyres, then I locked up, burning the mother-fucker down to the belt and I was so unlucky when the tyre delaminated. Huh? Normal braking? Well, yeah, isn’t that how everyone brakes? With smoke and more smoke and rubber flying everywhere? THAT’S HOW WE ROLL IN THE DISTRICTO FEDERAL, YOOO!!! Represent!”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 12th
“I was a bit unlucky with the incident on the first lap as I was blocked and lost a position whereas others were able to make up places. The first stint was difficult as I was struggling with the supersoft tyre, but the pace improved a lot in the second stint on the mediums and the safety cars allowed me to close in on the top ten. In the end it was all about making sure we still had the grip in the tyres to fight for some points in the final laps, but I think 12th was a fair result as the cars that finished ahead of us had better pace all weekend.”

BOT – “I’m getting tired of leading MAL across the finish line just so he doesn’t get lost on the way. I totally could’ve come in 11th otherwise. Can’t they just put GPS into his steering wheel and then I can just race my race?”

Pastor Maldonado, 13th
“I had a very good first lap, moving up to ninth after an incident at turn three allowed me to make up a lot of places. I tried to maintain my position in the top ten but the safety cars hindered my race today as the cars behind were able to keep closing up behind me, and after the second restart they just had too much pace and were able to overtake. It’s disappointing not to finish in the points but the end result is a fair reflection of our performance this weekend and we need to work hard to find some gains for the race next weekend in Japan.”

MAL – “Part of growing up, HAM, is just accepting your lot in life.”

Caterham
Charles Pic, 14th

“That was a good race for me I had a good, clean start but into Turn 3 I had to go off track to avoid Massa who’d spun and lost a couple of places. I made them up and for both the first and second stints the car balance felt good. We’d started on supersofts and they held up well for the first stint so we pitted on schedule and re-joined on a set of new mediums. As I say, the car balance felt good and I was on plan when the first safety car came out so we boxed right away for the second stop and at that stage we were looking at a long final stint to the flag. However, then the second safety car was brought out almost immediately and that obviously helped with the tyre management for the final stint. I did have some issues with the front right for the last few laps but nothing too bad so I got the car to the flag in 14th which is a decent result for us – not quite where we want to be but almost!”

PIC – “I would’ve finished higher but, my god, did you see all that clag kim-chi all over the track?! I was so pumped when I heard we would be running super-softs in Korea ’cause I knew that meant loads and loads of kim-chi. So, like, after about 12 laps, I had to stop, bury some clag in a clay pot. The safety car was awesome, ’cause then I stopped and dug up the kim-chi and no one even noticed. I even had had some nice, smoked kim-chi from near Mark’s car. Mmmmm. . . .. Resin-y.”

Giedo van der Garde, 15th
“My start was great, really strong and when everyone was moving to avoid Massa in Turn 3 I had to push out wide to avoid contact with a few cars around me. I really don’t think I’d pushed any other cars out on purpose on lap one but I was told to box for a drive-through penalty because of what the stewards saw and from there my race was pretty much over. I served the penalty and then had to box again immediately as the supersofts I’d started on were done, so even though I was up as high as 12th in the first stint I re-joined in 22nd and set about catching up Chilton and Bianchi. I was up close to Chilton just when the safety car came out and the team did a great job to help me get past him with a really quick stop on the first safety-car lap. That sort of teamwork needs to be mentioned as it plays such a critical role in the overall race, so the boys deserve a thank you for that.The second safety car came out almost immediately when Mark’s car caught fire and then when we restarted I had a bit of a lock-up at the end of the main straight and Bianchi got past, but within a couple more laps I regained the place and was back behind Charles in 17th. I had a flat spot from that point in the race but kept pushing and finally finished in 15th, just behind Charles. Without the drive-through I’m sure I could have finished higher, maybe not up in 13th, but close and while that’s obviously frustrating today, it shows how close it’s getting and that’s good for my motivation and the whole team.”

GAR – “All these words when a hearty ‘MEH!’ would do nicely. Giedo, Giedo, remember: you don’t get paid by the word.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 16th

“I was hoping to be able to have a good fight with the Caterhams today and despite the setback of the grid penalty I was in a good position after the first couple of corners of the opening lap. It wasn’t too long before we had to focus our efforts on tyre management and the first two stints were pretty tough as we were not able to push. In the third stint, when there was less to lose, we could give it more of a shot but it was not enough to try to take a position from them. We have a tough job on our hands in these next five races and it will require every bit of our focus and concentration, but we know what we have to do and everyone is working very hard for that. My thanks to the team as it is not just tough in the cockpit!”

BIA – “This shit is still hard!”

Max Chilton, 17th
“Overall, a good team result today as we achieved the right outcome for our bigger picture. I think we were lacking a little in terms of our expected race pace but also we were unable to really push because of the need to manage our way through each stint with the tyres. The opening lap melée set me back a little but then I caught back up to Jules and the two safety cars meant that we never had the blue flag situation to worry about. The pit stops were really slick and I think we did everything we could. We are much closer to the Caterham cars, we know that, but we need to be able to carry that through into the race to make things a little more comfortable. ”

CHI – “GUYS! HEY! WOW! I THINK WE ARE TOTALLY GETTING THE HANG OF THIS RACING THING! IT IS REALLY FUN! AND, LIKE, THE PIT STOPS WERE FAST AND THERE WEREN’T ANY CONFUSING BLUE FLAGS. DUDES! WE DIDN’T EVEN GET LAPPED THIS RACE!!!! THIS SHIT IS AAAAWWWSSSOOOOMMMMMME!!!!!”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 18th

“At the moment, we’re not quite sure what happened in the end. I felt the car pull to one side and something was clearly not right, so the team called me into the pits. Starting from 16th, this was always going to be a difficult weekend and after I made up a few places in the early stages, I began to suffer with tyre degradation, so I agreed when the team decided to switch me from a two to a three stop strategy. I just want to get to Suzuka and start again now, but we will need to do a lot of work if we want to return to the performance level we should have had here.”

VER – “Get me the fuck out of Korea.”

Daniel Ricciardo, 19th
“I think we did all we could today in the race. I had a decent first stint and tried to run as long as possible on the Prime tyre. The car wasn’t perfect but it was good enough to be in a points position with a few laps to go and I was hanging on nicely to ninth. It’s deja vu, as I had the same scenario here last year, when I came down to Turn 3 with a few laps to go, I braked and the car immediately shot to the left. That time it cost me one place. Once I got out of the cockpit this time, I could see there was a mechanical problem at the front left corner. Personally, I was really pleased with my performance in the car today. Maybe we didn’t have a top-ten car but I was able to fight in the top ten. But for myself and the team it’s frustrating to get no reward. Now all we can do is look ahead to Suzuka.”

RIC – “Man, I can’t wait to get into the real RBR car. One that’ll just do what you tell it t. . . . . Wait, what? I get Mark’s old car next season? Fuck.”

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 20th

“I was quite unlucky on the first lap because after Massa spun everybody headed for the inside and somebody hit me on the side of my front wing. The damage was not too bad but I still had to pit for a new one. As the race went on I was able to fight back quite well and after the safety car I was in P12 and not planning to pit again. At the restart I lost the rear of the car under braking for Turn 3. I really don’t know why because I was not braking late and the car just snapped. I hit Webber so I apologise for ending his race. It’s a disappointing end to the race because I believe there was still a chance of a point.”

SUT – “Jesus Christ: you just look at that number two RBR car the wrong way and the fucking thing catches on fire. Am I right people!?”

Paul di Resta, DNF
“I have to hold my hands up and apologise to the team. Maybe I took a little bit too much kerb and that sent me off the track. The way we’ve set the car up means it has been quite edgy and difficult to drive, and that’s what has caught me out today, although whether it has cost us points is hard to say. The performance in the race was not where we wanted it to be and the front tyres were wearing out too quickly. So we need to have a rethink ahead of Suzuka and go there determined to have a clean race.”

RES – “Are we supposed to be finishing these races?”

2013 Singapore Grand Prix, Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

“Even you, Roscoe, fuck you. You’ve all been against me from the start.”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“It’s just been a fantastic weekend. The start was close, but then we had strong race pace, especially when the safety car came in, and we pushed very hard to try to build up a gap. You never know what’s coming up and what can happen. The last ten laps seemed to go on forever inside the car. I kept my concentration by reminding myself how easily you can make a mistake around here, the walls are close and if you don’t pay enough attention it can go wrong pretty quickly. I focused on hitting the brakes correctly and on saving the tyres. We didn’t expect to be that strong, but it’s a team effort. Everyone is pushing hard and I think the secret, if there is one, is that we love what we do and we’re so passionate. The conditions aren’t great here with the heat, but the team always pushes hard and I think that’s what makes the difference. I’d like to say to everyone working for team that it’s a privilege for me to be driving the car you have built.“

VET – “This car. This car. Not the No. 2 car. It’s a privilege to drive the car that actually makes it across the finish line and doesn’t abandon you on the highway and then you have to hitchhike back to the paddock like some jumpsuited, 5-o’clock shadowed version of Even Cowgirls get the Blues. Perhaps, though, if I had the No. 2 car, I might not have to struggle to maintain my concentration, tapping the brakes, singing German victory songs to myself, driving with my knees while I practice harmonica. I’m telling you guys: between here and Monza, I’ve just about perfected my cover of Sonny Boy Williamson’s ‘Don’t Start Me Talkin’!”

Mark Webber,15th
“I think I did pretty much everything I could today. We had pace in the car when we needed, we managed the tyres and made a very good undercut on Nico, I was really happy with that lap. Then six laps from the end, the guys were getting worried about the car. So, yeah, it’s annoying but someone’s had a tougher day than me somewhere and that’s the way it goes. I was having to short shift, but then, unlike Monza, we started to lose a lot of power. We were just trying to get home at that point but then on the last lap we caught fire.”

WEB – “I’m feeling rather sanguine, now, about this race, the fire, the self-destruct button that Cristian keeps in a small, rosewood box along with my daily supply of razors. ‘Nando and I shared a moment out there on the track. The kind of moment that can only be shared by two guys with incredible facial hair. So, right now, I’m feeling ok. I hope Daniel enjoys having the rug pulled out from under him every time he starts to enjoy a race. Assholes. There: the bliss of my quality time with Fernando is starting to wear off. . . Hey, guess what? Hey, Red Bull Racing!? You can take your fucking bitching about fucking Constructor’s Points and my lack of earning them AND STICK THAT AND THIS NO. 2 CAR UP YOUR FUCKING AAAAAASSSSSSSSSEZZZZZZZZZ. You fucking pricks! But, um, can I get my razors before I go?”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 2nd

“Today’s second place is like a victory for us, at the end of a difficult weekend on a track where it’s very tricky to overtake. The key points of this race were the start and the strategy and, in both cases, the decisions taken proved to be the right ones, even if they were aggressive choices. At the start, I managed to pass four cars, helped by having watched the starts from previous races here, but then I couldn’t pass Rosberg. The decision to pit when the safety car came out paid off, even if it wasn’t easy to get to the finish with the tyres on the limit. Fortunately, thanks to the advantage I had over Raikkonen and Webber, we were able to manage the situation over the final laps: if I’d been in a group, it would have been like the end of a horror movie! Now the gap to the championship leaders has increased and apart from congratulating them, because they deserve to be where they are, we must be realistic, because to win the title now, we would need a lot of luck. Sure, we cannot think of giving up right now because if that luck does show up, then we will be there to take it.”

ALO – Here’s the deal: none of this matters, right? The goddamn VET-Bot 2000 is fucking unstoppable. All I can do now is hold off Hammy and Kimi and console myself amidst the soft, supple limbs of my completely of-age girlfriend. Look: I’m the highest-paid driver of the world’s most recognizable car with the hottest girlfriend, well, ever. I almost feel bad for the VET-Bot. You know, he does have this awesome attachment that opens the big can of tomatoes we use to make marinara at the driver parties. I can’t help but wonder if he showed off those features on the podium that people might stop booing. Anyway, I have to go. WEB and I are going to give one another a therapeutic shave with straight razors and talk about coming in second.”

Felipe Massa, 6th
“Given everything that happened in today’s race, sixth place is a really good result. After a fantastic start, at the first corner I found myself stuck inside the cars that had braked early and, at that point I lost places instead of making up some. From then on, I was always stuck behind other cars and we all know how hard it is to overtake at this track. When the safety car came out, we had two options: to fit the medium tyres, with which we weren’t sure to go all the way to the end, or the supersofts, to try and regain some places. We went for the second option, but Di Resta was ahead of me on the same tyres and so I was stuck behind him. In the final stint after the third stop, I managed to retake sixth place, making the most of the fact that many were struggling with their tyres. It was tough from start to finish and I am very happy to have brought home a good points haul.”

MAS – “Guys! Guys! Still here, guys! Points! I got some points, guys! Tyres! We had to use some tyre strategy! Then there was a safety car! Guys! I got some points! You know how hard it is to pass here, right? Without crashing! It’s hard! Guys! Guys! Guys? Points, guys. Fuck it: I’m waiting ’til the garage clears out and i’m totally pooping on ‘Nando’s Ferrari car seat thingy.”

Lotus
Kimi Raikkonen, 3rd

“It’s been a difficult weekend, so to finish on the podium is a good result. The car felt good and it could have been even better if I’d been able to do more work in practice, but even with a better qualifying performance I think third was the maximum we could achieve today. The problem with my back hasn’t been ideal, but it felt much better than yesterday and I didn’t really notice it in the race, only afterwards. I have some time to recover before Korea and we were pretty strong there last year, so let’s see what we can do next time out.”

RAI – “At first, this weekend, I thought that I would show Lotus how very little I care. Ambivalence is my calling card, yes? Then, when I got out there, the ice dragon, Lohikäärme, came down out of the sky and blew this really refreshing blast of cold fire onto my pinched nerve. It really did the trick! What can’t these Ice Dragons do? You wouldn’t know from the NBCS feed, but, pain-free and ice-blessed, I then passed a shit-load of cars until I was in third. I was just close enough that I could hear the VET-Bot 2000 squawking on that damn harmonica.”

Romain Grosjean, DNF
“The race was going pretty well and I think a second or third place finish was a realistic prospect. We had a good strategy pitting under the safety car and we should have finished well, but unfortunately today my engine had other ideas. We lost air pressure and the team tried to fix the problem by topping it up with an additional pit stop, but that didn’t work so we had to retire which is never what you want to happen.”

GRO – “I watched that ‘air-pressure’ pit stop on YouTube. Every other suggested video fell under the ‘fucking painfully long and sad’ label and they were all videos from wedding receptions where someone was so drunk and not putting down the mic, talking about the time the bride was giving them the most awesome blow-job and that was just last week. That’s how painful that pit stop was. I asked Kimi’s ice dragon for a little air boost and he just laughed a frosty laugh: “Ha-ha. No: you’re French.” And then he flew off and it made me sad. Confidential to Eric: I don’t care who drives with me next year, but I sure-as-shit had better get Kimi’s car!”

Mercedes
Nico Rosberg, 4th

“I had a good start today and the pace of our car was really strong. The safety car was unfortunate timing for us and perhaps it wasn’t the best decision to stay out but, at the time, we weren’t sure if our tyres would be able to last the distance. I then had some rubber trapped in my front wing after the safety car period which cost me quite a lot of performance for some laps and had an impact on my race because the tyres suffered more than would be normal. We could perhaps have been second today but events in the race just didn’t go our way so it is a little disappointing to only finish in fourth place. We now need to learn from this weekend and focus on the next race in Korea.”

ROS – “Again: Angels, dancing, on my dick. Coming, in my jumpsuit. Listening to fucknuts-Hamilton bitching on the radio is like little, magic elves tickling my balls while the angels dance on my dick. It’s a goddamn good thing WEB and ALO didn’t pull that shit in front of me because I was totally not paying attention as I was fucking jizzing in my jumpsuit. It would’ve been awkward, too, post-crash, explaining why ‘I can’t get out of the car just now’.”

Lewis Hamilton, 5th
“That was a really tough race, probably the most physically demanding of the year. We tried our best and the car felt good but unfortunately we paid the price for not qualifying further ahead yesterday. I didn’t have the best start and had to go wide to avoid Mark at turn one. From there, it was difficult to follow the race and my position. Whilst the timing of the safety car definitely didn’t help us, we need to go back through our strategy and see what we could possibly have done differently in that situation. I’m not sure we could have done what Fernando and Kimi did by staying out on that set of tyres for so long, though. Of course, it’s a little disappointing to come away with only fifth place but I gave it my all out there and we’ll come back stronger. Our aim is to get back ahead of Ferrari in the constructors championship and see if we can get another win before the end of the season.”

HAM – “Victim victim victim. Victim. Victim, victim. Victim? Victim. Victim, victim and victim: victim. Victim. Victim victim – victim, victim – victim. (Victim). Bless.

McLaren
Jenson Button, 7th

“We thought we might have a chance of a podium, but in the end we didn’t have the pace to keep us ahead of the closing cars. It was good fun trying though, and we have to take risks if we want to get podium finishes this year. We expected to spend most of the race on the option tyre, so we’d set the car up for that. The prime tyre didn’t work so well for me, and having to hold Kimi off for so long destroyed my rear tyres and made things very tricky. In the end, as I say, we simply didn’t have enough pace to stop him overtaking. It was a good try though, and a P7 finish isn’t too bad. We couldn’t have done any better with a different strategy, I’m certain of that, and I’m glad we got some good points for the team.”

BUT – “Hey! Points! Hi! We’re McLaren and we’re excited to just have some points!”

Sergio Perez, 8th
“I think we should be satisfied with today’s result – as Jenson says P7 and P8 was probably the best we could have achieved today. In my view the safety car came at the wrong time for us, so we had to take a risk by choosing to drive to the finish with two pit stops. It was pretty tough to keep the car out of the barriers – not to crash yet to lose too much lap time – but as I say I think it was the right choice. Last but not least, although P7 and P8 isn’t brilliant, it’s the best we could have hoped for – and I dearly hope it’ll put a smile on the faces of my people, in my country, Mexico, who really need something to smile about at this very difficult time.”

PER – “I keep racking my brain for a decent Mexican translation of ‘turd polishing’, but I can’t think of anything. I come from this amazing country that’s pretty fucked up. It’s fucked up, but we kind of manage to have a good time so, in essence, our national identity is sort of a living version of turd polishing. So, there you go: McLaren 2013! The only metaphor that perfectly represents you is Mexico itself. Now, about this fucking national soccer team bullshit! What the fuck? Seriously, I come in 8th and that’s the goddamn salve for my country!? Breathe, Checo, breathe. Just think of that nice, cold Tecate waiting for you at the end of this nightmare season. A Tecate, some nopales and a al pastor. Focus, Checo, foooocussss.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 9th
“All in all we can be happy. We brought home two points. To be honest, I didn’t expect much more than that. You can’t expect that every weekend will be like Monza now, but we improved significantly. It was a very tough race. I had a very good start and then a racing situation with Sergio Perez. In the end, I did have to give back the position to him and I don’t quite agree with that. There was a Williams in the fight as well, Sergio was on the inside, but I had to leave space and caught the outer kerb. Then my car bottomed and I was off, however, I was in front of Sergio before and after the corner. At the end, it was a pure fight for survival, because the tyres were pretty much gone. Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton and Mark Webber were all on fresh tyres and I simply had to focus on staying on track and finishing the race.”

HUL – “We’re all just back here, fucking fighting like hyenas over the little scraps of victory left behind once the VET-Bot 200 is done feasting on the giant carcass of total domination.”


Esteban Gutierrez, 12th
“We expected a better result today. Our pace during the race was not good enough, especially at the beginning as I was fighting a lot with the car. At times I pushed a bit too much, had a lot of oversteer and the tyres were degrading. It was one of the toughest races I have ever had. I did the best I could and this is where we finished. The strategy was not ideal either. Nevertheless, the weekend was a step forward and now I will keep working to improve.”

GUT – “I can’t quite decide who to blame, so I’ll just spread it out all thin and watery over everything that occurs to me. Was there a full moon this weekend? That was probably it. What? There wasn’t? Well, that’s why.”

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 10th
“It was a tough race and exhausting in the end. So it feels great to come away with a point and it’s a small motivation for the whole team. In the closing laps of the race I was catching the train of cars in front of me – Perez, Button and Hulkenberg. I thought I had a chance to get ahead of at least one of them, but as soon as I reached the back of the train my tyres went off. In fact, we were all struggling with tyres and I couldn’t attack anymore because it felt like driving on ice. So I’m happy to take the point and it’s well deserved by the whole team.”

SUT – “F1 conga line, you suck balls. Fucking MAL had his hands all over my hips, like, more than just the light touch you use when you don’t really want to be touching someone. He was, like, enjoying my hips. It was weird. That must be why he hits people so often: he’s one those ‘touchy’ people.”

Paul di Resta, 20th
“It’s such a shame to come away with nothing to show from a race where we had put ourselves in a position to score some valuable points. The management of the tyres was good and the overall performance in race conditions was very strong. Even without the safety car we were in good shape, but as a team we made the right calls and were looking to challenge the train of cars ahead of us in the final few laps. Then I had the incident at turn seven. I’m still not sure what happened, but I took the corner the same way as I had done the previous lap and the car went straight on and wouldn’t stop. The team is investigating what happened.”

DIR – “I heard this lonesome harmonica playing as the Vet-Bot lapped me and that really distracted me as it made me feel very melancholy. So I was trying to figure out why I felt so sad, then I was thinking about this spanking my father gave me once and there I was in the wall.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 11th
“We recovered two places at the start and after a couple of laps we were pushing towards the cars in front whilst also trying to manage the rear tyres. My tyre management was good throughout the race and I was able to push hard in the final stages on the super soft tyres. We just missed out on points in the end, but we’ll be looking to progress a step further in the next race.”

MAL – “We had this awesome conga line going and you could hear bongos and I had this vision of everyone in feathery shirts and tight pants. SUT kept pulling away from me, but I could tell he liked the way I was rough with him. Too bad about the points.”

Valtteri Bottas, 13th
“It was one of the most difficult races of the whole season for me today. Immediately at the start we had a problem with the clutch which meant we lost a few positions. After the safety car we had a few problems with debris in the front wing, which made the car difficult to drive. These limiting factors meant we couldn’t go any faster today and so we did the best we could with what we had.”

BOT – “I was on the back end of the conga line, watching MAL groping SUT, feeling kinda glad the car wasn’t faster.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 14th
“My start was not the best and, in an effort to compensate for that, we switched from a two stop to a three stop strategy and I believe it could have paid off in terms of getting me back into the points. However, I then found I was having a lot of trouble just keeping the car on track and my tyres were completely worn out at the end, by which time, I had already been told to back off as the car was overheating. This is always a long, tough race and it felt particularly long for me, as I had no one to fight against in the closing stages, apart from working to keep the car away from the barriers. I always try to look on the positive side and in that respect, the updates we brought here seemed to work and we have learned a lot about the car. Therefore I still believe we can have a strong end to the season, starting in Korea, where I expect the car to work very well.”

VER – “Blergh.”

Daniel Ricciardo, DNF
“The crash was my error, trying to make up for lost ground. At the start, my car just seemed to sit there without moving off the line. It was very frustrating to lose so many places right away. I think I went down five places from ninth on the grid to fourteenth. So I was on the back foot from then on, just trying to do the best I could. In the second stint, my engineer came on the radio and said ‘the pace is good, keep pushing.’ I was aware that for the pace we had, we were not doing too badly and maybe at the end I was just trying to get too much out of it and made that mistake. It’s a delicate corner with not much run-off and I went too deep into the apex. I then braked a bit harder, locked a wheel and went into the wall. It’s not a mistake I’m used to making. I will learn from this.”

RIC – “Bernie could hear the TV sets turning off all across the Eurozone so he made the call. I already had some puppet-strings installed in my body as part of my contract with Red Bull. All Bernie had to do was sign into the server, take over my body and I toodled into that wall for all of F1 and Bernie and, well, really just Bernie.”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 16th
“That was a tough race but for me a really good one – I have to say I really enjoyed myself out there tonight! Fighting with the Williams for most of the race was great, really good and I’m pleased for Tony and Kamarudin that we could put in a performance like that back in South East Asia. After a bit of a poor start I was past Charles, Bianchi and Bottas by the end of lap one and was up behind Sutil until the first stop. The car was absolutely great on the super softs – my pace in the first stint was really strong, the same as the cars up to 12th and it just felt great for the whole first stint. We boxed for a set of mediums on lap 12 and re-joined in 18th, still ahead of Bottas who was on super softs for the second stint. With the pace advantage that compound has here there wasn’t a lot I could do to hold him off and he passed me about three laps later. When the safety car came out we boxed for another set of mediums and after the race re-started my pace was good again. I was right up with Bottas and then passed him again when he went off a couple of laps into the stint. As the fuel levels dropped he got past me again so we focused on catching Charles who had stayed out on a two stop plan. With a long final stint he was managing his tyres and I was catching him at about two seconds a lap, and just before he had to make the final stop I passed him and then held 16th to the flag. As I say, it’s good to have had a strong race here and I’m pleased for the whole team that we could fight with Williams for a lot of the race. I’m now staying out in the Far East for a break before Korea and even though tonight’s race was tough physically I’m already looking forward to getting back in the car.”

GAR – “Still just happy to be here!”

Charles Pic, 19th
“Even though I finished 19th I’m not too disappointed. We tried a two-stop strategy but this time it didn’t work out – sometimes plans like that work, sometimes they don’t and this was one of those days. Away from the line I had a pretty good start but had to move aside to avoid Bianchi and was then stuck behind him for most of the first stint. Just before we were due to box I passed him and opened up a gap within a couple of laps so the first stop wasn’t so much of a fight. I was back out on track on a new set of mediums, clear of him and immediately started pushing on to my teammate. When the safety car came out I boxed early, re-joining in 19th on another set of mediums and right up with Giedo after his stop. The car felt okay at that point – the tyres were performing really well and when Giedo came in again we made the call to switch to a two stop strategy. I had a lot of laps left so I had to manage the pace so I could look after the tyres to the end but with six laps left the rears were gone so we had to come in again. My race was effectively over at that point because, even with the big pace advantage I had on the super softs, we used in the final stint I didn’t have enough laps to catch the cars ahead.”

PIC – “Did you guys see all the clag all over the track?! It was like a freaking buffet of clag! It was like one of those Argentinian restaurants where they just walk around with big skewers of meat and you flip a card to green and they walk up with the meat but, here, instead of meat, it was clag, glorious clag. I was so fucking stuffed on clag, I got drowsy and let Smilin’ Max Chilton pass me and I didn’t even fucking care.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 17th
“What started off as quite a tough race with the balance then thankfully improved and in the end it was not a bad race for us. Once again we got another two car finish out of it which is good for the team and we maintain our 10th place in the championship. The degradation was quite high and it was a tough challenge to manage the tyres and still try to push for opportunities with Caterham, which came along when Pic stopped late in the race enabling us to gain an extra place. Overall I’m pleased with my first night race and have enjoyed the whole Singapore experience.”

CHI – “GUYS! FUCKING 17TH PLACE!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?! I CROSSED THE LINE AND SAW CARS IN MY MIRROR AND REALIZED IT WASN’T JUST SEBASTIAN, LAPPING ME AGAIN, AND I WAS ALL, ‘WHHHHHHAAAAAAA????!!!!’ THIS IS SO AWESOME! O LOVE F1!!!”

Jules Bianchi, 18th
“I was hoping for better today but the first half of the race didn’t go at all well for me. Just as I was stopping for the first time I lost the gears and I was worried it was mechanical but we stopped again to change the steering wheel and the problem thankfully went away. The second stint was tough because I was so far back by then and it was looking like it would be a very long and lonely race, also hitting the blue flag phase much earlier than usual. When the safety car came out it helped enormously as we were able to catch up and unlap ourselves. After struggling with traction initially I was then able to get into a good rhythm with strong pace. I was quicker but whilst trying to pass my team mate my tyres went away completely and we had to stop again much earlier than plan. After that, having seen the degradation we were incurring trying to push, I had no option but to hold back but at least I was able to gain a place when Pic stopped again at the end. Some difficult points in the race but what matters is the team result.”

BIA – “It’s going to be fucking ten days before CHI stops smiling about this race. I’m going to find the nearest noodle shop and hide out until Korea.”

2013 Italian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

"Eat your 'heart' out, VET-Bot 2000!!"

“Eat your ‘heart’ out, VET-Bot 2000!!”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“It’s fantastic to win this event again. I just managed to make turn one! I locked the front right and it just didn’t seem to come back. I had a big flat spot, which I felt straight away and I wasn’t sure if the tyre would survive, but fortunately I managed to make it round and have a strong first stint. I pushed straight away to get a bit of a gap, in case we had to stop early and change to a two stop strategy. We had a gearbox issue and I had to short shift, which meant we dropped some time in the straights – but I tried to make it up in the corners. It’s great to finish on the top step. The podium here is always very passionate. We are in Italy and when you walk around outside the track, you see Ferrari clothing and merchandise in all the shops starting from the smallest sizes upwards; it’s part of their DNA, which I understand. It was great for the Tifosi to have Fernando on the podium today. The season is going well and we’re pushing hard, but we take each race as it comes. We’re looking forward to Singapore next, which I want to finish; I think it’s the toughest race we have all year.”

VET – “They introduced a new sub-routine to my positrons this week. It’s one where I attempt to inject some drama into my absolute dominance: ‘My tyre had a flat spot! I thought I might not make it! I ‘managed’ to make it around!’. Obviously, though, the programming needs some tweaking: Look at me people! I’m chatting up the fucking MERCH! Even Darth fucking Vader remained more engaged with the pathetic rebellion. By Austin, my entire post-race quote will just be about the crazy belt buckles I saw this weekend in Texas!”

Mark Webber, 3rd
“It’s a great place here and it’s very special to finish on the podium. It’s not the circuit where I’ve had the best results in the past, so it’s a bit of a personal best for me in qualifying and the race. I felt better on the soft tyres today; I had a good battle with Fernando, fair play to him on that and then afterwards I settled in to getting my head down and getting on with the race. We got Felipe on the stop, which was great. I was happy with my in lap, the pit stop was great and then my out lap was strong, so we cleared him reasonably comfortably. We had to nurse the gearbox a bit at the end, but overall it was a good result. Seb is very strong around here and it was great to get such a good result today.”

WEB – “Good luck scoring Constructor’s Points next season, bitches!”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 2nd

“Stepping onto the Monza podium is always a special feeling, as it’s the only one where you can feel all the love that the fans have for the team and it’s the best prize at the end of what was an almost perfect weekend. ‘Almost’ because our championship rivals won and we send them our congratulations. We went well on both Friday and Saturday, getting both cars in the top five, but Red Bull was able to do better. When Vettel pitted, we were still doing green sector times and so we opted to lengthen the stint as much as possible, at least while Webber was not becoming a threat. That way, we could have tried to get Vettel on Hard tyres that were fresher by a few laps. We tried our best and even if we have to be realistic about our championship chances, as it’s not an easy task to close down a 53 point gap in the few remaining races, in Formula 1 anything can happen and we will believe in our chances all the way to the finish line in Brazil, always trying to give a hundred percent.”

ALO – “Yep, we thought it would be a great strategy to stay out on old tyres, trying to stretch a lead out on the fresh-rubbered VET-Bot 2000. In other news, rather than war-game race strategies, we recently doubled the budget of our ‘Lying-to-Ourselves-About-Our-Chances” department.”

Felipe Massa, 4th
“I am very happy with my race, which went fantastically well right from the beginning, thanks to a nice start which moved me up two places. The pace was good on both compounds and we ran consistently throughout the whole race. It was a shame I lost the place to Webber at the pit stop, because today, the podium was within our grasp and it would have been brilliant to celebrate with our fans at our home race. Today, overtaking wasn’t easy, because, when you find yourself behind another car, especially in the second sector, you loose a lot of downforce. Overall, the weekend has been very positive for me and for the whole team. We brought home a good points haul, but we know we still have a lot of work to do if we want to improve. As far as that’s concerned, I will be doing my utmost right to the very end of the Championship.”

MAS – “Is Italy over? Can I breathe again? Can there be a trophy for the driver who most performs when every shred of his being needs him to, when the last vestiges of his dignity require some sort of respectable outcome to a single race? Would that fit on a large plaque, at least? Thank god fucking HUL screwed the pooch on that start!”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 5th

“It’s a great result and, after yesterday, another great performance by the team today. I am very happy and fifth was the ideal result. Despite starting third, it was always clear keeping the Ferrari and Red Bulls behind was not realistic. I lost two places right at the start, but then the pace was good and, especially towards the end, I was able to catch up quite a bit again. I kept the Mercedes behind with Rosberg leaving no room for me making any mistakes. It’s a very nice result for the team, and finally we have some points again. I hope this will give us some momentum, so we can carry this form on to the next couple of races.”

HUL – “Were it not MAS being fueled by some insane, NOS-like concoction of desperation and terror at the start, I would’ve done ever better! Fucking momentum! Momentum, like all the fucking fickle girlfriends I had in grade school; momentum can go fuck itself.”

Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“The start of the race was quite reasonable. I gained one place, but the first corner was tricky. It was important to keep the car together. I was able to settle down well during the first few laps. I was trying to manage the tyres as best I could, but, of course, you can’t compromise too much. Overall, it was a good race. Obviously, we cannot be happy, because it’s not a great result. However, the race was positive. Now we have to improve in qualifying, so we can start in a better position. I’m confident we will get there.”

GUT – “All this talk about Mr. Fever over there and what team he may or may not go to and here I am, honing my platitudes to a razor’s edge. Can a hermano get some fucking respect over here, yo?!”


Mercedes
Nico Rosberg, 6th

“This hasn’t been one of our best weekends and it feels like everything was a little compromised from the outset. It’s a real shame as the pace of the car looked really good in the race but we weren’t able to take full advantage because of the issues from yesterday. It’s so important here to feel comfortable with the set-up and I wasn’t able to get the car as I wanted after losing the time in third practice. I tried everything to overtake Hulkenberg for the extra place today but he was very quick at the end and it didn’t work out. Now we’ll look forward to Singapore in a couple of weeks. I love street circuits so hopefully that will be a better weekend for us.”

ROS – “Heh. Still came in ahead of HAM and his fucking pity parade. I could give a shit less about the car or how this season plays out: every fucking time I cross the line ahead of him, a harem of feathery angels dances on my dick until I come inside jumpsuit. HUL can think he fought me off all he wants. Truth is: I was getting off.”

Lewis Hamilton, 9th
“That was a difficult weekend for me but these things happen and you have to say that it’s been a good year so far. I gave it my all out there today; the pace of the car was great but unfortunately we paid the price for not qualifying far enough up the field. My radio failed right at the start of the race and it’s really tough when that happens as you rely on the advice and information from the team to manage your race. I didn’t even know about the slow puncture until after the race so now it makes more sense why we had to make the extra stop. I did have some fun this afternoon, particularly fighting with Kimi. It’s just tough fighting so far down the field when our car was clearly really quick. We’ll keep pushing together as a team and I know that we’ll bounce back for Singapore. We’ll be giving it everything to make up for this weekend with a stronger performance there.”

HAM – “Yeah, it was a problem that my radio wasn’t working ’cause, when my radio’s not working, I don’t have any opportunity to broadcast my suffering to the world and, if I can’t broadcast my suffering to the world, then I have no opportunity to enjoy the feeling of of forcing the world to see me as the center of the universe and, if I’m not the center of the universe, than I am nothing. It’s also a bitch because, when they can’t give me orders, then the only person to blame for failure is me. . . And the tyres. . . . and the car. . . . and the other drivers. . . . .and my dog. . . . . and my dad. . . . . and god. . . . .Wait! Not my dad. So, um, never give up? (H)ard (A)s a (M)otherfucker?”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 7th

“I am pleased with that! After qualifying well yesterday, it was nice to maintain that position at the end of today. In recent races where we have managed to qualify in the top ten, we didn’t have the pace to stay there in the race, but today we did. I think I got the most out of the car, managing to keep the guys behind me and the low downforce set up certainly helped us down the straights. The others got close to me in the second sector, but I was able to pull away once we got to the high speed sections, which we knew from yesterday would be our strong point. We must keep pushing hard on the car development for the next few races, because hopefully, a top five finish is not too far away.”

RIC – “Blah-der-beee. Blah-blah. I could give a rat’s ass. I’m going to be the VET-Bot’s bottom boy next season! It will be an honor to have them give me the shitty gearbox, the loose wheel nuts and then shit all over me for coming in 4th and 3rd every race.”

Jean-Eric Vergne, DNF
“Everything was going well, I wasn’t actually in a battle at the time and was conserving my tyres and controlling Button behind me quite easily. Then I felt something was wrong and had to stop at the side of the track. I said on the radio I thought the engine had gone, but actually it was still running and it seems I had some sort of transmission problem. A real shame, especially as I knew my final stint on the hard compound tyre would be even stronger. I would definitely have finished quite high up in the points as the guys ahead were not pulling away from me. I seem to be suffering a lot of bad luck this season, but I keep believing the turning point will come soon.”

VER – “MEH!”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 8th

“It isn’t easy to follow another car with the aero configurations that we had for the race here but we got the best result we could have done having started in P13. Unfortunately we had a poor pit stop where we had an electronic problem and the light didn’t turn to green, so we lost a few seconds there. I think we could have come out in front of the two McLarens and the Toro Rosso, which would have made things a bit easier for a stronger result. I had a good battle with Lewis on the last lap. I think we did the best we could here in Monza and I hope that for Singapore we can get back to the level of performance that we had in Budapest.”

GRO – “I can’t tell you how much fun it is to mention ‘McLaren’ and ‘Toro Rosso’ in the same breath!”

Kimi Raikkonen, 11th
“When I lost the front wing I had to come in and change to a new one meaning an extra pit stop which we hadn’t planned. It’s not just the time in the pits, but you have to work your way through the field afterwards. We did a pretty good job of that and the car felt good, surprisingly good given where we were on Saturday. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do after the start to the race we had.”

RAI – “Yep. I can’t imagine what would’ve kept me distracted and under-performing this weekend. Nothing comes to mind, really. Nothing at all.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 10th
“I had a bad start when my clutch slipped, and I dropped a few places. That first stint was quite good fun, but, once I got stuck behind Daniel [Ricciardo], there was no way of getting past him. We didn’t get the gear ratios quite right today. Consequently, as our fuel loads decreased, and our cornering speeds should have increased, we were hampered by our rev-limiters, and that made it easier for the cars behind to overtake us and harder for us to overtake the cars ahead of us. In clear air, our pace was pretty good – but, with such a short top gear, especially with DRS deployed, we were hitting the rev-limiter while other cars weren’t being rev-limited. Moreover, about 15 laps from the end, I locked up into the first corner and severely flat-spotted my front right tyre – I couldn’t really see a lot after that, because of vibration, but I still managed to bring it home and score a world championship point for the team. Finally, I just want to say a big ‘thank you’ to all the guys in the garage today. They had to really work hard to repair my car’s fuel system before the race, in record time, and they pulled out all the stops to get it all done. It was touch and go for a while, but they responded really well and did an incredible job. In a tight spot, they’re the best guys out there – and, once again, they were faultless today.”

BUT – “Salvaged a point, one point, for the prestigious McLaren legacy today. All this talk of our 50th anniversary has me wondering if we aren’t the GMC of F1. Christ, here’s hoping this season is the conflagration from which the phoenix of a new and better fucking season will rise. I will admit: I have really enjoyed learning how to swear at these assholes in Spanish!”

Sergio Perez, 12th
“It was a disappointing afternoon, and I think we deserved more than that. I got hit from behind into Turn One and had to cut the chicane, unfortunately. Then, throughout the race, I was held up by Daniel’s Toro Rosso. My car was quicker overall, but its straight-line speed just wasn’t strong enough to get me up and alongside him to try a pass. We stopped one lap later than we’d planned, and I lost a position to Jenson when the stop didn’t go too well. From then on, I was stuck in a train of cars; and, without a straight line speed advantage, I just couldn’t get past anyone.”

PER – “I’m running out of fucking Spanish swear words to teach BUT.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 14th

“It was a poor race for us from the beginning because of losing a couple of positions at the start which were then hard to recover. There was little pace from the car, I think we did quite well on the strategy but whatever we did today it was not enough to recover places. It was a disappointing race but I am looking forward to the next one.”

MAL – “I guess I sort of ‘stepped it up’ this weekend. If by ‘stepped it up’, you mean ‘Didn’t drive into anybody like a fucking idiot’.”

Valtteri Bottas, 15th
“I maintained my position at the start but from the first few laps I couldn’t really challenge any of the cars ahead as we just didn’t have the race pace today. It was good that we were able to do our planned one stop, but most of the others did this as well. I’m now looking forward to Singapore; it’s a new track for me so I hope we can do better there.”

BOT – “I was pretty much counting on MAL hitting somebody so I could come in 14th.”

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 16th

“A tough race today and in the end we had to retire the car because of issues with the brakes. I tried my best and I don’t think we could have delivered anymore because I was on the limit throughout the race. The pit stop was good, but the team had to hold me on the exit because Maldonado was coming in, which meant I lost a position to Gutierrez. I was able to pass him again on the track, but there were some quick cars [Kimi and Lewis] with fresher tyres and there was no way to hold them off. Points were not too far away, but overall we didn’t have the pace this weekend.”

SUT – “I think I must be fucking delusional. Sorry: I AM fucking delusional.”

Paul di Resta, DNF
“It has been one of those weekends to forget, starting with the brake failure yesterday and the early retirement today. I just got caught out going into the second chicane because the cars ahead of me got backed up – I guess they were reacting to the tussle going on ahead of them. I locked both fronts trying to stop the car and ended up hitting Grosjean. Unfortunately it was too late to take avoiding action. Now we need to look forward to Singapore and put this one behind us.”

RES – “How ’bout that infrared heat camera footage of the accident?! Pretty fucking awesome, huh?!”

Caterham
Charles Pic, 17th

“My start was good and I held position into turn one and was up with Bottas and pushing to keep pace with him. Up to the first pit stop I was just about keeping him in range but then in the second stint he was a lot quicker and I simply didn’t have the pace to fight with him. The car felt okay, the first set of tyres worked pretty well and we stuck to the strategy, coming in for the first stop on lap 17. We went onto the primes for the second and third stints and, honestly, from the time I re-joined the track after the first stop the rest of the race was pretty quiet for me. When the blue flags started coming out we had to manage the traffic and that obviously cost us more time, but our pace meant we were able to cover off our nearest competitors one stop strategy and that was the main target today. We’ve shown over the last few races that we definitely have a pace advantage over them, and we have enough races left to keep fighting for tenth place in the championship. Next we go to Singapore which is going to be an incredibly busy race off-track, and on track I think our car will be suited to the heat and layout of the track. After a quiet race today it’ll be good to have a few more battles!”

PIC – “Italy is hard for me because the culinary tradition of clag is so rich here. Clag with Bolognese, Clag Alfredo, Clag ziti, Clag with communal wafers. . . .. I guess my favorite has to be clag ravioli. Fuck, if I ever start winning, I’m going to loose, like, 50 pounds.”

Giedo van der Garde, 18th
“After good starts for most of the season I have to say this wasn’t one of my best, but I overtook the Marussia halfway through lap one and was up with Charles until he pitted for the first time. I came in a lap later and with a new set of hard tyres the car felt good – my pace was on target and I was easily able to pull away from the cars behind and push on to Charles. We were running a two stop strategy and I came in for the second stop when I was given the command to box. There was a communication mistake on the pit wall and when I came in the guys weren’t ready for me which obviously cost me a lot of time and I came out behind Bianchi, but I passed him pretty quickly and set about trying to catch my team mate. It’s a shame as my pace in the second stint was really good and I’d have had a chance to pass Charles, but sometimes these things happen – that’s racing.”

GAR – “Probably, my team was all sleepy from eating so much clag ravioli.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 19th

“I was really pleased with my start as I got ahead of both Caterhams’ into the first corner. Unfortunately our early pace was not sufficient to hold them off and they regained position by the end of the first lap. In the first stint we had started to make some good progress and were catching them but after the pit stop the balance was not there and we struggled on the hard compound tyre, dropping back from them again. We were on a one stop, Caterham on two, and I was able to move up to P18 and keep Van der Garde behind for a while, but not long enough unfortunately and it was especially tough to make any progress during the blue flag phase. It is a shame I could not have a strong race today at a track I love, but on to Singapore now, which I am really looking forward to.”

BIA – “Truly, it is at this point is the season that, as happy as I am to be here, I start having nightmares about those fucking blue flags. It’s like when you turn on your radio and all there is is that goddamned Robin Thicke song and, at first, it’s so awesome, you don’t mind that you’re hearing it every ten minutes everywhere you go. Then, eventually, you just want to kill yourself. Looking forward to Singapore! The blue flags look really cool at night. . . . Oh, wait. . . Blue flags. . . . .Fuck.”

Max Chilton, 20th
“Another tough race today and one which underlined the balance problems we’ve been experiencing all weekend. The start was okay but we weren’t able to keep pace with the competition today. What I was encouraged by was my pace versus my team mate – there was nothing between us for the first 25 laps but every time I got close enough to overtake I lost downforce, so I couldn’t do anything to improve. I kept with him throughout the rest of the race, despite experiencing the toughest blue flag phase of the season, when it was really hard to make sure I gave the space needed at the right time and not suffer a huge loss of time myself. Time now to say goodbye to the European phase of my debut season for what will be a very challenging run of long-haul races I think

CHI – “GUYS! I AM NO LONGER SO TOTALLY PSYCHED TO BE HERE! WHAT THE FUCK? I DIDN’T REALIZE I’D BE EATING EVERYONE’S DUST ALL SEASON!!!!! NEXT RACE IS AT NIGHT! SHOULD BE AWESOME! TO COME IN 20th. . . . WAIT! AUGH!!!!!”

2013 Belgian Grand Prix Post-Race Driver’s Quotes, Translated

F1 Champ Sebastian Vettel Pays Tribute To Beyonce With New Hair Style

Vet-Bot 2000, they’re not booing you, they’re booing your hair.

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“I don’t think we expected to be dominant here, and it surprised all of us actually; it’s a great result. I think we knew going into the race that our race pace, compared to Mercedes, maybe gave us a little in hand, but we didn’t know where we were compared to the others, especially Ferrari, and Lotus looked very quick in dry conditions also. It wasn’t clear if the rain was going to come at the end of the race, so we kept pushing, but the gap we had by that stage meant we were able to control the race from there and the last couple of laps weren’t too stressful.”

VET – “Yeah, I wasn’t sure about the rain, so I kept pushing for fastest laps. Also, I like the color that Newey and Adrian’s faces turn when I ignore them on the radio and just drive however the fuck I want. You know, now that I think about it: FUCK THESE GUYS! I could win the WCC for these assholes saddled with CHI as a team-mate. I will, in fact, drive however the fuck I want. Heh, yeah, the last couple of laps weren’t too stressful. . .if you mean “from the second lap on”, it wasn’t too stressful. Jesus, sometimes I shock even myself, I’m such an asshole.” 

Mark Webber,5th
“The two practice starts before the race weren’t great and so we were a bit worried about the clutch going to the start, which put us on to the back foot. We tried our best, but lost a couple of rows off the line which is not good. We then had to try and clear people on the track, which was difficult, as we had set up the top gear to race in clean air, rather than to pass. The bad start put us out of position and it snowballs from there, as you use up the tyres trying to get back into position.”

WEB – “What’s that? Porsches have clutches, too?!!!?? Fuck.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 2nd
“Today’s result shows that the outcome of qualifying bears little relation to the result on Sunday, although I think that even if I’d started from pole I would still have finished second, because Vettel was quicker. At the start we immediately made up some places and all in a rush, first passing Button, then Rosberg and Hamilton, so I found myself six seconds behind Vettel, but if one looks at the final gap of 16 seconds, we can but congratulate him and his team. The car worked well in all conditions, with a full fuel load at first and then with a lighter one at the end and, on top of that, the extra speed we had on the straight meant I could overtake without taking too many laps to do so. We know we have made a step forward and that we have recovered some of the competitiveness we had lost in recent races. In Monza and Singapore we will see the next steps in this process. The updates used in this race worked well and, even if they were aimed at this particular circuit, they are the results of work that goes on twenty four hours a day, at home and at the track. That makes us optimistic for the coming races, because our goal still remains the same, namely to fight for the title right to the end”.

ALO- “I have to talk about ‘steps’ and ‘process’ and ‘optimism’  because if I don’t talk about those things, I have to realize that that 16 second gap at the end was just the result of the VET-bot 2000 actually listening to Cristian for once and, probably, he could’ve lapped the entire field and all the beautiful girlfriends in the universe couldn’t stop the tears of frustration from flowing down my face for all of eternity.”

Felipe Massa, 7th
“That was a difficult race for me right from the early stages, because after managing a good passing move at the start, I then had to slow and drop back four or five places, to avoid a collision with Grosjean at the exit of the first corner. From then on, things got complicated because for a few laps I had a problem on the steering wheel linked to the KERS operation and I wasn’t able to communicate well with the team. When everything was back to normal again, it wasn’t easy to catch up, because even if the decision to bring forward the first pit stop allowed me to get past several cars, the pace wasn’t good. In the final stint on the Hard tyres, the car was very competitive and I managed to gain some important places, with a nice passing move on Grosjean. I definitely can’t be pleased with seventh place, because today, our car deserved better, but the fact we’re more competitive than at the last few races makes me think we are working in the right direction and so we can hope to make progress throughout the second half of the season”

MAS – “Seriously, look at the language I’m using in this quote. I’ve used more positive words to describe my dog’s poops! I made a nice passing move on Grosjean. . On Grosjean! That’s like shitting yourself and being happy that your hat is still clean. ALO has to watch VET walk away with races n’shit; you think that’s hard?! I have to look in mirrors and other reflective surfaces!!!”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 3rd

“I got everything that I could out of the car today but we just weren’t as quick as Sebastian and Fernando. I made a nice start and it felt like the exit out of turn one was good, too. But Seb just caught me on the run out of Eau Rouge and there wasn’t really much I could do to defend: I moved once, like we are allowed to, but then I just had to watch him glide by. From that point, it was very difficult to hold on to him, and the same thing happened with Fernando, too, later in the race. We have done a good job this weekend but Spa and Monza are always unique tracks because of the low-drag requirements and I expect we will be more competitive in Singapore again. It’s still a great team result to finish third with Nico right behind me in fourth, so we will take the positives from this afternoon into the next races.”

HAM – “At least I beat Nico across the line. I can look Roscoe in the face when I get home.”

Nico Rosberg, 4th
“Fourth place was a reasonable result for me today, and it’s great that we achieved a strong points finish for the team with Lewis’ third place as well. The whole weekend hasn’t gone perfectly for me and you are always slightly on the back foot in the race when qualifying doesn’t go as well as planned. I had a great start but I wasn’t able to go as long as planned on the second stint and I had to cover Felipe. But in the end, it was nice to keep Mark behind me and get fourth place. We have a lot of work ahead of us now and we need to look into why we weren’t as competitive as a couple of the other teams today.”

ROS – “I pretty much let HAM go by me. I was getting pretty tired of him coming up to me in the garage, showing me drawings of prospective haircuts and then walking away with tears welling up in his eyes. He was beat-boxing, too, to try and cheer himself up, but he’d start to cry and then it was this blubbering beat-boxing. . . . Sigh. . . . .So, yeah, I let him pass me.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 6th

“We were trying for a one-stop strategy at the start of the race, then we adapted that to a two-stopper later on. We gave it a go, but our pace still wasn’t quite as good as that of the cars in front of us, so we couldn’t really chase them down at the end of the race. Having said that, it was a decent race for us. Moreover, as always, it was really fun to race around this magnificent circuit – I really enjoyed driving the car today. In terms of performance there’s been a small but definite improvement, so we should be pleased with the progress we’ve made. I’m pretty happy with the feel of the car now, in fact; okay, there’s still room for improvement in terms of pace, but the good thing is that we know which areas we should be focusing on. So I’m looking forward to Monza – another great circuit – where hopefully we can take another small step. We’re not going to be fighting at the front, we know that; instead we’re concentrating on ourselves, gradually understanding more about the car, and progressively improving things. There are still a lot of grand prix left this season, and we can enjoy some of them, I’m sure.”

BUT – “We didn’t totally suck today! Woo-hoo! Lots of racing left this season! More chances to suck less! Go team!”

Sergio Perez, 11th
“My race started pretty well. I managed to make up a couple of positions at the start, and then a few more in the first 10 laps, and at that point things were looking pretty good. I was happy with the balance of the car and we were on a good strategy. Then came the drive-through, and after that it was always going to be tricky to score any points. What happened with Romain [Grosjean] was unfortunate. I got ahead of him, and took the corner, but I now understand where the penalty came from, even if I’m naturally disappointed for myself and for the team. These things are always difficult, but the team spirit at McLaren is unbelievably strong and now, together, we simply have to move on. What we must now do is look ahead to Monza, and do our very best to make up for the points we missed out on here at Spa.”

PER – “Looking ahead to Monza? Shit, I’m looking ahead to Vallarta in November. I’m taking this barge of a car onto a barge, dumping it in the Pacific and then hitting the beach at Yelapa with about 14 cases of Modelo. I will drink, there, on the beach, and eat of the ocean and sleep on the beach until I wake from this nightmare. I hear Torro Rosso has a seat open.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 8th

“We had a difficult first lap where we lost a few positions and then dropped back a couple more places in the incident with Sergio [Perez]. We decided on a one stop strategy today and with the new tyres I felt that the grip was much higher than before but I knew that it would be difficult to get the time back. We tried something different and you never know; had it rained in the middle of the race we could have been well-placed to take advantage. It is good to finish the race without any mistakes, even if eighth place isn’t what we were hoping for this weekend; it’s also a shame that Kimi didn’t finish the race, but we go to Monza hopeful of better things.”

GRO – “Really, the less said, the better.”

Kimi Raikkonen, DNF
“I had a brake failure so there was really no point in trying to continue. We both got good starts off the line but there wasn’t enough space into the first corner where I went over the kerb and lost some time, but after that I was pushing as hard as I could. There were some brake issues at the beginning of the race but we were managing them and it was going okay until we had to retire. We’ve finished a lot of races and had some good reliability; one day your luck has to run out and today was that day.”

RAI – “Pragmatism, bitches! Learn it! Love it! Live it!”

Translation Svcs – Can we all just admit to ourselves that this race became exponentially more boring after Kimi DNF’d? Regardless of how you feel about Kimi (except that, if you don’t like him, you are fucked in the head) every race could be framed around “Yeah, VET is winning, but where’s Kimi? Yeah, ALO is driving like an unconscious wizard, but where’s Kimi?” His DNF’ing just made me appreciate what he brings to this sport even more.

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 9th

“An interesting and exciting race, and it’s good to come away with two points. At the start I didn’t make the best getaway and lost a few places, but after that I settled into the race and was able to get ahead of a few cars and move into the top ten. I always enjoy driving here at Spa and I had some exciting overtaking moves today, which felt very nice. The two-stop strategy was the best way to go and it worked out well because I think we achieved the maximum that was available to us. We are still in a close fight with McLaren so it was important to get back in the points today after a couple of tough races.”

SUT – “I had a good race but McLaren should be ashamed of themselves.”

Paul di Resta, DNF
“I got a lot of wheel-spin at the start of the race and was down in about tenth place going into turn one, but during the first lap I managed to recover to seventh. After the second pit stop I was racing closely with Adrian and there was a train of four cars battling as we went into the final chicane. Pastor [Maldonado] went in deep and missed the apex so I tried to get the cut-back and was going around the outside of him. He then decided to try and enter the pit lane, which was impossible given his track position. As a result he hit me, which took the rear corner off my car. It’s a real shame because the speed was quite strong today and I think there was definitely a point or two up for grabs.”

RES – “Every week, it’s a ‘Who’s-Pastor-Going-to-Hit-this-Weekend?” lottery. I won.”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 10th

“It was nice to get that point! We ran a long first stint on the hard tyres and I think that helped us build a good base to have a strong pace in the final stints on the medium. I felt much more comfortable on the Option tyre and that’s when my race really started. With the last set of tyres I was knocking out maybe ten or so qualifying laps and managed to pick off some cars in front to bring home that crucial point. We knew we had to move on from yesterday. I had said that starting where we were, getting in the points would be good, so I’m happy with that and with the pace we showed while fighting to get there.”

RIC – “I’m very pumped about enjoying these last few races before my primary duty is making sure the VET-Bot 2000 stays lubricated and happy.” 

Jean-Eric Vergne, 12th
“I think we could have done a bit better than this 12th place, because my pace was good until the final stint when I had a slow puncture almost right from the start of it, which meant my performance dropped off. I managed to get past Hulkenberg with an exciting move, but I could not close to Perez ahead of me and then my team mate Daniel came up behind me on new tyres. It was hard for me to be competitive therefore in the final stint. A bit of a weekend to forget as it could have ended so much better, if we had not made a mistake in qualifying, but at least when things were going well it seems that our car has picked up some speed that was lacking just before the break.”

VER – “Sigh. . . Summer Break: I miss you already.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 13th

“I was able to improve a couple of positions at the start. It was tight but I managed quite well. I had a good first lap, but the pace was missing pretty much from the beginning. The car was difficult to drive. We were lacking a good balance throughout the whole weekend and during the race, and the tyres started to go off pretty quickly. We had to pit earlier than planned. Overall, we were simply missing speed today.”

HUL – “Can this season be totes over soon? Please?”

Esteban Gutierrez, 14th
“From where I started I had to make progress and be clever about how much I could push. It was a matter of finding the right balance between pushing and taking care of the tyres, and I found that balance pretty well. I just focused on being as quick as possible, trying to manage the tyres well and getting the most out of the car. We lost a lot of time in the first stint with the traffic I encountered as I was coming from the back of the field. The strategy we planned was not ideal, so we had to change it and that still wasn’t perfect. I totally respect the FIA ‘s decision to penalise me for overtaking Pastor, but I don’t agree with the penalty. To be able to fight and to extract the maximum today is good to know. Now we have to improve in qualifying, because I think with the pace we have we can still fight for the top ten.”

GUT – “What the fuck? Did the steward get sick on his last trip to Acapulco? Anybody who goes to Acapulco deserves to get sick. Just because you went to the armpit of Mexico and got ‘Los Amoebas’, don’t take it out on Checo and I. . . Asshole.”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 15th

“Today’s race was not the easiest for us. We were struggling for pace in sector two and this made it difficult to get close to the cars in front and once I had been overtaken it was very difficult to regain the place. We will have to go away and understand why our race pace was not as strong today as it has been and try to make improvements in time for Monza.”

BOT – “You forgot I was even here, didn’t you?”

Pastor Maldonado, 17th
“I had a good start and I immediately picked up a number of places, but we struggled for pace in the second stint and I was not able to push and overtake the cars in front. I then had a collision with Di Resta in the final corner when our lines crossed as I was entering the pits. It was a difficult situation because I was fighting hard with the Sauber and I didn’t see Di Resta on the outside as I turned toward the pit lane. I tried to brake to avoid the accident but it was too late. It wasn’t a good weekend for us but we need to keep working hard and improving the performance of the car.”

MAL – “Everyday I am thankful that F1 does not require an IQ test.”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 16th
“My start was good. I had clear space going into turn one and held 14th place until mid-way through lap two, but then it wasn’t really possible to hold off some of the cars who’d started behind us. Realistically, we’d expected that to happen so I was focused on pulling away from Bianchi and Chilton and giving myself a big enough gap to manage the race we’d planned. I’d started on a set of mediums which we managed well. My first stop was on lap 15 when we went onto a set of new hards and I rejoined in 19th. That set was also working well until about lap 26 when the rears started to go off so we pushed for another couple of laps and then came in for the second stop on lap 29. The final stint was on another set of hard tyres and from there I was well clear of both Marussias and had a really good fight with Maldonado for 16th right to flag, pushing as hard as I could to keep that place. Overall this has been a really good weekend. It would have been interesting to see what would have happened if it had rained today, but for what was effectively my first home F1 race I think we got the maximum for the car. Saturday was an incredible feeling and I’m really pleased we could give the team, our partners and the fans such a lift in qualifying – now we have to make sure we can do the same for the rest of the season whenever the chances come our way.”

GAR – “Somehow, God was watching over me; some miraculous shit went down and I got past MAL. Does anybody have two bucks? I’m going to buy an actual lottery ticket!”

Charles Pic, DNF
“We started on a set of options and I was off the line cleanly with no problems on lap one. I passed both Chilton and Bianchi and by lap eight was catching my teammate but then I was told to box as we had an oil leak so we stopped the car to avoid any damage to the new engine we used today. Racing’s sometimes like this – we had good pace on Friday and Saturday, the car felt well balanced and we’d made some progress. While today’s race obviously didn’t go to plan I’m not down about it – we have another chance in Monza in two weeks to continue to build on the gap to our nearest rivals and I’m sure we’ll bounce back there.”

PIC – “Hey, I was out there long enough to enjoy some clag and frites, so I’m pretty happy!

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 18th

“It was a tough race today, made more difficult by the fact that I had a radio problem from the start. Our pace was not as good as we hoped for, which was a shame. Although it was going to be hard to hang on to our grid positions if it didn’t rain, we were looking for something more after a good result yesterday. As it remained dry we were not presented with the sort of opportunities we were hoping might come our way. However, we did get a two-car finish and also we continue to hold position in the championship, so we will now look to Monza for more of an improvement we hope.”

BIA – “I’m telling you: doing lap after lap, willing the clouds to coalesce into some sort of spitting rain so that I might move up a spot or two gets a little depressing. Still: Glad to be here!”

Max Chilton, 19th
“A long race today, not just in terms of laps and lap distance, but more the fact that the dry conditions made the race quite uneventful for us. The threat of rain meant that we had thought through and prepared for so many different scenarios, so we would be in a position to capitalise on any opportunity to move up the order, but as it turned out much of the homework was not required. So we’re disappointed with the race but encouraged by signs earlier in the weekend and I hope we can make more of those in Monza in two weeks’ time.”

CHI – “GUYS! I TOTALLY MADE IT Q2!!!!! HOLY CRAP! EVEN I WAS READY FOR RAIN OR NOT-RAIN, IT WAS AWESOME TO BE HERE!”

Canadian 2013 GP, Post-Race Driver’s Quotes, Translated

“Hey, Bernie, I was hoping you could tell VET and RBR to take their 132 driver points and 201 constructor’s points and stick them up their asses! Perhaps we could have a fucking tribunal about who’s the biggest collection of pricks in F1? Maybe THAT needs a tribunal!!

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel (1st)

“It’s great to win today. I was pushing very hard, especially at the beginning of the race – I had a moment when I hit the wall, but I didn’t feel it; I was trying to get away from the field, as you don’t know what will happen towards the end. It turned out that we could control things in the later stages, but you don’t know that, so I was just trying to push all the time and stay in the rhythm. It was good to see that we were quick in all conditions this weekend and had speed in the race. We had average tyre wear, which hasn’t always been the case for us, so we have made a step forward there. It’s nice to win here, as it’s a very special race. Not just the track, but the whole city enjoys the race and it’s a nice atmosphere.”

VET – “I hit the wall at one point, but I had my humano-servo-emoto-sensors dialed down at that moment, so I have no feeling about that incident, like, literally. I do like watching the others have fun at this Canada race-place. I always enjoy watching others expend energy emoting and smiling and doing other non-winning related activities. Eh? What’s that? They were booing me on the podium? Oh, silly Canadians! I just put a call into SkyNet. You will be first on the kill list, you bunch of fucking SCTV-watching . . . . .HUMANS!”

Mark Webber (4th)
“I got a sensational start, but I didn’t have too many places to go. I went to the middle and Bottas and Nico were there, so I went to the other side and lost some momentum. We are certainly getting our starts sorted, but so far there’s been no opportunity to show how good they have been! We lost some time with Nico in the first stint, and the car was getting hot behind him in the slip stream. Once I got in free air, the car was handling much better. Then we had the incident with Giedo van der Garde which caused some front wing damage and made it more difficult; the whole top section of the wing was gone on the left hand side, so it didn’t help from then on. I don’t know what he was doing. We had a lot of blue flags as we approached the hair pin and I rolled to the inside, giving him plenty of space so he knew I was there, but when we got to the apex he tried to hit it; I don’t know what was going on with that. There were some positives from today, but it would have been nicer to have finished a bit further up the road.”

WEB – “I dedicate this race to my pharmacist who had been working with me and working with me to get the dosage on the Viagra just right. The dosage is important, when you take it is important, it’s like fucking F1 but for my dick! So, to Doctor Nick: we finally got this starting issue figured out! Now, is there a drug designed for, um, ‘closing the deal’?” No? Fuck.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso (2nd)

“At the end of an extremely complicated weekend, this second place tastes like a win, because we were competitive and managed to fight with the front running drivers. You never feel in danger with them, because, even wheel to wheel at 320 kilometres per hour, they have the necessary intelligence and experience to know to leave a margin of safety. The overtaking moves on the two Mercedes had an almost identical dynamic, although maybe the pass on Hamilton was more intense because we were running at the same pace, while with Rosberg, I knew it was only a matter of the laps going by, thanks to the advantage of having the medium tyres, while he was on the supersoft. In terms of points this is a great result: now we only have Vettel ahead of us, who was untouchable here and deserved the victory. Even if he has increased his lead, there’s still a long way to go in the championship and there’s plenty of time to catch up. I don’t know if I could have done better if I’d started further up. Qualifying, even in the wet, is our weak point and an aspect we absolutely must improve on: we are working very hard on that, both back home and at the track.”

ALO – “Why did this feel like a win? Ohhhhh, I don’t know. . Maybe it was all my Cone-nay-dian homies booing the VET-Bot and chanting my name! I’ll mouth some platitudes about the driver’s championship and the constructor’s points all day but, in the end, if can drive like an angel, have the entire F1 global fan-base adore me AND have the hottest lay in all of organized everything for a girlfriend, then fuck your 1st place. No matter what, at the end of everything, they’ll say: ‘He was a masterful driver and, besides, HE LOST TO A ROBOT.’ Gimme that and a smokin’ hottie in the sack and I’ll sleep peacefully my entire Spanish Winter.”

Felipe Massa (8th)
“I am very happy with my race today, which was a real battle from start to finish. After going off the track yesterday, I knew it wouldn’t be easy starting from sixteenth place, but I also knew I had a good car and I tackled the race on the attack, managing to pull off several nice passing moves. However, because of a problem with graining, I lost precious time behind Sutil in the Force India: that’s why I think a strategy based on using two sets of medium tyres would have seen me gain at least one or two places. Even if I can’t be satisfied with this result it was still a positive day, in which we showed we had a good pace and that we were able to fight. Now I’m looking ahead to the next race with a lot of confidence, because Silverstone is very similar to Shanghai and Barcelona, where our car worked very well.”

MAS – “Finished! I finished! Did you see that, bitches? I totally finished! And then I passed some bitches! And I finished! WOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton (3rd)

“The car felt fantastic today and I had good grip for the low-speed corners but we just weren’t quite on the pace of Seb and Fernando. I was on the maximum that I could possibly drive and we got absolutely everything out of the car today. It would have been nice to have kept second place of course but Fernando was very quick today and it was difficult to keep him behind. I got close to taking the place back but he was just that little bit too fast. Still I’m very pleased with third place and it was a strong points-scoring day for the team with Nico’s fifth place as well. We’ve taken a step up in the constructors’ championship which is great for the team and gives us a nice boost going into Silverstone.”

HAM – “Jesus Christ. Looks like all that praying paid off and I finally finished ahead of Nico. 3rd is great, but I would’ve been fine with 21st over his 22nd and watched CHI sorry ass beat both our asses across the line. But, hey, 3rd, 5th: whatever. I TOTALLY BEAT NICO’S ASS! Bless.”

Nico Rosberg (5th)
“I think fifth place was probably my optimum today and, even if my race had gone perfectly, I wasn’t able to match the pace of the guys in front. The guys had a difficult decision to make at the first stop: we were worried about the warm-up of the harder tyres, so we went for the option to protect my track position against Webber and Alonso, but in hindsight it would probably have been better to go the other way because I could have run a longer second stint. I scored some good points and we know that there are areas where we can still improve our performance. But looking back to where we were a month ago, we have made some good steps forward, and it was great for Lewis to be on the podium again. We are heading in the right direction and looking forward to the next race at Silverstone, in front of our team-mates from Brackley and Brixworth.”

ROS – “Really looking forward to HAM shouting ‘STEVE HOLT!’ every time he walks into the garage the next two weeks!”

Ross Brawn, Mercedes team principal
“It has been rare in recent seasons to have backmarkers become such a factor in a race as they were today. They played a decisive role in the final result but getting through traffic is one of the challenges that you have to tackle in Formula One. The car performed reasonably well but we still had some anxiety about the tyre performance in the high temperatures, so we were managing the situation carefully, particularly in the opening laps of the stints. Lewis drove a very strong race although it was a shame that he could not quite hold on to second position in the closing laps. However, that wasn’t down to him but rather the fact that we still need to find a little more performance from our car to compete with Ferrari and Red Bull. Nico had a reasonably quiet race after a strong first stint and we will have to analyse if we could have made more of the car’s performance today with him. We called him in for a third stop as a precaution, because he had flat-spotted badly the right-front tyre badly and we had nothing to gain or lose in terms of track position. Overall, a positive afternoon and another strong two-car finish that is important for our position in the constructors’ championship.”

Toto Wolff, Mercedes team executive director 
“Lewis and Nico did a great job on track today and it was nice to see Lewis on the podium again. He tried to hold off Fernando towards the end of the race but the Ferrari was just too quick today. Nico dropped back on the option tyre and our strategy didn’t quite come to him this afternoon unfortunately. Looking ahead, we know that we need to keep bringing performance to the car and that Silverstone will be a bigger test for our tyre management. But it’s the second race in a row that we have had both cars in the top five and that is building a good platform in the championship. Well done, too, to Sebastian and Red Bull today: they didn’t put a foot wrong all afternoon.”

Brawn/Wollf – “Can’t talk now. Getting coached for tribunal.”


Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne (6th)

“Incredible! I’m very happy. The best result for me of course, but also the highest finishing position since Vettel’s results for the team in 2008. It is even more satisfying, because it was a normal race in the dry, with no one going out in front of me so we achieved this position fair and square. It’s a great result for the team as we are making progress race by race and it’s very encouraging for the rest of the season. It wasn’t too complicated, because we had the pace to maintain that position, although we did not have the speed of those ahead. I passed Bottas and Raikkonen and from then I managed my race, keeping an eye on Sutil who was behind me for much of the time. That meant I could never ease up until the flag. After finishing eighth in Monaco, this result on another difficult track has boosted my confidence and I feel I have progressed as a driver. We must continue to push hard on the development of the car, starting with the next race at Silverstone, so that we can aim even higher than this.”

VER – “Holy crap! So glad to be here! I passed Kimi??!! Did you mother-fuckers see that shit? That shit ain’t easy ’cause you got the ice-dragons blowing cold-ass air in your face as you go by! Scary! This is totally turning into the mid-season of the middling teams! Go, my brothers at Force India! Go, us! Pastor, you can fuck off. Go, Marussia! I just love everybody right now! Can we all come in sixth sometime? This feels so good!”

Daniel Ricciardo (15th)
“I got a really good start, making up two positions off the line and then I was on the outside for Turn 2, which meant Hulkenberg took me back. When he ran wide at the chicane, I was ahead of him again and I gained another place when Sutil went off. At that point, I felt we could have a good race, but after just four laps, the car was oversteering like crazy and I couldn’t manage the tyres anymore. As the race went on, we tried to improve the car balance and maybe we improved it a bit, but our pace was really slow. We didn’t change so much on the car since Friday, so why we were so slow is a mystery to me at the moment.”

RIC – “Really looking forward to VER shouting ‘STEVE HOLT’ every time he walks into the garage the next two weeks!”

Force India
Paul di Resta (7th)

“To finish the race in seventh having started 17th is a great result and a top job by the team. I didn’t manage to get any long run data on Friday so it feels extra sweet to make this one-stop strategy work with a very long stint on the mediums. It also feels good to come back so strong after a difficult qualifying session. The tyres lasted very well, the lap times were competitive and the team told me it was my decision about when to make my stop. As soon as I felt the tyres starting to drop off, I came in. Then it was a case of looking after the supersofts for the final few laps.”

RES – “Y’all know were the party at? It ain’t at the front with all those doggies fightin’ over VET’s scraps of clag he leaves for ALO and RAI, it’s up in here, up in here!”

Adrian Sutil (10th)
“That race was quite an adventure so it’s good to come away with a point given everything that happened. I had a spin when I tried to overtake Bottas, which cost me quite a few positions and I was lucky nobody hit me when I was in the middle of the track. I dropped back and the pack was bunched together, which is when Maldonado ran into the back of me and damaged my rear wing. Even with all those things I was running in eighth until the drive-through penalty. I don’t think it was a fair penalty because I too had to lap so many cars today and it sometimes took one or two laps, and that’s normal for this circuit. The penalty cost me two positions and three points.”

SUT – “Seriously, when do we get back to Australia? Not ’til NEXT YEAR!?? Fuck. But, hey: that 360 with the ‘what-me-worry’ exit like nothing happened was pretty boss, no?”

Lotus
Kimi Raikkonen (9th)

“My race didn’t start very well and then my brakes were fading with the pedal going soft; similar to the problem we had on Friday. It wasn’t ideal but at least the brakes were good enough to slow me down for the corners. Unfortunately though it meant I lost a lot of time and wasn’t able to attack, plus we lost a few seconds in the pit stop which obviously didn’t help either. Most of my race was just following the cars in front and defending from those behind, so not the most enjoyable day nor the most enjoyable result. It’s been a bad weekend, but at least we scored a few points.”

RAI – “I, uh, yeah. Heh, well, when I came in third in the WDC last year, everybody was all ‘slow and steady almost wins the race’. But, yeah, I don’t think they meant quite this slow. The real problem was that one of the ice dragons couldn’t make it to the race: he had a previous bust in Canada for weed and couldn’t get a visa. Also, he kept saying ‘beers’ instead of using the plural ‘beer’, like they do and that really pissed off the customs guy.”

Romain Grosjean (13th)
“It was always going to be a tough race coming from the back, but it’s still disappointing to miss out on the points. Things were looking good until we switched to the option tyres, but they dropped off far quicker than we expected which forced us to stop again. Sadly that effectively put an end to our race as by that time there was no way back. After a promising start on Friday it’s not been the best weekend, but we had good pace last year at Silverstone so we’ll come back looking to put things right.”

GRO – “I didn’t drive up anyone’s ass this weekend. No suspensions so far this year! As long as I don’t decide that my chassis is possessed in the next 18 days, everything’s going to be Stereo Total in the UK!”

McLaren
Sergio Perez (11th)
“This wasn’t the race we were hoping to have. We tried our best to try and score a few points, but it was impossible to do any better than we did out there today. It’s a pity, because the car felt quite good during our installation laps. But the car didn’t work that well on the option tyre, and we struggled to find enough grip. At Silverstone, I hope we can make a step forward. We brought some upgrades to this race, but didn’t really get the running we needed to verify them. Hopefully, they’ll work better at Silverstone.”

PER – “Seriously: someone kill me. There’s not enough Tequila in the universe to dull this pain. I will lie in the zocalo of Cuernavaca and let the crows poop all over me and I will feel better than I do now, in this moment. I have an uncle who runs a couple of dudes who do the fire-breathing thing in the streets of the D.F., maybe he has an opening for a new fire-breather.”


Jenson Button (12th)
“This wasn’t the best race for us as a team. It’s particularly tough because this circuit is usually very good to us. With hindsight, I think we’d have been better off starting on the prime tyre, rather than the option. During my first stint, all the two-stoppers pitted ahead of me, then came back to overtake me, so it was a bit tricky. However, we showed today that, irrespective of strategy, we wouldn’t have gone any faster. Our car tends to work better on fast and flowing circuits – such as Malaysia or China – so I’m looking forward to my home race at Silverstone at the end of the month. We tried some new parts this weekend, but they weren’t really suited for this type of circuit – they should work better at Silverstone, so I’m feeling positive about the future.”

BUT – “Does anybody have any straws for me to clutch at? I lent all mine to CHI last weekend.”


Williams
Valtteri Bottas (14th)

“We fought hard to try and secure some points today but ultimately we just didn’t have the pace in the car. I didn’t get a great start which allowed a few cars to jump me on the first lap, and in the dry conditions we simply couldn’t match the level of competitiveness we showed yesterday. The tyre wear in the first stint was also high which made it tough to stay in the top ten. Nevertheless I feel like I have learnt a lot from the race today and as a team we can take positives from the weekend. Hopefully we can continue to make progress and have a stronger race at Silverstone with the home crowd cheering us on.”

BOT – “Well, that was fun while it lasted!”

Pastor Maldonado (16th)
“We were expecting a better result today in the race. We knew we didn’t have the top speed to challenge at the front, but we struggled for pace right from the beginning of the race. The car felt better in the wet conditions compared to the dry hot weather we saw today so we need to understand why. After the good result with Valtteri yesterday, it was a tough weekend for us to end with neither car in the points. There are now three weeks until the next race so we need to keep working to improve our overall race performance.”

MAL – “I always forget: Do we hit the other drivers or not? I always get mixed-up; all the time, mixed-up. I like Silverstone because it stays nice and rainy and cloudy. Changes in weather are just another thing to confuse me!”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi (17th)

“It was good to be able to enjoy a dry race today because we were back on the pace we were showing earlier in the weekend in similar conditions. It was a little bit daunting to know we were planning a one stop strategy and would have to go so long on the medium tyre, but my engineers and I kept in close contact and worked together to ensure we could manage the tyre life as we needed to. Although we had to be quite careful, in the end we got to 40 laps no problem, although it was good to switch to the supersoft and be able to secure position. I think the result is quite pleasing and we are back where we need to be in terms of the competition. We hope for good things from our next step in Silverstone, where we will be aiming for a good performance in an important race for the team.”

BIA – “Still getting used to all this! Left! Right! Brakes! Gas! It all happens so fast! Glad to be here!”

Max Chilton (19th)
“We got a good start but struggled on the first lap, then after a few laps we were able to see that our strategy was going to play out well for us. We started on the medium tyre and ran long for just under 40 laps. I was quite pleased with how well we were managing the tyres even late on in that stint, so a good job from my engineers who were working with me to achieve that, enabling me to still be able to push hard on the last few laps before we pitted for the supersoft. The early part of the second stint worked well but later on I was struggling with the tyre wear and I wasn’t able to defend my position from Pic. It was good to add to our tally of two-car finishes though and we can feel optimistic as we head towards a very important race for the Team and for me – our home race, the British Grand Prix.”

CHI – “DUDES! AGAIN! FINISHED! NOT LAST! I LOVE THIS F1 SHIT! SO AWESOME TO BE HERE!”

Caterham
Charles Pic (18th)

“My start was ok but into the first corner I had to brake early to avoid hitting one of the cars ahead and lost a couple of places.

“We went onto the mediums for the second stint and they held up well. The car balance kept improving as we went through the race and we stuck to the plan, pitting for the last time on lap 37 so we could run a long final stint to the flag.

“With about ten laps left I caught and passed Chilton and was given the instruction to push to the flag. From that point I couldn’t really gain on the car ahead so I just made sure we got to the end without any issues and finished the race 18th.”

PIC – “I found this great place at turn 9 that had this awesome Poutine made from clag! You smother this shit in enough gravy and it’s totally edible!!”

Giedo van der Garde (DNF)
“Today wasn’t a good day for me. I want to say sorry to Mark for the incident we had and I’ll make sure I learn from the stewards’ decision on the five-place penalty for the next race. Sometimes you make mistakes, but the important thing is to accept them, learn from them and move on.

“In the race itself I had a great start, passed four cars and was up to 17th by lap two. We’d started on the supersofts and the first set were done pretty quickly so we boxed on lap eight for a set of mediums and my pace on those for the first few laps was ok. I’m not sure why but not long into the stint the tyre temperatures started coming down and my lap times dropped straight away. It was pretty frustrating as there was nothing I could do to get them to work so I just had to keep pushing on.

“On lap 33 I came back in for another set of mediums but then I had to box for the stop / go I had from the contact with Mark. The temperatures went straight up after the penalty and I had to come back in almost immediately so we could check the car and they found a visor tear-off in one of the radiators which had been causing problems for most of the race.

“Shortly after that I was heading towards the hairpin with Hulkenberg alongside. I moved over for him but he turned in in front of me in the braking zone and we made contact and that was the end of my race.”

GAR – “I suck.”

Sauber
Esteban Gutierrez (20th)

“For the entire race the car was difficult to drive, and I was always pushing to the limit. Right from the start everyone was closing in. The first set of tyres was difficult to drive on and a one stop would have been impossible. When I came out from my second pit stop into the first corner, I went over one of the bumps, the front locked up and I couldn’t stop.”

GUT – “I gotta talk to PER. I heard his uncle might have an opening on his fire-breather team.”

Nico Hulkenberg (DNF)
“It’s disappointing to finish a race like this. Lapping can be troublesome, but these guys are racing too and have things happenings in the race, the same as us. I lapped Giedo van der Garde and braked. At first I didn’t feel anything until I came out of the corner and realised the car wasn’t going straight, so we decided to stop. Even after we lost positions at the start of the race, we didn’t really have the pace today. I was fighting for 14th and couldn’t do much more. Of course this is not an ideal way to end a race, but in the end we wouldn’t have gained much more.”

HUL – “I got out there and I was tooling around and then I got lapped by VET and ALO and RAI and WEB and HAM and I don’t know the fuck. Then, I look, and I realize that I’m battling fucking van der Garde for fucking 20th place and I start to seriously question my place in the universe and if my life really has any meaning. I got pretty lost in that thought and then I felt something and GAR, I think, hit me. It reminded me that I could feel, I could breathe and, if I could do those things, I could RACE! Then my car was all fucked up so I had to stop anyway.”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director

“The Canadian Grand Prix was a slight step into the unknown for everybody, with track temperatures considerably higher than they had been in qualifying yesterday. Canada is one of the most challenging circuits for the rear tyres due to high traction demands – particularly after it has rained previously in the weekend, because the moisture has the effect of washing away all the rubber that has been laid down before, which decreases grip levels further. Despite that, wear and degradation was under control for all the frontrunners and there was little of the graining that is a common feature of this race as well. Mercedes still seems to be suffering from high levels of degradation with Nico Rosberg being the only driver in the top 10 having to use a three-stop strategy. While two stops was clearly the way to go, Paul di Resta drove an excellent race to show what was possible with a one-stopper, completing 56 laps on his first set of medium tyres.”

Hembery – All y’all can go fuck yo’selves! See you at he tribunal! Hembery OUT!”