2013 Singapore Grand Prix, Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

“Even you, Roscoe, fuck you. You’ve all been against me from the start.”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“It’s just been a fantastic weekend. The start was close, but then we had strong race pace, especially when the safety car came in, and we pushed very hard to try to build up a gap. You never know what’s coming up and what can happen. The last ten laps seemed to go on forever inside the car. I kept my concentration by reminding myself how easily you can make a mistake around here, the walls are close and if you don’t pay enough attention it can go wrong pretty quickly. I focused on hitting the brakes correctly and on saving the tyres. We didn’t expect to be that strong, but it’s a team effort. Everyone is pushing hard and I think the secret, if there is one, is that we love what we do and we’re so passionate. The conditions aren’t great here with the heat, but the team always pushes hard and I think that’s what makes the difference. I’d like to say to everyone working for team that it’s a privilege for me to be driving the car you have built.“

VET – “This car. This car. Not the No. 2 car. It’s a privilege to drive the car that actually makes it across the finish line and doesn’t abandon you on the highway and then you have to hitchhike back to the paddock like some jumpsuited, 5-o’clock shadowed version of Even Cowgirls get the Blues. Perhaps, though, if I had the No. 2 car, I might not have to struggle to maintain my concentration, tapping the brakes, singing German victory songs to myself, driving with my knees while I practice harmonica. I’m telling you guys: between here and Monza, I’ve just about perfected my cover of Sonny Boy Williamson’s ‘Don’t Start Me Talkin’!”

Mark Webber,15th
“I think I did pretty much everything I could today. We had pace in the car when we needed, we managed the tyres and made a very good undercut on Nico, I was really happy with that lap. Then six laps from the end, the guys were getting worried about the car. So, yeah, it’s annoying but someone’s had a tougher day than me somewhere and that’s the way it goes. I was having to short shift, but then, unlike Monza, we started to lose a lot of power. We were just trying to get home at that point but then on the last lap we caught fire.”

WEB – “I’m feeling rather sanguine, now, about this race, the fire, the self-destruct button that Cristian keeps in a small, rosewood box along with my daily supply of razors. ‘Nando and I shared a moment out there on the track. The kind of moment that can only be shared by two guys with incredible facial hair. So, right now, I’m feeling ok. I hope Daniel enjoys having the rug pulled out from under him every time he starts to enjoy a race. Assholes. There: the bliss of my quality time with Fernando is starting to wear off. . . Hey, guess what? Hey, Red Bull Racing!? You can take your fucking bitching about fucking Constructor’s Points and my lack of earning them AND STICK THAT AND THIS NO. 2 CAR UP YOUR FUCKING AAAAAASSSSSSSSSEZZZZZZZZZ. You fucking pricks! But, um, can I get my razors before I go?”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 2nd

“Today’s second place is like a victory for us, at the end of a difficult weekend on a track where it’s very tricky to overtake. The key points of this race were the start and the strategy and, in both cases, the decisions taken proved to be the right ones, even if they were aggressive choices. At the start, I managed to pass four cars, helped by having watched the starts from previous races here, but then I couldn’t pass Rosberg. The decision to pit when the safety car came out paid off, even if it wasn’t easy to get to the finish with the tyres on the limit. Fortunately, thanks to the advantage I had over Raikkonen and Webber, we were able to manage the situation over the final laps: if I’d been in a group, it would have been like the end of a horror movie! Now the gap to the championship leaders has increased and apart from congratulating them, because they deserve to be where they are, we must be realistic, because to win the title now, we would need a lot of luck. Sure, we cannot think of giving up right now because if that luck does show up, then we will be there to take it.”

ALO – Here’s the deal: none of this matters, right? The goddamn VET-Bot 2000 is fucking unstoppable. All I can do now is hold off Hammy and Kimi and console myself amidst the soft, supple limbs of my completely of-age girlfriend. Look: I’m the highest-paid driver of the world’s most recognizable car with the hottest girlfriend, well, ever. I almost feel bad for the VET-Bot. You know, he does have this awesome attachment that opens the big can of tomatoes we use to make marinara at the driver parties. I can’t help but wonder if he showed off those features on the podium that people might stop booing. Anyway, I have to go. WEB and I are going to give one another a therapeutic shave with straight razors and talk about coming in second.”

Felipe Massa, 6th
“Given everything that happened in today’s race, sixth place is a really good result. After a fantastic start, at the first corner I found myself stuck inside the cars that had braked early and, at that point I lost places instead of making up some. From then on, I was always stuck behind other cars and we all know how hard it is to overtake at this track. When the safety car came out, we had two options: to fit the medium tyres, with which we weren’t sure to go all the way to the end, or the supersofts, to try and regain some places. We went for the second option, but Di Resta was ahead of me on the same tyres and so I was stuck behind him. In the final stint after the third stop, I managed to retake sixth place, making the most of the fact that many were struggling with their tyres. It was tough from start to finish and I am very happy to have brought home a good points haul.”

MAS – “Guys! Guys! Still here, guys! Points! I got some points, guys! Tyres! We had to use some tyre strategy! Then there was a safety car! Guys! I got some points! You know how hard it is to pass here, right? Without crashing! It’s hard! Guys! Guys! Guys? Points, guys. Fuck it: I’m waiting ’til the garage clears out and i’m totally pooping on ‘Nando’s Ferrari car seat thingy.”

Lotus
Kimi Raikkonen, 3rd

“It’s been a difficult weekend, so to finish on the podium is a good result. The car felt good and it could have been even better if I’d been able to do more work in practice, but even with a better qualifying performance I think third was the maximum we could achieve today. The problem with my back hasn’t been ideal, but it felt much better than yesterday and I didn’t really notice it in the race, only afterwards. I have some time to recover before Korea and we were pretty strong there last year, so let’s see what we can do next time out.”

RAI – “At first, this weekend, I thought that I would show Lotus how very little I care. Ambivalence is my calling card, yes? Then, when I got out there, the ice dragon, Lohikäärme, came down out of the sky and blew this really refreshing blast of cold fire onto my pinched nerve. It really did the trick! What can’t these Ice Dragons do? You wouldn’t know from the NBCS feed, but, pain-free and ice-blessed, I then passed a shit-load of cars until I was in third. I was just close enough that I could hear the VET-Bot 2000 squawking on that damn harmonica.”

Romain Grosjean, DNF
“The race was going pretty well and I think a second or third place finish was a realistic prospect. We had a good strategy pitting under the safety car and we should have finished well, but unfortunately today my engine had other ideas. We lost air pressure and the team tried to fix the problem by topping it up with an additional pit stop, but that didn’t work so we had to retire which is never what you want to happen.”

GRO – “I watched that ‘air-pressure’ pit stop on YouTube. Every other suggested video fell under the ‘fucking painfully long and sad’ label and they were all videos from wedding receptions where someone was so drunk and not putting down the mic, talking about the time the bride was giving them the most awesome blow-job and that was just last week. That’s how painful that pit stop was. I asked Kimi’s ice dragon for a little air boost and he just laughed a frosty laugh: “Ha-ha. No: you’re French.” And then he flew off and it made me sad. Confidential to Eric: I don’t care who drives with me next year, but I sure-as-shit had better get Kimi’s car!”

Mercedes
Nico Rosberg, 4th

“I had a good start today and the pace of our car was really strong. The safety car was unfortunate timing for us and perhaps it wasn’t the best decision to stay out but, at the time, we weren’t sure if our tyres would be able to last the distance. I then had some rubber trapped in my front wing after the safety car period which cost me quite a lot of performance for some laps and had an impact on my race because the tyres suffered more than would be normal. We could perhaps have been second today but events in the race just didn’t go our way so it is a little disappointing to only finish in fourth place. We now need to learn from this weekend and focus on the next race in Korea.”

ROS – “Again: Angels, dancing, on my dick. Coming, in my jumpsuit. Listening to fucknuts-Hamilton bitching on the radio is like little, magic elves tickling my balls while the angels dance on my dick. It’s a goddamn good thing WEB and ALO didn’t pull that shit in front of me because I was totally not paying attention as I was fucking jizzing in my jumpsuit. It would’ve been awkward, too, post-crash, explaining why ‘I can’t get out of the car just now’.”

Lewis Hamilton, 5th
“That was a really tough race, probably the most physically demanding of the year. We tried our best and the car felt good but unfortunately we paid the price for not qualifying further ahead yesterday. I didn’t have the best start and had to go wide to avoid Mark at turn one. From there, it was difficult to follow the race and my position. Whilst the timing of the safety car definitely didn’t help us, we need to go back through our strategy and see what we could possibly have done differently in that situation. I’m not sure we could have done what Fernando and Kimi did by staying out on that set of tyres for so long, though. Of course, it’s a little disappointing to come away with only fifth place but I gave it my all out there and we’ll come back stronger. Our aim is to get back ahead of Ferrari in the constructors championship and see if we can get another win before the end of the season.”

HAM – “Victim victim victim. Victim. Victim, victim. Victim? Victim. Victim, victim and victim: victim. Victim. Victim victim – victim, victim – victim. (Victim). Bless.

McLaren
Jenson Button, 7th

“We thought we might have a chance of a podium, but in the end we didn’t have the pace to keep us ahead of the closing cars. It was good fun trying though, and we have to take risks if we want to get podium finishes this year. We expected to spend most of the race on the option tyre, so we’d set the car up for that. The prime tyre didn’t work so well for me, and having to hold Kimi off for so long destroyed my rear tyres and made things very tricky. In the end, as I say, we simply didn’t have enough pace to stop him overtaking. It was a good try though, and a P7 finish isn’t too bad. We couldn’t have done any better with a different strategy, I’m certain of that, and I’m glad we got some good points for the team.”

BUT – “Hey! Points! Hi! We’re McLaren and we’re excited to just have some points!”

Sergio Perez, 8th
“I think we should be satisfied with today’s result – as Jenson says P7 and P8 was probably the best we could have achieved today. In my view the safety car came at the wrong time for us, so we had to take a risk by choosing to drive to the finish with two pit stops. It was pretty tough to keep the car out of the barriers – not to crash yet to lose too much lap time – but as I say I think it was the right choice. Last but not least, although P7 and P8 isn’t brilliant, it’s the best we could have hoped for – and I dearly hope it’ll put a smile on the faces of my people, in my country, Mexico, who really need something to smile about at this very difficult time.”

PER – “I keep racking my brain for a decent Mexican translation of ‘turd polishing’, but I can’t think of anything. I come from this amazing country that’s pretty fucked up. It’s fucked up, but we kind of manage to have a good time so, in essence, our national identity is sort of a living version of turd polishing. So, there you go: McLaren 2013! The only metaphor that perfectly represents you is Mexico itself. Now, about this fucking national soccer team bullshit! What the fuck? Seriously, I come in 8th and that’s the goddamn salve for my country!? Breathe, Checo, breathe. Just think of that nice, cold Tecate waiting for you at the end of this nightmare season. A Tecate, some nopales and a al pastor. Focus, Checo, foooocussss.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 9th
“All in all we can be happy. We brought home two points. To be honest, I didn’t expect much more than that. You can’t expect that every weekend will be like Monza now, but we improved significantly. It was a very tough race. I had a very good start and then a racing situation with Sergio Perez. In the end, I did have to give back the position to him and I don’t quite agree with that. There was a Williams in the fight as well, Sergio was on the inside, but I had to leave space and caught the outer kerb. Then my car bottomed and I was off, however, I was in front of Sergio before and after the corner. At the end, it was a pure fight for survival, because the tyres were pretty much gone. Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton and Mark Webber were all on fresh tyres and I simply had to focus on staying on track and finishing the race.”

HUL – “We’re all just back here, fucking fighting like hyenas over the little scraps of victory left behind once the VET-Bot 200 is done feasting on the giant carcass of total domination.”


Esteban Gutierrez, 12th
“We expected a better result today. Our pace during the race was not good enough, especially at the beginning as I was fighting a lot with the car. At times I pushed a bit too much, had a lot of oversteer and the tyres were degrading. It was one of the toughest races I have ever had. I did the best I could and this is where we finished. The strategy was not ideal either. Nevertheless, the weekend was a step forward and now I will keep working to improve.”

GUT – “I can’t quite decide who to blame, so I’ll just spread it out all thin and watery over everything that occurs to me. Was there a full moon this weekend? That was probably it. What? There wasn’t? Well, that’s why.”

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 10th
“It was a tough race and exhausting in the end. So it feels great to come away with a point and it’s a small motivation for the whole team. In the closing laps of the race I was catching the train of cars in front of me – Perez, Button and Hulkenberg. I thought I had a chance to get ahead of at least one of them, but as soon as I reached the back of the train my tyres went off. In fact, we were all struggling with tyres and I couldn’t attack anymore because it felt like driving on ice. So I’m happy to take the point and it’s well deserved by the whole team.”

SUT – “F1 conga line, you suck balls. Fucking MAL had his hands all over my hips, like, more than just the light touch you use when you don’t really want to be touching someone. He was, like, enjoying my hips. It was weird. That must be why he hits people so often: he’s one those ‘touchy’ people.”

Paul di Resta, 20th
“It’s such a shame to come away with nothing to show from a race where we had put ourselves in a position to score some valuable points. The management of the tyres was good and the overall performance in race conditions was very strong. Even without the safety car we were in good shape, but as a team we made the right calls and were looking to challenge the train of cars ahead of us in the final few laps. Then I had the incident at turn seven. I’m still not sure what happened, but I took the corner the same way as I had done the previous lap and the car went straight on and wouldn’t stop. The team is investigating what happened.”

DIR – “I heard this lonesome harmonica playing as the Vet-Bot lapped me and that really distracted me as it made me feel very melancholy. So I was trying to figure out why I felt so sad, then I was thinking about this spanking my father gave me once and there I was in the wall.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 11th
“We recovered two places at the start and after a couple of laps we were pushing towards the cars in front whilst also trying to manage the rear tyres. My tyre management was good throughout the race and I was able to push hard in the final stages on the super soft tyres. We just missed out on points in the end, but we’ll be looking to progress a step further in the next race.”

MAL – “We had this awesome conga line going and you could hear bongos and I had this vision of everyone in feathery shirts and tight pants. SUT kept pulling away from me, but I could tell he liked the way I was rough with him. Too bad about the points.”

Valtteri Bottas, 13th
“It was one of the most difficult races of the whole season for me today. Immediately at the start we had a problem with the clutch which meant we lost a few positions. After the safety car we had a few problems with debris in the front wing, which made the car difficult to drive. These limiting factors meant we couldn’t go any faster today and so we did the best we could with what we had.”

BOT – “I was on the back end of the conga line, watching MAL groping SUT, feeling kinda glad the car wasn’t faster.”

Toro Rosso
Jean-Eric Vergne, 14th
“My start was not the best and, in an effort to compensate for that, we switched from a two stop to a three stop strategy and I believe it could have paid off in terms of getting me back into the points. However, I then found I was having a lot of trouble just keeping the car on track and my tyres were completely worn out at the end, by which time, I had already been told to back off as the car was overheating. This is always a long, tough race and it felt particularly long for me, as I had no one to fight against in the closing stages, apart from working to keep the car away from the barriers. I always try to look on the positive side and in that respect, the updates we brought here seemed to work and we have learned a lot about the car. Therefore I still believe we can have a strong end to the season, starting in Korea, where I expect the car to work very well.”

VER – “Blergh.”

Daniel Ricciardo, DNF
“The crash was my error, trying to make up for lost ground. At the start, my car just seemed to sit there without moving off the line. It was very frustrating to lose so many places right away. I think I went down five places from ninth on the grid to fourteenth. So I was on the back foot from then on, just trying to do the best I could. In the second stint, my engineer came on the radio and said ‘the pace is good, keep pushing.’ I was aware that for the pace we had, we were not doing too badly and maybe at the end I was just trying to get too much out of it and made that mistake. It’s a delicate corner with not much run-off and I went too deep into the apex. I then braked a bit harder, locked a wheel and went into the wall. It’s not a mistake I’m used to making. I will learn from this.”

RIC – “Bernie could hear the TV sets turning off all across the Eurozone so he made the call. I already had some puppet-strings installed in my body as part of my contract with Red Bull. All Bernie had to do was sign into the server, take over my body and I toodled into that wall for all of F1 and Bernie and, well, really just Bernie.”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 16th
“That was a tough race but for me a really good one – I have to say I really enjoyed myself out there tonight! Fighting with the Williams for most of the race was great, really good and I’m pleased for Tony and Kamarudin that we could put in a performance like that back in South East Asia. After a bit of a poor start I was past Charles, Bianchi and Bottas by the end of lap one and was up behind Sutil until the first stop. The car was absolutely great on the super softs – my pace in the first stint was really strong, the same as the cars up to 12th and it just felt great for the whole first stint. We boxed for a set of mediums on lap 12 and re-joined in 18th, still ahead of Bottas who was on super softs for the second stint. With the pace advantage that compound has here there wasn’t a lot I could do to hold him off and he passed me about three laps later. When the safety car came out we boxed for another set of mediums and after the race re-started my pace was good again. I was right up with Bottas and then passed him again when he went off a couple of laps into the stint. As the fuel levels dropped he got past me again so we focused on catching Charles who had stayed out on a two stop plan. With a long final stint he was managing his tyres and I was catching him at about two seconds a lap, and just before he had to make the final stop I passed him and then held 16th to the flag. As I say, it’s good to have had a strong race here and I’m pleased for the whole team that we could fight with Williams for a lot of the race. I’m now staying out in the Far East for a break before Korea and even though tonight’s race was tough physically I’m already looking forward to getting back in the car.”

GAR – “Still just happy to be here!”

Charles Pic, 19th
“Even though I finished 19th I’m not too disappointed. We tried a two-stop strategy but this time it didn’t work out – sometimes plans like that work, sometimes they don’t and this was one of those days. Away from the line I had a pretty good start but had to move aside to avoid Bianchi and was then stuck behind him for most of the first stint. Just before we were due to box I passed him and opened up a gap within a couple of laps so the first stop wasn’t so much of a fight. I was back out on track on a new set of mediums, clear of him and immediately started pushing on to my teammate. When the safety car came out I boxed early, re-joining in 19th on another set of mediums and right up with Giedo after his stop. The car felt okay at that point – the tyres were performing really well and when Giedo came in again we made the call to switch to a two stop strategy. I had a lot of laps left so I had to manage the pace so I could look after the tyres to the end but with six laps left the rears were gone so we had to come in again. My race was effectively over at that point because, even with the big pace advantage I had on the super softs, we used in the final stint I didn’t have enough laps to catch the cars ahead.”

PIC – “Did you guys see all the clag all over the track?! It was like a freaking buffet of clag! It was like one of those Argentinian restaurants where they just walk around with big skewers of meat and you flip a card to green and they walk up with the meat but, here, instead of meat, it was clag, glorious clag. I was so fucking stuffed on clag, I got drowsy and let Smilin’ Max Chilton pass me and I didn’t even fucking care.”

Marussia
Max Chilton, 17th
“What started off as quite a tough race with the balance then thankfully improved and in the end it was not a bad race for us. Once again we got another two car finish out of it which is good for the team and we maintain our 10th place in the championship. The degradation was quite high and it was a tough challenge to manage the tyres and still try to push for opportunities with Caterham, which came along when Pic stopped late in the race enabling us to gain an extra place. Overall I’m pleased with my first night race and have enjoyed the whole Singapore experience.”

CHI – “GUYS! FUCKING 17TH PLACE!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?! I CROSSED THE LINE AND SAW CARS IN MY MIRROR AND REALIZED IT WASN’T JUST SEBASTIAN, LAPPING ME AGAIN, AND I WAS ALL, ‘WHHHHHHAAAAAAA????!!!!’ THIS IS SO AWESOME! O LOVE F1!!!”

Jules Bianchi, 18th
“I was hoping for better today but the first half of the race didn’t go at all well for me. Just as I was stopping for the first time I lost the gears and I was worried it was mechanical but we stopped again to change the steering wheel and the problem thankfully went away. The second stint was tough because I was so far back by then and it was looking like it would be a very long and lonely race, also hitting the blue flag phase much earlier than usual. When the safety car came out it helped enormously as we were able to catch up and unlap ourselves. After struggling with traction initially I was then able to get into a good rhythm with strong pace. I was quicker but whilst trying to pass my team mate my tyres went away completely and we had to stop again much earlier than plan. After that, having seen the degradation we were incurring trying to push, I had no option but to hold back but at least I was able to gain a place when Pic stopped again at the end. Some difficult points in the race but what matters is the team result.”

BIA – “It’s going to be fucking ten days before CHI stops smiling about this race. I’m going to find the nearest noodle shop and hide out until Korea.”

2013 Italian Grand Prix Post-Race Drivers’ Quotes, Translated

"Eat your 'heart' out, VET-Bot 2000!!"

“Eat your ‘heart’ out, VET-Bot 2000!!”

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“It’s fantastic to win this event again. I just managed to make turn one! I locked the front right and it just didn’t seem to come back. I had a big flat spot, which I felt straight away and I wasn’t sure if the tyre would survive, but fortunately I managed to make it round and have a strong first stint. I pushed straight away to get a bit of a gap, in case we had to stop early and change to a two stop strategy. We had a gearbox issue and I had to short shift, which meant we dropped some time in the straights – but I tried to make it up in the corners. It’s great to finish on the top step. The podium here is always very passionate. We are in Italy and when you walk around outside the track, you see Ferrari clothing and merchandise in all the shops starting from the smallest sizes upwards; it’s part of their DNA, which I understand. It was great for the Tifosi to have Fernando on the podium today. The season is going well and we’re pushing hard, but we take each race as it comes. We’re looking forward to Singapore next, which I want to finish; I think it’s the toughest race we have all year.”

VET – “They introduced a new sub-routine to my positrons this week. It’s one where I attempt to inject some drama into my absolute dominance: ‘My tyre had a flat spot! I thought I might not make it! I ‘managed’ to make it around!’. Obviously, though, the programming needs some tweaking: Look at me people! I’m chatting up the fucking MERCH! Even Darth fucking Vader remained more engaged with the pathetic rebellion. By Austin, my entire post-race quote will just be about the crazy belt buckles I saw this weekend in Texas!”

Mark Webber, 3rd
“It’s a great place here and it’s very special to finish on the podium. It’s not the circuit where I’ve had the best results in the past, so it’s a bit of a personal best for me in qualifying and the race. I felt better on the soft tyres today; I had a good battle with Fernando, fair play to him on that and then afterwards I settled in to getting my head down and getting on with the race. We got Felipe on the stop, which was great. I was happy with my in lap, the pit stop was great and then my out lap was strong, so we cleared him reasonably comfortably. We had to nurse the gearbox a bit at the end, but overall it was a good result. Seb is very strong around here and it was great to get such a good result today.”

WEB – “Good luck scoring Constructor’s Points next season, bitches!”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 2nd

“Stepping onto the Monza podium is always a special feeling, as it’s the only one where you can feel all the love that the fans have for the team and it’s the best prize at the end of what was an almost perfect weekend. ‘Almost’ because our championship rivals won and we send them our congratulations. We went well on both Friday and Saturday, getting both cars in the top five, but Red Bull was able to do better. When Vettel pitted, we were still doing green sector times and so we opted to lengthen the stint as much as possible, at least while Webber was not becoming a threat. That way, we could have tried to get Vettel on Hard tyres that were fresher by a few laps. We tried our best and even if we have to be realistic about our championship chances, as it’s not an easy task to close down a 53 point gap in the few remaining races, in Formula 1 anything can happen and we will believe in our chances all the way to the finish line in Brazil, always trying to give a hundred percent.”

ALO – “Yep, we thought it would be a great strategy to stay out on old tyres, trying to stretch a lead out on the fresh-rubbered VET-Bot 2000. In other news, rather than war-game race strategies, we recently doubled the budget of our ‘Lying-to-Ourselves-About-Our-Chances” department.”

Felipe Massa, 4th
“I am very happy with my race, which went fantastically well right from the beginning, thanks to a nice start which moved me up two places. The pace was good on both compounds and we ran consistently throughout the whole race. It was a shame I lost the place to Webber at the pit stop, because today, the podium was within our grasp and it would have been brilliant to celebrate with our fans at our home race. Today, overtaking wasn’t easy, because, when you find yourself behind another car, especially in the second sector, you loose a lot of downforce. Overall, the weekend has been very positive for me and for the whole team. We brought home a good points haul, but we know we still have a lot of work to do if we want to improve. As far as that’s concerned, I will be doing my utmost right to the very end of the Championship.”

MAS – “Is Italy over? Can I breathe again? Can there be a trophy for the driver who most performs when every shred of his being needs him to, when the last vestiges of his dignity require some sort of respectable outcome to a single race? Would that fit on a large plaque, at least? Thank god fucking HUL screwed the pooch on that start!”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 5th

“It’s a great result and, after yesterday, another great performance by the team today. I am very happy and fifth was the ideal result. Despite starting third, it was always clear keeping the Ferrari and Red Bulls behind was not realistic. I lost two places right at the start, but then the pace was good and, especially towards the end, I was able to catch up quite a bit again. I kept the Mercedes behind with Rosberg leaving no room for me making any mistakes. It’s a very nice result for the team, and finally we have some points again. I hope this will give us some momentum, so we can carry this form on to the next couple of races.”

HUL – “Were it not MAS being fueled by some insane, NOS-like concoction of desperation and terror at the start, I would’ve done ever better! Fucking momentum! Momentum, like all the fucking fickle girlfriends I had in grade school; momentum can go fuck itself.”

Esteban Gutierrez, 13th
“The start of the race was quite reasonable. I gained one place, but the first corner was tricky. It was important to keep the car together. I was able to settle down well during the first few laps. I was trying to manage the tyres as best I could, but, of course, you can’t compromise too much. Overall, it was a good race. Obviously, we cannot be happy, because it’s not a great result. However, the race was positive. Now we have to improve in qualifying, so we can start in a better position. I’m confident we will get there.”

GUT – “All this talk about Mr. Fever over there and what team he may or may not go to and here I am, honing my platitudes to a razor’s edge. Can a hermano get some fucking respect over here, yo?!”


Mercedes
Nico Rosberg, 6th

“This hasn’t been one of our best weekends and it feels like everything was a little compromised from the outset. It’s a real shame as the pace of the car looked really good in the race but we weren’t able to take full advantage because of the issues from yesterday. It’s so important here to feel comfortable with the set-up and I wasn’t able to get the car as I wanted after losing the time in third practice. I tried everything to overtake Hulkenberg for the extra place today but he was very quick at the end and it didn’t work out. Now we’ll look forward to Singapore in a couple of weeks. I love street circuits so hopefully that will be a better weekend for us.”

ROS – “Heh. Still came in ahead of HAM and his fucking pity parade. I could give a shit less about the car or how this season plays out: every fucking time I cross the line ahead of him, a harem of feathery angels dances on my dick until I come inside jumpsuit. HUL can think he fought me off all he wants. Truth is: I was getting off.”

Lewis Hamilton, 9th
“That was a difficult weekend for me but these things happen and you have to say that it’s been a good year so far. I gave it my all out there today; the pace of the car was great but unfortunately we paid the price for not qualifying far enough up the field. My radio failed right at the start of the race and it’s really tough when that happens as you rely on the advice and information from the team to manage your race. I didn’t even know about the slow puncture until after the race so now it makes more sense why we had to make the extra stop. I did have some fun this afternoon, particularly fighting with Kimi. It’s just tough fighting so far down the field when our car was clearly really quick. We’ll keep pushing together as a team and I know that we’ll bounce back for Singapore. We’ll be giving it everything to make up for this weekend with a stronger performance there.”

HAM – “Yeah, it was a problem that my radio wasn’t working ’cause, when my radio’s not working, I don’t have any opportunity to broadcast my suffering to the world and, if I can’t broadcast my suffering to the world, then I have no opportunity to enjoy the feeling of of forcing the world to see me as the center of the universe and, if I’m not the center of the universe, than I am nothing. It’s also a bitch because, when they can’t give me orders, then the only person to blame for failure is me. . . And the tyres. . . . and the car. . . . and the other drivers. . . . .and my dog. . . . . and my dad. . . . . and god. . . . .Wait! Not my dad. So, um, never give up? (H)ard (A)s a (M)otherfucker?”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 7th

“I am pleased with that! After qualifying well yesterday, it was nice to maintain that position at the end of today. In recent races where we have managed to qualify in the top ten, we didn’t have the pace to stay there in the race, but today we did. I think I got the most out of the car, managing to keep the guys behind me and the low downforce set up certainly helped us down the straights. The others got close to me in the second sector, but I was able to pull away once we got to the high speed sections, which we knew from yesterday would be our strong point. We must keep pushing hard on the car development for the next few races, because hopefully, a top five finish is not too far away.”

RIC – “Blah-der-beee. Blah-blah. I could give a rat’s ass. I’m going to be the VET-Bot’s bottom boy next season! It will be an honor to have them give me the shitty gearbox, the loose wheel nuts and then shit all over me for coming in 4th and 3rd every race.”

Jean-Eric Vergne, DNF
“Everything was going well, I wasn’t actually in a battle at the time and was conserving my tyres and controlling Button behind me quite easily. Then I felt something was wrong and had to stop at the side of the track. I said on the radio I thought the engine had gone, but actually it was still running and it seems I had some sort of transmission problem. A real shame, especially as I knew my final stint on the hard compound tyre would be even stronger. I would definitely have finished quite high up in the points as the guys ahead were not pulling away from me. I seem to be suffering a lot of bad luck this season, but I keep believing the turning point will come soon.”

VER – “MEH!”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 8th

“It isn’t easy to follow another car with the aero configurations that we had for the race here but we got the best result we could have done having started in P13. Unfortunately we had a poor pit stop where we had an electronic problem and the light didn’t turn to green, so we lost a few seconds there. I think we could have come out in front of the two McLarens and the Toro Rosso, which would have made things a bit easier for a stronger result. I had a good battle with Lewis on the last lap. I think we did the best we could here in Monza and I hope that for Singapore we can get back to the level of performance that we had in Budapest.”

GRO – “I can’t tell you how much fun it is to mention ‘McLaren’ and ‘Toro Rosso’ in the same breath!”

Kimi Raikkonen, 11th
“When I lost the front wing I had to come in and change to a new one meaning an extra pit stop which we hadn’t planned. It’s not just the time in the pits, but you have to work your way through the field afterwards. We did a pretty good job of that and the car felt good, surprisingly good given where we were on Saturday. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do after the start to the race we had.”

RAI – “Yep. I can’t imagine what would’ve kept me distracted and under-performing this weekend. Nothing comes to mind, really. Nothing at all.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 10th
“I had a bad start when my clutch slipped, and I dropped a few places. That first stint was quite good fun, but, once I got stuck behind Daniel [Ricciardo], there was no way of getting past him. We didn’t get the gear ratios quite right today. Consequently, as our fuel loads decreased, and our cornering speeds should have increased, we were hampered by our rev-limiters, and that made it easier for the cars behind to overtake us and harder for us to overtake the cars ahead of us. In clear air, our pace was pretty good – but, with such a short top gear, especially with DRS deployed, we were hitting the rev-limiter while other cars weren’t being rev-limited. Moreover, about 15 laps from the end, I locked up into the first corner and severely flat-spotted my front right tyre – I couldn’t really see a lot after that, because of vibration, but I still managed to bring it home and score a world championship point for the team. Finally, I just want to say a big ‘thank you’ to all the guys in the garage today. They had to really work hard to repair my car’s fuel system before the race, in record time, and they pulled out all the stops to get it all done. It was touch and go for a while, but they responded really well and did an incredible job. In a tight spot, they’re the best guys out there – and, once again, they were faultless today.”

BUT – “Salvaged a point, one point, for the prestigious McLaren legacy today. All this talk of our 50th anniversary has me wondering if we aren’t the GMC of F1. Christ, here’s hoping this season is the conflagration from which the phoenix of a new and better fucking season will rise. I will admit: I have really enjoyed learning how to swear at these assholes in Spanish!”

Sergio Perez, 12th
“It was a disappointing afternoon, and I think we deserved more than that. I got hit from behind into Turn One and had to cut the chicane, unfortunately. Then, throughout the race, I was held up by Daniel’s Toro Rosso. My car was quicker overall, but its straight-line speed just wasn’t strong enough to get me up and alongside him to try a pass. We stopped one lap later than we’d planned, and I lost a position to Jenson when the stop didn’t go too well. From then on, I was stuck in a train of cars; and, without a straight line speed advantage, I just couldn’t get past anyone.”

PER – “I’m running out of fucking Spanish swear words to teach BUT.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado, 14th

“It was a poor race for us from the beginning because of losing a couple of positions at the start which were then hard to recover. There was little pace from the car, I think we did quite well on the strategy but whatever we did today it was not enough to recover places. It was a disappointing race but I am looking forward to the next one.”

MAL – “I guess I sort of ‘stepped it up’ this weekend. If by ‘stepped it up’, you mean ‘Didn’t drive into anybody like a fucking idiot’.”

Valtteri Bottas, 15th
“I maintained my position at the start but from the first few laps I couldn’t really challenge any of the cars ahead as we just didn’t have the race pace today. It was good that we were able to do our planned one stop, but most of the others did this as well. I’m now looking forward to Singapore; it’s a new track for me so I hope we can do better there.”

BOT – “I was pretty much counting on MAL hitting somebody so I could come in 14th.”

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 16th

“A tough race today and in the end we had to retire the car because of issues with the brakes. I tried my best and I don’t think we could have delivered anymore because I was on the limit throughout the race. The pit stop was good, but the team had to hold me on the exit because Maldonado was coming in, which meant I lost a position to Gutierrez. I was able to pass him again on the track, but there were some quick cars [Kimi and Lewis] with fresher tyres and there was no way to hold them off. Points were not too far away, but overall we didn’t have the pace this weekend.”

SUT – “I think I must be fucking delusional. Sorry: I AM fucking delusional.”

Paul di Resta, DNF
“It has been one of those weekends to forget, starting with the brake failure yesterday and the early retirement today. I just got caught out going into the second chicane because the cars ahead of me got backed up – I guess they were reacting to the tussle going on ahead of them. I locked both fronts trying to stop the car and ended up hitting Grosjean. Unfortunately it was too late to take avoiding action. Now we need to look forward to Singapore and put this one behind us.”

RES – “How ’bout that infrared heat camera footage of the accident?! Pretty fucking awesome, huh?!”

Caterham
Charles Pic, 17th

“My start was good and I held position into turn one and was up with Bottas and pushing to keep pace with him. Up to the first pit stop I was just about keeping him in range but then in the second stint he was a lot quicker and I simply didn’t have the pace to fight with him. The car felt okay, the first set of tyres worked pretty well and we stuck to the strategy, coming in for the first stop on lap 17. We went onto the primes for the second and third stints and, honestly, from the time I re-joined the track after the first stop the rest of the race was pretty quiet for me. When the blue flags started coming out we had to manage the traffic and that obviously cost us more time, but our pace meant we were able to cover off our nearest competitors one stop strategy and that was the main target today. We’ve shown over the last few races that we definitely have a pace advantage over them, and we have enough races left to keep fighting for tenth place in the championship. Next we go to Singapore which is going to be an incredibly busy race off-track, and on track I think our car will be suited to the heat and layout of the track. After a quiet race today it’ll be good to have a few more battles!”

PIC – “Italy is hard for me because the culinary tradition of clag is so rich here. Clag with Bolognese, Clag Alfredo, Clag ziti, Clag with communal wafers. . . .. I guess my favorite has to be clag ravioli. Fuck, if I ever start winning, I’m going to loose, like, 50 pounds.”

Giedo van der Garde, 18th
“After good starts for most of the season I have to say this wasn’t one of my best, but I overtook the Marussia halfway through lap one and was up with Charles until he pitted for the first time. I came in a lap later and with a new set of hard tyres the car felt good – my pace was on target and I was easily able to pull away from the cars behind and push on to Charles. We were running a two stop strategy and I came in for the second stop when I was given the command to box. There was a communication mistake on the pit wall and when I came in the guys weren’t ready for me which obviously cost me a lot of time and I came out behind Bianchi, but I passed him pretty quickly and set about trying to catch my team mate. It’s a shame as my pace in the second stint was really good and I’d have had a chance to pass Charles, but sometimes these things happen – that’s racing.”

GAR – “Probably, my team was all sleepy from eating so much clag ravioli.”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 19th

“I was really pleased with my start as I got ahead of both Caterhams’ into the first corner. Unfortunately our early pace was not sufficient to hold them off and they regained position by the end of the first lap. In the first stint we had started to make some good progress and were catching them but after the pit stop the balance was not there and we struggled on the hard compound tyre, dropping back from them again. We were on a one stop, Caterham on two, and I was able to move up to P18 and keep Van der Garde behind for a while, but not long enough unfortunately and it was especially tough to make any progress during the blue flag phase. It is a shame I could not have a strong race today at a track I love, but on to Singapore now, which I am really looking forward to.”

BIA – “Truly, it is at this point is the season that, as happy as I am to be here, I start having nightmares about those fucking blue flags. It’s like when you turn on your radio and all there is is that goddamned Robin Thicke song and, at first, it’s so awesome, you don’t mind that you’re hearing it every ten minutes everywhere you go. Then, eventually, you just want to kill yourself. Looking forward to Singapore! The blue flags look really cool at night. . . . Oh, wait. . . Blue flags. . . . .Fuck.”

Max Chilton, 20th
“Another tough race today and one which underlined the balance problems we’ve been experiencing all weekend. The start was okay but we weren’t able to keep pace with the competition today. What I was encouraged by was my pace versus my team mate – there was nothing between us for the first 25 laps but every time I got close enough to overtake I lost downforce, so I couldn’t do anything to improve. I kept with him throughout the rest of the race, despite experiencing the toughest blue flag phase of the season, when it was really hard to make sure I gave the space needed at the right time and not suffer a huge loss of time myself. Time now to say goodbye to the European phase of my debut season for what will be a very challenging run of long-haul races I think

CHI – “GUYS! I AM NO LONGER SO TOTALLY PSYCHED TO BE HERE! WHAT THE FUCK? I DIDN’T REALIZE I’D BE EATING EVERYONE’S DUST ALL SEASON!!!!! NEXT RACE IS AT NIGHT! SHOULD BE AWESOME! TO COME IN 20th. . . . WAIT! AUGH!!!!!”

2013 Belgian Grand Prix Post-Race Driver’s Quotes, Translated

F1 Champ Sebastian Vettel Pays Tribute To Beyonce With New Hair Style

Vet-Bot 2000, they’re not booing you, they’re booing your hair.

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel, 1st

“I don’t think we expected to be dominant here, and it surprised all of us actually; it’s a great result. I think we knew going into the race that our race pace, compared to Mercedes, maybe gave us a little in hand, but we didn’t know where we were compared to the others, especially Ferrari, and Lotus looked very quick in dry conditions also. It wasn’t clear if the rain was going to come at the end of the race, so we kept pushing, but the gap we had by that stage meant we were able to control the race from there and the last couple of laps weren’t too stressful.”

VET – “Yeah, I wasn’t sure about the rain, so I kept pushing for fastest laps. Also, I like the color that Newey and Adrian’s faces turn when I ignore them on the radio and just drive however the fuck I want. You know, now that I think about it: FUCK THESE GUYS! I could win the WCC for these assholes saddled with CHI as a team-mate. I will, in fact, drive however the fuck I want. Heh, yeah, the last couple of laps weren’t too stressful. . .if you mean “from the second lap on”, it wasn’t too stressful. Jesus, sometimes I shock even myself, I’m such an asshole.” 

Mark Webber,5th
“The two practice starts before the race weren’t great and so we were a bit worried about the clutch going to the start, which put us on to the back foot. We tried our best, but lost a couple of rows off the line which is not good. We then had to try and clear people on the track, which was difficult, as we had set up the top gear to race in clean air, rather than to pass. The bad start put us out of position and it snowballs from there, as you use up the tyres trying to get back into position.”

WEB – “What’s that? Porsches have clutches, too?!!!?? Fuck.”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso, 2nd
“Today’s result shows that the outcome of qualifying bears little relation to the result on Sunday, although I think that even if I’d started from pole I would still have finished second, because Vettel was quicker. At the start we immediately made up some places and all in a rush, first passing Button, then Rosberg and Hamilton, so I found myself six seconds behind Vettel, but if one looks at the final gap of 16 seconds, we can but congratulate him and his team. The car worked well in all conditions, with a full fuel load at first and then with a lighter one at the end and, on top of that, the extra speed we had on the straight meant I could overtake without taking too many laps to do so. We know we have made a step forward and that we have recovered some of the competitiveness we had lost in recent races. In Monza and Singapore we will see the next steps in this process. The updates used in this race worked well and, even if they were aimed at this particular circuit, they are the results of work that goes on twenty four hours a day, at home and at the track. That makes us optimistic for the coming races, because our goal still remains the same, namely to fight for the title right to the end”.

ALO- “I have to talk about ‘steps’ and ‘process’ and ‘optimism’  because if I don’t talk about those things, I have to realize that that 16 second gap at the end was just the result of the VET-bot 2000 actually listening to Cristian for once and, probably, he could’ve lapped the entire field and all the beautiful girlfriends in the universe couldn’t stop the tears of frustration from flowing down my face for all of eternity.”

Felipe Massa, 7th
“That was a difficult race for me right from the early stages, because after managing a good passing move at the start, I then had to slow and drop back four or five places, to avoid a collision with Grosjean at the exit of the first corner. From then on, things got complicated because for a few laps I had a problem on the steering wheel linked to the KERS operation and I wasn’t able to communicate well with the team. When everything was back to normal again, it wasn’t easy to catch up, because even if the decision to bring forward the first pit stop allowed me to get past several cars, the pace wasn’t good. In the final stint on the Hard tyres, the car was very competitive and I managed to gain some important places, with a nice passing move on Grosjean. I definitely can’t be pleased with seventh place, because today, our car deserved better, but the fact we’re more competitive than at the last few races makes me think we are working in the right direction and so we can hope to make progress throughout the second half of the season”

MAS – “Seriously, look at the language I’m using in this quote. I’ve used more positive words to describe my dog’s poops! I made a nice passing move on Grosjean. . On Grosjean! That’s like shitting yourself and being happy that your hat is still clean. ALO has to watch VET walk away with races n’shit; you think that’s hard?! I have to look in mirrors and other reflective surfaces!!!”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton, 3rd

“I got everything that I could out of the car today but we just weren’t as quick as Sebastian and Fernando. I made a nice start and it felt like the exit out of turn one was good, too. But Seb just caught me on the run out of Eau Rouge and there wasn’t really much I could do to defend: I moved once, like we are allowed to, but then I just had to watch him glide by. From that point, it was very difficult to hold on to him, and the same thing happened with Fernando, too, later in the race. We have done a good job this weekend but Spa and Monza are always unique tracks because of the low-drag requirements and I expect we will be more competitive in Singapore again. It’s still a great team result to finish third with Nico right behind me in fourth, so we will take the positives from this afternoon into the next races.”

HAM – “At least I beat Nico across the line. I can look Roscoe in the face when I get home.”

Nico Rosberg, 4th
“Fourth place was a reasonable result for me today, and it’s great that we achieved a strong points finish for the team with Lewis’ third place as well. The whole weekend hasn’t gone perfectly for me and you are always slightly on the back foot in the race when qualifying doesn’t go as well as planned. I had a great start but I wasn’t able to go as long as planned on the second stint and I had to cover Felipe. But in the end, it was nice to keep Mark behind me and get fourth place. We have a lot of work ahead of us now and we need to look into why we weren’t as competitive as a couple of the other teams today.”

ROS – “I pretty much let HAM go by me. I was getting pretty tired of him coming up to me in the garage, showing me drawings of prospective haircuts and then walking away with tears welling up in his eyes. He was beat-boxing, too, to try and cheer himself up, but he’d start to cry and then it was this blubbering beat-boxing. . . . Sigh. . . . .So, yeah, I let him pass me.”

McLaren
Jenson Button, 6th

“We were trying for a one-stop strategy at the start of the race, then we adapted that to a two-stopper later on. We gave it a go, but our pace still wasn’t quite as good as that of the cars in front of us, so we couldn’t really chase them down at the end of the race. Having said that, it was a decent race for us. Moreover, as always, it was really fun to race around this magnificent circuit – I really enjoyed driving the car today. In terms of performance there’s been a small but definite improvement, so we should be pleased with the progress we’ve made. I’m pretty happy with the feel of the car now, in fact; okay, there’s still room for improvement in terms of pace, but the good thing is that we know which areas we should be focusing on. So I’m looking forward to Monza – another great circuit – where hopefully we can take another small step. We’re not going to be fighting at the front, we know that; instead we’re concentrating on ourselves, gradually understanding more about the car, and progressively improving things. There are still a lot of grand prix left this season, and we can enjoy some of them, I’m sure.”

BUT – “We didn’t totally suck today! Woo-hoo! Lots of racing left this season! More chances to suck less! Go team!”

Sergio Perez, 11th
“My race started pretty well. I managed to make up a couple of positions at the start, and then a few more in the first 10 laps, and at that point things were looking pretty good. I was happy with the balance of the car and we were on a good strategy. Then came the drive-through, and after that it was always going to be tricky to score any points. What happened with Romain [Grosjean] was unfortunate. I got ahead of him, and took the corner, but I now understand where the penalty came from, even if I’m naturally disappointed for myself and for the team. These things are always difficult, but the team spirit at McLaren is unbelievably strong and now, together, we simply have to move on. What we must now do is look ahead to Monza, and do our very best to make up for the points we missed out on here at Spa.”

PER – “Looking ahead to Monza? Shit, I’m looking ahead to Vallarta in November. I’m taking this barge of a car onto a barge, dumping it in the Pacific and then hitting the beach at Yelapa with about 14 cases of Modelo. I will drink, there, on the beach, and eat of the ocean and sleep on the beach until I wake from this nightmare. I hear Torro Rosso has a seat open.”

Lotus
Romain Grosjean, 8th

“We had a difficult first lap where we lost a few positions and then dropped back a couple more places in the incident with Sergio [Perez]. We decided on a one stop strategy today and with the new tyres I felt that the grip was much higher than before but I knew that it would be difficult to get the time back. We tried something different and you never know; had it rained in the middle of the race we could have been well-placed to take advantage. It is good to finish the race without any mistakes, even if eighth place isn’t what we were hoping for this weekend; it’s also a shame that Kimi didn’t finish the race, but we go to Monza hopeful of better things.”

GRO – “Really, the less said, the better.”

Kimi Raikkonen, DNF
“I had a brake failure so there was really no point in trying to continue. We both got good starts off the line but there wasn’t enough space into the first corner where I went over the kerb and lost some time, but after that I was pushing as hard as I could. There were some brake issues at the beginning of the race but we were managing them and it was going okay until we had to retire. We’ve finished a lot of races and had some good reliability; one day your luck has to run out and today was that day.”

RAI – “Pragmatism, bitches! Learn it! Love it! Live it!”

Translation Svcs – Can we all just admit to ourselves that this race became exponentially more boring after Kimi DNF’d? Regardless of how you feel about Kimi (except that, if you don’t like him, you are fucked in the head) every race could be framed around “Yeah, VET is winning, but where’s Kimi? Yeah, ALO is driving like an unconscious wizard, but where’s Kimi?” His DNF’ing just made me appreciate what he brings to this sport even more.

Force India
Adrian Sutil, 9th

“An interesting and exciting race, and it’s good to come away with two points. At the start I didn’t make the best getaway and lost a few places, but after that I settled into the race and was able to get ahead of a few cars and move into the top ten. I always enjoy driving here at Spa and I had some exciting overtaking moves today, which felt very nice. The two-stop strategy was the best way to go and it worked out well because I think we achieved the maximum that was available to us. We are still in a close fight with McLaren so it was important to get back in the points today after a couple of tough races.”

SUT – “I had a good race but McLaren should be ashamed of themselves.”

Paul di Resta, DNF
“I got a lot of wheel-spin at the start of the race and was down in about tenth place going into turn one, but during the first lap I managed to recover to seventh. After the second pit stop I was racing closely with Adrian and there was a train of four cars battling as we went into the final chicane. Pastor [Maldonado] went in deep and missed the apex so I tried to get the cut-back and was going around the outside of him. He then decided to try and enter the pit lane, which was impossible given his track position. As a result he hit me, which took the rear corner off my car. It’s a real shame because the speed was quite strong today and I think there was definitely a point or two up for grabs.”

RES – “Every week, it’s a ‘Who’s-Pastor-Going-to-Hit-this-Weekend?” lottery. I won.”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo, 10th

“It was nice to get that point! We ran a long first stint on the hard tyres and I think that helped us build a good base to have a strong pace in the final stints on the medium. I felt much more comfortable on the Option tyre and that’s when my race really started. With the last set of tyres I was knocking out maybe ten or so qualifying laps and managed to pick off some cars in front to bring home that crucial point. We knew we had to move on from yesterday. I had said that starting where we were, getting in the points would be good, so I’m happy with that and with the pace we showed while fighting to get there.”

RIC – “I’m very pumped about enjoying these last few races before my primary duty is making sure the VET-Bot 2000 stays lubricated and happy.” 

Jean-Eric Vergne, 12th
“I think we could have done a bit better than this 12th place, because my pace was good until the final stint when I had a slow puncture almost right from the start of it, which meant my performance dropped off. I managed to get past Hulkenberg with an exciting move, but I could not close to Perez ahead of me and then my team mate Daniel came up behind me on new tyres. It was hard for me to be competitive therefore in the final stint. A bit of a weekend to forget as it could have ended so much better, if we had not made a mistake in qualifying, but at least when things were going well it seems that our car has picked up some speed that was lacking just before the break.”

VER – “Sigh. . . Summer Break: I miss you already.”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg, 13th

“I was able to improve a couple of positions at the start. It was tight but I managed quite well. I had a good first lap, but the pace was missing pretty much from the beginning. The car was difficult to drive. We were lacking a good balance throughout the whole weekend and during the race, and the tyres started to go off pretty quickly. We had to pit earlier than planned. Overall, we were simply missing speed today.”

HUL – “Can this season be totes over soon? Please?”

Esteban Gutierrez, 14th
“From where I started I had to make progress and be clever about how much I could push. It was a matter of finding the right balance between pushing and taking care of the tyres, and I found that balance pretty well. I just focused on being as quick as possible, trying to manage the tyres well and getting the most out of the car. We lost a lot of time in the first stint with the traffic I encountered as I was coming from the back of the field. The strategy we planned was not ideal, so we had to change it and that still wasn’t perfect. I totally respect the FIA ‘s decision to penalise me for overtaking Pastor, but I don’t agree with the penalty. To be able to fight and to extract the maximum today is good to know. Now we have to improve in qualifying, because I think with the pace we have we can still fight for the top ten.”

GUT – “What the fuck? Did the steward get sick on his last trip to Acapulco? Anybody who goes to Acapulco deserves to get sick. Just because you went to the armpit of Mexico and got ‘Los Amoebas’, don’t take it out on Checo and I. . . Asshole.”

Williams
Valtteri Bottas, 15th

“Today’s race was not the easiest for us. We were struggling for pace in sector two and this made it difficult to get close to the cars in front and once I had been overtaken it was very difficult to regain the place. We will have to go away and understand why our race pace was not as strong today as it has been and try to make improvements in time for Monza.”

BOT – “You forgot I was even here, didn’t you?”

Pastor Maldonado, 17th
“I had a good start and I immediately picked up a number of places, but we struggled for pace in the second stint and I was not able to push and overtake the cars in front. I then had a collision with Di Resta in the final corner when our lines crossed as I was entering the pits. It was a difficult situation because I was fighting hard with the Sauber and I didn’t see Di Resta on the outside as I turned toward the pit lane. I tried to brake to avoid the accident but it was too late. It wasn’t a good weekend for us but we need to keep working hard and improving the performance of the car.”

MAL – “Everyday I am thankful that F1 does not require an IQ test.”

Caterham
Giedo van der Garde, 16th
“My start was good. I had clear space going into turn one and held 14th place until mid-way through lap two, but then it wasn’t really possible to hold off some of the cars who’d started behind us. Realistically, we’d expected that to happen so I was focused on pulling away from Bianchi and Chilton and giving myself a big enough gap to manage the race we’d planned. I’d started on a set of mediums which we managed well. My first stop was on lap 15 when we went onto a set of new hards and I rejoined in 19th. That set was also working well until about lap 26 when the rears started to go off so we pushed for another couple of laps and then came in for the second stop on lap 29. The final stint was on another set of hard tyres and from there I was well clear of both Marussias and had a really good fight with Maldonado for 16th right to flag, pushing as hard as I could to keep that place. Overall this has been a really good weekend. It would have been interesting to see what would have happened if it had rained today, but for what was effectively my first home F1 race I think we got the maximum for the car. Saturday was an incredible feeling and I’m really pleased we could give the team, our partners and the fans such a lift in qualifying – now we have to make sure we can do the same for the rest of the season whenever the chances come our way.”

GAR – “Somehow, God was watching over me; some miraculous shit went down and I got past MAL. Does anybody have two bucks? I’m going to buy an actual lottery ticket!”

Charles Pic, DNF
“We started on a set of options and I was off the line cleanly with no problems on lap one. I passed both Chilton and Bianchi and by lap eight was catching my teammate but then I was told to box as we had an oil leak so we stopped the car to avoid any damage to the new engine we used today. Racing’s sometimes like this – we had good pace on Friday and Saturday, the car felt well balanced and we’d made some progress. While today’s race obviously didn’t go to plan I’m not down about it – we have another chance in Monza in two weeks to continue to build on the gap to our nearest rivals and I’m sure we’ll bounce back there.”

PIC – “Hey, I was out there long enough to enjoy some clag and frites, so I’m pretty happy!

Marussia
Jules Bianchi, 18th

“It was a tough race today, made more difficult by the fact that I had a radio problem from the start. Our pace was not as good as we hoped for, which was a shame. Although it was going to be hard to hang on to our grid positions if it didn’t rain, we were looking for something more after a good result yesterday. As it remained dry we were not presented with the sort of opportunities we were hoping might come our way. However, we did get a two-car finish and also we continue to hold position in the championship, so we will now look to Monza for more of an improvement we hope.”

BIA – “I’m telling you: doing lap after lap, willing the clouds to coalesce into some sort of spitting rain so that I might move up a spot or two gets a little depressing. Still: Glad to be here!”

Max Chilton, 19th
“A long race today, not just in terms of laps and lap distance, but more the fact that the dry conditions made the race quite uneventful for us. The threat of rain meant that we had thought through and prepared for so many different scenarios, so we would be in a position to capitalise on any opportunity to move up the order, but as it turned out much of the homework was not required. So we’re disappointed with the race but encouraged by signs earlier in the weekend and I hope we can make more of those in Monza in two weeks’ time.”

CHI – “GUYS! I TOTALLY MADE IT Q2!!!!! HOLY CRAP! EVEN I WAS READY FOR RAIN OR NOT-RAIN, IT WAS AWESOME TO BE HERE!”