Wherein Lotus Mind-Games Vettel and Red Bull Just for the Fun of it

Actual photo of the REAL Eric Boullier.

Thanks to F1Pulse for the laughs!

Lotus is hopeful that it can retain the services of Kimi Raikkonen beyond the current contract dispelling the possibility of the Finn switching to Red Bull next year, teasing that the partnership of the 2007 world champion with Sebastian Vettel will not work.

Mark Webber’s future in Formula 1, after the team orders fiasco in Malaysia, is uncertain with indications that Red Bull has marked Raikkonen as a potential replacement at Red Bull should the Australian driver leave the team.

“Those are the usual games,” Lotus team principal Eric Boullier told the Bild. “It’s not just Red Bull but other top teams have an interest as well.

“I also have interest in (Fernando) Alonso, (Lewis) Hamilton and Vettel,” the Frenchman quipped. “But Vettel only if he listens to my team orders!”

Talks with Raikkonen for a contract extension at Lotus have already begun and the 33-year-old “sounded very happy” with the prospects of staying with the team, particularly as he has a car that can challenge for the title.

“I’m happy when we are more of a nuisance for Vettel,” Boullier said.

The team’s financial situation is not an issue either.

“One thing is clear: Kimi is not back in Formula 1 because he needs money,” Boullier told the official F1 website suggesting that the freedom he gets at the Enstone-based outfit could stand in the Finn’s favour.

“I do not know if other teams would also treat him as well as we do…. We can afford Kimi definitely. We have more money than last year,” he told the Bild.

Boullier, however, isn’t counting his chickens.

“It is not the question of how I am going to keep him – it is a question of does he want to stay? This is really the question,” he told the F1 website.

“Mr (Red Bull owner Dietrich) Mateschitz is dreaming of getting him on board – and maybe he will get him on board – but in the end it is Kimi who will decide what he wants to do,” he explained.

“(But) why should he want to race against Vettel at Red Bull Racing?” he asked even though the two drivers are friends off the track.

Translation Services – For reals, yo! How can this be anything but Lotus straight-up fucking with Vettel’s head?! You’ve got RBR claiming they’re after Kimi. You know Kimi doesn’t care. I mean, I’m sure he’s fine at Lotus. But, really, it’s Kimi: fucking RBR, Lotus, Ferrari. . . Shit, fucking Rally Car, right? What does he care? He doesn’t! (Except McLaren. Bless their hearts. Even Kimi and the ice dragons couldn’t wrestle those Estrella de Oro buses onto the podium.) This is why we love him!

So, RBR is messing with WEB and Lotus via Kimi, Lotus is breathing down VET’s neck every. fucking. race. RBR thinks they’re gaming Lotus, since they know Kimi doesn’t care. And what does Lotus do?! They double-down and toss that shit right back at them! They get in a dig about team orders and RBRs inter-team dysfunction! I’m disappointed Eric didn’t toss in a dig about the tyres! Like VET would ever leave RBR, where his every robo-need is attended to by a team of enablers and sycophants!!

It’s SO PERFECT!!

A few things I’m of which I’m sure:

1. Kimi thinks this is all HILARIOUS.

2. VET’s positrons and servos are in “very confused-mode”. However, nothing over-rides “win at all costs-mode”.

3. Lotus, hands down, has this entire game so fucking nailed. The web-site, the Twitter, the car, the drivers, the tyre management, the hashtags, the mind-games, everything. There should be an award for over-all, balls-out, complete OWNAGE at the end of every season!

Shit, at this point, I almost feel like this whole thing is a trap, set into motion by Eric in, like, mid-2012. Maybe he watched Breaking Bad in the off-season? I did see him sitting by the pool, thinking and thinking and plotting.

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Ermigarrrddd, F1 is shuuuuuuur beerrrring!!

What a boring race. F1 is so boring right now. Ermigarrrd, I wish thay would just let these people race! Except for the strumpet. What the fuck is she doing up there, anyway?

Before we get to the post-race translations, a special memo to all y’all who have been complaining about F1 being so boring what with the tyres that degrade and the DRS and the KERS and this isn’t “Racing”. I respect your opinions, I guess, but after the race on Bahrain, with its fan-less stands and year-old dust puffing up off the track, um, with upmost respect, could YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!?? Um, please? Perez! Racing like a man possessed! How is that not “racing”?! Kimi! Going from 8th to 2nd! How is that not “racing”? Grosjean and his shiny, new chassis, going from 11th to 3rd! Massa’s sad, epic collapse! Perez and Button having a domestic all over the track! Holy shit! I though I was watching an Early-Nineties episode of “Cops”! 

IT WASN’T BORING! IT WAS “RACING”!

Der!

Actual Sincerity

As over-blown as this WEB, VET, RBR Hullabaloo may or may not be, it has certainly highlighted a couple of things for me: 

1. F1 is a pretty spectacular fusion of zero-sum and non-zero sum theory. On one hand, you’ve got A Team. A Team that has to work together for the benefit of The Team so that The Team can win. Then, at the center The Team, there are two people and their only goal is to fucking defeat all the other drivers everywhere, all the time, and your mother. How the tension of that fusion is harnessed is pretty amazing. You could say, use it to power A Team to victory/use banana peels to power your Delorean into the future or, OR, you could use it to fucking obliterate everything/all other drivers and you’re left a winner. . . in a desolate, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Fun stuff! 

2. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Sport, in general, is kind of a stand-in for battle, no? As much as it sucks, sometimes, to win (which, um, is the point. No, wait! It’s how you play the game! Augh, no! It’s winning! Augh!) you have to be a dick. I know, I know: We’d love all battle to be noble; we’d love all our heroes and anti-heroes to adhere to some sort of moral code on and off the battlefield. It’s all pretty fucking easy for us to say when 25 Driver Points are just. Within. Our. Grasp. The world/F1/Marriage (what?!) is a cruel place.

So, there: Actual Sincerity ™. We all bitch about Team Orders and Bernie the Puppetmaster and this and that but, really, we watch and love this sport for the very things that make us crazy! 

And that is how, on this day, I drew a straight logical line between F1 and my wife. Love you, honey! Love you, too, honey!

P.S. (Gentlemen! Feel free to use the above logical progression next time you get into it with your wife. Let me know how it goes!)