Thanks, Bernie, for the link. You are has generous with links as you are accommodating to oppressive regimes with loads of oil money.

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel (1st)
“It was good fun at the beginning with some very tight wheel to wheel racing. At the start you don’t know if you will be quick or not, as everyone is a bit all over the place, including yourself! It’s important to get to the front; we saw at the last race that if you get stuck behind someone then it does have an impact on tyre wear and today it was important to make use of the tyres we had saved from qualifying yesterday. I love to be in clean air, so I was pushing hard to get into the lead and, with the speed we had mid-race, it was quite comfortable today. Well done to the whole team, to everyone here, to the factory in the background and especially to those who were working on the strategy today; it worked just as we expected, so we obviously got the numbers right.”

VET – “All y’all who think I’m a dick can, in fact, suck my dick. Numbers, speed, laps: these are things that have meaning to me. Emotions, feelings, camaraderie, others (other than those who help me attain numbers, laps, and speed): these things are superfluous. I have enjoyed my human counterparts’ attempts to challenge my domination! I look forward to seeing them in this planet’s country called ‘Spain’.”

Mark Webber (7th)
“The beginning wasn’t too bad, but we lost quite a bit of time in the second stint trying to clear people. We went aggressive on the first few out laps, which meant we jumped people, but the tyres didn’t like it. That meant the second stint was a disaster really in terms of pace at the end and that loaded the other two stints up. In the middle of the race I thought I could get on the podium, but then it was about pace management and it’s a fine line between racing and saving tyres. Others pitted a bit before me at the end, but it wasn’t enough for me to get home. If you race people hard then you run out of tyres, but if you don’t then they come through. In the end it was a pretty good battle with Lewis for both of us; neither of us had any tyres left, but we were trying to race as best we could.”

WEB – “Heh. Well, let’s see. . . .crappiest events so far this year? Getting shat on by my team-mate? Hmm. .. No, that wasn’t it. Grid penalty after a giant poop of a race in China? Well. . .. no, that wasn’t so bad, really. Getting FUCKING PASSED by FUCKING PEREZ and his FUCKING FLECHA DE ROJO BUS IN THE LAST FIVE LAPS??!!!! This guy, from Porsche, he left me a phone number on his card. I’ve got that around here somewhere. What the fuck did I do with that card?!”

Christian Horner, Red Bull team principal
“An absolutely impeccable drive from Sebastian today. He executed two brilliant overtakes, one on Fernando and the other on Nico Rosberg. After that he dominated the race until the finish and managed his tyres brilliantly. The strategy worked perfectly with the tyres that we conserved in qualifying, which ended with a dominant win on a three-stop strategy. For Mark, after racing very well in the first stint and making progress through the first round of pit stops, in the second stint he pushed very hard on the first few laps which effectively elevated him into second position. Unfortunately he couldn’t achieve the longevity in that stint, which put him under pressure for the final two. His last stop put him in the range of those on two-stops, and then it was a matter of making it to the end. Despite fighting fantastically well and racing very hard with Lewis, he ran out of rear tyres before the end of the race, but still got some valuable points.”

Horner – “VET is so pretty when wins. Mark, you’re cute but so very slow. Love, Christian.”

Lotus
Kimi Raikkonen (2nd)
“You’re never really happy if you don’t win, but I suppose second place is as close as you can get. I drove to the maximum and the car had the pace that we missed in qualifying yesterday so it was a pretty good result. We didn’t have the speed to challenge Sebastian [Vettel] today but we did have the pace to get both cars on the podium so I’m happy for the team.”

RAI – Bitches. You feel my cold breath, don’t you? It’s pointless to pretend like I’m not here. One wrong fucking move, VET. One. Wrong. Move. And I will wrap the automaton called, “Vettel” in a crystalline cloak of defeat and misery. People call me “emotionless”, I have a fucking fire burning within me. I am the ember that crackles and shimmers through the night. Waiting, waiting, waiting to ignite the conflagration. Also, for fuck’s sake, just how long is the German National Anthem??!! We get it: you’re the Nation of Destiny. I love the Finnish Anthem: ‘Laa Laa LAaaaa! Finland! We’re a country. It’s cold here. Life is hard. We try to have fun. There are ice dragons. Finland!'”. 

Romain Grosjean (3rd)
“It’s great to be back on the podium and it’s a fantastic result for the team. It hasn’t been an easy start to the season for me, but we made good progress through the weekend and are now back to where we should be. I felt much more comfortable in the car and the result today is a deserved reward for everyone after all our hard work. It was a really enjoyable race with a lot of overtaking and a couple of tense moments along the way, so to come from P11 through to the podium is really satisfying. We’ve had consistency already, finishing every race in the points, but now it’s the big results we’re chasing and this is a very good start to that challenge.”

GRO – “I’ve already asked HAM to write a song for me. The lyrics go: ‘I was right! I was right! I needed a new car! A new chassis! All you assholes love Kimi more! Why? I’m lovable, too! I’m French! I got my new toy! It goes really fast! It totally wasn’t psychological! No! No! No! It wasn’t all in my head! Have I mentioned I was right?’ Dope beats, y’all!”

Ferrari
Fernando Alonso (8th)
“We definitely didn’t have much luck today and that’s a real shame, at the end of what had been such a positive weekend for me and Felipe up until this afternoon. We had been competitive in free practice and qualifying and we were both expecting to have a good race. After the opening laps, when I thought the rear tyres had gone off, the pit wall informed that the DRS was stuck. It wasn’t fixed properly at the first stop and so I had to come in for another one. From then on, the clear instruction from the pit wall not to use it affected my race. I tried to recover but it was really difficult finding places to overtake without DRS. When you are far back, in the middle of a group, tyre degradation is even harder to manage. I am sure that without the problems me and Felipe had, we would have finished higher up, because the car responds very well and it is definitely our best of the last four years. But having a good race involves a lot of factors, including a bit of luck. Let’s hope it balances out very soon, maybe even starting in Barcelona, my home race. There, it will be even more important to have a good qualifying, because it’s not easy to overtake on that track and so starting from the front is vital.”

ALO – “If shit doesn’t turn around for me by Barcelona, I am FUCKED. Turns out, having a 18+ hottie on the paddock is not the good luck charm I thought it was. Bummer for MAS, ’cause I had just given him a list to all these awesome web sites. Also, I have to TOTALLY stop hanging out with WEB.”

Felipe Massa (15th)
“I was really unlucky in this race and even if it’s true that many things can happen in this sport, I can’t find an explanation for why so many of them have to be negative. At the start, I lost ground after the collision with Sutil and then I lost even more time coming back to the pits to change tyres and that wiped out any chance of having a good race. At the start, I suffered a bit with understeer, but I don’t believe that was the cause of my problems, while we still need to check what happened to my tyres that failed in this way. In the first instance it was probably delamination on the right rear and in the second it might have been due to a puncture. Now we must try and understand exactly what happened and immediately turn our attention to the next race.”

MAS – “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ok, Whoever has the ‘Hulkenberg’ voo-doo doll and whoever painted it to look like me, you can stop now! Ha! Ha! Ha! Very FUCKING FUNNY!  Really, ok. Stop, ok?”

Force India
Paul di Resta (4th)
“It’s great to round off the fly-away races with a fourth place and a race that was probably my strongest Grand Prix. The podium was very close, but with our strategy we were always going to be vulnerable at the end of the race – especially to Grosjean who had two new sets of medium tyres. I had a good start to the race, a strong opening stint and we showed our true speed today, but ultimately fourth place was the maximum that was possible. We will get on the podium one day, hopefully soon, but for now we can be very happy with the points we’ve scored today. A big thanks to the whole team because it’s been an excellent weekend and I feel we managed to get 100 percent out of the car.”

RES – “I caught ‘Hulkenberg Fever'”!

Adrian Sutil (13th)
“It’s disappointing to get a puncture in a race that looked so promising. My start was clean and I was racing Massa going into turn four. I was on the outside; I gave him a lot of space but he was off-line and made contact with my front right tyre. I don’t know what he did exactly but I had a puncture immediately. I had to pit and lost a lot of time, which ended my chance of scoring points. I had amazing pace in the race and I just kept my head down to try and recover something from the race, but I had lost too much with the puncture. But I’m happy for the team and fourth place for Paul gives us more points. There are many more races to come so we will keep focused and next time score points with both cars.”

SUT – “Oh, man. I am beginning to accept that I suck and that I race for Force India.”

Mercedes
Lewis Hamilton (5th)
“I’m really happy with our result today. It’s been a tough weekend for us but we got through it and finishing in fifth place was some good damage limitation. My race didn’t start well at all. I was looking after the tyres but I really struggled on the first two stints and was falling back. But as the temperatures dropped, the car picked up and then I had the grip that I needed to push and close the gap. I had so much fun fighting with Mark at the end. We really needed that point and I was so determined to get by. It was good, clean wheel-to-wheel racing. I’m very proud of what we have achieved over the first four races and to be third in the drivers’ championship is beyond any of our expectations. But we’ve got to keep pushing and find more performance. We’re hanging on by the skin of our teeth at the moment and, if we can make that next step, then we can close the gap.”

HAM – “While I am glad that I jumped like a proverbial rat from the sinking ship that is McLaren, I obviously jumped from one dinghy to, like, this 40 year-old Alcoa paddleboat. I was kinda aiming for that yacht over there. Yeah, the one with all the girls in bikinis and the big red, um, bull, um, painted on the side. . . .. . I’ll be over here, crying. Bless”

Nico Rosberg (9th)
“A tough day for me. As nice as it was to start from pole this afternoon, it was just as hard to finish in ninth place. I didn’t feel comfortable in the car today and it wasn’t much fun out there really. We switched to a four-stop strategy at the end of my third stint but it wasn’t enough. We were using the rear tyres too much and at the end, I was really struggling and wasn’t able to push hard enough. There is a lot of work ahead and we need to focus on why our race performance isn’t matching the pace that we can show in qualifying. Hopefully we can make some steps here before the European season starts.”

ROS – “Well, that was fun while it lasted! Then it sucked.”

McLaren
Sergio Perez (6th)
“That was an incredible race – really enjoyable. I have to thank the Vodafone McLaren Mercedes team first of all – we’ve been through some difficult times recently, but they kept on supporting me. All in all, it’s been a solid weekend – we got pretty much the maximum from the car, ran a great strategy, looked after the tyres, and scored some very useful points. I guess I was a little aggressive on track today; banging wheels with Jenson was perhaps a little too risky, a little too hard, but the team never came on the radio to tell us to stop racing. There were no team orders. There was a lot of adrenaline from both of us, and Jenson is always a very strong racer, but hopefully we’ll help each other a little more in the future. He was calm and friendly after the race, though, which was great; but that isn’t surprising because he’s a great guy as well as a great driver.”

PER – “What? All you fucking ‘gueros’ have never heard of the term ‘Machismo’? Are fucking idiots? You sit around all week, saying, ‘Sergio has no dick! Sergio has no dick!’ And you think I’m not going to whip this monster out and fucking waggle it every face that has eyes within twenty miles?! Fuck you and fuck you and , you? Yes: fuck you. Confidential to Button: You are cute. You have bad teeth, you must. You are slower than The Monster. Stay the fuck out of my way.”

Jenson Button (10th)
“Today wasn’t brilliant for me. Okay, the race was a lot of fun, but I didn’t get the result I wanted because I used up my tyres fending off Checo. There was a lot of action out there, and as I say I wasn’t really able to conserve my tyres as a result. That was partly because I had to work my way back through after my second pitstop, when I’d been fighting with Romain (Grosjean). But there was a lot of clean racing out there too – although as I say Checo was a bit tough, which was a little unusual. He did a good job overall though: he had good pace, and he looked after his tyres well. So, congratulations to him, because together we scored some very useful points for the Vodafone McLaren Mercedes team today.”

BUT – “Have you fuckers seen PER’s cock?! HOLY SHIT!”

Martin Whitmarsh, McLaren team principal
“The 2013 Gulf Air Bahrain Grand Prix was a fantastic motor race, and I’m sure it was hugely entertaining for the tens of millions of viewers who watched it at home as well as for those lucky enough to be here at Sakhir to see it for real. Checo drove his best race for Vodafone McLaren Mercedes so far, passing both Fernando and Mark in the closing stages, to finish a fighting sixth at the flag. It was a very good drive, especially when you consider that he was able to maintain such strong race pace despite having sustained damage to his rear wing and one of his front-wing endplates. Jenson would have finished right up there, too, had he not had to make an extra tyre stop with just 10 laps to go. Nonetheless, he, too, finished in a solid points-scoring position. The two of them spent much of the afternoon in close proximity to each other – sometimes in nail-bitingly close proximity actually – but that’s motor racing. Both Jenson and Checo are fast, forceful and hungry for success – and that’s exactly how it should be. It’s called racing, and we at Vodafone McLaren Mercedes always allow our drivers to race. It’s what this sport is all about. Having said that, it’s probably fair to say that Checo was a little too combative with Jenson this afternoon, and I think he knows that. From here we travel back to Woking, where we’ll work hard on our upgrade package for Spain, where in three weeks’ time we hope to continue the process of demonstrating the fruits of our steady development of MP4-28 into the competitive machine we need it to be.”

Whitmarsh – “I knew we’d get some results if we kept showing Checo pictures of him in a Speedo with a big arrow and a question mark pointed at his genitals. I only hope that Button will keep having Jessica come ’round the paddock now that she knows the frightening, thrilling truth about Sergio.”

Williams
Pastor Maldonado (11th)
“Considering the problems we have been having, I think we got 100 percent out of the car today. We put everything together today, working well as a team and managing the tyres, and 11th was the maximum we could have achieved. We are really looking forward to the next race where we should see a step forward. We must stay together and positive. It’s a difficult time, but we still have many races to go.”

MAL – “Was I even in Bahrain? I have a bunch of sand in my ass-crack. It must’ve been more than a bad dream.”

Valtteri Bottas (14th)
“The race was really dominated by the rear tyres today. In the first two stints I was fighting with a lot of cars so it was difficult to look after the tyres and manage the pace. The last two stints were better as I had more clean air and managed to make up some ground on the cars ahead. We now need to keep on working to get some updates to help us in coming races.”

BOT – “By ‘updates’, I mean, ‘hacking into the VettelFeed from Planet Speed Robot and actually making podium.'”

Sauber
Nico Hulkenberg (12th)
“It was a difficult and frustrating weekend. It was clear from the beginning that we were not fast enough and that it would be challenging. We are lacking speed and eat up the rear tyres too much so it simply wasn’t enough this weekend. We pitted a bit too late, because we expected to have more problems on low fuel, which in the end we didn’t have. That cost us at least one position. This weekend clearly showed we need to bring some new parts to Barcelona in order to improve our speed and fight for points.”

HUL – “I cannot wait to get to a country where we can drink.”

Esteban Gutierrez (18th)
“I expected a difficult race and this is what I got. We need to find more speed. On the first lap I had contact down into Turn 10, which was really hard to avoid. Apart from that, things were quite okay, but, of course, finishing a race like this is definitely not enough and we need to improve. We have to analyse the strategy and hopefully we will bring some good updates to Barcelona.”

GUT – “Glad I finished!”

Toro Rosso
Daniel Ricciardo (16th)
“I got a reasonable start, better than some of the guys around me and I got ahead of Grosjean. Then at some point, I locked up the wheels and lost a position or two. All afternoon, we just struggled with speed: in the first stint, tyre warm-up was a problem and I was losing a lot of time on braking. We never really recovered, even though we tried to make a few changes to the balance of the car at the pit stops. We must look into what exactly was wrong with the car as we were really limited in terms of downforce.”

RIC – “Ugh.”

Jean-Eric Vergne (DNF)
“I was pushed by Bottas as I passed him on the outside of Turn Four, giving him plenty of room and he clipped my car. Unfortunately for Van de Garde, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and it was a big impact, which caused a lot of damage to the car, including a puncture and left it with a big piece of the floor missing. After I pitted, I tried to carry on to see how the car felt, but in the end, I was a lap down, I’d lost plenty of aero and the team could see that the damage was causing the car to overheat to an unsafe level, so they called me in to retire. This opening sequence of races has not gone too well for me and I really hope that the beginning of the European part of the season will be like a new start for me.”

VER – “What RIC said.”

Caterham
Charles Pic (17th)
“That’s our best race of the year so far and one the whole team should be pleased with. I quickly passed both the Marussia cars after starting on the medium tyres which held up for the first stint pretty well, allowing me to pit for the first time on lap 11. By that point the car felt good, well balanced and I was pulling away from the cars behind without any issues. We stayed on the hard tyres for the second stint and again the deg levels were good. I passed Gutierrez and was running comfortably in 16th until Sutil got past about two thirds of the way through the race. As the fuel levels dropped the deg levels increased a little but it wasn’t an issue. I was keeping pace with Ricciardo just ahead, and keeping Gutierrez behind me and we decided to stay out after the third stop so I did a very long stint on the hard tyres, 21 laps, and brought it home in 17th. I’m really pleased with how close we finished to the Toro Rosso ahead, and the fact we kept a Sauber behind – maybe if I’d been slightly further up the road after the start we could have beaten Ricciardo, but we can take this performance as a good step and look forward to what’s coming next in Spain.”

PIC – “You know, you travel all over the world and you eat a lot of clag and there’s just some clag that doesn’t suit your palette. Some people like sandy, gritty clag infused with the blood of the oppressed. For me, it just doesn’t do it. Give me some clag with chips or clag with a nice red wine reduction. These guys here, with there hummus and no drinks with dinner. .. You just have to smile and compliment the clag-chef and choke it down.”

Giedo van der Garde (21st)
“I didn’t have a great start but I was up to about 16th with a couple of other cars going into turn four and saw that Vergne had spun and was moving off the line. I tried to miss him but couldn’t and we made contact which destroyed my front wing and basically ended my race on the first lap. I couldn’t really do anything from that point so I just got my head down and pushed but after losing so much time with the unplanned stop on lap one, and having a delaminated right front after my fourth stop, there really wasn’t anyone to race with. From that point I just made sure I brought the car home and used this as another step in my learning curve. Despite today it’s been a good weekend for the team. The developments we put on my teammate’s car have worked well and there’s another step to come in Spain when I’ll have the same package as Charles. From that point I think my season will look different. We’ll be on tracks I know really well, from GP2, World Series and from F1, and with the updates we have coming we have reasons to be positive. The first four races have been exactly what I thought they would – pretty tough, but I’m learning all the time and the whole team’s right behind me. I’m feeling really good physically and mentally and I can’t wait to get started again in Barcelona.”

GAR – “Asia sucks. Getting hit, too, sucks. If any of you fuckers need me for the next three weeks, I’ll be in Amsterdam, eating fucking Gouda, riding my bike and sniffing the fucking tulips!”

Marussia
Jules Bianchi (19th)
“A really difficult race for us today and a tough weekend all round to be honest. I was hoping that things might improve for the race, but we really struggled with the tyres. On my fourth stint the plan was to go to the end but we had to pit again. From there it was just about making it to the finish and holding position with the cars around me. There isn’t much more to say about here; it was not destined to be our race and we are at the stage where we need to implement the next round of upgrades, which of course are coming right when we need them for Barcelona. My thanks to the pit crew today for a busy day of pit stops and for keeping their spirits through the weekend.”

BIA – “I’m becoming less enchanted with being here.”

Max Chilton (20th)
“Despite a difficult weekend for us here, there were some encouraging signs in the race today. I got a really good start, which I was very pleased with, and this meant that we were able to leapfrog both of the Caterhams for a while. Unfortunately we struggled on the tyres and it wasn’t long into each stint before we hit that window again. I’m pleased that I have demonstrated that I drove to the pace of the car today and although we weren’t in a position to race who we want to be, I did at least have a good battle with my team mate.”

CHI – “HOLY CRAP!! HAVE YOU GUYS EVER SEEN MORE SAND??!! IT’S EVERYWHERE! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! MAN, THEY SURE SO HAVE US RACE IN SOME CRAZY PLACES! GLAD TO BE HERE!”

Pirelli
Paul Hembery, Pirelli motorsport director
“It was fantastic to see such brilliantly close racing all the way down the field, from the start to the finish of the Grand Prix. To some extent this was down to the fact that there was only a small performance gap between the two compounds, meaning that we saw lots of different thinking on strategy. On this occasion, there was no clear advantage in starting on particular compound when it came to overall race time. The high temperatures – the highest we have seen all year so far – made managing thermal degradation a particular challenge, which rewarded the drivers with the best strategy and smoothest driving style. There was a clearly an issue with the tyre on Felipe Massa’s Ferrari, which we are investigating at the moment. We’ve seen one sidewall cut and one at the top of the tread, and we’re currently trying to find out what caused those cuts.”

Hembery – “It isn’t that Lotus has an advantage, it’s that, less Kimi and Seb, you all drive like fucking idiots.”

Renault Sport
Remi Taffin, Renault Sport F1 head of track operations
“A great result for all at Renault Sport F1, with a clean sweep of the podium for the second consecutive year in Bahrain. It’s also the first time in a year that an engine manufacturer has done this so we can be really proud of the result. Coming at a tough track like Bahrain, where the heat, lack of humidity and general ambient conditions put lots of pressure on the engine internals, it’s an even more satisfying result. While Sebastian’s win and the two Lotuses on the podium is the highlight of the day for us, there are a number of other positive areas. The performance of the two Williams was stronger and Pastor was not too far away from scoring the first points of the season. Equally the Caterhams have made a big step forward here and now seem to be back in front of the Marussias. Having this depth of performance across all our partners is obviously what we want to do – and having two fighting for the championship is really an ideal way to be in the championship. We’ve got a number of areas to focus on now in the break before the start of the European season, not least with the teams bringing new upgrade packages, so we’ll celebrate this one and then get back to the hard work to try and repeat it in Spain!”

Taffin – Can everybody stop with the “Renault Alliance” jokes now, please!??