“Trying to think of something nice to say. Mustn’t let emotions explode. What does the script say? ‘We’re really looking forward to Spain.’ Better check the date on this script. . . Augh! This thing is three weeks old! Fuck it: I’m just going to my Flecha de Rojo bus and hitting the “Michelada” button until I’m so borracho.”

Thanks, Rupert, for the linky!

The team have endured a testing start to 2013 after opting for a complete overhaul of their design concept, rather than an evolution of their previous car like most squads.

The consensus in the paddock is that McLaren’s season hangs on the success of this upgrade package. However, Perez has downplayed expectations, stressing that the team’s focus is on making small step forwards.

“I think it is important for us to keep improving,” the Mexican said in the Drivers’ Press Conference at the Circuit de Catalunya.

“I think we have improved quite a lot since the first race, so I think we are going in the right direction. We do not expect a big gain here, I think when you are so far away from the people at the front, you have to bridge the gap and to start closing the gap is a priority for us. I think this race will be really important for us to learn a lot more about the car as well.”

Perez’s views echo those of McLaren Managing Director Jonathan Neale, who urged caution when he spoke to the media on Wednesday.

“I think we’ll be cautious at this stage and say that a measure of our progress will be revealed on Saturday afternoon and Sunday.

“Some things will work, some things won’t. We’ve got a lot more work to do on Fridays as well, so I don’t see us being able to just run the car without a huge degree of upgrades.

“It’s a significant volume of parts that go into this. But bear in mind that we are essentially trying to sort out a correlation issue. I’d rather not give away exactly which bits are going to be changing until we’ve decided on Friday night which parts are staying on the car for Saturday.”

PER – “See! This is what I’m talking about! Three weeks ago – I’m too annoyed to look it up – I bet the internet has me going, ‘Oh, wait ’til Spain!’ ‘We really showed some progress in Bahrain! Aduante te, Espania!’ ‘Hey-ho, you thought all that shit with Button and I was awesome?! Well, wait ’til I open that can of whup ass on the other teams!’ I was saying all that shit! Why was I saying it? Because THAT’S WHAT THE SCRIPT SAID TO SAY!!!!

Now, 19 days later, I get these new pages in a nice, manila envelope, and on the envelope, there’s a little note clipped on there with a paper clip and the note says: ‘Uh, Checo, bad news: we’ve had three weeks, but the car still sucks. Engage Operation ‘Lower Expectations Even Further’!’

I don’t want to give away which bits we’re changing, though. Suffice it to say it will include: the exhaust, the steering wheel, the cockpit, the wing geometry, the chassis, the color, the axles, the brakes, the struts, the oil, four of the pistons, the transmission, the DRS, the KERS, the smell, the rotation of the Earth, the fabric of time and space, the Bush/Gore election results, and the anti-freeze. 

We have this saying in Mexcio and the saying goes something like: ‘What? The look on my face? No, I didn’t just smell fart. I was was just thinking about MY FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CAR!!'”